Sam

Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional and not intended for minors or those judged unable by law to read this material. Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental and unintended. The views on religion in this story does not represent the views of the author. The author's intention is neither to defend nor belittle anyone's belief system.

"When you see him, tell him. Anyway, I pray that it will be well for both of you."

SAM - 4

When I got home, I decided to do the laundry. As I went through my pockets, I found the piece of paper from Ben's place. It was a church newsletter. I searched for a phone number and found it. The pastor was Father Raymond Neil. Now why does the name ring a bell? I decided that I would call the next morning.

Just before I left for work, I rang the church. I got an answering machine. I decided to leave a message. "Father Neil, I am Samuel Beck. I am a friend of Benedict Lake. I would like to talk to you about him. Please call back ..." I left my telephone number of the lab and the telephone number of my home. I hope that it would give me a lead as to Ben's whereabouts.

I received the call from Father Raymond Neil at about ten in the morning. He agreed to see me and gave me directions to the church. I fixed an appointment for three that same day. I managed to find Prof. Lake and got the afternoon off.

The directions were very clear and I found the church. There was an elderly man who was probably the receptionist or secretary. He asked me to wait a moment while he called the priest. I was then ushered into an office that was filled with old furniture. It was as though I had stepped into the past.

"Don't mind the old furniture. I felt I was in a history book the first time I came in, " the priest in at the desk at the back of the office said.

The priest seemed very young. He could not have been more than thirty-five. He was quite tall and of a good frame. His build showed that he worked out. I suddenly felt ashamed to have checked out the priest. He stood up and reached over the desk and offered his hand, "You must be Mr. Beck."

I grasped his hand and gave a firm handshake. "Call me Sam."

"Alright, I will. Please sit ... Sam."

I sat down and he asked, "I understand that you are a friend of Mr. Lake. What would you like to talk to me about?"

It suddenly dawned on me where I have heard the name. Without thinking I asked, "I just remembered, aren't you the guy who was Ben's swimming captain?" Then realising what I had just did, I added, "Oops, sorry. I didn't mean to be disrespectful."

Father Raymond smiled, "It's okay. You are correct. I was Benedict's captain when he made it to the swimming team. He was a fine swimmer."

"To come to the point Father. I think Ben is missing. He left his father's more than a week ago to come back here, but he has not shown up. His aunt and I are very worried."

"How are you related to Benedict?"

"I am his best friend," I said. I noticed that he was staring at me. I do not know if it was because I was lying to a priest or because he was really staring hard at me. "Actually," I added quietly, "we are more than friends."

Father Raymond sighed, "I hope you understand. I cannot break the confidence that has been entrusted to me. I can see that you are genuinely concerned about Ben. I can only assure you that he is okay. I cannot tell you where he is because he has taken me into confidence. I had foreseen that someone might come to look for him and he has instructed me to say certain things. Everything else is left to him to tell you himself when he is ready."

I nodded, my anxiety rising.

"Sam, since he moved here, Ben had had a religious experience. He decided to come back to God and to Church. He had begun to discover the love of God in his life. However, he has now reached a crisis point. He decided that he had to do something to handle that crisis. That is all I can say."

"You make it sound like he is in some spiritual training that will brainwash him." I was really angry and anxious. Why did this priest not want to help me? "I've heard about you Roman Catholics. You are all homophobes and cannot understand us gays. You are probably brainwashing him right now so that he will feel so guilty about loving me that he will never want to see me again!" I lashed out. I was furious and suddenly I stopped because I realised that I have outed myself to the priest.

Father Raymond sat there quietly, he was looking at his desk, sighing. Then he looked up and asked, "You must love him very much."

I nodded my head.

With another sigh, he continued, "First, the Church never condemns persons. Yes, we condemn homosexual activity but we never condemn the person. There are those who would like the world to think that the sin and the sinner are the same thing. They are not. I am sad to say that even within the Church, some still do not know the difference. If what you say is true, then I should have thrown you out the moment you admitted who you are."

