Rip Tide

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males are illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests at raspucin70@yahoo.com. Copyright Zare Scott 2009

Chapter 19: Hunger

(Matt's point of view)

"Settle down folks, and let's get this started," the lab assistant was ushering us into the Biology laboratory. I took a spot at one of the tables, sitting across from a girl with glasses. We nodded to each other, still looking curiously around. Biology II should be interesting. I had just got my stuff out when another guy walked in, looking for a place to sit down. I looked at him, curiously. He was skinny and pale, with a flame-red mop of hair framing his face. It made him look as his head was on fire. I couldn't take my eyes of off his appearance, and he noticed that. The next thing I knew, he was walking towards me.

"Is this seat taken?" His voice was very soft and melodic, sounding almost strange to my ears.

"No, it's not," I moved my backpack closer to my end of the table, making space for him.

"Ronnie." He introduced himself, sitting down and extending his hand.

"I'm Matt," I shook his hand, trying not to stare at him. I must say that I was intrigued by his physique, mostly by his face. He was a true red-haired stereotype, pale with thin lips, blue eyes and freckles all over his face. I diverted my gaze, feeling somewhat embarrassed. It almost felt like a child who was seeing some exotic animal, which he had never seen before.

The lab assistant took a roll call and started with the usual laboratory safety lecture. It was the same as the previous semester, so my attention soon started to drift away. This was the first week of the semester, and it seemed as if it was going to be a difficult one. I had two labs and a bunch of other classes, including an online literature course: it was a full load. But the busy schedule didn't bother me at all; I knew that I could do well in all my classes. What was bothering me mostly right now was the fact that school was effectively placing a time crunch on my free time. Or, to name it properly, "Nicki and me" time. He had classes for the most part at the same time as I did, only on Fridays I still had one lecture and a lab, while he had a day off. "The perks of being a senior," as he put it, laughing. My thought drifted away from the drone of the boring safety movie, back into the last weekend, before school started.

Hayden and I spent most of the weekend together. I still remembered how on Saturday morning I was back at his place, nervously fidgeting at the front door, waiting for him to open. It was a delightful little nervousness, that had started as soon as I woke up, continuing throughout my morning shower, and the brisk walk to his place. I was amused how as soon as I stopped moving, it would arise within me, forcing me to move on. It was weird - almost as though the physical act of walking or moving around was keeping it subdued, and the minute I stopped it would churn back again, pushing me forward, to take my shower more quickly, to dress faster, to walk almost at a running pace. I knew where it was coming from – I was so anxious to see him, to jump in his arms. It reached a boiling point when I finally arrived at his place and knocked at the door. I realized that I was actually biting my lower lip, fidgeting on my feet like a puppy who is eager to go outside. Time was moving at an unbelievably slow pace as I finally heard the door open, and he appeared, smiling widely at me. Nothing could soothe me more than the sight of those dark eyes, greeting me with warmth, his wide smile lightening up his handsome face. And those strong hands, his gentle, strong hands, embracing me once again. My lips found his as he pulled me in the house and closed the door, still not breaking the kiss. I gave a satisfied sigh. Being back in Nicki's arms, with my arms around his neck and his around my back, felt almost as though I was quenching my thirst. It had been only one night, and I already missed him terribly. We broke our kiss, as I pulled back a little to look at him. He was studying me, still smiling.

"What?" I asked.

"Seventeen messages last night?" he raised his eyebrows at me, trying to appear stern.

"Honestly, officer, I could swear it felt as if there were only five," I chuckled.

He shook his head, giving me the most adorable, lopsided grin that I had seen so far. He was obviously surprised how childish I can behave. Indeed, last night I had bombarded him with text messages from my phone for almost half an hour, until my phone slipped away from my fingers as I was falling asleep.

An absent-minded smile was still plastered across my face when someone nudged me. I came back from my daydreaming, to see Ronnie holding a stack of forms that we were supposed to fill in. His blue eyes were curious:

"You need to fill these out," he said, in the same soft voice.

I thanked him with a nod, trying to conceal the fact that I wasn't quite mentally present in the lab one minute ago.

The lab assistant came around, collecting papers, and looked at Ronnie more carefully.

"Aaron, you will have to wear a cap or tie your hair. I cannot let you have loose hair in here," he said. I looked at Ronnie, who defiantly looked back at the assistant, but nodded compliantly.

"You too, Matthew," the lab assistant spoke to me next. I looked at her with surprise. My hair was not that long...or so I had thought. I nodded as well.

I overheard Ronnie utter something that sounded like swear word, but I couldn't quite make it out. It sounded soft, and yet it he had barked it in the same half voice I always used when voicing a cuss. I glanced to him, and then back to the TA. I didn't want to argue about the hair issue, since I knew I couldn't win that battle. When the lab assistant turned his back towards us, I rolled my eyes, gesturing silently to Ronnie what I was thinking. He shrug his shoulders, letting the whole thing go, but his eyes remained glued on me. The girl across our table giggled at our antics. I smiled at her, not feeling that amused anymore. The last thing I wanted was a stickler for a lab assistant. However, from Aaron's side of the table, I could still feel his stare.

(Hayden's point of view)

I met with Scott in the cafeteria. It was even more of a madhouse than usual, being the beginning of the semester. I was lucky to grab a table and a couple of chairs for both of us, looking around for him. I just had to give him a couple of notebooks, and then I could go home. And, honestly, I was in a rush. Matt and I compared our schedules yesterday, and it seemed that they were fairly similar, which meant that we could spend almost every evening together. And I didn't want to sit here any longer than I had to, wasting that time, waiting for Scott. Finally, he showed up, with a new girl in tow behind him. I looked at her. Bleached blond, cheerleader-tight body and matching style in clothing. Typical girl for Scott; but, then again, him being a wide receiver on our football team, I guess it made sense. He introduced her as Ashley. They had to share one chair that I saved for him, but they didn't seem to mind that at all- she nested in his lap, grabbing every chance to smooch with him. I had to laugh. He gave me the "what?" look but we both straightened our faces when the girl looked back at us. I didn't want to undermine his coolness with this girl, no matter how slutty she appeared. It was his choice, not mine. But I forgot that Scott did not share the same sense of sensitivity:

"So, how are things going with you and Courtney?"

I must say that he took me by surprise with that statement. I opened my mouth, but I didn't quite know what to say.

"Who said that there is anything going on with me and Courtney?" I decided to use offense as my defense.

He frowned at me, in obvious surprise:

"Oh yeah? Linda, her roommate says differently," he grinned at me.

I narrowed my eyes at him. I didn't like where this conversation was going. The girl in his lap turned to me, eyeing me as I was pushed in a corner. Scott continued, being too smug to hide it:

"Linda and I bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago and she spared no details in telling me what happened after the finals game...and what she was hearing all night long after that," he grinned at me triumphantly. Ashley gave me the smirk as well, following her boyfriend's example.

I decided that that was enough: "Aren't you late for your practice?" I glowered at him a bit.

He laughed and then they both stood up. We bumped our fists together, as he winked at me.

"Don't worry...I won't tell anyone...more," he gave me an evil grin and took off.

I sighed, shaking my head. Scott thought that he had something on me, and I let him have it. He was a good guy, but I couldn't let him have all the facts of the relationship between Courtney and me. Often enough, he just couldn't keep his mouth shut, and the football team locker room was worse than a sewing circle in terms of gossiping. The situation between Courtney and me was complicated enough for him to know even half of it, and let alone the situation between Matt and me. That was a whole new ball game there. I didn't quite know what exactly to tell other people about Matt and me. He and I spent a lot of time together lately, and I loved every minute of it. I could tell that from time to time he became nervous about certain things, and I was trying my best to ease his anxiety. He still trembled lightly whenever I held him, as if he was cold, telling my brain to take it easy with him. I was really surprised to find out that he did not have too much experience in kissing; I mean, I could tell that our first kisses were just raw passion, but later...he turned into a very skillful kisser, who was returning as much as I was giving. I never asked Matt about his previous relationships, and he didn't disclose any so far. And I didn't want to ask, simply because I didn't care. I wasn't curious to know with whom he had been before me. He was with me now, and that was all I cared about at the moment. And I loved his little mischievous niceties, that showed every now and then, making me laugh out loud. Friday night he sent me almost a saga of text messages, that were coming one after another, before I could even think of replying. He wrote, in medieval style, about all the things that happened to him after he had left. About the stars in the dark sky, the cat that startled him ("Ferocious werewolf, fangs blazing in seek of my youthful blood!" as he wrote). And I loved it! I kept reading until he obviously fell asleep, and I didn't want to reply and wake him up. When he showed up Saturday morning, I poked him about it a bit, but he changed the subject. Matt was still somewhat shy about certain things, so I decided not to pry. We sat down and had a breakfast, and then moved to my living room.

