Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males are illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests at raspucin70@yahoo.com. Copyright © Zare Scott 2009
Ch 18: The art of kissing
Fingers. Someone's fingers caressing my face, and then moving over my hair. I smiled, even before opening my eyes. I knew that touch. The ever-so-light touch, the touch that would always leave traces of heat on my skin and cause my heart to melt.
"Matt," I called out to him quietly, barely making out the outline of his body in the darkness of the room. By the way air moved against my skin, I more sensed than saw, that he knelt next to the couch. His hand moved some more, continuing to stroke my face with a light touch.
"I couldn't sleep...not without you," he whispered. I reached out to him, touching his cheek. He shivered a bit, speeding up my slow brain.
"Would you like to..." I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Matt nodded against my hand, and then shifted himself towards the couch. I lifted the blankets and he slid in next to me, reaching his arms around me as I embraced him. I felt his hair brushing against my forehead as he moved closer to me in the darkness, and his breath on my face as his lips found mine. We started kissing very gently, very tenderly. His lips were so soft, as I pressed mine against them, longingly exploring his mouth. He was returning my advances, as we slowly, very slowly continued to make out in the dark. His hand nested pleasantly on my back, and I kept mine on the back of his neck, caressing his hair. There was no rush in our moves; we were kissing, so lovingly and slowly, as though we had all the time in the world. Both of us fell into a wonderful harmony of touching, kissing and being with each other, enjoying each other's closeness. I loved the way his body felt next to mine, and I loved the way his hands moved on my back as he kept himself close to me. And above all, I loved the way his lips were pressed against mine, the indescribable, soft firmness of his lips that tasted so incredibly sweet that it was making me dizzy. His tongue was gently probing my mouth, asking for more and more. I didn't want him to stop his explorations, as I tasted his incredible lips. He was returning my advances, each time pushing for some more. His breath felt hot on my face, as he was kissing me. Despite being unable to see his eyes in the dark, the feeling of his hands on my back and his body next to me was enough. As I was kissing him, I felt a familiar rush in my lower abdomen.
I wanted him.
I wanted him with every fiber of my body, more than I had wanted anybody else that I had been with so far. I was intensely aware of every point of my body that was touching him, as if every one of those places were on fire. Our chests were pressed firmly against each other, as he was embracing me. My own breathing became heavy as I was exploring his mouth. His tongue, tangled with mine, was sending waves of sensation through my body, that felt as if it was electrical current flowing through me, from my mouth all the way to my lower abdomen. The sensation of heaviness started to build in my loins, as my body was reacting to Matt's. I shifted very slightly, not wanting him to notice how quickly I was becoming excited. He moved his hands under my shirt, provoking a gasp from me. The touch... the touch of his hands against my bare skin made me tingle. He slid his hands on the same spot on my back where they had rested before, only now he was touching my skin with wide-stretched fingers, amplifying the feeling of connection, and making me even more lightheaded. He was making small circles on my back with his hands, driving me insane with the pleasant, warm sensation that the palms of his hands were leaving behind. Reluctantly, I pulled my mouth off from his and I looked at him. He opened his eyes as well, looking at me intently.
His eyes were so wide and very dark with passion. I hadn't ever seen his eyes so dark and deep. He was devouring me with them, those oceans of blue that I loved so much. We were looking at each other, being very still for a moment, just holding each other without saying a word, breathing in each other's mouth. I was motionless, mesmerized by the unbelievable clarity of his eyes as he was returning my gaze.
Wait a minute. I could see Matt's eyes.
The sun was filling the room with bright light, telling me that it was morning already. We had been making out...for that long?
"Matt..." I whispered.
"Mhmm..." he murmured in response, closing his eyes sleepily and snuggling next to me.
"Matt...it's morning," I pressed on, feeling a rush of panic. He looked at me, his eyes opening wide all of the sudden:
"Oh, crap!" he yelled, and jumped from the couch. I had to laugh as I saw him speeding off in a hurry. Seconds later, he returned and leaned over the armrest to plant a kiss on my lips, a weird little upside-down kiss that elicited my laughter.
"Stay right there. Let me go upstairs to `wake up'. I'll be back in a flash," he smiled and ran off. I shook my head, still chuckling as I watched him leave in a hurry.
(Matt's point of view)
Wow. That was close. Breathing heavily, I closed the bedroom door behind me as quietly as I could. With my back braced against the door, I slid onto the floor, trembling. I could barely suppress a nervous, almost hysterical chuckle. Hayden and I, sneaking kisses and making out in the middle of the night, as if we were a couple of kids. I touched my lips with shaky fingers. I wasn't trembling from the fear of being caught by my parents, or from being cold. I was trembling, like so many times in the past couple of days, from the sheer rush that I was feeling coursing through me. My lips...my lips were on Hayden's...almost the entire night. I could feel that they were swollen, and almost numb from being affixed to his for so long. And I could still feel them, I could still feel Nicki's lips on mine, a weird phantom sensation that had nothing to do with reality; and yet it was hard to believe that I was in my room, alone, and not downstairs with him. It was hard to believe in a lot of things that happened in the past day. I grabbed my head with both hands, closing my eyes. My hands could still feel every ridge of his muscled back, as they were still gliding over the hot skin of his body.
Oh, his unbelievable body. I extended my arms in front of my eyes, as if I needed to reassure myself that those hands, my hands, were the ones that had touched him. I smiled again, seeing how my palms were still trembling. I closed my eyes, still feeling the warmth of his body on mine, his strong hands on my skin, his breath, burning hot on my cheeks. A smile broke across my face as I recalled how I couldn't restrain myself anymore, and I had let my hands stray under his shirt. I had to feel him, I had to touch him. The first touch of his skin on my fingers almost provoked dizziness. And I could swear that he gasped, very quietly, into my mouth as my hands were gliding over his back, feeling his smooth skin taut over firm muscles. His skin was so warm, almost hot under my fingers. Hayden was returning my touches with an unbelievable, feather-light caress of his hands on my face, gently holding me and guiding me, revealing to me this art of kissing, the art that I had never experienced before in my life, and now it was taking my breath away, making me magnificently lightheaded. His tongue very gently probed my mouth, almost as if he were asking for permission to touch inside my mouth, to touch my tongue.
