This is fiction. The celebrities, I have never met, the locations I have never visited; so I doubt any of it reflects reality in the slightest.
Sans Vous, Je Suis Rien -- Part Seven.
Chapter Seventeen.
I wandered from my kitchen to the sitting room carrying a bowl of cereal. It was 3 in the afternoon and I was still wearing what I woke up in (in my defence I had only woken up an hour before). I hadn't been sleeping well and was grabbing a few hours here and there whenever I could. The nightmares hadn't ceased, as I had hoped, but I was getting used to waking up in a cold sweat every few hours, which, undoubtedly, was a bad sign. The hallucinations were as vivid as ever, yet they rarely occurred, and with a few hours' rest afterwards, it was like nothing had happened. The situation was far from perfect but it was definitely improving. I was slowly coming to terms with each memory in turn, memories that I had forgotten on purpose over a year ago.
When I had arrived home from the aborted wedding in Florida I found that my new house was not as cosy or welcoming as I had thought. It was too large and too cold for me; I already wanted to move. The record company however didn't take kindly to my criticisms of the house. After they had stumped up a lot of the money because they didn't like me living in a two-room apartment, they wanted me to stay in the new house forever it seemed.
I had arrived home nearly a week ago, and a day hadn't passed by without me dissolving into tears over the events of the weekend. I had managed to avoid the repeated phone calls from Justin, JC and Lance but there was an interview arranged for tomorrow on TRL. Needless to say the idea of seeing the guys again for the first time since the wedding-that-never-was, and that it was going live across a continent, was not one that I enjoyed. Plus, it was a TV interview. I had decided to rework one of my songs for the performance on the show. I always liked to change things and tinker with them whenever I could. The tour had restricted the changes I could make; songs were expected to sound like the recorded versions during the tour. I had spent yesterday with the tour band at a rehearsal studio making the alterations. I was quite happy with the outcome, we had changed my latest single from its usual pop-dance sound to a more edgy one, one that the audience would hopefully respond to.
I settled on the sofa and turned the TV on flicking through the menus to find there wasn't anything worth watching on any of the 1,000 channels. Annoyed, I turned the telly off and got up to pick a book from the selves. Just as I found the novel I wanted the doorbell rang.
I opened the door after checking that I was decently dressed. My mouth fell open; there, on my doorstep in New York, stood Justin Timberlake.
"Hey!" Justin said as if he was always popping by.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked out of shock at Justin's appearance.
"Well, I was in the neighbourhood" Justin joked.
"Yeah, of Orlando International" I replied sarcastically.
"Are you gonna invite me in?"
"Sorry" I apologised for my lack of manners, "Come in before you catch your death." The chill of winter was biting by now as we headed towards mid- October.
"Nice pad!" Justin marvelled as we walked through to the kitchen.
"You think so?" I asked, "Tea?"
"Yes, please. It's nice and big. Good for a family..." Justin trailed off. An uncomfortable silence fell upon us.
"Well, is it always going to be this awkward when we're in the same room?" I said humorously.
"You should have seen the five of us in the meeting we had the other day" Justin thought out-loud.
"Is it that bad in the N'Sync camp?" I asked.
"It's better to be honest, since you, erm." Justin replied apologetically.
"I'm glad. That's why I left the tour." I replied, trying to put Justin's mind at ease as I finished making the tea.
We walked through to the lounge, Justin admiring the few nik-naks that decorated the otherwise empty house.
An other uncomfortable silence descended on us. I sat on the couch and Justin started to before deciding he'd rather sit opposite me. I frowned at the unease between us, we wouldn't have batted an eyelid if we sat right next to each other a fortnight ago, but now we were more comfortable the more distance was between us.
"Why are you here?" I asked Justin.
"I was worried. We're all worried" Justin replied earnestly.
"All?" I quizzed.
"Well not Chris, but everyone else is."
"So why are you here and not any of the others if they're all so concerned?" I asked.
"I also need to talk to you, and as you aren't answering your phone this was the only way that I could get to you." Justin answered me with undisguised need. It kind of freaked me out how Justin seemed so at ease with the fact that a week ago he was engaged to Britney Spears and was cheating on her with me.
"There's not much more to be said" I replied brusquely.
"Well I never got to finish what I wanted to say after the wedding." Justin said, "I was planning that speech for the entire afternoon I was 'missing'."
"Shouldn't you have been thinking about how you were screwing up Britney's life?" I replied.
"I think I would have screwed it up even more if I'd married her after what we did, or almost did!" Justin exclaimed.
"I thought that all meant nothing to you" I said angrily.
"Where did you get that idea?" Justin asked, "You know I stopped the wedding because of you."
"Yes. I know!" I stressed as I stood and walked over to the large windows overlooking the garden (or at least the muddy mess that would eventually become the garden).
"Then what is your problem?" Justin asked loudly as he followed my movements to stand beside me and look out the window. I watched his expression in his reflection in the glass. His eyes were clouded with grief and tinged with redness.
"You've been crying," I stated, changing the subject. Justin got a guilty look on his face as his eyes welled up.
"I've been crying all week, that's why I had to come." Justin started, "I just can't help thinking that if I had done some things different, we'd be far better off now."
"If we hadn't taken that bottle of champagne out onto the beach?" I asked. Justin shook his head.
"If I hadn't have said 'yes' to Britney."
I was slightly taken aback; Justin regretted getting engaged to Britney more than cheating on her?
"If I hadn't have agreed to get married," Justin said, looking at my eyes in the window's reflection, "We could be together right now, not struggling to stay in the same room."
I didn't say anything in case it verified Justin's opinion.
"I'm sorry if I treated you badly Darren. I didn't realise that you were so..."
