Jesse roused himself at about 5, knowing that his mother would soon be home. He let Mike sleep a little longer as he cleaned up in his bathroom. The quiet was refreshing, after all the noise the two of them had made before falling asleep, and it was just too good to be able to see Mike's sleeping nude form in his bed. When he decided he looked reasonably presentable, he slid onto the bed and kissed the swell of Mike's buttock.
Mike grunted and rolled onto his back. "I think we're like killing each other here."
Jesse giggled and nuzzled into Mike's belly, looking up at his chin. "I love it. I love you. I wish we could just stay like this - sleep and fool around and touch and stuff. All the mushy shit. Sorry, I like want all that now."
Mike stretched. "I know, me too." He looked at Jesse's bedside clock. "I gotta get up, right? Your mom?"
"Ya, and Ben and Brent will be back soon, too." He kicked himself mentally - he hadn't asked Uncle Booth what to do about Brent. Would he be by for dinner, he wondered. Maybe I can talk to him then.
Mike nodded. "Ya, I gotta go home sometime, too. I think my mom was planning some family dinner thing - some cousins are coming down from Goleta, or some such shit. Real thrill, right?"
Jesse smiled. "That depends on how cute they are."
"Aw, Jes, they're like thirty or somethin' gimme a break!" He swatted at Jesse and padded into the bathroom, laughing. Jesse flicked open his cell phone. There was a message from Erick. He dialed voicemail and listened.
"Dude, I gotta thank you for having your uncle, or whatever he is, go with me. I like totally chickened out and he like took over everything and he got Taylor to start telling him all this nasty shit and made him like shit his pants he wuz so scared he was gonna get arrested and shit. It was great. So my mom and dad are out tonight at some club thing -" Erick's parents belonged to one of the "yacht clubs," really just groups of boat enthusiasts, at Dana Point harbor - "and I thought maybe you and Mike and Kate and me could hang. Lemme know. It's def party time dude!!"
Jesse heard the toilet flush and giggled to himself. Well, he did have stuff to expel, didn't he. A minute later Mike stepped back out, wiping a damp towel over his face. "Do I look OK?"
Jesse grinned. "You're a fuckin' Greek god, dude, and I'm your servant. Just tell me what you want."
Mike grinned evilly. "Maybe later." They both started giggling. Jesse heard the garage door start opening, and gestured to Mike. They dressed quickly and sprinted downstairs to flop in front of the TV, clicking on some random sports channel. Poche's barking at their movements probably gave them away, but Jesse's mother didn't appear to let on when she found them there, seated separately, a moment or two later.
"Hello, Mike, are you still with us? When are your parents picking you up?"
Mike of course had no answer. "I, uh, I guess I should like call and all. Sorry, I kinda forgot."
"No matter, you're welcome to stay if you like." Jesse felt a thrill run through him, before he remembered the message.
"Oh Mom, I forgot, Erick left a message and invited Mike and me over to hang at his place for a while tonight. Is that OK?" He glanced at Mike, who nodded his approval. :I think Kate Sandowski's gonna be there, maybe a few other people. Nothing major, just like some movies and pizza and stuff." He felt he wasn't exactly lying, but he wasn't being entirely truthful either. He remembered something he had heard or read about the space between words.
His mother considered a minute. "It's fine with me, but let's have dinner first, all right? What time was Erick thinking of? And how late would it go? I still have my reservations about him, you know."
"He's really OK, Mom. We like talked to him, and I think he's realized that he'd kinda been a jerk there for a while."
"Yeah, he's cool, now," Mike agreed. "Lemme call my parents and see what's up, OK?" He stepped outside, as he hit speed dial.
The silence between mother and son grew awkward. "So, did you two just stay here all day?"
"Oh, no ma'am. Uncle Booth came by pretty early and we, um, he like took us to Pipes an' the beach and stuff. We've only been back for a little while." Why am I such a shitty liar, he thought to himself. More spaces between words.
His mother nodded as she put groceries into the refrigerator. "And what about Ben and his friend?"
"They hit the beach too - not where we were, I'm not sure where they went. Haven't seen them since morning."
She nodded again. "Well, I need to change. We had some decent traffic at the open house today, it might even sell."
"Mom, that's great! I'm sorry, I should have asked right off."
"Don't be silly, that's the last thing you should be worrying about."
Jesse swallowed. "B - but I do, Mom. I worry a lot, about you, and your, like, career, and all that." He felt suddenly like he was choking up. "I want you to be, y;know, happy, Mom. That's important to me."
Hi mother looked at him for a long moment. She blinked a few times, then smiled softly. "Thank you, Jesse, that might be the best thing I've heard all day." She inhaled sharply, regaining control of her voice. "All right, let me clean up and change. Booth is due here any minute, and he seemed in a very good mood. I think he likes spending time with you boys."
Jesse grinned. "Yes, ma'am, I think so. It's great to have him around. Will he be living around here once he's out of the Corps?"
His mother shrugged as she moved up the stairs. "I would presume, especially if he took that job at NevaCal. Somewhere in south county."
