Disclaimer: So... we meet again. Before we get started, there are some things we're gonia have to go over first. (sigh) Alright, for starters, if you're under 18, you're not supposed to be in here. But, if you're under 18 and are here anyway, odds are you already know that. And I'm sure you have enough people telling you what to do, so I'm not gonna tell you to get lost. Just, try not to get caught, okay? It'll make things easier for everyone, especially you. And if you're one of those homophobic bastards who gets physically ill at the idea of two guys in love, I feel sorry for you, and would suggest that you leave. Everybody else, just sit back and enjoy!
Running Scared Chapter Six By Brennan Jobse
I am so bored... Maybe if I draw something... There. A boat full of French guys... Oh, no. It sank. Boo hoo... If they didn't make it to Canada, maybe I wouldn't have to take this stupid class... Why am I even here?... I don't need to know French, I get along perfectly fine using English... I WANT OUT OF HERE...
There I sat, in that god-awful French class, trying really hard to unglaze my eyes and look like I was paying attention, which wasn't working as well as I'd hoped it would. I hated French. I didn't understand it at all, which confused me in itself because my mom was from Quebec. How come she didn't teach it to me when I was young and impressionable??
I sighed to myself and tapped my pencil on my desk. Mr. Lafontaine was saying something about the history of France. This is soooo boring, I thought to myself. I shook my head to clear it. Even my thoughts sounded whiny. I had to get out of there.
"Monsieur Ghallager," came Mr. Lafontaine's sharp voice. "Are you paying attention?" His voice always had this accent that I was sure was at least a little bit fake and I stifled a snicker.
"Yes, Mr. Lafontaine."
"Good. Then perhaps you can tell me what I just said."
Fuck. What the hell was he saying? Something about France. Important things in France... Important places. Paris, maybe?
"Well, Monsieur Ghallager?" I've always had this theory that Mr. Lafontaine's had it in for me ever since he learned I was half-French. I guess in his eyes I was a failure because I didn't know "le" from "la", even with my blood. This just confirmed my suspicions.
"Uh, Paris?" I said tentatively. It was worth a shot.
Mr. Lafontaine narrowed his beady little eyes at me. Wrong answer. "I would, if I were you, pay more attention in the future instead of doodling, hmm?"
I nodded and tried to focus on what he was saying for the rest of the period. It wasn't easy. My eyes kept wandering from the clock, to Miles Turman (who was looking pretty cute right now), and back to the clock again. The bell for lunch couldn't ring soon enough and as soon as I heard it, I leapt to my feet and darted out of there like the place was on fire. I was free!
I went down to the cafeteria and quickly found Aaron and Austin sitting at a table. I made my way through the bustling bodies and claimed a seat at the table before anyone could snatch it from me. Satisfied that I would be able to sit for a while, I put my head down on the cold table with a loud thump.
"What's wrong with you?" Austin asked with a hint of a smile in his voice.
"French class," I said into the table.
"What about it?"
"It sucks," I said vehemently.
Austin laughed. "Aww, mon pauvre, pauvre bebe. Tu n'es pas parles Francais?"
I lifted my head and gave him a withering look. It was all I could do, seeing as I had no idea what he just said. I didn't even know he knew ANY French. He smiled and started eating his sandwich. Cheeky bastard. It was then that I saw Aaron and a girl across the table with a huge grins on their faces.
"You must be the infamous Ben," the girl said with a friendly smile.
I looked at her. She was small, tiny even. I couldn't tell because we were sitting down, but I'd say she wasn't more than 5"2, if that, and 110 lbs. She had shoulder length brown hair that was pulled back into a pony tail and green eyes that complimented each other nicely. She was actually quite pretty. I had absolutely no idea who she was. Then it dawned on me.
"Amy?" I asked.
She nodded. "We meet at last. God, Aaron's told me so much about you, I feel like I've known you my whole life."
"Yeah, well, he always did have a tendency to ramble on," I smiled.
"Hey!"
It went on like that for the rest of the lunch hour. I learned that Amy was way into drama, and was being looked at already by some provincial scouts. She seemed to think Austin and I were very interesting, though. More than once I caught her staring intently at the two of us, as if she knew those friendly looks I kept throwing Austin were more than friendly. A horrible thought crept into my mind. Did Aaron tell her? No way. He wouldn't do that. Unless it just slipped out.
"Hey, fag!"
My heart leapt into my throat and for a split second, I thought I had been found out. I whirled around in my chair to see who it was coming from. A bunch of skaters were hassling a kid I had never seen before. He had white blond hair and glasses and he looked absolutely terrified. I didn't blame him. He was about 50 lbs lighter than any of those guys.
