I know it's been way too long since the last instalment, but work and family life kinda took over all my time in the past week or two.
I don't know any celebrities, anything written here does not reflect the actual people mentioned in any way.
Chapter Nineteen
I let my head roll to one side to take a look at the luminous clock on the bedside table. It read 3:27am. I had woken up from one of my nightmares. Justin had gone back to Florida for the night to collect some things for the trip to the UK. I groaned, the flight was at midday; I was never going to get enough sleep.
After my collapse at the MTV studios, Justin had practically grafted himself to my side. He didn't let me out of his sight until he was forced to return to Florida for the night.
After passing-out in Justin's arms in some backroom at the studios I only really remember being bundled into a taxi after some First-Aider at the studio had decreed that I had only fainted and that all I needed was a day's rest. My 'faint', as it was being portrayed, had made the MTV News causing Justin to have to field several panicky calls from Lance, my management and my mother. The record company decided that it was due to exhaustion, but that I would still go ahead with my British commitments. Needless to say, Justin didn't want me to do them. I on the other hand knew that if I didn't my single would flop spectacularly and my UK record company would drop me without a second thought.
When Justin and I arrived home from the TRL incident, Justin put me straight to bed, where I immediately fell asleep. I woke on a couple of occasions, mainly due to nightmares. Every time I did, Justin leapt from where he was sitting at the end of my bed to comfort me. I passed in and out of sleep for some 14 hours and at sometime during those hours, Justin fell asleep next to me.
I awoke at sometime approaching midday, Justin's arms wrapped around me. We didn't do much, just lounged around the place. Every time I looked at Justin, I could see in his eyes the concern he had for me. I wished I had the strength to tell him what was wrong. I knew he could wait for an answer to his unasked question, how long I wasn't sure. Each time I evaded his gaze I felt him grow more suspicious. I had longed all the day for the time that Justin had to leave to catch his flight, and after he left, I longed for the time when he could be with me to comfort me.
Now I tossed and turned, trying to go back to sleep, even though I knew I would only be woken by my dreams again.
Giving up on getting anymore sleep, I decided to go and watch some TV in the hope that it would bore me to sleep.
I managed to struggle out of bed and stumble downstairs before throwing myself down on the couch. As usual the TV didn't have anything worth watching on. I settled for a documentary about some battle of the American Civil War that I had never heard of, learning some history about where you live is never a bad thing.
I lay on the sofa and let the information and images wash over me. Eventually the programme got on my nerves, I turned the TV off and the stereo on.
"Darren" Justin's voice drew me from my sleep.
"Wha'?" I mumbled.
"Why are you sleeping on the couch?"
"Huh?" I responded as my brain began to come to life.
"You're in the lounge"
"I couldn't sleep." I answered.
"Well, we need to leave soon. Nice choice of music." Justin laughed as he opened the curtains. My brain tuned into the background music; Celebrity was playing.
"You must have left that in there" I huffed as I sat up, "Got me to sleep tho'!"
Justin gave me a joking glare.
"Come on! Up!" Justin grabbed my arms and pulled me to my feet.
"Why did I give you a key again?" I laughed.
"Because you knew you would forget to set your alarm" Justin replied with an equal amount of humour.
"Whatever" I mumbled as I headed off for a shower and shave.
An hour later we walked through the doors of JFK.
"Who else is coming?" Justin asked as we searched for our check-in desk.
"Seb, Steve and Fay" I replied. "They left this morning from LA."
"Only dancers and your choreographer?"
"I have separate management and label people over there." I answered as we joined the correct queue. "There's no need for the label to spend any more money on sending anyone else over."
"Sounds like they're trying to do this on the cheap" Justin quipped as we reached the front of the queue.
"They do everything on the cheap. If you hadn't done a 'Do you know who I am?' when you booked your ticket, we'd be spending the next few hours jammed into economy. What's with you and up-grades?" I laughed as Justin handed over our things to the clerk.
"Have you been asked to carry anything by a third party?" The guy asked automatically as he tied the tags to the cases.
"No" Justin answered
"This flight is non-smoking. Do you have any seating preferences?"
"Together" I replied with a surprising lack of sarcasm.
"There you are." The clerk handed us our passports and boarding cards, "Have a nice day." I cringed as we walked away from the desk.
"What's wrong?" Justin asked with obvious over-concern.
"'Have a nice day'," I mocked, "It just gets on my nerves."
"I thought you English were supposed to be the most polite people on earth," Justin laughed.
"That's not polite, that's contrived!" I laughed.
The flight was long and dull, as all long-haul flights are. The pathetic offerings on the entertainment front coupled with both our lack of sleep from the previous night meant that Justin and I spend most of the flight.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our descent into London Heathrow." The steward announced over the speakers, waking Justin and I.
"Sir," a stewardess asked, "could you return your seat to upright please."
I obliged as Justin glanced out the window. It was night outside, the darkness was broken by the sea of lights that carpeted the earth below as we passed over the south coast.
"That's some view" Justin commented as he traced the outline of the coast off into the distance.
"Home" I stated with longing as I looked at the hundreds of villages and towns below us.
Our thoughts were interrupted by another announcement.
"In accordance with European Aviation Regulation, the cabin lights will be dimmed until the aircraft reaches the terminal building."
With that all but a few lights were turned out. Justin's hand snuck across and clasped onto mine.
"I don't like landings" Justin explained in a hushed tone. I nodded and we both returned to watching the country pass below us.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the United Kingdom. The local time is 27 minutes past one, the temperature is 3 degrees."
