CHAPTER 2: Coming Out
This the second chapter of Samantha's Journey. I hope that it is not too long for you, dear reader, but I felt it important for us to learn about Samantha and her relationships at a deeper level and how this will affect her transition. Also, these early chapters of this story take place is 2012, which means Samantha was born in 1988. I chose this timeframe to bring Samantha along through our current times in her womanhood and learning what it means to be her true self.
Obviously this story is completely fictional and no resemblance to actual people is intended. There are elements of my personal fetishes involved in this story. I have written several stories before regarding my fetish for turtlenecks and turtleneck sweaters as well as various styles of socks. I understand these are niche fetishes and I hope that, even if they aren't your thing, you will humor me and appreciate the story as a whole. Additionally, there are going to be elements of intentional pornographic homoeroticism and eroticism throughout the story. Naturally, if this does not appeal to you or is not legal for you to access by locality or age (18 and over!) please stop reading here.
I hope that you enjoy my story, dear reader, and I am open to feedback and criticism to improve as a writer. Positive feedback is always welcome! If you feel so inclined, please email me at: queerturtleneck@yahoo.com.
I was full of just a crazy energy that I guess came from the fact that I'm not crazy and that things are going to happen. My appointment with Dr. Rogers is coming up next week, which is really fast if you ask me and the fact that Dr. Walton confirmed my own amateur research of changes coming quickly meant that i really didn't have any time to waste. At least here in Columbus. I'll have to come out to my neighbors too, but we rarely see each other because of my work schedule, so I don't think it'll be much of a problem.
Dr. Thomas is the oncologist that manages my team of therapists. I was pretty confident that he would be cool about things considering he's gay. Laura, my best friend not just at work but here in Columbus, would probably be okay. I wasn't too sure about Juanita or Derrick. We aren't super close and Juanita is super Catholic and Derrick is, I actually have no idea. He could be okay or a total ass about it, who knows. We're pretty friendly in the clinic but we don't hang out or anything after work.
Dr. Thomas was in his office sorting through the usual pile of files and dictating notes into his computer. This was the life of a modern day doctor it seemed to me, mountains of paperwork and not much patient contact. It was kind of annoying being the nurse practioner who was with us, Nurse Schmidt, did most of the contact work and we obviously carried out the actual procedures, but Dr. Thomas somehow got most of the credit. Then again, he gets all the blame when things don't go as planned and a patient dies. That and the fact that when I leave work, I'm done. Dr. Thomas doesn't seem to get much of a personal life. So all in all, I think I'm quite happy with where I am.
"Sorry, Dr. Thomas? Do you have a second?"
He looked up at me and rubbed his eyes and nodded and beckoned me in the office. I took it upon myself to close the door. "Must be serious," he said, tiredly. We had a pretty hefty patient load so I could only imagine the hours he was putting in. Dr. Nick Thomas was in his mid-forties and was a lacrosse player when he was at Miami (the one in Ohio, not Florida). He was pretty good looking guy, I would admit, and his husband was also quite athletic. There are quite a number of women at work who were crushed when they find out that he is gay. He was easy to work for too, and he trusted us to do our job and wasn't pretentious like some of the other doctors in our ward.
"Um, I guess I'm just going to say it. I've been seeing a therapist and I'm, I'm going to be going through some changes I guess." My reddened face irritated me more than my sudden inability to simply say who I am. Come on Sam!
"Whoa, you're not on drugs or drinking are you?"
I laughed in spite of my embarrassment. "No, Dr. Thomas, you know me, clean as a whistle. No, I'm going to...well, I'm transgender. And I'm going to start transitioning really soon." Holy shit, I did it. No turning back now, Sam!
Dr. Thomas looked at me for a long time. It was probably ten seconds but still, it felt like a long time. "Okay, okay. That is coming out of the blue, to be honest. Wow, I had no idea. No problem by me, we'll have to deal with HR and whatever. You're not going to lose your job over this, don't worry about that. I don't know a whole lot about transgender stuff but you've got my support as best I can. Have you told anyone else on the team?"
I shook my head. "No, but I am today."