Jesse sat back down and rubbed Poche's head. The dog was growing daily it seemed - where his hand had covered her head only a month before, now it rested on top. For her part, Poche wasn't content with that measure of attention - she pawed his hand downwards against her chest. Laughing, he rolled off the couch to the floor with her and started rubbing her tummy vigorously. She flopped onto her back with a series of low growls and moans, her tail wagging furiously. This, of course, soon turned into outright wrestling, with Poche growling and play biting at Jesse as he tickled and poked her. The main retaliation he received, of course, was a vigorous licking.
Mike appeared in the room, looking down with a slight rueful smile. "I dunno if I'll be able to do Erick's or not. My mom really wants me home tonight, she's heading up now. She was kinda pissed that I didn't check in earlier."
Jesse was still. "Is it all OK? I mean -"
"I don' think she's like gonna ground me or make me never see you again or anything. She's just, y'know, pissed. She's been on kind of a short fuse lately, y'know?"
Jesse nodded. "I don't wanna get you into any shit with your mom, Mike."
Mike smiled and dropped to one knee, taking his turn rubbing Poche's belly. "It's OK, Jes, it's just stuff I gotta deal with - same as she does. She'll be cool, just give it time."
"I hope so."
They regarded each other for a moment before turning their attention back to Poche, who acted as if she'd deserved it all along.
Jesse tried to act casual after Mike left, climbing icily into his mother's car, but he wasn't doing well at it. He found he missed having Mike with him, even after so momentary an absence. Man up, he told himself. You'll see him real soon, probably in the morning. Maybe even later tonight. He kept repeating that to himself, pushing back the fear that Mike's parents would somehow keep him away. Visions of Mike being kidnapped and bundled off to some "ex-gay" conversion camp floated disconnectedly through his head. That's bullshit, you know that - they're not like fundies or anything, and his dad is cool with it all. Get a fucking grip. He wiped his hands on his shorts; they were getting sweaty.
Ben and Brent arrived a few minutes later. Brent was joking loudly, getting Poche wildly excited. Ben seemed more subdued. The ensuing barking and casual conversation distracted Jesse, and was welcome.
It seemed that Brent had not put enough sunblock on his butt or crotch area, and was now nursing the mother of all intimate sunburns. He clearly was uncomfortable in the mesh liner of his boardshorts. "It grates on me everywhere, I can't move in these things without it hurting. I don't even know if I can go commando, the shorts might hurt too." He leered at Jesse. "Wanna take a good close look at it? Maybe you can rub it and make it all better."
Ben, visibly bothered by the remark, offered a quiet suggestion. "You need really tight underwear, actually - like second skin, with lots of aloe on you beneath. That way it won't like rub against you when you move and scrape your skin."
"You just wanna scope me out."
Ben shushed him. "My mom's upstairs, dipshit. Keep it down, OK?"
Brent clearly didn't care. "Dude, you oughta be honest with her. He was," indicating Jesse. "Sort of," he added with a delighted leer. Jesse flinched.
Ben stiffened visibly. "Jesse's in love. It's different."
"And you're not? You don't wanna suck on my stiffy all night long till your jaw locks?"
Ben stepped away from Brent slowly, deliberately. "Maybe. Maybe when I'm horned up. But I'm not in love with you, just like you're not in love with me. You're fucking me, but stop trying to fuck with me, OK? You're gonna leave here and go to Europe or wherever your dad's money lets you go, and you're gonna take down every piece of ass you can find - guy, girl, whatever. You're just getting laid, Brent, face it. It's fun, but it's not like Jesse at all."
Brent blinked several times - he clearly hadn't expected such an attack. "I - I thought you liked me."
Ben sighed. "I do. But you're a user, and most of the time you're a selfish prick. I'm seeing that more all the time. You got sucked off by that old guy you followed back into the arroyo at San O, didn't you? Or maybe you sucked him?" Brent started to speak, but fell abashedly silent. "Yeah, I saw that, I wasn't really asleep. I don't think you guys fucked, because even you're not dumb enough to do that without a rubber. But who knows? See, that's the problem, Brent - I don't know, I can't be sure. And you spent the whole Goddam day trying to get me to fuck with you there on the beach - in public. Sometimes you got to take no for answer, OK?" He started up the stairs. "I think you should go, dude? In the morning. Just leave."
Brent looked back at Jesse for a moment. "That's it? Just leave? What th' fuck, dude? I mean - "
"And stop looking at my brother and scopin' him out and shit. He's fuckin' 15 years old, OK? He's not gonna hook with you, and I'm not gonna help you do it. He's a kid, he's not like you."
Brent looked at Jesse for a moment. Jesse, speechless, saw what was coming, and silently begged Brent not to say it. No such luck. "Oh, yeah, he's all so pure and in love and crap. Like he's not doing porn on the web or anything."
Ben turned and stared at Brent. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Brent snorted. "C'mon, I'll show you." He stormed upstairs past Ben, who glanced at Jesse quizzically for a moment before following him. Jesse wanted to piss in his pants. He had to go up, too. He had to explain it to Ben. But how? It took him about a minute to get his legs to move.