Justin shivered involuntarily.
"Bit chilly for this time of year?" Justin asked.
"Not really" I answered.
We disembarked from the plane and walked into the terminal building. After following the signs for five minutes we entered the huge passport control hall.
"Where are you going?" Justin asked as I left his side.
"EU citizens' queue" I answered, indicating the illuminated sign.
"I'll see you on the other side" Justin said as he joined the other queue for the non-Europeans.
I walked passed the immigration officer, holding my passport up for him to see the god-awful photo of me and then stopped to check where Justin was. He was stuck in a lengthy line, despite the fact there were three desks open for his queue. I took a seat, realising that I was in for a long wait.
"How'd you get through so fast?" Justin asked as he finally got through.
"EU passport" I answered, waving the red leather book.
"Ooo, passport photo!" Justin said, grabbing mine from my hands. "That's so bad!" Justin exclaimed, laughing.
"It's a passport, it's supposed to be." I laughed as I grabbed it back.
"I thought you had an English passport anyway." Justin said.
"There's no such thing" I replied, "I have a British one, and because we're in the European Union, it's also an EU one." I showed Justin the royal crest on the front.
"And the point of that is what exactly?" Justin asked as we headed off to reclaim our luggage.
"It shows I'm a European citizen. All 15 EU countries have the same passport style." I replied.
"So? How's that different from me just having an American one?"
"It allows me to vote in any EU country for one" I answered as we reached the carousel. We stood in silence as we searched for our bags.
"Do you think we'll be recognised?" Justin suddenly thought out-loud as we walked up to customs and excise.
"I doubt it" I answered, "I'm not a celebrity here and you aren't likely to be recognised."
"Why's that?" Justin said indignantly.
"N'Sync aren't very famous here," I laughed, "Remember, people are more likely to point to you and say 'It's Britney's boyfriend'."
"Well, they'd be wrong," Justin huffed.
Eventually we walked out of the Arrivals door. I scanned the massed crowd for a sign with my name on it.
"Over there" Justin said, indicating a plaque with 'Filkin' scrawled on it.
"Mr Filkin?" the driver asked.
"That's me." I answered.
"Sirs, this way please."
We were lead to a limo, but not a stretch, and we both clambered in as our luggage was loaded into the boot.
"Good Evening Darren," some one else in the car said, "I'm Kate Granger."
"It's nice to meet you at last." I replied reaching over in the cramped car to shake her hand.
"This must be Justin, right?" Kate asked as she looked at Justin.
"Hello" Justin responded as he too shook her hand. As he sat back, Justin bumped his elbow on the door handle. "I guess you'd have a bigger car if you had known I'd be here"
"No" Kate replied, "A bigger car couldn't cope with the London streets"
"Besides," I added, "This is less conspicuous."
"I guess so." Justin said as he rubbed his elbow.
"So, did you have a nice flight?" Kate asked as the car pulled away.
"We slept for most of it." I answered.
"Well, lucky for you, I'm not here to make you work at this hour" Kate laughed.
"Then why are you here?" I asked, "I think I'd be in bed if I possibly could."
"I've got to give you this" Kate produced a thick folder, "It's your schedule for the next fortnight."
"It feels busy" I joked as I took the heavy folder.
"It's not really that full," Kate explained as I flicked through it, "You're on to do 'Top of The Tops', MTV, Pepsi amongst others and there's the usual magazine things."
"What's this?" I asked as I reached an appointment for eight days' time.
"Radio One have asked for you to perform some album tracks live." Kate replied.
"Why's it only a provisional thing?" Justin asked as he looked at the sheet of paper I was holding.
"We weren't to sure on your position on live things." Kate answered, "The group that will play behind you for the other things could actually play the song if you want."
"I'd expect them to play the song at every appearance." I stated.
"I'm sorry, we just assumed that you wouldn't do 'live' with a group you haven't even met before, let alone played with." Kate apologised.
"Well, I always perform live." I informed her, "And besides, it's Radio One! How could I not do it?"
"What's so big about Radio One?" Justin asked.
"Radio One is like the British version of MTV; everyone in the country listens to it." Kate answered.
"Plus all the internet-listeners. It would be fantastic if they get my single on their 'A' Play list." I commented.
"It already is," Kate said, "The single got it's world première two weeks ago and has been played to death ever since."
"That sounds good" Justin commented.
"I'm not sure about MTV" I mused.
"Why?" Kate asked as we entered the outskirts of London.
"Well, it's hardly got a large audience." I answered, "Doesn't seem worth it for 15 minutes on 'Select'."
"They want you to do other stuff as well, including an interview." Kate said as she flicked through her papers. "Here's a more detailed schedule for that day." Kate handed me an A4 sheet that had every detail of my day on it, from when I should leave the hotel to when I could eat dinner. "The video is getting played every other minute. It's top of both the 'Box' and 'Smash Hits' and in the top ten of 'Q'."
"What about time for Darren to relax?" Justin asked, looking rather puzzled at the local industry-speak, "I take it you've heard about what happened at TRL."
"I'm OK." I stressed to Justin.
"We've shifted some things and Darren now has five days off to visit his family." Kate smiled at Justin's concern.
"Five days?" Justin asked.
"We originally planned for two," Kate said, "It's all in there."
"I get from the second 'til the seventh off!" I exclaimed as I reached the end of the schedule. "I'll be home for Guy Fawkes!"
