When I got home, my mother was sitting at the kitchen table, nervously playing with her fingers. As she heard me walk in, she looked up, looking almost thankful to have an interruption of her thoughts.
"Rory," she said.
I put my stuff down & made my way over to the fridge. I got a soda & sat down at the table across from her.
She took a second to collect her thoughts & then spoke after a moment of hesitation.
"Rory...I'm so sorry."
"For what," I answered rather abruptly.
"Everything."
"Everything being..." I wanted to hear her say it.
"Not being there for you growing up."
"Ah, that."
"I wasn't fit to take care of you."
"Well of course you weren't," I sneered. I pulled out a cigarette & a lighter from my pocket. I lit up & inhaled.
"It's not that I didn't WANT to, it's that -"
"Listen," I cut her off, "you're gonna take the blame for the smell of cigarette smoke, got it?" I said. She looked at me, confused. "Ray doesn't let me smoke in the house. So if he smells smoke later, you're gonna say it was you. Got it?"
She didn't respond. I leaned forward in my chair.
"I said you got it?" I said again, with a bit more pep.
She nodded.
"Good. Now what were you saying?"
"I was -"
"Oh right, you were saying how due to the circumstances of you being too busy on your back & on your knees, you weren't 'fit' to care for a baby."
"Rory, please..."
"Please what? Try to understand?" I snapped. "Try to see things your way? Oh I see things your way a lot. And if by your way, I mean on my back a lot, then yeah, I do."
She seemed startled by what I had implied. But I didn't care.
"You had nine months to think about what to do while you were pregnant with me. And you decided to keep being a whore & drug addict instead of being an actual mother. Instead, you tossed me over to that monster you call a brother."
"Rory...it just wasn't the right time for me to raise a child."
"What WOULD HAVE BEEN the right time?" I said angrily. "When you woke up one morning, realized you'd grown too ugly to keep up the business & then figured 'oh, well I can raise a kid now'?"
"I was barely making ends meet. That was the only thing I could do to make money. I never went to college, I didn't have any skills. And because that was all I could do with myself, I couldn't possibly raise a kid," she struggled to convince me.
"Then you should have done a better job keeping yourself NOT knocked up," I quipped.
"That was -"
"An accident?" I laughed. "Go on, say it."
"Rory, please..." she began to tear up.
"I was either a mistake or you MEANT to have me & drop me off with Ray," I said. "Do you have ANY idea what it was like to grow up with him?" She looked down. "It was AWFUL. Do you know what it's like to hurt so badly & every time you want the pain to go away by having someone there to comfort you, they turn you away & tell you to grow a pair? Bet not. It would have been nice to grow up with a mother ya know, instead of some sadistic prick who's only enjoyment around the house is to punish me when I don't get him his beer quick enough."
"I know, and I'm SORRY. And that's why I really wanna try to make things right."
"How," I breathed a stream of light blue smoke in her face.
"Well, I have some money now & I figure I can help you with going to a college after you graduate."
"And what if I don't have plans for college?"
"What do you mean? You mean you don't plan on going to college?"
"I believe I asked you a question first," I answered.
"Well...then I'd still be around for anything you need."
"You mean like, if I wanna 'talk'?" I chuckled.
"Rory, can't you at least make an EFFORT to give me a chance?"
"No!" I shouted, standing up. Scaring her, I angrily point a finger at her. "Don't you DARE waltz back into my life & ask me to do SHIT for you, got it?! I needed you growing up. But guess what, I don't anymore. Because of YOU, I've been spit on, kicked, punched, whipped, choked, laughed at, pushed & shoved around since I was born. And this isn't like last time I saw you, when you PROMISED to stick around for good & then I became upset after you broke that promise. No, no this time I don't care if you stay in this house. All I care about is that you stay out of my life." I threw my cigarette at her face, hot flecks scattering all over her.
I began to storm off.
"Rory!" she cried. "Things WILL change, I promise! You might wanna keep shutting me out, but I'm gonna keep reaching out."
I ignored her as I headed to my room.
As soon as I slammed my door shut, I looked down to see the front of my pants had a tiny wet spot. I groaned as I rubbed my hand against my bulge. I walked over to my bed & sat on the edge, vigorously rubbing myself as I felt my boxers become wetter with precum dribbling out. Stopping, I angrily pounded my mattress.
I needed to get out of here.
I watched the cars zoom by as I sat underneath the overpass. I took out a cigarette & lit up. I breathed out with some relief. Sometimes when I was stressed out, I would come here & just watch the cars go by. It was relaxing. Watching hundreds of thousands of lives move by you at 60 miles an hour. And as they got closer, you could see through the windshield just what kind of day they'd be having. The family heading on a vacation or to see more family, the man in suit headed to work on his cell phone, the truck driver ready to go cross country with his goods, the group of friends going out to have a nice day. It was just simple to me.
I really didn't want my mother around. She was a burden & I didn't like the house having this fuller feeling to it. I didn't know her. I didn't WANT to know her. College. Ha. Like a former prostitute could pay for a college. And why would she assume I'd even WANT to go to a college?
I guess I would just have to see how things would roll out now that she was around. Not that she would stay long though. I was sure that after a while of picking up on my subtle vibes, she would get the hint & leave.
I sat underneath the overpass smoking for about an hour. I must have been a pest to SOMEONE because after a while, I heard a noise some feet away from me. Looking over, I saw a police officer standing there.
"Hey kid, you can't be under here, all right? You gotta move on," he said.
I put my cigarette out.
"Move on huh?"
"Yup."
I stood up.
"You got it."
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