He continued, "I can only state what the Church teaches and to a certain extent explain the consequences of someone's decisions. I cannot make the decisions for that person. Right now, Ben is trying to make some decisions. All he asks of you and his aunt is that you give him the space and the time to come to those decisions. I do not know what those decisions are going to be I can only assure you that those are his decisions. Only he can make them. No one, not even God can make those decisions for him. That is what the faith teaches."

My heart sank. From what he said, I could only see that I would lose Ben. I struggled not to cry and stood up. "Thank you for your time Father."

"Don't give up hope," was his reply.

I was aghast at his words but did not wish to respond. I turned and walked out of the office. I could not believe the gall of that guy. How could he just tell me to hope that Ben would come back to me when he had just said that his precious church did not agree to what Ben and I were doing. My tears of despair turned to tears of anger. I caught a bus and headed home.

The day after my meeting with the priest, I had told Prof. Lake an edited version of what happened. She did not seem disappointed. She was only interested to know if Ben was okay. She was puzzled, though, as to why Ben did not want us to know where he was. I did not tell her about the crisis. I just told her Ben wanted some time to himself to sort certain things out.

Ben finally returned and came to my place on Friday night.

I was elated. I let him in and the first thing he did was to hug me. "Sam, I missed you. You don't know how much I missed you."

"I missed you, too, Ben." It was so good to feel him in my arms. "Why did you just leave home and not say anything?" I demanded to know. "Do you know how worried your aunt and I were?"

He released me and said apologetically, "Sorry, I just had to sort things out. I was very confused after our last time together. That night was fantastic but I also felt guilty and confused. I needed some time to think."

"So, what did you find out?"

"How can I make it simple?"

"Come right out and say it."

"Can you accept my love without sex?"

"What?!!" I looked at Ben with my eyes wide open. "What kind of question is that?"

Ben looked a little panicky.

"How can I love you without making love to you?" I demanded.

Ben kept silent.

"No Ben, I don't think I can do it."

Ben's eyes became red. But he kept his composure. "Then the decision is made. Sam. I needed to make a decision with you. I had several options. If you had answered 'yes', then I would have been really happy. Now that you've answered 'no', I guess I have nothing more to say. I only wish we could part as friends."

"What are you saying Ben? I'm to blame for us breaking up? I refuse to let you get away with this."

There were tears in Ben's eyes.

"No Sam, no one is to be blamed. In every relationship, there comes a point when decisions have to be made, not by one, but by two. In this case, what I wanted out of the relationship was not the same as what you wanted. I wanted a relationship in which I could hug you, kiss you and spend time with you but without sleeping with you. You needed a relationship which could satisfy you sexually. I am not able to do that."

"So, you are breaking up with me?"

"I guess you can say that."

"I refuse to believe that you didn't want the love-making we did at your place."

"Sam, I enjoyed our time together, but I realised that it was not what I was looking for in a relationship."

I was confused. What did he mean by all this rhetoric? "You mean ... this is it? That's all I get, a 'sorry' for all the pain and suffering I went through?"

"I wish I know how to make it up to you. I did not mean for you to suffer any anxiety."

"Of course you did not mean for me to suffer," I said sarcastically, "you were just thinking of yourself and not about the person you claim to love."

Ben's tears were flowing freely now. It felt good to see him cry. I wanted to hurt him even more. "Get out, you lousy excuse for a man. You made me anxious thinking that you loved me, and all this time, you just wanted some sex and now you turn around and say that you didn't want it? Get out! How dare you think that you are higher than me? How dare you come to my house just to hurt me again?"

"Sam," Ben sobbed, "I never meant it that way, I did not come to hurt you."

"Get out!" I shouted. "Get the hell out!"

He got out of my apartment crying and I slammed the door. After hearing his car move away, I was pleased with myself. At least I got even with him. I resolved to have nothing to do with him anymore.

It wasn't until Sunday morning, when I was home, getting ready for the return trip to the town when the enormity of what I had done hit me. I literally tore Ben's spirit into pieces with my anger. My mother asked me what happened and I broke down, telling her what I did.

"Sam, you won't listening to your heart. You were listening to your anger."

