CHAPTER 3: Transitions
Samantha has started her transition and is four months into her hormone replacement therapy. Aside from the physical changes, Samantha has another surprise in store for her!
Obviously this story is completely fictional and no resemblance to actual people is intended. There are elements of my personal fetishes involved in this story. I have written several stories before regarding my fetish for turtlenecks and turtleneck sweaters as well as various styles of socks. I understand these are niche fetishes and I hope that, even if they aren't your thing, you will humor me and appreciate the story as a whole. Additionally, there are going to be elements of intentional pornographic homoeroticism and eroticism throughout the story. Naturally, if this does not appeal to you or is not legal for you to access by locality or age (18 and over!) please stop reading here.
I hope that you enjoy my story, dear reader, and I am open to feedback and criticism to improve as a writer. Positive feedback is always welcome! If you feel so inclined, please email me at: queerturtleneck@yahoo.com.
As it turned out, getting onto hormones through my insurance was a little more involved than I thought it would be. Dr. Rodgers did a full blood work up on me, an EKG for my heart, liver testing and measured my levels of testosterone and my natural levels of estrogen before prescribing my dosages. She was a kind woman, the kind I hoped to be, with frizzy graying hair and a natural aura of intelligence and grace. I actually felt rather attracted to her despite the 30 odd years in our ages.
I sat with her in her office as she went over the details of the affects that I would experience, positively and negatively. It was so exciting! I was starting to feel a little more confident in my surreptitious dressing. I wasn't fully ready to be out and about wearing a dress just yet, but I knew I would be soon. I was starting to grow my hair out, even though I was just starting it was going to be amazing! I wore my white turtleneck, skinny jeans, a pair of pink socks with dancing unicorns from Happy Socks and my black Converse. I had my earrrings in, silver studs and my clear coat on my nails.
"Okay Samantha," started Dr. Rodgers. It was so simple, but hearing someone call me by my proper name was practically intoxicating to me. She handed me my prescriptions. "I just want to review from the last time I saw you last month. This one is estradiol, which is estrogen. This is spironolactone, which is a testosterone blocker. Now, I've written it down but you need to be careful to take them at the same time every day. And be on top of getting your refills. We're changing your body's chemistry and it is serious that you keep on top of things, otherwise it'll go haywire and I don't think you'll enjoy that much."
"So, you'll see some changes in your face and your fat, well, whatever fat you have, will redistribute around your hips and your thighs. Your eyes will open up as well, which I think you'll be pleased to see. Just remember that HRT will not change your bone structure, I've been reading some misguided posts about that, its not going to happen I'm afraid. I would not expect significant growth in your breasts because of your age, but there will be some. You should be sore as they grow, but if it is very painful, you need to see me. Um, what else, your skin will change, less oil and it will smoothen out, which I think you'll be particularly happy with. But it'll be thinner, so don't worry if you bruise more easily. I would recommend you get a good body moisterizer if you don't have one already. Avenu is a good one."
I nodded. "I use that already."
"Good. Now, this is important, Samantha, you have to be patient. Nothing I said happens tomorrow or next week. Your looking at up to six months to see noticeable changes and two or three years for the full benefits."
"I know, I wish it was faster but I understand that."
"Look at this way, two or three years a little better than the 16 years it took me. Now, for the part that nobody likes. Your libido is going to change. And I want you to think about this seriously. Are you sexually active?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Okay. Look, there's a very high likelihood that you will have a significant reduction in your libido. I can't tell you exactly when it will happen. Some women lose it almost immediately, sometimes is a gradual reduction and for others it takes a few months and then goes down quickly. You need to be ready for that. It does come back later, but it might be up to a year before you feel it. Or much sooner, everyone's body has its own schedule. And it will be different and you'll love it. You'll just have to relearn how to enjoy it. I know you've spoken with Dr. Walton about it but I just want to make sure."