Dr. Thomas nodded. "Okay. I admit, you kind of caught me off guard here. Sorry if I'm being a little underwhelming I guess. I'm pretty tired, but don't think I'm not happy for you Sam. Here's some advice from a gay guy who came out a little later in life. Too late really and take it for what you will. Be cool about it, but don't hide it. You know? Come out, be yourself, do your job and that's all people around here care about. Everything else will sort itself out. Now that I'm thinking about it, you might have a little easier time since you just wear scrubs here anyway."
I hadn't really thought about that part, but he was right on that account. Maybe the word `easy' wasn't quite right but a little less hard would be a better description.
"Thank you," I said, trying to keep myself in check. I wasn't sure if I was getting emotional because of my natural femininity or what but I was really feeling out of sorts, in the most elated way. I guess I didn't know what real happiness was until today!
"You're a great therapist, Sam, and if anyone gives you any trouble, you be sure to tell me. I guess you'll change your name?"
Dammit, there goes a tear! I sniffled and wiped my eye, pretending to fix an imaginary contact lense. "I mean, yeah, um Samantha but I still want to be called Sam. Or Sammie, whatever."
"Well, that'll be easy to do. I know coming out is hard, Sam, but its completely worth it. Trust me."
Dr. Thomas wasn't really the touchy feely type, but he surprised me by coming from his desk and giving me a hug, a genuine supportive hug. "You just keep us up to date with what's going on, okay. Don't think you have to do this alone."
Coming out to Laura was next. We worked really well together and I like her a lot. I don't mean like her like her but she's my best friend in Columbus. She's in her mid-forties, thin but you can tell she's athletic and wears her long blonde hair tied in a tight ponytail at work. She was a volleyball player in college in West Virginia and played on a semi-professional team here. I kind of envied her energy and positivity in life. She has a knack for keeping things light, especially with difficult cases. Or patients.
We have quite a few things in common. We both love science fiction and sixties era thrillers. We have movie "dates" regularly and she is trying to get me into volleyball. I actually am starting to like playing volleyball but I still really suck at it. I took golf lessons last year and I'm thinking that I might actually go with that sport. I like the solitary nature of the game and that I would look really cute in a feminine golf outfit. Anyway, Laura is married to a truck driver, Mike, who is really cool and they have three kids in high school. They're a Presbyterian family and pretty active in their church. She used to be a nurse but changed careers to radiation therapy because the hours were more regular. Laura took me under her wing when I arrived to the hospital three and a half years ago and we've been close since then.
The flourescent lights in the office we, the therapist team, shared had an irritating buzz. Laura has a conspiracy theory that they do that on purpose to keep us out of the office and on the floor. Regardless, we have to sit in the closet sized room for a few hours a week to update charts and write up inventory requests. Derrick and Juanita avoided this part of the job like the plague, leaving it up to me and Laura. I actually don't mind this part of the job, actually. It gives my feet a rest and a little time to BS around with Laura.
I had a knot in my stomach and focused on my pile of charts. I found coming out to Dr. Thomas so much easier than this. Maybe because we aren't familiar? Come on Sam, you have to do it, why not now? No, Laura, shit!
"You okay Sam, you've been mighty quiet over there," chided Laura who was leaned back into her chair with her feet crossed on the desk in front of her. "I thought I might be here all by my lonesome."
I smiled in spite of myself. "No, I'm still here, just uh, I'm transgender." Whoa, that slipped out.
Laura dropped the chart she was working on into her lap and the pen in her hand fell to the floor. Silence filled the room as the two words I uttered hung in the air. "Are you sure Sam," she almost whispered. "I mean, I just had no idea..."
I nodded. "I've been seeing a psychiatrist and, yeah, I'm sure. But I've known since I was a kid and I just never, I never thought I could do it."
Laura sat there for a moment and wiped a tear from her eye. "Come here Sam," she said, standing up. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight. It was a motherly hug, one that I rarely got to experience growing up. "I'm so proud of you Sam."
I absolutely lost it then. Those words and the physical contact of my friend was the affirmation that I had craved without knowing it. I hadn't cried like this since Jeremy Thompson told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore in third grade.
"Thank you," I whispered as our bonding relaxed and I was able to get a hold of myself.
