Say Goodbye to Sparkleland

Say Goodbye to Sparkleland Chapter 11

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Email: timothylane414@gmail.com

As a reminder, Mitchell is in his fourth session with Dr. Logan Horwood. In chapter 10, he recounted an emotionless experience with Brock.

11

I continued the session with Logan.

"I was really in love with Cruz. To this day, part of me slightly misses him. And I felt I had fallen in love with you — sorry. So, deep in me, I missed that. I think I wanted that. As much as I liked Arlo, we were just a momentary thing. With Brock, it just hit me upside the face. The absolute void of ... nothing being felt, it was like my heart had died."

"That sounds like `just sex' wasn't going to work for you."

"Right. I guess. I'm not sure. I think my heart wanted to feel, but my brain told me that falling for someone would only eventually bring pain. There was that conflict going on. But I think it was more than that. I missed it. I missed ... you. I missed Cruz. What we had."

"Love is an extremely strong emotion. It makes us do all sorts of things. Devotion, dedication, passion. We're willing to make sacrifices. We put others' needs before our own."

"And all that sounds wonderful — like a good person."

"And you didn't feel like you were a good person."

"I wanted to feel good. And I wasn't. I didn't. Mom could sense it. She kept asking me what was wrong. I kept telling her I was concerned about getting a job. And I told her I was missing Jackson Bend. Which was true. Eventually, I sat down with my parents. We talked about me moving to Jackson Bend to try to start my career. It was a bigger city. Not a huge metropolis, but still bigger than back home. And I knew the city. I liked it."

"So how long until you moved here?"

"I think we started that talk after I had been home about two weeks. By the end of June, they drove with me and helped me find an apartment. It was fate, in a way. I showed them some things around the campus and ran into a college friend that was taking a summer class before receiving his degree. During our conversation, we discovered both of us needed an apartment, or to be more precise, we both needed a roommate to reduce expenses. He made a recommendation of one he'd like but knew he couldn't afford it on his own. We all went to look at it ... and voila. It was fate."

"Was that Bostic?"

"Yeah. Martin Bostic."

"I remember him. Within a few weeks, I was working at a bank, and he was going through police training. I wasn't wild about my job, but you just don't leave college and jump into a CEO position."

Logan chuckled.

"The bank was a steppingstone until my job at the firm came to be."

"So, your next ... `number' ... was in Jackson Bend?"

"Yeah. It had been a few weeks since Brock. I had gotten used to just ... taking care of myself, so to speak. Finally, I just felt the need to be with gay people. I remembered Daniel's. You know, the gay bar."

Logan nodded.

"I had gone there a few times. I didn't consider myself a good dancer, so I preferred it over Indigo."

"I remember us going dancing a few times."

"Later. When I was with people. And had some drinks in me."

Logan smiled. "I can relate."

"So, as I sat at the bar, I listened to others talking from time to time. There was talk about Grindr."

"Are you an app person?"

"No! I didn't know what it was. I guess it had been around a little while, but ... back then, I just wanted my phone to work. I hated dropped calls. I didn't care if my phone played games or took pictures. I owned a camera. I just wanted the phone to be a phone. I didn't become obsessed with putting a lot of apps on my phone. So, I eventually asked the bartender what they were talking about."

Logan wiggled a pen between two fingers. I wondered if he was thinking of writing something down. I'm sure my upcoming confession would warrant a scribble.

"Anyway, the bartender took out his phone and showed me the app. He said he figured the majority of people in the bar were on it. When he opened the app, I was astonished at how many people in the vicinity were on it. Astonished!"

"Millions."

"The next day I couldn't get it out of my mind. If it was a way to meet people, then maybe it was for me. I wasn't super outgoing at that time, so I didn't strike up a lot of conversations at the bar. I just wanted to be among gay people. To feel like I belonged."

"Did that help?"

"Some. I didn't feel alone and felt lonely at the same time. I know that makes no sense, but-"

"It makes perfect sense. There's an expression: Alone in a crowd."

"On Friday night of that week, I decided to make a Grindr profile. I was honest. Described myself, my interests, took a pic of me."

After I paused, Logan said, "And?"

"I was afraid to open it that night. I got courage the next day. I thought if I opened it in the daytime, maybe it would be nicer to meet someone over lunch or something. I was still a coward. I must have picked up my phone a dozen times. Finally in the middle of the afternoon, I opened the app. I was surprised at how many ... choices ... I had nearby. I scrolled through a few. There was a guy who I thought was good looking. We connected and set up a place and time to meet."

