Say Goodbye to Sparkleland

Say Goodbye to Sparkleland Chapter 13

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Each of Mitch's sessions have involved three "men" in the book. The last session recalled unpleasant times that involved meaningless sex, a traumatic dating app experience, and a lover who didn't want to be tied down to one person. This begins the fifth session.

13

"How do you choose your magazines in the waiting room?" I asked Logan, as I entered his office.

"Uh ... I don't. We just have ongoing subscriptions, I think. I've never been involved with them. Are they any good?"

"Honestly, I haven't really looked at them. I just noticed none of the titles interest me."

"Hm." Logan didn't know what to say to that. "It is starting to feel like fall, isn't it?"

"Yes. It's quite cool today. I'm sure Halloween decorations will be going up soon."

"Too soon," he said. "I think they go up earlier than Christmas decorations do."

"I'm not so sure about that. I don't mind the Christmas stuff though. I was never a huge Halloween fan."

I sat my black book down on the table next to the couch in Logan's office.

"Any thoughts since our session last week?" he asked.

"Nothing serious. It was such a downer, I kind of left feelings sort of gloomy, but ... I know we got past that. I sure wasn't proud of any of that ... past."

"But you had emotional breakthroughs, though."

"By emotional, you mean I lost it and cried like a child."

"Mitchell, people tend to hold things inside. They feel telling someone their fears and mistakes makes them look odd or wrong or imperfect. We're all imperfect. We're all fallible. We're human."

"It has been somewhat eye-opening as to what I've kept inside. I really don't know if I could have told this to any other therapist. You put me at ease."

"Well, thank you for that. I still think someone who doesn't know you might have better insights into your growth, but-"

"Nope. It's your insights into ME that I completely trust."

Logan was always professionally dressed. He had a sportscoat on today with no tie. I liked how he looked. I still found him handsome. He was exactly the type of person I could see myself pursuing again. But ... he was married. He and Nate were good. I didn't know his husband well, but I got the clear impression that things were great between them. I always liked a hairy chest, and I could see a little sticking out of Logan's shirt.

"Shall we begin?"

I reached for my book.

"Number 13. Kenneth Parsons. Cop. Five-inch cock soft, eight hard. Tight pubes. Cut. Pre-cum — finally! — loose balls, nice size. Thin cum, great distance. Gorgeous ass."

"These descriptions are certainly interesting."

"This was all your idea, remember."

"Eight inches, that's ... impressive."

"He was Black. I tried not to compare him to Marq, but ... is it stereotyping to think of Black men as hung?"

"Perhaps, but certainly not in a derogatory way."

"Anyway, Marq had thick, white cum and Kenneth was thinner and clearer. Marq's cum was so beautiful on his skin. Kenneth's wasn't that way, but man could he shoot."

"Okay. None of this is relevant. Do you not ever write anything but stats on your men's genitals and such?"

"Actually, yes. Just words though. I'm not sure they would make sense to you."

"Why wouldn't they?"

I flipped through a few pages. "On Brock's page, I wrote: bathroom, the name of a porn star, the brand of a shirt and no sparks."

"I guess you are right. I'm not sure what all that means."

"For what I can remember, I jotted down bathroom because I thought his was kind of ... gross. Not filthy, just not clean. It made me take a harder look at mine. I remembered liking the shirt he was wearing, so I looked at the tag so I could seek out that brand."

"I see."

"For Chuck, I wrote burn in hell and the name of the hotel so I would never go near there."

"Ouch."

"For Calvin, I wrote all the movies and musical artists he taught me about. I liked all the gay culture. I wrote tender, melons, no sparks and why again? Hmm. I can't even remember what melons meant."

"I'm glad he got one positive attribute in there."

"For Kenneth, I wrote handsome, kind, laughter, no sparks, and felt sorry."

"Felt sorry?"

"You'll see."

"Tell me about your relationship with Kenneth."

"My roommate Martin was training to be a cop. One night I joined him and one of his trainers for dinner. Burgers. Through our conversation, I openly admitted I was gay. It wasn't a big announcement or anything, but it fit the conversation — not that I can remember it now. Three weeks later, Martin told me that Kenneth wanted my number."

"Hmm. Had you picked up on anything that night?"

"No. Nothing at all. I didn't pick up any gay vibes."