I've met with Dr. Walton for a few more sessions and the topic of sex did come up, but more incidentally than anything else. After being diagnosed we talked more about the challenges of transition, how things were going with my friends that I've come out to, at work with my co-workers and of course my family. Friend-wise, I haven't talked to any one in Cincinnati except for Adam Jackson, my best friend in high school and we rode bikes in the woods together. He's living in Las Vegas now, and he was surprised, so say the least. He wished me luck but I'm pretty sure he was glad to get off the phone and probably not hear from me again. I don't know how I felt about that, we've fallen out of touch over the years anyway so it wasn't like I lost my best friend growing up over me being trans when our friendship was waning by time and distance anyway.
We also talked about being safe as a transgender woman. A lot of it was the same things that women take notice of, some things were pretty eye opening to me that I didn't worry about as a guy. Everything from keeping my door locked at all times to staying in well lit areas and avoiding being alone at night as much as possible. I bought a little mace dispenser for my keychain and made an appointment for a conceal carry license. We also talked about online safety and Dr. Walton was relieved that I'm not on social media and don't care much for it. I mean, I have a Reddit account because the transgender subreddits generally have some good advice but I'm not an active user.
Our last session was about my vision of my future as a woman, where I see myself and my romantic aspirations. I told her that I wasn't sure if I would stay in Columbus or even Ohio for the rest of my life. I would love to live somewhere rural and beautiful, mountainous with lots of outdoor activities to occupy my time. Maybe somewhere where I could get a house with some chickens and whatever. Something I could share with an accepting woman that loves me for me. Dr. Walton asked if I had any qualms with the possibility of being known as a lesbian, and I shook my head. "It's who I am," I said.
I nodded again. "I know, I mean, I'm not really looking for anyone and I don't feel all that comfortable dating right now. I kind of feel like an imposter when I'm with a girl."
Dr. Rodgers laughed. "Just be careful, because that was my exact attitude when I met my wife. But, if you want to maintain some erectile function over the initial course of your treatment, you should make it a habit of scheduled masturbation once or twice a week. Later down the road we can look at modifying your treatment to help. We can also use a testosterone cream or you can take Viagra if you so choose. But not for at least three months. I know I'm staying on the subject but sex is a lot more important for our health than people realize."
"What about my body hair? I heard that this will get rid of my it."
Dr. Rodgers shrugged and looked at me with some sympathy. "I hate to tell you, this will do nothing for your facial hair. Your body hair will thin, probably quite a bit but your facial hair, your pubic hair and your legs will not change. There are quite a few dermitologists who can do laser treatments but that won't be covered by insurance for cosmetic reasons."
"Are there any side affects I should worry about?"
"Your moods will be unpredictable for a while, for a few months most strongly till your body balances your with your estrogen levels. Keep tissues at hand, you will cry a lot and you probably won't know why. You may have stomach cramps for a few weeks or diarrhea from the spiro. If that lasts longer, come see me. The same if you are having trouble urinating."
"That sounds exciting," I chided, rubbing my hand over my white turtleneck collar, a habit of when I get excited about something. Like actually, finally, truly getting started on my journey to Samantha!
"Okay, Samantha, I think that will cover it unless you have any other questions?"
I shook my head. "I think I'm ready to go to the pharmacy."
Dr. Rodgers smiled and shook my hand. "I wish you all the best Samantha. Please don't hesitate to call if you don't feel something is going right, okay?"
"Thank you, doctor."
I went to my hospital to use their pharmacy. We get a small discount that basically cancels the sales tax and why pay more than you have to, right? As I stood in line I got a text message. It was from my brother, Tom. "Hey, mom told us. Big news I guess. Tough man, but hang in there. Lilly says hi to Uncle Sammy. On the beach for a couple months. Later." Uncle Sam, huh? Well, I guess its a little much for a three year old to get that Uncle Sammy is now Aunt Samantha. Tom is not a bad guy, I guess. We're not super close, considering he's been out of the house since I was 10 when he joined the Navy. He's on submarines and he can be at sea for six or eight months at a time. The last bit of time that we spent together was last year when him and his wife, Kim, came for Christmas from Washington State where he was stationed. They live on Guam now but I think they'll come back to the US in a couple of years. Won't that be a surprise when he sees me as his new baby sister! At least he doesn't sound like he's grossed out by me or anything, or hates me.