Only now, when I was physically separated from Hayden, only now I could process all the stuff that was happening to me. And I was helpless to even think about stopping it, to think about it, to give a chance for my brain to catch up with all the feelings that were overwhelming me. The breathtaking wave of sensations that was flooding my mind occupied my brain like a fog. And then...he spoke to me, calling my name in that quiet, husky voice. I had to come back from my dream-like state, to meet his steady gaze.
Scorching. His eyes were burning through me, making me shake from emotions that I couldn't control. He held his hand above my head as he was telling me something, but I was so focused on those deep, dark eyes, so full of passion that I couldn't tear my gaze away from them to pay attention to his words. Only when he reached with his hand and pushed a stray bang of hair away from my eyes, did I actually hear what he was saying to me. Even then, it took me a second or two to pull myself together and comprehend what he was telling me.
It was already morning.
We had been kissing for hours, just kissing, laying there on the living room couch, and I had no idea how we had let the time slip by so fast and unnoticeable. I bolted from the couch, leaving Hayden to chuckle at my hasty departure, as if I had done something wrong and now I was speeding off from the crime scene. What he didn't know was that, in that instant when I jumped up from the couch, I realized that I was hard, and that I had probably been like that for a very long time under the covers. With my cheeks burning with embarrassment, I gave him one little last kiss and sped upstairs.
Safely in my room, I looked down at my tented sleep pants and smiled. Somehow, this time it did not feel wrong. Not anymore. Quite the contrary, it felt...very right. As if that were just one more proof, one more piece of evidence, of what I was feeling about that boy downstairs.
Not a boy. A male. A...man.
I smiled and undressed to get into the shower. I was already stepping into the shower when I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror. Shocked, I backed out of the shower and moved closer to the mirror, to confirm what I was seeing. My lips were red and swollen, attesting vividly to what had gone on throughout the night. Despite the looming trouble, I grinned at my reflection in the mirror.
"Yes, that is exactly what was going on," I said to myself triumphantly and stepped back into the shower.
(Hayden's point of view)
The sun was shining brightly, reflecting off the snow outside when Matt came down. Or, I should say, when he came back. I was already putting the bedding away when I noticed him leaning against the frame of the living room door. He was smiling, and the sun was sparkling in his blue eyes, making me stop half-way in my motion. Even across the room, his smile looked exceptionally radiant.
"Morning," he said, walking across the room and embracing me again. It felt as though he hadn't even left my side. I hugged him in return, tracing my hands around his back.
"M'ing," I barely mumbled back, my voice still raspy. I was never a morning talker, and this morning definitively started early. He nudged his head closer to me, somewhat hesitantly, almost as though he were silently asking me something. Feeling somewhat bad about my grumpy morning manners, I kissed him, feeling that him smiling under my lips.
"What?" I asked.
"Stubble," he smiled, grazing my chin with his fingers.
"Sorry, I'll shave." I backed my face off from him, as if my beard were something that could hurt him, but he still rubbed his fingers over my jaw line.
"No, I like it...maybe you should leave it," he smiled at me.
We moved into the kitchen, where he started to fiddle with the coffee maker. I watched him, as he got the coffee from the cupboard, and started the pot. I followed his moves with my gaze, not missing the fact that he looked much more relaxed than usual. I loved the motions of his body as he was arranging the stuff in the kitchen. I loved the way his hands would move, while he was carefully putting coffee grounds in the coffee pot. He had beautiful hands, as if they were carved from marble by a Renaissance master, strong and yet refined, as they moved graciously over the counter. And I loved the way he would slightly tilt his head, his eyes focused on his tasks, with bangs of his hair falling freely over those incredible eyes. This is something that I could never get tired of seeing in the morning, or ever at all. He sat next to me, and I couldn't shake the feeling that the timid, shy Matt was no longer with me. He was now the Matt that I loved: full of radiance and energy, which was flowing from him like a glistening shimmer of light. But the most welcoming change, to me, was in his eyes. Those eyes, those stormy blue eyes were not casting dark clouds anymore. Those heavy clouds that would darken his eyes and bring an agonizing concern in me were gone.
"Nicki?"
I snapped from my daze. Indeed, I was staring at Matt like an idiot, with an absent-minded smile of contemplation plastered on my face.
"Um, sorry. I was..." I sighed, seeing that he was looking at me puzzled, obviously intrigued.
"...I got lost in your eyes again," I admitted, quietly.
To my surprise, Matt appeared stunned by the simplicity of my sentence. He opened his mouth to say something, and then he buried his eyesight somewhere toward his hands, with his cheeks visibly blushing. I smiled silently and reached out to touch his face. His cheek felt warm under my palm as I gently caressed his face. He covered my hand with his own and slowly lifted his eyes to meet mine.
"Now you know how it is...for me," he whispered when he looked up to me. Time stood still when he locked his gaze on me. The force of the feelings that emanated from his eyes pierced me once again, from my head straight down through my chest to my heart. But it was a lovely sting, the one I yearned for. It felt as if my heart was caught by an invisible string that connected us through our eyes, locked as we were just sitting next to each other, not saying another word.
Several minutes later, Matt's mom and dad walked into the kitchen, interrupting the silent moment that Matt and I were sharing, just looking at each other intently. We both pulled back, looking guilty for whatever reason.
"Morning boys," said James, and we returned the greetings. Even if they had noticed that something was going on, they didn't mention anything, leaving the embarrassment to be shared only by Matt and me. Me, especially.