By the time he got upstairs, he could hear Ben and Brent arguing in Ben's room. He also heard the shower in his mother's bathroom. Thank God, that delays one part of this disaster for a few minutes anyway. He leaned against the door to Ben's room to listen.
"It was here, Goddammit! On this site!! I looked at it last night, fer Chrissake! What the fuck is going on?"
You fucking accuse my brother of this shit? My fifteen year old brother?? What kind of an asshole are you?"
"It's true, dammit, I just gotta find a secondary site, they took it down for some - what the fuck happened to it?"
There was a heavy thud. "Get out of here. Now. Get your sick pervert ass out of my fucking house and away from my fucking brother." Another thud, and a yelp of pain.
Jesse pushed into the room. Ben was standing over Brent, who was splayed awkwardly on the floor, still occupying the chair he'd been sitting in at Ben's desk - sort of, anyway. Both he and the chair had been felled, apparently by a nasty right hand to Brent's eye socket. His cheekbone was already swelling visibly. "Jesse, this isn't about you. I can handle this." Brent looked up at him angrily. It was his father's angry look.
Jesse knew there was no sense (or safety) in arguing with Ben. He slipped into his room, closed the door, and tried to breathe. He could hear things moving about in Ben's room, some more tense discussion, then the door to the room slamming. Then the front door. Shaking, he sat at his computer and pulled up Voyeur Video. The main page showed Kevin and Julian fucking people, but the other peoples' faces were hidden. The links similarly showed the two getting sucked, and more of them fucking, the anonymous figures. A bevy of promotional popups proclaimed new and coming clips from the two of them. There was no sign of Ron Gantry or Jamie Holder anywhere on the site - no links, no pictures, no teasers. Jesse blinked. Ernie had been true to his word. Would he get in trouble with Falcone? Should Jesse feel grateful?
He heard Ben coming back up the stairs, and quickly clicked over to Google. Ben stormed into Jesse's room and sat on the bed. He put his head in his hands for a moment. "God, what a jerkoff. How did I fall for that shit?"
Jesse felt an overpowering urge to confess. "Ben, this isn't about him, OK, it - it's about me -"
"Yeah, and how he wanted to fuck you." Ben looked up, shaking his head slowly. "He's been on me ever since he laid eyes on you to get me to help get him into your pants. Telling me how you're a real party boy and crap. I thought he was just being a jerk, or teasing me, but he really was serious. That's what that whole thing was this morning, with him wanting you to go to San O with us and get naked. So then, when he couldn't nail you on the beach, he wanted to get me" He raised his arms in frustration. "I'm not gonna do that in front of people, Christ, what the fuck does he think? And accusing you of doing porn, for God's sake - I mean, that's just plain fucking sick. Fucking fifteen year old doing porn, that's nuts. Trying to justify his own sick self by saying something like that . . . ." He stared off into space.
Jesse swallowed hard. "You're hurt?" He desperately wanted to change the subject.
Ben looked up at him, his eyes suddenly watery. "Yeah. But it was gonna come to this eventually, right? I mean I knew it all along. I was, like, lying to myself about it all - 'he's really a good guy, he really likes me, he'll realize how cool we are with each other and stop being such a slut.' Total denial and shit." He sighed as he stood, and stepped over to Jesse. "I will not let him, or anybody, hurt you, or fuck with you," he whispered thickly, his hand in Jesse's hair. "I wasn't here to protect you from what happened with Dad, and I'm not ever gonna let that happen again, OK?"
"You can't protect me from stuff. Shit happens, Ben"
"Maybe not everything. But I'm not gonna let anybody say shit like that about my brother. I mean look," he continued with another sigh, "I knew who he was - what he was. This is no different than freshman year, when he'd fuck around with me whenever he wanted and then go do anyone else he felt like doing it with and then rub my nose in it - how hot he was, and how much he got laid. I dunno why I thought he was different now. Turns out, he's just worse."
Jesse put his hand on Ben's. "I don't want to see you hurting either."
"I know. But this one I brought on myself, right? 'Fool me once' and all that crap." He tousled Jesse's hair. "It'll be OK, don't worry. Better people in the world than him."
"So he's like gone?"
Ben nodded. "Threw his shit into his Beemer, and him after it. He was gonna go tomorrow anyway." He listened for a moment. "Let's just tell Mom he had to go, OK? I'll handle it."
"OK," Jesse said, feeling numb, and guilty.
Uncle Booth arrived as Ben walked downstairs. Jesse heard him speaking quietly with Ben for a few minutes, until his mother interrupted them with her reappearance. Jesse had no desire to see any of them. His fear and shame were overwhelming him again, he wanted to crawl under his comforter and never see anyone again. Except Mike. Mike would know what to do, how to make him feel better, how to say or do something silly or stupid or mushy to make him laugh and feel like he was alive again. God he missed him. He felt himself tearing up a little, and his anger at that feeling only made the emotion more intense, until he found himself pacing his room furiously, aimlessly, swearing under his breath and sniffling.
He was startled to hear Uncle Booth's voice. "It was pretty clear you didn't hear me knock, so I took the liberty," he said as he closed the door. "Is that OK?"
