Geez, time flies when you're trying to do eight trillion nine hundred and eleven thousand six hundred and forty things in one week. I apologize for the wait on this one. If anyone is the impatient type (like some of the great emails I have received) then I can always send you this story section by section as soon as they're typed up. But if that's not your style, then I am afraid we'll all have to wait together until its sent to the archive! Oh well... I hope that is acceptable. I trust you are all well, so I will press on. This continuing epic is fictional and should be treated as such. No leprechauns, unicorns, goblins or Eskimos were harmed in the writing of this piece.
Running Thoughts Part Eleven: "Back To Before"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------------------- LECTURE #1
The whole point of being in a committed relationship is to abandon the concept of individualism and adopt the role of codependents. If you've been with someone long enough to know that you love them (however long that may be), you must be able to concern yourself for their welfare and feelings. No matter how many arguments may develop through the course of being together, true love can withstand any and all hardships so long as you remain strong and you can keep what's important in mind.
Two people must be able to act as one if they wish to accomplish happiness as a couple. Both of their needs have to be examined and accepted. No one person can be superior to the other. They can only peacefully coexist if they stop thinking in terms of "me" and start thinking in terms of "us". Only then can petty bickering halt and loving understanding begin.
The idea of soul mates can be addressed in terms of lovers. Some people hit each other so well that a bond is instantly formed between them. Whether it be for life or for a few years, soul mates influence each other in a variety of ways. They can eventually drift apart (Or not even see they are soul mates) if there is pain, doubt, fear or trauma in their way. This judgment is difficult for both parties- but it could turn out to be a mistake. You will only know if that person is your true soul mate if you wind up together again. What will be, will be.
Destiny is of major concern as far as commitment goes. It is a very big step. Cutting yourself off from any other person as far as flirting, sexual relations, and dating is concerned is nothing to sneeze at. If you're not ready for it, you should never take it on. Pain is the only outcome that can arise if you tell someone they have your heart and then you take it back. Be wary of your life choices and try not to do anything that you will regret. For those will always haunt you.
Preachy enough? :)
Howie pulled up his light blue jeans and zipped them up. He sat down on the edge of the bed and reached into his suitcase for a pair of socks. There came a knock on his door. He knew it was Brian. He knew he'd have to answer it. But he took his time pulling on his socks.
After a pause, Howie stood up and walked over to the doorway. He unlatched the top part and let Brian inside.
"You're going out, right?" Brian asked.
"I told you I was."
"I just wanted to see if you were all right. I can never tell if you're happy or just faking it on the stage..." Brian tried not to move too far into the room. If he did, he'd never leave.
"I need some time alone- then we'll see if I'm happy."
"And you need your own room to do that in?" Brian whispered, a little suspicion in his voice. The managers of their tour had often gotten them separate rooms to stay in. Howie and Brian would always stay in one together and alternate between the rooms to dissuade lingering doubt. But this time, Howie had chosen to stay in one by himself and leave Brian on his own in the other.
"Look, if I need time alone, that means I can't spend it with you. Not even while I sleep." Howie didn't want to sound uncaring, but it was all getting a little overwhelming for him. He knew he wanted to get into a relationship with Brian over a year ago. He knew it was magic between them. But were they too young to move so fast?
"I'll miss you." Brian's voice was subdued.
"I've gotta get ready..." Howie fished through his luggage for a matching blue shirt and tried his best to be quiet. There was no reason to do so, but he felt his hands slow down and his actions become cautious. Brian's presence there was making him nervous. "Why don't you go back to your room and go to bed or something." His voice was anxious and disconnected.
"Are you trying to get rid of me now?" Brian wished he could just see inside Howie's head and figure out what was going on. He didn't want to appear angry but he was certainly hurting inside.
"I'm not going to explain it again!" Howie tied his blue sneakers and grabbed his brown jacket. "You can stay in the hotel or you can go out... We had a great concert. Be happy about that." he leaned down reluctantly and gave Brian a peck on the cheek.
"Don't leave me alone." Brian said in a soft voice. But the door was already closed and Howie had already responded by leaving.
