To all my fans, I appreciate the comments more then you will ever know. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Once again let me know, I will try and answer all e-mails. I wanted this chapter to be longer, but I thought where I ended was the best place to stop.
Ryan's Odyssey
Chapter Four
The weekend had kinda of past by without much incident, and before I knew it, it was seven o'clock Monday morning, and time to go to school once again. The movie Todd had suggested to us was very good. It had everything I could have wanted in a movie. A good story line, good acting, and of course a cute boy. I didn't see Ryan at all on Sunday, I was still trying to think about the question he had asked me and the response I had given him. I had hoped I didn't let on to him about my feeling for him with my response.
We had been parked out on the curb in his truck, when he asked the question.
I was taken aback by the question, not sure of where it was coming from.
"I guess I've never really thought about it?" I answered.
"Well when your mom told you your uncle was gay?" he asked," how did you feel about it."
Right at about that time, the song "This I promise you" started to come through the speakers. Isn't it funny how music seems to be a soundtrack to our lifes, and the right song will start playing at just the most important times. "I was deeply hurt at first, "I said, "but after a night of crying, thinking I had lost my uncle, it was almost as if he had died. I began to realize he had been gay since before I was born, and I had loved him before, so what had changed now. Nothing as far as I was concerned, except for the fact he was no longer welcomed in our house, and we kinda had to be careful my mother never knew I still loved him." I closed my eyes, trying to fight back the tears I could feel trying to escape, "so to answer your question, It would be hard, but eventually I would come to terms with it, as long as the whole school didn't know about it. I don't think I could handle that. If it was our secret, we could still be best friends, or good friends, but in a different light, if you know what I mean?"
"So what your saying is has long as he stays in the closet, only letting you in, then your okay with it," he said, "but it anybody else finds out you will no longer claim to be his friend."
"Ryan, why all the sudden interest in gays?" I asked. "Is it because of what I told you about Todd."
He grabbed another cigarette and lit it, "I'm just kinda curious that's all.
Can I tell you a secret, he said, but you've got to promise not to tell anybody."
"Best friends for life," I said, "Means you can trust me with your life."
"I found this website, by accident of course," he said, "called the nifty archive. It was stories about High School students like ourselves who find out there gay, and about the struggles they go through. I read a couple of the stories, and seen what some of them go through when there outed really makes you feel for them. I was just kinda wondering if we would treat someone the same way they did."
"If your asking if I'm homophobic, then the answer is no."
I stood under the cascading water of the shower, still thinking about the question. Did he suspect something, and was trying to tell me in his own way, that he didn't have a problem with me being gay, or was he trying to tell me...no way, he couldn't be. Everybody knew that Football Gods weren't gay, especially ones like Ryan. Ryan was magic on the football field. When he touched the ball he didn't seem to be running, he looked more like a graceful dancer, dancing the greatest dance in history. For every football game, home or away, the stands were filled to capacity with people who had come to see what they knew was going to be a performance they would remember for years to come. I of course liked to think I was cheering louder then anybody else.
"Kyle," I heard my mother call, "as I stepped out of the shower with just my towel around my waist, "Ryan called and said he wasn't gonna be able to pick you up today, apparently he isn't feeling real well this morning, and won't be going to school today"
After Kyle had left Saturday night, I excused myself and went to my room, closed the door and started crying like I had never cried before. I loved him, and I wanted the world to know. I kept telling myself I was prepared for the day I would finally let him know. I had dreamed about it for years.
I would tell him, he would accept it, and tell me he loved me too, and we would live happily ever after. What a stupid fantasy.
Sunday went by quicker then I would have liked, and before I knew it Monday had rolled around. I wasn't physically sick, but I didn't want to face Kyle.
It was getting kinda hard to see him everyday and not let him know how I felt.
"Mom" I yelled. When she finally got to my room, I told her that I wasn't feeling good, and thought it would be best if I staying home from school for the day.
Like all mothers, she placed her hand on my forehead to see if I had a fever, determind I didn't and then asked me what was wrong.
I wanted to tell her so bad. I wanted to let someone know that secret that had been eating my heart for years, but how would she feel if her only son, told her she was never gonna be a grandmother. "I'm not sure," I said, "I just feel real bad."
