NOTE: This is a true story. MY story. It's a story about love, sex, friendship and hatred. It's about being gay. If you find it offensive or disagree with the actions depicted within...well, why are you on Nifty?
Names have been altered for privacy purposes.
For criticism, insults and, why not, appreciation, you can contact me at ghostofoldtrafford@yahoo.com
I hope you enjoy.
THE ROAD TO ACCEPTANCE
Chapter II
Adolescence. Harsh even in the best of circumstances. For me...it was hell. The fear instilled in me by that beating kept me from even trying to find someone with whom to experiment. And I longed for it. As boys all around me were starting to enter manhood, I prayed to God no one would catch me staring at them. But to hell with it...THEY LOOKED GOOD!
And then there was high-school. Let me clear something up about myself -- I'm lazy. I'm the Never do today what can be done tomorrow...or a week after that" kind of guy. That, in combination with my utter lack of skill when it came to mathematics and anything related meant that I would focus my studies on philology. Romanian literature, Grammar, History, Latin, English and French...because those always came easier to me, so they suited my lazines just fine. What's important about that, you may ask. Well, I'm getting there, so hold your horses. Such subject matters tend to appeal more to girls than boys(because, obviously, they're not as manly as numbers-crunching), so I wasn't surprised to see that, as soon as the admittance test results were posted, I was only the second boy in a class of 30-odd students. Throughout the rest of the high-school, things weren't much better. There were about 15 girls for every boy -- which, of course, worked out mighty damn well for the horny guys. For me...not so much. Looking at the bright side, fewer boys meant fewer temptations, especially in the locker room, and the less suspicion I arouse, the better.
Just my luck. The one other guy had to be Adonys...Okay, okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but the guy was hot enough to get me hard every time I saw him. And his name started with an A... He was about 170 cm tall in 9th grade. Blond hair, blue eyes and the best body I'd ever seen on a 14-year-old. And straight as an arrow.
Now, we didn't shower after gym, since we didn't have the time before the next course or, if it was the last course of the day, we just headed home after. Not that we sweated all that much. Even though two classes participated in the lesson at the same time, there aren't a lot of activities 5 guys can do together. Well, there are, but not the kind that would go down too well with the teacher...We mostly just kicked around a ball and played some retarded form of basketball. Yeah, yeah, white guys can't jump. I can barely dribble anyway. So, as I was saying...No showers. But we still had to change. And seeing him strip to his boxer-briefs was enough to make me run for the nearest toilet cubicle before I blew my load in my pants. It wasn't long before he did notice me staring. He sort of scowled at me, forcing me to stammer.
W-w-w-what? It's...umm...there's a bruise on your thigh right there. I was curious what happened but didn't feel like prying." Thank God for sports injuries.
Oh, that." He said, grinning. Yeah, I play a lot of football outside school. Me and a few guys I know. We get together at a gym. They have a great turf there. Sometimes...the other guys are a bit more zealous in their tackles than necessary."
I can see that."
He smiled again. God, that smile...
Hey, even though we haven't actually been able to play anything like proper football around here, I saw you handling the ball pretty well. Maybe you can join us sometime. You and I, guy...we're alone in a sea of girls. Not that I'm complaining..." he groped at his package through his shorts as he said that, grinning, and I almost had a seizure. ...but we need to stick together. Becoming friends outside of school might not be a bad idea." He winked.
Sounds like fun. Count me in." I managed to put in, after my heart slowed down a bit.
Oh, we also go swimming there once in a while. Great big pool, you know..." and he walked out of the changing room.
Gulp. Swimming? Well, this should be...interesting.
It was mid-October by the time we actually got around to the swimming part. I'd met all of his friends for a football match the previous week and most of them were enough to make me boil with lust. I blame simple teenage hormones. I was horny as hell 24/7 and every guy between the ages of 12 and 22 looked like sex on legs to me. So, needless to say, I was quite nervous about swimming with these guys. A speedo was definitley out of the question. I may not be hung like a horse, but I doubted they would fail to notice my trobbing hard-on through a speedo. And make no mistake about it...there definitely was a throbbing hard-on once I saw 13 half-naked guys around me. So, speedo and board shorts on top. Should be enough to keep it from being too obvious...It wasn't.