Matt's mom looked into the coffee pot and frowned at Matt: "You should know better than not to make a tea for your father," she said, adding more coffee. I stifled a smile, not wanting to laugh out loud. Matt made a face, mockingly frowning at me.
"Yeah, my dad is bad as you are. Both of you drink that sludge that is unbearable for us humans."
I smiled at his remark, as Donna placed several cups on the table for us. "So, what are you going to do today?" James asked both of us. I looked at Matt, and he seemed as if he was surprised by that simple question as much as I was. Really, I had no idea. Matt shrugged his shoulders, visibly expressing what both of us were thinking:
"I don't know. Nothing special, I guess," he replied, looking back at his father.
"Well, if that's the case, I think Hayden might enjoy if we pay a visit to Emmet," said Matt's dad, looking at us. I shrugged my shoulders, agreeing with his suggestion, but not missing the fact that Matt seemed slightly confused as to why we needed to see his grandfather again.
(Matt's point of view)
"Matt are you rea –" Mary bust into my room, knocking on the door simultaneously as she entered. I barely had time to put my shirt on. I shot her an angry look, watching as she closed the door behind her more gently.
"Were you born in a barn? You could knock," I hissed at her, straightening the shirt over my body, realizing that the room was silent. I turned to her. She completely ignored what I had just said, and instead just stared at me, her eyes bulging out of her head.
"Wow! Look-at-you!" she came closer to me, eyeing me from head to toe. I shifted around uncomfortably, not used to being looked at like that, especially not by Mary. "Have you been...working out?" she reached out to me, in obvious disbelief, and started to feel my muscles under my new workout shirt.
I blushed profusely. If I had known that she was about to come in my room, I wouldn't have put on the shirt that Hayden gave me. Not even two minutes ago I had come to my room, following my dad's suggestion to change into some warm clothes. Then I saw the shirt that Hayden had bought me, still laying over the chair where I had left it last night, and a smile broke over my face. I hadn't bothered to put it away last night. Still grinning, I grabbed the shirt remembering why I hadn't bothered to stow it away. Last night...I was busy. As I was about to put it away in my closet, I looked at it more carefully. I would never buy something like an expensive workout shirt for myself, and yet now I had one. And I absolutely loved the color! The deep blue – my favorite. How did he know? I shook my head. Nicki never ceased to amaze me. I smiled silently to myself, lovingly stroking the silky material with my fingers, when suddenly I felt the urge to try it on. I quickly took off my shirt – and that's when Mary burst into my room.
"Wooow...," she continued to croon, spinning me in front of her as if I were her personal mannequin. I wiggled away from her arms, frowning, still feeling terribly self-conscious about the way the shirt was clinging to my body. But Mary grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me towards the mirror, where I was indeed heading only seconds ago, when I was still alone. She steadied me in front of the mirror, looking at my reflection over my shoulder.
An angry protest died in my throat as I stared at my reflection, with not-so subtle surprise. I was never vain enough to check my workout progress, so what I now saw in the mirror truly came as a surprise.
The blue workout shirt was stretching over muscles that I didn't even know I had. My pecs were showing, outlined nicely under the blue material, rounded with the visible changes in my shoulders and arms as well. I involuntarily touched my chest, feeling the lining of the muscles that were flowing down my chest. My own biceps flexed at me in the mirror, adding to my surprise. I had definitively put on some muscle since last time I'd looked at myself! Mary shook me gently by my shoulders, raising her eyebrows:
"Little Matty...all grown up," she said, voicing my surprise.
"Yeah, and I don't know what all the fuss is about," I snapped back at her, trying to hide my discomfort while turning away from the mirror. I was still feeling a little embarrassed, but that was completely silenced by a wave of astonishment. I opened my closet and half-stepped in, providing a little more privacy for myself. That was me in the mirror? My eyebrows rose, and a silent "wow" crossed my lips as the reflection of my own body lingered in front of my eyes again. I quickly found a different shirt. Something less...revealing.
"Oh, I know why you are soooo bashful," Mary drawled behind me, in a very mocking tone of voice: "Only Hayden is allowed to touch the goods," she added, with even more ridicule in her tone, emphasizing his name. I turned to her, still undressed, furrowing my eyebrows and trying to look angry:
"Yeah. Exactly. So keep your grubby paws off, woman," I hissed back at her as best I could in my mock anger.
"Oh, please. If I wanted to get my hands on someone, I would rather have Hayden than you," Mary teased, rolling on her stomach on my bed, kicking her feet up in a best high-school-girl manner: "He is soooooo hot!" she crooned, batting her eyelashes at me.
I hurled my shirt at her: "You touch him, and you will have to deal with these!" I flexed my arms in front of her, showing off my newly-discovered biceps.
Mary burst into a salvo of laughter at that, tossing my shirt back at me: "Put it on! Please...before I die of laughter..."
I gave her another scowl before I donned my shirt, but my lips were already cracking in a smile. I closed the closet door, and turned to her. She was still chuckling, quieting down, and then she gave me a warm, content smile.
"Seriously, Matt...he is really good looking," she nodded. I smiled nervously at that. It was still thoroughly unnerving to think about Nicki being a part of my life in such a way.
Mary continued, looking somewhat dazed: "Yeah, and he also looks...I don't know. It's just the way he is looking at you, he seems..." She hesitated, seeking the word in her mind.
I cocked my head at her, curiously. Anything regarding Hayden would immediately perk my attention.
"I want to say `Fearsome' but that's not the right word...'Dangerous'? That's even worse..." Mary mused over that a bit more, and then she looked at me with determination, as she found the word that she was seeking.
"Protective."
I raised my eyebrows at her, in surprise. She quickly continued, as if she was trying to soften the harshness of her opinion:
"It's just the way he looks at you!" she shrugged her shoulders, seeing how I was taken aback with her statement.