"Guy Fawkes?" Justin questioned.
"You'll see" I replied.
"I'm going with you?" Justin asked with surprise.
"Yes" I replied, slightly puzzled, "What else would you do?"
"I don't know. I thought you'd want some private time that's all."
"Well I will," I said, "I don't exactly hide my emotions from you do I?" I asked sarcastically.
"I don't know" Justin mumbled to himself as the atmosphere in the car took a turn for the worst.
"Well that was fun!" I said with angry sarcasm as I climbed into my car, closely followed by Kate. I had just finished a marathon six hours of interviews for various teeny magazines. After having the same dull questions posed again and again I was just about ready to drop into bed. Justin had decided to do his own thing today after he had spent the last two days sitting quietly in a corner whilst I was dressed, made-up, photographed and questioned. He had spent the day shopping on Oxford Street with Fay and Steve.
We had arrived in London early Sunday morning. It was now Saturday evening and I had finally finished all the crappy interviews that I hadn't been looking forward to. I had tomorrow off before the next week, which was occupied by TV appearances and recordings.
The car pulled up to the doors of the hotel that Justin and I were in.
"I'll see you tomorrow" Kate said as I got out, only to find that I was suddenly attacked by three pen-wielding fans.
"Darren!" one of the yelled. I turned in panic to see the car speeding away.
"Good evening" I answered, resigned to my fate, as I autographed a picture of me being held out by another of them.
"You are staying here!" a girl of fourteen said triumphantly.
"We love your video!"
"Thanks" I signed another picture.
"We're all gonna buy it"
"Make sure all your friends do as well" I joked.
"Sir," the doorman asked as he came over to see what the fuss was, "Are these people causing any problem?"
"No," I answered, "But I've really got to go." I said to the fans that now had every piece of paper on them signed.
"Good luck!" One of them yelled as I walked into the hotel.
'How the hell did they find out where I am?' I thought as I waited for the lift.
The lift doors opened and I stood aside to let the occupants get out before I entered. The stress of the past week's relentless interviews had caused me to miss some sleep and that was causing me to feel a headache coming on. Yet, although I was under pressure, I hadn't had any nightmares of significance since I got off the plane. I guess my mind was too focused on work to stray into that area again. Plus I knew Justin was only on the other side of the wall. With him being the only person who seemed to, well not understand, more like accept it as it was, the fact that he was close by took a lot of the stress away.
The doors opened and I stepped out onto my floor. Everyone was on this floor: Steve, Fay, Seb, Justin and I. Kate lived in Greenwich, so she didn't need a room. I jiggled the key in my door until it finally opened. With a massive sense of relief, I fell through the door and threw myself onto the bed. I was ready to fall asleep.
"Tired?" A voice asked. I jerked my head up to see that Justin was standing by the door that I hadn't quite closed. "I thought I heard you arrive back."
"Buy anything?" I asked, waving Justin in.
"Whatcha think?" Justin laughed.
"I'm guessing that you've boosted the UK economy by several percentage points!" I replied. Justin closed the door behind him and came to sit next to me on the bed.
"You look shattered" Justin commented as he saw my ragged appearance.
"I've got massive bags under my eyes," I said pulling at my face to make them seem even worse, "They're big enough to carry your shopping in!"
"Very funny!" Justin said as he playfully shoved me.
"What are you here for?" I asked humorously.
"Can't a guy just check up on a friend?"
"Not when the guy's you." I laughed.
"Well I wondered if you fancied dinner." Justin asked.
"So there was an ulterior motive."
Justin smirked.
"So, you hungry?"
"I could do with something." I said as I realised that I was actually quite hungry.
"Good," Justin said perkily, "I'll meet you in thirty minutes."
"What?" I exclaimed, "Where are you off to?"
"To get changed. We're not going to McDonalds." Justin said with sarcasm, "You'll need a suit."
"Sorry!" I replied, "I just thought you would be homesick for American culture by now" I laughed.
"Whatever!" Justin said, "Thirty minutes." With that he closed the door.
'A suit?' I thought, 'Well if that's what Justin thinks'. I proceeded to the bathroom in order to wash the grime of the city from my body.
After spending far too long sorting my hair out I went over to my cases and dug my suit out from its carrier. A black suit and my formal coat were amongst things I always travelled with; you never know when you're going to need them.
I felt kind of odd to be going out to dinner with Justin. It was only a fortnight since the planned wedding and I wasn't exactly sure of the relationship that we had. I knew that Justin had wanted to take our friendship further, but I had said a definite 'No'. Now I wondered if Justin had chosen to ignore that statement and try his luck again. I looked myself over in the mirror: black Italian suit, reasonably fashionable shirt and tie, Italian leather shoes, my cashmere coat and a matching scarf. I was quite pleased with the final result. I knew that I had too many issues to let myself get involved with anyone. This hadn't been a problem until recently. Before the incident on that beach, thousands of miles away, I had been willing to push people away until I had sorted everything out. Now I found that my tactics weren't working, I didn't want to push Justin away, in fact I needed him to be close by. That paradox had been the catalyst for my breakdown at the wedding and my relapse at TRL. I wasn't exactly sure how I would handle it if Justin decided to try and pressurise me into something before I had found my footing again with my mental paradox.
The phone rang, stopping my thoughts.
"Hello?" I said speaking into the receiver.
"You ready?" Justin asked.
"Just about" I answered, checking my hair again in the mirror.
