Thanks for the e-mails welcoming this story back - they mean a great deal to me. This part has less explicit stuff but I hope more resonance, and it hurt to write in parts. My whole hope has been to have a story that's more than a chronicle of sex acts and fluid emissions; this part I think is necessary to ground things some. Typing errors are my fault (2 fingered hunt and peck really sucks), and this sort of spilled out so it's probably not as tight as real editing might have made it. But it felt important - to me, and to the story. At any rate, I hope people like it, or at least let me know what they think of it.
Seal Rocks Part 16
August was wearing on. Jesse's mother announced at dinner that night that she and Jesse needed to take some time tomorrow to go shopping for school clothes. She ignored Jesse's protests that shopping with her was humiliating (he didn't put it that bluntly, but the implication was pretty clear). "I can sit in the car or go wandering while you look, but I am paying for your school clothes. You had all that money saved, and I am not going to let that pass. This is my treat." Jesse sighed resignedly, glancing over to see Ben's eyes dance as he shrugged.
"It'll be fun. Like you're on an expense account or something, " Ben suggested.
"Can't you just give me the card or something and let me go and wait for me to come out of the mall or something?"
Jesse's mom shook her head. "I'm not going to be hanging all over you and inspecting you in the dressing room - you're far too old for that. I just want some veto power if you want anything that's - you know, hoodlum-ish, whatever. Inappropriate."
Jesse laughed. "Mom, I'm not bangin' or anything, you know that right?"
"Of course I do, but there are gangs even down here. You heard about that boy getting shot up near North Beach last month." A Mexican kid Jesse vaguely remembered from Concordia Elementary had gotten three holes blown in him while sitting in front of his house.
"But Mom, you wouldn't know gang stuff if I did get it. Can't you just trust me?"
"Can't you just let your mother do something nice for you??" She was as close to belligerent as she got, and Jesse knew to back off. Ben looked at him hard.
"OK, I'm sorry, I do appreciate it, really. I - I guess I just - y'know, want to do stuff for myself." He forked some more Mac and cheese into his mouth. "It'll be nice, really."
His mother smiled at him, her usual sunny demeanor returning. "Wonderful. Let's start out at about 9:30, all right? I may have some people to show around in the afternoon. In this market I can't let an opportunity pass by, you know." She gathered her dishes and left for the kitchen.
"Dude," Ben whispered when the door closed behind her, "you need to cut her some slack. Let her do this, OK?"
Jesse threw up his hands in frustration, regretting the melodramatic gesture even as he was doing it. "I am letting her do it, Ben! Christ, don't you start in too!"
Ben leaned in closer. "You don't get it. You don't get how she feels - you paying that bill and all. And it looks like somebody else is paying some other bills for her - for us." Jesse looked up at Ben, the color draining from his face. "Somebody from church or something, I don't know. Maybe the Corps. Pastor Ed said he doesn't know anything about it either, I dunno if I believe him." He glanced at the kitchen door; the disposal was running. "She feels like a charity case, and she hates it. She's even taking money from you."
"She didn't take that!" Jesse protested, unconscious this time of his objecting gesture. "I did that myself. She didn't ask me - I mean what was I supposed to do - "
"I know that, I know. And it was cool. It was - it was a really good thing to do," Ben soothed him. "But you have to understand how that makes her feel. Especially after Dad and - and all that stuff."
Jesse blinked. He'd managed to put that out of his mind. "Wh - what'd you tell her? Did you tell her anything?"
Ben glanced again at the kitchen door. "I told her you'd been playing with yourself. I don't know if she bought it. The lady from Social Services had said you told her the same thing, though, so that helped. She didn't buy it either, but it was at least the same story." He shifted a little. "I think you need to come clean with her soon. I mean, they did get semen samples out of you, Jes. So the playing with yourself bit isn't gonna hold up. It's gonna come out - something's gonna come out." He looked down. "The Social Services people still think it was Dad, and they're like looking at whether Mom's fit - to have allowed it to happen under her nose and all that."
Jesse nodded numbly. How could they question if she was a fit mother, that was so wrong. And come clean? How clean??
Their mother pushed through the door, smiling, holding three dishes of peach melba. "Special tonight," she beamed. "I even made the raspberry sauce from scratch."
It was, of course, delicious, as only a mother's cooking can be. The both wolfed it down, raving effusively over it, as she sat with a broad smile watching them eat.
Jesse finished first. "Do you want some more, dear?"
"Sure!! And, uh - Mom?" She paused, half out of her chair, and looked at him. "I really do appreciate your going with me and buying the school stuff. It'll be fun, like when I was littler."
