This story is NOT true. Some of the conversations are based on actual conversations. Some of the experiences depicted are based on actual experiences. However, the story should be viewed as fiction.
Scott and I met in the third grade, I didn't like him much at first; he always made fun of and beat up all the kids on the playground. One day I stood up to him and beat him up, and strangely ever since then we're never apart.
We've always told each other all of our secrets. In sixth grade when his parents divorced, I was the ONLY person he let see him cry.
Girls came and went from our lives. In high school, Scott practically had a new girl each month. Sometimes two at the same time, as long as they were at different high schools. But as much time as we spent with the girls, we never let them get in the way of our time together.
He was the first guy I got drunk with. The first guy I watched porn in his basement with. The first guy I smoked out with. We were there for each other through everything.
But there were feelings inside me stirring. Feelings that told me I really didn't enjoy girls as much as I acted. At football games, I would catch myself thinking about the rippling muscles under those uniforms. What the team would look like without all that gear.
I had grown up in a religious home and my feelings bothered me. They made me feel angry. I COULDN'T be gay. I couldn't do that to my parents. The word `gay' had such negative connotations because of my years of conditioning.
The minister at the pulpit, "Sodom and Gomorrah! Gays will burn in hell!"
If there is a god, I would hope that he'd love me regardless of who was in my bed when the lights went out.
The guilt from my feelings pressed down on me.
And the worst part was that I had no one to tell. I couldn't even think of telling Scott. No way in hell would I tell my parents! Years passed and finally, my senior year I actually was able to admit to myself that I was gay.
I cried alone.
I got America Online and was able to talk with other gay people in chat rooms or through email for the first time in my life. Some of them were even in my own city. I started pulling away from my friendships, including Scott.
I tried cyber sex but found it hard to keep a grip and type at the same time.
I tried phone sex with strangers from across the country who'd call my modem line that only rang in the basement. The novelty wore off.
Then, I tried a real life encounter with a someone I'd met from Classifieds2000 on the internet. He lived with his girlfriend but liked to suck guys and be sucked by guys when she was at work.
We smoked a bowl and listened to some music. I gave my first - very awkward - blow job.
Things got worse with my relationships. I had never hid anything from Scott and now I had developed this entire alter-ego. I felt so fake around him. I had a hard time keeping eye contact.
One day, he was over at my house playing Nintendo 64 after school when after minutes of silence, he asked "What the hell is wrong with you, Jeff?"
"Nothing," I answered abruptly.
"Don't pull this shit with me!" He crashed his video car and threw down the controller. "For the past couple weeks it's been weird, I've been waiting for you to tell me something and I just couldn't take it anymore. You're shutting me out of your life. I can't take that, not from you."
I shook my head and looked at him, my face scrunched uncontrollably into a pre-cry position.
"Jeff... Oh my God... what's wrong... you should know that I'm always here for you!"
"I know."
"Obviously not! The Jeff I know would've told me weeks ago what was going on, without pulling any of this seclusion shit.."
"Scott... stop."
"Sorry, but I'm angry... no, hurt. Because for some reason you're keeping something from me because you don't think you can trust me. Have I ever betrayed your trust? Did I do something to piss you off?"
"No... of course not."
"Ok, you know you can trust me. You should know by now that I'm pretty unshockable. Especially coming from YOU!" He seemed to have a sneer to the way he said that.
"What's that supposed to mean!?!"
"Why are you freaking out? All I mean is that you never do anything shocking, you practically have a halo,"
"Not quite!"
"You don't have a dark side. Or at least not from my perspective."
"I did something." The words just seem to pop out without any thought. That would be enough of a hook so that he can pull the rest out of me.
"You didn't kill someone, did you?"
I laughed, "No..."
"Then nothing else you say could shock me."
"Oh, it's shocking."
"Trust me. No shock."
"But Scott... this is hard. Would you guess?"
"No! I don't play guessing games. You're going to tell me. If I start guessing then I'll end up offending you."
"What?"
"Well, if I'm wrong. You could be offended by what I might guess."
"So you have a guess then..."
"Sort of, but you'd get mad if I'm wrong."
"I promise I won't get mad."