"I'm still your friend Sam, and I always will be. But don't you dare think you are going to do this by yourself, okay? I know you are the lone wolf type, but I'm here for you and Mike'll be there for you too, if he knows what's good for him."
I couldn't help but laugh. "I know, I'll let you know what's happening. I'm going to the endocrinologist next week to start hormones, so things might be a little off for me for a while."
We talked more about my struggles with my dysphoria and how confusing things were growing up. Laura and her husband are both Christians but they aren't loud about it like mom is. She knows about my loss of faith and I think she now has a better understanding of why. That was one of the many great things about Laura and Mike, they just accepted me for me and I had a good feeling that didn't change when I revealed the side of me that I had kept hidden for so long.
"When are your going to tell Juanita and Derrick," Laura asked as we started to file the charts into their proper slots. "And don't forget about Mr. Barnes, Nick changed the dosages."
"I need to tell them soon," I said with a shrug. "I got Mr. Barnes, don't worry. Do you know when they're both on? I really don't want to have to do this more than I have to."
"Ever thought about putting it on Facebook? That'd be everyone in on go."
"Like ripping a bandaid huh? Thanks but no. Besides, I'd have to get a Facebook account first."
"God you are so weird about social media Sammy. Do you really think people are going to spy on you with it?"
I rubbed my nose and winked playfully. "I don't think. I know." Actually I did kind of think about that, but mostly I avoid social media because I saw everyone around me glued to their phones checking for updates. I have enough trouble staying off YouTube and Skyrim, so adding another internet addiction was a thanks but no thanks for me.
"Oh brother," feigned Laura with mock indignation. "And Wednesday, by the way. Someday you really do need to learn the schedule."
I got home that night and changed back into my green turtleneck, my brown plaid pants and my black Mary Janes. Of course there was the momentary sensual rush that I get from wearing my clothes, particularly my turtlenecks, but that passed. I went to the bathroom in my one-bedroom apartment and spent the next 20 minutes putting my makeup back on and my earrings. I'm not especially skilled in my makeup, but I am good enough to feminize my look without it looking clownish or like I'm doing drag. YouTube is amazing for this, and I have no idea how transwomen before me figured out makeup without help. I guess I'm a little skilled. It used to take me an hour to do the basic job I did tonight.
I made a snack of unsalted and unbuttered popcorn. I'm thin or skinny, depending on if your a glass half full or half empty kind of person, but without much muscle definition. Mom thinks I'm emaciated. I'm not overly sedentary but I don't lift or do any kind of intense exercise. I cycle three days a week and I play volleyball twice a week. It keeps me where I want to be in terms of my weight. I'm already going to be a tall woman, no need to add even more attention by being buff.
I sat on the sofa with my popcorn and stared at my phone. It was two in the morning and I wasn't expecting any calls. No, I was staring at it because in about eight hours I will be make the call. Or the calls I guess if Patty isn't home. This is just dumb really. I'm an adult, I live on my own, I have a great job and I'm not dependent on Mom for anything. But I am so anxious that my phone call with her very well could be the last one I ever have with her.
Strangely, I'm not that worried about my uncles, aunts or cousins. I'm not that close with any of them. Three of of my grandparents are dead now, and Grandma James, Mom's mom, is suffering from Alzheimer's. I figured the rest of the family would be fine with me being a woman as anyone else would be. I think Dr. Thomas had a good point, going by Sam or Sammie, for Samantha, would not be much different than Sam for Samuel. It's still me, I didn't change me. I'm just going to be me.
Mike, Laura's husband, had sent me a text that made me feel more positive about everything, like it was going to okay. It was in his way of writing: short and to the point. "Heard the news. No prob. See you Sat. OState!" Mike is a huge big Buckeye fan, as am I, even though we didn't go. Laura cheers them on too, but her heart belongs to the Mountaineers. It's a good thing they aren't in the Big 10. The Ohio State football is a religion in Ohio and I don't see the Bengals, or the Bungles really, and the Browns taking their spot in the hearts of Ohioans.
