***** DISCLAIMER: This story is not real, aka: "FICTION". I don't know *NSync, nor do I know their sexual preferences. If you believe that one of them is gonna marry you someday, why are you here?
Thanks to Kenitra "Millennium Love" for giving the the idea for the format of this story. And, thanks go out to the nsyncslash list, Joey, and EVERYONE who's e-mailed me about my stories. I write this for you guys, as well as for me, so I love hearing from you! <hint, hint> Feedback, as always, to reader_colleen@hotmail.com. The chapter title comes from a Robert Frost poem of the same name. Now, onwards to the story! *****
Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below Chapter 2: Nothing Gold Can Stay- JC POV By Colleen
***** Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower, But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief. So dawn goes down to day, Nothing gold can stay. *****
I still can't believe he just up and took off like that. Justin had convinced me I had to talk to him about what he did, but when I went to find him, he was gone. He didn't even leave a message or a note or anything. I don't know if he's alive or dead. This hurts more than finding him in bed with another man. He left me. He promised me he'd stay with me always and he left me. He broke yet another promise to me.
Promises are made so easily, and broken even easier. He promised he'd stay. He promised he'd love me. He promised he'd be faithful. Even though he was drunk, that doesn't excuse what he did. My ex-boyfriend, the one before Chris, used that excuse a lot, too. I believed it then, but I refuse to accept it now. Chris CHOSE to get drunk. Chris CHOSE to sleep with another man. And Chris chose to run away from his problems. He ran away from me. And it hurts.
I know Chris was hurting, too, but I can't forgive him for what he did. He KNEW that it would destroy me if I ever caught him cheating and he did it anyway. He sad he was sorry, but I didn't believe him. 'Sorry' is a word I've heard so many times over the years that it no longer has any effect on me. It takes a lot more than 'sorry' to fix a broken relationship. And our relationship is shattered. It used to be so good- Justin once said it was gold. But all that's gone now. So I cry.
We're all sitting in the living room of the hotel suite, waiting for any word on Chris. Lance looks worried, while Justin looks... satisfied. I'm going to have to ask him about that later. Joey has no expression on his face, but I know that this whole situation has hurt him as much as me and Chris because Joey had to choose between his best friend and his bandmate. He chose me for whatever reason. He chose me, leaving Chris alone.
I'm alone, too, in my own way. Yes, I have Justin with me at all hours of the day and night, comforting me when I cry. But I don't have what I need- my boyfriend. My heart. My soul. I set myself up for this pain, I know, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I chose to give Chris my heart and trust him and he broke them both. I've cried so many tears that I'm surprised that I have any moisture left in my body. And the new pain of his leaving is going to make me cry more.
Lance's cell phone rings. From the look on Lance's face, it's not good news. He doesn't say anything to whoever it is, just gets up and puts the caller on speaker phone.
"It's me," Chris' voice says. It sends a knife into my gut. He sounds so far away, and there's another noise- it sounds like a train. "I... I just wanted to let you know that I'm ok."
"Where are you?" Lance asks.
"Somewhere. I'm not coming back, either."
"Why?" That's Joey, sounding stronger than he looks.
"I need to get away. I can't stand being around Josh, knowing that I hurt him so badly. I couldn't stay."
"So you ran." Justin's voice is accusing and I flinch. He's angry at Chris and he doesn't care who knows it.
"Yes, I ran. The rest of you hate me as much as Josh must, so what reason did I have to stay? What reason do I have to come back, for that matter?" At Chris' words, Joey breaks down for the first time in nearly a week. I don't know if Chris can hear him, but his sobbing twists the knife still buried in my stomach.
"Where are you going?" Lance asks, trying to fight his own tears.
"I'll let you know eventually. Don't try to find me because you won't. I can be anonymous when I want to be. I will come back someday, but not for a while."
"What will we tell management?"
"That's your problem. I have to go now. Lance... I'm sorry for doing this to you but I need this."
"I know." Lance has lost the battle with his tears and I hear Chris let out a sob on the other end of the phone.
"I'll see you again," he finally gets out. "I'll be back."
"I'll be waiting," Lance whispers too quietly for Chris to hear but I do.
"Bye," Chris says sadly before hanging up. Justin sits beside me, stone-faced as the rest of us cry. Joey for losing his best friend. Lance for a similar reason, I assume. Me? I cry because I know that the longer we stay apart, the less chance we'll ever have of being anything to each other ever again. And I don't think I can live without him.
But, as they say, nothing gold can stay.