One of them pushed him roughly into another one. "Quit looking at me, fag! Little cocksucker! Get the fuck out of my face!"
It was getting bad. The boy was pleading now. I wanted to help him. I did. But I couldn't do it. I was too scared. I'd be labeled a queer myself and if word got back to my dad... I dimly recalled my dad saying something about "that little fag boy who moved to your school a few weeks ago".
A group of teachers came by just then and broke up the fight. The blond boy was being held gently by a girl who had just gotten there and the skater gang was being taken away by the teachers.
I looked back at my friends. Austin looked ill. His face was white and his hands were shaking in his lap. I knew what he was thinking because I was thinking it, too. That could have been either of us. And if it had been, there was every possibility that we would have gotten as much help as the blond boy had gotten.
Aaron looked like he was going to explode. He was shaking, too, but his shakes were from suppressed rage rather than fear. I had never in all my life seen Aaron this angry. Not even when I told him about my dad. I was almost afraid of him.
I wasn't too surprised by their reactions. I had been around them enough to know a little of how they thought and how they reacted to certain situations. But when I looked at Amy, I saw something I wasn't expecting. She looked... sad. She was looking at the blond boy and I thought I saw tears in her eyes. I wondered if she knew the boy.
Slowly, I trudged home after soccer that day. The practice had nearly killed me. Coach Haverland felt like running today and took us up and down the bike paths a few times, which easily took up at least an hour. My legs ached, but it was that good kind of ache that comes with knowing that it had a purpose. And I knew exactly what the purpose of all this was.
Our game against Westington was in three and a half weeks. They were good. Really, really good. If we beat them, we'd earn our title as City Champs and then on to Provincials. Provincial Champs... It was on everybody's mind.
So everybody put up with the practices, the drills, the running, the special diets we were all on now, and yes, even the curfews. They weren't that bad, and it was completely voluntary. Coach Haverland wanted to keep soccer about having fun, even though we knew she wanted it as bad as we did.
I got to my house and ate some supper. Lots of vegetables and almost no red meat. Not until the game was over. My dad had already eaten so I didn't have to talk to him that much. Thank God for small blessings. When I had finished, I went to my room to do my homework. I had a book report due in a few days. I flipped open Brave New World and started to read.
I lost myself in the book so much that I almost didn't hear the pebbles at my window. At first I just thought they were rain. After all, it hadn't rained all day today, so we were due for about a week of it. But after ten minutes of the steady tap, tap, tap, on the window, I got up to see what it was. Austin was standing there with a handful of small rocks he had been tossing at my window.
"What are you doing here?" I checked the time. It was 10:30 and still dusk out. The sun would be going down in a little while.
"Hi to you too," he replied, an indignant smile on his face. "Can I come up?"
"Yeah, I'll go unlock the..." But Austin had already started to climb the drainpipe up to my window. The whole thing felt cliched. How Romeo and Juliet, I thought to myself with a smile. I had a little roof piece just outside my window that was lower than the rest of the roof and I climbed out onto it to give Austin a hand.
"Thanks," he said, grabbing my hand and pulling himself up. We sat on the roof with my back against the house and Austin against my chest. I really did have a great view of the sunset up here. I wondered why I didn't come out here more often.
"So, not that I mind, but what brings you here?" I asked him after a few minutes of silence.
"Couldn't sleep."
Ah, I knew exactly what he was talking about. Ever since that first night, I'd had trouble falling asleep without Austin. You know that feeling you get when you know there's something that you have to do, but can't figure out what it is? That's kind of what it felt like. Like something was missing.
"So what do you want for your birthday?" he asked me, lolling his head back so he could look at me.
"My birthday?" I had completely forgotten.
"Yeah, you know, the day you were born."
"I forgot all about it. Shit! That means Aaron's birthday is in like..." I did a quick calculation in my head. "Two weeks!"
"Very good, kimosabe. But you still haven't answered my question. What do you want?"
"I dunno. Nothing. I got everything I need," I said with a smile. I don't think he picked up on the hint.
He scoffed. "It's your birthday. Your SIXTEENTH birthday. You've gotta want something."
"I want you," I told him.
He scoffed at that, too. "You already have me. C'mon, what do you want?"