I watched a couple of episodes of Scrubs, which I think might be a little funnier to me as someone who works in a hospital before getting ready for bed. I pulled my pyjamas out from under my pillow. My pyjamas are a beige sleeping bra, a white turtleneck, a pair of red plaid sleeping pants and a pair of red slouch socks. For the summer months I wear a white tank top, green plaid sleeping shorts and green slouch socks.
First I went back to the bathroom and took my makeup off. I know its silly only wear it for a couple of hours but I need to do it. I took my earrings and bracelet off and dropped them into my small jewelry box on the little hutch next to the shower. As I walked back to the bedroom, I slipped my white slouch socks off and tossed them in the hamper next to my bed. I then took off my brown plaid pants and went to my close and hung them on their hanger next to my other pants. Finally I stripped my green turtleneck off and I folded it carefully before putting it into my turtleneck drawer of the dresser in front of my queen sized bed. Then I slipped my white bra off and tossed it the hamper as well. I wear my bras for two days between washing them, so today is the day. I pulled my sleeping bra on, then my white turtleneck.
I know its crazy but I get very how sensuous it feels to pull a turtleneck on, feeling the collar rub over my face and the ritual of folding the turtleneck collar. I can be honest with saying that my turtleneck fetish is playing a role in my desire to be a woman. How big of a role I have no idea but I am hoping that this aspect of me does not change at all during my transition. Same with my love of socks. I read somewhere that a transwoman became less and less interested in dressing in sexy dresses and started dressing more "normally." Well, I'm already dressing casual so maybe I'm one step ahead in that aspect of things.
After putting my turtleneck on I slipped on my red slouch socks, pulling them up to my knees. They slouch sock cutely just by me moving around when I sleep so I didn't bother scrunching my socks down. Then I put on my red plaid sleeping pants and crawled into bed. I thought about reading a chapter in my current novel, The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson. I decided against it and went to sleep.
I went through work the next day and I was really grateful for Dr. Thomas and Laura going about their day with me as we had done together for the past four years. But today was the day. I was going to call Mom and tell her. I thought about driving the hour and half down to Lebanon for this, to tell her face to face. But that's two day wait and a lot of anxiety in between. Instead, I waited until my first break at four.
There is a service stairwell that no one uses now but its a great place of a private conversation. My stomach was knotted and I felt like I was about to puke when I pushed the entry in my contact list labeled "Mom." The phone rang. There was a chance that she wouldn't pick up and I could go back to work and move on to with my day. Just a chance.
"Hi Sammy, how are you?" No chance. "It's been a while since you last called." And there it is.
"Fine mom. Yeah, its been busy and stuff. But I think my schedule's pretty set and I'm used to it now. Listen, I'm going to tell you something and I really need you to listen to me." I was surprised by the resolute tone in my voice.
"Okay, hang on, I'm still at work you know. Let me just...Phil, Phil! I need these triple copied, not double! And please close the door on your way out, tell Dan I'll be there in five minutes! Okay, sorry Sammy, its a hectic Tuesday."
"It's fine. Look mom, I've been seeing a therapist and..."
"Oh God, are you gay?" Right to the point, huh Mom?
"No mom, I'm not gay, I'm transgender."
Silence. This was a different kind of silence than with Laura. This was more a dead silence. I checked my phone to make sure she hadn't hung up on me.
"Mom? I need you to understand. I've been dealing this for a long time and I can't go on like this anymore."
"I...I don't know what to say, Sammy," she said, her soft voice shaky. "Tell them I'll be there in a minute Phil! Sammy, I have to go. I...I can't do this...I have to go."
"Mom?"
"I'll call you Friday night Sammy, let me know when you are off...I love you."
The phone call ended and I sat on the stair. I felt sick to my stomach but I didn't cry. I didn't feel like I was doing anything bad. I don't now why my anxiety went through the roof but I knew I had done the right thing and she said she loved me. I was probably over analyzing things but she didn't say it off hand or like she had to say it. I sent her a text message telling her I had Friday off, so she could call whenever she wanted. Sooner would be better.
The next day I told Juanita and Derrick. They were in the break room and I was between patients so I had a little time to go with the bandaid method of coming out. Tell them, be quick and get back to work. Easy peasy. Right.
I actually have a great group of people I work with closely. The nurses are more come and go, they have their shifts but we don't work intimately with them. Dr. Thomas is around, and we report to him directly. But Laura, Juanita and Derrick are easy going and we gel.