She reached across the corner of the table and cupped his cheek. "Not quite, baby doll," she said, her voice low and a bit unsteady, "but we'll have fun." She took his plate started toward the kitchen, then lit up with an idea and turned back to him. "Let's go up PCH to one of those nice little surf shops in Laguna - you know, the local ones, not the chains - before we go to the mall, all right? I can look at some of the galleries, and I know you've been curious about those places for a while. We can make a real fun morning of it."
"Excellent, Mom," Jesse smiled. "That'll be cool."
"Perfect. Ben, are you all right?"
"I'll always go for seconds Mom, you know that."
She scooped up Ben's plate as well and left, seeming to float an inch or two above the floor. Ben looked at Jesse, smiled, and nodded.
The next morning was almost painfully bright. Jesse made sure to be up early so his mother could fix him some breakfast (which he knew she loved to do), and they rose off in the SUV at around 9.
As they crawled through traffic in South Laguna, his mother smiled. "I need some coffee." She smiled at Jesse. "I don't always sleep well these nights."
"Sh - shouldn't you ask the doctor or something - "
"Oh, they just give you pills, and I don't like the pills," she said. "They make me all groggy the whole next day. I'll be fine, dear. Let's just look for a coffee place."
About a mile further along, Jesse saw a sign, "Koffee Klatch" on the right ahead. He pointed it out, and his mother slid into an open space about half a block past it.
"I'll go get it, Mom. You just sit and relax for a minute."
She smiled. "OK," as she dug into her purse. "Here you go," handing him a 5. "Nothing fancy, just a basic Americano, no sugar or anything. You know I'm not one for all the latte nonsense."
"Sure, Mom. Be right back." He walked lightly back down the sidewalk. It was fun being out with her, he had to admit. Going to get some duds. He wheeled into the shop with a casual smile on his face.
There was a line. There were two men, probably in their 40s, standing very close to each other in front of him. Their conversation was low, but Jesse could make much of it out nonetheless.
" . . . never going to get the dance club part open again. Code things. I really think the City is after them. It's the only place left now, with the Boom closed, and I think the City's just done with gay bars in Laguna. Too outr for the nouveau riche." He gestured grandly, a number of steel bangle bracelets tinkling on his wrist. Jesse felt suddenly uncomfortable.
"It's all right," the other said softly. Jesse noticed several piercings in his left ear. "They can't drive us all out of town, who'd be left?" They both giggled at that, and leaned in to touch each other's shoulders as they laughed. The first guy, whose shaved head shone alarmingly, glanced back at Jesse a moment, smiled, and nodded. Jesse nodded back, almost imperceptibly, aware of a growing interest in the man's eyes.
"You look familiar."
Jesse blushed violently. "Uh - me??"
The bald man turned how to face him, his companion looking openly over his shoulder as well in an appraising sort of way. "I never forget a face," the bald man said, wagging a finger. The finger floated before Jesse's eyes for a moment before retreating to tap against the man's cheek. "Let me think . . . "
Jesse had a sudden realization, and wanted to leave. As he tried to get his legs to obey the scream in his head, though, he ran out of time. The bald man's companion whispered into the bald man's ear, and both their faces lit up. "Oh. My. God. Ron Gantry" He said it loud enough that a few other people in line turned to look. Jesse found it hard to focus on anything for a moment; his stomach was turning violently. "I don't fucking believe it!!!" His companion's goateed face was now in an open leer. The bald man's hand found Jesse's, and they shook hands with a strange combination of violence and endearment. "You know, I thought they shot that around here - you can never mistake the coastline in Orange County - but I never!!" He leaned in to whisper, getting entirely too close for Jesse's comfort. "Are you shooting more down here, darling? And can we watch?" Both men giggled. "We are such huge fans of you and Jamie, I just can't believe it!!" He was still holding Jesse's hand, beaming. "Is Jamie in town too?? Oh, I have to tell people!!"
"No!! No, please, . . ." Jesse begged. "I - I just - "
"Oh of course darling, I'm sorry, I don't mean to make a scene in a public place. I'm just - just shocked, and very pleased, to meet you." He looked Jesse over for a second. "You're taller than I thought. I thought most trade was shorter."
Trade? Jesse thought. Then he remembered. Trade, right.
"Angelo," his goateed companion scolded, "you know that's nonsense. Wasn't - well, isn't - Johan like six feet tall or something? And he was shorter than Lucas in Frisky Summer, remember?"
Angelo giggled again. "Wasn't!! Isn't that typical? You must hear that so often. As if the poor boy - well, man now- as if he's dead or something. All he did was pass 25." He looked at Jesse again, beaming. "I think they should call Duroy and convince him to have Johan come back and do a shoot with you. It'd be like passing the torch, or something."
"The baton," goateed man interjected.