Actually things haven't changed too much since I came out, nothing dramatically anyway. I mean, objectively speaking, and everyone still calls me Sammie, but with the ie.' Juanita kept of that little joke for a few days but now its just that. I still get referred to as he' but I don't blame anyone. I'm trying to be more femme, but I still look like a guy.
Laura and Mike have been great about everything. They've been so supportive of me and asked me about my transition. I'm so lucky to have friends like them. Juanita is Juanita, but I think she's worried for my soul. The change I've noticed though is Derrick is kind of distant from me. Like, he's not unfriendly or anything, but I can't help but feel he's more or less tolerating me now. It's hard to put my finger on it but its a different relationship and not one I'm particularly good with. Laura tells me that he'll come around so I'll give him a chance.
Patty's been great. Honestly I've really surprised by her. She's come to see me a couple of times and she hasn't talked about me being transgender directly but I could tell that she was there for me. I haven't dressed in front of her, but she's seen my clothes. She likes my dresses, my maroon bohemian dress and my camel turtleneck dress and my small collection of shoes. She thinks the turtlenecks are good for covering my Adam's apple and suggested I wear a choker in the summer months. Obviously I am not confiding to my sister that I have a fetish for turtlenecks! But she's helped me with some ideas for makeup (and admonished me to get better quality makeup!) and she helped me find a brand of heels that don't hurt my feet as much. "Beauty before pain, Sammie. You'll get used to the way they feel."
I finally asked her how she could be okay with all of this. She looked at me questioningly and I asked how she could be so accepting and be a faithful Christian, getting a theology degree no less.
"Sammie, its not been easy, okay. Mom is still, she's grieving. Give her time, but its been really hard on her. But for me its two things. First of all, you are my little brother, I mean sister. I'll get it right, I promise. I've always felt responsible for you growing up. Secondly, and hear me out here. You were born with this. You can't control it, but God loves us unconditionally and we're all united in Christ. You aren't doing this out of some kind of sexual gratification, right?"
I shook my head. "No, absolutely not!"
"So, this is medical treatment. I'm not splitting hairs Sammie, trying to justify myself. I pray for you, because I love you and I want you to be happy. I'm so happy you have people here who support you."
I felt so bewildered about that. I never though Patty would be on my side. Mom's faith is strong but she's not a total Bible-thumper and screaming hellfire and brimstone and whatever. Patty had always been much more into the religion and passionate about it. And hearing her, an aspiring Evangical pastor, telling me that she supports me? What is going on? The hug we had was intense and I felt so close to my sister, it was almost uncomfortable for me.
Over the next several months I felt like I was on a slow motion rollercoaster. Dr. Walton and Dr. Rodgers were not kidding about my emotional response to hormone therapy. Some days, I was on top of the world and bubbly and was more confident in myself than I had ever been before! Then on other days I just am overcome by my emotions. Like last Sunday, I saw a cat trying to climb a wood fence and I cried. Other days, it feels like my dysphoria is a tsunami and I'm a little sailboat just waiting to get smashed. I was really really glad for that service stairwell where I can hide between patients for a few minutes and gush it all out.
And Laura, oh my gosh I am so thankful for Laura's and Mike's constant support. I mean, they don't go out of there way to make me feel like they're pandering to me, but just checking in and now calling me her' and occasionally Samantha.' It's that fundamental acceptance that makes me feel so connected to them in such a way I never felt before. It was the same with Juanita, our conversations, most of the time inane and not particularly profound, mean something to me. Like, I can't wait to socialize, something I had never imagined myself doing in a million years! That's how I knew I was really changing, though the body changes were quite interesting and unfortunately making me quite impatient!