As soon as we sat down, he nested in my arms, without saying a word. We just sat there, watching TV for some time, me not even paying attention to the screen. I was too engrossed in caressing his chest and inhaling the soft smell of his hair. I gave him a kiss on the nape of his neck, which provoked a giggle from him, as he shifted himself. I found that irresistible: he was ticklish there! I attacked the same spot on the other side, making him squirm, and then again on the other side. He returned the attack, turning himself on top of me and attacking my ribs. I arched my back, laughing and trying to get him off from me, but he was relentless, deciding to get his revenge. His teeth were flashing with laughter, his eyes were sparkling with delightful immaturity, as his body was dancing on top of mine. Finally he had had enough, as he held his hands on my chest:

"Surrender?" He asked, looking at me triumphantly.

My sides were still echoing with laughter, as my eyes locked on his. His hair was disheveled a bit, and it was falling over his eyes more than usual. Still, his eyes were gleaming at me behind that veil of dark bangs, as he was holding me down. That contrast made his eyes even more striking, even more piercing than what I could ever get accustomed to. My breathing became deep. I took a hold of his hands, my eyes still not leaving his.

"Never," I whispered, gently taking his hands apart, letting him lose his hold, and catching his fall. Our lips met, as he grabbed my face and started to kiss me. I could never get enough of the way we kissed, the way his body felt on mine, the way he was breathing into my mouth, lovely little breaths in between moving his lips and his head in slight motions, just so slight to make every moment of that kiss different, just so unique and special.

We must have made out for more than hour. The TV became just a drone in the background as I closed my eyes and just enjoyed Matt's soft lips, and his tongue lovingly battling with mine. My hands nested on his back as our chests remained pressed together, him laying almost on top of me.

My lips were almost numb when we broke our kiss.

"Mmmm..." he murmured, nestling back in my arms. I tossed my head back, inhaling deeply, still tasting him.

"You are such a good kisser," I whispered to him.

There was a shift on my side. I lazily opened my eyes. He was propped on his elbow, looking at me, wide eyed:

"Really? You really think so?" he asked, genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, silly. Why else would I say that?" I laughed a bit.

He smiled, looking somewhat embarrassed, and then he looked away, somewhere at his hand that was still resting on my abdomen. I didn't miss noticing that he was getting nervous for some reason. I glanced at him, but he remained silent, resting his head on my chest.

And that was what was bothering me, even now, days later, as I was walking across the school parking lot. I got to my car, ruminating once again about the whole weekend. I couldn't quite pick just one thing that was disturbing to me, nor something specific that I could wrap my brains around. Matt was unnervingly ambiguous to me, and I didn't dare explore where it was coming from. Matt and I could be together every day, all day long, talking, watching TV, making out for hours. And I could tell that he was enjoying it as much as I did, laughing and having that irresistible sparkle in those gorgeous blue eyes But as the evening would approach, he would become nervous and somewhat inpatient, those eyes would have that shadowy cast in them, and soon he would leave. And, as soon I saw that overcast, that grayness in his eyes, something in me gave me a painful twinge, almost as though I got pierced. That happened on Friday, but I didn't pay attention to it, since we were both tired from the trip. Saturday was the first time that it became obvious to me. He became anxious in the evening, and soon after that he left, saying that he needed to finish some homework. The same thing happened on Sunday as well. We spent the most of the day together, and in the evening we went to the movies. We cuddled throughout the movie, as he remained glued to me, but the moment we got into the car, he became silent and almost distant. I offered him to drop him at his place, and he readily agreed. I simply did not know what was going on, and I was afraid to ask. I was afraid that he would see that as pushiness from my side, as an invasion of his privacy. And I didn't want to lose him again over some hasty move. And yet, it was eating me alive.

(Matt's point of view)

I only had half an hour between the classes to find what I was looking for, so I sped up in between the shops in the mall. The thought of getting a digital camera was not a new one, and now I had a valid excuse to spend some of my savings. "And besides, everybody has one nowadays," I thought to myself. Whom was I kidding? I was getting it so I could take pictures of Hayden all day long.

I was still grinning when I finally got into one of the retail stores in the mall that had nice choice. After quick browsing, I settled with a nice digital Nikon that was on sale, so I actually saved some money. But, on my way out, at the jewelry section, a crazy idea came to mind. "Oh, why not...the camera was on sale," I thought to myself when I found what I was looking for. It was pricey, but I didn't care. I placed an order, and then I had to rush back to campus. I couldn't be late for my Physics class. The lecture was over quickly, so I gathered my stuff and got into the car. I was soon on my way home, thinking about the things that I had to do for tomorrow. But, soon after, just as in the Biology lab yesterday, I found myself thinking about Hayden, and the incredible weekend that we had together. I smirked to myself when I remembered how we got into the tickling game on his large couch, just watching TV. At one point, I was on top of him, with my fingers buried in his ribcage, as he was squirming underneath me, both of us laughing out loud. I smiled again, remembering how his body was writhing, as I could feel his firm muscles rippling under my hands. I didn't want to stop the game. I enjoyed the way his strong body was moving underneath me, his hips bucking, his cheeks wrinkled as he was laughing, revealing his white teeth...

I had to stop. It was turning rapidly into something else, something much more sinister, something that I realized was not just a ghostly feeling that was haunting me.

I rubbed my hands on the steering wheel a bit, trying to evoke the feeling that I would never forget, how his muscled chest were rising and falling rapidly underneath my palms, as he was trying to catch a breath. Firm, fleshy, an indescribable feel of those large muscles pressed against my hands. We both became motionless, as our eyes locked. I looked at him as he suddenly became serious, giving me that calm gaze that would make all of the background to disappear. His dark eyes seemed as though they were getting warmer, filling with some internal fire, and then he grabbed my hands and pulled me on top of him. We started to make out again, the heat emanating from him making me forget about world around me as I was kissing him. It felt as though time stood still. It could have been seconds or minutes – it didn't matter, it always felt so quick, to short, when we would pull ourselves apart, breathing heavily. My mouth was still tingling from his lips, as I nestled next to him, quieting down. I felt almost perfectly content, just laying next to him. But I realized that my haunting feeling came after me. I was laying next to Nicki, keeping him in my arms while he held me in his, however, my mind was racing. That look that he had earlier in his eyes started a wave of pure anxiety in me, the carbon copy of the anxiety that I had felt at the airport, the anxiety which I had realized that I carried in me for quite some time, even before I had met him.

And I knew what it was. This time it was more resilient, crystallizing itself in a nerve-racking revelation.

The exit that I was supposed to take came too soon, as always as when I was so deep in thought. I sighed, pulling off the highway. This time, I had no one to turn to. Neither Mary nor my mom could help me with this. Strangely enough, Hayden would be the best person to talk to about it, but there was no way that I could bring myself to talk to him about that. At least not for now. And I knew that I was only delaying it, just as a child would procrastinate to show a bad report card to his parents. The problem was that I knew that the issue would come up, sooner or later.

"It is already a problem, you're just shoving it under the carpet," I thought to myself.

I needed to tell Hayden that I had never slept with anyone before in my life.