"What can I do now?"

"Son, call him. Use the phone here. Remember, listen to what your heart says, not what your anger says."

I tried calling Ben but I only got his answering machine.

On Monday, Prof. Lake did not turn up. She had taken emergency leave. I wondered if it was because Ben had decided to return home and she was nursing his injured pride. I caught myself there, my vengefulness was showing itself again.

When she turned up the next day, she looked like she did not sleep in the night. She called me into her office.

"Where were you Saturday and Sunday? I called your home but no one answered."

"I was back at my parents' home."

"Of course. How forgetful of me! I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. Ben was involved in a car accident early Saturday morning. He was speeding and lost control of his car and hit a tree. The rescue team brought him to a hospital in the next town. He had a gash across his left hip. Luckily, the femoral vessels were not affected. Other than that, he just had scratches and bruises. No broken bones. He had lost a lot of blood, though. His driver's licence was soaked in blood and oil and was difficult to read. The police could not make a positive identification until they traced back the car to the rental agency. That was why I wasn't notified until about ten on Saturday."

I kept quiet the whole time. As I listened to each word, I became aware that I was the cause of the accident. Ben must have been so affected that he did not care any more. Tears began to form,

Prof. Lake continued, "He's alive. That's the important thing. He was in intensive care after the surgery. He awoke from the anaesthesia yesterday and was transferred to a normal room."

"Can I go to see him?"

"I'll be leaving here at three to see him in the evening. I'll bring you, okay?"

"Thanks!"

I was actually afraid of the reception I will get in the hospital. After all, I had treated him rather badly. He was in a public hospital. He was in a room which took in six patients. He was in the bed number 2. The room was filled. There were families of the other patients there. Suddenly, I was afraid. He could get angry at me and then out us in front of everyone. I was about to turn and go, but he spotted me. He waved.

"Hi! Thanks for coming." he said weakly.

"So how are you this evening?" his aunt asked.

"I'm sore all over. But seeing you has made the pain bearable." he gave a slight grin. "When I saw the other fellow having visitors, I started to fill lonely. But now, I'm satisfied."

My vision started to get blurry. He noticed and said, "I was stupid. I did not know how fast I was driving. I thought I saw an animal on the road and I swerved and the next thing I knew, I woke up here. That will teach me to be careless."

My heart started to ache. He was trying to tell me not to worry and not to blame myself, in his own way. I controlled my tears. I was searching for the words to use so that his aunt will not realise how we felt for one another. "Ben, I'm glad that you're okay. I just want to say that I wouldn't want to lose a good friend like you."

I could see that Ben was a little disappointed. However, he recovered within a few seconds and said, "Thanks Sam, I needed to hear that."

Ben spent about two weeks in hospital before being discharged. The day he got home, I was not there. Prof. Lake had brought him home. It was a working day and I could not get away. It seemed that he told Prof. Lake something because when she came back, she told me, "Don't give up on him, okay?" Her manner towards me did not change, though.

That night, when I visited him, I asked him what he told his aunt.

"I told her that we had fallen in love with each other. However, because of my religion, I could not remain lovers with you and had broken off with you."

"That's not the truth," I chided.

"Sam, I care about you a lot and I do want to hurt you. I think I have hurt you enough. I was glad to see you at the hospital. It meant to me that you had forgiven me."

I wanted to interrupt but he stopped me. "Sam, life is not always fair in this world, I realised. I cannot begin to explain to you the kind of relationship I have with God. If anything, this accident has strengthened my faith in Him. I saw the shape the car was in and the bill," he said with a slight grin. Then he became serious, "What happened to me was slight. I could have died or worse, be in a permanent coma. I believed that He had saved me."

"Ben, you are the first person that I have loved who has loved me back. The first person I had come out to. When I found out that you wanted only to be good friends, I was devastated. You broke my heart. I still have feelings for you, but I cannot sit here and pretend that we are only friends."

Ben's face saddened. "I understand. This may sound ridiculous. It is because I love you that I did what I did."

"What do you mean?"