After a pause, Logan saw I was hesitant to say anything. I touched my stomach as if it were in knots.

"How did it go?" he softly urged.

"Bad. Good. Terrible. Traumatic."

"Oh my."

I reached for the journal.

"No. 11. `Chuck' — and that's in quotation marks. Handsome, beefy. Hairy chest. Thick dick. Five inches hard. No pre-cum. Clearish, thin cum — a lot! Huge balls."

"Why do you say, `in quotation marks'?"

"I wasn't sure if ... Chuck ... was upfront about anything."

"Tell me about it."

"He wanted to meet at a hotel. Because of that, I was picturing a lot of things. I thought we'd spend a lot of the day together and get to know each other, and because he had gotten a hotel, we'd enjoy the night with each other."

"And it didn't go that way."

We arranged to meet at 3:30. I received a room number at the Sheraton.

I took the elevator to the fourth floor. My heart was pounding. My pulse was racing. I didn't know why I was nervous, but I was. This was all new and slightly strange.

I caught my breath as the door opened.

The two of us looked into each other's eyes. I gave a slight smile.

"I'm Mitch."

"Chuck."

Chuck touched my shoulder. His hand traveled to my neck, with his thumb slowly stroking the facial scruff I had begun to grow. It was forward, but it was kind of nice.

"You're very handsome, Mitch."

"I think you're good looking too."

Chuck walked over and looked out the window. He closed the curtains almost all the way.

"I'm sorry I don't have a lot of time to offer," he said.

I wasn't sure what he meant. Did he have a meeting to get to and we would meet again later? Did he just mean tonight, but I wasn't staying over? It wasn't clear to me.

He unbuttoned his shirt, and it hung open. I was immediately struck by a beautiful chest. I could tell he worked out enough to give his muscles definition, but he wasn't a body builder. It was covered with beautiful fur in all the right places.

"I can't fuck right now, but we can do a lot of things."

Again, I was confused. Clearly, he was wanting sex immediately. Because he was so attractive, I wasn't resisting. By "right now," did that mean he wanted to fuck later?

I had on a short sleeve shirt. Chuck had it unbuttoned and off me in no time.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked.

"Uh. Okay." This was all proceeding oddly to me.

Chuck was a good kisser. His lips on mine felt nice. There was a sensual quality that made our mouths meld together. He placed his hand behind my head and pressed us further into each other. His tongue found mine.

"You're hot, Mitch," his lips whispered as they were millimeters apart from mine. And we kissed again.

His other hand groped my cock through my jeans. I wasn't erect yet, but there was some stiffness forming. Forcefully, he grabbed my wrist and moved my hand to his crotch. It felt like a sausage stuffed in his pants.

"Wow." I breathed.

We pulled apart. Chuck unfastened his fly and grabbed both his boxers and pants, letting them fall to the floor. He pulled on them to step out of them. His socks were ripped off. I just watched him undress, enjoying it. Contrary to Brock, I found Chuck attractive. Imminent sex seemed desirable. Only his shirt hung from his shoulders — open, revealing, inviting.

My gaze drifted to his cock. It was thickest hard-on I had ever seen. It wasn't long, but the girth astounded me. I couldn't wait to feel it.

I unzipped my jeans and pulled them off. My briefs were next, letting my erection spring free.

"Nice and long," he said.

"Um. Thanks."

"I'd love it in me — really love it in me — but I can't."

I lifted a foot.

"Leave your socks on. I think it's sexy. You look hot in the white socks."

"If you say so."

Chuck pulled back the blanket.

"I want to do so many things to you," he said. He leaned his back on the headboard with a pillow behind him. "Come up here and give me that monster."

This was all proceeding too fast. It was hot and a fantasy and — too fast.

His hands held my waist as I moved my hard cock to his mouth. Once his lips sealed around it, he moved me in further.

He moaned, and I breathed heavily. I hadn't had a blowjob since school. The wet warmth around my stretched skin was heaven. Chuck continued to moan, enjoying the pleasure of sucking a man's anatomy.

His hands gripped my ass cheeks. His fingers dug into their fleshiness. He massaged them while he sucked my cock. It was good. It was nice.

With a groaned exhale, I leaned back on my stiff arms. I just gently thrust my organ in and out of his face.

I raised just a little to balance on one arm, so the other could reach back and feel his incredibly thick cock. He moaned louder as I stroked him.

