Told you I'd post in a week (provided of course I e-mail this segment in time). I'm working on the next chapter, but it'll be a little bit before it's ready. In the meantime, I hope you'll drop me a line. It's been too quiet without people cursing me for one thing or another :)
Thanks, as always, for all of you who put up with me and my meager attempts at writing. You're all great friends and ruthless critics :) Particular thanks to people like Karen, Rache, Ceej, Kiddo, Mike, Jeff, and others, who never fail to keep things interesting. If you're not on the above list, you're either a) not important to me, or b) so important to me I don't need to remind you--you decide :)
Of course, thanks to Big Sexy for helping me keep what little sanity I've ever owned everyday and when times are hard. I appreciate your constant redefinition of the word "friend" by being there, making me laugh till cry, letting me cry till I laugh, and generally, just being you :)
And then, of course, there's someone who I can't describe my love for in mere words. I only need to thank you for being my everything. SHMILY :)
And to Joshua, you're ever in my thoughts....
And YES, it's still that kind of story. The same disclaimer applied then, now, and always :)
"Search and Rescue" by Matt Hunter Chapter 24
I heard a noise outside, and that was all it took to jolt me back to reality. My eyes shot wide open, almost simultaneous with his. We pulled apart rapidly, and "What the hell was I thinking?" was not only screaming through my mind, but it was painted on his face as well. I turned abruptly and walked to the front of the house to investigate the noise.
Looking out the window, I saw exactly what I expected to see--absolutely nothing. My mind was working overtime trying to give me an excuse to get away from him before either one of us did something we'd both regret. It wasn't that the kiss was that bad. Far from it, as a matter of fact. Though there was little in the way of romance; there was just some sense of longing for the both of us. I leaned my head against the door and pounded my fist on the windowpane.
Before I realized it, my hand had gone through the glass. Nate came running around the corner to see what he had heard. I withdrew my hand and just stared at it. Nate was almost paralyzed. I guess it looked worse than I knew it to be. I told him to get the first aid kit from the medicine cabinet in my bathroom. When he did, I pressed my back against the door and slid down to the carpet.
I pinched off a pressure point to slow the bleeding as much as I could until he returned. When he did, I quickly grabbed a pair of tweezers and began to pull the shards out of my hand. I unscrewed a bottle of alcohol with my teeth and poured it over the wounds. Following suit with a tube of antibiotic ointment, I wrapped gauze around my hand until the bleeding slowed to a standstill.
In those few moments, I actually seemed to almost forget what brought me to this point. It all came back to me with fierceness, and I snatched up the box and threw it against the wall, shattering the glass in a picture frame. The picture was one of the guys and me. It was one Joey had given me for Christmas. At least, I think it was Joey. So much had happened since then.
I crawled over to the photo and picked it up. There he was, as real and as deeply ingrained in my heart and mind as he ever was. I stroked my fingertips across the image of his face and fought every urge within me to sob. I steeled myself enough to not only stand, but to push myself onto Nate again. His hands pressed against the small of my back, and I used the motion to start us down the hall into my bedroom.
Several hours later, I sat there, silently staring up at the ceiling. I watched the flickering movements of shadows cast by the moonlight against my window. Even though Josh had been the one to leave, all I could think of was how much I regretted even calling Nate and how guilty I felt. I looked beside me, where Nate lay on his side. He appeared fast asleep, but I realized that he wasn't the one I wanted there when he whispered, almost inaudibly, "I think it's best if I leave first thing in the morning."
I wanted to shake my head, "yes" or "no," to say something--anything--but I couldn't. I couldn't seem to do anything. He got up and pulled on his shirt. He unzipped his pants long enough to tuck the tail in before vanishing into the hall, presumably back to his room. I just shut my eyes as the tears streamed down my face, curled into the fetal position, and let myself fall asleep.
I was awakened by the smell of coffee. Not that that was an unusual occurrence. Ever since college, as soon as the pot was empty, I'd put the grounds, filter, and water in and set the timer for the next day. I'd gone through multiple pots, but it was still the same coffeemaker.