"Yes, sir, of course. Sorry, I, um I was just like thinking - "
"That whole thing with the Brent kid, and Ben, got you upset?" Jesse nodded. "No surprise. Ben told me what happened. He's not happy, but I think he's relieved to be over it - and him - once and for all." Uncle Booth sat on the edge of the bed. "Jesse, I think we need to tell Ben, in case Brent or someone he knows says anything else to him. There'll be random secondary sites and unauthorized pieces of the clips circulating around for a bit - that can't be stopped, even now that the main site is shut down. So far as anything truly bad happening, it's about the odds of lightning striking, but Ben might get caught unaware. He needs to know. And deserves to, I think."
Jesse was standing, arms limply at his sides. "Wh - what about Mom?" The words clung to the back of his throat.
Uncle Booth leaned forward, frowning. "That's much harder. Complete honesty would dictate telling her, of course. But I really see no need. She's been pretty strong this summer, Jesse - for you, for Ben, for her own sake. She's put makeup on over scars and bruises you haven't probably noticed, trying to make things as normal as possible for you both."
Jesse blinked. "Her - her like cuts and all, they healed really fast -"
"No, Jesse, they didn't. You didn't notice them but they're still there. For one thing, us older people don't heal like you do - you were OK, even on your tongue, within a week or so. An advantage of youth, treasure it." He smiled ruefully. "But she masked it, covered it all up - along with a lot of other things, inside. She's still doing it. I think she'll never let it all out, how she feels. I can't in good conscience tell you to add to her burdens right now with this sort of thing."
"I don't want to make her feel bad, or like burden her, or anything. I don't want to put any of this on her -"
"I know, you want to handle it yourself." Uncle Booth smiled. "Your dad raised a good Marine. Never show pain, never display weakness. Handle it." He smiled and stood. "You don't have to handle it alone, though, OK? I'm here, and Ben's here.'
Jesse gulped as Uncle Booth pulled him into a hug, trying not to break down completely in his strong arms. "Ben'll be pissed, he'll hate me."
"Don't be ridiculous," Uncle Booth said calmly. "He loves you."
Jesse pulled back. "Yeah, but it'll be like he thought Brent was lying and that's why he threw him out only he wasn't lying and it'll be like my fault . . . "
Uncle Booth rubbed Jesse's shoulder, its weight heavy on him. "I think you underestimate your brother, Jesse. From all I could see, he was getting ready to tell that kid off and kick him to the curb pretty soon anyway. I don't think he quite realized it, but he was. I've heard quite a bit more about Brent from your brother than I think he's shared with you." Jesse looked at him questioningly. "It wasn't like you and Mike, believe me. And Ben knew it, even when he didn't want to adit it to himself. There are relationships like that. All sizzle and no substance. Ben has a lot of substance, but that kid . . . well, he wasn't interested in much beyond what he could touch next with his wiener."
Jesse tried not to laugh, in spite of himself. "Wiener?"
Uncle Booth shrugged. "I'll use a polite term if I want. Your pure virgin ears and all, right?" He tousled Jesse's hair lightly. "It'll be OK, and so will Ben. I'll talk with him later on."
Jesse gulped. "No. I need to tell him. It - it's my, my responsibility, and all."
Uncle Booth looked at him hard for a moment. "You want to do that?"
Jesse snorted a laugh. "Course not. But - but I have to, if he's gonna find out. I mean look, you've been doing the Mr. Fix-it on everything here, Uncle Booth, and - and it's been so cool, I appreciate it more than I can tell you, OK? But - it's my life, and it's my brother, and - and I need to be, like, responsible, OK? If it's OK with you . . . "
Uncle Booth looked at him for a long moment, his face slowly cracking into a proud smile. "Walt's son," he whispered, and his voice sounded a bit thick. His hand landed heavily on Jesse's shoulder, squeezing it just short of painfulness. "You handle it however you think best. I can be there if you like. Your call."
Jesse nodded. "I'll figure it out. Maybe after dinner we can go walk Poche, OK?" Uncle Booth nodded
Jesse's cell rang. He started at the sound, and clicked it on nervously. It was Mike. "Hey dude," Mike said melodically. Jesse grinned unconsciously; Uncle Booth saw the look on his face and shook his head slightly.
"Hey yourself. You OK?"
"Ya, it's all cool. I just gotta do family duty tonight and all, is that OK? I already told Erick, he's lookin' at maybe getting a pit near T Street for tomorrow night and having a general blowout. I think that'd be cool."
"Yeah, but he's gonna have t' get there at like 5 in the morning to hold the pit, on a holiday weekend and all."
Mike chuckled. "Well it appears he's hitting there that early to practice anyway. This new guy called his dad about coaching him already, and they're all meeting before sunup. Seems his dad isn't that put out by Taylor splitting - he was getting a bad vibe from him or something."
"There's a surprise," Jesse muttered.
"Ya, right? So anyway things seem cool there. I just gotta play the polite son here tonight for the family, sorry."
Jesse leaned forward a little. "I, um, I gotta take Poche for a long walk later - probably with Ben. I, uh - Brent left in kind of a scene here just now, Ben kicked him out. He like told Ben we were doing porn, and it wasn't on the site, and Ben got kinda medieval on his face."