"Well, the taxi's due any minute so we should get going."
"OK. I'll meet you in the corridor." I said, finishing the phone conversation.
"Would you care for desert?" the waiter asked us as he removed our empty plates. Justin and I had arrived at the restaurant two hours ago and we had just finished our main course along with a bottle of champagne.
"I'm OK, thanks" I answered, "But I could do with a good strong coffee."
"I think I'll just have one as well," Justin said.
"Very good." the waiter said before heading off to fulfil our order.
"He's got a cute ass." Justin whispered across the table. I practically choked on my mouthful of champagne.
"What!" I laughed, trying to keep the volume at one that wouldn't be heard on the neighbouring tables.
"It's not as cute as yours though." Justin added with a grin.
"OK" I said, "You've had far too much to drink" I moved the empty bottle away from Justin with only a hint of humour in my voice. I simply couldn't believe that Justin had said what he had done. I knew that he had been with Joey way back, but Justin had never, and I mean never, even looked at another guy, let alone comment on their ass. It completely weirded me out.
"Don't look at me like that." Justin said seeing my expression change at his last comment.
"I'm not." I answered, averting my eyes.
"I though you knew how I felt"
"I think what happened on that beach gave it away" I answered.
"And I thought you felt the same"
"I do, I mean I did... I don't know" I stumbled over my words.
"You don't know?" Justin asked softly.
"I mean, I don't know if I want to let myself with everything that's going on in my head. I though you knew that."
"I do" Justin replied simply, "I don't want to see you in pain, but when I do all I want to do is hold you until it goes away."
"I don't want to force you though all my shit"
"I want to, you wouldn't be forcing me." Justin explained, taking my hand in his.
"And I couldn't be more grateful for that"
"But..."
"That's just it, I'm not sure that there is one."
The waiter brought our coffees over and Justin dropped my hand as if it were diseased.
"Can we have the check please" Justin asked the waiter before turning back to me, "So it's just what ever you want goes?"
"Are you implying that simply because you want something, that you should get it?" I asked, my anger rising.
"No" Justin quickly corrected himself, "I just don't want to be forced to standby and watch that's all."
"I already promised that I would tell you!"
"Yeah. And just when's that gonna be?"
"Soon" I stressed, "I'm not sure when, but as soon as possible."
"OK" Justin relented, "But if you go all freaky again, you're telling everything."
"Sure." I agreed with somewhat dubious thoughts about what I was letting myself in for.
Chapter Twenty
The last few leaves were just about clinging onto the trees despite the fact it was nearing the end of October. The weather had a distinct wintry feel to it. Justin and I had decided to brave the cold and leave our hotel for a walk around the parks. The air had that characteristic smell of immanent rain so I was carrying an umbrella along with a plastic bag containing the lunch we had picked up from a small shop on the edge of the park. It was Sunday, my day off.
"It's nice here" Justin mused as we walked along the edge of the Serpentine lake in Hyde Park. I smiled at Justin's enjoyment of the scenery.
"Fancy a bite to eat?" I asked as my stomach growled.
"Sure." Justin said, "How about we sit over there?" He pointed to a bench that faced out over the lake and into the expanse of the park.
We wandered over, sat and began our lunches. We huddled together to keep warm, but also because we simply wanted to sit that close.
"Whatcha got in your sarny?" I asked Justin as a pungent smell wafted over.
"Thai chilli prawns."
"Giz us a bite" I begged. Justin held his sandwich up for me to take a mouthful.
"I want some of yours in return."
"It's egg-mayonnaise." I stated, "You must have had that before."
"It's not a fair exchange otherwise." Justin grinned.
I gave in a held my baguette out. Justin leant in a took a bite out of it, but not before I 'slipped' and got mayonnaise on his nose.
"Hey!" Justin exclaimed, "You did that on purpose!"
"Did not!" I countered, poorly.
Justin threw one of his prawns at me. It stuck itself to my forehead.
"You're dead!" I shouted as I stuck my finger in my baguette and lunged at Justin who fell backwards so that he was lying on the bench with me on top of him, trying to smear egg on his face. Justin grabbed my hand just before I managed to get the egg on its target and tried to force it away. He was about to succeed when the prawn fell from my forehead and landed on Justin's cheek. We both stopped struggling for a second before bursting out laughing. Justin took his moment; whilst I was still laughing and not really paying attention, Justin grabbed my egg-mayonnasied finger and began to lick the sandwich filling off. The unexpected sensation caused me to suddenly stop laughing.
"Mmm. Tasty." Justin said as he pulled my finger from his mouth. I stared into Justin's eyes, trying to see past the humour of the moment. Slowly I began to lean into Justin's face. His lips began to pucker in anticipation, but they were to be deceived. Just before our lips made contact, I shifted my target and kissed the Thai chilli prawn from Justin's cheek before returning to sitting upright.
Justin sat up a second or two later looking slightly dejected.
"Where to now?" I asked as if nothing had just happened.
"Erm, the palace?" Justin hesitantly suggested.
"OK" With that we stood from the bench and began to walk south towards Buckingham Palace.
"I can't wait to those photos from yesterday." Justin smirked as we walked past the Albert Memorial.
"I want to know how they're gonna make them look decent. I was practically falling asleep all afternoon."
"They'll airbrush it out."
"Airbrush what?" I asked, still laughing.
"Your face?" Justin suggested as he leapt up from the bench to avoid my fist.