I broke his look, turning away from the window and walking over to the bookcase.
"Screwed up?" I said.
"No" Justin quickly responded, "I didn't think it would affect you like it did. If I knew how it would, I wouldn't have continued the charade with Britney after that night on the beach." Justin explained. His eyes begged for forgiveness.
"I don't care if you would have done different" I stated, "The fact it you didn't."
"I didn't mean to hurt you" Justin stressed.
"I know." I answered.
"Then what is the problem?"
"We should never have been in that situation to start with" I replied.
"But we belong together!" Justin exclaimed.
"No" I said.
"No?"
"No, we wouldn't be better off." I said, "You should have married Britney."
"Let me decide that" Justin said.
"We couldn't be together, even if Britney was never born," I explained, "You're, like, superfamous."
"What has that got to do with anything?" Justin asked loudly.
"Everything!" I stated, "If we're even seen out together the rumour mill will swing into action and I'm not exactly up to living a secret life right now!"
"Would you like someone to try and sleep with you just because you're famous?" Justin asked, catching me off guard.
"No"
"Is it fair to say you wouldn't like anyone judging your personality just because you're famous?"
"Yes" I answered, wondering where Justin was going.
"Then how can you say that you wouldn't get together with me simply because I'm famous?" Justin finished off.
"I guess I can't," I said, admitting defeat on that argument, "But I tried to knife you for god's sake Justin!"
"You weren't yourself!" Justin replied loudly.
"That's just it!" I shouted back, "That's exactly how I am!"
"I don't believe you!" Justin replied, shock edging into his voice, "You would never do anything like that!"
"Let's just say there's a lot about me you don't know," I said, calming down, "And a fair proportion of that isn't a good basis for any kind of relationship."
"Like what?" Justin asked as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"There's just..." I paused, trying to get the right words, "There are just these things in my head that need sortin' before I can get back to normal, what ever that is for me."
"We all know that there are some strange things goin' on in your head" Justin said.
"God!" I exclaimed, "Have you all been talking about me or something?"
"We talked about our worries if that's what you mean" Justin answered.
"So you know everything do you?" I asked despairingly.
"The opposite in fact" Justin said sounding very worried now, "Together we realised that none of us knew anything that was going on in your head except that you were worried about breaking up another marriage after you claim to have caused your parent's split."
I hummed thoughtfully; curious that Justin and the others were taking such an interest in my welfare. I knew I had to tell them all at some time, if only to explain my behaviour. That time hadn't arrived yet though.
"There's a lot of stuff you couldn't know about me," I admitted to Justin and to myself.
"Stuff from back in England?" Justin half asked. I nodded. "Stuff that caused you to move over here." Justin concluded. I nodded again and sniffled back tears.
"The last month of my time over there was hell," I said. Justin nodded, seeing that I wasn't about to say anything more at that time.
"Just promise me that you won't freak out again," Justin begged, "We're all here to listen or to support you if you need it." I nodded, crying freely now. "But you will tell us, at least me, at some time won't you?"
"At some time" I agreed as Justin wrapped me in a friendly embrace.
"I guess you're staying in town for the night" I asked Justin as we chopped vegetables for dinner later that day.
"It would seem stupid to fly back home only to fly back right away." Justin laughed.
"Where are you booked to stay?" I asked. I knew the hotels for miles around were always fully booked for weeks ahead.
"To be honest, the trip was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I'm haven't got a room booked." Justin admitted as he finished chopping up an onion.
"Well you can stay here, if you don't mind the unpacked boxes and mess." I offered.
"I think I'll have to take you up on that. Thanks." Justin said, sniffing slightly from the effects of chopping the onion.
"Don't do that!" I said as Justin reached up to rub his eyes with his unwashed hands, "Here let me." I wiped a tear from his face. The situation caused us both to laugh.
"What should I chop now?" Justin asked as we stopped our laughter.
"Carrots" I answered as I swept the onion Justin had just sliced into a pan.
"What are you cooking anyway?" Justin said.
"Well, I'm going for a vegetable Tikka Masala." I answered, "But it might not turn out quite as authentic as it should."
"I didn't know you Brits liked food with flavour!" Justin joked.
"Yeah, well. I fancied something other than boiled veg tonight" I laughed.
"Seriously" Justin said, his tone changing slightly, "I was always led to believe that the English only ate boiled veg, intestines and fried food"
I laughed at Justin's ignorance.
"You think we eat like that?" I said, still laughing. I had to turn the hob off so as to not burn the onions as I welled up from laughing so much.
Justin nodded sheepishly.
"I'll have to put you straight at some time" I laughed.
"Have you ever eaten that intestine stuff?" Justin asked.
"Of course" I answered, "Although I refuse to eat any kind of beef offal since BSE was discovered and I've never eaten sweetbreads."
"That's disgusting!" Justin said, "And to think I've kissed you." Justin laughed.
"Well I'd gladly cook you a good old fashioned steak and kidney pudding if you prefer"
"Erm. I think I'll stick with the curry if it's all the same" Justin said pulling another face at the mention of eating kidneys. "I'm not sure I'm ready for English food yet"
We continued to cook in silence for a while, the warm sent of the spices filling the room.
"Are you gonna come back on tour with us?" Justin asked.
"You know I'm not" I said, "Why did you think I'd have changed my mind?"
"I just thought that we were getting along fine. You seem much better." Justin explained.
"Well, I still won't go back. I'm not sure if I could handle Chris or Joey for any amount of time" I said. Justin nodded understanding my point.
"They've not been very supportive the past week" Justin mused out loud, "Thank god we had a three-week break for the honeymoon."
"Well I would offer for you to stay here for a while to get away, but I'm flying off to the UK in three days."
