********** DISCLAIMER: This story is not real, aka: "FICTION". I don't know *NSync, nor do I know their sexual preferences. If you believe that one of them is gonna marry you someday, why are you here?
Thanks to Kenitra of "Millennium Love" for giving the the idea for the format of this story. And, thanks go out to the nsyncslash list, as well as to David for archiving this story. Feedback to reader_colleen@hotmail.com.
The chapter title comes from a song by Beth Orton. Thanks to Rachel ("Choices/"Escape") for sending me this song. **********
Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine- JC POV By Colleen
It's hard to believe it's been a month already. A month since Chris left me. A five weeks since my world fell apart. And this month hasn't helped the pain any. If anything, it's made it worse. What he did hurt me, but not having him beside me night after night hurts a hell of a lot worse. Justin tells me I'm better off without him, and I'm slowly starting to believe him- kinda. It's just so hard to just forget everything that has happened in the last few months. Pain like this is hard to forget.
The group has gone on, despite Chris' absense. Lance just says there was a family emergency and Chris is staying with his family for a while when we're asked about the missing member. Lance and Joey have tried to find Chris, I know they have, but Chris was right when he said he could be anonymous when he wants to be. They can't find him. They tried everything: they've called all the airports, rental agencies and bus stations in the area, and nobody recalls seeing Chris the day he left. They even called the train station, but they don't remember him either. His mother has no clue where he is, and neither does the rest of his family. It's like he left the earth altogether. In a way, I'm glad, becaues I don't have to face him. On the other hand, I'm angry because he wasn't man enough to face ME and admit he was wrong.
Being right just doesn't have the same ring anymore. I mean, I've been 'right' on so many things that it just doesn't matter to me now. Only the pain still left behind from my lover's betrayal matters. If I was to see Chris today, I don't know what I'd say to him. Would I scream at him for hurting me and then leaving me? Would I forgive him? No, I won't do that. I forgave my ex too often, and he ended up hurting me almost as much as Chris did. I don't think I will ever feel this kind of pain again. The pain of betrayal, and the pain of abandonment. What a combination! It sucks, it really does.
I talked to Lance about this a little bit the other day. He, above anyone else, knows how painful it is to be abandoned by someone. He's bisexual, and his parents freaked out when he told them. He told them almost a year ago, and they still don't talk to him. Even though it's a different kind of abandonment, he still understands how much it hurts. Justin can't even begin to fathom my pain, and Joey won't look at me. I think he blames me for Chris. After all, he has lost his best friend. Well, I lost my lover so we're even. JC, don't think like that. Joey doesn't understand how much this hurts, so don't blame him. Lance does understand, and I am thanking God for bringing him into my life. If it wasn't for him and Justin, I don't know what I'd do. Go crazy, probably. As if I'm not already there, but still...
I really need to get out of this depression, but I don't know how. I wake up every morning and it all comes crashing back to me- Chris getting caught sleeping with another man, our messy breakup, his leaving without even so much as a note, even if he did call... This is such a mess! I don't think we'll ever be able to patch things up now. There's too much bitterness between us. I'm mad at him for a) betraying me and b) leaving me alone during this. Where ever he is, he's probably mad at me for some reason I don't even know about right now, nor do I think I want to know. All I do know for sure is that I'll never trust him the same way again, even if we do somehow manage to patch up our friendship.
It's so dark outside tonight. Darkness is my favorite thing right now. Lance managed to get us out of some of our enagements this month, so I've had a lot of time to myself. I sleep all day and I end up hyperactive all night. Poor Justin can't even keep up anymore! That has been the one bright spot in this last month of darkness for me- Justin's constant companionship. He's been there for me through so much. He's the greatest friend a man could ask for, and I wish everyone had someone like him in their lives. He's been there to hold me when I cried. He was there for me when Lance said that he and Joey couldn't find Chris. He was there for me when I had the knife to my wrist about a week after Chris vanished. That scared me, even more than it scared Justin. The idea that his best friend was suicidal freaked him to no end. It scares me, too. Is this what I've become? Someone so weak that they'd resort to killing themselves? I'm ashamed to admit that the answer is 'yes'. I gave Chris everything, and he destroyed it. He destroyed me, and he knows he did. He probably doesn't realize the suicide part, though. The thoughts of suicide and self-mutilation are still there, although I've tried to bury them as much as possible. I don't want to worry Justin any more than he already is.
I have the radio on, and a song by an artist I'm not familiar with somes on. The DJ says it's by an indy singer named Beth Orton, but I've never heard of her. However, the truth of her lyrics hit me. It's like she knows me and Chris and what happened. I think this is about to become my new theme song. It brings tears to my eyes, but I fall in love with it instantly. I just hope that wherever he is, Chris is listening to this song, too, and beating himself up over what he's done. I want him to suffer like I'm suffering. I want him to know how much he hurt me. I want to see him face-to-face and ask him 'why'. I want to bring closure to this part of my life, and the only way I can do that is if I see him again. So I will wait for as long as it takes. And someday, I will face him again, and maybe this time, I won't cry.
***** Baby do you know what you did today? Baby do you know what you took away? You took the blue out of the sky My whole life changed when you said goodbye And I keep cryin'...cryin'
Oooh baby, oooh baby I wish I never saw the sunshine I wish I never saw the sunshine And if I never saw the sunshine baby Then maybe...I wouldn't mind the rain
Every day is just like the day before All alone, a million miles from shore All of my dreams, I dream with you Now they will die and never come true And I keep cryin'... *****