Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males are illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests at raspucin70@yahoo.com. Copyright 2006
RIP TIDE
Chapter Eight: Confusions (Hayden's point of view)
"Look, Courtney, he's doing it again!" I heard distant voice.
Then out of nowhere, a hand slapped my forearm that I used to prop my head while I was gazing through the lunchroom window, completely adrift with my thoughts. My head almost hit the table. Surprised and pissed, I looked across the table at Scott, who was laughing his lungs out. Obviously he found this very amusing. I glanced at Courtney, who was smiling at me, with compassion. Embarrassed, I smiled shyly back at her. I realized what happened. I was daydreaming, and Scott didn't waste any time to stab me. That was totally in Scott's character and I couldn't get mad at him. I was mad at myself for not keeping my own brain in control.
"Sorry...I dozed off," I mumbled.
"Yeah, straight into the Never-never Land, Peter!" exclaimed Scott, dunking his tortilla chip into sauce. "So, are you gonna tell us what was it about? Or to be more precise, who is it about? That redhead that I saw you with at your Communication class? Fess-up, boy, before it's too late!"
He was getting better of me this time. There was no redhead girl in my Communication class. He was just trying to undermine me in front of Courtney; he knew that Courtney and I are getting close. I guess he was jealous. Well, I knew that I better not ignore the whole thing before he gets any more ideas.
"You got me punk...she is true hottie. To bad she is into dumbass jocks like you - I don't stand a chance! I hear that she just dumped Josh McFarland, so there is your chance!"
Scott's mouth hung open for a second, than he realized that I am pulling a fast one on him.
"Phew dude...for a moment I thought that there is really a redhead in your class! Knock it off!" He stuffed his mouth with Doritos and jumped from the table. " I gotta split man - I have to go see my English tutor before he takes off for the day. See ya!"
With that, he left the table. Courtney and I sat there for few moments in silence. I was absentmindedly stirring my coffee.
"You are seeing some redhead?" I hear Courtney say.
My eyes snapped at her: She couldn't be serious! But the moment I saw her eyes, I knew that she was joking. I sighed in relief. Last thing I needed was some jealousy scene over non-existing redhead and my not-so-much-girlfriend. Luckily, I underestimated Courtney's intelligence. She was smiling, letting me know that everything is cool.
"Huh...for a moment I thought that you were serious."
"T-t-t-t, Hayden, Hayden. You still have to learn a lot about girls," she was shaking her head in mocking disbelief. I had to smile. This girl was definitively something else.
"Or maybe I should be more possessive...maybe that is what you need as a push". Now she was eyeballing me over her milkshake, sipping it through a straw in most innocent way.
I realized that I was not being fair to her. There was no reason not to be honest and open with this girl, or to push her away. She definitively doesn't deserve this.
"No, I don't need a push...its just I am not ready for any kind of relationship right now. Just recently I got over and done with some old shit that I had to deal with, and I need some time"
Courtney looked at me, and then she put down her milkshake. She was looking straight into my eyes now.
"I understand, Hayden. I am not blind or stupid, you know. I would just like for us to stay close, and if opportunity occurs, I don't want to be absent. And sure as hell I don't want some redhead to be there instead." Despite the serious tone in her voice, I couldn't stop the outburst of laughter.
"Oh, Courtney, you kill me..." she was giving me an evil smirk, but I owed her more than just that. I reached over the table and took her hand in mine.
"You are a very special person that I have in my life right now....I definitively don't want to loose you! And I really appreciate you being honest and open - you got more out of me without me telling you one single word than some people that I've known for years! I really like you, and if I was open to relationship right now..." I couldn't find proper words.
Courtney just squeezed my hand in response.
"I know," she said simply. She finished her shake and stood up.
"I have to go too. I'll give you a call later, OK?" She smiled at me. I nodded my head in response.
For some strange reason this last minutes made me feel empty instead of relieved. Why are things getting more and more complicated instead simpler? Courtney just said to me that she is willing to wait until I get things straight in my head. I couldn't ask for more: the only problem is that my mind was far from being level and organized. Far from it. As a matter of fact, it was getting more and more fucked up. I buried my head in my hands again. I had this feeling of being...derailed. It was like being drunk again: the senses were feeding the brain with proper information, but processing was all screwed up. And again, I had that strange feeling in my chest. Gripping, claustrophobic feeling that was not going away. I couldn't even describe to myself what is it, let alone to define it. It was just sitting there, like a piece of stone on my chest. It was disturbing - I am usually good about self-analyzing everything about me to smallest pieces, and this was completely different. And it was totally messing me up.