"Shit," Mike breathed. Jesse could feel the tension in his voice. "So he like didn't see anything?"
"No, it's all gone." They paused for a long moment. "Mike, I gotta tell Ben. I'm gonna tell him on the walk, OK? It - it's important."
Another long pause. "You made your mind up about this, right?"
"Ya."
Another one. Jesse could heard the pulse in his skull. "OK, well I can't stop you, can I? You got your Marine thing going and all." Mike let out a short, rueful laugh. "He'll be OK with it?"
"Ya, he will be, I know it. It's like with Brent saying something, he might hear something from somebody else, and if they saved anything to their hard drive, . . . ." The thought that it wasn't really over fell on him then; he felt short of breath.
"OK, you're right. The 'rents aren't nearly as likely to have that happen as Brent would be. Shit, I thought we were clear." He sighed. "Come down to the beach to walk Poche, I'll slip out and meet you. Call me."
"OK," Jesse said, his mouth dry. "Dude?"
"'S OK, Jes. I love you. This is like the final act, y'know? It's cool." His voice lowered. "But I am so gonna punish fuck you for this, dude."
Jesse couldn't control his abashed giggling. "Promise?" his cheeks were red; he realized Uncle Booth was watching. "Shit, I miss you."
"Me too Jes. Tons. Call me when you're heading out, OK? Gotta jet." The line clicked dead, and Jesse was left grinning stupidly at nothing in particular.
He was roused after a few seconds by Uncle Booth's laughter. "Come on loverboy, let's go down to your family." Jesse grinned and followed him down. The prospect of a punish fuck was enthralling.
The late afternoon sun was orange and blinding over the far ridge. Ben had the grill fired up, Poche was springing madly around the yard. Jesse's mother was nursing a scotch, sunglasses firmly in place, on a lounge chair. Uncle Booth joined her, laughing about Poche's indefatigability.
Jesse wandered over to Ben, his heart pounding. Ben offered him a pull on his Corona, which Jesse accepted with s shy grin and a glance over his shoulder to see if their mother noticed. Ben rubbed Jesse's back and returned the smile. "Good times, huh kid? I'm glad it worked out like this. The more I think about it the gladder I am to be rid of that asshole."
Jesse nodded and reached for another swig. "Let's take Poche to the beach later tonight, OK? You and me?"
Ben smiled. "And Mike?"
Jesse shuffled his feet a bit. "Well, yeah, he might join us and all. But - but I do wanna talk to you, Ben. About some stuff. OK?"
Ben looked at Jesse quizzically. "OK." He examined Jesse's face for a minute. "He didn't like try to do anything to you or anything, did he?" Jesse's answering laugh failed to assuage him. "I'll hunt that motherfucker down and kill him if he -"
"No, Ben, dude, nothing like that, OK? I - I just wanna talk, OK? Chill. And - and gimme the rest of your Corona, you can get another." He grabbed the bottle and strode to the outer edge of the yard. Below him the light was heavy, glowing in the westering sun with its burden of salt air and late summer dust. A flock of pelicans flew by over the beach, specks against the glinting ocean. Seal Rocks was a shadow on the water. Evening was coming earlier now, it was almost autumn. Hel felt it abruptly. Summer's almost gone. I start school Tuesday. He took a sip of beer and thought back to the end of school in June - just before he'd first peeked into Mike's bedroom window. God, it's like a century. The enormity of the last months hit him. The beer suddenly seemed like a really good idea, he drained it in one long gulp, and turned, choking, in the hope of maybe scoring another if his mother wasn't looking. Maybe that's what I need, to get really wasted. Poche dropped a ball at his feet and crouched a couple of feet away, ready to pounce if Jesse dared to try and pick it up. Jesse kicked it instead, the ball rocketing past the startled dog and into a corner near the garden shed. As Poche joyously sprinted after it, Jesse ambled back toward the house, breathing deeply. Ben was sitting on the edge of their mother's lounge chair, talking to her and to Uncle Booth. It was like a family, and he suddenly wanted very much to be part of it.
They ate steaks that night, grilled to perfection, and white corn whose sweetness made Jesse's teeth ache. They drank Two Buck Chuck red wine, and they laughed, and teased each other, and when Jesse's mother produced raspberries and Breyer's vanilla ice cream for dessert, she received a cheer that probably bothered the neighbors. The sun set behind the ridge, and a suddenly cool night fell, with stars glowing even through the city's lights and the coastal haze. A pack of coyotes yipped at one point somewhere up the arroyo, sending Poche into a frenzy of nervous barking. Jesse sat with her for a while, soothing her with his touch and voice. The dark world seemed poised, breath held, ready to leap from one state to another - a season turning, a life lost.
A little after ten, Jesse's mother stood to clear the table. The boys rushed to help her. "You're tired, Mom," Ben said. "Go to bed, we'll clean up. You can sleep in tomorrow, right?"
She shook her head. "I'm doing that open house in Talega. Another foreclosure property, we're trying to move it as quickly as we can."