"I didn't know you were going home." Justin said.
"It's for work mainly. My first single gets released there in about a week so it's promotion for a fortnight, but I might be given a long weekend to visit home if I get my way." I smiled at the thought of seeing my mum again.
"I guess I've just got to put up with Chris for another couple of weeks then" Justin joked.
"You could always come with me," I said absent-mindedly as I tasted the curry. "Could you pass me the herbs behind you please."
"Herbs?" Justin questioned.
"OK, 'erbs" I said with sarcasm, "Now hand them me"
"Are you serious about me coming with you?" Justin asked as he handed me the pot of fresh herbs I kept on the windowsill.
"Yeah, I guess" I replied as I paused from pulling some coriander from the green mass, "If your people don't mind, I'm sure it can be arranged for me to have a guest." I hadn't meant the offer as a serious one originally, but now the ball was rolling I couldn't really see any impediment to the whole thing.
"Wow, I'll call them now" Justin said excitedly as he rushed off to make the necessary calls.
I continued to make the dinner as Justin talked into the portable phone in the other room. I could tell he had called Lance first, and then his management.
"Hey, Darren" Justin called out.
"Yeah?"
"Have you got the number for the person who's got all the info on your schedule in the UK?"
"You'll need Stacie's number. It's in the address book by the phone base in the hall"
Within a few minutes Justin came bounding back into the kitchen.
"It's all sorted, I'm comin' with ya!" Justin said with glee.
"Fantastic!" I commented as I turned the naans under the grill and prepared the various pickles, popadoms and drained the rice. "Someone to carry my bags for me!" I joked.
"Hey, I'll have my own to drag around!" Justin replied smiling.
"Grub's up" I said as I finished cooking. "Help me get all this to the table"
We carried the multitude of dishes over to the table.
"Wine?" I asked.
"Mm, OK" Justin replied as I pulled a bottle of red from the well-stocked rack in the corner of the room. "Where do you get all that from?" Justin said indicating the dozen bottles.
"I got my mum to send a crate over from home. Saves the bother of trying to get it here and I can't live without a good bottle of red now and again." I explained.
"Ooh. Wine connoisseur, are we?" Justin laughed.
"What can I say? It's the French blood in me." I said as I poured two large glasses.
Two hours later, Justin and I were sitting on the couch with the fire roaring behind us. The stereo was on, playing one of my more obscure CD's featuring spanish jazz.
"I can't believe that!" I said after Justin had told an anecdote.
"Well, you'll see tomorrow"
"Carson Daly saw you and Joey getting off with each other!" I exclaimed.
"That's why he's always odd around us. He's paranoid about anyone flirting with him on air. He always gets lewd and makes it obvious to get people to stop!" Justin said laughing.
"I've never seen TRL. I wouldn't know how he acts on it normally, let alone when you're all on."
"You've never seen TRL!" Justin exclaimed unbelievingly.
"No" I answered, not sure why this was so odd.
"But you know what it is right?"
"I know it's a lot of talking and a run down of the top voted videos. It's quite big here, right?" I replied.
"Quite big!" Justin exclaimed, "If you don't get your video on that show, you won't even get top twenty. I can't believe you've never seen it!"
"Well we don't get American MTV back home and this is the first time I've had cable over here." I explained as I pointed to the new TV in the corner of the room.
"You don't even have your own TRL in the UK?"
"No" I answered, "If MTV broadcast a show with people talking more than they played music no one would watch it."
"Fickle people you Brits" Justin joked.
"It's hardly surprising." I explained, "We have thirteen music channels, five of which are MTV channels so if you don't like what you see you simply change up to the next one."
Justin nodded as we both went back to listening to the music.
"Do you actually understand anything this guy is singing?" Justin asked, referring to the foreign language vocals.
"I can pick out certain words, but I need the lyrics in front of me for anything else. I'm not good at sung Spanish, but when it's spoken I'm quite good."
"You can speak Spanish?" Justin inquired, "How many languages can you speak!" Justin wondered out loud.
"Just English, French, Spanish and Italian."
"That's a lot!" Justin replied.
"It's not really; French, Spanish and Italian are all very similar and as I was raised speaking French, it was easy for me to pick up the others."
"Even so it's impressive." Justin commented.
"It's really not impressive if you know how similar they all are. It's more like learning one language's grammar and then using three different vocabularies with it."
"Well I know who to come to when we need another Spanish version doing for us!" Justin laughed, looking into his empty wine glass.
"Only if you want my bad translations to offend all your fans!" I answered.
"I need more wine." Justin said, still laughing.
"I'll get another bottle," I said going into the kitchen to grab another.
"Can I change the CD?" Justin called through as I was pulling the cork.
"Sure" I replied. My CD collection wasn't difficult to locate as it occupied a vast shelving unit on one side of the room.
"You've almost got as many CD's as me!" Justin said as I returned with the new wine.
"I like music" I answered simply as I poured two glasses.
"Choral music?" Justin asked, pulling a CD of choir-music from the shelf.
"I was in a choir" I replied as I took the glasses of wine over to Justin.
"What do you suggest?" Justin asked as he sipped on the wine.
"I thought you wanted to choose?"
"I'm a little overwhelmed by the choice." Justin laughed.
"What about this?" I said pulling a single from a shelf and handing it to Justin.
"Artful Dodger featuring Craig David?" Justin read from the cover, "Craig David. Isn't he a R 'n' B singer from the UK?"
"It's what made Craig a star" I answered, "Plus is pretty decent garage"
"As in two-step?" Justin said as he placed the CD in the machine.
"What other garage it worth mentioning?" I asked jocularly.
Soon the tune was banging out throuh the speakers.