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By two in the morning, there was barely any sign at all that there had been a concert at Madison Square Garden. The fans had dispersed, the steady beat of the music had faded away and the streets were empty of activity. A few of the guys had yet to move from their spots in the dressing room. There was no real point to leave. They had the post show energy surging through them but no ambition to go anywhere.
Kevin laid back on the cool floor and closed his eyes. He was very relieved that it was all over. There was a lot less pressure between the boys now. His only worry now was AJ. He had not dreamt about him in a day or so- but the thoughts never left him. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel but he knew he had to get it all off of his chest- one way or another.
With great similarity, Lance was going through a comparable situation regarding Nick. He had no intention of talking to him about it though. Lance and Nick hardly knew each other. Besides, it was quite obvious to everyone that Nick and Justin were hitting it off well. They both deserved to be happy so no one was going to get in the way of that- especially not if a dream was the only inspiration for such a coup. In the meantime, Lance had that mysterious woman to ponder over. What did her message mean? He would have plenty of time to consider possibilities. *NSync was taking a break from their tour for two weeks. He was going back home to Mississippi for a little R and R. Maybe his time alone would do him some good.
Nick walked across the darkened stage and put his hands in his pockets. He was quite worried over what was going to happen after this night was over. *NSync had been scheduled to appear here on Friday and Saturday. The BSB were scheduled for Saturday and Sunday. Nick was grateful for the mix up but he wasn't looking forward to working the next day without Justin at his side.
Maybe he was growing too attached- but he didn't care. Justin and himself fit into a groove together that seemed nearly impossible. It felt so right... having to say goodbye so soon wasn't going to be easy. He started to sing to himself. It was a melody from a play he had been in during high school, called The Phantom Of The Opera. He had played the title role.
"Wandering child, so lost, so helpless- yearning for my guidance. Angel or father, friend or phantom- who is it there staring? Too long you've wandered in winter- far from my far-reaching gaze. Wildly my mind beats again. You resist yet your soul obeys!" He took in a breath and turned around. Justin was standing behind him.
"That's beautiful." he said. Nick was very embarrassed and immediately stuttered.
"I thought I was alone."
"Never think like that." Justin walked over towards Nick in the dim light. "Are you up for going to get some food?"
"I don't know what's still open."
"We'll wander the city til we find something." Justin whispered as he stood right in front of Nick. They felt each other's breath right on their faces. It was warm and mystic. Nick closed his eyes and felt the corners of his lips curl up into a little grin. He wanted to lean out and push himself against Justin's body. He wanted to feel him. He already knew that Justin's ex was a man- he just didn't know how to bring it back up into conversation without sounding too eager. Without appearing too interested. (Though maybe that was just what he was going to have to do.)
Justin licked his lower lip and stared into the silhouette of Nick's face. It seemed to have a vibrant light of its own. He wished he could caress that face and stare into it forever. There was enough body chemistry between them to know what they were each feeling- but neither were sure if they could act on it. Finally, Justin made the move.
"C'mon. I'm hungry." he said. Nick knew that this wasn't the right moment for them and he nodded.
"Yeah. Me too."
"I'll go tell the rest of the guys that we're leaving..." and Justin slowly walked away. Nick sighed and put his hands into his back pockets. It felt so good to be alone on this gigantic stage. It was a little creepy, too. But he ignored that. The concert had been great for him. Being the youngest member of the group had its advantages. Everyone considered him the baby- and most babies are beloved. At least he didn't let that image go to his head.
He sang from Phantom again, "Angel of music you resist me, turning from true beauty. Angel of music, do not shun me- come to your strange angel."
There was a loud slapping sound as the spotlight was activated and directed towards Nick. He jumped in surprise and shielded his eyes from the intense white light. He saw a figure standing behind the control board. This all seemed very familiar. After he squinted, he saw it was Justin. Standing exactly where Nick had been the first time he head Justin's voice on stage. The scene came exactly out of the dream he kept having- but now there were faces attached to the mystery. It had come true! Nick felt a lump in his throat as he smiled up to Justin.
"Let's go, Phantom! The night won't be young for long."
Nick nodded and took one more look around the stage. He walked towards the steps and laughed to himself about how he had convinced a whole audience to stay away from Ming Chou's Garden restaurant as the curtain dropped...
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"Did you tell them about it?" Joey asked as he adjusted himself in the seat.