And there was also something else. The familiar sense of darkness, the same one that followed me through the college, through my drinking days and through all the shit that I was doing to myself several years ago. That was the feeling that I was riding try all my crazy days, when I was partying, drinking a lot and getting into fights. I knew that feeling all too well.
And that was scaring me.
I looked out the window, not even noticing the fall scenery that was unfolding outside. In my head was that evening from two nights ago, when Matt came over to my place. The evening was supposed to be leisured tutoring; instead it was stressful. I have no idea how I managed to get it over with it without saying or doing something stupid. The whole evening I had feeling like Matt was trying to say or do something. >From the moment he showed up on my doorstep, I had to keep myself on the move, so I didn't end up staring at him. Especially staring into his eyes and losing it completely. I showed him around the house, and he kept himself glued to my side. I think he liked my house; but on several occasions he had obvious insecurity breaking his casual composure.
First was when he saw my guitar. He reached out to touch it, but he quickly withdrew his hand, like he was afraid that I would get mad if he touched it. I was looking at him; his lithe body leaned over, studying the guitar with burning curiosity in his eyes. I felt kinda uncomfortable when he asked me if I play. At first, I didn't know what to answer him. Guitar is something that became very personal and private to me. I taught myself to play after my car crash, and sometimes it would be the only thing that would steer me away from sinking into my self-destructive frame of mind. I think that he noticed my uneasiness over that issue, but I was not willing to get into lengthy explanation.
We had another strange moment in my study, when he almost dropped one of my model cars. He looked somewhat absent-minded, and I didn't want to push the subject further, so we returned to kitchen. He looked more relaxed for the rest of the evening, and we got to talk a bit. It seemed that he was somewhat a loner; I touched on the subject of girls, but he went quickly over that. He hinted that he has girlfriend; it was just a half-explanatory comment regarding going to the movies. That would explain his quietness - he is probably missing his girl. That would explain the sudden veil of darkness that I could see in his eyes.
But that didn't help explaining what I was feeling.
After he left, I leaned against the door and slowly let my body slide to the floor, his laughter was still ringing in my ears and I needed to regain my bearings.
I stayed on the floor for almost an hour. I didn't even notice that that time flew by. Matt was definitively moving something in me that I didn't know was there before, and that was disturbing me. Like I had this piece of me inside that I didn't even know it existed, and now it was awaking. I thought that I had myself figured out by now in my life. Apparently that was not the case, since this situation was driving me up the wall. I was afraid that I might do something that I might regret: something spontaneous and unpredictable. That was the part of me that I didn't want to bring back to life. Spontaneous Hayden means trouble. It means drinking and partying. It means hurting everybody around me, including myself. That means bringing out a different Hayden from what I am today, after all the hard work that I did to put that part of my life behind me. That is something that I couldn't let happen...again.
I sighed and snapped from my thoughts. I was still in cafeteria, leaning on the table, which was still covered with leftovers of my meal. I looked at my sandwich and French fries that I barely touched. I wasn't feeling hunger anymore. I gathered my stuff and headed over to my chemistry class.
(Matt's point of view)
I got my results from my second Biology test back. I trembled as I turned the page over to see my score.
I got 96%. Ninety-Six!
I almost screamed in delight. This is awesome! It made me feel proud of myself - all of the sudden Biology was no longer intimidating. I can do this! I totally can!
I couldn't wait for the class to end to call Mary, my neighbor back home. She and I were very close and we still talked a lot, despite the distance. Sometimes I rather talk to her than to my mom about certain things.
When the class finished, I called Mary's cell phone, but I only got her answering service. I closed my phone and mused over something. I knew whom I really wanted to talk to, but do I dare to call Hayden? I was dieing to speak to him - and this would be perfect excuse for a call. I knew that without his help I would never get such a high score on my test. I did felt obligated to make that call. Maybe I would find a way to repay him somehow....Ok, I'm fooling myself: I wanted to see him again. All of this pondering is nothing more than me seeking an excuse good enough to call him. I thumbed through my phone until I found his number. But when it started to ring, I chickened out and hung up. All the courage evaporated from me. I looked around, like that would yield an answer to my dilemma. All of the sudden this perfect excuse seemed minuscule. Last thing he needs is annoying freshmen bothering him. I need a better reason. Like...ummm...muscle cars or -
My phone started ringing. I looked at caller ID and froze. It was Hayden!
I swallowed the huge lump that I suddenly had in my throat and flipped the phone open.
"Hello?"
"Hey, somebody tried to reach me?" His husky voice was giving me goose bumps, even over the phone.