"Ok..." He sighed. My legs were completely numb, and it wasn't just from sitting on the floor. I was staring straight ahead at a single fiber of carpet that I elected to be my support through this. "Does it have to do with drugs?"
"No. That's your guess?"
"That's not my guess. Does it have to do with preference?"
"I guess you say that."
"Sexual preference?"
I was completely shocked that he guessed it so quickly! "Yeah... how did you..."
"Jeff. Come on. We know everything about each other -- spoken or unspoken. I've been wondering for a while now."
"Really? And you're not freaked out?"
"Not at all. You're Jeff. You're my best friend. My best friend no matter what."
"Shit... you made it too easy."
He laughed. "Sorry, did you want me to start swearing at you? Beat you to a bloody pulp? Never talk to you again?"
"I just thought..."
"You thought I could do that? Jeff, do you think our friendship means nothing to me?"
"It's just that we always joke around about ... those type of people."
"I think you mean YOUR type of people, don't you?" He grinned.
I closed my eyes, "Oh, no. Here we go..."
"You're not gonna make me start listening to Broadway musicals, are you?"
I laughed, "No, of course not. Have I ever been into musicals?"
"No, but I don't know what you've been doing in that closet of yours."
"There's more."
"More? Is this a confession that should wait until we can get booked on Jerry Springer? You're a cross-dresser... no, no... a pre-operative transsexual and you're turning tricks to pay for your medical bills?"
I laughed, "No."
"What then, did you have sex with a guy?" He said it so casually, almost like he was asking if I knew what time it was.
I held my breath. I couldn't answer.
"Ahhh, I'm right! Aren't I?"
"Yes and no..."
He looked confused for a second and then with his tongue against his cheek and his hand moving back and forth, he mimed sucking dick with a question mark on his face. I nodded slowly. "With who??" He asked with a genuine curiosity, almost an eagerness to get more out of me.
"Just a guy."
"How did you meet him? From school? Is it James?"
"What? No! No one from school... Why'd you say James?"
"I see the looks you two exchange, and now that it's no longer just suspicion about you... Don't be embarrassed! James is a good-looking guy." I flashed him a quick look of confusion, my mouth opening to ask the question, but he beat me to it. "But, I'm not saying that I'm... like that. Guys should be allowed to admit that a guy is good looking without people assuming anything." He paused, "So who was it then?"
"A guy I met ... on the internet."
"Oh shit... the internet? You go off and blow some guy from the internet and the you don't tell me till now? I'm assuming this was two weeks ago, when you started acting all goofy."
"Yeah, it was."
"So, that's all you did? Just blow each other?"
"Yeah... are you sure you're comfortable talking about this?"
"Sure, aren't you? We can stop if you don't want to talk about it." I could not have anticipated the way he was reacting! Not only was I still his friend but he wanted details of my homosexual activities. It seemed that his questions were because he was actually interested and not just so he could find out how screwed up I was and tell the rest of the school. He laughed, "Just so you know, I'm going to give you shit about all this."
I responded very sarcastically "Great... Looking forward to it."
"Yeah, it'll be a while before I run out of material." I sighed. "Seriously though, I'm glad you told me, we would've kept drifting if you hadn't. You saved our friendship. This may actually make us closer... but not the way you're hoping!"
"How do you know what I'm thinking?"
"Remember our Vulcan Mind Meld in seventh grade?" We laughed. "I know you want to jump me."
"What? You're like a brother!"
"Incest is best." Was he coming on to me? "You'd jump any guy, wouldn't you?"
"What? Hell no! Uh... Jeremy for instance. I couldn't even think of... yuck..."
"Ok, good example."
"Just like there are girls that you would never touch, there are a lot of guys I would never touch. I'd say less than ten percent of the guys at school are attractive to me."
"But you do like James, right?"
"James is just a really nice guy, so yeah... I like him."
"You wanna fuck him senseless though, don't you? In the hallway, when you don't think I'm watching, you stare at his ass when he's walking away. All you're thinking about it getting your cock inside him, aren't you?"
"I don't look at his ass."
"I'm much more observant that you give me credit for, do you want specific instances?"
"No."
"So you admit to looking at his ass."
"Ok, yeah. I admit it."