"Interesting. Continue."

"So anyway, I asked why."

"I believe he wants to ask you out. I'm not 100 percent for sure, but ... I believe so."

"Has he told you he was gay?"

"Not in so many words, but he did ask me the other day if you were seeing anyone," Martin said. "I just assumed he was interested."

"Wow. A gay cop. Yeah. Sure. Give him my number."

"The fact that he is Black doesn't present any issues?"

"Not for me. I've been with a Black man before."

"Okay."

"Apparently, he was interested in me. Kenneth was really handsome. I find certain Black men supremely hot. Kenneth was one. Being a cop, he was very fit as well."

"I dunno. I've seen some overweight cops."

"Whatever."

"I'm glad you agreed to go out with me," Kenneth said.

"I ... was intrigued."

"You're very handsome, Mitch," he said, as the server brought us our beers.

"Likewise."

We made simple chitchat as we waited for our food to arrive. Kenneth talked mostly about how Martin was doing in his training and how he was almost finished. I admired both of them for serving the public in this way. It was a demanding — and often thankless — job.

"If I can be forward, Kenneth... can I call you Ken?"

"I actually prefer Kenneth."

"Okay. If I can be forward, I really didn't get the impression when we met that you ... you were ..."

"Gay?"

"Yeah. Don't let anything I say here be offensive in any way. I was just surprised when Martin said you were interested."

"Well, I suppose I have a confession to make."

I cut into my steak, but my eyes indicated that I was still listening.

"I experimented with some friends in high school. I guess that got me ... questioning. In college, I only dated women. My family was pretty religious. It wasn't until my senior year until I slept with a woman. I felt I had to hide that from my mother, even at 21. She wouldn't have approved of premarital sex. All through college though, I still found myself looking at men."

"I see." I was very interested in his story.

"With my family and ... well, being Black ... being gay isn't really an option. But ..." He sighed.

"But you are. Or at least bisexual."

"Maybe. I often wonder if the reason I didn't sleep with a woman until I was a senior was because I was more interested in men. I'm still not completely certain."

"So where do I fit in?" I said, buttering a roll.

Kenneth took a bite of his chicken fried steak. As he was chewing, his eyes looked toward the ceiling. I could tell he was evaluating his answer to my question. He swallowed.

"I'm sure I will look silly, if not childish. You've had so much more experience, I'm sure, but ..." He put his silver down and looked at me intently. "When you were so casual about saying you were gay a few weeks ago, it struck me. You were so confident and sure of yourself. I was so impressed; I admired you."

"Me?"

"Yes. You didn't hide anything. You were so good looking and self-assured. I thought about you every day after we met."

"Wow." I was unprepared for his kind words. "What did you mean by `being Black, gay isn't an option'? According to whom?"

"I'm not so oblivious to think there are no gay Black people, but it's rather shunned from where I'm from. In our culture, fathers are taught to bring boys up to be virile, masculine men."

"I hate that. I hate that people don't think you can be gay and masculine at the same time."

"Exactly. That's why you impressed me so much. You were everything I wanted to be."

"So, what are your plans now?"

"Kenneth's background didn't allow him to be gay, or at least he didn't think he could be or should be."

"Meaning?" Logan asked.

"I mean ... he was. But his upbringing shunned it. During this date, he kind of confessed that he was impressed that I could be so open and self-assured. It made him confront his real feelings."

"So how did this relationship develop after that?"

"Slowly. We just talked that first night. I saw him three nights in a row. We kissed the second night. The third night was heavy kissing, but he still was hesitant to ..."

"Make love?"

"Right. I knew he was unsure. And nervous. And fearful of his family."

"So ... he made it into the book. What happened?"

"After two weeks, I was really drawn to Kenneth. He was a kind man. He was three years older than me, but that didn't mean anything. We laughed a lot. Kissed a lot. We became comfortable with each other. I was at his place one evening. We were making out, and I reached down to ... his crotch. He was hard. I asked if he was ready for more. He was scared to, but admitted he wanted to. So ... that night, he received his first blowjob from me."

"Did he participate in return?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Oh yeah," I gasped as Kenneth pulled on my cock until I stopped coming. "Man. Nice."