I could feel myself blushing profusely. I never really paid attention to how Hayden and I look in other people's eyes. I was definitely not used to having someone paying attention to that. I knew that I could stare at Hayden for hours, without even noticing it, or getting tired of the sight. But the revelation that he was doing the same was mind-boggling. And then I remembered...this morning...it was just before my parents walked in the kitchen. We were sitting at the kitchen table when I noticed that he was staring at me, his eyes getting deeper by the moment, as he had his gaze locked on mine. But what totally blew my mind was him saying something so simple, and yet so devastating that it had made me shiver:
"I got lost in your eyes."
That was not something that he thought over and over, waiting for the proper moment to say it. No. This was a spontaneous insight of his mind, which shattered my composure for a couple of very long moments. I was just not used to hear something like that from anyone...especially not from someone who appeared so composed and in control as Hayden usually did.
"Um, well..." I stammered, biting my lip. Mary looked at me, seeming puzzled:
"You hadn't noticed that?"
I shook my head. She laughed at my confused expression:
"No, you wouldn't have, obviously. When you guys gave presents to each other...I saw him looking at you. He didn't take his eyes off from you, as if you were his..." she was seeking a word again for a brief moment. "...his wolf offspring," she finished.
"Do I look like a whelp to you?" I frowned at her in honest disapproval.
"No, you silly puppy," she teased: "It's him...He reminds me of a wolf – keeping a close eye on his keen," she laughed at me.
I rolled my eyes at all that nonsense and pursed my lips at her. "Whatever. It seems that you were looking at him more than I did," I finished, finally putting my shirt on. I didn't want to keep my dad and Hayden waiting downstairs.
(Hayden's point of view)
I went upstairs and knocked on the door of Matt's bedroom. Matt's dad sent me to get him, since we were supposed to have left several minutes ago. Matt let me in:
"See? Courteous; not barging into my room like an ill-mannered bull," he exclaimed, nodding his head toward me. Mary laughed:
"Well, he doesn't know you like I do...and besides, I've seen you naked. There is nothing to see."
Matt's face instantaneously flared up:
"I was FIVE! And I still bear emotional scars from that event! And I think that I've had enough of you for today – so hush!"
I glanced varyingly on both of them, but then I saw that Matt's lip is curling up, revealing that this was part of the usual banter between Mary and him.
"Um, your dad wants to leave soon," I conveyed the message.
"Yeah, I need to get going too," Mary jumped off the bed:
"Nice to finally meet you Hayden. I didn't have a chance to say hi, a couple of weeks ago when you saw me," she said to me, a little bit too nonchalantly. I cocked my head in a silent question.
"I was Matt's `one-night stand' that you saw in his bed that morning," she clarified for me. I shook my head, trying to conceal my bewilderment:
"You people need to stop introducing yourselves to me days before I have a chance to do it myself," I mumbled, provoking laugher from both of them.
"Matt! Do I need to come upstairs myself and drag you away from Hayden?" I heard James's voice booming from the bottom of the stairs. Mary covered her mouth so she wouldn't laugh out loud.
"Ow, you've done it now, Matt...trouble!" she exclaimed, passing between us. I caught Matt's infuriated gaze that was burning a hole in her back as he followed her, not missing a chance to grab my hand as we left his room.
(Matt's point of view)
Yet again, I was feeling like a fifth wheel. We were standing in grandpa's garage, with my dad, my grandfather and Hayden chatting over Grandpa's Impala. They had the hood up, and were discussing passionately about various parts. And, again, it was in a foreign language to me. But the thing that was bothering me the most was the fact that I couldn't snuggle next to Nicki in the cold garage. I muttered something to myself, pulling my jacked tighter around me. Why did my dad think that this was a good idea? Standing in the freezing cold talking about something called...optispark? But then I looked at Nicki again, and it actually made sense. This was definitely his turf: all three of them were avidly talking about engines and the modification that Hayden had done to his car; I realized that this was actually a treat for him. I looked at my dad with a smile. Sometimes he could really pull a surprise, especially when I remembered how he was drilling Hayden when he arrived yesterday. "It's a good thing that the two of them are getting along," I sighed with relief. If that was not the case...I didn't want to explore that possibility. And apparently Hayden made the same positive impression on Emmet as well. Yesterday, I had introduced Hayden to my grandfather as a friend from school. That explained enough, but it would take more than that to explain hugging and...the other stuff that would go on in the garage if I were to be asked. And Hayden understood the situation completely; he would occasionally give me a very intense look, but he kept the distance in front of my grandfather. Yet even now, in the middle of the passionate conversation about engine modifications, somehow he managed to stay connected with me. And that was more than plenty for me. I didn't care if he was indeed halfway across from the garage, I still felt close to him.
My grandfather beckoned us both back into his house after almost an hour of torture. Of course I could have gone in there myself, but that would have meant leaving Hayden...I smiled to myself. That was not an option. I'd rather freeze to death.
We all hung around inside for a while, me glued to a heater, until we needed to go back home. Hayden and I were planning to leave the next morning, so we still needed to pack. My grandfather walked us toward the door, chatting with my dad as I was trailing behind.
"And where do you think you're going, cub?" I heard grandpa's voice as I was reaching for the door. I turned around in the narrow hallway, letting my dad pass me on his way out. Nicki was already outside, standing next to my dad's truck.
"Here...a Christmas present," he clumsily stuffed several bills into my jacket pocket. I protested, but he shushed me, nodding like he knew something important.
"So your Hayden and you can go to movies or a dinner sometimes,"
My jaw dropped. My grandfather never explicitly stated anything about that side of my life, although he knew about it. And now...he was being all mushy about it? Giving me money so "Me and my Hayden could go to movies or something"? All that must have been painted all over my face, since he laughed out loud and clapped me on the shoulder, sending me toward the door.
"What, you think that I don't see what is going on here? I might be ancient, but I'm not blind," he nodded toward Hayden with his bushy eyebrows.
"Grandpa, I – um...Thank you!" I uttered, looking at him.