"Come back here!" I yelled after him. I would have gone after him but I would have to carry too much stuff to even begin to catch him up.
"Why should I?" Justin taunted.
"Have it your own way," I said, trying my reverse-psychology and walking off down the path.
"Hey!" Justin called, "Wait up!" Within a few seconds he was back walking by my side.
"It's raining" Justin said as a splash of rain fell on his outstretched hand.
"So it is." I replied, putting my umbrella up over myself alone.
"Hey!" Justin exclaimed, "I'm still in the rain."
"I thought you wouldn't want to be seen sharing a brolly with a cheap rent- boy." I teased.
"If that bothered me do you think I'd do this?" Justin asked as he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into a kiss underneath the umbrella. Justin broke the kiss to check for any signs of me changing my mind. "Am I allowed under?"
"Uhm..." I found myself grinning back at Justin so I quickly replaced that with a blank stare, "Maybe... I'm still not convinced" I lied rather unconvincingly.
"Well I ain't gonna jump your bones here am I?"
"Dunno" I said of handedly as I continued to walk in the dry, letting Justin slowly get more and more wet in the gradually increasing rain.
"If that's what you want, there's some bushes over there." Justin said, playing along.
"My mother always told me never to sleep with someone who's all wet"
"If I were under there I could dry off..." Justin said suggestively.
"Well, when you put it like that" I said, allowing Justin under the brolly.
The size of the umbrella forced us to walk just about cheek-to-cheek. As the rain grew steadily more intense we walked past Buckingham Place and down the Mall before cutting through a side street to reach Parliament Square.
"What is that?" Justin exclaimed, pointing up in the air.
"The London Eye." I answered, following Justin's finger up towards the giant Ferris wheel that peaked over the roofs of the buildings.
"I want to go on it" Justin proclaimed.
"Hey! Hey!" A young voice yelled, "It's Darren!" The rain had relented for now but the air still smelt of unfallen rain.
"Shit!" Justin whispered to me, "we've been spotted."
"I can't believe it's you!" The 11-year-old looking girl chirped at me. "Could you take a photo of us?" The girl held her camera out to Justin before grabbing my and yanking me into a pose.
"Sure" Justin said reluctantly.
"Why are you friends with an American?" the girl whispered in my ear as Justin tried to figure out the camera.
"He just hangs out with me cus' I'm famous" I joked. "Isn't that right Justin?" I said louder to get a response.
"What's right?" Justin asked.
"Just say yes." I told him. Justin glared at me jokingly.
"Say cheese!" Justin said with a hint of feigned anger.
"Cheese!" the girl and I said in unison.
"Thank you so much!" The girl bubbled as Justin handed her camera back.
"You're welcome" I replied before the girl ran off to relocate her parents.
With the exception of that interruption, we queued in silence. In about 15 minutes we were in one of the giant carriages on our own. The lozenge shaped glass structure gave us panoramic views (of the queue since we hadn't moved yet). As we were slowly lifted up into the air London was slowly revealed under us.
"Wow" I exhaled at the view.
"You can see for miles..." Justin murmured.
"It's fantastic isn't it?"
Justin came over and stood next to me as I looked down the Thames. His hand brushed against mine and quickly they were intertwined.
We stood like that for getting on for ten minutes, enjoying each other's presence rather than the view.
When we neared the apex of the ride after nearly a quarter of an hour, Justin lightly squeezed my hand. I turned, expecting that Justin would want something he had seen identifying. Instead I found his lips pressed up against mine. To my surprise I didn't recoil in shock, something in Justin's kiss subdued any kind of fear. Justin's lips caressed mine with a feeling of pure love as my lips returned the sentiment. After what seemed like a very brief moment we separated. Our free hands found each other and held on. Justin glanced around to check that none of the other cars were up high enough to have seen us.
"Just think; we just kissed in front of millions of on lookers." I thought as I looked out over the city again. Justin, still holding my hands, gently rubbed his forefinger across them before stroking my wrists. I shook involuntarily and jerked my hands from Justin's grip.
"What's up?" Justin asked with concern, "I didn't hurt you did I?" He tried to check my wrists but I pulled my hands away again.
"It's nothing" I tried to bluff.
"No it's not" Justin was having none of it, "What's wrong with your wrists?"
"Nothing!" I stressed, showing them to Justin for a second but before I could push my hands into my pocket Justin grabbed hold of my hands.
"This could count as you going freaky..." Justin referred to our agreement. In an attempt to not appear 'freaky' I decided to let Justin inspect my wrists, hoping that his investigation wouldn't be very thorough.
Justin peered at my left wrist intently. Slowly he brushed his finger over something he had seen, I inhaled, knowing what he had found. Justin switched to my right wrist and did the same thing before pulling them together and looking up into my eyes with an un-vocalised question. I swallowed, not knowing what to do. Justin closed his eyes as they welled up before he dropped my hands and walked over to the other end of the car.
I sat down on the floor with my back to the glass as I realised that Justin was going to find out more than I was willing to tell him at the moment.
"Are they what I think they are?" Justin asked in a wavering voice still with his back to me.
"Yes" I answered, swallowing back tears of my own.
"Why?" Justin turned towards me; his face was streaked with tears.
"It's just..." I faltered, "I..." I looked at the scar on my wrist and burst into tears. In a flash Justin was kneeling at my side with his arms around me. I dissolved into tears in his arms, but not the usual sobs of fear. Instead tears of sorrow and regret for what I had done replaced.
