*This story is fictional and isn't meant to imply that Ryan Phillippe is gay. If you are too young to read this, or if this material offends you, please leave. If not, read on and I hope you enjoy the story (it's fictional- I'm not even in my own country)! This is the first of this type of story I have written. Any comments and suggestions, please send them to: boy_boogie@hotmail.com
RYAN'S INTENTIONS 4
Oh no. Why did I say that? Why? Now the best thing that has happened to me in so long is not going to fall through. You are such an idiot Justin, such a stupid idiot! He is probably the most beautiful man in the world and you turned him down after he made the move, which is what you wanted anyway! Geez, you should probably just add this to the list of all the stupid things you've done, like -
"Justin, look. I don't know why you don't want to do it,-" Ryan began bitterly.
"Because I don't know you! Sex is a big deal to me! I can't just do it on a whim, I just can't. I've never had sex with a guy before, and I guess you have since you managed to turn me on so much just then, but I just can't. I don't want just a fling!" I pleaded, hoping he would understand what I meant.
"And I don't want a serious relationship." he yelled.
"What?" I asked, wondering if he really meant that or just said it.
"I thought you wanted me to kiss you! When you were out cold and I revived you, you actually kissed me back! And before you went to sleep you held out your hand!" Ryan stated.
"That's not the point Ryan!" I argued back weakly.
"Then what is the point? What is it with you Justin? I mean, what is it about you? You can't play a song on the piano without crying, you're in some sort of trouble with your dad and you're afraid of sex!"
"How dare you!" I lost it. "You have no fuckin' idea what I have been through in the last six months, NO IDEA! You're just here, on this cruise, looking for a little sex, a little fling! Yeah, well I'm on this cruise to make a new start of things, and they've gone fuckin' terribly so far!" A small tear rolled down my face, and this seemed to only fuel Ryan's anger.
"What a noble purpose you have, but that doesn't explain anything!" Ryan yelled, pacing around the room.
"I don't have to tell you anything anyway, who do you think you are? Oh that's right, you're Ryan Phillipe, celebrity extraordinaire! You can do what ever you want to whoever you want and not worry about anything!"
"I don't know what the fuck is up with you man, but I'm gonna go." Ryan stated.
"I'm not stopping you." I said, sitting up on the bed.
"Look, what is up with you? What has happened in the last six months?" Ryan asked, concern overtaking the anger in his voice.
"You think I'm gonna tell you, then cuddle up with you, just so you can fuck me? I don't think so Ryan! GO!"
"Fuck you Justin. I'll walk myself out."
"Fine then!" I yelled, as he slammed the door. I realised how pathetic that comeback line was.
What the hell happened just then? Did I just ruin every chance I had of being in love with Ryan? Did I even lose a chance for friendship? I still can't believe he kissed me. And why did he just want a fling? I mean, that would be adulterous! Is he some sort of sexaholic? I could never be that someone who was the one that eventually caused the break up of two people in love. Never. But what if they - Ryan and Reese - weren't in love? Is that why he kissed me? Why he just ran out? Why he's looking for just an affair? Is he having troubles, and does he think a fling is going to take them away?
Maybe it's me? Is there something that I have stupidly done without realising it? Something I might have said? Should I have told him what happened? Would have he stayed? Would he have understood, and comforted me? Why am I so afraid of telling people? Why can't I open up to people? A bitter memory of my past girlfriend surfaced. `That's why', I thought to myself.
Krystle had been my girlfriend, on and off, for almost seven years. Seven wonderful years. From when I was fifteen, up until six months ago. It was then that I had realised that I was gay. About a fortnight after my 22nd birthday. I eventually gathered up the courage to tell Krystle and when I went to tell her, she left me. Just left me. And betrayed me! Unfortunately, I remember that night too well. She had just finished filming a report about something or other. Krystle was a news reporter in a small town in Western Australia, and we had a pizza in my apartment.
"What do you mean you're gay? You just woke up this morning and decided to become a homosexual?"
"Look, it didn't happen like that, I've kinda realised for some time and -"
"You've known for some time? And didn't tell me before?" she interrupted.
"Look, Krystle, please listen to me." I pleaded.
"No, look I've got to go."
"No Krystle, please wait." I said, grabbing her arm, before continuing.
"I still love you, you should know that, and I will always love you, you have been such an important part of my life, but I just can't love you like you love me."
"Oh my God, you've met someone, haven't you?" accused Krystle.
"No, no I haven't, Krys, you know better than that."
"I'm going."
"Krystle please!"
"Look, have a good time in the USA, but when you come back, don't expect to find me waiting for you like before!"
I didn't know what to say, so I watched her leave, as I sighed to myself. `Goodbye Krystle'.
I tried to erase that memory as best I could, reflecting upon it wondering if there was anything different I would have done. She didn't really take my coming out' too well. I remember trying to reach her the next day, only to find out she was another guy. I went to her apartment, and found a note slightly slid under the door. I retrieved it and read it, finding out that she had been going out with a friend' of mine, Adrian. The note read: `How many weeks have I been alive? Since I met you, then it has been five. Please Krystle, come over tonight, where we can celebrate.' I was disgusted with the poem.
I placed the note back in the envelope, and ran down the stairs, and drove dangerously fast to my apartment before I just lost it, punching the boxing bag. I remember being so angry at her for having the nerve to blame me for our break-up while she was having an affair with my so called best friend. The next day was the day I left for America with my mother, who had recently divorced my dad. I never told Adrian or Krystle I knew about them.
As if anyone would care anyway', I thought to myself. Then another voice spoke in my head. Ryan does'. Does he? Does he care about me?
I couldn't get to sleep like this! I took off my bathers, and I walked into the shower, turned on the hot water and stood there briefly, washing off the slight stench of chlorine that hung over my body. After I finished, I went into the lounge and looked in the TV cabinet. There were quite a few videos, but I didn't care what I watched. I picked out the top one and put is in, before realising it was 54'. One of Ryan's movies. I just had to pick that up, didn't I?', I thought to myself unamused.
I skipped the previews. I stopped just before the beginning of the film.
I was so angry at Ryan and myself, I knew I wouldn't enjoy the film. Instead, I went to bed, trying to think of a solution to this crisis. `Should I apologise to Ryan?', I wondered before deciding I should. But what am I apologising for? For stopping him from cheating on his girlfriend? For everything that has happened, out of my control, for the last six months? No. I won't apologise. I don't even know where he is, so I'll just wait. Or should I?
To be continued...
I hope that everyone liked this part! I'm really happy about the mail that I have got because it does a lot to boost enthusiasm! I'm sorry there isn't any sex, but I said from the start that this is going to be kinda realistic, but I promise you that the sex will come. Here is a question for everyone: Does anyone think I should also write the story from Ryan's perspective? Anyway, this will be the last part for a while, so I hope that you're lookin forward to the next one, and I will try to make them longer!!