*This story is fictional and isn't meant to imply that Ryan Phillippe is gay. If you are too young to read this, or if this material offends you, please leave. If not, read on and I hope you enjoy the story (it's fictional- I'm not even in my own country)! This is the first of this type of story I have written. Any comments and suggestions, please send them to: boy_boogie@hotmail.com Thank you for all the mail I have received so far, I really appreciate it.
RYAN'S INTENTIONS V
I layed uncomfortably on the bed, under the soft thick covers for about God knows how long until I decided that I could not sleep. The events of earlier in the evening replayed in my mind. `Why was I so angry and snappish? Why did I feel so--so threatened by Ryan? Why didn't I tell him about it? Why did I push him away when he seemed to care for me? Why did I think? Why not just feel? It isn't exactly unbelievable that he was attracted to you Justin!' These unanswered questions kept returning to my mind as I layed back pondering what to do. Should I go out and look for Ryan? No, it's too late, and I don't even know where his room is.
I had to do something though - Ryan's hurt face when I told him to go kept appearing every time I closed my eyes. I couldn't sleep like this. I pulled away the sheets for the bed and sat up, bending up my knees where I rested my elbows for a moment while I held my head in my hands, deciding what I should do. Slowly, I got up and stood beside the bed, allowing my eyes to adjust to the darkness of very early morning while I grabbed my robe and put it on. Quietly and swiftly I walked through the bedroom and lounge room, out into the hall and down to the dining room and stage area, lightening my pace as I noticed how the floor was creaking. Soon I was tiptoeing my way to the piano. I raised the lid over the keys and quietly sat down, running the tips of my fingers along the keys. I raised my hands, preparing to play a piece, anything, but a feeling of being watched crept over me. I tried to make out a figure in the reflection but I could barely see myself.
I turned around quickly, and I saw Ryan standing behind me, glaring at me. Ryan was wearing a dark baggy jumper and some track pants. He looked like he had slept as well as I had. I looked into his eyes and saw the hurt they contained. Ryan's eyes stared angrily into mine, as I tried to think of something to say, or something to do. I spun my feet around the bench so that now I was directly looking up at Ryan. Ryan still stood there with his arms crossed in front of his chest while mine rested down my sides, leaning on the bench. I looked down onto the floor, contemplating what I would say before I looked up to see Ryan walk away. `Say something quickly, before he leaves!' I thought to myself.
"Ryan, wait." I pleaded, but he continued to walk out of the hall. I stood up and followed Ryan past the empty tables and stacked up chairs, past the paintings that hung up on all the walls, past the entrance to the kitchen, and out of a wooden side door.
"Ryan. Ryan! Wait!" He went out of the door and as it closed I almost walked into it. I opened the door and as I stepped outside, the cold windy air made me shiver, and the shake traversed into my voice as I spoke to Ryan, a few feet in front of me, leaning against the fence railing at the edge of the boat, like a silhouette in the early morning sky. There were still a few stars out, but they began to fade ever so slightly as subtle traces of light reached the horizon. Ryan just stared at me, with his arms also on the fence, looking at me with anger.
"Look Ryan, I'm sorry I've been a real jerk off and a plain asshole, it's just that a lot of stuff has happened to me in the last six months." I stopped, waiting for a reaction from Ryan but there wasn't one. A look of curiosity spread across his face. He didn't have to say it, he wanted to know what had happened to me. "For I while, I thought I couldn't possibly make it. I really wanted to kill myself, but I was too scared to. I mean, there was no family I could have possibly hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to doing it. Since then, I've ... changed. I'm not the same person I was at this time last year. I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was ever again. I've just been dealt too many tragedies and hardships to appreciate people, or anything enjoyable in life. So I say to myself, I'll come back to Australia and make a new start of things, in a new place where nobody knows me, and where I can live in peace, but then I meet you. Why did I have to meet you? Why did you have to be so caring, so thoughtful, so ... beautiful? I've known you for just a few days, I know, but you mean so much to me! I mean, you make me smile and make me feel happy. I'm so sorry that you don't know this, and I'm sorry that I just pushed you away last night, please, you must believe me, it's just that--" I paused, trying to control myself but I began to cry anyway, "It's just that every time I let someone know me, allow someone to love me, or allow myself to love someone, I always - they always - get hurt. I don't think I could handle losing someone else, not now, not ever again. I didn't want you to know me, but you broke down all my barriers, I liked you, but I thought, I thought that you would hurt me like everyone else." I took a brief pause and tried to control my tears, "When you kissed me, and alarm went off in my head saying `WARNING! WARNING! You'll get hurt again!' So I pushed you away. Ryan, I just pushed you away, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid of you, I have feelings for you, and I respect you, and I got so confused feeling all of this for you. I don't know why, but fear over took me. It's like you've been the sunshine in my last six months of rain. It felt so wonderful to have someone care for me. But my defence was just there. It protects me, and denies me. It protects me from hurt and pain while causing it also, and it denies me of a chance to, to, to love. To love you." I looked deep into Ryan's eyes as I spoke the last sentence.
I continued to cry as I held up my hands to my head, wandering whether I should have told him what I felt. I wiped away the tears on my cheeks and looked at Ryan, hopefully, waiting for him to respond to me. I waited for him to digest my emotions, while I also thought about what I had just said. I stood there waiting. I had never been so honest in telling anyone just how I felt, and I felt slightly relieved to have shared this with someone.
Ryan altered his stance so that he was standing on another foot while leaning on the fence. He looked at me, with a feeling of shock and sadness covering his face. I then realised that I shouldn't have said anything. Why did I tell him? Now he'll treat me like a charity case, and charity isn't what I need. `But what do you need Justin?' I asked myself, unable to find an answer.
