********** DISCLAIMER: This story is not real, aka: "FICTION". I don't know *NSync, nor do I know their sexual preferences. If you're underage or homophobic, GO AWAY. Everyone else is welcome! Feedback to reader_colleen@hotmail.com, please.
Thanks to Kenitra of "Millennium Love" for giving the inspiration for the format of this story. And, as always, many thanks go out to the nsyncslash list (Jayne, Red, Wen, Becca, and the rest of you wonderful people!).
The song lyrics and title are from the Rolling Stones. **********
Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below As Tears Go By- JC POV By Colleen
***** It is the evening of the day I sit and watch the children play Smiling faces I can see But not for me I sit and watch As tears go by
My riches can't buy everything I want to hear the children sing All I hear is the sound Of rain falling on the ground I sit and watch As tears go by *****
Tears, tears, and more tears. Why do humans have tear ducts, anyway? They don't do anything useful. They just aggrivate the hell out of me. Tears themselves are pretty useless, too. They're supposed to make me feel better, but they don't. They make me feel worse. I'm sitting here in the living room of Justin's house, thinking about what I said. The phone rang about twenty minutes ago, but Justin got to it before I could. He hasn't come back in the room, so I don't know who it was. I hope it's nothing bad.
"Josh?" It's Justin. He came back in the room without me even noticing him, that's how deep in thought I was. Even though he's driven me crazy these last six months bashing Chris, I know he cares about me. He's less willing to forgive Chris than I am, and I'm the one who got cheated on! Justin's so cute sometimes. I look up at him, noting the odd look on his face, setting my internal alarms off. Something's up.
"Yeah, J?"
"What happened?" Those two simple words bring my tears back in full force. I still can't believe I did that to Chris- no matter how much he hurt me, I had no right to say what I did.
"I did something really stupid," I finally manage to tell Justin.
"What did you do?"
"Chris asked me yesterday while we were outside if I'd ever loved him."
"And..."
"I told him no."
"Josh, why the hell did you do that?"
"I don't know! I got hit with this urge to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I hurt him, all right. When I said that to him, the look on his face reminded me of how I've felt for the last six months." My tears are showing no signs of going away anytime soon, so Justin gives me a hug. He's not Chris, but he'll do for now.
"Josh, just tell me one thing-- are you going to forgive him?" Justin asks after a long silence. I pull away from his warmth slightly.
"I don't know. Sooner or later, probably."
"I think you should," Justin says. I look at him, shocked. "I think you should forgive him sooner rather than later."
"Yesterday you were telling me what a bastard he is for cheating on me. Now you're telling me to forgive him! What gives?" I demand. Justin can't meet my eyes and that makes me even more suspicious.
"Can't I have a change of heart?"
"YOU? Justin, tell me the truth. Why do you want me to forgive Chris?"
"Joey called."
"And?"
"Chris is pretty shattered right now, Josh. You were right when you said you hurt him as much as he hurt you. But Joey told me something else, too."
"Justin, get on with it!" I'm getting frustrated and Justin's pauses aren't helping matters any.
"Joey told me that Chris doesn't think he has a reason to live anymore."
"WHAT?"
"Apparently, Chris told Lance and Joey that he has no reason to live if you don't love him. He's leaving the group, too. Once he's gone, only God knows what he'll do."
"WHAT?" It seems all I can say.
"He wants to spare himself the pain of seeing you every day."
"Justin..." I'm shocked, to say the least. I never realized just how much I really had hurt Chris. In that moment of anger outside, I may have just destroyed the one man that means more to me than anyone else. Even though I'm still somewhat angry for the cheating, the anger is replaced by pain- the pain of hurting the one you really love and not being able to take the words back. Was this how Chris felt six months ago when I walked in on him having sex with another man? Probably.
"Josh, I'm not asking you to get back together with him. All I'm asking is for you to forgive him," Justin says softly, bringing my attention back to him.
"I don't know if I can," I say honestly. "I don't know if I'm ready."
"Then we watch him walk out of our lives- for good this time. Thanks, Josh." With that, Justin gets up and leaves the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Thoughts of pain. Thoughts of love. Thoughts of Chris. And mostly, thoughts of forgiveness.