First, the elephant in the room: boobs. I have breasts. Little, annoyingly sore breasts. Maybe in the objective light of day not big enough to justify a bra but still something that fills the A cup with a little more than air. I don't think I want an augmentation, at least not till I see how big they'll get, but oh wow, I think its so silly how excited I am that I have breasts! But they're there and, though I think I might be enlarging them a bit in my mind's eye, I can't help but be fascinated in just how much more I look like a woman every day.
My face is changing too. The biggest changes is my skin is so incredibly soft now. I mean, its all over me but I see especially on my face. My eyes look wider and more lively if that makes any sense. My cheek definition has softened wonderfully, as have my eyebrows, which have also thinned. I have no idea when that happened but a couple of weeks ago I was looking the mirror and I was like, "Damn, what happened to my eyebrows?"
The rest of my body has made some changes as well. My muscle definition in my legs has softened and I don't have the power I had on my bike. My endurance is fine, but I'm a little frustrated that I can't do some of the technical rides like I could before I started transitioning. Don't get me wrong, I would never trade this for anything! I love my new hips, I love my feminine legs and my slightly upgraded ass. I don't mind that my body odor has changed, much for the better. I was shocked when I found my shoes to be a size too big and I lost an inch of height. I read this might happen, but that was crazy. For me, change is good!
Voice wise, I've been seeing a voice coach but I'm not happy with my results. It's too masculine- feminine in my taste and can still feel tension in my neck muscles when I talk too much. What is too much? When my neck hurts. I thought about surgery but that is crazy expensive. I've been saving money because I do want to buy a house soon and I want to have a reserve of money in case I decide to augment my chest or do facial surgery. My insurance will cover vaginalplasty, thankfully, if I decide to go that route. I am 99% sure that I am going to have an orcplasty and remove my testicles. There's really no point to them anymore and they get in the way more than anything. I'd rather spend $10,000 on that than my voice. I don't know, I'll give it more time before I make decisions on that.
My hair is another story all together. Body hair wise, things are better. My chest and stomach hair is much thinner. It's still there but I can go longer between manscaping for lack of a better word. I have been doing laser hair removal treatments on my face. I hate the actual process, and I choose not to think about how much it costs. It hurts and I look like I came out of a slapping contest after sessions but in the end it will be worth it. I will probably do my chest and stomach too.
For my hair hair, It's longer but its a mess. A shapeless lanky mess that looks like shit. I though growing it out would be easy but apparently I have pretty thin hair and its not doing what I wanted it to do. Laura is taking me Saturday to get it cut and styled into a pixie cut. We had a long discussion the other day that I'm going to have to get with it and dress up outside my apartment. I've been a bit more androgynous lately, neutral colors and such but nothing especially feminine. She cornered me into agreeing on the condition that she'd pay for my first ever women's cut.
It was still too warm to think about a turtleneck, being early September. Over the summer I'd been collecting a few pieces of warm weather clothing to build my wardrobe, mostly T-shirts, a couple of pairs of shorts and I added a denim skirt. I also bought a couple of summer dresses but I haven't worn them out yet, I just don't feel that my figure is quite ready for showing off in a dress just yet, especially one that is more revealing than my bohemian or my turtleneck dress. So for right now they are restricted to the apartment. For this appointment I decided on a dusty pink T-shirt that I tucked into my high waisted denim skirt, a pair of yellow socks with pastel polka dots that I slouched down and my new white Converse high tops. For accessories, I put on one of my chokers, a black one, and my small heart pendent necklace. I chose my silver studs for my earrings. That should make Laura happy!
After dress and applying my makeup. When Patty told me I needed better makeup I went a little crazy at The Body Shop. I should probably ask for a sponsorship because now basically all of my cosmetics, skin care and hair products are from there. This is one of my more masculine traits that I'm still holding on to, or maybe its just OCD but I prefer getting things from a few specific brands, my clothing excepted. Well, my workout clothes and cycling clothes are all from Nike. It's a little scary how much money I spent on clothes and accessories these past four months. Plus the money on lasering my facial hair, which is not even close to being done yet.