Cum was on my chest. I wiped it into my hand and then gripped his dick again and resumed sucking it. Kenneth's body was a joy to watch. He was enjoying our sexual adventure. The way he breathed, the way he moaned ... it was blissful to see someone completely surrender themselves and enjoy sheer pleasure.

"Mitch, I'm gonna ... I'm gonna ... UNGH!"

I had taken my mouth off his cock. I was just going to let him come on his chest like I did. Kenneth's cum hit his neck.

"Ooo. Nice," I called out.

He kept coming. I remembered Marq's cum being so white. Kenneth's wasn't. It wasn't as striking on his skin, but he came a lot. It was rather impressive — as was his cock.

After I released his organ, I just curled up to his side. His arm was around me and pulled my body closer into his.

After a minute, his head tilted up to look at his chest. "What do we do now?"

I chuckled. "I can grab a cloth from the bathroom to wipe us off, but ..."

"Yeah?"

"How would you feel about a shower?"

"Together?"

`Yes."

"There was an innocence to Kenneth. Almost a ... purity. When we showered together following our first encounter, I could sense this freedom, almost a pride in finally being who he wanted to be."

"Nice."

"It was."

The alarm went off. I rolled over to put my arm around him. He hummed feeling our skin press against each other.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we took it a little further last night. I enjoyed it; I think you did too. But ... here we are the next day. I've slept over. How do you feel about all this?"

"I loved last night. It was fun. I enjoyed you being in my bed." He paused. "But ... at some point today, I might start thinking about my family and wonder what they would think and all that shit."

"I'm glad you got to be the man you wanted to be."

"He had doubts. There were concerns as to whether he was doing the right thing, but we cared for each other."

"How long did you see each other?"

"All in all? Hmm ... maybe ... five weeks?"

"So, what happened?"

"After a month, I asked him to fuck me. It was scary for him. I never fucked him. I figured it would be easier for me to always bottom. We did it a few times, but I always wondered if that was what pushed it too far."

"I don't understand."

"We weren't the most incredible people in the world when it came to sex, but it was very ... real. We weren't pretentious. We just enjoyed being with each other and our sex life showed that. I enjoyed it."

"And...?"

"I think his doubts got the better of him."

"Mitchell, I ... hate doing this. I hate saying this."

Kenneth had asked to meet in a Starbucks near his precinct.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I know we had plans for the weekend, but ..." His face twisted in pain. "I just ... I just can't do this anymore."

"What are you saying?"

"I didn't say anything to my family. But I spent time with them, and not being able to talk about you was killing me. Then my aunt came over and attempted to fix me up with a woman. In conversation, there were some jabs that if I didn't start dating, people were going to think I was gay. And-"

"And you are."

"But ... I can't be with my family. It just won't fly. I'm going to try to ... live a straight life."

"What? Are you serious?"

"I think I can do it. It's not like I don't find women pretty. I do."

"But you prefer men. You prefer ME."

"God knows I do. My parents would never understand." Kenneth whimpered. "I'm sorry, Mitch. This isn't fair to you. I'm sorry. I just ... you deserve better."

"But I like what we have."

"But it can't last. Not in my world. Trying to avoid ... everything ... with them, I was just miserable. I can't go through life that way."

"You could just be honest and not hide."

"I'm sorry. It's not that simple for me. My family, my culture ... I just can't make it work. I'm going to try to find a woman and ..."

"And live the life your family wants and not the life you want."

"I know. I feel trapped. But ... I feel if I am going to attempt this, I need to be completely honest with you."

"But not them."

"You just don't understand."

"He broke it off. He said his family would never accept us. They wouldn't accept him. So, he made the decision to try to live a straight life."

"Oh, Mitch. I'm sorry that your heart was broken yet again."

"I suppose, but it broke more for him than me. We hadn't been together that long. Kenneth was looking at lying to himself his whole life. I just hurt for him. I was sad, yeah. And frustrated. But I hated knowing he wasn't going to live the life he wanted."

"Rough."

"And how did this affect you moving forward?"

"I suppose I was crestfallen, but it didn't turn me off on trying again. I knew this ending was something that Kenneth had to deal with; it wasn't my issue. Disappointed, sure. But we were only a month into it. It wasn't like he was the love of my life or anything."

"What do you remember most about this experience?"