"Yeah, yeah. Now scram before I change my mind," he yelled after me, waving to my dad and Nicki. I shook my head in disbelief. What else would this Christmas bring?
(Hayden's point of view)
Matt and I were sitting in the airport lobby, waiting for our flight back. We were sitting next to each other, with our shoulders and thighs touching, close enough to feel together and still not draw attention. We both decided that it would be a good idea to go back to school sooner rather than later, so we could get ourselves prepared for the beginning of the semester. Although I would've liked to stay at his parents' place longer, we both knew that we had a lot to do before school started. Yet despite having agreed on that, both of us were reluctant to leave. Ever since we left his parents' place this morning, both of looked as though we weighed a ton. Neither of us spoke too much. I knew what my reason was: Matt's home seemed like a peaceful oasis that appeared in the middle of the stormy ocean that was my life, barely more than a day ago. It was a calming experience, from more than one point of view. "And rewarding," I thought to myself, glancing over ata Matt, who was sipping his coffee, immersed in his thoughts. I must have been staring at him for a while, since he turned his head towards me and smiled. I reached out to him, just to graze his hair with my fingers, not really caring if anybody was going to see it. And it seemed that he didn't mind either, as he leaned his head on my shoulder. I hugged him with my free hand, as both of us went quiet again, staring at the planes lined up outside of the airport building, in the gray and gloomy day that was threatening with yet more snow. My own thoughts drifted away, in a very incoherent way that was imposed by my tired brain. A lot of things had happened lately, and my mind was jumping from one event to another at lightning speed. Matt coming to my place. Me going to his. Us staying together for that day, and leaving for school. Me getting a ride from Scott to Matt's place...wait a minute – there was a whole day missing there! The whole day of me being sick to the point that I didn't even remember him coming over. And I didn't even notice that. Then...me flying and driving all night to Matt's place, and the anxiety that painted the whole trip. And finally, the pleasant feeling of welcome that permeated my stay at Matt's parents home. It was not just a feeling of courteous greeting that guests might expect; it was a feeling of being accepted as a part of the family, a warm sensation that was coursing through me during my entire stay with them.
The announcement over the intercom interrupted my musings, stating that we needed to check-in. I looked down at Matt and smiled. He had dozed off, resting his head on my shoulder. I called quietly to him:
"Matt...Ma–att..." He moved a bit, and his eyes circled the lobby. He was obviously disoriented, not knowing where he was, but then he looked up at me and smiled sleepily.
"We need to go," I smiled back at him.
"Mhm...go?" He was simply adorable in his sleepy confusion, sleep still weighing heavily on his eyelids.
"Yeah, silly. Go fly – in a big shiny bird, remember?" I teased him a bit more until he straightened himself up in the seat. We got up and checked in but, when we got back to our seats, we discovered that they had already been taken by an elderly couple. Matt suggested that we to go over to one of the huge lobby windows, and I agreed. We stood in silence for the next several minutes, just watching planes taxiing on the runway. I hugged him with my left arm and he snuggled next to me, somewhat covered with my jacket as he traced his hand around my waist. But, not even a minute later, I wanted more. I turned to him and placed both of my hands on his hips. I could see that he shot a brief, worrying look around us, concerned if anyone was looking. I caught that look, and pulled him behind one of the huge pillars that were spaced throughout the airport lobby. The spot behind the pillar was not as secluded as I wanted it to be, but it was less exposed than standing in front of the large window. My back barely touched the pillar when Matt pressed himself against me. My lips hungrily found his, as he eagerly went along with it, closing his eyes and enjoying the touch of our bodies. He slid his arms into my jacket and pressed his body close to mine, as if he was trying to push himself into me. I could feel every point of his body that was pressed into mine as he was holding onto me, his hands clasping my sides. His tongue was exploring my mouth in such a lovely way, that I didn't want him to stop. It was just so wonderful, feeling him holding on to me, feeling his lips on mine and his body pressed to me. At first he appeared reserved, almost holding back to the point that I was having second thoughts about us making out here, but than he relaxed and opened up to me. His mouth became more inviting to me, as we seemed to fade into our own little world. We were kissing for a long time, when I felt something else pushing into my thigh. I opened my eyes in a surprise, breaking our kiss. Matt backed off slightly, breathing heavily, looking at me with that eager look in his eyes. It was that fervent, hungry, passionate look that would send tingles down my spine. That look belonged somewhere else, not in the lobby of an airport full of people. That look belonged in the secluded space of his room, with him laying on his bed, wearing his sleep pants and...
I snapped out of my little fantasy, realizing that my jeans were getting alarmingly too tight. My own organ was waking up, trying to match his, being separated only by the thin fabric of our jeans.
"Matt..." I whispered, still holding him, and then diverting my eyes, pointing downwards, where our hips were glued together.
He dropped his eyes as well, following mine, and then quickly lifted them back up to meet mine. His face fell in that instant, as his eyes were now showing panic, half-hidden by the bangs that were falling over his forehead. In no time, he turned beet red, and withdrew from me some more, stammering:
"Oh Hayden..I-...Sorry! I got...carried away...and, um-"
I smiled at him, brushing away the hair from his eyes with both hands:
"It's okay. I don't mind it at all," I looked at him, trying very hard not to laugh at his discomfort. He was still looking bewildered and uncomfortable, now holding onto me with his fingers barely touching my flanks. I stopped smirking at him seeing that he was really getting upset. After all, this was not the place for kissing, and definitively not for...other stuff. He looked around, calming down, and then he looked at me. And then at the ground, and then at me again, even more briefly, with his eyes avoiding mine, looking somewhere aside again. I cocked my head a bit, in silent inquiry. He looked at me again, and then at the ground. I brushed away the hair from over his forehead, not really asking him anything, but still acknowledging that I could see his nervousness.
He was still trying to stammer an apology:
"Um...I-...I'm sorry...I'm not used to all this and..."