"This is pretty good." Justin said nodding his head to the beat, "Any more gems in there?"
"How about some French dance?" I asked.
"French dance? I didn't know there was such a thing."
"Think eighties electro-disco with a modern twist" I said as I exchanged Artful Dodger for some Cassius. "Like Madonna's 'Music', but less pop."
We returned to sitting on the couch and to chatting about nothing.
"Hang on a minute" I said as I turned the volume up for a particular track, "This is seriously funky." I said.
"Funky?" Justin questioned grinning.
"You'll see" I replied as I began to bob to the heavy, disco-inspired bass line.
Soon, Justin and I were half-dancing whilst still sitting on the sofa.
"This is 'funky'." Justin laughed, "There's no other word for it!"
"Don't knock it" I responded, laughing just as much, "Eighties style electronica is one of the best types of dance music there is"
"Must have a small audience" Justin commented.
"Not really. A few million will hear it every weekend across Europe" I said, still moving to the music.
"They play this in European clubs?" Justin asked. "I wouldn't have thought it would be popular enough."
"Well dance culture rules Europe. Hip hop is such a minority on the nightclub scene it gets 'theme nights'." I said.
"No hip hop!" Justin said.
"No" I replied, "No where near as much as there is here." I explained.
"I thought is was a global youth thing"
"It's there worldwide, but dance is far more universal outside North America" I explained, "I've never even heard of any kind of hip hop, rap or RnB club near where I used to live back home let alone ever been in one!"
"So its dance or nothing over there" Justin asked as he stood from his seat to dance more freely. I jumped up and joined him, turning the stereo up as I did so.
"Every Friday and Saturday night there is a mass migration from the suburbs into the pubs, bars and clubs in the towns."
"Sounds as though it's very big indeed"
"It's been blamed for the rise in drink and drug related crime"
"People take guns into clubs?" Justin exclaimed.
"No" I replied, wondering where he got that from. "Guns are practically illegal in the UK so very few people have them."
"They banned guns?"
"Only hand guns. Rifles and shotguns are still as legal as ever were."
"Why did they do that? I can't think of any reason why politicians would do something like that here"
"Some gunman went into a primary school and shot several pupils and their teacher." I answered as we continued our private dance.
"You government banned guns after one school shooting?" Justin asked with incredulity.
"What else could it do?" I replied, "Keep the same rules and blame some scapegoat?"
The music pounded into our ears and the conversation stopped. We let the bass take over our bodies as we moved to the music. The alcohol lessening our inhibitions about being the only two in the room and dancing as if we were in a club filled with thousands.
Chapter Eighteen.
My eyes opened only to be blinded by the morning sun as it poured through the window. I was lying on the couch. Empty wine bottles lay on the table with two glasses.
'Two glasses?' I thought for a second before I noticed the heavy weight resting on me. I forced my eyes further open; Justin was lying on top of me. We had clearly drunk more than we probably should have and had fallen asleep in the lounge at some time during the night. It then occurred to me, this had been the first night in a week that I hadn't woken up from a nightmare.
'Surely Justin isn't that much of a comfort blanket is he?' I asked myself. 'No, more likely the alcohol caused you to sleep more soundly.' I thought in reply.
I shifted my weight slightly. My lower back twinged with pain from sleeping on the sofa. The movement caused Justin to stir where he lay on me.
"Morning" he mumbled as he opened his eyes and realised where he was.
"Morning" I answered. "Shit!" I said loudly after a second or two, "We're on TRL today!"
"Shit!" Justin echoed, jumping off me before clutching his head, "Argh! Hangover!"
I rolled off the sofa and onto the floor where I looked at the time on my watch.
"Justin, it's OK, we can relax slightly. It's only 11am." I said.
Justin breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed back onto the sofa.
"I think need aspirin." Justin moaned.
"So do I." I said as I climbed to my feet to find the world spinning slowly around me. I wandered off to the bathroom to find some. When I returned triumphantly, Justin was moaning about how hungry he was.
"I'll cook breakfast," I offered.
"I think I need a good helping of pancakes" Justin whined.
"No way." I said, "It's the traditional hangover cure from back home; a full English breakfast for the both of us."
"I am not eating that. I'll be sick!" Justin cried out from the sofa as he downed his aspirin.
"What do you need to get over a hangover?" I asked
"Erm" Justin thought for a second, "Water, then carbohydrate, then protein."
"So a fried breakfast it is." I said joyfully after tricking Justin.
We sat at the dining table. Justin poked the food on his plate with his fork.
"Tuck in" I said as I began to eat.
"It doesn't look very healthy" Justin said as he cut into his sausage.
"It's not supposed to be." I answered as I ate a mouthful of fried bread.
"What the hell is that?" Justin asked indicating the slice of what appeared to be a large, dark sausage.
"Try it first" I said. Justin took a bite with great trepidation and chewed it for a second before a look of surprise crossed his face.
"It's quite nice"
"It's black pudding." I said.
"Black pudding?"
"I think you call it blood pudding over here." I said.
"But that's just a name right?" Justin asked as he continued to chew on it.
"No, it has pork blood in it. That's why it's scab-colour"
Justin's face turned slightly green.
"I thought you liked it." I said, laughing at Justin's response. "Besides if you're coming to England..."
"Is it too late to cancel?" Justin joked as he washed the remainder of his mouthful down with orange juice.
In the afternoon we headed into the city and to the TRL studios. We pulled up at around 2:30pm, the crowds were already gathering for the N'Sync Tour special. The idea of the show from our companies' points of view was to boost ticket sales for the venues in the last leg of the tour, which tend not to get booked as the hardcore fans try and go to the first few shows or the last couple so only the local average fans buy up the seats. The show was extended and featured N'Sync, of course, and some of their opening acts from the tour so far and the people they had to replace me for the last few weeks. Every group they had on was to perform a track, hence the need for the extension of the programme's usual running time.