I'm just not as close to Juanita and Derrick as I am with Laura. Juanita is 35 and immigrated from Guatemala when she was a teenager. She is gregarious, vivacious and fills the room with her big personality, a little like Laura but with more vigor. She is a devout Catholic and sometimes she takes it really personally when a patient takes a wrong turn.
Derrick on the other hand is pretty reserved like me. He's black and the only native of Columbus in our team, as Laura is from Martinsburg, West Virginia. If he had his way, we'd do nothing but talk about the Cavaliers or MMA or whatever. But he is cool and he has an easy, genuine way of relating to the patients that I wish I could do. He's also our unofficial leader, as he's been on the job the longest. No one knows exactly how old he is, he's quite the evergreen.
Derrick was laughing at one of Juanita's usual hysterical stories. "Hey guys, you mind if I join you for a second?"
"Sure Sammy," waved Juanita. I loved how she flatted the a in Sammy, it sounded more exotic that way. "What is up?" Oh Juanita, you and contractions were never meant for each other. Derrick covered his mouth and smiled.
"Yeah, I just have a couple of minutes but, um, I need to tell you something kind of important."
"Sure Sam, everything okay?" Derrick shifted in his chair to sit up a little straighter.
"Yeah, I've been seeing a therapist and, um, I'm transgender and I'm going to be starting my transition. I just thought I probably should tell you."
Juanita let a soft gasp escape her lips. "Vaya dios mio," she said quietly. "Are you sure Sammy?"
I nodded. "I mean, I've been struggling with it for a long time and I, I can't keep going living like this."
"Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do," said Derrick, the deep bass of his voice filling the room. "So, like, is this going to affect you at work or anything?"
I shook my head. "No, its just that, um I'll be changing in a few ways. I mean, I don't know exactly but I'll probably have a little different emotions and whatever. I'll have a few physical changes too but nothing's overnight."
Derrick nodded, but I could tell he was not overly excited by the conversation. "And I guess you gonna change your name or something?"
I chuckled nervously. I still wasn't entirely sure how they were taking my announcement. "Yes, I man, I'm still Sammie, just with an `ie' at the end. Samantha fully."
"Oh Sammy," murmured Juanita, taking my hand. "This is, this is big news for sure. This is very difficult for you I know. I am here for you, and I will pray for you. So will Rudi." Rudi was Juanita's husband, who was an electrician in the hospital.
I thanked her, I knew it was important for Juanita and I was relieved that neither she nor Derrick seemed to be, I don't know, upset I guess is the right word. I swallowed hard and cleared my throat to get the words out coherently. "Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. I didn't choose this, you know? I just had to tell you because, you know, things will be a little different with me."
"I'd say a lot different," said Derrick, nodding. I guess I'll take noncommittal over the alternative from Derrick.
"Maybe we talk more later, if you want," said Juanita. "But, thank you for telling. Could you imagine, could you imagine what would happen if you come in a dress and we are like shocked!" She started laughing, and her laugh was infectious and ran through Derrick and I. It was exactly what this situation called for. "You would make us so shocked! But I think you might be pretty in a nice dress, Sammy!"
"Thank you, I need to back out there, but thanks again."
I tried to keep Friday as normal for me as possible. Mom was going to call at three, she cleared her schedule for an early Friday. Hopefully Patty would be there too, because coming out was emotionally exhausting. But Dr. Walton was right, better to do it now than people thinking I was some kind of weirdo or whatever.
I woke up at 8 and went out for a bike ride. I really like my schedule at work because I am four on, three off. This gave me three full days to do whatever I wanted, being single and all. I didn't mind that actually. I dated here and there and I was not a virgin, finally. But dating just didn't feel right, like I was so dishonest with a nice girl and sex was so off-putting and I'm sure I did not leave the best impression with my prowess. It's just that, while I loved the physical touching and the intimacy, the visualization of who I wanted to be, my female self, and looking at myself just makes it grotesque.