"Hi Hayden... its Matt... yeah, I tried but..." my voice betrayed me.
"Hey man, whatsup! What's going on?" He sounded genuinely pleased to hear from me, which did wonders for my composure.
"I...I got a 96 on my Biology test...just now. I thought that you might want to hear that". The moment I said that, I realized how stupid I sounded. Why should he care about my Biology test results? I could feel the sweat started to form on my back.
"Hey that's great news! I'm so glad for you! Good job Matt, I knew that you could do it!"
I realized that I am grinning from ear to ear. I managed not to stutter anymore.
"Yeah...it was largely thanx to you. I wanted to call you and thank you again" "No problem, man. I am glad that you did well - that is what's most important."
I felt that I need to say something more, but my mind froze yet again.
"Um, yeah. I...I guess I did."
"Cool...Hey, listen, if you need help with something else, just lemme know, Ok?"
"Ok...thanks, Hayden."
"No problem. Talk to you later."
"Ok...Bye."
With that, I closed my phone. To me, it was clearly obvious that last part of our conversation was pure courtesy. Hayden was just being polite. I think that he would still help me if I call him in need of it, but this was far from us becoming friends, or something like that. It was so painfully obvious that I almost felt physical twinge in my stomach.
Why am I doing this to myself? I am building a sand castle. I have to realize that Hayden is being very gracious to offer any kind of socializing with me, let alone three-hour tutoring at his place. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. My dad once gave me very valuable piece of advice: Stand in other people shoes first. It was a broad advice, but it did help me numerous times. In this case, it meant to stop thinking in this frame of mind that was leading me astray.
Hayden was being polite and cordial, trying to help an underclassman, and a freshman, at that. That was it. Just because he spent some time with me, it doesn't automatically mean that he wants to be my friend. So stop making a soap opera out of it.
Yeah, but why I am still trembling after talking to him less than a minute? Why do I still have this picture of him in my head; him leaning on the doorframe at his place, dressed in sleeping pants and t-shirt, hands crossed over his chest, looking so dreamy and desirable?
I sighed.
I needed to talk to somebody about this. I needed a piece of somebody's mind to help me mend mine. I was toying with idea of calling Mom, but I quickly changed my mind. My mom wouldn't understand it. She would probably advise me to go to Hayden and tell him how I feel about him and deal with consequences later. I could almost hear her voice: "And how do you know that he is not gay himself? Did you ask him?" Like it was that easy. This is not a soap opera. My hero is not going to embrace my affection so we can sail away into the sunset. I could risk nothing but bodily harm if I just stroll up to Hayden and just casually blurb in his face "Hey Hayden, I have huge crush on you ever since I saw you across from the coffee shop. Would you go out with me?" Oh yes, that would go soooo smoothly. No, I have to keep my mom away from this.
Hayden gay? Ha, what a joke.
I called Mary at her work, and this time she answered. I knew that she couldn't talk for too long, so we decided that she would call me back when she gets back home that evening. That brought some relief to me. I smiled - it felt like I scheduled a session with my personal psychologist to try to fix this soap opera in my head that wouldn't stop playing over and over in my head.
(Hayden's point of view)
I hung up with Matt. I wish I had more time to talk to him, but driving and cell phones don't go well. Especially if you are driving manual gearshifts. When he called me, I didn't even want to answer, but when I looked at caller ID, I flipped the phone open without even thinking about it. And now I am driving back home, and I cannot even tell which song is playing on the radio. I turned the music off since it was distracting me even more.
I was glad that Matt got high score on his Biology test. I wanted to think that I contributed to it.
Well, I guess I did. He was a sharp boy - no doubt that he would have figured it out himself.
Yes, but than I wouldn't have that chance to have him at my home. To spend almost all evening talking to him, being in his presence, looking at him. Noticing subtle little things that were revealing to me, like hidden treasures. Like every time he would smile, his cheeks would wrinkle in the corner of his mouth in a most sexy fashion. Or the way he would very carefully listen to my explanations, with such seriousness in his eyes that I had hard time concentrating on my own words. And in the next instant that seriousness would disappear completely when he would laugh at my jokes. And how his eyes have so many shades of blue that it became impossible for me to tell which one is more enchanting.
Only when I pulled in front of my house I realized that I drove almost the whole trip here without noticing it. I stayed in the car for another moment.
This has to stop. I cannot go on like this. I cannot let daydreaming run my life. I exhaled sharply, like I wanted to physically remove all this tension. I got out of the car with stern determination to get back to my senses. However, when I closed the house door behind me, the lump lodged in my chest was back.