"Yes, the baton!! And what a nice baton, too," he added, looking openly down at Jesse's crotch.
Jesse's penis, of course, was at this point shrunken to a state that would have embarrassed a newborn.
The two men were next in line, and they now turned to the barista to place their order. "And what would you like, Ron?" asked Angelo. "Our treat!!"
"Me?? Oh, it's, uh - I - I'll just have a straight Americano - venti"
"And a venti Americano for my strapping young acquaintance here," cooed Angeleo to the barista, clearly proud of his conquest. Goatee man was rifling through his pockets now, and suddenly produced a small digital camera. "Oh, wonderful!!" cried Angelo, clapping his hands and making their grouping even more conspicuous. Jesse noticed out of the corner of his eye that several other people in the caf, all men, were looking at him, whispering to each other, subtly pointing. "Would you mind, Ron? We would so love it! Darling, here, could you take this?" He shoved the camera at the barista, who looked mildly irritated. She glanced at Jesse, who shrugged helplessly as Angelo and goatee man arranged themselves on either side of him, their arms around his torso as if they were buddies - or lovers. Jesse managed a smile as the flash blinked down.
"One more!!" cried Angelo after it had gone off, dazzling Jesse's eyes, and he and goatee man moved closer to him. This time, just before the flash went off, they both turned their heads and kissed Jesse on each cheek. Jesse somehow managed to keep his smile in place through his mortification.
Angelo took back the camera, and he and goatee man looked at the display. "Perfect!!" Angelo said triumphantly, showing the screen to Jesse. He didn't - couldn't - focus on it really, but he managed to smile and nod approvingly. "Oh, and could you sign this for us, please?" Angelo added, thrusting a napkin with the caf's logo on it into Jesse's hand and reaching for a pen by the register.
Jesse leaned over to sign it, and was about to make the "J" when he remembered. Carefully, in a schoolboy's crawling script, he wrote out the unfamiliar phony name. "I'm sorry," he said as he lifted the pen away, "I - I haven't done that - you know, a lot, and all."
Angelo, it seemed, could care less. He threw his arms around Jesse and gave him a huge hug. "Thank you soooo much Ron!!" He looked at the napkin over Jesse's shoulder. "Believe me, you'll be signing a lot of autographs from now on! I know so many people who just drool over your work!!" He leaned in to whisper to Jesse, "How long must all that take, anyway - you and Jamie? I mean, it must be exhausting, going at each other for so long like that." His voice dropped even further and took on a sly tone. "And to stay hard for so long, and to come like that!! You must be on sex steroids or something!" he giggled again and stepped back, looking him up and down.
Mercifully, their coffees arrived. Angelo handed Jesse the covered cup. "Would you like to sit with us? There's so much I'd love to ask you!!!"
"No! No, sorry, um, I - I can't. Gotta go. Lotsa - y'know, stuff - to do, and all."
Angelo looked mildly crestfallen for a second, then smiled. "Of course, we understand. Movie magic," he giggled, looking again at his shorts lasciviously..
"Right." Jesse took his, thanked the barista, and turned to go. "Um, thank you, Angelo," he stuttered. "And, um, you, too - "
"Brian," said goatee man
"Right - Brian. Yeah. Well, thanks. Always - always nice to, y'know, hear from - from fans, and such, um, right?" He flashed an embarrassed smile and walked out as fast as he could. Behind him, he could hear Angelo: "He is so fuckin' hot!! I can't fucking believe it!!!" A few men were rising from their chairs to look at the screen on Brian's camera.
Jesse turned the opposite way from where his mother was parked, walked quickly to the intersection, turned up the side street, and doubled back in the alley behind the caf. He emerged back onto PCH at the end of the block, and hurried to the SUV.
His mother was sitting with her seat reclined, listening to "Morning Becomes Eclectic." She lifted her head as he climbed in.
"That took a while. Everything all right?"
"Sure!" Jesse said it perhaps a bit more emphatically than he should have. He ran a hand through his hair. "Just, y'know, lots of people. Everybody needs their Jones in the morning, right?" He shoved his sunglasses onto his face, hoping they'd shield him from further recognition
His mother laughed, sipped her coffee, and hissed sharply. "Well, they certainly make it hot," she said, putting on the blinker to pull out into traffic. Just go, Jesse thought. Please go.
Even back on the street, behind the SUV's tinted windows, he felt exposed, vulnerable. His mother was saying something he hadn't caught. "S-sorry Mom, what?"
She shook her head, amused. "I said that I looked in the phone book last night and there's what looks like a nice place up here at the corner . . ." she consulted a small paper in her hand, ". . . of Thalia Street. Why don't we start there. There are some galleries down the block, and we can both have some nice time."