"When we first made love, I had a beautiful experience. All those fantasies I had were nothing compared to what I experienced. That blow job you gave me was really out of this world. I would be lying if I said I had no desire for another blow job, but my lust is focused primarily on me, not on you. Lust is selfish. I should be loving you, not wanting you for my own pleasure."

"But I wanted to give it to you, I don't mind pleasuring you." I protested.

"Sam, I know. What scared me was the fact that the love I had for you, the person, diminished. As my lust for you started to grow, it was dimming my love for you. I realised that if I did not check myself, I would be be with you because of the pleasure, not because of the person that is you."

"You are being over-dramatic. My sexuality is part of me."

"Your sexuality, yes. Oh, how do I explain this to you ..." I saw the look of frustration in his face.

"Don't excite yourself, you are still healing from your injuries." I warned.

"Sam, I am not judging you nor your beliefs. For me, having sex with another guy is wrong. It goes against what I believe true and pure love is all about. Can you accept me as a friend knowing this?"

"Ben, I said this before, I cannot just sit here and pretend that we are just friends knowing what we have been through."

Ben kept quiet. I was getting a little irritated, though my mother's words, 'Listen to your heart, not your anger', were still ringing in my ear. "Ben, is it so important to you that you are right and I am wrong?"

Ben sighed, "I am not asking you to accept concepts. I cannot ask you to accept my beliefs. I am asking you to accept me as who I am, as what I am. I know that you want your lover to make love to you, suck you and maybe penetrate you anally. I cannot be that person because of my beliefs. I had only hoped that we could still be friends and not become strangers."

'What does your heart say?' I heard my mother's voice in my heart. I searched my heart and realised that I, too, did not want Ben and myself to become strangers. "At the end of it all, I guess that I would not like it if we were strangers." Ben's face lit up a little, "However," I continued, "You have to give me a little time to get used to this idea of your beliefs."

"I understand," Ben said. I detected a bit of disappointment in his voice. "You take your time. I am glad that in the end, you do not hate me."

"No, I don't hate you. I just feel very hurt by you and instinctively I wish to retaliate."

"Hey!" he said in an urgent tone, "Let me recover first before retaliating. I do not want to end up in hospital again!" His eyes were smiling.

The worse was over, at least for the moment. I smiled and changed the topic of conversation. I spent the next fifteen minutes asking about his treatment program and what was going to happen to him after the summer.

Ben recovered almost completely at the end of summer. He had to use a walking stick in his first fortnight at school, but by October, he could even run.

There were changes in his life. First, he could not get another car. He had to pay the rental company and so could not afford another car. Secondly, I had ceased to become a major part of his life. I called once or twice to see that he was okay. We had had meals together but always because they were invitations of his aunt. His circle of friends had increased. The teachers in the school he taught now were more down to earth and so accepted him more readily, though I do not think that they know he was gay. However, according to his aunt, he still spent his weekends alone.

My life, on the other hand, became less interesting. My life in the lab became more routine. Like Ben, my circle of friends increased. I had met several persons at the pool and we became regulars at the public pool. We paced each other when swimming in the pool but nothing beyond that. I had some of my neighbours in for lunch or tea, but these were usually casual and lasted two hours at the most. Though it seemed that I spent less time alone, the people I mixed with were more acquaintances than friends. I never shared anything more than a recipe or the name of a shop or restaurant. Deep down, I knew that I still loved Ben, but my pride was in the way.

My hands took care of me sexually. However, masturbation became mechanical and superficial. I tried to think of Ben when stroking myself but I could not reach orgasm because the painful memories would enter and spoil everything. After a while, I lost interest in jacking off.

One day in mid-November, I spotted Ben and a very good looking man entering a jewellry store. I glanced in the shop and found them trying on rings. I was surprised and at the same time, shocked. I hid at a corner when they came out. I had to find out what they were doing inside the shop. I went into the jewellry shop and looked at the rings. I pretended to notice that a couple of rings were not there anymore.

"Oh you mean the set of wedding rings. Somebody just beat you to it. He just bought them. His friend came along with him and they just left the store," the store attendant said.