(Matt's point of view)
My phone rang. I looked at the caller ID - it was Mary. Ok, here we go. I was glad that it wasn't my dad or my mom, since I would have to go with usual pleasantries before getting rid of them. I love them unconditionally, but tonight I need different kind of conversation.
"Hey Mary - thanks for calling me back."
"Hey kid, how's it hanging in that big scary world out there?"
That was our joke - Mary was only few years older than I, but I was still a kid in our phone conversations. She just couldn't let go of the facts that she used to baby-sit me couple of times long time ago. Very long time ago.
"Ah, it's all good, aunt-Mary" At least I could retort. "This college thing is definitively different; I am not sure that I like it yet or not"
"Why? This is supposed to be best time of your life! The parties, drinking, girls...well, guys in your case" She deliberately made that slip.
"Well...that is the thing...I haven't been invited to any parties yet and..."
"Dude, you do not get invited to college parties! When you find out that there is one going down, you just show up! That is the beauty of it!" Then she went into impersonation of my previous sentence" 'Ow, nobody invited me!' You need special invitations?" She started to laugh, and I had to join in.
"Well, I guess you are right about that. Too bad you are not here to advise me on things like that. Like drinking and girls...or in my case, guys" I emphasized her slip, leaving it hanging. There was a brief pause. She caught the message.
"Did you meet someone?"
I sighed. Suddenly, this was hard to explain. It was even hard to put in plain words.
"Well...yes and no. I did meet someone, and that is the problem. I...I think that I am going crazy. I only met him couple times, like in the park on the campus and once we bumped in each other downtown, but it...started something in me. Like I cannot stop thinking about him, and when we are together, I turn into this blabbering idiot. I am going insane. And then he is...and I am..." I stopped, searching for words.
"Wow".
There was a distinctive pause. Mary realized that this was serious. We remain silent for a couple of moments.
She didn't need any more explanation, and I couldn't ramble any more. I mean, I could ramble forever about Hayden, but I think that she got the picture. . "Matt...it seems like you are having a crush on this guy" said Mary, slowly, like she had needed to verify that to herself as well.
I sighed again. "I think I do. I cannot get him out of my head, Mary! He is, like this magnet and I want to be near him all of the time. And more than that! I want to be with him. And to know everything about him. Like, he is into cars and bikes, I know that. And you should see his house! It is so cool, he has..." Mary didn't let me finish.
"You've been to his house?" There was surprise in her voice
I bit my lip. Well, that cat is out of the bag. But does it matter? Mary should now have all the facts. I trust her.
"Yeah...he invited me...to help me with my Biology."
"He invited you?"
"Yes...the second time when we met...no, the third time. He asked me how my studies were going and I told him that I have hard time with my Bio, so he told me that he would help me."
"Hmmm....are you sure that he doesn't have crush on you? How come he didn't meet you in library or somewhere else? And that was after he met you, what, three times?"
I become speechless. Now that she placed things in that perspective, everything made more sense. And at the same time, much less sense. Confusion started to rise in me with alarming rate.
"No, I am pretty positive that he is not..." I spoke slowly, being more and more sure of it." No. I think that it was just easier for him to do it that way. I don't think he likes to hang around the campus. He just doesn't look like the type that would do that." I stopped, trailing into territory that I didn't knew well at all. Really, how well I know Hayden? Even after being to his place, seeing his stuff and all that, I really cannot say that I know him at all. He was more than cordial, but he kept his distance and his privacy. I continued more convinced.
"No, he is straight. I had the same conversation in my head. Just because he helped me once, doesn't mean that he is into me." I finished.
"Yeah, it sounds that that would be more likely. I was just hoping for you, kiddo. I think it would be nice that you finally find someone for yourself."
I sighed, again." Boy, would that be nice" I said, with hint of sarcasm.
"But, I have to warn you. It looks like you are heading towards some murky waters. You have changed a lot of things in your life lately. You are away from home, no friends or parents to lean on or to count on for support. Be careful not to fall into some kind of a rebound, and start to look for affection and support in wrong places. You are too fragile and inexperienced emotionally to recognize the difference. I am telling you because I love you very much, and I don't want you to get hurt." Mary finished.
I had to swallow so I could speak again. She nailed it, right down the line. In one sentence she scanned me inside and out, like I had no skin whatsoever.
"Matt? Are you there?"
"Yeah...sorry. I just realized that you are right. I am just overreacting and seeing things that are not there."
She laughed, and I could sense that it was with good intentions.