Jesse longed for the mass anonymity of the mall, but he knew he was stuck. He reached back to grab a hoodie and slipped it on as they pulled to a stop. "OK Mom, I'll see you back in like an hour?"
"Perfect. Do you want the card, or do I get to look at what you pick out?"
Jesse was putting the hood up over his head. "Whatever. You - you can look, you wanted to, right? OK, later." He fairly ran into the shop, holding the hood tight over his head in the hopes he could become invisible. He grabbed something off a rack and hid in a dressing room.
Oh shit, he kept thinking to himself. Oh fucking shit.
A salesclerk rousted him after about 15 minutes, and he reluctantly began looking through the shop, unnaturally conscious of everyone around him. No one seemed to recognize the famous Internet porn star, though, and after a while he relaxed a bit and was actually able to browse the racks. He seemed suddenly to be interested only in hoodies, however - he picked out six, from various makers. The salesclerk , who had been suspicious, began teasing him gently. "You expecting that cold a winter?"
"Huh??" He looked at her panicked - he hadn't expected to be spoken to. "Oh - oh, no, I - I just like 'em. I, uh, I need some new ones. Growing ,and all. You know."
She nodded, smiling. "You're not from Laguna," she said. "I know most of the guys from here. You a tourist?"
"No, no, I'm just up from San Clemente." She made him feel at ease, and she was very pretty. Dark blonde hair streaked by the sun reached down her back, highlighted against her black No Fear tee; she had big boobs. In college, Jesse guessed.
"Well here, let me hold those for you," she offered, taking the hangers from Jesse. "I'm Cassie. Let me know if you're looking for anything else."
"Thanks." He exhaled for what seemed like the first time in hours.
The rest of the morning passed without any further star sightings, and Jesse slowly relaxed. He even began to giggle to himself a bit about the whole thing - his mortification, how tongue-tied he'd been, how he'd almost written his real name. But he kept subtly glancing around him, wondering if anyone else saw. Cassie flirted with him pretty openly the entire hour or so he spent in her shop, which didn't hurt either. With his mother's permission when she arrived (Cassie didn't even seem bothered by the fact that he was with his mother), Jesse wound up with a variety of new clothes - hoodies, tees, shorts. He even bought an ITunes card, as much for the No Fear logo on it (and the fact that Cassie pushed it on him) as for anything else. He also made silent note of the cost, vowing to pay more bills later on that day to make up for it. His mother's gas gauge, he had noticed, was perilously low.
He called Mike as soon as his mother dropped him off at home after driving through Pedro's on the way up the hill. "Dude, how'd the shop trip go?" Mike asked, sounding pleased to hear Jesse's voice.
"Um - well, weird." He recounted his encounter in Koffee Klatch. He could sense Mike's apprehension.
"Damn Jes, I woulda shit my pants if that'd happened to me! You OK?"
"Yeah, I guess. I was - it was so weird, like I was another person, or they thought I was another person."
"Well," Mike offered, "you were. You were Ron Gantry. The porn star."
Jesse thought about it a minute. "These guys were like all gaga over me, like they were meeting the fuckin' president or Kelly Slater or something."
Mike laughed. "Well, you're probably their main jerkoff fantasy right now, what'd you expect?"
"We. They asked where you were, too."
"Shit, really??" Mike sighed. "Well, maybe we shouldn't go to Laguna too much for a little."
Jesse leaned forward into his cell phone. "Mike, don't you get it?? That could just as easily happen here, at Ralph's or the mall or Wal-Mart, wherever. Anybody, anybody might recognize us, anytime. We -we're fucking celebrities and all."
"Well, in a pretty small, um, community, y'know?"
"Big enough that I got tagged just now."
Mike was trying to make Jesse, and himself, feel better. "Yeah but Jes, that's like Laguna - you know there's lots of fags up there, it's fucking legendary!"
"Yo Mike, haven't you noticed? We're fags now too. We're the fucking uber- fags"
"No, I mean - OK, sorry I said that. You know what I mean. It - it's like an enclave, a different place from normal."
The term normal only got Jesse angrier, but he suppressed it. "OK I just - I had this - thing happen, and I thought you better know."
"It's Ok, Jes," Mike said, his voice soft as only Mike could be. "You're still Jesse, you're not Ron fucking Gantry and I'm not Jamie whoever the fuck. We're still us."
"But not to them, Mike. To them we - we're trade. We're the latest piece of boy meat, rolled out for them to beat off to."
"We can stop. Let's stop right now, Jes. No more. Fuck Ernie and Falcone and all of it."
Jesse sagged, his hand running through his hair. "I know we can," he said. "B - but I want to help my mom and stuff. You know."