I felt numb. "Oh what a pity, I guess my fiancee would have to choose another pair then," trying to sound disappointed. It was not difficult because I was really disappointed.

How could Ben do this to me? I thought he loved me? I thought he did not believe in two guys having sex? Why is he buying rings for another guy? ...

These were not the only questions. Why did you give him up? You could have helped him change his views about sex? You could have held on to him, but you let him go, whose fault is it?

I spent the next few days in a daze, wondering if I had made a mistake in avoiding him. Could I blame him? I let him go! Should I blame him? He changed his beliefs!

Then I found myself hearing the words 'Listen to your heart, not your anger'.

I took up the handset and dialled the phone number. A voice I did not know answered the phone, "Hello!"

"Hello, could I speak to Ben please?"

"Ben is taking his shower. Who may I tell him is calling? I'll ask him to return the call as soon as he finishes."

Damn it! They are both at home and he is taking a shower. They must be both living together. "Never mind. I call later."

I was about to replace the handset when I heard the other guy speaking loudly, "Wait!"

I put the receiver back beside my ear, "Yes?"

"He's just come out. Hold on. Don't hang up!" In the background I could hear the guy shouting for Ben.

There was a click on the other end and I heard the voice of Ben, "Ben here, who's this?"

"Sam."

"Sam!" His voice became sweeter. "Yes, Sam. What can I do for you?"

"I had wanted to come to visit, but I guess you have company, some other time perhaps?"

"Well," he sounded hesitant. "I did have something on, but I guess it is not as important. Come over. I'll wait for you."

"No. I don't want to be a bother."

"I insist. You are never a bother. I'll wait for you."

"If you insist."

"I insist, okay? See you then."

"Yes, bye."

I grabbed my jacket and went straight for his place. I rang the door and he opened it.

"Come in Sam." His eyes were bright and his smile was warm. "Haven't seen you for a while, how's things?"

I walked in and the place was not exactly neat. Things were out of place and there were some boxes on the chairs and the floor.

"Sorry for the mess," he said clearing some stuff from the chairs. "I didn't have the time to tidy up. Sit. Sit."

"Thanks," I said as I sat down. "Can I ask what happened here?"

Ben grinned. "Well, there's a wedding tomorrow and ..."

"You're getting married?"

"No," he laughed. "Who would I get married to? No girl should have to tolerate me! I am going to be the best man. The bride is one of my colleagues from school. The groom is from out of town. I offered him a place to stay."

"Does he know you are ..."

"Of course not. No one in school knows that I am gay."

"So he is the one who answered the phone."

"Yes, Amos. That's the groom. Amos is a nice guy. He planned carefully for the wedding but he must have been very excited about the wedding because he forgot to arrange for a room for himself before the wedding night!" Ben chuckled.

I smiled.

"So what can I do for you?" Ben asked.

It was a comedy of errors. I had made a big mistake and had wasted all that time brooding over something that never was! I decided to tell him everything.

"You'll will think of me stupid. I spotted you at the ring shop a few days ago. I found out that that Amos guy and you bought a pair of rings. I became so depressed because I thought you were going to get married to this guy. I had thought you had changed your beliefs and since I had let you go, you were going with another guy. ..."

"You were jealous?"

I felt my face warm up. "Yes, I guess," I said quietly.

"That is so sweet!" Ben said. He moved his hands over mine and held them.

"Ben, I don't think I have ever gotten over you. I still love you and I hope you can take me back."

Ben brought my hands to his face and kissed both my hands. "Sam, I have never stopped loving you. I admit that there were times that I thought I had lost you forever, but seeing you not being hostile to me helped me to bear with the pain. I want you, but you know what I believe in. Are you able to accept that."

"It'll be hard, but nothing is worse than being away from you."

Ben got up and hugged me. He then looked me into the eyes and kissed me. I was surprised. I had thought that he said no sex. But I did not resist.

"Surprised?" I nodded my head. "I don't consider a kiss sex. So long as there is nothing with the tongue. There are many ways to express my love for you: cuddling, holding hands and many more. Let me show you the ways as time passes so that you will never forget that I love you."