I pulled in my driveway, but I remained in my car for several more minutes to collect my thoughts. All the stuff that was running through my head was conflicting and confusing. On one hand, I wanted it, badly. So badly, that my whole body was aching for it. And on the other hand...In all honesty, I was scared shitless of the thought of having sex. Especially with Hayden. I couldn't even think of a valid reason for it! Just the thought of dealing with such a big thing in my life – for the first time – was bringing the anxiousness in me to a boil. And I knew where it was coming from, at least a big part of it. I wanted to be good for Hayden – what with him having had a lot of girls in his life, he was probably expecting a lot.

I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel, trying to find some inner peace. Instead, a fury of new thoughts started to emerge.

Hayden had had a lot of girls in his life. Where would I fit in that? Would I fit there at all?

I lifted my head from the steering wheel as a new thought echoed through my head, and sent sharp chilling pangs of fear into my chest:

"What makes you think that Hayden doesn't still want a girl in his life?"

I almost choked at that. The scene from the airplane came back to me. We were already seated, when Hayden stood up from his seat, several rows in front of mine, and started a conversation with a young stewardess. From my viewpoint, I couldn't see his face, but I could see every expression on the flight attendant's. At first she was just cordially smiling, but than she mellowed a lot, even laughed, reaching out to touch his shoulder. They continued to talk for a few minutes, him leaning on his seat in that relaxed and confident way that was so natural to him. I watched them both, as if they were playing a part in some drama, right there in front of me. A few minutes later, Nicki walked down the aisle and sat next to me, not mentioning anything about the conversation. The stewardess made one sweep throughout the cabin, making sure that everybody was buckled in, and then she disappeared, preparing for the take-off. But I hadn't missed a meaningful smile that she gave to Hayden when she checked our row. I knew it was silly and stupid of me to think anything of it, but...was he flirting with her? Right in front of me?

I pressed my forehead into my hands, still locked on the steering wheel. I realized that even after the dizzying course of the events that had happened in the past week, I still didn't know a lot about Hayden. And it was freaking me out, the disturbing absence of sensation. It was as if I was going through a very dark room, reaching out with my hands into the unknown space, trying to find my way around. It was a frightening feeling, walking in an answerless circle, not knowing what darkness might hold for me.

(Hayden's point of view)

I looked at the clock again –even though it was not that late, the dusk was setting quickly outside, replacing the gray winter day. Matt was several minutes later than his usual arrival time at my place, and I was already impatiently peeking through the kitchen window, looking for him. The past few days had flown by very quickly – we were almost done with the first week of classes! And, in all honesty, the classes and labs seemed as if they just dragged on, delaying the time that I could spend with Matt. We would meet once or twice during the day, just for a couple of minutes, long enough to grab a sandwich in a cafeteria, but, in the end, I was always looking forward to the afternoon and evening, knowing that that was our time, the time that we could be alone and not worry about our surroundings.

As in the previous afternoons, I was cooking something when I heard the doorbell. I yelled for him to get inside.

"You don't have to ring anymore...you are not a stranger," I said, right before he shut me up with a kiss.

"Yes, but I'm still a guest at your place," he responded, several minutes later when our lips unlocked. He dropped his backpack, and helped me set up the table.

We ate dinner and then moved to the living room. I walked behind him, sorting through the mail. There was an envelope that I handed to him:

"Here, this one is actually for you."

He raised his eyebrows, and then his forehead wrinkled, displaying vividly his confusion. "But it has your name on it..." he tried to reason with me, but I motioned for him to open it up. He looked so adorably confused, but I didn't want to take the surprise away from him, as he was opening the thick envelope that my mom had sent to me.

"Ohhh...it's the picture album..." he gasped with surprise, thumbing through the photographs. I craned my head, looking at them as well. Memories started to flood me, as Matt was shifting through them too quickly for me to recollect all of them properly. My mom had sent me pretty much the last five years of my life, condensed in one album, along with a short note. Matt started to go through them again, at a slower pace, looking more carefully at each of the photographs. Some of them stirred too many memories. My mother did not know about a lot of things in my life, and she didn't know how to determine what to send, and what to omit. And I could hardly blame her. A picture of me, leaning on my Mustang with one of my former girlfriends, was just one of them. Matt stopped at that one for a barely noticeably longer moment than the others, and then he continued sifting through the album, asking me occasionally about some of the pictures. He finished with the album and placed it back on the table in front of us. I was looking at it as if it were a Pandora's box. To an extent it was, stirring up recollections in a deeper way than I would like to admit. I glanced at Matt. He gave me one deep look, and I noticed how the room became engulfed in heavy silence. Then, he suddenly jumped off the couch:

"I almost forgot! I got something for you as well!" he exclaimed, and sped off, returning with his backpack. He pulled several bags from it, and started taking stuff out of them randomly.

"Wow...did you go shopping today?" I asked the obvious question, as he pulled out a brand-new digital camera from one of the bags.

"Well, I found it on sale, so...and besides, we need one. Remember your promise?" he looked at me again with seriousness in his eyes; however it was a completely different kind of seriousness from the one a minute ago. This one had that familiar spark in his eyes behind it. I smirked at him:

"I already have a camera...you didn't have to buy one."

"Why didn't you tell me that! Well, it makes no difference...I wanted one anyway. But that is not what I have for you," he smiled mysteriously, and then got serious again, digging through his backpack and finally handing me a small box.

"What is it?" I asked, but he got quiet again. I looked at him. He did not just get quiet. He was biting his lower lip now, looking at the box in my hands. I pulled the lid off slowly, revealing a golden bracelet, with a narrow plate attached to it. It was heavy, and obviously expensive.

"Matt...what is this?" I asked quietly, momentarily realizing how inane my question was.

"It is...it's a friendship bracelet," he almost whispered. The moment became heavy with silence once again.

"This is too much...why did you buy this?" I how insensitive I was in saying that, so quickly continued: "I mean...it's not my birthday or anything..." I looked at him, in honest surprise.

He smiled at me, not fully, just flashing a nervous little smile, shying his eyes from me for a moment. "Does it have to be your birthday? I got it for you...because I wanted to." His voice became more assured, and he continued, in much more upbeat tone:

"Do you like it?"

I shook my head, looking in the box, still in disbelief. I realized that he was still waiting for my answer.

"Oh, I like it...I like it a lot! It's just...I'm not used to expensive presents," I continued, taking the bracelet out of the box. It was indeed nice, with an engraved plate. I turned to read it. The beautiful markings were engraved, and then painted in black, making it subtle and astonishing at the same time. I craned my head to read the inscription, but to my surprise, it was written in Japanese symbols.

"What does it say?" I turned to Matt. He gave me a smug smile:

"I thought that you can read kanji."

I shook my head: "Just because I have some Japanese graphics on the wall, doesn't mean that I know Japanese ideograms, smartass! And besides..." I looked at the engraving more carefully: "This is written in katakana, not in kanji," I grinned at him.

"There is a difference? Wow, I didn't know that." Now he was the one looking surprised, for a change.

"Oh, yes...a lot. But I still cannot read it," I turned to him.

Matt didn't answer to me immediately. He took the bracelet from my hand, and then he gently pulled my right hand into his lap. I watched his hands, mesmerized, as he placed the bracelet around my right wrist, and then locked it in place. It shined faintly in the dim light, revealing the markings on the plate. Matt gently rubbed his thumb over the engraving, and spoke very quietly, yet with a lot of strength in his voice:

"It says: `For life'."