Justin and I were bundled into the building by burly security guards that pushed the screaming girls out of the way like they were fallen leaves on a path. I kinda felt sorry for them, they had waited since god only knows when in the cold autumn air to try and catch a glimpse of their idols. If I had my way I would have quite happily wandered up and down the rows of massed fans to speak to any that were there to see me. But it wasn't to be, in only a few seconds we went from car to building with barely enough time to hear the screams of the fans, let alone say anything back.
"It's gonna get busy out on the street today." Justin said as we climbed up to the first floor.
"They're all here for you guys" I commented.
"I think some of them will be here for you and the other groups" Justin laughed.
"Whatever" I mumbled as we entered some kind of green room. We were the first guests to arrive.
"The rest of the guys should be here any moment" Justin said, checking his watch, "Assuming their flight was on time."
I nodded and walked over to the obligatory food provided. After picking through the nasty looking sandwiches and other assorted bits of food I decided that I wasn't hungry after all.
"What are you performing?" Justin asked as he grabbed a water from the table.
"I was thinking about doing 'What Else do I Need', but with a more electronic twist than usual." I answered. "I really like that track and the band seem into it as well" I referred to the tour band that were here to provide backing for the groups who wanted it. The whole idea was to give performances like that which the audience might see during a concert.
"That'll be cool" Justin said, "We're doing 'Gone' because we've been told to and 'Up Against the Wall'."
"I like that track, it sounds very British"
"You're supposed to like them all" Justin said with mock indignation.
"Well then I love that one in particular" I replied sarcastically. "But won't you all be bouncing off the walls. The stage isn't that large is it?"
"We're gonna cut the dancing and concentrate on the vocals."
"Good afternoon" a voice said from over by the door.
"Hi" Justin said to the station worker standing there.
"I've got the agreements here for Darren Galloodeck" She said, mispronouncing my name as she held out a few sheets of paper. "They need singing."
"I'll just read them through" I replied.
"Sure, I'll be back in ten minutes" the lady said before walking out of the room.
"What are these?" I asked no one in particular.
"They're the terms for all the appearances you'll ever do on MTV" Justin answered, "Except during outside broadcasts," He indicated the exceptions on the deal.
"Why do I have to sign it?" I asked in confusion, "And why don't you have one?"
"We all signed ours years ago and it's to make sure that artists feel secure on MTV. It ensures a reasonable degree of privacy and other stuff."
I bobbed my head with cognition.
"So you like 'Up Against the Wall' do you?" Justin mused as I signed the papers.
"Yep. It reminds me of the clubs I used to go to back home."
"Were the women that bad?" Justin laughed.
"Not really, more the track itself. It wouldn't sound out of place in a club."
"That's what we were aiming for" Justin gleamed.
"Although it's way too pop for any hardcore club" I thought. Justin's face dropped.
"You'll have to take me clubbing when we're over there" Justin said, "I want to see these places that every one goes on about"
"It's a date." I answered.
"A date?" Justin questioned.
"Ha, ha!" I said with irony, "You should be so lucky."
A rabble of voices in the corridor announced the arrival of the rest of N'Sync.
"I just think we oughta keep up appearances for the next few hours!" Joey said.
"Shut up Joey!" Chris said.
Justin and I simply sat there and watched the entrance the four made.
"Just remember this building's filled with reporters that'll jump at the faintest whiff of an argument!" Lance pointed out, acknowledging the presence of Justin and I with a nod.
"Hello again" the woman said as she stuck her head in again. The arguing stopped instantly.
"Here're the papers, all signed," I said, offering the agreement to her as she pushed past Chris.
"Oh. There's one other thing" she said, "One of the opening acts has dropped out due to travel problems. Do you guys have any preferences for who could take their place and do two songs?" She asked the guys standing around her.
"Well, I don't know about everyone else but I think Darren would be the best option" Lance suggested.
I was flattered at the compliment and worried about how Chris might react so I kept my mouth shut.
"Yeah, I think Darren too" Joey said. JC nodded and Chris did nothing, even his expression didn't change.
"Well?" Justin asked.
"I guess I could squeeze another out." I joked. Of course, I had no idea what I could actually sing. I hadn't prepared a back-up song and the band didn't have any other music for me.
"Well, I'll go and inform the producer" the woman said before leaving.
Chris glared at me as the woman exited. Rolling my eyes I decided to get out before Chris did anything more and ruined my chances for a decent performance later.
"I'm just gonna head out" I said to Justin.
"Hang on and I'll come with you" Justin replied. "Lance, I'm gonna go with Darren to stretch my legs."
Lance nodded towards both of us, understanding the reasons each of us had for leaving the room.
"So what are you gonna sing as your extra?" Justin asked as we walked down the corridor.
"I'm not sure" I said honestly, "I don't have anything worked out and the band don't have any more of my music with them."
"Surely they've learnt something of by heart during the tour?" Justin asked.
"They know bits and pieces of my songs. I don't think I've, was, on the tour long enough for them to learn much." I answered.
"Sounds as if you've taken on a little more than is wise" Justin quipped.
"I'll manage somehow, even if I have to stand there for three minutes and juggle members of the audience." I laughed off my nerves at the situation.
We got into a lift and headed up to the top floor of the building.
"Wow!" I said as I saw the view from the windows.
"It's certainly something" Justin said equally awed, "I bet it's even better on the roof."
"I doubt we're allowed up there." I answered seeing that Justin had located the door leading up to the roof already.