I thought for a moment. "In a very random, odd thing to say, not only was Kenneth's dick big, but the coloration was interesting to me. With both Marq and Kenneth ... I don't know; I found Black guys' dicks kind of cool."

"Very random. Very odd."

"But seriously, I felt lucky."

"Why?"

"I knew who I was. I could only see pain for Kenneth. If he tried to live a straight life, he knew he would be lying to himself — and that's sad. If he denied himself true love because of his family, that would be sad. In the long run, I figured he would either get married and cheat on his wife with men, or he would eventually hate living a dual life and finally come out."

"Did you ever connect with him again?"

"No. However, Martin did from time to time over the years. >From what I heard, Kenneth got married, and they had a kid. Now, he is living with a man. I think. More shockingly, I believe he got shot on the job."

"Goodness! We don't give the police enough credit for the risks they take every day."

"Very true."

I made the decision to try to find Kenneth following the session with Logan. He was a good person. It would make me feel better to know he was okay and that his life fell into place.

"Kenneth sounds like he wasn't just in a different place in accepting his sexuality but also in his amount of experience. He was new to everything. By this point in your twenties, I am kind of surprised you got involved with someone that inexperienced."

"I'm not sure how to take that."

"Nothing judgmental. You had experiences with twelve men before him. He really was just a beginner."

"Sure. It wasn't the type of relationship I would go seeking, but he was the one who asked me out. I took a liking to him. He's a very kind man. I enjoyed his company. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have stayed with him for just the sex life we had. I mean, I enjoyed it, sure. But, yeah, I appreciate the more involved stuff."

"What do you think he will remember about you the most?"

"Hm. That's tough." I scratched my forehead as I thought about how to answer Logan's question. "I'd like to think he found me understanding. He complimented me a lot — my self-confidence, my looks. I hope he thought I was patient and loving."

"You are."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you are. I always appreciated that about you when we dated. You might be impulsive now and then, but you are always patient."

"Thanks. Impulsive, I suppose. I ruined my relationship with Cooper because I was impulsive. And stupid. But now that you have made me think about this, there were some parallels between Kenneth and Cooper."

"How so?"

"Cooper was also new to the gay world, so to speak. I was just so super attracted to him at work that I was fine with showing him the ropes. He was very lost and confused. I felt good about being able to help him navigate all that."

"Even though it led to a divorce?"

"That was inevitable. He was gay. He knew he was gay. He hated hiding he was gay. It all led to his drinking problem."

"Do you think you were a calming influence for Cooper?"

"I don't know. I'd like to think I was. He was in so much conflict. But I also knew us flirting with each other and doing minor stuff was creating an internal debate. He realized who he was, what he was. But that didn't align with everything up to that point. Cooper had gone past denial, but he hadn't fully embraced acceptance either. Thus, the drinking."

"I'm glad you were able to help him through that time."

"AA patients aren't supposed to date their first year in the program, but..."

"Those aren't hard rules."

"But I get it. Had I just abandoned Cooper, he would have gone back to the bottle. I'm almost certain of that. I stayed with him though. When he and Natalie split, I gave him a place to go. He was ..." I sighed. "He was a mess then. I just wanted to take care of him. I suppose I was falling for him pretty fast."

"Even with all the issues in his life?"

"Yes. There is something about Cooper — and not just because he's so gorgeous. He's ... just easy to love. He never got that though."

"You took care of Cooper, and you — in a way — took care of Kenneth. Is this a quality within you that you like to do?"

"Is it a quality, really? I was there for Kenneth, but I didn't really help him out that much. I was patient. But he separated himself from me. I'm not sure I `took care of him.' I was just here for him. But ... Cooper, yeah. But that was the only time I felt like I really stepped up to take care of someone."

For a moment, I lost track of our conversation. My mind drifted to what Logan had said. For the past year and a half, I just thought of myself as the man who cheated on the person he loved the most. I've hardly thought of myself in a positive way for ages. For Logan to say I had good qualities, it was almost a beam of light from heaven. I was admittedly still a mess, but he was doing a good job of sifting through my past to find out how I tick. It's nice that there are some glimmers of hope in there.

"Now I remember, I wrote down melons because he was allergic to them."

* * * *

Please see a post called "Turning Away" on my blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com

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