"Like half of Talega's in foreclosure it seems," Ben observed.
She shrugged. "It's not the people's fault, most of the time. So many of the financing people were just so aggressive. And of course so many are out of work now, it's impossible to keep up with a mortgage like that without money coming in." She looked around. "I have to admit, I was worried we'd be in that position, for a while. After your father - died," The word clearly was hard to get out. She sighed. "But it's all much better now, with your father's share money from NevaCal." She was turning away, walking rapidly toward the stairs. "I didn't even know about it . . . ."
Jesse and Ben finished cleaning up in silence. They couldn't bear to see her like that, and couldn't bear going in to console her. Jesse found himself wiping his eyes as he punched in the dishwasher cycle. "So," Ben said, also seeming to want to talk about something else, "you wanna take Poche?" His smile made clear that he knew what that would entail.
Jesse grinned and nodded, forgetting for a moment his mission. Even recalling it couldn't entirely dampen his suddenly raised spirit. He might see mike. He fished his cell out of his cargo shorts and dialed. Mike didn't answer, so he left a message, vaguely concerned that they'd miss each other somehow.
Poche was all over the back seat on he way down the hill, whimpering softly. The car, to her, still meant a visit to the vet and not a trip to the beach. Her confusion only increased when Ben parked close to the stairs down to Riviera. She slunk around the sidewalk, unsure of this new and unfamiliar place, sniffing everything in sight (and marking almost as much).
She suddenly burst into barking and yanking against the lead. Mike was running floppily down the steep street to join them. Jesse's grin split his face; Ben took Poche and moved down the stairs. Mike stopped in front of Jesse and grinned. For a long moment neither spoke.
"Hey," Jesse finally managed to whisper.
Mike's grin faded, "Dude, I'm so sorry I couldn't answer, I was doing dishes and shit with my mom an' she was going on about how she wants me to get more involved in church and all this year, like it's gonna change me back or something stupid, and I felt the phone vibrate but I couldn't take the call and I felt like shit cuz I couldn't so I checked the message as soon as -"
"Shut up," Jesse said, and kissed him, right there, in the middle of the cul-de-sac, beneath the garish streetlight. Anyone looking out from any of the houses would see them clearly. Mike's eyes flashed wide for a moment, before his face softened and he moved forward to return the embrace.
If Ben hadn't called out to them, they might have stayed there all night.
When they were through the tunnel and onto the deserted beach, Ben handed Mike the leash. "Mind running Poche a bit? Jes an' I need to talk." Mike eyed Ben warily as he took Poche's lead, but Ben smiled back at him. "Relax, it's all cool, OK?" Mike wandered away, looking over his shoulder. Jesse felt his stomach tighten.
Mike sat on the rocks just to the left of the tunnel outlet. "So," he said quietly, "do I get the feeling that this porn crap wasn't entirely crap?"
Jesse gulped, eyes downcast. All he could do was nod. He felt Ben return the nod, even though he couldn't see it. "I wondered where the money was coming from. To pay the power bill, all the cards." He sighed. Jesse looked up. Ben was staring at the ground. He spread his hands out. "Jes, how - how could you do something like that? What the hell possessed you to -"
Ben, it's not like that. We got, like, trapped. We had to." He was torn between panic and tears. Christ, he thought, all I seem to do any more is fucking cry. "Please just lemme tell you what happened, OK? And - and if you're pissed off after - well, I guess I deserve it."
Ben nodded again. "OK. But you need to tell me everything, right?"
Jesse felt like he was getting entirely too good at telling what had happened. First to Erick, then to Uncle Booth, now to Ben. He was getting too good at it for him to feel entirely comfortable about it. It took him only about 15 minutes, during which time he periodically saw Poche, off his lead, bounding happily around the beach, chasing Mike and whatever object of the moment Mike might find to throw. He could tell that Mike, while keeping a respectful distance, was watching them closely, nervously. His own nerves faded as he got further into the events of the summer; he found he wasn't even feeling very ashamed - until he got to the last shoot, with Kevin and Julian. Then he faltered, the horror of that day returning to him in a flash of revulsion and remembered pain. When he got to the part where he had been fucked, he hesitated, wiping his eyes. Ben's hand, gently in his hair, gave him the fortitude to continue.
"So, anyway, it's over," he finally said. "Uncle Booth went with us this morning, and we like confronted Ernie and took the money out of the accounts and Ernie scrubbed the website. I guess, anyway. Cuz there wasn't anything for Brent to show you. So it's like done, and it'll fade away an' it'll all be all right now, I think." He looked up beseechingly. "D -don't you?"
Ben leaned forward and pulled Jesse into an embrace. "Oh God, Jes," he whispered, his voice thicker than Jesse had ever heard it. "Oh God." Jesse cried then, for a bit, blubbering inarticulate apologies which Ben kept quietly shushing, his hand stroking Jesse's tousled hair.
"Please don' hate me, Ben," Jesse managed to croak out. "I didn't know what else to do, an' then it was like we needed the money, an' I could help, and . . . ."