"You can do that without doing this shit, Jes - the Surf Outlet, Killer Dana, lots of places. You know you can get a job whenever you want."
Jesse sighed. "They don't pay shit. Minimum wage." He groped for his latest bank statement. Ron Gantry had a balance of $8,694.87, after the things he'd already paid. "I gotta go, Mike"
"Can I see you later? Come down here?"
"Yeah, sure. Just give me a little, OK?"
"OK." Mike's voice was full of concern. He tried to change the subject. "I got the software, Jes. I've been doing the tutorial all morning."
Jesse perked up. "Really? Is it easy?"
"Takes some practice. Give me a week and I'll be pro."
"Excellent." He smiled to himself at the prospect. "Hey Mike I'm sorry dude, I just got freaked there, and - "
Mike shushed him. "Don't be stupid. I know." And Jesse realized that he was indeed the only other person, in the whole world, who did know - who could understand his mix of fear, embarrassment, ego thrill, repulsion, and self-satisfaction. No one else. There was only one Ron Gantry, there was only one Jamie Haller. No one else knew.
"OK, well I'm gonna crash here. Talk atcha later."
"Jes, are we cool?"
"Course. I still fucking love you, dude. OK?"
Jesse could almost hear Mike's smile through the phone. " 'K, Later."
Jesse busied himself with laundry and cleaning his room after that for about an hour, then crashed. It was odd: though he could be with Mike and be active (and not just sexually) for hours, his energy seemed to ebb dramatically still when he was alone. His head began hurting, his tongue felt suddenly raw again.
He flopped into his father's recliner, turned on the TV to a random old movie, and slept.
Cassie invited him to pull an ITunes card from her considerable cleavage. He giggled at the opportunity and instead began feeling her up, to her apparent delight. She slid off her lab coat and embraced him, naked, until she and Angelo helped him out of his shorts and boxers, and Angelo began stroking him while Brian applauded. He took a long sip on a latte, handed it to Kate, and let the set lights shine across his nude body, making sure everyone in the audience could see. Everybody was pointing and nodding. Mike was watching from a distance, arms folded, leaning against a wall or doorway or something. Denny Falcone took Mike by the hand to lead him away, into a long stretched-out black Hummer filled with handsome naked boys, with Ernie behind the wheel. He wanted to stop Mike but Cassie was sucking him now as Angelo pranced around him pointing and shouting, "Look at how fucking hot he is!!! Who else wants to fuck him?" A great roaring WE rose from the crowd and they came at him, tearing him apart limb from limb, ignoring his screams until he fell off the recliner onto the floor and awoke.
His nose hurt like hell. He'd struck it on something as he had thrashed about and fallen; a thin stream of blood was coming from his right nostril. He stood slowly, rubbing his face. Shit, have I broken it again? He checked himself out gingerly, feeling the remaining scar across the bridge to see if it hurt beneath. No, that's OK there. He padded slowly to the bathroom to wash his face, the animal noise of the crowd still haunting him. I wish Tina was here, he thought.
He grabbed the mail and sorted again, finding about two thousand in bills he could pay off - two cards in total and a couple of utilities. He packed the envelopes up and rode down to the bank, drawing out the cashier's checks, and pedaled to the substation on Del Mar to mail them.
Pastor Ed was in line as well. He smiled and waved Jesse forward. "Come on, I'm just buying some stamps."
Jesse was reluctant to do so, in case Pastor Ed figured out what he was doing - it could raise some uncomfortable questions. "Not fair for me to cut the line, Pastor Ed. I'll wait my turn."
"Fair enough," Pastor Ed smiled. It was a pleasant smile, it had always made him feel safe and protected. Maybe that's how God smiles - he's a minister, he should know better than anybody.
As he left after buying his stamps, Pastor Ed stopped and held Jesse's bicep. "How are you?"
Something made Jesse want to avoid too much eye contact. "Fine. I'm, uh, feeling, y'know, better, and all."
"Good. Let me have Dave Magadin call you later on, OK?" Jesse nodded his assent, knowing full well he couldn't give any other answer. Oh shit, another fucking counselor. Pastor Ed seemed delighted with Jesse's answer, however. He turned his smile on full wattage. "So, you going to hook back up with the high school group? I know you couldn't go to camp this year, but I'm sure Marianne and Tim would love to have you back in the fold this fall."
"Sure, that'll be great. I, uh, I need to check the club schedule - volleyball - and, and stuff. Y'know."
Pastor Ed nodded. "Always lots of things going on. Makes it hard to just be a kid any more, I think."
Jesse smiled. "Yeah, it is hard to be that." You have no idea, dude, he thought.
"OK, well, I'll have Dave call you. Give your mom my best." He patted Jesse's arm once more and left, not seeing how Jesse sagged, relaxing, after his departure.