I smiled at him even more.
"It's okay, really...still funny, though. I think that we can stay here for a while," I said to him, straightening myself up from the pillar so I could hold him in a more relaxed way. He was still visibly embarrassed by the whole ordeal, his cheeks still flared up, and his eyes still nervously darting around the airport lobby behind us and avoiding mine. I hugged him tightly, touching his chin with my index finger, making him look at me. In a matter of seconds, I could feel that the tension dissipating from his body. His eyes became calm again, as he relaxed in my arms, making the moment more and more comfortable, with us two just standing motionless next to each other. The moment drifted into a very serene and content one, as we were just holding each other, until we heard the overhead speakers announcing that our flight was boarding.
(Matt's point of view)
If I could disappear from embarrassment, I would have gladly done precisely that. Even though Hayden's calmness was doing wonders to help me relax, I could feel my cheeks were burning. I couldn't believe that I had let myself be so overwhelmed by Nicki's presence, that I had let my body override all of my consciousness. I was embarrassed, both for myself, and even more so, for him. When I finally realized what was going on, it was already too late. I cursed in my head. It was even worse than that: I hadn't even noticed my erection, pressing shamelessly into his hip. I had been too carried away, too immersed in the wonderful sensation of floating, being lost and weightless while Hayden was holding and kissing me. And as usual I got totally lost, allowing the surrounding world to just fade away behind me, because all I ever wanted from life was right there, right next to me. Hayden was kissing me, but the whole sensation of being with him, having his hand around my waist, keeping me close to him, making the whole world disappear – that was something that I yearned for all of my life, without even knowing it. His presence would make it so easy for me to lose all sense of connection with the real world. And that's why coming back to reality and realizing what was happening was so horrifying. Unlike me, Hayden did not seem fazed at all; he appeared amused with the whole thing, while I was horrified, and nothing could erase that from my brain. I was looking around, at the planes, at the gray carpet of the airport lobby, at the buttons of his shirt – anywhere, just to avoid looking into his eyes. I couldn't force myself to meet his gaze, knowing that he was looking at me right now, making my embarrassment even worse. I backed off from him in panic, torn between the desire to run away and, at the same time, the need to stay with him, in my little oasis of safety, my own private and sheltered spot in this world that I never wanted to leave – his arms. Suddenly, I felt a touch, the ever so gentle touch of his hand on my cheek. I had to look at him. I knew that he didn't care as much as I did, but I still felt as if my ears were on fire. Nicki's eyes were full of compassion and understanding, as he smiled at me. Right away, I felt that my anxiety was being hushed away into a small spot in my mind, still present, but buried in a distant corner so it was not so overpowering anymore. I smiled back at him, still not feeling fully calm, and my eyes still darting everywhere.
And then it dawned on me that I had never told Hayden how inexperienced I actually was, how this was all new and frightening to me, and how he could probably expect even more problems from me. And besides that, there was something else looming in the distant background, behind all that, a hidden and shapeless feeling that was rolling in my mind, behind all the apprehension and awkwardness of that moment. I started to feel overwhelmed by panic as it rose inside me once again, with a newly-found force. I needed to tell him that. I tried to say something, but my seized brain was unable to articulate a single word properly. All that was coming out of my mouth was a stuttering, nervous attempt to blurt it all at once, making everything even worse.
Hayden straightened himself up from the pillar so that he was standing next to me now, seeing that I was not coping with this ordeal very well. He stood next to me, tall and calm, just like the pillar behind him. And then he lifted my chin, gently making a wordless request for me to look at him.
Hayden did not say one word. He just kept his calm gaze on me, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb, still just looking at me with such composure and calmness in his eyes that I could almost instantly feel all the apprehension, all the embarrassment and all the anxiety simply fading away. In a matter of moments, the previous events were just an uneasy memory, fading quickly into the surroundings of the gray day outside. I sighed, feeling somewhat silly about the whole ordeal. Hayden gave me a small smile and hugged me in a friendly, relaxed manner. Soon after, we had to board the plane but, as we walked down the hall, I realized that there was still something trailing behind me, like fingers of a ghostly sensation that I couldn't quite see or recognize. It bothered me, being unable to figure out what it was that chased me from behind in the slow, taunting style of a nightmare that only becomes real at night, while during the day it remains ambiguous and distant, waiting in the shadows of the consciousness for the opportunity to emerge in its full strength.
(Hayden's point of view)
We arrived back to our town, and got Matt's car from the airport garage. It wasn't that late in the day, but I felt somewhat tired. It felt odd, only a couple of days ago, Scott had dropped me off at the airport, with my heart clenched in my chest because I didn't know what to expect from the future, feeling as if I'm betting everything that I had left in me on that trip to Matt's hometown. And, I guess, the tiredness began to settle in. It was an odd sensation of exhaustion, nothing like the tiredness after a good workout, when your body is pleasantly tired but satisfied, or the sleepy tiredness after an overly long day. It was tiredness similar to the way one might feel after a hard exam, when every mental fiber was pushed to the limit to concentrate. I chalked it up to the extraordinary amount of stress under which I had placed myself in the past few days. "Yeah, meeting his parents under those circumstances is not something that you can call ideal," I grinned to myself, shifting more comfortably in my seat. Matt glanced at me, taking his eyes off the road briefly, curious about my sudden outburst. I shook my head, smiling: "It's nothing. I'm still just rethinking the last couple days. It still feels a bit like a fantasy,"
"Oh, so you think of it as a fantasy? And what about me? How do you think it feels for me – to have the best Christmas present – ever, delivered to my doorstep? How about that for a fantasy?" he laughed, glancing at me, but with a serious look in his eyes.
"Oh, the sneakers? That was nothing..." I placed the fake nonchalance in my voice. A second later, a hand slapped my shoulder. I turned to him, grinning.