Two things really help me put myself at ease. Well, three now: role playing video games, bike rides and now the knowledge that I am going to do something about it. I rode the Blacklick Greenway, one of my favorite routes which took most of the morning. As I peeled off my cylcling clothes, I was thinking about how exciting it would be to wear a women's kit. I guess I'm kind of pragmatic about these things, the more feminine I become, the more I'll be ready to dress like who I am outside my apartment.
I started the coffee machine before going to the bathroom to get ready for a day of nothing. This was my hair removal day, and Wednesdays. I'm a little fanatical about it to be honest. I absolutely hate my body hair, especially around my pubic area and my chest and stomach. I have an epilator that has gotten plenty of work and my skin is used the pulling on my chest, stomach and anus. I'm a little sensitive around my testicles and armpits, so shaving is the way to go there. The same for my legs, which I a women's razor for that. I have a second razor for my face.
After taking care of my body hair situation, I showered and then applied my body lotion. I ran my hands over my smooth skin, loving the sensation of the femininity of my skin. I went to my closet and took out a pair of brown denim overalls. From my dresser I took out my pink ribbed turtleneck, a pair of pink slouch socks and a cotton bra and panty set with roses printed on them. It feels so refreshing to dress femininely after a long week at work. Even before putting on my makeup I felt 100% more me. Adding a pair of silver hoops and then foundation, some mascara, a bit of eyeliner and working on my lips made me look as close to my self-perception as possible without styling my hair and of course the effects of hormones.
My morning was part of a well oiled routine: coffee, toast and an egg followed by a deep apartment clean. While my laundry was going, I read on the sofa, but usually at this point the sensuousness of my turtleneck and my cute socks would get the better of me and I would have to go relieve pent up tension. Since I wasn't exhausted from work or in a hurry to get somewhere before going into work, I had the luxury of properly pleasuring myself rather than standing over the toilet and going full on man-style.
Masturbation has taken quite a turn for me over the last few years as my dysphoria has taken more of a serious turn and I am not trying to bury it anymore. I have found that using a prostate massage toy brings me into another world of orgasmic delight and leaves my penis out of the picture until its time to release, if I need to touch myself at all.
I walked into the bedroom and unclipped my overalls shoulder straps, letting the loose fitting garment fall to the floor. From the bottom drawer of my nightstand, I took out a towel and laid on the bed. After that, my lube and my massager. I moved a pastel blue throw pillow under my hips and laid down. I love the feeling of my turtleneck collar when I'm in this sexual position, the feeling of the light pressure of the fabric around my neck and femininity of turtlenecks turns me on so much! I lubed the bulbous head of the massager and inserted it into myself, feeling the glorious fullness inside of me and I let it sit for a moment there before turning on the power.
The sensation always gets me, and I gasped with delight as my little magical tool radiated pleasure throughout my body. "Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah," I moaned as I rubbed my hands over my turtleneck collar and my chest. I looked at my cute pink slouch socks as my hips bounced on the pillow, pleasure jolting through my core and imaging making love in my turtleneck and my socks, being called Samantha. "Oh baby, oh baby," I moaned to my imaginary lover. I focused my attention to my the feeling of my turtleneck collar, imagining my lover kissing my turtleneck, telling how hot I was in turtlenecks, and my cute socks and...."Ohhhhhhh, ohhhhh, yes," I groaned as hot cum poured from my penis. The pleasure wave radiated through my body, I could feel it spread through my fingers and my socked toes. The warm rush slowly dissipated inside of me, leaving me physically vibrating on my bed as the massager continued to take hold of my prostate.
I clicked off the machine before it got to be too much. I've heard that being on hormones can make these things last forever and have the chance to keep climaxing. I also heard that when I do orgasm, I won't be making cum. Oh I do hope that is true. In spite of this, I can't resist having a bit of a taste of my cum when I orgasm.
I sometimes wonder if I would be a straight woman or a lesbian. I'm leaning more towards the latter because I'm really not into guys aside from my carnal fantasies when I'm horny and/or masturbating. It's probably the anal stimulation and insertion that gives me those feelings, but when I look at someone attractive, its a woman. That being said I've read on several sites that straight men became more bisexual or straight women when they transitioned. I couldn't tell you if that was something I was anxious about or not. I guess whatever happens will, and I should be excited to embrace that part of my coming womanhood.