I pulled my 10 year old blue Corolla hatchback into the street parking in front of the address that Laura had texted me. Vicky's Creations was printed on the large bay window. It's one of the older neighborhoods in Columbus, My car isn't the flashiest thing but it's indestructible and I haven't had a single issue besides the regular maintenance. So all in all I love it.
There were only a few cars parked on the street this early on Saturday morning. Laura's stylist, a woman named Vicky, was opening a couple of hours early so that I could have a private appointment. That was so nice of her it just goes to show how great Laura is. I saw her silver Explorer just a bit further up to the road. I looked around before getting out of the car, and walked up to Laura's car.
Laura was getting out of her car as I walked up, my hands gripping the black leather strap of my hobo style purse tightly, suddenly feeling extremely anxious about how Laura would view my outfit. Maybe this skirt doesn't go with my T-shirt? Are my cute slouched yellow socks too much? Should I have worn a pair of sandals that I don't have instead of my high-tops?
Laura wore a purple scoop neck T-shirt and a pair of well fitted jeans and a pair of pastel espadrills. "Hi Sammie, you look cute! I love the skirt," she exclaimed as she gave me a hug. It was paradoxical in a way in that while my libido was weirdly nonexistent, physical contact felt more...well more. Pleasantly more.
"Thanks Laura, I feel so nervous being out like this."
"You look great, Sammie, super cute. I wish I was young enough to pull something like that off. Come on, Vicky should be ready for us. Where did you get that bag?"
I blushed and, I just feel more confident in myself when Laura's around. I mean, at work I know I'm good at my job and the aprons and scrubs we wear, its easy to get by androgenously and my body changes have been subtle enough that really only Laura and Juanita noticed them. "My sister bought it for me before she moved."
Laura nodded approvingly. "How is she by the way? I know you've been spending more time with her."
"She's fine. She's the associate youth pastor for a church in Lexington. She's pretty excited about it, but she's having some trouble finding a place to live so she's living with the head pastor or whatever he's called and his family."
"Let me call Vicky and see if she's ready for us. Nervous?"
"A little."
Laura smiled and squeezed my arm affectionately as she held her phone to her ear. "Vicky, hi. We're outside. It's is, okay great."
She dropped her phone and pushed the door to Vicky's salon open. "Come on."
Vicky was a voluptuous and extremely friendly Asian woman with a bob of multiple shades of brown highlights. She wore all black and just looked the part of a stylist. She greeted me with a hug and told me how much she admired the courage I had to take the chance to be, well, to be me. She also complimented my outfit and wished that she was young enough and thin enough to wear something like it. I was just beside myself with the affirmations I was getting, being called Samantha and being treated, hopefully at least, as a woman.
The salon was once the living room. There were three stations for the stylists, two drying stations and a hair washing station. The previous dining room was a piercing studio. In the back was the kitchen and storage area. Upstairs was Vicky's office and a small nail studio. The whole house smelled like lavender and was the decor was a mix of feminine Indian and Asian elements.
Vicky got Laura a cup of coffee as she sat in a chair by the door and then Vicky led me to the hair washing station. One more thing about the estrogen had affected me was that I was more sensitive to touch, in a good way. Not like a lot, but it was noticeable. My sensitivity wasn't sensuous or anything like that, it just felt more and it felt good. Having my hair washed and conditioned by Vicky, she asked me about my transition and how I knew I was transgender. Her questions were of genuine curiousity and I felt very comfortable with her. She said that her parents immigrated from Korea. She was born in California and moved to Ohio fifteen yeas ago when her husband got a job at the university. I could see why Laura likes her.
After washing and drying my hair, Vicky led me to the styling chair and ran her hands through my lank wet hair. "You don't have a lot of volume, Samantha. I think it's better if we look at a pixie cut until your hair fills out. What do you think?"
I shrugged my shoulders slightly and said, "I'll trust your judgment, Vicky. You're definitely the expert here!"
"And don't you forget it," called out Laura from her chair.