(Matt's point of view)

I kissed Hayden goodbye, and started to walk back to my place. I felt a million times better than I had this afternoon. I had been in so much turmoil that the afternoon resembled a stormy ocean, and now I felt as if I had sailed into a quiet lagoon, ready to dock for the night. I felt that Nicki and I had covered a lot of ground tonight, and it felt good. It felt as if I was finally connecting to him, in that true and inexpressible way, that I couldn't describe, nor find a word for. But the evening did not start that light and easy. I picked up Hayden's present on my way to his place, but, when I got there, Hayden pulled one of his surprise moves that made me forget it all about it being in my backpack. When we sat down, he gave me a large and heavy envelope from the handful of mail that he was holding in his hand. He continued to be mysterious about it, even though the name on the envelope was clearly his, as well as the address. It all made sense when I opened it and pulled out a thick photo album. Nicki sat next to me, as I started to go through it, his thigh resting pressed against mine, his shoulder almost touching mine as he was leaning to take a look at the pictures. I eagerly started to flip through one page after another, looking at what seemed like a colorful life. Almost every photograph was in a different setting, with very diverse people in them. Nicki, with friends, at school. A young Hayden, no more than sixteen, putting on a goofy face with a boyish grin, holding a skateboard under his arm. An older Hayden, looking all serious, working on a motorcycle in a garage. Then, working on a car, in an identical settings; except that now he was wearing a tank-top, showing off his muscular arms, smeared with grease. The next one presented a sharp contrast: him, receiving a diploma, smiling to the camera. I stopped briefly at that one:

"Such a difference – you all oily and sweaty in the previous picture, and graduating in this one."

"Yeah...it's night and day. It took a lot to get there," he nodded, as I went on. In one of the photographs, there were more people, gathered around and posing next to two motorcycles. I scanned through the picture, but I couldn't see him. There were a whole bunch of shirtless guys that looked intimidating to me; some of them had large tattoos, covering their chest and arms.

"Did you take this one? I don't see you there," I turned the picture to him. He glanced at it, and then looked away.

"No, I am in it. Look more carefully."

I started to scrutinize the photograph. I heard Hayden let out a small sigh, while I was looking over the picture. It took me a long time to spot him. Long, dark hair was flowing down to his shoulders and, like most of the other guys, he was shirtless, and looking almost menacing. There was no boyish Hayden in that picture, with a mope of hair and dazzling smile. The guy from the photograph had almost no similarities from the one sitting next to me. Only his eyes remained the same, but those were not the eyes that I was used to seeing every day. They were dark and distant, completing the whole unfriendly atmosphere of the picture.

"Wow, look at the hair...and you were so skinny," I exclaimed, trying to sound casual. I didn't want my voice to reveal the heap of questions that stirred up in me. Questions that I really didn't want to know the answers to.

"Yeah, I wasn't living a very healthy life back then," I heard his voice.

Something made me stop. In a matter of seconds, I had the exact same feeling as I had had that night, when I saw him playing his guitar. This was a part of his life, and he was giving it to me, to go through it as though if it was an open book. It felt weird, almost as if I was dissecting him, going through bits and pieces of his life, realizing that almost every photograph carried a story, that every picture had a part of him built into it. I was still going through the stack of photographs, when I realized that Hayden was not looking at his pictures with me anymore. I glanced at him. He had his elbows resting on his knees, just like a moment before, but he was staring somewhere in front of him now, not paying attention to what I was doing. I felt a stab of guilt. I knew how closed he was, and there I was, going through his life as if he was placed under a microscope. I quickly finished with the album, and placed it back on the table. He looked back at me, and for a very brief moment, there something in his eyes, something dark and deep. I wasn't even sure that I saw it, because in the next moment, his eyes warmed up as he smiled at me. It made me snap from the awkward moment, as I remembered and jumped on my feet: his present! I ran to the hallway to get my backpack. When I came back, Hayden was still sitting as I had left him, not looking quite as relaxed as usual. His whole posture set a different mood in the room. I slowed down, hesitation churning in me as I was pulling stuff from my backpack.

There was a lot of nervousness in me when I gave him the bracelet. . The idea of buying it for him seemed really good at the time, when I had seen it in the mall jewelry store. I felt that I owed a lot to Nicki, and this was just one way to show it. That night I decided to personalize it even more and, remembering that Hayden liked Japanese art, my idea evolved some more. After a couple of emails from a free translation site, I got what I needed. The jeweler did raise his eyebrows at my request, but he took the printout of the unreadable Japanese symbols. The finished engraving came out better than I had imagined.

But, that evening, when I gave it to Hayden, I realized that I was giving him...jewelry. And, in that moment, I grasped just how awkward the whole situation was. And to top it all off, the engraving on it seemed awfully corny now. My fears were intensified by his initial reaction. At first, he looked at the box as if it contained kryptonite. But I was wrong. He was just so surprised, that it took him several moments to realize that the bracelet was for him. I actually felt the need to reassure him, so I took his hand in mine, and put the bracelet on his wrist for him. When I had first seen it in the store, under all the lights in the display case, I had envisioned it being around his wrist, just like right now, but the reality surpassed my imagination. It looked simply stunning, with his tan skin beautifully contrasting with the rich shine of the metal.

I still had my emotions stuck high in my throat when Hayden reached to me, lifting my chin with his hand. I leaned over to him, and we shared a very light, but very meaningful kiss. Then he actually gave me a hug, and whispered in my ear: "Thank you Matt...I love it." His words came out slowly, in a voice that was deeper than usual. I nodded into his neck, fighting tears for a moment, but when we leaned back, I couldn't help not have a triumphant smile on my face. He was still studying his present, reassuring me that I had made the right choice.

"It seems a little tight on you," I noticed.

"Yeah, it is, just a little bit. I guess I can get it sized," he smiled back at me, and then nodded towards the photo album that was still laying on the table, almost forgotten now.

"Did you find something that you like?"

His question surprised me. I wasn't even thinking about taking any of those photographs from there. It seemed just too disturbing, as if I would take a chunk of his life, a piece of his history that he was not quite miscible with his current life. I looked over to the album. Truth to be told, none of the pictures really struck me as something that I would like to have for myself. In most of them, he was with people that I knew nothing about, or he was with different girls – presumably past girlfriends. I shook my head.

"No, not really. I actually would rather take some myself."

He smiled at me and nodded, so I pulled my newly-acquired camera out from the bag. Unfortunately, it took both of us a good part of the evening to figure it out, and even then we discovered that we needed to charge the batteries in order to get the camera to work.

In the middle of our fiddling with the instructions, Hayden said to me:

"I saw Scott yesterday at the cafeteria. He gave me crap abut Courtney, asking me how things are going between us."

I lifted my head. "Scott knows about us?"

Hayden raised his eyebrows at me, with a look of confusion showing on his face for a brief moment.

"No, he thinks that I'm still with Courtney," he went quiet, continuing to sort through the disks and manuals that came with the camera.

I realized that he was telling me much more than what he was saying. I was thinking about what he said, and what he was actually asking me. And what he was asking of me.

"Do you..." I started. Suddenly, it was not easy to say what I had on my mind. Still, I pressed on, almost forcing my lungs to push the words out: "Do you want to tell him...or anybody...about us?"

The silence consumed the room once again. Hayden looked at me, his hands still full of papers from the camera.

"It's up to you," he finally replied, his eyes not leaving mine.

I realized that he was leaving the decision to me, and it was not an easy one. My first thought was about his reputation here. There were a lot of things that he had worked hard for. He was pretty popular here, and had a large group of friends. Would he still be viewed in the same way by his peers if he was...with me? I couldn't make that decision. It was just too much responsibility, and it would involve too much risk on his behalf.

"I am not...in best..." I muttered, not really knowing what to say. I fidgeted with the camera in my hands for a while, searching for non-existing buttons on it. A hand came over and covered mine. I could feel his calm gaze resting on me.

"We don't have to tell anybody about us...but I don't want to keep it a secret."

I nodded, still looking at the camera, but inside I still didn't feel any relief.

"I don't know if that would be a good idea...for you." I finally replied to him. There was a silence coming from his side of the couch. It was so consuming that I had to look at him.

"Why?" His eyes were conveying more inquiry than that word.

"I just don't think it would be fair to you. I don't mind if people know about me, but for you...it might hurt your status," I finished.

"My status?" He chuckled, but without laughter.

I nodded. He pulled himself next to me and made me look at him:

"Do you seriously think I care what people think about me? Matt, I care about you. If you don't want for people to know about us, that's fine, but there is no reason for you to be worried about my status. I want you to know that I don't want to hide what we have here. The last thing I want is to have other people's opinions influence my life," he finished.

I looked at him. He reached out and brushed the hair from my forehead and cheek, and sighed, adding: "But if you don't want it, I am not going to push it on you."