"And part of you liked it. Didn't you?" Jesse nodded, his face against Ben's T shirt to hide his shame at the admission. He felt a hand on his back, and realized Mike was behind him.
"It's OK," Ben sighed after a long moment. "I - I guess I know how you felt - sort of."
Jesse looked up. "W - what do you mean, you know how it feels?"
Ben shrugged. "I dunno. Probably I don't. It's just - I've been thinking a lot tonight. About Brent and all. And - and I think I got the same sort of thrill out of being with him. Being illicit, y'know?. The scandalous stuff, like. I mean he'd just hit on a guy walking across campus, right by the tower, not an obviously gay guy but like a frat guy or a jock, and Goddam if he wouldn't wind up fucking him within like a day or something. He had this - this air, around him. Of just, sex." He chuckled. "Well, has. Not like I'll get a whiff any more. But it was this rush to be with him, to be in that air, all sexed up all the time. I used to get hard just thinking about being with him and all, the hell with imagining actually having sex with him. I didn't need to get that far to get off." He stood and wandered aimlessly few feet toward the breakers, staring downwards, leaving Jesse perched on the rock. "It was so . . . perverted, I guess. And kinda like porn, in its way," he added, turning back to face Jesse and Mike. "It sort of sucked me in. Every time we did it, it was like this rush, from the idea of being so out there, doing it with him. Well," he added with a wry smile, barely visible in the dark, "of course, there was the sex, too. That was pretty intense."
"It didn't take long to put two and two together after you said you wanted to talk tonight. Not after what Brent said. And not after I saw the look on your face when you came into my room. I, I was freaked at first, of course. But - well, I'm glad you told Uncle Booth. He sort of took me aside while you were cooking the steaks and told me that everything was cool - that helped." Jesse breathed another quiet prayer of thanksgiving for Uncle Booth. "But - but my point is, I can understand the lure. But Christ, Jes, you gotta tell me this stuff. They never had anything on you, they couldn't have posted anything online if you'd just told them to go fuck themselves."
"He - he had like pictures, and video, of us - "
"Which was what?" Ben asked rhetorically. "Kiddie porn, right? Federal offense right off the bat if he tries to sell it."
Mike's hands were flexing nervously. "B-but then we like signed a contract -"
"You're fifteen years old, Mike, you can't sign anything. You gotta get your parents' permission to go on a fucking school field trip. The contract was bullshit. It was the money that they had you on. That, and the lure. The flattery. You know, all those guys out there somewhere perving on your looks and shit. That was a cool thing to think about, wasn't it?"
The boys looked at each other shamefacedly. Had they really been had so easily?
Jesse tried to salvage his pride. "Well, it was kiddie porn regardless, I mean he was gonna post it anyway unless we signed - "
"Maybe, but I kind of doubt it. Especially after you told him you were 15. Until then he could say he didn't know, but that put him on notice. Not that not knowing would really help him anyway, but it'd at least be a line. Look, it's OK," he said soothingly, his hand on Jesse's shoulder. "Just don't even think about shit like this without telling me, OK? No secrets, right?"
Jesse couldn't meet Ben's eyes for a long moment. "I - I couldn't tell you, Ben. We couldn't tell anybody. No one knew about us, even. I didn't really know about us, then. And - and Dad was there, and you were up at school, and - I - I just didn't know what else to do, OK?" He felt almost angry - how could Ben judge his decisions, how could he know what it felt like? Who was he to say they'd fucked up?
"I know, Jes. The guy was a total manipulative bastard for doing that to you. He knew he could reel you in like he did - that's why he like ambushed you that way. He probably did it to other kids before. It's OK, I'm not pissed - well, not at you, anyway. I see that fucker, I'm gonna beat the snot out of him." Mike was shifting his weight back and forth nervously. "D - do you think we should have like busted him? To, y'know, stop him from doing this to other kids?"
Ben shook his head. "That'd mean too much shit for you guys, no. I mean, I'd love to see his sick ass in jail - like the guy in 'Date Rape,' right? But, um, it's not worth what it'd do to you guys. Besides," he shrugged, "my bet is that the money guy - what was his name again, Falcon or something? Anyway, he's gonna be pissed big time. This cost him money. And that's all he really cares about, probably."
Ben stretched, the boys watching silently. He looked out at the sea, toward Seal Rocks, a dark shadow out on the glistening water. He waved absently in its direction. When - when we buried Dad, out there . . . I promised him I'd take care of you. Protect you, and all. It was my job, with him gone." His shoulders sagged a little. "I guess I kind of suck at it, so far."
Now it was Jesse's turn to embrace his brother. "Dude, you don't suck at anything you do, you're the best - I can't imagine having anybody better for a brother. If anybody sucks at stuff, it's me, I've fucked everything up."
Ben returned the hug, his voice thick again. "No, Jes, it's OK. I - I just, like, expect a lot from myself, I guess." He wiped his face against Jesse's hair and their eyes met, a sardonic smile on Ben's face. "We're both good Marines, right? Drilled from day one. I guess we both gotta ease off on ourselves."