Doing laps in the pool was all fine and well. Actually kept my boner down. But boys will be boys. The horseplay was inevitable. And being touched by them reignited the fire in my loins. Yes, I just used the expression fire in my loins". Moving along...And getting numerous touches in my crotch area...yeah, I'd say at least a few of them noticed. But they didn't say anything, though I did see a few of them snickering. Well, it beats the hell out of them looking cross and taking out the torches and pitchforks. I'll take whatever I can get.
Over the next two years, the relationship between me and my classmate developed into a pretty great friendship. We still did the football and swimming thing as often as we could. We hung around after school...we even picked up smoking together -- since apparently standing around without a cigarette to occupy at least one hand is against the law or something. I even managed to get in control of my hormones after a while, so the number of erections around him and his friends decreased considerably. Jerking off like half a dozen times before every one of our meetings probably helped with that as well...
Anyway, as we were both 16, we started going out to clubs. I already knew he was horny as hell, by virtue of him being a teenage boy and all. But by the Lords of Kobol...this was something else. He'd hit on every woman that crossed his path on the dance floor. This resulted in some rejections, sure, but by then he was over 180cm tall and as good looking as ever. Add a drink or two to the equation(drinking age is 18, but who gives a fuck? If you're 13, you're old enough for a beer. If you're 16, vodka and coke runs through your veins...) and the guy would score more often than Kobe Bryant. Which made me pretty uncomfortable. Sure, my feelings about him weren't gone, even if I was able to control myself. I would have ripped my clothes off in a second if he offered, but as it was never going to happen, I accepted it. And I accepted that he'd pick up girls in front of me. That didn't bother me. What made me uncomfortable was the fact that as he and the group we hung out with kept on picking up girls, I wasn'teven trying. Not that I was incapable of talking to a girl, but...what was the point? Everytime we were on the street or in a club or in school or anywhere with human beings around, he(or another of our friends) would remark on the attractiveness of girls walking by. Particularly, tits and asses. I'd follow their gaze towards the source of their drooling, fake a nod of approval, maybe a grunt, all the while thinking that I'm gayer than Elton John. I honestly could not be attracted by girls. Sure, I could appreciate a fine female form -- She keeps in great shape. Firm ass. Big boobs -- but these things failed to stir any emotion in me. So, again, what was the point of trying to pick up girls, especially in night clubs? They weren't there for the sparkling conversation or to start a serious relationship(I thought I'd be able to keep a relationship going for a while -- until it came time to actually perform in bed, when I feared my lack of arousal would either give me away or start some nasty rumors about my impotency). Some of the guys started eyeing me suspiciously, but I mostly said I'm just not interested in sex at my age. Could I have possibly come up with a more retarded explanation? Probably not. What kind of teenager isn't intersted in it? Okay, maybe I should have gone with the whole religious nut thing. But seeing as I only went to church at Easter, and only if my mom dragged me along, and they all knew that, I had a feeling that I'm saving myself for marriage" wouldn't work.
So, I did what any rational human being would do. I went and got myself a girlfriend. Yes, yes, I just mentioned the drawbacks to that, but I thought about that, okay? I may be lazy, but I ain't stupid. I got myself into a long-distance, non-exclusive relationship. And by long-distance I mean she lived in my grandparents' village and by non-exclusive I mean she was kind of a whore. But hey, I managed to act straight enough to kiss her a few times, get a few pictures of us hiking together...you know, enough to justify to others that I'm not cheating on my girlfriend". And it worked...for half a year. The whole sex thing got in the way in the end. Damn it! Why must sex ruin a perfectly fine fake love affair? Like I said, the girl liked sex and I wasn't able to provide. So, before she got suspicious about the reason, I ended it, saying I was in love with someone else. I told you I was smart. Imaginary girlfriend gets in the way of fake relationship. See? Adolescence sucks!