Just as he was about to say something, his phone rang. "I will deal with you later," his lip curled in a smile as he mouthed a false threat quietly to me, opening his phone. It was his mom, inquiring if we got home safely. Matt spoke with her briefly, and then apparently the phone on the other side changed hands, since he was talking to Mary the next moment. Trying to pay attention to his driving, Matt spoke with her only briefly. I could tell that she was asking him something, and that he was not happy with it. Finally he gave up, and handed the phone to me:
"Can you please talk to Mary? She is talking my ear off with the demand that I cannot answer to, and I still want to get us home safely,"
I took the phone from him, not missing the fact that he had said "get us home." It had a pleasant ring to it, but before I could think it through, I heard Mary's voice in the receiver.
"Hey, Hayden. I guess Matty is too embarrassed to ask you himself...I wanted to ask you if you could send me a picture of you two guys. I know I would like to have one, and I think Donna would like one too. You know that you made quite an impression here?" she added.
"Positive, I hope," I replied, somewhat taken aback by her demand.
"Oh, definitely! Everyone absolutely loved you – including me, of course. We are all glad that you guys are together, especially me. Finally I can stop hearing about Hayden this' or Hayden that' almost every day!" she laughed, imitating Matt's tone of voice. I joined in, feeling somewhat awkward that such conversations ever took place.
Mary and I talked for a little more, and then finished our conversation. She asked me for my phone number and, when I gave it to her, I could see Matt giving me another brief glance. I didn't understand why, until Mary laughed in the phone: "And tell Matt that I won't flirt with you behind his back...I promise,"
I laughed and closed the phone. "Mary is worried that you might be jealous if she talks to me," I handed the phone back to him. He laughed, but with a strange, hollow echo, though I didn't want to give it any meaning.
"So, I guess we need to take some pictures together...would you mind?" he glanced at me, worryingly.
"No, no I wouldn't. I guess their request is to be expected..." I finished, still feeling a little awkward, for no reason that I could think of.
Matt's hand found mine on the console between our seats. I took it, enjoying the feeling of his skin, the touch that brought contentment to me. Our fingers intertwined, keeping us together just enough to make that little space in between us disappear. It was almost the same as on the plane; we didn't get seats next to each other upon boarding, but I asked the flight attendant to place us together and she agreed. I was very grateful for that, since it meant that Matt and I could be together during the flight. Even though we both dozed on and off on the plane, the feeling of Matt's head on my shoulder and his hand in mine was a welcome sensation every time I woke up. I leaned my head on the head rest, diverting my eyes from the road and towards him. I noticed that he was biting his lip, and then he glanced back at me, confirming that something was bothering him. I lifted my head from the head rest, looking at him intently now. He noticed my stare:
"Well, I wanted to ask you something myself, for a while...but it feels odd and silly."
I smiled at him. He looked so adorable, being shy and embarrassed about the littlest things. His eyes would still dart to meet mine, looking at me under those bangs of hair, which just added to his appeal.
"Well?" I pushed on, now being curious.
The lip biting continued, as he finally got the courage to continue:
"I wanted to ask you...if you have a picture of yourself...that I could have," he finished giving me a full-on look for a brief second.
Even if I had had any quandaries about his request, they would have been washed away as soon as he looked at me. The whole impression of his face, turned to me, piercing me with those stormy blue eyes, emphasized with dark hair that was framing his forehead and falling on his cheeks, remained burned in my brain even when he turned back to watch the road. I realized that I had not answered him because I was still infatuated with the image of his face, which was lingering in front of my eyes. I cleared my throat to break the silence that was starting to be too heavy.
"Sure...I have some at my place. Most of them are back at my parents' house, though," I thought about it for a second, and then I turned back to him, with a lighter tone in my voice: "But this means that I could ask for the same favor, right?"
Matt chuckled, nodding. And then, with his loveable smile, he added: "No problem...next time I go back home, I will bring some," he grinned. It took me a second to figure out why he had that sly smile on his face.
"Hey that is not fair! You can have – no, you will have your mom or Mary send some over here. I will take no excuses," I pouted, realizing that the idea was actually quite appealing. To have Matt's eyes always available for gazing... although there was no way that even the best picture could convey that incredible, crystal depth of his eyes. He laughed, obviously feeling at an advantage after his little prank.
(Matt's point of view)
I pulled up in front of Hayden's house and we got out of the car. Hayden opened the door, letting us in as he placed his bag on the kitchen floor. I looked around. His kitchen was in disarray, with stuff piled on the counters in a mess that did not fit the usual tidiness of his house.
"Maid's day off?" I teased him, pointing towards the mess.
"Um, sorry. We left in a hurry," he replied, clearing up paper bags and various items from the kitchen table.
"We?" I asked, helping him with the dishes that still had bread crumbs on them, as if someone had eaten a sandwich from them. I didn't even know why my voice winced a little bit when I said that.
"Yeah, Scott gave me a ride to the airport," he replied, absentmindedly, tossing some leftovers in the garbage. "Do you want something? Are you hungry?" he asked, looking in the fridge.
My stomach growled, reminding me that last time we had eaten was breakfast at my parent's house. I nodded, putting dirty dishes in the sink. Hayden fixed dinner for both of us in no time, pulling various things from the freezer and the fridge.
"You have to teach me that magic...how to make a feast in ten minutes," I said to him as we sat down to eat.
"Ha! Microwaving stuff is no magic, it's cheating," he replied to me, smiling.
We both went silent, eating our dinner, with the evening becoming quietly comfortable. I realized that I didn't want to leave, but on the other hand, I couldn't stay forever, either.
"What are you doing for the rest of the evening?" I asked as we finished our meal.
"Well, I probably have to answer a gazillion emails and pay some bills, unpack, and then see about school stuff, call home..." he went on, while I helped him clean up.
"Yeah, same as me," I sighed, leaning against the counter. He was still clearing up dishes as I stood there, just looking at him. Despite the fact that we did not leave each other's sight the past few days, I still couldn't take my eyes off him. He noticed my stare, and stopped cleaning to come to me.