As Vicky cut and styled my hair the three of us chatted about things. I don't know if its the hormones or what, but I am more open to chatting now than ever. Maybe its a masculine trait I'm actively trying to change or if its the way my brain is being rewired as it were but I like being part of conversations. Before I was happy enough to disappear into my a book on my phone, listen to music or YouTube or whatever and being in my own little world. But now I only want to do that when I'm by myself. And its like, not much effort. I just know I was so right in seeing Dr. Walton six months ago. I could regret not seeing her sooner, but that's not very useful and I'm just enjoying the journey. Just like Dr. Walton said, enjoy the journey because it'll be over before you know it.
"So, what do you think," asked Vicky as she stepped back and got her mirror to show me the back of my hair.
I could hardly recognize myself, even though it was just a haircut. But the styling and cut of my hair, my pixie cut, my first feminine hairstyle, was shocking. I wasn't hinting at femininity, I looked feminine. For the first time ever in my life, I felt I truly looked like who I was meant to be: I looked like a woman. As I reached up and touched my hair and turned my face to different angles, I felt the tears starting to well up. Oh great, I thought, here I go again! I kind of hate that I can cry so easily now, from frustration or joy, it just happens. That was the hormones, and feeling my feelings in a rather powerful way. I just wish the waterworks were a little more in control!
I felt the warmth of Vicky's embrace from behind me and the bright smile on her face as she hugged me. Laura had come up too and was hugging us as well. "You look beautiful, Samantha." I don't if that's true or not, but I felt it.
Vicky was just amazing. She took some time to show me how to style my hair so that I could replicate the look myself and even wrote the steps down for me. Laura kept running her fingers through my hair and laughing as we went over my how-to tutorial. It was strange and wonderful and a bit of confusing thing for me really. When I was a man, well, fully man anyway, a woman's touch was such a special thing. I mean, for me to touch a woman meant that I had broken though a wall and earned the privilege. But as a woman, it was carefree and kind of natural but unnatural for me anyway.
The weird thing was there was nothing sexual or erotic about it. Until very recently my libido was very depressed but I can still get aroused with effort. I was trying to follow Dr. Rodger's advice to use it or lose it in terms of erections but it was hard, no pun intended. But even with my turtlenecks it was very deliberate effort to focus on masturbation. I tried doing it without a turtleneck on, and it was a pointless hour of frustration. So I guess that just confirms how deeply rooted my turtleneck fetish is actually. I don't mind, I love turtlenecks so much and I get so at ease and at peace with myself when I wear one. And aroused when I can focus.
I never once though I would ever say this in my life but, masturbation is now kind of a job. On the plus side, and probably my abosute most favorite thing about becoming a woman, is tha my orgasms were feeling different too. Like, as a guy my orgasms, even during sex, would go up like a roller coaster, peak for a second, and then the plunge. Now, more often than not, I'm climbing climb and climbing and then I peak and kind of stay there. But the decent is long and exhilarating! The last time I did it though, oh wow!
First off, porn does nothing for me anymore. But now reading erotica material, and imagining myself in those stories, oh wow! When I get myself in the mood and reading a well-written story while I wear a turtleneck and a cute pair of socks, I just melt into myself. The sensation of my turtleneck collar is so much more erotic to me now when I'm in the mood, it makes my whole body squirm. The last time I masturbated, last night actually, I inserted my prostate massager in me and let it go to town on me as I massaged my breasts and my turtleneck collar. All the while I was replaying the story of a woman making love to a rancher. Imagining myself in her place, making love to her handsome bearded lover (in a turtleneck of course), I just kept going up and down up and down, multiple times. I had to stop because I was just too physically exhausted to continue and I couldn't take it anymore. According to the (trans)women of Reddit, I had just experienced multiple orgasms!
My sexual fantasies are a little troubling to me though, I guess. Or not I have no idea because they are just that right? Fantasies. I mean, I never thought about men really sexually. I mean, not seriously aside from some turtleneck pictures that I used when I was a man. But I was a straight guy and I'm supposed to be a lesbian. Everyone assumed that too, Patty even joked about wanting to find me a good Christian woman to settle down with. But now, I don't know. I'm not really sure I look at women the same way anymore.