I was a little surprised I had said that. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. I didn't want anything. Okay, well, maybe a better relationship with my dad, but Austin couldn't very well give me that. Besides, I was happy. Really, truly happy. I loved being with Austin. He made me feel good, and it didn't have to be sex. I felt good now, just sitting with him. And I couldn't imagine not being with him, no more than I could imagine not breathing air. For the first time, I wondered what that meant. Did I love Austin?
"Surprise me," I said finally. He resigned himself to that and leaned back into me. I rested my chin on the top of his head and we watched the sun go down. It was incredible. Lower and lower it sank, until it was just below the horizon, illuminating the clouds in the distance in brilliant shades of pink, purple, and orange. Yeah, I really didn't know why I didn't come out here more often.
I felt Austin shift, a little uncomfortably it seemed, in my arms. "Hey," I said, lifting my chin off of his head and taking his hands in mine from behind him. "You okay?"
"Yeah," he said absently, staring off into the sky.
"You sure?" I asked him, deciding to push it a little further. "You weren't looking too hot today at lunch." I wasn't sure if that was what was bothering him, but it was the first thing that came to mind. He stayed quiet. Bingo. "Austin?"
He curled up into me and hugged my arms tighter around him. He reminded me of a lost little boy, scared and alone.
"Austin, look at me," I told him. He turned around, but kept his eyes downcast. I ran my hand through his hair and his eyes rose to meet mine. The combination of fear and pain in them put a huge ache in my chest. "I can't stop them from hurting you, Austin. I'd give anything to be able to, but I can't. And I know you're scared. I'm scared, too. But I'll be here, always, whenever you need me." I had to stop. My voice was on the verge of cracking with emotion.
"Promise?" His eyes were shining with unshed tears and I realized just how human Austin really was. I had put him up on this pedestal in my mind. And it was so high that subconsciously, I had really believed that things like fear just couldn't touch him. And now here we were.
"Promise," I said, and kissed his forehead lightly. He closed his eyes and I saw a single solitary tear slide down his face in the rapidly departing light. He sniffled and cuddled up in a ball against my chest again.
We sat there watching the moon come out and the last of the sun's rays die away. Austin's breathing was now deep and regular and it sounded like he had fallen asleep. For a second, I considered staying out there all night. It was a glorious prospect. Waking up in the early morning sun with this beautiful boy in my arms. But it was far too risky. If my dad found us out here... I shuddered to think what might happen to us, to Austin.
"Austin," I whispered, shaking him a little. "Austin, wake up."
He shifted and groaned sleepily. "What?"
"Time to go," I said reluctantly. He sighed and I whole-heartedly agreed with him. I didn't want him to go either. He got up, stretched, and shimmied down the drainpipe to the ground.
"Night," he called quietly.
"Night." I started to go back to my window when I heard him call me again.
"Hey, Ben?"
"Yeah?"
"Uh, thanks." He was kicking at the ground with his shoe and looked either embarrassed or uncomfortable. Maybe both. He looked up at me. "For everything."
I smiled and blew him a kiss. To my relief, he smiled back. A full out Austin smile, the one where his teeth showed just a little bit. God, I loved that smile. He waved and was off down the street back home.
When I tried to go to sleep that night, however, I was troubled. Austin seemed like he was better, but was he really? And I hadn't really known him that long. Maybe he couldn't hack it. Was he having second thoughts? The idea sent a cold feeling through my stomach. No, he's not, I told myself. Austin liked me. He had to, especially since I loved him so much...
My eyes had steadily been drooping more and more, but when that thought entered my mind I sat up with a start. What the hell?!? Why did I think that? I didn't love Austin. I couldn't. I wasn't even 16 yet! How was I supposed to know what love felt like? Sure, I got that weird fluttery feeling every time I saw him, but he was my first boyfriend! That happened to everybody! Didn't it?
"Fuck," I muttered to myself in frustration. "Stop thinking like that. If you don't things are gonna get complicated and you're gonna fuck it up royally." I forced the thoughts out of my head and fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep.
Brennan's Ramblings: Well, there you have it, folks. I punched one more out before my camping trip. See how much I love you guys? :) Thanks Sasha, for reading this and putting my mind at ease. And thank you times infinity to the countless people who wrote me. You guys are the reason I keep writing. Anyway, I don't really have a hell of a lot to say, so I guess I'll sign off. Email me at bjobse414@hotmail.com
The Recs: Okay, today I'm reccomending a finished story called If I Let You Go. It's in the Gay College Section of Nifty and was last posted on April 25, 2001. It's shorter than the other stories I've recommended and there's not as much sex (sorry guys), but it's great. Real 'on the edge of your seat' kind of stuff. Enjoy!