His cell rang just as he was leaving the post office. It was Mike. "Dude, you coming down?"
"I'm on Del Mar, be right there. I was, um, mailing some stuff. You know."
"Oh, right, cool. You need any money?"
"Na it's good. We got a shitload in that account, did you see?"
"Yeah I did. The site is really pushing it, saying it's such a hot seller and all."
Jesse felt again that odd combination of shame, revulsion and pride. "Yeah, we're a real success I suppose."
Mike snorted. "Whatever. Get here, OK? I miss you."
Jesse smiled as he flipped his phone shut. Fuck all of it, Mike misses me. Mike wants he, needs me, loves me. That's what matters.
It took Mike about 15 minutes to go through the tutorial and all he'd learned to do with Jesse. They were both pleased. Then Mike showed him the Voyeur site, which seemed to be wall to wall stills and short clips of their lovemaking, with various come- ons, offers, and proclamations of how hot a property Ron Gantry and Jamie Haller were. Most ominously, Jesse noticed one screen: "BUY NOW before any new Ron and Jamie product comes out, or this FIRST HOT SESSION may be forever gone!!!"
"New product?" he asked, looking at Mike. "Have you heard from Ernie?"
Mike shook his head. "Nada. Probably they're just gonna recut what we did and shit. He talked about being able to do that."
Jesse looked back at the screen, unconsciously admiring the curve of Jamie Haller's body as he moved atop Ron Gantry in a video clip that looped again and again. "What, like out greatest hits album or something?"
Mike laughed. "Yeah, our greatest fucks." He took Jesse by the shoulder and turned him around, away from the screen. "Forget that shit, willya? C'mere." And they embraced, kissed, stripped, and slowly made love, rubbing against each other until they both cried out in submission to their desire.
They were flopped in front of the TV, clothed, and not even in a particularly compromising position, when Mike's mother came home. She kissed her son on top of the head and ran a hand softly across Jesse's cheek. "How are you, dear? You want to stay for dinner?"
Jesse perked up, glancing at Mike. "Sure! Let me check with my mom."
Hs mother, however, was not cooperative. "I'd like you home for dinner tonight, Jesse. You can spend time with Mike later on, but tonight I'd like to have dinner. All right?"
Jesse tried to mask his disappointment. "Sure Mom, OK. Is everything all right?"
"Of course dear." As if she'd ever say anything else. "I'm just putting some comps together for a client right now."
"How'd things go this afternoon?"
His mother paused a moment, Jesse thought he could hear her sigh. "It went all right, honey. We'll talk more at dinner, all right?" She clicked off the line, leaving Jesse worried.
His mother was already cooking when he pedaled back up the hill to their house, which also surprised him. He'd expected her to stay at her office later if she'd been working on a comps list - she was nothing if not ridiculously thorough. Jesse decided to play it casual, and happy. "Hi, Mom!!" he called as he pushed open the door from the garage. "What's to eat tonight anyway?"
She smiled at him warmly and kissed his cheek. "How's some chicken enchiladas with rice and beans sound? You can cut up the onion and carrots," she added, gesturing to the butcher block behind her as she stood at the stove. They spent the next half hour or so cooking, cutting various things up and doing other prep work so the dishes could simmer as they must for an hour or more.
When it was done, his mother poured herself a glass of white wine. "Can we talk for a minute, Jesse?" she asked, and Jesse nodded, his stomach turning.
They sat at the dining room table, where Jesse's last argument with his father had begun. "I got a call from Pastor Ed this afternoon." Jesse swallowed. "He'd like to have you talk to Mr. Magadin, the lay pastor who's also a psychologist." She laid her hands flat on the table and looked at them. "I think that might be useful, but I don't want to commit you to anything you don't want to do. I know enough about that sort of thing to know that if you're not willing to do it - therapy, and all that - it has no chance of being useful. Do you think that would be a good idea?"
Jesse shifted in his chair. "I - I guess so. Sure. I, um, I suppose I, y'know, ought to talk about - about stuff, to somebody."
His mother looked up at him. "The woman from Social Services - Erica Vasquez - is also wanting to talk to you. I can't stop that, Jesse. You have to talk to her. I've been putting her off, but I can't do that much longer."
"I understand."
Jesse's mother looked back down at her hands. "I'm not supposed to coach you. In fact, they say I can go to jail if I do coach you. So please know that I don't want to do that. I wouldn't in any event, Jesse. You know how I feel about lying."
His eyes were blinking very rapidly now. "Yes ma'am."