"Look Ryan, I'm sorry about that, and I'm sorry being such a dickhead before, and I'm sorry that you had to hear that, I mean, you know, I shouldn't have said anything."
I began to turn around and when I had my back to Ryan, I stood still for a moment with my head hanging down and shoulders hunched, before I began to walk away. Suddenly I felt a hand upon my shoulder which sent a warmth that dissolved the cold of the air. I turned around to see Ryan looking at me intently. I looked down, I didn't want to see his beautiful face.
"Justin, I accept your apology. I forgive you! I forgave you when you said `Ryan, I'm sorry'!" said Ryan, smiling. I stood standing, stunned by Ryan's words.
"You, you forgive me?" I questioned. Ryan's smile remained on his face as he nodded.
"But I want to know what has happened in these last six months that has hurt you. I want to know why you are so afraid, so--so childlike. I want to know what you are running from." I was taken aback by his concern and intrigue.
"Sometimes running away is the right thing to do, and you won't feel any of the pain if you run from the past." I commented angrily. Ryan looked at me, not satisfied with my response.
"Ryan, I haven't told anyone, I've dealt with it myself and-"
"You have to tell someone Justin. Running from the past can cause so much pain that it destroys a person, or at least alters them forever. You can run from the past, or you can deal with it. Learn from it. Please Justin, tell me, I, I care about you. A lot." I looked up into Ryan's eyes, feeling a small smile appear on my face as my eyes dried up.
"You do?"
Ryan simply nodded, with a look of eagerness spreading from his eyes. I tried to think of how I was going to tell him, and I decided I should tell him what happened and how I felt about it, in a chronological fashion. I took a deep breath, took Ryan's hand off my shoulder and held it in mine.
"Well, just over half a year ago, a relationship that had lasted for seven years, seven whole years, ended. From my fifteenth birthday, right up until my twenty first. That's how long we were together. It wasn't seven years straight, but it was for the most of that time, but during the last couple of months, Krystle and I were different.. But I told her that I was gay, after trying to deny it for some time. I thought of all people, she would understand. But she didn't. She wouldn't. I don't know, but she just looked at me with such ... disgust. I'll never forget the way in which she looked at me after I told her Ryan, never." I said, as I felt tears welling up in my eyes, before I continued.
"And she just left, and I felt so alone. I couldn't possibly tell any of my friends that I was gay, and I felt like I was the only gay young adult on Earth. I couldn't even tell my best friend, or any of my family. And I went to see Krystle later on, only to find that she was, that she was cheating on me. She was cheating on me, with my best friend Adrian. A friend I had known for as long as I can remember." I stopped speaking, and began crying into my free hand. "They don't know that I knew, because the following day I was leaving to America with my mum. I never told either of them that I found out, I couldn't. I was too scared that Krystle would convince me it was my fault or something. But I will never get over the fact that she must have had a lot of nerve to even dare blame me for our break up, when she was cheating on me. I mean, I gave her all of my love, my heart. I ended up just getting washed out by her. That's what I got for loving someone? And I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to hurt like she hurt me. And I never knew why? How could someone I had know for so long do something like that? Maybe she didn't feel the same about me, I don't know, but I want her to feel pain I wanted her to feel everything I felt multiplied by a thousand!" I sobbed bitterly as Ryan held me close hugging me, where I cried upon his shoulder.
Ryan's hands were wrapped around my back as I placed my arms along his sides and hands upon the centre of his back. I felt Ryan's right hand gently stroke my short sandy blonde hair as his hand opened and just rested on the back of my head. Ryan and I both stood like this in silence for a few moments. I needed someone to hold, to cling to, to comfort me.
"Ryan, I'm sorry for pushing you away before." I whispered loud enough for him to hear.
"Justin, really, its okay." I moved my neck back so my head was off Ryan's shoulders. I looked deep into Ryan's eyes, smiling. Ryan smiled back at me, with that cute and sexy grin of his. I looked just over his shoulder and past his head and noticed for the first time that the sun was rising. What a beautiful sunrise, I thought to myself as I viewed the dark purple and golden sky alter the clouds and provide beautiful lighting on Ryan. My gaze eventually headed back towards Ryan. He looked at me with intent, and I saw desire burn in his eyes. I moved my right hand from his back and curled it, before moving it and holding it against his cheek. I slowly moved around it before I opened my hand and let my thumb slightly stroke his smooth, beautiful skin. "You are so beautiful Ryan."
As I held his face in my hand, I closed my eyes, and leant in towards Ryan. I stopped just millimetres from his mouth, where I could feel his lips breathe upon mine, before I slightly parted my lips and placed them on Ryan's. My body shuddered in utter pleasure. My head was tilting slightly as I began to move my lips, slowly, sharing my breath with Ryan. I opened and closed my lips at varying speeds while my hands ran down from his neck back to holding him while he stroked my hair and the back of my neck which turned me on wildly, as well as sending shivers throughout my body in contrast with the shaking of the cold wind.
The next time I opened my mouth Ryan's tongue ran across my lips and wetting them, while slowly entering my mouth. His tongue met mine and we slowly moved the round each other, hoping to please one another. We must have been doing this for at least fifteen minutes, because when I finally broke off the kiss and caught a deep breath, the sun had risen over the horizon. For a moment, Ryan and I looked at each other, passion filling our eyes as we smirked. I didn't even realise it until then, but when we broke off the kiss, our hands joined and held. Ryan broke the comfortable silence between us.
"Well, shall we have breakfast now?" Ryan asked with a sleek grin on his face.
"I don't think I can eat, I mean my mouth is so sore!" I wailed sarcastically as we walked towards the hall, hand in hand.
To be continued...
Well, I hope that this was worth the wait and remember, if you have any comments, negative or positive, or even ideas for the story, please feel free to e mail them to: boy_boogie@hotmail.com