I sat upright, trying to clear my head a bit before standing. I surveyed the mess I made and just shook my head. I went to push myself up with my hand before a stinging, painful reminder refreshed my memory to everything that happened the night before. Walking into the kitchen, I rested one elbow against the cabinets and cradled my head in my other hand, trying to figure out what to do next.
I unwrapped my hand, grimacing as I peeled off the hours-old scab, causing it to bleed some more. I ran it under the tap water in the sink for a few minutes until it slowed to an almost nonexistent oozing. I took a sip from my mug before returned to the next room to pick up the mess. I needed to call someone to repair the glass by the door. Picking up the scattered first aid kit, I did a better job of bandaging my hand.
In no time, I had restored my home to its usual state of disrepair. I warmed my coffee and took the mug out onto the deck with me. I crawled into the swing and just let my mind wander. I ran my fingers through my hair and tried desperately to figure out where things went wrong and what I could do to make them right.
I was so caught up in my own train of thought, that I barely registered Nate moving towards the door, suitcase in hand. I sprang to my feet to intercept him.
"Where are you going?" I asked him.
"Home," he answered succinctly. The cold stoicism was back. This was the Nate that had shown up on my doorstep. In light of everything--in light of everything he and I had been through--I couldn't honestly say that this probably wasn't for the best. I just nodded.
"Do you want me to drive you to the airport?"
"I called a cab," he said, motioning to the yellow car in my driveway. "You and I have both had enough goodbyes to last a lifetime."
I just gave him a half-smile and pulled him into as much of a hug as either of us seemed to be comfortable with. "Take care of yourself," I told him.
He nodded. Before he walked out, he turned back to me. "We're on the outside looking in where their worlds are concerned, Matt. Should JC come back to you, you'll know without a doubt how he feels. You may very well be the one thing that he's missing, just like he is to you. If that day comes, let him back in your heart."
As the door shut behind him, I just muttered, "He never left."
So here I was, alone again. I withdrew into myself once more, mostly out of lack for any better course of action. I shut all the curtains and blinds, turned out the lights, and unplugged the phone. I just sat there in the dark, without the presence of another living soul, or even the sound of a television or radio, for days on end. With the girls at school and Kathy out of town to check on her younger brother, who'd been ill, it was easy to recoil into the solitude of my house.
Scott had been by a few times, but I just let him pound on the door. He then tried to email me, but I dragged it to the trashcan along with my father's latest attempts at futility. It sucked having so much paid time off accrued that they were forcing me to extend my impromptu vacation. All the time I'd been sick had come from my sick leave and short-term disability, so like it or not, it was now going to be weeks before I had something to distract me. I had really hoped to be back to work for more than a few weeks.
A sound came at the door once again, very early one morning, and as usual, I ignored it--I figured a knock would be coming momentarily, then Scott would give up and leave me be. When I heard someone turn the handle, I sprang to my feet. Kathy had left a message on the machine that she wouldn't be home for days at least. I grabbed one of the katana swords from its ceremonial display stand on the mantle. Having two children in the house, I was never comfortable enough with the idea of having a gun around. I quietly withdrew the blade and quickly snapped it around to meet the neck of my intruder, stopping mere millimeters away from the Adam's apple. He froze in place, and when I saw the profile, I just had to laugh. I sheathed the sword and flipped on the light switch.
"Come on in, Nicky," I chuckled.
"After a greeting like that, do I really want to?" he asked with a sigh of relief.
"Sorry," I grinned, "but Kathy's out of town, and I didn't know you were coming. What are you complaining about anyway? I stopped, didn't I?"
"Glad of it, too. I'm even more glad to know that you apparently do like having me as your cousin, because you just had the opportunity to do something about it," he half-smiled as he rubbed his neck. "I came to surprise you."
"It worked," I smiled. "By the way, you can come in now, Jess."
She reluctantly peeked around the doorframe to where Nick and I were standing. "Are you sure it's safe?" she laughed.