"And you want to fuck his brains out."
"Scott, you're such a romantic fella... `fuck his brains out'? Ugh, it hurts me to even repeat that! No, I don't think about him like that."
"Liar." He shook his head. "I'll call him and arrange it for you..." He lifted the cordless and punched in some numbers.
"No! Don't! I lunged at him, trying to get the phone away, but he managed to hold me back as he started talking.
"Yeah, James? This is Scott, Jeff told me he wants to fuck you." My chin dropped and I stopped struggling. What was he doing?! He clicked the phone off. "He said ok." My face started to burn. "And by the way... the temperature is 73 degrees." He laughed as he put the phone back in its base.
"You're a dick!"
"Don't you wish...Maybe you'd invite me over more." He plopped down on the couch, I sat on the floor facing him. "So what would you do to James if you two were alone?"
"I don't like him in that way. I only admitted to looking at his ass."
"Wrong. You're eyes say that you like him THAT WAY whenever you see him, talk to him, or talk about him."
"They do not!"
"What would you do to him? Hug him?"
He broke me down, I knew the longer I held out the worse it would be. "Yeah... I guess."
"Kiss him?"
"Sure."
"Feel his chest?"
"He doesn't have breasts, idiot!"
"But he's got toned pecs. You like those, don't you?"
I sighed, thinking about him. "Yeah."
He laughed. "You're eyes are talking again. They're saying that you would do a lot more than just rub his chest."
I grabbed a pillow and covered my face. "In times like this, it sucks that you know me so well."
"Not for me! This is fun! So then what?"
"Scott, this seems really weird to talk to you about this stuff."
"Well, you can't keep things from me, so that means that you have to talk about it. You've probably been dealing with your feelings for a while so I figure you have a lot to talk about. I'm just trying to get you comfortable telling me about this other side of you. But yeah, of course it feels weird. So just tell me everything," then his voice got low and sexy, "Cause you know I'm going to PUMP it out of you eventually." He accented `pump' with a hip thrust.
I made my voice sexy too, "Oooo, is that a promise?"
"See! We can have fun with this! You just have to loosen up."
I continued sounding sexy, "Maybe you can help me to... >sigh< ... loosen up." I raised an eyebrow, spread my legs and pushed a finger at the fabric covering my tight puckered hole.
He looked away and blocked his view with his hand. "Ok, maybe I'm NOT ready for this."
I laughed and moved over right in front of his seat on the couch, pushing his legs open more with my body so that I was between his knees. He was staring at me with a blank, unreadable expression. I said, "Well, I'm ready for YOU, big boy." My hands pushed his knees against my body and then caressed their way up his thigh.
He spoke, seriously. "Man, you REALLY want to jump me, don't you."
I instantly pulled away from him. "No, I was only kidding! You're the one who said I need to loosen up. I'm just trying to have some fun with it."
He smiled and tapped next to his eye with his index finger, "Your eyes..."
I didn't know what to say or do, so I turned to the N64 and reset the game. I really couldn't refute his accusation... he's a great guy, I have an attraction to him... but did I really want to `jump him'? After a long silence, I spoke. "I don't just lust after anyone. I have very selective taste. And as much as I love you -- as a friend -- I just don't think of you in that way."
I wasn't able to see his reaction, and I'm not sure if I really wanted to anyway. Another long pause. "Why don't you? Why don't you think of me in that way?"
"You want me to?"
"I... it... no... I mean... that's not what I'm asking! I'm not asking to be lusted after, I'm just curious why you don't think of me like that."
"Do you want me to lust after you?"
"What I want is not the issue."
"If I said that I did, would you be happy?"
"Stop playing games. I want to know what you think. I want a real answer. Not just what you think will make me happy."
I smiled, "Who said that I would pick the one that made you happy?" I continued, jokingly, "Am I on this Earth to please you?"
"Look, all I want to know is why you don't think of me like that."
"I told you. You're like a brother. I just can't think of you in a sexual way." If I didn't know any better I'd say he was hurt. "But I still look at your ass."
He laughed. "I'd tell you to kiss my ass, but you'd probably enjoy it!"
And I probably would, more than I would like to admit.
-- http://gts.netwhizz.nu/