"Like it matters; we're popstars!" Justin laughed as he tried the handle. The door opened, "It's not even locked" Justin said, walking through it.
"Wait up!" I shouted as I ran up the stairs after Justin.
On the roof the cityscape was unsurpassed. The autumn wind was stronger up there and soon we realised that going up there without anything more than a jumper was folly.
"Let's get out of this wind." Justin said as he walked over to a structure near the edge of the roof. I followed and soon we were sitting in the leeward side of the structure. Still cold, we huddled together for warmth.
"It would be warmer back inside" I pointed out.
"Yeah, but the view ain't as good" Justin replied.
We sat and looked out over the city around us. Justin began to hum a tune.
"What is that you're humming?" I asked as I nodded my head to the beat with a vague recollection of having heard it before.
"Shola Ama's 'You're The One I Love'," Justin replied, "You know it?"
"Course I do" I said as my memory cleared. Justin returned to his humming and after a while I joined in. We sat there humming the tune for a few minutes doing the usual trick of making a three-minute track into an unending noise. With me providing the backing track, Justin broke into song. His melodious voice carrying well, even on the wind. Justin sang with his eyes closed, so involved in the emotion of the lyrics:
"...Boy, I just wanna be your everything, I'll do anything for you. All you've got to do is let go and we can flow. I know that you've been hurt before, But I can't get with you if you close the door, The night I gave my love to you was about what I felt in my hear for you"
The words hit home, probably as Justin had planned.
"You're the one I love, so don't even trip."
I stopped humming the tune and joined in for the chorus, our voices finding their harmony with ease.
"I will never creep like the others did, You're the one I love, Baby it's like that. I will never stop 'cos I know what I got."
Justin opened his eyes and looked into mine as we sang. We stared into each other's eyes until we finished the song. Even after we had stopped we remained locked into that pose. The closeness of us before we had sung meant that we were now very close indeed.
"That was fantastic" Justin said softly.
"Amazing" I stated.
"I think we've found something to fill your empty slot today."
"I think we should alter the lyrics first" I pointed out,
"If we sing girl instead of boy I think it'll still be great."
"And what about copyright?"
"It should be fine. We'll just have to pay a little more for the privilege of it." Justin said, waving away my fears.
"And what about the music?" I asked.
"I think that the band can pick up the tune, and if not it'll be 'a capella'." Justin said as if going live across the nation with only half a performance organised was quite normal.
"I'd feel better if we could go over it with the band at least once." I said.
"Let's go then" Justin said as he stood, "We've only got an hour before the show starts."
"That was great!" a voice called out from behind where the cameras were setting up. Justin, the band and I had just finished a final run-through of the song. The band had managed to pick up the tune quite easily, being used to having to perform new songs at the drop of a hat during the tour, although it was obviously far rougher then the original.
"You two suit each other." Chris mumbled from where he was sitting with the rest of N'Sync, watching our performance.
"I'd drink to that" the owner of the mysterious voice said as they stepped into the light.
"Carson" Joey said with little enthusiasm.
"It's been quite a while." Carson said as he walked over to Justin and I, "Justin" Carson said, acknowledging his presence.
"Carson" Justin replied with a must distain as Joey.
"I don't believe we've met" Carson said to me.
"We haven't" I answered, "I'm Darren Gallouédec." I held out my hand.
"I'm Carson. Nice to met you." Carson shook my hand with a little too much vigour. "So, are you two...?" Carson indicated Justin and I.
"Are we what?" I asked, feigning naïveté.
"Are you two together?" Carson asked loudly enough for Justin to hear this time.
"What gave you that impression?" I asked, still acting dumb.
"Well you two arrive together, ahead of the rest, and now you're singing a love song to each other. And we've all read about you're reputation." Carson indicated a newspaper clipping that was attached to his running order for the show. It was the same clip that I had been shown in Denver, that pile of lies told by Pete.
"That's all bollocks." I said pointing to the article.
"It seems pretty believable to me," Carson responded.
"I have already answered the questions about that piece of trash." I said, "And by asking me about it you're breaking that agreement I had to sign not two hours ago."
"It still doesn't explain the other things" Carson countered.
"Whatever" Justin commented under his breath.
"We're not together." I said trying to make the point clear. "Justin came up from Florida a day early and stayed with me, and we're singing that song because we like it, not because of some other motive we have."
"We'll see." Carson said cryptically as he walked off, not pleased with the answers he had received from me.
"What an asshole." I said under my breath, causing Justin to snigger loudly.
Justin and I walked over to the other guys.
"Are you sure you want to sing that song?" JC asked with a note of worry in his voice.
"Yes!" Justin sighed, "It sounds good, we sound good. Why shouldn't we do it?"
"Because it's a love song!" JC answered.
"What's the problem?" Justin asked, "If it were us two up there singing the same song you wouldn't have a problem would you?"
"This is different" JC said.
"Different?" I questioned, anger rising.
"It's just that you, you..." JC stumbled, trying to find the words as Justin and I stared him down.
"Don't you dare say what I think you're gonna, JC!" Justin hissed.
"Do what you want" JC relented under the pressure applied by Justin and I.
I glanced from JC to Justin, and then to Lance. Sighing I turned and walked off.
"Talent from the set please!" A voice called out, stopping anyone from following me, "The audience are arriving."
I quickly exited the studio through a door well away from that used by the guys. I knew that if I hung around them for any amount of time before they went on that the tension would show, especially when I had to go out and sit with them for my part of the interview. The corridor I was walking down appeared to contain most of the technical rooms for the studio. I passed doors displaying signs such as 'Control Booth' and 'Sound'. Pinned up on a notice board outside the control booth was the revised running order for the show. I noted that the guys went on almost straight away and I wasn't due until an hour later. Clearly, if I wanted to keep away from N'Sync, I couldn't be in the greenroom or make-up at the same time as them.