Mike started laughing. The brothers looked at home questioningly. "You guys are fucking amazing. You're both such hardasses, but only on yourselves. You both spend your lives beating yourselves up for not being good enough. But shit, good enough for what? What d' you like measure yourselves against? Your dad? Look what that shit did for him. I mean," he added quickly, seeing both brothers stiffen at the invocation of their father, "he was a nice guy - to me, anyway, he always was - and he was stand up and like admirable in a lot of ways. But he had this same 'I got to be perfect in all things' bit going, too, right? And it fucked him up. It fucked up his life. It killed him. Jes, I love you so fucking much, but God you need to lay off yourself some. You can't be perfect, you can't make life perfect. Shit happens, right? Life happens. Things get fucked up. Things are fucked up. You just gotta like roll with it, do the best you can."
Jesse blinked. "You've been feeling shitty about it all, too."
"Course I have," Mike said. "I been watching you try to make the whole world right, and I feel guilty as shit, cuz I can't help. I did this shit because I couldn't let you do it alone, and I knew you would - especially after your dad. But I can't help you sometimes, because it's like futile to even try. You won't let me." He pulled Jesse to him, his voice low and intense. "I will always be here, Jes. I will always try to help you, protect you. Love you. But I'll fail. I won't do it right, sometimes. That's just life, right? You can't judge everything by whether it gets some perfect result. Only by the trying." He kissed Jesse softly. "Don't try to make it all perfect, Jes. You'll fail too. I don't want you to fail, to feel like you failed. You're the best thing I ever had happen to me, so you haven't failed at anything. Not anything that counts."
They kissed again, and Jesse felt a flood of emotion. He had done one thing, one very important thing, entirely right. He had loved Mike, and gotten Mike's love in return. He had Mike. He cried a bit as he kissed Mike, a kiss that wasn't specifically erotic, but charged with meaning. It's a wedding kiss, Jesse thought. It seals us, like forever. His hand was in Mike's thick hair, the aroma of it mingling with the scent of their saliva and light perspiration, they were enveloped in their subtle aromas and the glow of union. When Jesse finally broke the kiss, he saw tears in Mike's eyes, too. "I love you, Jes, You're my babe, like forever. OK?"
"OK," Jesse whispered thickly. He was suddenly conscious that Ben was still present. He glanced over, to see Ben smiling, wistfully now.
"Shit," he said "you guys have got it soooo bad for each other. It's so cool." He took Poche's lead from the rock where Mike had placed it. "Let me run her a while, you guys can hang."
They sat on the rocks, hands intertwined, as Mike ran off with Poche scrambling after him, barking. Their eyes were locked together. Several minute passed.
"So," Jesse said quietly, trying to keep a straight face," you dissed my dad."
"Dude, I didn't mean it like that - "
Jesse burst into laughter. "Mike, I'm just bustin' ya." He fell into Mike's chest, and they embraced clumsily. "I love you. I'll try to be better."
Mike kissed the top of Jesse's head. "You're perfect. You drive me nuts but you're so fucking perfect, dude." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Jes, I know your dad is a tough subject and all. I - I just don't want you being all eaten up inside like - like I guess he was." Another sigh. "Sometimes I wonder if you'll get all knotted up like he did, and - and I can't stand that idea, Jes. You getting so unhappy. You . . . . "
"Killing myself?"
Mike's intake of breath was sharp, even over the sound of the breakers. "Ya," he whispered. "I worry, about that. A lot. I mean lots of kids - especially gay kids -do that, right? And - and you've like been through so much shit, this summer . . . " He pulled back and looked at Jesse. "Dude, I'd so lose it if - don't ever even think about shit like that, OK? "
Jesse's hand pressed Mike's chest. "Dude, I'm not. How could I? I'm not hiding anything like my dad did, all his life. And - and I got you, right? You think I'm gonna let you off easy? You are so fucking stuck with me, Mike. Get used to it."
Their ensuing kiss was filled with laughter, passionate. They grabbed each other's growing hardness. "We can't do this here, dude," Mike breathed shakily after a couple of minutes. "There might be other people like walking around."
"I know," Jesse sighed. They stood up, giggling slightly at the distension of their boardshorts. "Do you realize how fucking horny you get me? I mean, how many times have we gotten each other off the last day or two? Christ, I oughta be like all dried up or something."
"Well, don't drink the sea water, it'll make you sick."
Jesse's punch missed Mike's shoulder, and they stumbled off toward Ben and Poche, running and laughing, their hearts suddenly lighter than the crescent moon starting to light up the water before them, a shimmering path out past Seal Rocks to the horizon. Jesse paused a moment to look, and the path called to something within him. Monday morning he thought. I'll need tomorrow to get ready.
They dropped Mike off at the end of his street, to avoid being seen directly in front of his house. They kissed goodbye, suddenly shy and aware of Ben's presence behind the wheel. As Mike walked up the street, Jesse slid into the front passenger seat, looking wistfully after him. He felt tired suddenly, the weight of the past few days bowing him down. "Jes," Ben's voice brought him out of his zone-out, "it's gonna be OK now."
Jesse took a deep breath. "I know. I really do know, now." There was Erick's fire pit party to look forward to all day tomorrow, and then Monday morning.