"As safe as it's gonna get," Nick chuckled, taking her hand and leading her inside.
"What's really bad, Jess," I began, "is that this isn't the first time this has happened with him. You'd think he would have learned by now."
She playfully slapped his arm. "Oh, let's go surprise him. What a good idea."
"Okay, okay," he laughed, throwing up his hands in defense as though he was trying to protect himself from her. "He's right. I should have known better."
"Andy would have known better," I teased him.
"Oh," Nick smiled, "so now he's your favorite. Come on, Jess."
He grabbed her elbow and turned towards the door. I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him from behind, planting a kiss on his cheek. "You know I love you," I grinned.
"Yeah," he laughed. "The Highlander reenactment was definitely the way to go to make me feel wanted."
"If you don't come in here and sit down, I'm gonna kick your ass."
"I'd like to see you try it," he strutted.
"Me, too," Jessica added.
I dropped to the floor quickly and grabbed him around the waist, picking him up and throwing him over my shoulder. Before he had a chance to react, I had already dropped him on the couch. I stood there proudly as Jessica, smiling, walked over beside me. I hopped onto the couch beside him, "You're bigger than me, yes, but slow as molasses."
He tried to cuff my head, but before he could, I leapt backwards onto the carpet. "Okay," he conceded, "now that you've effectively bruised my ego . . . ."
"Talk to your girlfriend," I smiled. "I'm not touching your ego."
His mouth fell open at that remark, and when he turned to Jessica for whatever reason, she just laughed, "Don't look at me." He immediately went into pout mode, which he knew all too well could let him win any argument with me. I rolled my eyes and walked over to the couch, sitting beside him.
"I'm sorry," I sighed melodramatically. Turning serious, "I am glad you're here. I really need you right now."
"Then I'm glad I came," he said solemnly.
"You always have known just when I needed you most," I told him as I dropped my head against his shoulder.
"Why don't I see about getting us something to drink?" Jessica offered, departing into the kitchen.
He placed one hand on the back of my neck and rubbed my back with the other. He kissed the top of my head and just held me, as he'd had to do so many times through the years. He pulled his legs onto the couch where he could turn to face me better. "Wanna talk about it?"
"What's to say that you, of all people, don't already know?"
"For starters," he began, pointing to the ashtray on the end table, "you can tell me when you started chain-smoking again."
"Not all of those are mine," I sniffed. "Nate was here with me for a few days."
"Okay," he replied questioningly. "Does he have something to do with why you're feeling this way?"
"Only partially," I told him as I turned to look out onto the deck.
He straightened out his legs and grabbed one of the throw pillows. He nudged me onto the pillow so that I was lying in his lap, looking up to face him. "Keep talking," he urged me.
"I just needed someone who could truly understand," I said, and the minute the words came out of my mouth, I regretted it. It hurt him whenever he felt like he couldn't help me. "During the course of all that, I realized that I missed him even more."
He brushed the hair out of my face. "You need a haircut," he laughed, contagiously forcing me to join in.
"Nice, Nicky," I sniffed with a smile.
"Sorry," he smiled wistfully. "I just don't know what to say or do right now."
"You're doing it," I assured him.
Jessica came back in with some canned sodas, and I started to sit up to let her join us on the couch. She placed a hand on my shoulder to push me back down and took a seat on the carpet. "Did you tell him your idea yet?" she asked Nick.
I looked back up at him. "What idea?"
"You're coming with us," he smiled.
"I'm coming with you where?" I asked him, quite obviously lost in this conversation.
"On vacation," he beamed.
"Oh, no," I protested, sitting upright again. "I have had quite enough vacations for a while."
"Are you working right now?" he asked.
"You know damn well I've got to take this PTO or I'll lose it," I reminded him.
"Then it's settled," he grinned.
"No," I emphasized, "it's not. First of all, you do not need my sorry sad-sack ass to tag along and ruin your vacation."
"That's our choice," he cut in.
"I don't want to be around other people right now, or didn't you get that from when you got here?"