Would I be able to suck a penis that thick? Was it too much? I wasn't sure, but I loved feeling it.

I took the lead and moved back. I turned to the opposite end. Chuck got the idea. We both lay cock to mouth. Minutes went by as we savored each other's manhood. It was harder to suck him than any other man I ever had. I knew my ass would never be able to take it. Arlo alone had been enough. Chuck was just too thick.

Chuck turned around to me. Both of us dug our feet under the pillows. He pulled me into kiss. We groped and kissed. We felt and kissed. We stroked and kissed. I knew my dick was leaking on his hand (or the sheets). His tongue dueled with mine.

"My dick is throbbing, Chuck," I panted. "You are making it feel so good."

"Nice."

"Pull harder, Chuck. I'm close."

Chuck sprang up the bed and worked my cock with force. His mouth was on the head of my cock. He was prepared to swallow.

"Yeah," I breathed. "Oh yeah."

He hummed into my organ.

"I'm coming."

With almost too much strength, he jacked my rod, pumping all of my cum into his throat. He groaned as his mouth filled with it.

He rolled off, exhaling as he said, "Love it."

I kissed his cheek and then reached for his thick sausage.

I groped it.

"Yeah," he said.

I pulled on it.

"Harder," he said.

I jerked harder.

"Faster," he said.

I yanked faster.

"More. Keep going."

I was a piston.

Then Chuck made a growling scream. I knew anyone who might have been in the hall could hear. Before I cautioned him on his volume, Chuck blew like a volcano. A fountain of thin, clear cum exploded from his dick. His body reverberated in his orgasm.

"Love it," he breathed as his body sunk into the bed, descending into a stillness.

I enjoyed looking down on him. I loved seeing the volume of cum all over his sexy-as-hell chest. My finger played in it.

Our time was brief. He was really handsome, so when he initiated sex right away, I didn't resist. It was really hot, I recall. Beautiful body. Still one of the thickest cocks I've seen. I mean, we just jumped into naked activity. I thought we were starting with it, would then do dinner or something, and maybe have another round before we went to bed. He had the hotel room, so..."

"The room wasn't for you."

"It wasn't."

As I came out of the bathroom with a hand towel, I smiled down at Chuck. He smiled back at me.

"You're beautiful," he said.

I leaned down to kiss a drop of cum still clinging to the tip of his cock, as it began to tilt to the side.

"Your balls are massive," I said.

I started to wipe his chest. Part of me wanting to enjoy looking at his splatter painting longer. He took the towel from me and searched for spots that still felt sticky in his wonderful fur.

I buried my face into his crotch and breathed in his ball sac. My tongue licked the underside of his balls. My mouth slobbered over their hefty size. I licked them, still enjoying the bliss of our sexual meeting.

"I like that," he said.

Chuck combed his fingers through my hair as I continued to enjoy his body.

"My wife won't go near my balls. I rarely even get any attempt at a blowjob."

Cymbals crashed in my ears.

"What!!?"

"My wife doesn't like anything but the traditional sex position. She doesn't like to play with my balls."

"Your wife!?"

"Yeah." He sat up. "I probably should get dressed again. She's at the pool with the kids. I told her I was going to take a nap. I imagine she will be up here again before too long."

"Kids?"

My eyes scanned the room as trumpets blared in my skull. How did I miss a tell-tale, large suitcase behind the chair in the corner? Next to it was a bag that contained wet wipes, goldfish crackers and some toys. How was I so blind?

Chuck walked to the window and peered out the opening in the curtain. "They're still there."

He walked over to me, both of us still naked. He fondled my cock. "Thanks for this."

"You didn't say you were married," I whimpered.

"I don't want it on my profile. Might kill the mood for some guys."

"You think?"

"Although some think it is totally hot when they find out."

I was not one of them. What had I done??

I scrambled to get my clothes on. In my rush, I almost fell onto the bed trying to pull my jeans up one of my legs. I had stopped breathing. For some unknown reason, I thought of my parents. They'd die. They'd be mortified, so disappointed in me. Sleeping with a married man? I could hear sirens in my head. For a nanosecond, I feared it was the police coming to take me away in handcuffs.

Chuck, still naked, still hard even, held my shoulders.

"Mitch, relax. You aren't the first."

"That doesn't make me feel better," I said, wrestling with my shirt, trying to get my arm through a sleeve.

"We both enjoyed it."