"Jesse," and her eyes as she looked back up at him were very dark now, deep, and showing a pain that he'd never seen in them before, "I just need to know the truth. I don't want you to gloss anything over for my sake, or lie to me. You need to be a good Marine, as your father used to say. All right?" Jesse nodded, feeling a drop of sweat roll down his back. "I need to know what happened. What really happened. I know you told Ben you - you, well, experimented, with yourself, using a broom handle. That's what you told Ms. Vasquez, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"But that's not true, is it?"
"No, ma'am."
Because they took samples from you. Semen samples. You know that, don't you?" Jesse nodded again.
His mother took a deep breath. "Jesse, your father did not do that to you, did he?"
Jesse's eyes were beginning to water. "No, ma'am, he - he'd never - he never touched me or anything, like that."
His mother breathed once, very deeply. "Who did this to you, Jesse? Was it another adult somewhere?"
"No, ma'am."
Another breath. "Have you been having sex with another boy?"
His cheeks were burning. Why even bother to answer? "Yes, ma'am."
His mother smiled ever so slightly, and dropped her head to look at her hands again. "Do Mike's parents have any idea about this?"
Jesse gaped at her for a long moment, until she lifted her eyes to meet his. "Do they know, baby? This is no little thing."
"I - I don't know. I don't think so." He was crying, very silently, ashamed.
He could feel her nod her head. "How long?"
Jesse wiped his eyes with the back of is left hand. "A couple of weeks before - before Dad."
"And how do you feel about it? About him?"
Her eyes were calm, but measuring. His mouth worked for a few seconds before he could say it all. "Mom, I - I love him. I so fucking love him, Mom." She ignored his language, allowing him to open up further. "I never - I can't imagine being - Oh God, Mom, please don't be mad, please don't hate me, I never told them Daddy did anything like that to me, he didn't do anything, it's all my fault . . ." He slid his face down into his forearms on the tabletop. "I'm so sorry, Mom, he killed himself because of me, I did it, I didn't mean to do it, I just - I just - I'm so sorry I'm like this - "
Her hand in his hair, just above the nape of his neck, made him break down completely. She petted him slowly, softly, as he cried himself out over the next several agonizing minutes.
She waited for him to look back up. He saw her cheeks were streaked as well. "It's all right, doll baby. It's all right." She opened her arms, and they came together, both crying openly now, and more long minutes passed in that safest of embraces.
She finally pulled back, looked at him, and wiped his cheeks, the way he remembered her doing when he was little. "Now I want you to listen to me, very carefully. Nothing you have ever done or ever could do has anything to do with - with what happened to your father, or with what he did. He loved you totally and without any condition."
"I was his great disappointment - he said so," Jesse blubbered.
"And you think he meant that? Things he said when he was angry, or sad, or hurt, or when he'd been drinking too much? Jesse, oh Jesse, he loved you so much, and Ben too. He'd have cut off both his arms for you. He never wanted either of you to grow up, to see and know the things he knew about being an adult in this world. He hated it, all of it, and he wanted to protect both of you from it. That's why he was a Marine, really - to protect you, and everybody, from all the ugliness in the world."
She moved back to her seat, and Jesse wiped his face and tried to listen. "Your father spent most of his time at NevaCal in what was really a dead-end position. They paid him well enough, but he knew - well he felt - that it was only because of his connections through the Corps that he had the job at all. And he saw his babies growing up, and he tried to imagine life without you two - "
"What do you mean? We'd never leave."
Her smile now was infinitely sad. "But you do, baby. Children leave. Maybe not emotionally - they're always your children - but the whole idea is for you to learn, grow up, and leave. Isn't it?" Jesse nodded. "He only knew one way to deal with things, and that was to be stronger than anything he had to face. Or at least to appear that way," she sighed. "Your father was a lot more sensitive than I think he ever let on to you boys."
"Wh - why didn't he, y'know, look for another job?"
"Oh he did, Jes. But he was loyal, and he felt loyalty to NevaCal and the Corps people who gave him the job. It was just hard for him. He - he really wasn't cut out to be anything but a Marine, when you get down to it. I don't think he ever got over leaving the Corps."
Jesse sniffled loudly. "Why did he leave it then?"
His mother looked at her hands for a long minute. "I really don't know, baby. He said he was just tired of it all, and maybe he was. It's hard moving up, in rank, at the level he was when he retired. You just sort of get stuck. Lots of lieutenant colonels, and very few full ones. And he so preferred being on the ground, commanding men. He loved that, even after he got wounded he wanted to go back to a combat command. But he couldn't do it physically." Jesse looked at her questioningly. "He wasn't indestructible, Jes. The shrapnel made his whole back area weak, his shoulders and all. He just had too much torn up. He didn't look it, and he never let on, but he wasn't the same." She sighed. "So, he retired, so we could live here. He thought this place was Eden."