After a few minutes in Justin's arms my tears began to subside.
"That was definitely a freak-out" Justin joked before turning serious once more, "You've got to tell me what's inside your head Darren. All this scares me."
"It used to scare me." I admitted, my tears drying up.
"Used to?" Justin asked, "What changed your mind?"
"You did" I replied, "I don't know what it is, but when you're near it's as if I can accept everything that happened."
"That's just it, what happened?"
"I'm not sure I can tell you."
"You promised" Justin responded sternly.
"I know, but I can't even think about it all logically at the moment, let alone put it into words."
Justin looked at me for a second and then gave in.
"OK" Justin said.
"I promise I'll tell you before we go back to the states" I said, looking into Justin's eyes to make sure he realised I was telling the truth. He nodded, accepting the compromise.
"We're almost at the bottom." Justin said as the car we were in edged its way towards the exit. We both stood up from the floor and prepared to get off. Justin's arm was still around my shoulder when the attendant opened the door and we exited the car.
"Vertigo attack." Justin said to the attendant to explain away my teary eyes and our embrace.
We headed off down the south embankment, walking alongside the river and down towards Greenwich.
We stopped and leant over the wall to look over the river. I let my head drop so that I was looking down at the muddy banks that were exposed by the low tide. I felt the I was being watch so I lifted my head up again. Justin was staring intently at me.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I'm worried about you." Justin stated.
"There's nothing to worry about" I answered.
"What about your wrists?"
"That happened over a year ago"
"But you tried to kill yourself" Justin stressed. I turned and walked away in the direction we had been heading. Justin jogged to catch me up.
"Don't try and press me to talk please" I said, "I don't need the stress."
"I'm worried!"
"And I said I'll tell you in the next week!" I responded loudly.
We walked in silence for the next quarter of a mile. My mind was arguing with itself about telling Justin. On one hand I knew that I had to tell him, not only had I promised, but I also owed him an explanation. On the other hand, I didn't think that I would ever be ready to tell him, but telling him might help... The argument raged back and forth. By now the sun was low in the autumn sky.
"It's raining again." I stated as a drop struck my face. I put the brolly up again and waited for Justin to come under. When he chose to remain in the gathering rain I got confused. "You not coming under here?"
"I didn't think you'd want me to." Justin said with an emotional voice.
"Of course I do stupid boy" I joked. Justin hopped over to join me in the dry.
"I just thought you were pissed off at me."
"I could never stay angry at you Justin," I cooed, "You're like a dog," I laughed causing Justin to humph.
"I think we should head back to the hotel. It's getting dark." Justin stated.
"I love the early nights of winter."
"Weirdo"
I continued unperturbed, "They're perfect for snuggling up with something warm." I jiggled against Justin's arm for effect.
"I think I could grow to like them." Justin laughed.
"I love midwinter, when the sun barely rises above the horizon at eight and sets by five. It's romantic"
"Sounds like a short day" Justin commented.
"More time in bed." I joked causing Justin to smile, "Come one, let's get to a Tube station."
We quickened our pace until we reached London Bridge station.
"What's going on?" Justin asked as we walked up towards the station entrance that was blocked by a couple of policemen.
"I'm not sure." I confessed.
"I'm sorry but the station's closed" one of the policemen said as we approached.
"Where's the nearest open station?" I asked.
"They're all closed. Bomb alert." The other officer answered.
"Looks like we're walking" I said to Justin before thanking the policemen.
Justin and I headed to the bridge to begin our long walk back to our hotel. The rain was now hammering down on us. I was thankful that I had decided to bring the umbrella out.
By the time we passed Saint Paul's we were just about running, desperately trying to keep the umbrella at an angle where it was useful. Our trousers were soaked from the knee downwards.
We halted at a pelican crossing and waited for the green man. A bus sped past us and went straight through the puddle at the edge of the road sending a cascade of water right over Justin and I as we stood at the curb. I looked at Justin, he looked at me and we burst out laughing. The man changed to green, we crossed and still laughing, we continued our quick walk / slow run. By the time we were half way up Regent Street the laughter caught up with us. Justin suddenly stopped; the laughing had caused him to get out of breath rather quicker than usual. I halted after a couple more paces and turned back to see Justin doubled over, hands on knees, trying to get his breath back in the torrential rain.
"Come here" I said as I ran back, grabbed Justin's arm and pulled him into the doorway of a closed shop. I started to laugh again which caused Justin to as well, our lack of breath making the situation even funnier. I glanced at Justin who was wiping the rain from his head and my emotions flipped. I stopped laughing and simply watched Justin who then stopped laughing to see why I had. We gazed into each other's eyes for a second before I spoke up.
"You're all wet." I said.
"Now I'm never gonna get laid" Justin joked.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," I said as I positioned my back against the shop door so that Justin's back was to the pavement. Justin raised his eyebrows. "You could always get a hooker."
Justin gave me a sarcastic grin with closed eyes. Those eyes flew open as my lips meet his. I shifted the umbrella so that were we shielded from the eyes of passer-bys. Justin's lips moved as I gently sucked on them. His hands dragged across my wet clothes until they rested at the base of my spine. I wrapped my spare arm around Justin's back, pulling him closer as I ran my tongue along his upper lip. Justin opened his mouth and drew my tongue in before lightly sucking on it. I closed my eyes and slipped into bliss.
Chapter Twenty-One
"That was fantastic!" Justin said as he applauded from the corner of the room. The band and I had just finished our final rehearsal before we played live to millions of listeners for Radio One.