I was biting my lip, still not convinced. He continued:

"I was thinking...If you want to, we can just get Scott and Courtney in on it, and go from there," he finished, looking back at me.

I nodded slowly, looking back at him. That sounded like a good idea. He hung around both of them a fair amount, so that choice made sense. And besides that...if he was not hanging out with Courtney anymore, people would figure out sooner or later they were not together. So keeping it quiet would only result in putting off the inevitable. I nodded, more reassured this time.

The rest of the evening was uneventful. We were so engrossed in setting up the camera and loading its software on the computer, that I didn't even notice that it was very late by the time we were done. Only when Hayden yawned and stretched himself on the chair next to me, it dawned on me that it was past midnight.

"Wow. I better go," I started collecting my stuff.

Hayden gave me a surprised glance: "At this hour? Why don't you stay here tonight," he suggested.

There was no demand in his voice, he was just stating the obvious, making it even harder for me to sound credible and casual at the same time.

"Nah, all my stuff is back at my place. I still need to write up my lab report for tomorrow," I said, putting stuff back in my backpack. "Is it okay if I leave my camera here?" I pointed at the camera, still surrounded with all the packaging and papers next to the computer.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," he said, looking distracted. A sudden urge to leave came upon me, as if there was a looming question coming up, and I needed to get out of harm's way before it emerged to the surface.

"Let me at least drive you home," Hayden said, watching as I slung my backpack over my shoulder.

"No need, but thank you. I'll see you tomorrow, then?" I glanced towards the front door, almost as if I was planning of making a dash for it.

There was a pause. I knew that I was making the whole situation awkward, that I was shoving a lot of stuff under the carpet, and I hated myself for that. Hayden came very close to me, almost inches apart, placing his fingertips at my flanks, and his mouth right to my ear: "I wish you would stay."

I swallowed, hard. It was just a whisper, barely more than a hot breath over my skin, but it made me shudder. His voice reverberated from the skin of my neck all the way down to my lower stomach.

Shit.

Even I knew what that meant. The hallway became increasingly smaller with every beat of my racing heart, as my eyes darted from the front door to the stairs leading upstairs. It was an exact match of the internal conflict that was battling inside me. Go home... or stay with him. That staircase to the second floor was something that I saw as inevitable if I stayed, it represented all that I was afraid of. Various thoughts raced through my mind. The need to leave was being quickly overpowered by my desire to say yes, to stay with him, to be with him tonight. I was like an animal in a cage that was closing, and I think he noticed that.

Hayden pulled himself away from me just enough for us to establish eye contact, giving me that half-grin that I loved so much. Every time he smiled in that lopsided, crooked way, his cheeks would wrinkle most adorably, placing a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. "But I guess if you have that lab report, then you need to get that done. School first, everything else can wait."

I almost visibly sighed in relief. I felt as if I had just dodged a bullet. I smiled back, and kissed him.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Can't wait. Call me when you get back home, okay?" he added, worryingly, opening the door for me.

"Okay, dad.... and don't stay up too late," I shouted back, just to retort on his "fatherly" comment. He laughed, and stayed in the doorway for another moment before closing the door, watching me as I walked away.

The streets were deserted at this hour, leaving me to my thoughts as I walked along rows of sleepy houses. I almost felt relief; however, I was too pissed at myself to feel it. I was mad at myself, at my cowardly retreat, at the way I treated Hayden. And above all, I was angry at my own psychotic brain that was placing such a powerful ban on something that was supposed to be natural and easy. Why I could I just not let myself go for a change? I knew that I wanted for it to happen, and I knew that Hayden wanted it too – so why all the anxiety? I knew that I was placing brakes on seeking for any kind of physical contact while I was still back home, but now, when I actually found someone that I wanted to have relationship with, I still couldn't relax and let myself go? I was on the verge of calling Mary, but I abandoned that idea, feeling embarrassed about discussing something that intimate with her. I sighed, carrying instead an internal conversation with her on my own, in my head. After all, what could she tell me? Oh, probably something like: "Relax, Matthew. I'm sure that it will come to it, and sooner rather than later. And knowing Nicki, he will ask you before he tries anything serious. And then you can have that talk with him."

I stopped in the middle of the empty street. It was as if I had had a revelation right there, while running through the dialogue with myself in my own head, mocking Mary in her absence. I nodded, slowly. As ridiculous as it sounded, my own brain came up with a logical way to set things in place. I smiled to myself and continued walking. I hated to admit it, but I had made myself feel a lot better.

"Now I'm hearing soothing voices in my head. Lovely. Pretty soon I will have my own padded room and a set of crayons with which to write on the walls," I scalded myself, still smiling.

(Hayden's point of view)

"Home safe. I'll see you tomorrow" A short message came on my cell phone. I finished brushing my teeth, and typed a brief reply as I walked into my bedroom. I sat my alarm clock, and went to bed. It was already past my usual bedtime, yet I couldn't sleep. I felt tense, as though someone was tightening some inner string inside me, notch by notch. I hooked my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling, while thoughts were running trough my head.

Matt was driving me crazy. That was the best way to describe it. Not in any kind of irritating or irresponsible way, nor was he doing it on purpose. It was the fact that I still couldn't figure out where I was with him. It felt as if we were getting closer to each other and further apart at the same time. That was what I couldn't wrap my brain around at all. On one hand, almost every day he came to my place, where we would spend a wonderful time together. He was really eager to see me, at least from what I could tell. And today he absolutely blew me away with his gift. I moved my right hand a bit, shifting the bracelet around it. The heavy metal around my wrist was barely noticeable, warmed by my skin. I reached around with my left hand fingers to feel it, finding the engraved grooves on the plate. None of my friends or family had ever surprised me like that. As a matter of fact, none of my previous girlfriends had ever surprised me with anything like this, either. He had put a lot of thought behind it, personalizing it in addition to just buying me an expensive gift.

"For Life."

That message carried so much thought in it, that I could spend all night thinking about it all – and I was sure that was his goal. So from that point of view, I could deduct that he really liked me.

On the other hand...Today I decided to push my luck, so I openly asked him about us being together in the public. It was almost an experiment, more of a trial to hush up my wariness. But his answer only deepened my doubts. Or more precisely, the lack of his answer. It was almost as if I had to force him to make a decision, which I really didn't like.

And in an addition to that, I could almost witness the nervousness rising in him when I suggested for him to spend the night. I couldn't understand why he was still unwilling to stay overnight, even after some rather involved make-out sessions that we had had. I sighed, feeling the tension building up in me.

And that was another problem. I wanted him, and I could feel my control starting to slip away because of it. I wasn't kidding myself. I was horny as hell, and the primordial urges had started to take over. In all my previous relationships, sex happened within the first week of going out, and very often even sooner than that. And often there was not even a "relationship" at all. I sighed. The last time I had got laid was with Courtney, and that had been weeks ago! And Matt was giving me...nothing! I had made some advances in the past week or so, but Matt didn't respond to them, or he would become nervous, shifting the subject, or even leave. And that was exactly what had happened tonight. I think I even went one step too far before regaining control over myself, but nevertheless he still almost bolted out. The minute he left I regretted my hormone-laden advance, but it was too late. Luckily, I didn't think he noticed anything more than our usual kiss goodbye. Then, a thought came to my head, making all the musings disturbingly clear.

Could it be...could it be that he had suffered some sort of abuse before he met me? He was still so quiet about any of his former relationships, which could be an indication that he is was trying to forget some part of his past. It did make some sense, the way he was reluctant to stay, even after getting very physical with me. I glanced over to the nightstand, where my cell phone was. He was probably still up, working on his homework. But, then again, wouldn't that make things even worse? Me, forcing something on him even more?

Shit.

I sighed, turning on my side. All of this was very unnerving, and, for what it was worth, there was no mutual friend that I could talk to regarding that. I mused for a couple of moments. There was his friend Mary, but I didn't know her that well. I could ask Courtney to talk to him. Maybe she would make him –

I scolded myself for thinking in such a manner. There I was, trying to think of some way I could get Matt to have sex with me? And thinking about involving Courtney into that? "Nice going, Hayden, thinking with your dick," I grumbled to myself, turning on my other side. I made myself stop thinking in such a manner, and soon I was drifting to sleep, still realizing that my bed felt very empty without him next to me.