"I got it just fine," he replied, "but I'm not asking you, I'm telling you."
"Oh, you are, are you?" I retorted, suddenly on the defensive.
"Don't take that tone with me," he told me, raising his pointing index finger in front of my face. "I know you better than anyone, and you're going into defiant mode."
He did know me better than anyone else. Realizing just who it was I was dealing with here, my anger left me, and I flatly told him, "I'm not going."
He placed his hands at his sides and played his trump card. "I have never asked you for anything in my life. I'm asking you for this. Please come with us. If for no other reason, do it for me."
So here I was, some indiscernible amount of time later, sulking in my seat as our jet landed at the airport. When we left the plane, we walked to the baggage claim area in silence. Besides the usual fanfare of people asking the two of them for autographs and such, it was fairly quiet. As we sat there waiting for the turnstiles to bring our luggage around to us, I cut my eyes at him. "That was dirty pool, and you know it." Those were the first words I'd said to him since we left the house.
"I know," he acknowledged, "but it was the only way to get you to come."
"Yes, it was," I agreed, "but that wasn't fair."
"I know," he said flatly. "Are you mad at me?"
"I wish I could be, but I know you only have my best interests at heart."
He smiled at me and hugged me. "Thanks."
"Thank you," I smiled back. "Okay, now that you've dragged me to the ends of the earth, you wanna tell me what it is we're doing here?"
"First of all," he chuckled, "I don't exactly consider California the ends of the earth."
"It's a long way from Memphis," I reminded him.
He just rolled his eyes at me, and Jessica continued, "We're going to a ski resort. Nick and I actually have to do a little work there, but it's otherwise a vacation time for us as well."
"I don't even know how to ski," I smiled weakly.
"Oh, yeah," Nick laughed, "the great mountainous ranges of Ohio have really turned me into a natural."
"Okay, okay," I yielded. "You win."
"I know," he grinned, kissing me on the cheek.
I pouted and wiped my cheek. "And what if someone sees you doing that?"
"Well, they'd see me doing it right in front of my girlfriend, and with the slightest amount of research, they'll see that you and I are related."
"But I'm from the South, that's not necessarily exclusion criteria," I said flatly, barely containing my grin.
"Shut up," he laughed, mussing my hair.
"So where are we going anyway?"
"Snow Summit, up at Big Bear Lake," he answered.
"Lead on," I told him, throwing my bag over his shoulder, "but you're carrying the bags."
Jessica joined in and handed him hers as well. "Works for me," she smiled.
I was content to let someone else do the driving for a change. Nick had arranged for someone to drive us up there. It was nothing too fancy, just a guy in an SUV, but it was the most relaxing hours I'd spent in weeks. I'd started for the front passenger's seat so that he and Jess could have some privacy, but he balked and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pulling me into the backseat with them. I looked out the window to take in the beautiful scenery, but my emotional exhaustion got the better of me, and I was asleep before we got half an hour from the airport.
When I awoke some time later, Jessica was nuzzled in Nick's arms, and my head was propped against his shoulder. I didn't move immediately; instead, enjoying just being that close to someone who truly loved me unconditionally. He's been a brother, a best friend, and a saving grace to me through the years. I guess he felt me stirring, because he leaned forward just enough to give me a peck on the top of the head.
"You okay?" he asked.
"I don't know," I answered honestly, "but I'll live."
He just smiled and shook his head at that. "You sure?" he asked again. When I nodded affirmatively again, he just used his forearm behind my neck to pull me into a hug.
"What was that for?" I asked him.
"Trying to remind you that I'm your favorite cousin," he smiled.
"You are," I assured him, and for the briefest of moments, I was certain I heard him add, "We'll see." I shrugged it off and sat, staring out the window. It was pretty obvious when we had reached our destination. "What in the world?" I managed.
"All the people?" Jessica asked. I just nodded, speechless.
"We told you we had some work to do," Nick began. "MTV is doing a thing called `Snowed In,' and we came to perform our duet."