It was Thursday, my final day of work in the UK. Justin and I had practically been inseparable for the past five days since our day in the rain on Sunday.
We had gotten in from that walk home soaked to the bone and we had to fight to keep our hands off each other all the way back to our rooms. That evening we spent wrapped around each other on Justin's bed. Every evening since then we had spent together, just sitting in an embrace and chatting for hours on end. And when we ran out of things to say we kissed until we fell asleep in each other's arms.
It was odd when I thought about it that I would be so close to Justin so quickly after I had attempted to forget he ever existed. It wasn't quite three weeks since the 'wedding' but somehow it seemed all right. We had avoided the subject of Britney, more because we both hadn't got our positions straight in our heads yet. Another thorn in our side was how the rest of N'Sync would react when we decided to tell them, I think we both had a pretty good idea of how Chris would react but the others were somewhat of a mystery.
I grabbed my water, walked past the large, soundproof window into the studio where Jo Whiley was presenting her radio show and went over to sit next to Justin. Of course as we were in the station we had to keep our hands to ourselves so we had to be satisfied with simply sitting close enough so that we touched.
"I can't believe how good that sounded" Justin gushed.
"It was good, but not great." I said, "But the group are new to my songs so I can't really push them like I did your band."
"You wanted to re-jig the songs?" Justin asked using my word for how I changed songs for each type of performance.
"Well, not 'Death Disco'. As it's the single it has to sound the same as the CD version."
"I can't wait until you get your own group. Then you'll rock every place you play." Justin laughed, "Not to mention you'll work the poor bastards into an early grave."
"I just wish Steve was here by now"
"I thought he was due in twenty minutes, in plenty of time for the second part?"
"He is, but I'd still like him here just to know that he wouldn't be late, again." I referred to our performance on Top of The Pops (TOTP) that we had recorded yesterday. Steve had turned up twenty minutes late and that meant we lost our slot in the recording schedule and were held up for another three hours.
"Mr. Gallouédec?" The assistant produce said from the doorway.
"Yes?" I said standing.
"We'll be ready for your first two tracks in about three minutes."
"OK, right" My nerves jumped.
"When the red light goes on that's your queue to start." The assistant said before disappearing out of the door again. I walked over to take up my position; the band and I had decided on a circular set-up to ease communication during the performance. As it was radio, there was no need for a 'front' to the group. Jo's voice came through the speakers all of a sudden.
"This guy's single was our most requested in the last week, his album is about to be released and he has just finished touring with one of the world's largest pop acts. Here, from the Live Lounge is Darren Gallouédec."
The red light came on.
I nodded to the group for them to start as I took a deep breath. My insides were like jelly and I wasn't sure my voice would hold out. I glanced over to Justin who was still sitting in the corner watching me intently and my nerves drained away. The intro ended and I began to sing the first verse of 'I Got U'. Usually this song was an up-tempo pop ballad-esque thing, but with the band I had tweaked the bass so it had more of a presence, giving the song a more 'dance' feel (something that I knew would appeal to the UK listeners). For the chorus I started up a DAT tape of strings to try and recreate the original's chorus. Of course if I could fit a fifty-piece orchestra in the tiny room we were playing in I would have; I just love live music. The string sample ended and I entered the second verse. Justin was tapping his foot over in the corner and through the window I could see that Jo was actually getting into the music as well as she bobbed her head in time with the music as she set up for the next part of her show; an interview with me.
Before I knew it the song entered its final chorus and drew to a close. The band struck out the first few bars of 'Death Disco' and I was away again for four more minutes.
The song ended and the red light switched off.
"That was great!" I enthused to the band.
"Damn sure" Justin added, grinning at me.
I was about to strike up a conversation when the assistant entered the room again.
"That was excellent. Darren, could you come this way please."
I followed him out of the room, down the corridor a few feet and then through a door and into Jo Whiley's studio.
"Hi Darren" Jo said, extending her hand towards me.
"Good afternoon" I replied as I shook her hand.
"That sounded great" she motioned for me to take a seat. Mis-Teeq's new single was playing quietly in the background.
"Thank you" I said, blushing.
"We've got a few more minutes before we're back on," Jo said, "Just relax and everything will go great."
I nodded, getting comfortable in the chair and moistening my dry throat with the water in front of me. "OK, I've got Darren Gallouédec here," Jo started the interview without warning, catching me slightly off guard. "The songs you just performed were excellent."
"Cheers" I said, trying to keep the nerves from my voice.
"That's not the type of performance one would expect from a 'pop' artist. Are you trying to keep yourself from being tarred by the 'pop' label?"
"Well, I can't deny that what I do it pop, but hopefully it has more substance to it than some of the other 'artists' out there."
"It has to be asked" Jo laughed lightly, "A gay pop star; cliché?"
I laughed.
"Well it would be if I pranced around on stage singing disco-pop, but I don't"
"Are there many other gay people in the industry?"
"Some" I smiled.
"Names?"
"Stephen Gately" I laughed,
"New names?"
"Darren Gallouédec?"
Jo laughed at my avoiding the question.
"I guess if you did know any you'd keep quiet, right? It could ruin careers."
"I'd hope the music-buying public aren't as shallow as to stop buying someone's music simply because they come out." I stated, "It's just not my place to reveal personal information. It's hard enough trying to keep a private life once you get famous without your friends stabbing you in the back."