(Matt's point of view)

I got into the restaurant just minutes before Scott. Hayden and Courtney were already sitting in one of the booths, just looking at their drinks and not talking at all when I walked up to them. "Wow, this is not good," I thought to myself as I approached them. Nicki spotted me first, and tried to get up in the tight space, but before he had a chance to do so, I slid next to him, across from Courtney. She greeted me as well, with a smile that was genuine; however, I saw that her eyes were red.

"Well, here we go, one jealous tantrum coming right up," I mused, disheartened.

It was Hayden's idea to meet with Courtney first and break the news, and now I was glad that he did that. He and Courtney had some history together, and I'm sure that privacy was desirable in moments like this. I mean, how often do you break it to your girlfriend that you are going to leave her for another guy?

"So...you and Hayden, huh?" Courtney smiled at me. I nodded, shying my eyes away from her. Somehow, it did not feel as bad as I thought it was going to be. She didn't seem surprised, nor did she look as if she was about to throw a fit. I actually found that unsettling, but a couple of minutes later, she revealed that she had actually known something was going on, but this was the first time that we had made it official. Courtney reached over the table and took my hand in hers.

"It's okay, Matt. I'm actually glad for you guys. I think both of you are going to be very happy with each other," she smiled at me. My eyes went wide in surprise. There was no sarcasm in her words, she honestly meant it!

Courtney laughed briefly at my expression, adding: "It is actually such a shame...two gorgeous guys off the market in one single blow – that is hard to digest," she laughed, making both of us chuckle.

At that moment Scott walked to the booth, greeting us. He looked aggravated. He slid next to me, almost forcing me to move further to Hayden, who in return moved closer to Courtney.

"So are we having a secret society meeting or what? When I told Ashley that she cannot come along, she accused me that I'm screwing around," he announced, sounding irritated.

"Well, does she have reason not to trust you?" Courtney asked, in a false soothing tone, exchanging glimpses with all of us. I could barely contain a smirk myself. Scott gave her the evil eye:

"What can I say? There is too much distraction around the campus, and she is being so jealous that it's driving me nuts!" he flailed his hands about, provoking a bout of laughter from all of us.

The waitress came by and took our orders. We sat there for a while, talking about classes and other school issues until our food arrived.

"So how are things with you?" Scott asked me, taking a bite of his fajita.

I shrug my shoulders, cutting up my steak: "Okay I guess...I'm paired up with this girl in my Calculus class that is not really bright, as she keeps asking me these personal questions, like she wants to go out with me or something."

Scott smirked, barely swallowing his food before asking: "Aren't you with...what's her name – Jessie? She is a little hottie, but her friend Lisa is even better. Tell her to call me when you see her, okay?" He waved his fork in my direction, emphasizing his words

"Aren't you in enough trouble with Ashley already?" I responded, avoiding the answer.

He shrugged his shoulders back at me, with his mouth full. "Bah. When I find my perfect mate, I'll stop looking. Not everybody can have a nice deal like Hayden and Courtney here," Scott nodded his head across the table, pointing at Nicki and Courtney. I followed his glance. The two of them were sitting side by side, with their drinks and plates in front of them. I realized that they indeed looked like a couple at that moment.

"Um, Scott..." I tried to say something, but I stopped. He glanced at me, but my mind was drawing a blank. Shit, this was going to be harder than I thought. Luckily, Courtney jumped in my aid:

"Hayden and I are not together anymore, Scott. He is with someone else now," she looked at him intently.

"Ow. Okay..." he drawled. "Well, since you guys are keeping me out of the loop, how could I know?" he raised his eyebrows but continued to eat, completely unfazed. I couldn't help but notice that the rest of us stopped eating, and that there was silence around our table. I glanced at Nicki, and he gave me a reassuring smile. Finally Scott noticed that something was going on. He looked around the table, with a funny expression on his face that turned from puzzled to fuming in a split second, zeroing his eyes on Nicki.

"Wait a minute...don't tell me that my Ashley and you are messing around!"

Hayden laughed briefly, raising his hands in defense: "No, Scott, I am not with Ashley. There is someone else in my life, but I need you to promise me that you will keep your mouth shut about it, do you understand me?" Nicki's voice conveyed a very palpable threat, and I saw that his eyes narrowed a bit, hardening in that split moment. I almost ignored what was happening around me at that moment, being awestruck with that change.

Protective.

Mary's words echoed in my brain once again. For a lighting - fast moment, I felt a sting of fear, for whatever bizarre reason.

Scott craned his head, in confusion. He sat back, still holding his fork in his hand.

"Okay..." he said slowly, realizing that there was something going on.

"Well?" this time Courtney chimed in. I looked at Scott, who was getting uncomfortable from his own curiosity. He realized that Courtney was in on it, and he now he was dying to know it too. Finally, his curiosity prevailed.

"Okay! I promise! I won't tell anyone! Sweet mother, who are you with? The president's daughter?" he was leaning forward again, lowering his voice in anticipation.

I felt my heart start to race, and blood was rising in to my cheeks. I glanced at Hayden, who was still looking at Scott with his calm gaze. I couldn't believe how calm he could be in that moment.

"I am with Matt."

Scott remained leaned over for a very long moment, as if he hadn't hear Nicki's words very well. Then he blinked, several times, his eyebrows rising almost to the top of his forehead, as he leaned back in his seat. He looked at me, then at Courtney, then at me again, then finally at Hayden. And then he started laughing. He was laughing so hard that his face became beat red, his whole body was shaking from uncontrollable laughter. I looked around varyingly, becoming rapidly embarrassed. Fortunately the restaurant was relatively empty since we had come in before the evening rush, so nobody was paying any attention to us.

Scott finally stopped laughing. He was still giggling, wiping the corners of his eyes with his sleeves.

"Hayden... you and your sick sense of humor...you are going to give me a heart attack one of these days...haha..."

He settled down, still chuckling and wiping his eyes when he noticed that none of us were laughing with him. As a matter of fact, all of us were serious, just looking at him. He looked around the table, stopping in mid motion. His laugher died down as if it was cut with a knife He stopped in mid-breath, with an oddly serious expression on his face. In the silence that consumed the space around the table, the sound of a fork being dropped on the plate sounded like a gunshot. Scott had dropped his fork, without even noticing it, and now he was staring at Hayden. His face was getting longer by the moment, his eyes wide with bewilderment, and his mouth hanging open. He blinked, as if he was trying to wash away an unrealistic, dream-like moment from his head.

"WHAT?"

Hayden was still looking at him, as calm as had been before. Scott turned his head to Courtney, and then to me. It almost looked like a scene from a horror movie, the way he slowly turned his head to look at me. Anxiety rose within me once more, forcing me to clench my fists underneath the table to remain calm. His eyes were wide, full of some emotions that I couldn't describe. He was looking at me for what seemed like an eternity, with the same stare as he would probably give to a serial killer. I could feel the disbelief was getting overpowered by the hostility that was brewing in him. It was coming from his eyes, conveyed by that long stare. However, he held it together. Only his lips, tightened in a line, conveyed how much emotion he was holding in at that moment. I never experienced something as close to hatred and detestation as I was experiencing while enduring his stare. He composed himself a little more, ad his shoulders relaxed a bit. Blood came back into his lips as he released his tight clenched jaw, as he nodded.

"Okay...okay then." He was still nodding slowly, leaning back into his chair. His face was still not friendly, but it was far from being almost hostile, as it had been only moments ago. He tore his gaze from my eyes to meet Hayden's next, but it took him a while to actually say something.

"So...you and Matt. Wow." He said my name almost as if he was describing a disease. He shook his head in disbelief. "Well, I guess it shouldn't matter, right? You are still my friend, no matter what. It's just...a little unexpected, you know?"