"N'Sync to the greenroom." A voice demanded over the backstage speaker system. It was just about time for the show to start I realised, looking at my watch. I had pissed away half an hour wandering around the corridors on this side of the building. The plan had worked though; I had avoided bumping into any of the guys. Now I knew that make-up was free I decided it was time for me to put in an appearance.
"Darren Gallouédec to the greenroom." The speakers announced again, as I sat patiently in the greenroom. Make-up had been quick, so I went to the greenroom, and its comfy seats, early.
"Darren?" A bloke asked me from the doorway leading to the set.
"That's me" I replied, standing in preparation for my entrance.
"Follow me please." The man said rather tersely before turning and going back towards the studio. I jogged to catch up with him. "You're singing your first song, then interview then the duet" the guy told me as he read directly from his running-order.
"OK" I said taking deep breaths as I attempted to calm my nerves.
"Straight to the marker on the stage please" he guy said as we walked onto the set. Over in the corner the guys were rounding up another short interview with Carson and BBMak. I took up my place on the low stage as the extra instruments and musicians I needed were brought on. I stepped forward as a bank of keyboards were pushed passed me. After the setting up appeared to have finished, I looked over my shoulder and received a positive nod from Ed, the lead guitarist from the band.
"And now it's another opener from the tour." Carson began my introduction. "This guy's been wowing our viewers for weeks now with his new video. Here's Darren Gallouédec!"
I waited for the signal from the floor manager for the band to begin playing. The bass-line for my song kicked in, I began to move to the music as the melody rose. As the intro for the song ended I began to sing. The eyes of everyone in the room were upon me. The situation was kind of intimate for what I would usually be comfortable with, but the attitude of the small audience made up for my nervousness. By the first bridge I was in full swing, my early nerves gone. The tune rose to the chorus and the audience appeared to be enjoying it; there were several people waving their arms in the air and clapping. The band entered the instrumental bit just after the chorus before everything except the beat was dropped. After one bar, the melody was replaced by a harder, more electronic tune. I started to improvise a kind of dance to the music as the audience went wild for the re-interpretation of the track. After a few more bars I picked up the lyrics again and sang my heart out as I bounced around the stage, my soul infused by the beat. I stepped up to the mic-stand and pushed the microphone back into place as I sang the final line before I was joined on the stage by two dancers. My record company had insisted that I did some kind of dance. The music once again sank back to only the beat as the three of us began to do the dance. The style of the song and the size of the stage meant that the dance was more of a small-scale affair, no jumping around or running all over the place. The music regained its intensity as the dance break ended, for me at least. I returned to the mic to sing the outro as the two dancers continued behind me.
"Darren Gallouédec!" Carson pronounced as I finished. "We'll be talking to him after the break, here's the ads." With that the programme went into a commercial break. I grabbed the bottle of water and towel that were standing on the corner of the stage and made my way over to where N'Sync and Carson were.
"That was tight!" JC exclaimed as I sat down in my designated place.
"Rock on!" Carson said ironically causing all six of us to smile just in time for the return from the adverts.
"Welcome back" Carson said to the camera before he turned to talk to me, "Darren that was certainly different."
"I like to keep people on their toes" I replied.
"It was fantastic!" Justin commented with enthusiasm.
"Who remixed it for you?" Carson asked.
"Well I did it myself," I answered, "The band, dancers, and I met up two days ago and bashed it out." Carson's face dropped momentarily.
"It's certainly good for a day's work" Carson came back with.
"Thanks"
"Now, you've just left the tour right?" Carson asked.
"Yep. I finished my time with them at their last date." I replied.
"Why did you leave? I understand you were offered a repeat contract." Carson read from the card he was holding.
"I guess I just felt I had done all I could on the tour. Besides I'm heading off to the UK in two days to promote my debut release over there."
"Is it 'I Got U'?" Carson asked, referring to my debut US release.
"Actually it's not." I said, "It going to be an album track here, 'Death Disco'. So," I turned to the camera and talked to the viewers, "If any of you are going to the UK in the next few weeks make sure to pick it up." I laughed.
"Talking about your album, when's it coming? We're getting impatient"
"It's due out on the 17th of December" I answered.
"Has it a title yet?" Carson prompted.
"After much wrangling, it's been fixed as 'Caught in the Hype'."
"Is that in reference to anything?" Carson asked. I had to give him his dues, that guy can really make himself sound interested in the most banal of interviews.
"It's just about how I've found that people treat you differently when you're face is on the telly." I explained, "It's as if a separate set of rules apply to celebrities or something."
"People expect you to be as they imagine you" JC added, "They don't realise that you exist when you're not on the stage or their TV."
"Like, everyone sees me simply as the 'gay popstar', and then expects me to act to the stereotype, which just isn't me." I finished. Carson made a noise that was meant to indicate his interest whilst the camera wasn't on him, but he was trying to catch the eye of the floor manager about some point.
"I just think it's sad that the press and stuff think they have some moral right to know what goes on in my private life." Justin commented.
"On that note" Carson said as he was handed a certain newspaper article, "Can you explain this Darren?" I was outraged, Carson had just broke the agreement, but I couldn't let my anger show or walk off in case it damaged my image. On the monitors that showed what was actually being broadcast a picture of the clipping appeared with some quotes blown up. My mind went into autopilot and my face took on that look of forced emotions as I covered up my real ones.
"I already have." I answered.
"Well, I'm not sure that our audience have heard."
"Pete and I were at school together and nothing more. We never even dated." I stated. A hint of my annoyance entered my voice.