I spent the next few minutes cleaning myself up and putting my toy away and remaking the bed. My apartment is not overly big and definitely not too small, just about 900 square feet. When you walk in, to the left is a coat closet but it fits my bike and my pump, and all the other accessories plus my biking clothes and my coat. On the right is a utility closet where I keep my cleaning supplies, toilet paper and such. Next to that is the laundry closet and then past that is the bathroom with a bathtub.
Walking forward into my apartment is the living room and kitchen. It was the kitchen that really sold me on the apartment, the cabinetry is a warm natural wood and the appliances are a classy black and it has an island with a good amount of counter space. I'm not much of a cook at all, but I know enough to make a decent mess when I want to. The living room in the living room are my sofa in front of my entertainment center with my TV, my PlayStation and DVD player against the wall. Next to the sofa, facing the window is an armchair that I like to sit in to read. Next to the entertainment center is a bookshelf with little knick knacks that I've picked up from Pier 1 or Hobby Lobby or whatever and my collections of fantasy novels. I'm in the process of rebuying several of them onto my Kindle. I usually keep my MacBook Air on the coffee table.
In the kitchen are two doors: one leading to the small balcony that I have done nothing with in the two years I've lived in this apartment. This summer I plan on getting some plants or something. The other door leads to my bedroom. It's actually pretty big, another major selling point. My queen size bed sits in the middle with two nightstands with lamps on them. In front of the bed is my four-drawer dresser. I used to have a TV in my room but I found myself being dumb and watching TV just for the sake of watching so I have some Japanese style decorations there now. I have a nice walk in closet that looks a little bare but I do plan to fill with wonderful women's clothes as I transition and dress permanently.
The two-drawer nightstands are for symmetry because I only use one. That bottom drawer has my sex toys and the top drawer is where I keep my wallet, my Ray Ban Clubmaster glasses when I don't wear my contacts and my Glock 19. It's kind of embarrassing but I actually kind of like shooting, I guess its fun for concentration and whatever. I don't know. I bought the gun a couple of years ago because the neighborhood I lived in, Tri-South, was not the safest and the building across the street had a armed robbery and one of the people got sent to the hospital.
My dresser drawers are organized: bras and panties in the top, along with the last few pairs of boy underwear for sports and biking; socks in the second; turtlenecks (my favorite drawer) third; jeans and shorts in the bottom along with my workout clothes. My sock drawer is by far the crowded. I just love socks almost as much as I love turtlenecks. I have eight pairs of slouch socks, a dozen pairs of knee socks and thigh high socks and half a dozen pairs of cute socks from Happy Socks. I love Happy Socks but they are expensive!
After recovering from my glorious orgasm, I went back to the living room and got settled in for a day of Skyrim. Video games are a great escape for me when I am feeling stressed. I don't have an especially stressful job but more and more my dysphoria gets the better of me and I feel like everything is just hopeless and the world sucks. Right now, my anxiety of talking to mom was wearing hard on me. The bike ride staved it off a little, masturbation staved it off a little but now my stomach was knotted so tight that I wasn't able to fully concentrate on the story.
Mom called early. It was actually quite thankful, because no matter what this was the final step for me coming out as transgender, coming out as Samantha, coming out as myself. My phone buzzed on the coffee table, Mom displayed prominently on the screen. I was so thankful it was a phonecall, not FaceTime! I guess then she's see me as Samantha. Or Samantha Lite.
"Hi mom," I answered with apprehension, and preparing myself for the avalanche of religious fanaticism that was sure to come my way.
"Sammy, Patty and I are on speaker, so let me know if you can't hear us, okay?" Okay, she's playing coy, her voice is way too calm for this conversation.
"Okay, hi Patty."
"Sammy, Sammy are you okay?" Patty has a soft voice and she has the gift of genuine empathy. I thought being a counselor or social work would be a better fit for her than ministry. But this was her dream since she was a kid really.
"I'm fine Patty, really."
"I told Patty about our, our conversation, Sammy. We've done some reading and I think, I think you need to answer some questions, okay?"