"I know. And I'm sorry. This sort of happened overnight and –" Scott didn't let Hayden finish. Words avalanched from his mouth in pace that was hard for me to follow:

"Overnight? How come? How come one of my best friends here, that I shared a room with, chased girls with, shared everything all off a sudden..." his outburst died down, as he started to shake his head. "No. I don't believe it. I know you better than that. You might have convinced these two–" Scott waved his hand at Courtney and me " –but you cannot fool me. You are not like that. I just don't know why you think that you can be like that. That you can be with...a guy! That you can be with...him!" Scott motioned his head toward me, not even looking at me.

I could see that Nicki was losing his patience. His head was hung low now, and he was zeroing on Scott, his eyes getting dark again under his lowered eyebrows. I reached under the table, and rested my hand on his thigh. Hayden glanced briefly over to me, returning his gaze to Scott almost immediately, as if he was expecting a violent outburst from him. The tension was rising, reminding me of a stand-off in between two animals caught in a territorial dispute. But it was Scott who ended the discussion. He jumped up, throwing his cloth napkin on the table.

"It's your choice, man. Do whatever you want with your life, I don't care. I am out of here." And with that, he stormed out of the restaurant.

I finally exhaled. My heart was still racing. If things had gone much better than I had expected with Courtney, with Scott they went much worse. I rubbed my forehead to try to get rid of the tension headache that was building, and looked over to Hayden. To my surprise, he was smiling at me, composed as always.

"You are not worried about him?" I pointed over my shoulder in the direction in which Scott had disappeared. He shook his head, taking a sip of his drink.

"Not at all... he will calm down. The trouble with Scott is that he is coming from a very narrow-minded environment, so this is a very touchy subject for him. And I guess I did give him quite a shock," he finished, glancing over to Courtney. She looked back at him, obviously sharing my worry about Scott's outburst, but then she shrugged her shoulders.

"So, who is up for some dessert?"

Both Nicki and I looked at Courtney in disbelief. She was smiling at both of us, holding up a dessert menu: "I am not planning to have this nice outing with two of my friends get spoiled by the lack of something sweet; and it's Scott's loss for not staying," she said with such a nonchalance that almost all the tension dissipated from the air.

Hayden shook his head, rolling his eyes and chuckling in a half-voice. I joined in, my eyes seeking Niki's. He smiled at me, flipping through the menu, but I saw something that had not been there before Scott arrived. His eyes were guarded now, concern darkening the warmth behind them.

(Hayden's point of view)

"I was thinking about you a lot last night."

Matt turned his head towards me, stating the silent question with his raised eyebrows. I was just wiping my hands off after placing dinner for both of us in the oven.

"I should have listened to you. Telling Courtney about us was one thing, but Scott was a risky business," I finished, placing the kitchen towel back on its rack. Matt shook his head:

"You didn't know. Hell, I would have never imagined that he would go off like that. And besides, he and you hang around each other a lot...he would have got suspicious eventually, which would probably be even worse," he finished. My eyes probably widened in response, because he smiled at me.

"Wow. You really nailed it. Yeah, to have him running his brain loose would be a bad thing," I shook my head, joining him on the couch. He nestled in my arms, as I sighed, stretching my sore muscles.

"Still sore?" I heard him ask.

I nodded. Matt and I had started to go to the gym again, and today, despite my own advice, I had overloaded myself. My whole back and shoulders felt as if they were made of hard rubber.

"Serves you right...show-off," Matt continued. I groaned, shifting myself into a more comfortable position. Matt took my hand into his and started to rub my palms, gently but energetically, sending waves of relief through my hands. I murmured into his ear in approval of his actions, which prompted him to nudge me from my comfortable seat. I looked at him, in a silent inquiry.

"Move over," he commanded me as he moved behind me.

I groaned in pleasure as he started to work on my shoulders. His long fingers worked over my stiff and sore muscles, releasing tension and painful knots that had settled in after this morning. I closed my eyes as he methodically worked on my shoulders and then moved to my neck. His touch was never too rough or painful, and yet he was able to loosen up almost all of the tension that was building up in my overworked muscles. His fingers were so warm and pleasant, working over my skin. I started to fall into a very pleasant daze, almost falling asleep under his arms.

I mumbled something unintelligible again when he returned to my shoulders, kneading gently further down my arms. But when his hand moved to my biceps, I realized that there was a subtle change in the messages that my body was receiving and putting together. The moment his hands touched my bare skin, my senses stirred me from my daze. It was as if someone had turned on the light in my head, awakening my almost dormant senses. Everything became sharper and more pronounced, as if someone had blown away the fog around me. I became aware of the very firm touch of Matt's hands on my arms, his breath on my skin as he leaned closer to me to reach over to my biceps. My breathing became deep. His fingers were now sending stirring, almost electrifying movements that were shuddering trough me. I turned around, not willing to tolerate being unable to see him anymore.

His eyes were dark, dark again with those indescribable emotions that were making me immersed in them, to the point that the rest of my surroundings was fading away. I reached over with my hand behind his neck, and simultaneously I leaned into him. Our lips met, briefly, as I was laying a series of kisses on him, my breathing being very short in between. He was returning my advances as we slowly descended on the couch, him holding on to me as I placed my hand next to his, transferring my weight, letting my left leg to slip almost unconsciously in between his thighs, carrying my advances even further.

(Matt's point of view)

Hayden sighed again, obviously enjoying the treatment he was receiving. I was guessing that he had closed his eyes, letting himself enjoy the massage he was getting. I must say that I didn't know who had the advantage here: I was fulfilling one of my own fantasies, which had lingered in my head ever since I had first laid my eyes on him. I was getting handfuls of those wonderful, large muscles, so incredibly warm and strong underneath my arms. I continued to work up toward his neck, being rewarded with another guttural sound that escaped his lips. I smiled. If I had known that this was going to be such fun, I would have definitively suggested it earlier! I peeked around his shoulder, but his eyes were closed, confirming my suspicion. I started to work back toward his shoulders, inching upwards as my hands were enjoying the feel of his warm body. I leaned back for a second, admiring my view. God, he had such wide shoulders! Only when I was this close, did I realize how wide his back is. I got closer to him again, close enough to feel the heat emanating from him.

"My hunk," I smiled to myself, as I reached over, advancing my hands farther down his biceps. Nicki quietly groaned again, leaning his head back to me. My heart accelerated almost in an instant.

Didn't he realize that when he growled like that he sent something visceral, something primordial down to my very core? It was almost as though my inner self was a finely tuned instrument, reverberating in tune without even being touched, as some other instrument was playing the same note, making me tremble. My hands hesitated on his biceps for a brief moment; I was unsure of my feelings and my control over them at that moment.

Nicki turned around, locking his deep eyes onto mine. I could see that his chest was rising, in a slow but powerful rhythm. There was just a lot of energy coming from him, but in a deliberate, non-violent manner that was flowing into me, rising the temperature of my core. He leaned in, me, pushing me very gently down on the couch. I could only keep up with his slow, small kisses that he was placing on my lips. My breathing became rapid. He was so slow and gentle that I did not have any chance to think or to realize where this might be heading.

Hayden moved his lips a little further away from mine, grazing the skin on my chin, and then he moved his mouth very slowly, leaving a trace of feather - light touches of his lips onto the ridge of my jaw, making its way to my ear. I felt his fiery breath on my earlobe, making my teeth chatter involuntarily. His right hand was gently holding my head, while he continued to trace a pathway of slow, deliberate kisses down my neck. I bit my lip, as his breath continued to set my skin ablaze. My own breathing became rapid and deep, as I placed my hands on his shoulders, while he was slowly moving down, now kissing the nape of my neck. I started to shake. Even though his lips were barely touching my skin, it felt as if they were leaving burning marks behind, as they were moving on, just barely moving, lower and lower down toward my collar bone. His left hand moved from my hip, rolling my shirt up just a bit with his fingers, just enough for them to touch my skin. I almost flinched at that touch, as if I thought, foolishly, that it was going to harm me. But I knew that no harm could come to me from Hayden, not now, not ever. He was still ever so careful with me, still barely brushing over my skin with his velvety lips, and with the tips of his fingers. It was I who was making myself feeling as if I was about to have a breakdown.