"Talking about famous friends, I hear that you've brought one along today?"
"Uhm, yeah" I replied hesitantly, "Justin Timberlake is next door."
"Now that's Britney Spears' beau isn't it?"
"Not anymore" I had to grin, "they broke up a while ago."
"So he's free then?" Jo said suggestively.
"Yes he is" I replied with an equal tone.
"He's a bit on the young-side for me, but I know that Emma B has a crush on him."
"I bet she's running down here now!" I laughed.
"You were on tour with him and the rest of N'Sync until last month weren't you?"
"Yeap, I did just over a month on their US tour." I answered.
"Any tour gossip?"
"Joey wears briefs" I joked.
"What are the guys like?"
"Well..." I procrastinated to try and think of something to say about them all, "Justin's the funniest guy I've met in a long time, Lance is a great listener when you get down from living in buses and hotels for weeks on end, JC mediates the arguments, Joey's mad, plain and simple and Chris tries to keep them in order, like the father."
"Did you catch them naked?" Jo giggled.
"No!"
"Not even during the sound-checks or costume-changes?"
"I'm never near the stage when they're on so I never see them so a wardrobe- change" I had to grin at Jo's persistence, "And as they're the main act, they get all the sound-check time so that I usually get five or ten minutes. I don't have time to go and peek through dressing-room keyholes."
"What CD was on your stereo when you were on the tour bus?"
"If I had just performed, 'At The Drive-In' to tire me out. Otherwise I listened to loads of 'Les Rythmes Digitales'." I explained.
"At The Drive-In?" Jo questioned.
"What?"
"That's not what I'd expect a popstar to be listening to"
"People rarely live up to their stereotypes" I smiled.
"Well, with that I think we'll play N'Sync's latest, here's 'Gone'." Jo pressed a button and the CD began to play before she flicked another switch and the red light that showed our mics were on turned off. "How you feeling?"
"OK now, I was nervous as hell at first" I confessed.
"It didn't show" Jo smiled as she moved a stack of paper around on her desk.
"When are we due to do the other two tracks?" I asked, getting worried again that Steve wasn't here yet.
"In about quarter of an hour" Jo said, "Depending"
I looked through the glass and into the room next door. The band were retuning their instruments and doing final run-throughs by the looks of it. Justin was nowhere to be seen. I guess he had gone to the toilet or something.
"Hi" a voice said from the door, causing me to spin around. It was Justin.
"Hey! Come on in" Jo said indicating a seat next to me for him. "You're Justin right?"
"Yeah" Justin said, shaking her hand before sitting in his seat.
"Are you staying?" I asked.
"I guess so" Justin smiled.
"How did I sound?"
"Fine" Justin answered, grinning in the same way he was when I had finished performing a while back.
The rest of the interview passed by in a flash. Jo asking questions that caused us both to blush on more than one occasion and some very odd callers proposing to Justin. Steve eventually turned up, only five minutes late.
"I can't believe you lot hired him!" I exclaimed as Justin and I entered my hotel room at five that afternoon.
"We need a replacement dancer and Lance seemed to think he would suit the job." Justin said as he removed his coat and hung it over a chair back as I nonchalantly tossed mine across the room in the vague direction of the wardrobe.
"God! I am famished!" I complained as my stomach decided to roll over on itself. "I haven't eaten since lunch. The BBC food looked like it was vomited up by a poorly-fed chimp."
"Room service?" Justin asked laughing at my description of the food we had been offered and politely turned down at Radio One.
"Did you fancy going out?" I replied, not wanting Justin to feel we were going to waste our last night in London.
"Not if you don't feel like it." Justin answered. I rolled my eyes, not up for the game where no one does what they want because they want to please the other and then both end up unhappy anyway.
"Well go out later. I can't face a restaurant right now" I said as I flopped down on the bed.
"You tired of your adoring public?" Justin inquired as he sat down on the bed near where my head had landed. I gave him 'puppy eyes' and pouted a 'yes'. "I'll call room service." Justin said as he grinned at my act.
"Nothing healthy" I requested as Justin picked up the phone, "Were off duty for the next few days"
Within half an hour Justin and I were tucking into large slices of veggie pizza. We were both watching some Australian soap on the TV, I was sitting on the end of the bed and Justin had positioned himself on the floor between my legs. Every so often a piece of pizza topping would drop onto his head causing him to mumble until I picked it off. I found that if I kissed it off he mumbled even more.
"Ooo..." Justin hummed as I drew my fingers back across his scalp. "That feels gooood." I responded by repeating the motion causing Justin to squirm slightly. Using one finger I traced a pattern across the stubble on Justin's head, slowly moving towards the back of his neck. I reached his hairline and tickled the skin there. Suddenly Justin leapt up and jumped on me, forcing me back onto the mattress.
"Whatcha doing?" I asked innocently as Justin's face hovered inches from mine.
"Dunno" Justin grinned as he lowered his body onto mine so that we were in contact from our feet all the way up. "Muscle spasm?"
"Dangerous things those" I murmured against Justin's lips as he bent down to great mine. Justin's lips made gentle contact and suckled on my bottom lips for a moment before I felt his tongue flick across. I parted my lips and accepted it into my mouth. Our tongues danced back and forth for a second before Justin relented and we both sank into the emotion of the moment.
End of Part Eight.
Well, I hope it was worth the wait. Again I apologise for the lengthy gap.
Comments? Send them to me at svjsr@hotmail.com
JJ