"I'll call the school," she said, "then work, and tell them I'm not coming in, and then you call Kyle, and tell him your not going to pick him up for school, so he won't be late waiting for you. Then me and you are gonna sit down and talk about a few things."
I knew right at that moment that she knew, but how I wasn't sure. I knew Kyles habits, so I knew when I finally called he would be in the shower, and I wouldn't have to speak to him. I relayed the message to his mom, and then walked into the kitchen. My mom had already poured me a hot cup of coffee. "Drink your coffee, take a shower, and well your doing that, I'm gonna take Robin to school, and when I get back, well sit down and have our little talk."
Thirty minutes later I was showered and sitting at the table waiting for her to return.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and asked if I wanted another. I declined. Instead of sitting across the table from me, like she usually did, she sat down right next to me. "I know your not sick," she said, "I wish you would tell me what's been bothering you lately. Todd says it's just growing pains from being a teenager, and I should just let you grow out of them, but somehow I feel there's more to it then that. I've tried to raise you and your sister has best as I can all by myself, and I think I've done a fairly good job. I need for you to trust me with your problems, and we can work them out."
I couldn't help it, I tried to hold my tears in, but somehow they just escaped and started to run down my cheeks. "Mom," I said, "If you found out I wasn't the perfect son, or the perfect hero, the whole town as made me out to be, would you still love me."
"I've never thought you were the perfect son," she said, "as far as the rest of the town. Three years from now, another perfect hero will come along, if not sooner, but regardless if how anybody ever sees you or thinks of you, I fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you and my love as only grown deeper and stronger."
I was crying hard know, all my years of fustration were being released.
"Mom," I said, "I'm...
To say Ryan's statement floored me was an understatement. I had suspected he was having girl problems, or problems in school, normal teenage boy problems. But when he hit me with the revelation he was gay, I kinda lost my breath.
"Mom," he said, "you hate me know don't you?"
I started crying right along with him, "Hate you baby," I said, "I told you awhile ago I loved you and that will never change. Yes, this is a lot for me to handle right now, and it may take me some time to come to terms with it, but I will never stop loving you."
We spent the better part of the morning, talking about his feelings, the tormoil he had been hiding deep within himself. I could feel the pain in each word he spoke, about how he was tierd of pretending to be something he wasn't. How he was in love with someone, but knew they would never return his love, and just being close to them was breaking his heart in little pieces. He was sick of being perfect in everybody's eyes."
"I only have two questions for you Ryan?" I asked. "First one is, do you play football to hide the fact from others, or because you love it, and second, and this isn't an easy one, but is Kyle the boy your in love with."
I knew the answer to the second question just by the look in his eyes, but I wanted to hear it from him. "Yes, to both questions," he said, "I love playing football, and if I said I didn't enjoy the fame I'd be lying, except sometimes I don't fell as if I'm doing it for myself anymore, I have to please my fans and it takes the fun out of it sometimes."
"How do you think Kyle would react to finding out your gay?" she asked.
"He said he wouldn't have a problem with it..."
I interupted him, "You've already told him."
"No," he said, "He told me he had a gay uncle, and I asked him how he would feel if he found out a good friend of his was gay. He said he wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as it stayed a secret between them."
"What brought this conversation on?" I asked.
"It was when he told me he thought Todd was gay," he said.
What a day this was turning out to be. The two most important men in my life both turned out to be gay, and I had never suspect it of either of them.
I was still trying to digest all the information, when Ryan brought me out of my trance, by leaning over and kissing me on the cheek, "Mom," he said, "I've made a decision, and regardless of the consequences, I"m gonna tell Kyle what I feel. If he accepts me, then I will be happy and if he don't well then I'll be torn apart, but I decide I can no longer live with my inner turmoil." He stood up, walked to his room, grabbed the keys to his truck, and his books and walked out the door to school, with a confidence I hadn't seen in years.
I had just walked out of the school building, not sure what to do for the lunch hour, usually me and Ryan either drove to his house, raided the fridge and kinda kicked back for the hour. I decided I was just gonna sit on the steps and see what everybody else did, when I looked up and saw his truck parked in the parking lot next to my car. I figured he was feeling better.
"Hey bro, "I said, "when I approached his truck, "Looks like your feeling better."
"You don't know how much," he said, "Hop in he said, let's go for a ride."
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