"Nicky," I shook my head, "I really don't know if I'm to being around this many people."
He pushed me out the car door into the snow, following rapidly behind me. "You'll be fine. You need to get out and mingle a little bit before you turn into a hermit, Mr. Hughes."
Giving him an exasperated sigh, I rolled my eyes away from him, then back again. "Damn you," I smiled at him.
"You know I'm right, don't you?" he grinned knowingly.
"Yeah," I laughed. "I suppose so."
"Besides," he added, "have I ever steered you wrong?"
"Not so far," I admitted.
It took us forever to wade our way into the ski lodge. It seemed that there was a disproportionate amount of teenagers of the female persuasion. I chuckled silently to myself as we made our way through the lobby while perplexed faces struggled vainly to figure out if I was anyone they should know. A malicious grin spread across my face, and Nick raised a questioning eyebrow. I leaned over to whisper in Jessica's ear while the elevator made its way to us. When the doors opened, she leaned over and kissed me lightly on the lips. I, in turn, grabbed Nick by the butt and pushed him in, with us close behind. The minute the doors closed behind us, we all broke out in laughter.
"That was mean," he laughed.
"And your point would be?" I smiled.
Jessica barely managed to stifle her giggling. "That ought to give them something to talk about."
"I can see the headlines now," I grinned.
"And I can see Mom rolling her eyes," Nick chided. "Speaking of which, Jess, you might want to brace your parents, just in case."
She just shook her head. "No need. The last time we came to Memphis, I told them about Matt."
"All bad, I hope," Nick told us.
Being the good cousin I am (I'm fairly certain that's synonymous with "asshole" in some circles), I reached over and tweaked his nipple just as our floor appeared. I was able to dash down the hall to my room before he overcame his surprise.
Safe from any retaliation at the moment, I slipped the magnetic key into my pocket as I admired the room. Elaborate furnishings and a marble fireplace were just the beginning. Besides a fully stocked wet bar, which would likely be going to waste, there was a sunken Roman bath and a Jacuzzi. I could definitely get used to amenities like this.
I stepped through French doors onto a foyer decorated with freshly cut flowers and assorted pieces of art. Finally reaching my private patio, I took a seat on a wooden bench, propping my feet up on the edge of some sort of wood-burning stove. I drew a sharp breath, inhaling the crisp mountain air. I stared wistfully at the white-powdered landscape, finally beginning to clear my mind.
Sitting there, silent and motionless, I watched as a long line of predominately female fans waited to buy tickets, as near as I could tell. I soon realized that it was some kind of CD they held instead. Exuberant faces and ecstatic jumping around was all I could see in the distance. I smiled to myself and yawning. Glancing down at my watch, I couldn't believe how early it still was. Besides gaining two hours in flight by changing time zones, I suddenly realized just how early the events of the morning had taken place.
I was pulled from my reverie by the ringing phone. Nick was telling me they were heading downstairs for a late lunch, so I decided to join them after grabbing a quick shower. I still wasn't in all that sociable a mood, but luckily, the dining room was actually closed. They had just kept it open for the performers so they could grab a bite to eat between sessions.
When I got there, I saw them talking to one of the MTV personalities whose name, at that moment, completely escaped me. The commotion outside continued to grow louder and louder, and we soon found ourselves having to yell just to hear one another, though we were the only ones in the room. Efforts at idle chitchat were wasted, so I sat there eating a sandwich until I heard a familiar tune playing outside.
My blood ran cold, and I stopped in mid-bite. It couldn't be, but the deer in headlights look plastered on Nick's face told me otherwise. He never had been able to conceal his guilt well, especially from me. When I heard the beginning to "Bye, Bye, Bye," I was consumed by such a myriad of emotions, and yet I just sat there while JC's words washed over me. Even now, his voice had such an undeniable effect over me.
Finally, I gritted my teeth as anger rose to my cheeks and threatened to overwhelm me. As the tune played on in the background, I blocked the melody out as I stared at their faces defiantly. Nick's facial expression alternated between humble apology and resolute conviction. He definitely believed in what he was doing, but the sternness of my gaze stole his thunder every time our eyes met. That was more than Jessica was able to manage. Any doubts as to her involvement in this little plot were allayed by her inability to even look at me.