"What?" he asked quietly, placing his hands on my hips.
"I hate that I have to go," I sighed.
He frowned with surprise: "Why do you have to go? You can stay here...for a while,"
I sighed again. I whished it was that simple. "No, you have things to do, and so do I. And all of my stuff is at my place," I found a plausible excuse.
He looked at me, raising his eyebrows for a second, and then he nodded in understanding: "Okay."
(Hayden's point of view)
Even though I knew that Matt's reasoning for leaving was valid, I stayed at my doorstep staring into the darkness, long after his car disappeared from my sight. I knew that he, too, wanted to take a shower, unpack, check his mail, and all the similar trivial things that always needed to be done. I had a similar pile waiting for me, but I really didn't want them to replace his presence. "Reality sucks", I mused, closing the front door. Sure enough, as soon as I opened my inbox, I had to deal with tons of emails, all while listening to some pretty angry voicemails from my parents. Calling them back and explaining to them why I had decided to stay here, and then disappearing in the middle of the holiday, was difficult, but they were relieved to know that I was okay. My mom was genuinely surprised to hear my request for her to send me several albums of my pictures, but she complied. Then I called Scott and Courtney to tell them that I was back; Courtney was beside herself:
"How can you just disappear, just take off like that? Scott said that you went somewhere, sick as a dog, chasing some guy who apparently owes you money – his words exactly! And then I could not get a hold of you for days!"
"Sorry, Cort...I forgot my phone charger, so I couldn't call anyone," I apologized, barely containing my laughter. I was chasing some guy who owed me money? Only Scott could concoct such an implausible story.
"Did you go home for Christmas?" Courtney asked, more calmly.
"Well..." I started, but then I realized that seemingly simple explanation of where I went was not so simple. Courtney did not know yet about Matt and me, and I was not sure that it would be okay with Matt to share that part of my journey.
"I went to see a friend," I evaded, feeling lousy for not being able to tell her the whole story. She picked up on my hesitation immediately, and changed the subject to some school issues. I smiled to myself. It takes a sensitive person to realize that I was avoiding the whole story, for whatever reason, and I was forever thankful to her for not pressing on with any further questions. That story was not just mine to tell, so I decided not to disclose any details as of yet.
I finished the conversation with her and sighed. Matt never seemed to be bothered by the idea of the two of us being together in public, but on several occasions he placed more than physical distance between us. At his grandfather's garage, he stayed on the other side of the car, as if he didn't want for us to be perceived as a couple. I was really surprised with that, but I said nothing about it. Everywhere else he was glued to my side, his hand not leaving my hip. So, was it that he didn't want us to be known as a couple only by some people? When we boarded the plane he stayed with me until he had to take his seat several rows away from mine, obviously displeased with that, which prompted me to ask the flight attendant to shift my spot next to his. It took some persuasion, since the flight was fairly full and she was obviously tired of people making ridiculous demands. But, when I looked at him, he had an odd expression on his face, almost as if he was annoyed by my discussion about him with the flight attendant. Finally, she obliged, and I was rewarded with a seat next to Matt for the rest of the flight. All those murky thoughts disappeared, however, when I saw his brilliant smile when he realized that she seated me next to him. So, until I figure out those details with him, I decided not to make any assumptions. "I guess little stuff like that makes things more interesting," I sighed, getting back to my emails.
(Matt's point of view)
"Are you settling in for the evening?" blinked the message on my laptop screen. My heart raced a little bit - it was from Nicki.
"Yeah. A lot of things to do tonight," I typed the answer, still talking to Mary. Nicki was right about the piles of stuff that demanded my attention: there was an email from my advisor, dated four days ago, to which I had not bothered to reply to, since I hadn't thought that I would come back to school. Now I was typing my explanation of why I had missed my appointment, all while talking to Mary. And now I was messaging with Hayden as well, which took precedence, despite the fact that I had left his place not even two hours ago. Mary noticed that my mind was not completely focused on her anymore:
"Are you even listening to me?" she scolded me
"Yes, yes...he just shot me a message trough email messenger," I explained to her, while typing back.
"Ah, so that means that good ol' Mary can be disposed of?" she snapped. I instantly felt bad, focusing back on our conversation. Nicki was obviously busy on his end too, since there was a delay in his response. I continued to talk to her for a while, still eyeing my messenger box like a hawk every few seconds. Thankfully Mary and I were already finishing our conversation, so she laughed at my failure to multitask, and we said our goodbyes. For the next hour, I was messaging with Nicki on and off, in between his and my emails. We finally decided to call it a night:
"Well, have a good night. I'll see you tomorrow, then," he typed. The message stayed on the screen while my fingers hovered over the keyboard, hesitating with my response.
I started biting my lip. The unnamed feeling started to roll in the back of my brain again, as if it was trying to push itself to the forefront.
"Okay. I'll call you," I typed back. He sent me a winking smiley sign, and then he signed off. I looked at the laptop screen, feeling somewhat empty. Why was he being so formal? I sighed, and finished with my session as well, feeling tired. I got ready for bed, brushing my teeth and putting away my clothes. And, as soon as my head hit the pillow, sleep crept over my eyelids, telling me how tired I really was. I snuggled under my comforter, realizing that, unlike last night, Hayden was very notably absent from my side.
"Well, I guess that means go to sleep, Matthew," I sighed, still disheartened how lonesome my bed felt.
Seconds later, my phone chimed with a message. I jolted in a surprise and rolled over to grab it from the nightstand where it was charging.
"I miss you."
My chest filled with feelings that threatened to overwhelm my heart. He cares, he cares about me! He is just saving the most thoughtful message for the very last moment, knowing that I will carry it into my dreams. The smile was almost hurting my cheeks as I was typing my response.
"I miss you too, Nicki"
End of ch 18
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Take care
HF