I felt a huge lump in my throat when I answered okay back to her. Mom and I have always had this kind of superficial relationship I guess. It's not that I was an unwanted child but I was definitely a surprise pregnancy, which set my dad off the edge. I wasn't unloved or anything but I also felt that there was a little patience with me and, I hate to say the word, maybe a little lingering resentment towards my dad that Mom held with me. I truly felt that, and I also truly felt that she would be horrified to know that's how I felt because she wouldn't have done it intentionally.
"How long have you felt this way?"
"Since I was little, mom. And, since I was 14 or something, its just been more and more. Like, I used to be able to push it away for awhile and I'd be okay. But its overwhelming now."
Patty chimed in. "And you're sure that you aren't gay? I was just reading about that, sometimes this can mean you're confused about your sexuality."
I shook my head even though they couldn't see me. "No, I'm not gay, Pat. That's not a part of this at all."
"And, who diagnosed you, Sammy?"
"I went to a psychiatrist and we had some sessions, long ones mom." I didn't want to say two sessions and a detailed questionnaire. As much time as that thing took me to fill out, we could have done three or four more meetings! "She said I have the symptoms of gender dysphoria. It's not a sex thing, okay? I really really hate the way I look, and I just cannot go on like this."
There was a long pregnant pause. Mom finally spoke. "Sammy, I want you to know that I love you. I am so confused and I admit that I'm pretty upset about this. I don't know what I'm more upset about, you not telling me until now when you knew this was going on or that you have this, this condition." Mom was starting to cry and it was all I could do to not follow along.
"Mom, its not your fault," I heard Patty, trying to console mom. "Remember that article, about they don't know how people get this."
"I know, I know Patty. Sammy, I am not mad at you, but I am really finding this hard, okay? I am so worried about you!"
"I'll be okay mom," I said, my voice cracking. "I'm going to start hormone therapy next week. Well, I don't know if I start but I have an appointment with an endocrinologist and stuff."
Mom was calming down. "I see. I see. I have ask, oh God, I really hope you answer me truthfully Samuel. Was anyone, did anyone touch you inappropriately?"
I almost laughed, a really irrational response but the tension was so great that it makes me act weird. "No mom, and that's the truth. Mom you did the best you could with me and Patty and Tom and you gave me a a great childhood." And then I cried. It was the most honest conversation that I think I've ever had with my mother and even Patty.
"Sammy, Sammy, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just wish you weren't, and I'm not trying to be, oh this is so hard. You're my little baby boy and I'm don't want to lose him!"
"You aren't losing me mom," I said, trying to regain my composure a little bit. "I'm still me, but its going to be the me that should have been."
"It's going to take time for me Sammy, I hope you can understand that. But, I want you to know I love you. I'm trying to understand but its hard for me. But, are you going to have surgery or anything?"
"I don't know mom, that's way in the future. And, I can't think about that now, I have to keep myself focused on the process. But, like if it came to that, I wouldn't make it alone."
"Sammy," Patty chimed in. "I'm leading services this weekend but do you think I can visit you next weekend?"
I nodded, then foolishly realized that my nonverbal agreement couldn't be seen by them. "Yes, yes, Patty you can."
"We haven't told Tom yet," said mom. "He'll probably call whenever he gets in. I know you're struggling with your faith, Sammy, but I pray that Jesus blesses you and guides your path. He knows the way."
"Thanks mom, I want just want to know I'm still me, its just the real me. I need you to know that, and I know its hard. It's been hard for me too."
"I know sweetie, I know. I also know how anxious you get about things and I hope you can understand that we are trying, I'm trying. But please be safe Sammy."
"I will mom, you know me."
"Oh yes, just like when you broke your arm jumping the creek in Hall Creek on your bike." To be fair, I almost made it.
"You know what I mean, Patty. I will be careful, and people at work know."
"And how did they take the news?"
"I mean, they're okay with it. I mean, Laura and Mike are happy for me, so I'm not alone here."
"Okay, okay. I guess we have to ask you your new name then?"
I breathed deep and took the plunge. "Sammie, I mean, Sammie with `ie.' Samantha."
Mom started to cry again and Patty chimed in. "I'll see you next weekend, okay? Saturday?"
"Saturday. I love you," I said.
"We, we love you too Sammy...Sammie with an `ie."