But recovering from a broken heart" was a good excuse for the rest of the year, including the first half of eleventh grade. But then, the guys started pushing me about getting laid. Ah, peer pressure. Is there anything quite like it? So, one fine Saturday evening, I found myself in a car with A. and his friend, who had turned 18 and gotten his driver's license. Since getting drunk and crashing the car seemed like a poor way to celebrate, he settled on picking up a ready and willing girl. Now, seeing them hitting on girls was, like I said, something I was used to. But having them actually fuck in the car, in front of me...well, it made me as angry as much as it excited me. I was going mad.
I got out of the car. We were a few kilometers out of town, since teenagers having gangbangs in cars like their privacy, so I called a cab. The girl must've been good, because even though both guys stopped when they saw me leaving, none of them got out to stop me.
The next day, there he was. A. My classmate, my friend, my crush since 9th grade. As I entered the classroom, he grabed my arm and pulled me aside.
We need to talk."
Later. We have English right now."
Come on. I feel like skipping this class. We'll go to the library. It's 7 AM and most classes start at 8. I doubt there'll be anyone there. We can have a nice chat."
I was getting a horrible feeling in my gut, but I grunted in acceptance and followed him. He was right about the library. The librarian was dozing off behind her desk, but no one else was there besides her. We sat down at a table out of earshot from her and sat in silence for a minute or two.
So?" he asked.
So what?"
What the fuck was that last night? Just walking away like that? What the fuck's wrong with you? Most people would be grateful that their friends would go to such efforts to get them laid."
Oh, so setting up a gangbang was for my bnefit, was it?"
You wanna die a virgin or something?"
What the fuck is the big deal? I don't wanna sleep with a skank. They just don't do it for me."
Bullshit. You were hard as a rock. Tight jeans kinda give that away..."
Yeah, well..."
Well what? Seriously, man, what the fuck is wrong with you, passing up free pussy like that? I know you're not some religious nut, so what gives?"
What's wrong with me? Wat's wrong with the world? Why are we all obsessed with sex? What's wrong with the world if someone comments on a 17-year-old passing on the occasion as though he were gonna die a virgin?"
Oh, that's nice and well. Kinda deep, too. But it's crap and you know it. Like I said, you were close to poking someone's eye out with your dick, so oviously you're just as big of a sex-obsessed savage as the rest of us. Listen, I'm your friend. If you're seeing someone in private, someone you don't want me to know about and my insistance on you getting laid is bugging you, just tell me. I'll back off."
No, it's not that. Look, just leave it alone, okay? It's better for both of us."
Fine! But just know that sooner or later, someone's gonna call you a fag for passing up on free pussy."
I flinched. He caught it and his eyes widened. He just sat there, open-mouthed, for a few seconds. I was scared shitless. And the damn clock sitting on the wall, a good 5 meters away, sounded like a bomb blast with each tick.
You...you were hard because of us. The guys, I mean..."
No, listen..."
You're a goddamn fag!"
I cringed. I felt tears swelling up and heard my neighbor's voice in my head. Fag! Freak!
Listen, please..." Fag! Freak! And my neighbor's fist coming towards my face. No, it was A.'s fist. Pain grabbed me. God,not the face again! He drove his fist into my stomach next and I was down in a fetal position, as he kicked me in the side, for good measure. At least it's not the face.
You goddamn faggot! All this time. You were sizing me up. Staring at me. I bet seeing me fuck that girl made you mad. Fuck! You probably went home and jerked off thinking about my cock!" I hadn't. I was too upset about seeing him fuck a girl to jerk off. But I would have done it sooner or later. He was right about that.
He drew back his foot again, aiming it at my head, but the librarian shouted at him before he could kick me straight into a coma.
You hooligan! Stop that!" Well, her timing wasn't perfect -- I could have done without the first kick, but at least she didn't sleep through the whole thing. Though, I wonder how she would have reacted had she simply found my limp body on the floor. I suppose that would at least have woken her up in a more effective manner than a cup of coffee. But, like I said, I'll take what I can get. A. shot a look over his shoulder towards her, then stormed out. As I was lying there, I couldn't help but feel that being gay doesn't really come with the high spirit the name implies.