I was too excited and so over the moon with delight about my hair and how girly I looked in my pink T-shirt, denim dress, yellow scrunched socks and white Converse high-tops that I didn't want to dwell on that or bring it up with Laura. I thought I'd wait till next weekend when I go over to Laura's and Mike to watch the Buckeyes play California. Maybe I could steal Laura for a few minutes to talk about it. Laura and I went for coffee at McDonald"s after my haircut and spent the rest of the morning just talking about things. We parted ways and I got back in my car. "Look at you, Samantha," I said to myself as I looked in my rearview mirror. "Look at you!"
Reactions at work for my new haircut were pretty positive. I spent Saturday night and Sunday practicing on my hair and feeling kind of silly being so obsessed with getting my hair right. It kind of reminded about the story of Samson in a way; drawing power from my hair. Power wasn't the right word but confidence certainly was. The way my pixie cut framed my face did more to make me look more like the woman I am than my clothes did. Especially my work clothes.
I had to get new scrubs for work thanks to my new hips and my growing butt. I'm not trying to be super vain but I started yoga in addition to my bike riding to keep myself trim. My new body is retaining fat and water way more than my boy body did and I have a certain physique I'd like to keep. I'm still getting in the habit of yoga, watching video workouts on my iPad. I am 100% sure I look ridiculous but cute at the same time in my new workout shirts and yoga pants and my slouch socks.
I walked into work wearing my new women's navy scrubs, white slouch socks and my new Nike white and pink running shoes. I have had a few meetings with Human Resources over the last several weeks. Ms. Reynolds has been great with helping me navigate the bureaucracy of the hospital and Ohio. Internally, I'm Samantha Jane Hewitt. All my documentation, my email address and my ID card have been changed to that. I got a new birth certificate the other week, which was a process and a half.
On Friday I will be going to the DMV to change my driver's license over. That has been a fuss because its still a couple of year away from having to be renewed and they didn't want to do anything until then. Once I have that I get the joys of the hassle with Chase, Verizon, Direct Energy and the water company to have my name changed. I used to have cable but I dropped that for Hulu and Netflix. Hopefully changing my name with them won't be too difficult. This part of the transition was not fun.
Samantha Jane Hewitt, that just rolls of the tongue so much better than Samuel John Hewitt. I had no problem changing my middle name. It's my dad's name and he has not been around for the last 17 years. Good riddance to him. I sometimes spend my break times doodling my new signature. But I'm still Sammie and I love that, I think its a cute nickname for Samantha and I think it has made it easier for the people around me to get used to me as a woman.
I walked through the hospital towards oncology. Riverside Methodist is huge and you really only know your department so I don't think anyone really noticed that I'm not the old me any more, I'm a new employee. The closer I got to my ward, the more nervous I got.
Dr. Thomas was out, Dr. Levine was on. She's been just a supportive as he is. Dr. Levine is a short and extremely petite woman in her mid-thirties. While she has been on my side, it didn't really make up for the fact that she was really difficult to work for. Everything had to be exactly the way she wanted or she would make sure you knew how much you screwed up. To say people were on edge around Dr. Levine.
"Hi Sammie, wow, your hair! I love it!"
I blushed deeply. I still am not comfortable with a lot of attention but still, that the reaction I kind of wanted. "Thank you, Dr. Levine, I'm still getting used to it."
"It looks perfect on you. I need Heller, Jacobson and Peters done by two. Charts need to be done and then check the board."
"Sure thing, doctor."
The response from everyone essentially the same: lots of compliments by the women at work, especially Juanita, and passing interest from the guys. When I work with patients I get a few raised eyebrows because of my voice. I have to wear a cap so my hair is covered anyway when I meet with patients and talk about their procedures and answer questions. I think a most of them are pretty sure I'm a woman and a few are not exactly sure what I am. Trust the process, I have to remind myself. Just like the Browns right? Come on Samantha, you're doing great!