I wanted so much to say something--do something--but I found myself completely incapable of anything. I honestly didn't know how I felt about what they'd done, and I certainly didn't know how I felt about the prospect of seeing JC again. One thing was certain, and that was that it would be on my terms. I adamantly decided that then and there. When I heard the song close, it didn't take a genius to figure out what would soon be happening. I calmly put the sandwich down, wiped my mouth, and stood away from the table without excusing myself.
Nick quickly moved to intercept my escape route to the elevator. "Matt, say something--anything."
"Right now, Nicky, that wouldn't be a good idea, because I don't want to say or do anything that's gonna hurt you."
"It would be better than this silent treatment."
"If you knew how furious I am at you right now, I think you'd reconsider. Now get out of my way."
"I can't do that, Matt. This is one time I can't and won't let you shut everyone out."
"I don't appreciate ultimatums, and I sure as hell don't appreciate being duped into coming here," I glared at him.
Nick's shoulders just fell with a sigh. "I know, and I'm sorry, but you need to talk to him."
"Hello? Don't you think I know that?" I demanded. "Don't you think I want to? He's the one who's made it abundantly clear that he wants nothing more to do with me."
"Nick, if anybody but you had pulled this shit, I'd be stepping over their unconscious ass right now."
Following suit, Nick rallied defiantly, "And if anybody but you was being this bullheaded, I would have probably beaten them unconscious trying to knock some sense into them. You need to talk to him, and he needs to talk to you. Both of you running away from this isn't going to solve anything."
"He's right, you know," I heard from behind me. I turned to find Curly staring at me.
"Your coconspirator?" I asked without fully turning to Nick.
"Yes, I am," Justin replied softly. "We're sorry for the false pretenses, but we're not sorry we did it."
"I thought you were my friend, Justin," I glared accusingly at him.
"I am, and I'm JC's friend, too. I'm being more of a friend than you know, and it's time you two had this out."
"Tell the guy who walked out on me to go to Hell," I gritted calmly.
"There's more going on than you know," he protested.
"Are you insane?" I demanded. "You can go to Hell, too." I spun on my heels, shit in one eye and blood in the other. "You can all go to Hell and leave me alone!"
"Matt, you don't mean that," Nick cut in.
"Fuck off, Nick!" I screamed at him. "You want a pet project? Get a dog. We're through here." Gaining newfound strength in my grim determination, I pushed my way past Nick towards the elevator as I heard familiar voices enter the room.
"What are we doing in here? We've got a show to perform, Joe. You can eat later."
The very sound of his words almost crippled me, but I steeled myself and continued forward. At least until I was halted by a hand on my shoulder. I spun to find a raging Nick, and just barely in time to register the fist that soon connected with my jaw.
On my way down, I toppled a table. Linens and place settings went flying just before my head slammed against the floor. Dazed, it took a second to acclimate myself to my new position on the floor. I could see Nick massaging his knuckles and refusing to look at me. From across the room, JC darted to my side.
"What in the hell is wrong with you people?" he demanded of my cousin and his best friend. "Matt, are you okay?"
I was honestly too stunned to fully assess the situation. "Yeah, I guess so . . . ," I began. Finally, I gathered my wits and bit my lower lip. "What difference could it possibly make to you?"
"Well, I don't want you dead, for starters," he spat.
The sudden realization of who was beside me and what he had said slammed into me. "You could have fooled me," I shot back venomously. "Considering that you walked out on me and haven't had anything to do with me since, I can't tell that you care whether or not I live and die at all."
"That's not fair," he hurled.
"You want to talk about FAIR?" I demanded. "You basically tell me I was one huge fucking mistake and you have the audacity to even say that word in my presence? You have some nerve, I'll grant you that."
"Don't you DARE get all self-righteous and condescending with me! I had my reasons."