This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for so long, the moment I was running away from, and yet at the same time I yearned for it to happen as quickly as it possibly could. This was it.

(Haydens point of view)

Matt craned his head back a little more, allowing me to place another kiss on his neck. I moved slowly, just exploring his skin. His scent was intoxicating to me, rising in my nostrils, making me inhale deeply, that sweet scent of his body that was making me dreamily dizzy and yet so in tune with him at the same time, as I was breathing onto his neck. He started to breathe heavily himself, placing his hands on my shoulders, encouraging me to go on, a little deeper into that whirlpool of sensations that were coming at me at such a rushing pace that I had to slow down, slow down to almost a standstill, with my mouth grazing his skin. I closed my eyes so I could get it all in me, so I could enjoy every moment, and every second of those wonderful sensations that were flooding my senses.

I wanted him.

I was rock hard, straining painfully in my jeans, as my body was almost begging for this to happen. I moved my hand and lifted his shirt, just enough for my fingers to touch his bare skin. The touch provoked a gasp from him, and he dug his fingers into my shoulders. My heart was beating hard now in my chest, and my breathing became rapid as I moved more on top of him, taking more of his body in my hands and pressing my lips into his neck, even more aggressively. Something in the background of my mind was telling me something, but I was too preoccupied, ignoring that little annoying chant, as I wanted more from this moment. I reached with my hand under his shirt, placing my whole hand on his flank. His body heat was radiating through the palm of my hand, making it an incredible sensation of being connected to him. The voice in my head was closer, still repeating its muffled admonitions, but I was too immersed in the sensation of how hot his skin felt on mine, how hard my heart was thumping in my chest, urging me forward, how his...

The voice came to the foreground of my mind, making me realize that there was a significant change in the air, that things were not as they have been not even a minute ago.

Matt's body turned to the stone underneath me. I opened my eyes, still breathing coarsely, but something was very different. I lifted myself slightly from him, my hand still resting on his side.

Matt was lying down extremely still, almost rigid, his head still craned backward, his eyes firmly shut. And his hands were still clutching my shoulders, very firmly, almost as...

Almost as if he was trying to push me away from him.

All the fervor evaporated from me in one single whiff of air, as if someone had blown onto a lit candle. I pulled myself from him and upwards, seeking his eyes that were still closed. I realized that he was holding his breath, just laying there. I pulled my hand from underneath his shirt and touched his face, stroking his hair gently. He opened his eyes, still not looking at me. My mind went mad in a furry of questions and explanations that were jammed in my throat.

(Matt's point of view)

"Matt."

His gentle voice made me open my eyes, but I still couldn't look at him. His hand extended to my chin, grazing it again, but this time the touch was completely different from that of his lips, just minutes ago. This was a careful and concerned touch, a touch belonging to someone who cared too much for me, and who demanded me to look at him. I couldn't deny that request. My restless eyes met his.

"I – I need to tell you something," I stammered, barely able to look at him.

He cocked his head, not saying anything. It became even harder to breathe. I pressed on:

"I...I am not really...experienced in this stuff," I uttered.

He continued to look at me, his eyes dark and unreadable, and yet...He looked at me as I hadn't told him anything that he hadn't already known. I swallowed hard:

"What I mean is that I – I never did...any of this before in my life," I managed to hiss through my constricted throat.

In a split second, his face fell. A sharp pain shot through me, as if someone had pierced me with a knife. I could see the disbelief and shock on his face.

"Wait. You have...never?" he looked at me, his eyes wide, as if he was questioning whether he had just heard was really what I had just told him.

I swallowed hard, and slowly nodded, looking away. I was too embarrassed to look at him. This was the moment that I had been dreading, the moment when I would realize that I could not hide my inexperience anymore, and that I could not give to him what he was expecting from me. I felt unworthy, ashamed, but most of all, I felt...

Scared.

This is what I feared, not being good enough for him. Not being what he expected from me at this moment, not being anything more than a frightened, inexperienced boy who cowardly shriveled underneath the expectations that this moment had placed on him.

Hayden sighed, and ran his hand through his hair unconsciously, in an obvious display of confusion. That made me feel even worse, and I shied my head away from him. I just wanted to disappear. Tears started to well in my eyes. I felt hopeless, I felt inadequate. For the first time in my life, I whished that I had been with someone before, just so I could be good enough for him, so that this awkward moment would never have happened. The choking sensation in my throat amplified even more, as my breathing became wheezy, breaking the nearly palpable silence. My mind was swirling with thoughts, as if they were trying to find an exit out of the beehive that my head was right now. I shut my eyes, firmly, trying to fight with the emotions that were choking me. Seconds later, I felt a light rustle as he moved, and then a hand on my chin, forcing me gently to look up. His eyes were resting on mine, dark as coal and calm.

"It's okay."

His voice, husky and composed as always, came over me as a gentle wave, drawing my eyes to him. Nicki smiled at me and brushed my hair away from my eyes. That was all he said, but unlike usually, that didn't do anything for the extreme nervousness that was still surging from me.

"Nicki..I –" I stuttered, not knowing what to say. Even if I could force something out of my brain, my lungs were locked as I was still holding my breath.

"It's okay," he repeated, his hand not leaving my cheek, and his eyes not leaving mine. "You are not ready."

(Hayden's point of view)

I slammed my hand on the kitchen counter so hard that I could hear the rattling of the dishes in the cabinet underneath it. That helped absolutely nothing. I was still fuming inside.

"Hayden, you are such an idiot," I hissed at myself.

I leaned on the counter, looking at the dissected dinner in front of me. I had managed to salvage about half of the lasagna from the crisped dish. Neither Matt or I were hungry after what had happened tonight. We were just lying down on the couch, trying too hard not to feel awkward when the smoke, which came from the kitchen, sent us both running towards the stove. The charcoaled dish resembled anything but our dinner. I dug out inner part and split it in halves, but then we both realized that we were not hungry at all. Matt excused himself as I clumsily kissed him goodbye. We both knew it was better that way.

I was still picking absent mindedly at the crisped remains, in a strange state of shock, almost disbelief.

Matt had not had anyone before in his life.

That was still echoing frantically in my head. That explained a lot from his side; the nervousness, the avoidance to stay overnight, the...

The avoidance to stay overnight.

I punched the counter one more time. He was in such turmoil over the whole deal, and I had pushed him, more than once. And than, one time too many.

"And you didn't even bother to ask him," I angrily grumbled to myself.

There were so many things that I was feeling ashamed and guilty about that it almost made me punch a hole in the counter for real. I had never discussed anything about sex with Matt. I had just assumed that he wanted it, that he had experience, that he would be okay with it.

No.

I almost felt as if I had raped him. In a sense I had, mentally. Forcing someone to do something that they are not prepared or willing to do – is there a better choice of words? And he was definitively not prepared for it, I could see it in his eyes. In fact, it was there all of the time, I was just too insensitive to see it.

My hands gripped the edge of the counter in helpless rage. What I had seen tonight in Matt's eyes was more than his usual anxiety.

It was fear.

I sighed again, and started to clean the kitchen. In light of having finally found the answer to his apprehension, I guess I should have felt better, but – whom was I kidding? The damage was done, and it was beyond repairable. I was wrong, I was so wrong. Matt had never been abused, nor had he had a traumatic experience, as I was guessing.

That is, until tonight.

By me.

I growled angrily out loud in my empty kitchen. I was not even sure how to approach him about this anymore. I didn't know anyone anonymous enough that I could ask for advice. Family and friends, including Matt's, were off limits.

"Especially his," I snarled at echo of reason in my head.

My cell phone chimed, letting me know that I had a message.

"Home ok. Thank you for the dinner. Not hungry now but I'll eat it tomorrow."

I clenched the phone in my hand. Not a word about what had happened. Which meant that he was going to attempt to shove it under the carpet.

"Just like a typical rape victim," a chill went through my head. My phone chimed again in my hand:

"And sorry about...tonight."

I started typing back, even before I could think it through.

End of ch 19

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