Both of us were crying, not out of sorrow but out of joy. We have found each other again.

"First things first," he said, "Remember that I had something I had to do?" I nodded. "Well, the best man has to bring the groom to and back from the bachelor's party safely. I wish you could come along. I could use the help. I had let the groom go on his own but I think I would not be a good best man if I left him in the hands of the guys at the party. I heard they had called a stripper and I don't think his future wife would like it if I left him drunk with a naked woman. So coming?"

"Why not?"

We took a taxi to the party. Ben decided to 'save' the groom the moment the stripper bared her breasts. Ben was good, I don't think that any of the other guys noticed the groom missing until it was too late.

I was offered a place at the wedding ceremony. Ben did a good job. He was efficient as the best man. Gentle, kind, polite and yet, in his subtle way, able to make sure that the everything ran strictly to schedule.

Two weeks later, I sat in his couch as he was fixing a drink. I was thinking of the story of how the bride met the groom at a fair-ground and almost literally swept her of her feet. I ventured to ask a Ben how he would feel if I suddenly fell in love with another person.

"Well, in order to really fall in love with one, you need to fall out of love with the other," he said philosophically. "I'm going to make sure that that never happens!"

"Well," I felt like pushing the issue a little further, "if that person pursues me?"

"I will fight my level best to keep you."

"What if, in addition to that, he satisfies my needs, or urges, as you'd like to call them?"

His philosophical mood was ever so present. "Sam I will fight, I will counter every lustful promise with proofs of love. In the end, I will respect your decision. But I won't disrespect you by cheating you and pretend to become a person that I hate to be."

"What if I cheat on you?"

"Sam, in that rare event that it does happen, I'll be heart-broken. My love, I trust you to tell me when you have found another person. Even if I were heart-broken, I'd let you go because to keep you would be like caging a wild bird. You will begin to hate me. By letting you go, you will at least not think badly of me."

"Ben," I laughed, "You are a hopeless romantic and a foolish idealist but I love you."

With a twinkle in his eye, he adds, "Only a romantic and idealist will ever think of the millions of ways to express his love."

That was three years ago. We have been together all this time even though we do not stay in the same house. Whenever we were alone, we would cuddle and hold each other. We kiss but Ben was faithful to the demands of his faith and his faith in me never wavered either. True to his word, he expressed his love to me in many ways. Not one had sex written on it, though he did send me a suggestive card one time. I had to take things by my own hand, sometimes. He did too. He called them lapses. Still I was happy to be with him.

I have found other attractive men in my company. I have not been pursued, maybe because I am far from a model's figure. But I have shared my thoughts with Ben. I also share my fantasies with Ben and he laughs with me when I realise how foolish it can be "to measure the strength of the heart against the needs of the dick".

So far, Ben has never had the opportunity to fight for me. I am not complaining however. I am happier than I have been before. It is better to be in love this way than to never have loved at all. I wonder where I have heard that line before? ;-)

THE END

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a work of fiction, but the idea was inspired by two real people. I met both separately. The first, I met in the late seventies. We discovered our inclinations and experimented with each other. We drifted apart though I cannot remember why.

I met the second a year later at a party. We became friends, though not lovers. When I moved out of my parents' house a few years later, I threw a party at my new pad and introduced the first to the second. Turns out that both knew each other: they were server boys in the same church when they were younger. They became very close.

I gradually lost contact with them when I found work in another city. It seems that someway along the line, one of them suddenly had this spiritual renewal thing and decided that they should remain celibate lovers. Two years ago, whilst back for Christmas with my family, I met them. They are not married, still together and celibate. Needless to say, I was intrigued. Just a few months ago, I got them to share their story and their struggles, etc., with me. I promised myself that I would keep in contact with them.

They say 'fact is stranger than fiction'. This is certainly the case. When I decided to write this story, I asked them for permission to use their struggles and experiences in the story. They gave me the permission to do so. I know it sounds too stupid to be true, but it is. Go figure.

comments welcome. Please email me solark36@yahoo.co.uk