That weekend I went to Mike and Laura's house for the Ohio State game. Their house is a very middle class brick home with a small yard and it's definitely a family home. I mean that in the best way possible. Mike is a truck driver for J&R Schugel. He's moving up more into management now so he can be home more often. Two of the three Schneider kids: Jason and Jessica, are usually away from home on Saturdays with friends. Jared is usually holed up in his room composing his next great punk rock hit.
Mike greeted me at the door with his usual faded Buckeyes jersey. He is a tall man with full graying beard that goes down to his chest and sparkling hazel eyes. He wasn't fat, he wasn't especially muscular but he was a solid guy. Solid physically and all other ways. He was a good guy and he kind of took it upon himself to be the bodyguard as I was transitioning but meeting him and Laura out for dinners or to cheer Jessica at her track meets. Mike was a Seabee in the Navy before going into construction and then driving. A total blue collar dude. "Hey Sammie, come on in."
I was wearing my red turtleneck, my denim skirt, a pair of red and white striped knee socks and my white Converse sneakers. I had bought a pair of Buckeye earrings that were dangling from my ears.
"Hi Mike. Here's your first quarter beer," I said laughing and handing him a six-pack of tall boys. I still like beer, but now I'm more and more into wine. Like a girl I guess, I thought to myself amusedly.
"First drive more like it. Laura's in the back."
"Thank you," I said walking through the house to the kitchen. Laura was prepping a serving tray of cold cuts, vegetables, chips and dips. She was wearing a white Ohio State hoody, black yoga pants and white ankle socks.
"Hey Sammie. You look cute. Again! Oh to be 25 again, not a frumpy 40 year old!" Frumpy was the opposite of Laura with her toned body that she was proud of and worked hard on. And, 46, sweetie, 46.
"You want to help me get this platter ready before Mike starts to devour himself?" I laughed and pitched in and we carried the platter and beer out and proceeeded to watch Ohio State quickly run the score up on California. We really don't sit much during the game, stupid calls or plays excepted. With Mike and Laura, The Ohio State football is a full body experience. It was kind of disappointing really. I want them to win but its more fun when its an actual competition.
At halftime Mike went to the backyard to smoke his pipe, his ritual. Laura hates it, but she said it is really his one bad habit so she'll get on to him about it when they get ready to retire. If I could have a relationship like Mike and Laura's, I'd be one happy girl.
Laura and I started to tidy up the platter and living room for a second half reset. My tongue was a little looser after a few beers now. "Hey, Laura, since we have a minute can I talk to you about something?"
"Sure Sammie, what's up?"
"Um, I'm having some interest now. You know, like, sexually."
"Oh, oh! That's great! I told you you'd be fine!" I had told her that I was a little worried that I might not get my libido back online. Thankfully that was unfounded. Different though, really different!
I blushed and touched my red turtleneck collar. "Yeah, but its really different. I mean, its good, I think. I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm a teenager again, but I've been really thinking about guys a lot lately. Like a lot."
Laura looked up at me with a look of surprise. "Really? And you never thought about men before?"
I shook my head. "No, I really thought I'd be, you know, a lesbian. Before HRT, I never even thought about guys like that. But now..." I trailed off, searching for the words to express what I was feeling and not doing very well.
Laura nodded, understanding perfectly well. "It's natural, you know. Your body's changing, your hormones are shifting, and your sexuality might be adjusting too. It's okay to feel confused, or even attracted to someone you wouldn't have been interested in before." She rested her hand on my back and rubbed the soft turtleneck material a bit. "You know I'm here for you."
I felt a lump forming in my throat. Come on Samantha, don't cry and mess up this afternoon! "Thanks, Laura. You're the best friend anyone could ask for," I said trying to steady her voice. "I just don't want to mess anything up. You know, with the guys I mean. I've never been in this situation before."
Laura smiled reassuringly and rubbed my arm. "Sammie, you're going to be fine. You've got me, and Mike and your sister, to help you. And remember, it's okay to make mistakes, too. God only knows I've made more than a few! We'll be there for you, no matter what."
Mike came from the backyard for the second half and saw us hugging and crying. "Oh shit, is this like a woman thing or something?"