"Well I am glad to be at your service, my lord. Anytime that you have questions that might be in line of love matters, don't hesitate to send a message on the arrow."
"Mary?
"Yes, my lord?" she hard time stifling chuckling.
" I hate you."
Now we were both laughing. I felt so much better now. I was so glad that I had this conversation with her, to get me back in check. I was grateful to have her as a friend. We continued punting each other for a while, and than I heard that I have someone else calling me.
"Hey Mary, I gotta put you on hold, it's probably my mom calling me. Hold on." I switched the lines, still laughing.
"Hey, Matt? Its Hayden"
I jumped on my feet. This cannot be happening, it is too surreal. I physically had to look at the phone so my eyes can verify that it was really him calling. With my hand trembling, I got the phone to my ear.
"Hay...Hayden? Um...hello" I stuttered.
" Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, I was driving home, so I didn't wanted to drive and talk at the same time."
"Nnn...no problem. I was just wanted to thank you...about Biology and...stuff and..." I was frantically searching for anything else to say.
"Hey, that's cool. I just hate being short to people." Oh his voice was so...smooth.
"Yeah, I hate that too...impolite." Impolite? What the hell am I talking about?
At that second I realized that I still have Mary on hold. I need to finish with her, so it is not...impolite.
"Hayden? Can I just put you on hold for just a second? I have someone on the other line. Just for a second, ok?" I was almost pleading.
"Ok."
I swapped lines. Before Mary could even open her mouth, I barraged her with chatter. "Mary you wouldn't believe but he is on the other line now and I don't know what to do so I have to get rid of you so I can talk to him so talk to you later so goodbye now. Sorry"
I hung up on her, feeling little guilty, but I knew that she is chuckling on the other side. I owed her big time for this, but right now, I have to dedicate myself to Hayden. I inhaled and tried to sound calm when I responded to him.
"Hey, sorry about that...she is someone who I know a long time, back home"
"Oh." He sounded taken aback.
I cringed inside. Did I say something wrong again? Oh, no, not again. I wouldn't be able to go through that again.
"No problem. I wanted to ask you have you seen 'Pirates of the Caribbean' yet."
"No, I wanted to, but with my move and all, I got busy and...no, I haven't"
"Well, I didn't know if, ...did you met anybody here yet..." he trailed off, leaving me puzzled.
"No, not really. I know couple people from my class, and there is my roommate, but we don't hang out much." Now I was curious.
"Its just I hate going to the movies alone, and tomorrow it is the last time that 'Pirates' is playing, so I thought you might be interested in going."
Huh? "I...I would love to..." I couldn't finish my sentence.
"Cool...I'll give you a call tomorrow. I think the show is at 7 and 9 pm, so we can pick whatever is better for our schedules. Ok?
"Ok...bye."
This was way too much for me. I had to sit back on the bed. My head was spinning. I was still looking at my phone, having hard time comprehending what just happened. No, this cannot be true. Hayden just called me, and invited to...the movies? Ohhh, Mary is going to have a field day with this. I plopped my self on the bed and pressed my forehead with my hands.
"Stay cool. This is not a date. This is not a date. This is NOT a date." I had to repeat to myself so I can make it believable. It didn't work at all. I could only think about one thing: Tomorrow, I am going on a date...no; to hang out with Hayden. Yes, that sounds much more plausible...and safer.
(Hayden's point of view)
What did I just do? I was looking at my phone, totally bewildered. This is precisely the shit that I wanted to avoid. I just didn't know that this could get out of control so easily and quickly. I just wanted to call Matt to apologize for being so short earlier in our conversation. And all of the sudden, now I have to go to see stupid 'Pirates'. Again...
Shit.
I hurled my phone across the couch. Now I was getting pissed at myself. Loosing control is something that hasn't happened to me in a long time, and here I go and do a stupid thing like running my mouth before engaging my brain. What the hell I was thinking? Where did this invitation to the movies come from?
I knew. I had that much analytical power in me to realize that - I wanted to see Matt and my brain founded a way before common sense kicked in. I sighed. My anger was not evaporating, but something else was coming on my emotional horizon. I realized what it was and raised my head with smile on my lips.
I am going to see Matt again. The hell with everything else.
End of chapter eight.
To all of my (in)patient readers, I owe you one big I am sorry for letting you wait for this long on a new chapter. Hopefully you haven't given up on me. Life can take sharp turns from time to time, and I don't want to sit in front of proverbial typewriter tired or/and angry. I accommodated request for chapters to be longer, but consequently that means more delays (Sorry!). Good news is that ch. 9 is almost done.