"And I guess you didn't feel the need to share with the rest of us?" I asked sarcastically.
"No, I didn't," he answered defiantly, "because my reasons are just that--MINE."
"How wonderfully fucking convenient for you," I glared at him. "I hope you and your reasons are very happy together."
I could see the outrage building in him. Honestly, this was more confrontational than I ever remembered seeing him. "It must be wonderful to have all the answers," he hurled. "The rest of us mere mortals have to struggle to get by and do the best we can with our less than perfect existences. I'm sorry that I didn't fit some ideal for you, and I sincerely hope that you'll find that guy who'll conform to your every expectation."
There was something strange in that last outburst. I could tell he was fighting to hold something back and that his outbursts were purely defensive, so I changed tactics. My face softened, and most of my anger faded away.
"The only thing perfect I've ever had in my life was my time with you," I said quietly, not even daring to look up and see all the faces around me. "I don't want someone that meets some kind of ideal. I want you." Steeling myself, I met his gaze. "I'm still in love with you, and God help me, I'll never stop."
He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. He clinched his eyes and his jaw tightly, turning his head to the side to avert his eyes.
My anger and my hurt braced me to weather any assault, but none came. He said nothing, so I pressed forward, both in the conversation and physically.
He almost fell over a chair getting away from me as I moved towards him. "I still love you, Josh, and I thought you loved me. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you." His head shot up, fresh tears welling in his eyes and his look of surprise very evident. Before he could open his mouth, I pressed on again. "I just wish I knew what I did that sent you away. What did I do that was so horrible that you could hurt me so?"
The tears rolled down his face, and with his head turned to the floor, they just dripped off of his nose and chin onto the carpet. "You loved me," he whispered.
"What?" I asked. I was certain I was prepared for any answer, but I was not prepared for that one.
"I can't do this," he wailed, trying to storm back out of the lodge. His path, however, was completely cut off by the rest of the guys. "Let me go," he cried. I wasn't sure if he meant me or them.
"Let him go, Justin," I instructed calmly. "You wanted us to talk, and we did. He's made it clear that he doesn't love me, so I think our talk is finished."
Justin forced JC to look at him. "Tell him," he told him in that kind of understanding voice that only a best friend could offer.
"What are you talking about?" JC asked him, clearly confused by whatever knowledge his friend possessed.
"Tell him what?" I demanded. Emotionally exhausted, I had no more patience for these games. Somebody knew something, and I was determined to know it now.
Justin pulled out a business-sized envelope from underneath his sweatshirt.
"I'm talking about this."
JC immediately lunged for it, but Joey caught him from behind and held him fast. "You had no right!"
"I had about as much right going through your things as you did leaving Matt without telling him the real reason why."
JC's eyes flared with renewed hatred. "Justin, if you don't give me that right now and forget whatever it is that you think you know, you and I are finished."
Justin actually smiled sympathetically. "And if you and Matt don't work this out, the JC I know is already gone to me. Ever since you ended it, you're not even the same person. You're miserable, and every one of us knows it."
JC looked up to find Chris and Lance nodding, and he could, no doubt, feel Joey making a similar motion. JC struggled vainly to escape Joey's grasp as Justin walked past him to hand me the letter. I recognized it as the one I'd seen in the dressing room all those months before. It was a simple envelope, addressed to him, conspicuously missing a return address.
I pulled a large bundle of papers from inside and began to read. The moment I did, my legs failed me, and I had to sit. I glanced over to see JC's body refusing him in almost the same way. Joey had to help him to a chair as well.
Even speed-reading as fast as I do, I realized that I must have been reading in silence for several minutes as I now found myself well over halfway through the voluminous document. Having read more than enough to have a full assessment of the situation. I tossed the papers onto the table and walked silently over to JC. I tried to force him to look at me, but he resisted. We continued like this for several seconds, with him constantly turning his head and me following, trying to put my face in his. When I finally succeeded, I pushed my mouth onto his and kissed him for all I was worth. Though he initially fought it, his resolve collapsed, and I soon felt hands on my back and shoulder pulling me closer to him. I could hear Nick, Jessica, and the guys in the background muttering comments to one another.