"Before I knew!"

He squeezed me into a big hug. I wanted to free myself. Any other time, a handsome naked guy with a thick cock and an awesome chest who was a good kisser and had huge balls was holding me, I would love it. I wanted out.

Once my shoes were on, I bolted to the door.

"I enjoyed it, Mitch. I'm sorry this bothers you."

"It does."

"You're totally hot, if that makes you feel better."

"He was married! He even had kids. They were there, down at the pool!"

Just telling this story, I saw my hand trembling.

"This really alarmed you, didn't it?"

"God, yes." My breathing had increased just thinking about it. "How could I be that person??"

"Before you throw yourself into traffic, remember he put himself out there. He brought you in."

"But he was married," I sobbed, suddenly feeling tears run down my cheek. "I just ... I just started thinking of Mom and Dad and – and – and imagining Dad cheating on her. And I was that guy!! I was so freaked out. I felt deceived."

"You were misled, to be sure."

"It was traumatic, Logan. I was so shaken; I didn't trust myself to drive. There was a bar across the street. I went in and ordered a drink just to calm down."

"I see." Logan wrote something down. At least at this point, it seemed like an appropriate time to do so.

I took a deep breath. I grabbed a tissue and dabbed my eyes.

"Do you think bad of me?"

"As your therapist, no. As a close friend, no." I looked at Logan. "I don't discuss my other patients, but I will let you know that I do have one who is absolutely giddy about how many married men he sleeps with."

"That's fucked."

"It works for him."

"Does it work for the wives!??"

"A few, it would seem."

"That's fucked."

"Talk about what happened afterward."

"I knew I needed to drive home, so on my third beer, I paid my tab and told the bartender to not serve me any more." I sobbed again. My eyes squinted to keep tears from escaping, but I had to use the tissue again. I blew snot into it as I regained my composure. "While I sat at that bar, I deleted the app from my phone."

"Chuck was just one person. You can't judge everyone by him."

"I – I – I was so unnerved; I knew I could never do it again. I was done with that."

"Fair enough."

"And then – and then – and then, I saw them out the window. They came out of the hotel and – and – and – and she WALKED BY!" I wailed.

I grabbed a new tissue.

"I saw her," I whimpered. "She was pretty. The kids were little; one of them was in a stroller."

I cried for a moment. Logan let me.

"I'm not going to diminish your feelings here. Clearly, this was a traumatic experience for you," he said. I nodded. "It bothers me that you have internalized it so deeply. He misled you, Mitch. You should really understand that."

"I wasn't innocent." My lip quivered. "What if she had walked in? I wouldn't be able to say I was innocent. And – and – and ... I can never forget Cooper walking in on me and Derek. I didn't want to be that person then, and ... I fucking became that person!!"

I buried my face in my hands. Logan let me cry some more.

After a minute, I got up and lay on Logan's couch. He moved to a different chair that was closer.

"Sorry. I didn't expect that entry to hit me like that."

"It was good. I'm sure it was helpful to get it out."

"It reminds me of what a horrible person I am."

"You aren't a horrible person. At that point, you were very young. You were gaining experience. The fact that you felt so terrible speaks to the character you wanted to have."

"Wanted." I blustered out a puff of air. "I just slept with a guy who was on an app."

"And millions do every day."

I moved an arm over my forehead. "I'm not young anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Cooper walked in on me ... cheating on him. Somehow, we gave it another chance. We tried so hard for months and months. How could I have ever expected him to trust me again?"

"He forgave you."

"He did. Because he's amazing. I'm shit, and he's amazing."

"You're not shit."

"Do you remember it was my suggestion he come talk to you?"

"I do."

"I wanted him to get over whatever was standing in our way of being 100 percent back to normal. Him!! How he even gave us a chance again was amazing."

"He is a fine man. I understand why you loved him."

"Love him. I can't get over him."

"Did you get over me?"

I turned to Logan. "Huh?"

"You said you loved me. I hurt you. Did you get over me?"

"Yeah. Well ... yeah."

"You loved Cruz. How did you get over him?"

"I found you. But part of me will always love Cruz."

"Sure. Hasn't Cooper told you that you will always be in his heart too?"

I sighed. "He did. That was all when I was mad at you, blaming you for letting him fall in love with Laramie." I scoffed. "I'm so fucked up. Blaming you."

"You're making progress, Mitchell."

I hoped so. Still, I seemed to be a total mess most of the time.

* * * *

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