"So is there anyone in your life at the moment?" Carson asked as he looked passed me, to Justin. Joey coughed loudly.
"You think that with the schedule these guys run that I could maintain a relationship with anyone?" I forced a laugh.
"Well, it seems that Justin here can." Carson said turning the questioning towards Justin who wore a blank expression. "How's it goin' with Brit? There was a rumour that a wedding was planned for a week ago."
As the interview shifted focus I tried to calm myself down. A vision of Pete punching me in the face flashed across my vision. Startled I looked around, trying to locate the source of the image.
"That rumour was nothing more than a fantasy." Justin answered. "In fact Britney and I have split. The pressure of touring simply got the better of us this time around."
"I'm sorry to hear." Carson said without any feeling. Behind Justin, Chris's expression hardened.
"It's OK" Justin responded, tapping the toe of his trainer against the base of my spine. The tapping jerked me back from my search for the elusive source of the image.
"I'd love to continue on this theme, but we've got number four on our countdown now. Here's Miss Spears herself." Carson said as the interview with me finished.
Carson immediately walked off. The floor manager came over and informed Justin and I that after the video clip the show went straight into commercials and then back to our little duet.
We had a few words with the band, just to make sure they knew what we wanted before we took up our places on the stool provided for us on the stage as Carson rushed back to introduce us.
The guitar started behind us followed by the drums. Justin sang a few adlibs before he sung the first verse. At the chorus I joined in, as I had on the roof. Our voices harmonised perfectly. The emotion Justin poured into his vocals caused me to strain to provide a comparable amount. For the second verse Justin and I exchanged roles and I sang the main vocals with Justin taking the backing. We finished together and absorbed the applause of the audience. For those three minutes there had been something between the two of us. I knew that Justin had started to hum the tune on the roof because he obviously could empathise with the lyrics, but now we were singing them, to each other effectively, and we both felt the other's emotions about the events of the past month. For a second we were linked by the words.
Carson started to talk to the camera on the other side of the studio where another group had appeared. I assumed that they were my replacements.
"That sounded great." the sound guy who stripped me of my microphone said. His hand brushed across my neck, it felt cold like a blade, I pulled back in momentary shock.
"Thanks" I replied. Justin pointed to his radio mic.
"It's off," the technician stated as he left us. I headed towards the door that lead back to the artists' area backstage. I took a deep breath, trying to reassure myself that I had imagined the knife at my neck.
"I can't believe Carson asked those questions!" Justin hissed into my ear. I nodded as my mind returned from autopilot.
"He must be the biggest wanker in New York!" I shouted with considerable anger as the soundproof door closed behind us. Justin stared at me. "I already had to lie to those magazine people over it, now I've had to do it again!" I punched the wall, cracking the plasterwork and cutting my knuckle.
I glanced at the wound and was reminded of the nightmares.
"Lie?" Justin asked. I jerked my head to look at him, my breath came raggedly from the experience of remembering my nightmares.
"I hate the media!" I yelled, hoping that the microphones back in the studio would pick it up.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Justin asked as an MTV employee walked past, giving me a wide berth.
"It's just that I can't believe that Pete's managed to follow me over here!"
"Why is Pete such a problem to you?" Justin asked.
"It's nothing." I answered flatly.
"Like hell it is!" Justin shouted back. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into a room so that we could shout at each other in private. "Something's up with you and I'm guessing that Pete has a major role in it!"
"Pete's was just a stupid school bully" I lied.
"Stop fucking lying to me!" Justin yelled at me, tears visible in his eyes. "Can't you see that we're all worried about you!"
"There's nothing wrong with me!" I shouted back, tears making themselves known in my eyes as well.
"For god's sake! I was there when you flipped out at the beach house, I've seen the fear on your face, I've held you when you've been in hysterics" Justin yelled, "I know something is very wrong. I hoped that it would end when you left the tour but it clearly hasn't!"
I tried to say something in my defence, but the words just wouldn't come.
"Tell me" Justin pleaded.
"I... I" I stammered. I shut my eyes and tried to concentrate on saying something coherent. Suddenly there was Pete's sneering face. My eyes flew open and I collapsed to my knees in fits of tears. The emotions that I had forced down inside and pretended that I had dealt with, erupted with vigour. The memories cascaded over me, drowning out any idea of reality that I had. Justin was next to me in a second. He tried to pull me into a hug, but my mind was convinced that I was in that park on that fateful night. I screamed out at Justin's touch, causing him to pull back, fearing that he had touched some bruise or something.
"It'll be OK" Justin whispered as he attempted to embrace me again.
"Will it?" I shouted with my final ounce of energy. Justin didn't look quite as sure of himself as I would have liked. I sat there in his embrace as I tried to fight off the emotions that were stopping me from breathing. Whether my eyes were closed or not my memories played over and over every instant with a clarity that hurt my eyes. Reality blurred into imagination as I lost sight of the line between the two. The effort of trying to separate what was actually going on around me quickly wore me down, before long all I could manage was to whimper as I cried into Justin's embrace. It felt as though my heart, and every other organ in my body was tearing itself in two.
"Darren!" Justin yelled as my body finally went limp from the emotional toll I was paying. I lost the battle to keep my eyes open. The last thing I saw was the blind panic in Justin as he watched me pass out in his arms.
End of Part Seven.
Thoughts? Comments? Angry hate mail? Send it all to svjsr@hotmail.com, well maybe not the hate mail.
JJ.
Legal get-out clauses:
'You're the One I Love' -- Shola Ama, taken from the album 'Much Love'. Lyrics by Shaun LaBelle and Stevie Bensusen (P) 1996, Warner Music UK Ltd. (C) 1997 Warner Music UK Ltd.
TRL is owned by MTV Networks.