"It's about fucking time," Chris cheered.
Laughing, I finally tore myself away from him long enough to stare into those hypnotic eyes. I reached up and wiped a tear from my cheek. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I couldn't do that to you," he replied, his own tears streaming.
I leaned forward, gently kissing him again before pulling away when Nick asked, "What was it?"
"Didn't Justin tell you?" I asked curiously.
Justin shook his head. "Nope. I just told him I had a plan to get you two back together. I didn't tell anybody, because I was hoping JC would tell you himself." He grinned, "I obviously underestimated the stubborn streaks in this room."
Chris shouted in an exasperated tone, "Will somebody tell us what's going on?"
"Gail," I muttered, my bliss replaced by a hatred that threatened to consume me.
"Who's Gail?" Lance asked.
"My sister-in-law," I told him succinctly. "The history between us is long and complicated, and I'll tell it to you later."
Nick placed a hand on my shoulder, "What did she do?"
"Those papers," I began, motioning to the table, "are a petition for custody of the girls on the grounds that I'm an unfit parent."
"Bullshit!" Nick yelled.
"The basis for that claim is because of my `inappropriate' lifestyle," I explained.
"That's ridiculous," Joey commented, his face contorted in disbelief.
"We all know that," JC started, "but Matt lives in the buckle of the Bible Belt. People have lost her children for less."
"So you broke up with Matt because you didn't want to be the reason he lost his kids?" Jessica asked him. JC just nodded weakly in reply.
"I'm missing something," Joey commented suddenly. "If she wanted custody of the girls, why did JC get the petition and not you?"
I almost smiled. "That's the easiest question of all to answer. She doesn't give a damn about having custody of the girls. She wants to make me miserable."
"Okay...?" Chris interrupted.
"She somehow found about JC and Matt," Nick began, piecing it all together.
"She knew that if JC stayed with Matt, she could take Matt to court. She was banking on exactly what did happen, though. She sent the papers to JC in hopes that he loved Matt enough to leave him for the girls' sakes."
"So Matt would be miserable anyway," Jessica finished, figuring it out anyway.
"Either way, she wins," Joey summed it all up. I just nodded.
"Guys, as much as I hate to bring this up right now," Lance meekly interjected, "we're in the middle of a show for MTV, and we've been gone for a while. The contest stuff can only stall them for so long. They've got to be sweating now."
"He's right," I smiled. "You guys get out there and perform."
"Are you coming?" JC asked hopefully.
"You better believe it," I grinned.
As we all left the lodge and started for the stage, JC turned to me, concern evident on his face. "What do we do about Gail?"
"You leave her to me," I told him confidently.
Nick, Jess, and I were off to the side of the stage when the guys got ready to sing. They mentioned something to Carson about changing the song they were performing. When the melody came over the speakers, I melted. It was a ballad Richard Marx had written for them, and JC knew how much I loved it.
"When the visions around you," Justin began, "bring tears to your eyes, and all that surround you are secrets and lies, I'll be your strength, I'll give you hope, keeping your faith when it's gone. The one you should call was standing here all along."
"And I will take you in my arms and hold you right where you belong till the day my life is through. This I promise you," the guys sang in chorus, repeating "This I promise you."
Then my boy began, his voice as striking to me as always. He smiled as he looked at me, "I've loved you forever, in lifetimes before, and I promise you never will you hurt anymore. I give you my word. I give you my heart. This is a battle we've won, and with this vow, forever has now begun."
"Just close your eyes each loving day. I know this feeling won't go away till the day my life is through. This I promise you." Even I found myself quietly adding the refrain's second "This I promise you," as its words suddenly had new meaning for me.
JC looked at me for just a millisecond, giving me a knowing smile before continuing with lyrics I'd never heard them sing. "Over and over I fall when I hear you call. Without you in my life, baby, I just wouldn't be living at all."