Jesse wiped his eyes. "I know. He'd tell me how beautiful it was every time we'd go to Trestles or even T Street. How lucky I was to be here."
His mother smiled. "He was right wasn't he?"
"Of course." Jesse shifted in his chair. "Mom, he - he killed himself because he found out about me."
"Jesse, no - you must never think that. He killed himself after he found out about you, if that's how you want to regard it. And that's very different. What - what drove him, at the end I don't think any of us can ever really know, but I do know that even after he -he hit you, and me, that he loved us, and was so hurt, and so wanted to make things right. And somehow, to him, that was how to do it." She was crying now, though her voice remained steely. "He did what he thought was right. He was just so wrong, he - he reasoned so poorly, at the end. But don't you ever put what happened on yourself, Jesse, because that would kill him all over again. And it would kill me, too."
She sniffed once, very long and loudly. "Now, we need to deal with things as they are," she said, spreading her hands out on the table. "I don't know that you terribly want to talk about - about you and Michael to Mr. Magadin - in fact I have a feeling you'd lie about it to him, wouldn't you?"
Jesse's blush returned. "Probably, ma'am. I don't want - he needs to be the one to say how it all, like, comes out. Not me."
She nodded. "Ms. Vasquez at Social Services needs to know the truth. Not about Michael specifically, I think, but the truth. That's very important, Jesse, and not just to clear your father. You need to understand that they've been questioning whether you should be placed in foster care."
"They can't do - "
"Of course they can, Jesse. It's their job, when a child is being abused by a parent. Now we can try to keep Mike out of all that, for his sake, but we need to be open with them about what you've been doing. All right?" He bowed his head in assent.
A long pause. "As for Michael, I think he needs to talk to his parents. Bill and Dolores deserve to know."
"Please don't tell them."
"I wouldn't presume to do that. That's Mike's job, not mine. I think we need to discuss this with him. As for you," and she straightened in the chair, "I can't pretend that I'm entirely happy with this. You're far too young to be doing anything - anything sexual, in my opinion. I worry that it isn't healthy, and not just in the disease sense. It is just you two, isn't it - no one else, ever?"
"No - no ma'am, no way - I couldn't - "
"That's all right, I don't need details. I have quite enough already."
"Mom, please, don't be mad or hate me, I didn't mean to have this happen - "
"I know that. But it did happen. And we have to deal with it." She looked at him. "If I asked you to stop - to stop being intimate with him, would you? Not to stop seeing him, or being friends, but just to stop - doing things?"
Jesse blinked. "I - I could try. I mean I would try. I just - "
"Is that too much for me to ask?" The question wasn't hostile.
Jesse looked down, unable to meet her gaze. "Mom, I really do love him. I - I'll try, if you want me to . . ."
"But you'd be completely miserable. And you'd inevitably hate me for making you do something that your own heart told you wasn't right. Wouldn't you?"
"Mom, I could never hate you!!"
She smiled. "And a month ago or so, you could never have sex with another boy - you never imagined that, did you?" He shook his head. "One really awful part of being an adult, baby, is that you see how these things will work out, better than you did when you were younger, and the foresight is rarely pretty." She sighed. "And you still get blindsided. I never, never imagined . . . " A deep sigh.
"Mom, please- "
"I love you, Jesse. That can't change. I - I need to, well, come to terms, with this all, because it's very - very disorienting, and as much as I want to be fair and all that, it's disturbing to me, on a very deep level, things I can't really explain." She took his hand. "But never doubt that I love you, and I want you to be happy. You're not just doing this because of the, well, the hormones, are you? You really do love each other?"
Jesse blinked hard to keep his eyes clear. "Oh God, Mom, yes. We do - I do." She smiled a crooked, knowing smile, and he started to giggle. "OK, we get kind of hormonal, too, but geez Mom what'd you expect?"
"You two," she said, rising to her feet, "have always been the craziest pair I ever saw. I should have seen this coming a mile away." She opened her arms and they hugged again, with Jesse feeling safe in a way he hadn't in a long time. "Just please be careful, honey. Some people will try to hurt you, and exploit you, and you need to be strong against that." She pulled back and looked him in the eye. "You tell me when anything like that happens, all right? I don't want this to become something that hurts you. You and Mike have enough to deal with, and you'll hurt enough on your own. You tell me when anyone else tries to hurt you."
Jesse smiled, reconstructing his facade. Too late, Mom. You don't need to know all of that, this is enough. "OK, Mom, I promise." But not like a good Marine.
His mother took a deep breath and wiped her face. The door from the garage slammed. Ben's voice called out, "Hey, sorry I'm late! Smells great in here - I hope I didn't miss anything!!"