"I didn't want anyone to get nervous before the concert." Chris responded.
The limo hit a speedbump and the boys jolted slightly.
"Just be happy that the stalker didn't do anything."
"Yet." Chris added.
The two of them had gotten the majority of the letters delivered to them over the course of the weekend. They had no idea how they were found or what this was leading to but they were certain it was building to something. No one would go through all this trouble for no good reason. Culmination was inevitable.
"We have the Rockefeller Center tree lighting on Wednesday- but after that we're on vacation until that Disney Hawaii trip. Maybe that time off will stop the stalker for a little while."
"And what if they're at the tree lighting?"
"Don't worry about it, Chris. If they like us so much, why would they hurt us?" Joey yawned.
"Some people are just crazy." Chris shrugged.
"Besides, I'm not worried about being hurt. Maybe our stalker will hurt some innocent fans."
"Do you always expect the worst?"
"I'm always prepared."
"Were you a boyscout?" Joey laughed and stared at the mirror on the ceiling to make sure his bright hair was still standing straight up.
"The day you lower your guard is the day you lose your head." Chris said. Joey looked at his friend proudly. He was breaking free of his silent fears. Chris was quite the intellectual spirit and he was finally showing those true colors. Joey had his own vices as well... those that he was aware of anyway. He knew he drank too much but he was young so he justified the act with youthful carelessness. Unfortunately, he never found anything that could take the place of fast drinks and fast chicks. Fulfillment was somewhere- he just didn't know if he should look for it.
"I'm going to fall asleep before we get to the hotel!" Chris laughed softly.
"Its only a few blocks more."
"I know. Wake me when we get there."He laid his head back.
"Will do." Joey answered as he opened the cooler and fished around for a bottle.
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She was sleeping in a matter of minutes. The darkness was so thick that their outlines could barely be seen. AJ sighed and leaned back as she snuggled up next to him. Sally...Cindy...Candy...Mandy. He couldn't remember. He closed his eyes and smiled. The sex was always good with a willing-to-please fan... no matter what you did (or didn't do), they were always ecstatic.
It wasn't hard finding the lucky lady for an evening. They lined up for him and all he had to do was pick the most appealing candidate. Only once had he been refused by a woman. She claimed he was going too far too fast. That was fine with him, but he had no intention of committing himself to a nameless body... Commitment was a paradox to him.
AJ never did see the point in holding on to one person forever. Where was the joy in that? He also had to admit that he knew nothing about love. He immediately shut his mind from the thought. Falling for someone could only mean that you'd be hurt in the end. He didn't want his heart broken. He had seen it all his life and he found out at an early age that commitment was not going to be with him.
AJ stroked his arm and bit his lip. If he knew that love always ended in loss then why couldn't he find happiness in the life he was leading now? He opened his eyes and shook his head. Why was this tormenting him? Why couldn't he let it go? It couldn't be guilt over meaningless sex... or could it? ~What am I meant to do?~ he thought. ~I'm not going to be happy like this forever. I'm barely happy like this now...~
He shut his eyes and was quite surprised to see Kevin's face in his mind. His brow furrowed as he thought silently. Kevin? He swallowed and laid back next to the woman. He shook his head and sighed deeply. There was no way to brush off this odd sensation inside of him. Sometimes people just appear inside of you for no reason. He changed his mental subject and attempted to figure out a way to sneak out. He slowly thought of Kevin telling him not to abandon women so abruptly all the time.
His eyes shot open and he nearly spoke aloud. ~Is Kevin supposed to be my Yoda or something?~ He kept thinking about him. It wasn't completely strange since they were good friends but why would he see Kevin when sex and commitment was on his mind? That seemed disarming to him.
AJ felt a shiver go through him... He moved his arm away from the nameless vixen at his side. He pulled his boxer shorts on and slid slowly away from the bed. The woman snuggled close to the pillow and mumbled to herself. AJ thought she had said "Kevin" but realized it was coming from his own mind.
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Ok, I will try to get them out quicker but I have been so busy lately! I am sure it is understandable. I love mail so keep it coming. Anything at all. I am Kevin at BrwyDevil@AOL.com.... hear me roar. Or type as the case may be.