Search and Rescue

This is part fifteen of my continuing story.

Well, believe it or not, I've finally managed to get another installment out, due in no small part to the efforts of DLS. I'm not sure if there was any motivation other than self-preservation, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. We were a little bit quicker with these chapters (no major holidays to interrupt us), so the death threats have been minimal.

I want to start by saying that it's Boy Band Awards time again. I'm not nominated, so when I tell you to go vote, you know it's not because I'm trying to make brownie points. I think it's a wonderful idea, and it gives those of us who take the time to write a little insight into those of you who take the time to read. Your feedback is what carries us, pushing us to try just a little bit harder each time to give you something new and fresh, or at the very least, entertaining, to read. As the old saying goes, vote early, and vote often (just kidding, but you can vote twice--that's kind of lost on me, but that's okay, too :) The voting has begun, and you can cast your own opinions into the mix at http://209.222.79.223/boybandawards/voting.

Everyone is so great and so supportive, it's hard to thank everyone I want to. The ol' memory ain't what it used to be, but I'll give it a go. A big shout out to the ladies: first and foremost is the ever sweet Lauren, who's just the greatest, the inspiring Yuli, the multitalented Rachel, newer gals Crunkoid, Cassie, Catie, the day-brightening Beckie, and Meri (again, if you're an *N SYNC fan, I think you'll enjoy her website at http://www.crosswinds.net/~meri/nsync.html). Then, there are the fantastic writers who are so far out of my league but never fail to encourage: DCKev, Clive, Firesong, EG, Tonny, and Scotty, just to name a few, not to mention Matt VP, Tom, Jason, Jeremy, Matty, Drew, Denny, Chas, and, of course, Nate.

There are a few stories I highly recommend that you check out, because I'm a tough critic. If I like it, it's probably worth reading. Besides the obvious choices written by the aforementioned authors, there's a great story by an up-and-coming guy by the name of Seth. He writes "Common People," and it's in it's early chapters, so jump on the bandwagon and see why I'm so impressed. Another one that's on my list to read without fail is Michael's "Studio in the Country." A lot of people have mentioned it to me as one of the best stories out there, and I couldn't agree more. Then there's Billy. What can I say about Billy? He puts out story after story, all of which I'm hooked on. One of his most recent is "Love Thru Chat." It and the sweet "Red Rose on a Snow Day" have me spellbound.

Anybody that's read any of my work to date is completely unsurprised by the last story I recommend. I guess that stands to reason, since it's the one that's currently crossing over with my own. DLS is one of the most incredible writers I've ever met, and though I'd never tell him, he's witty, charming, and an outstanding guy. He's never failed to be whatever I've needed--inspiration, critic, supporter, or best friend. Obviously, I've become a little biased, so why don't you check out his "Brian and Me" and see what you think for yourself. Now if I can just get him to renounce his citizenship for the old red, white, and blue, he'd be perfect :)

One last thing, the yada-yada-yadas. This is a story that might contain explicit scenes describing sex between two male characters (we can only hope). It might scar you for life if you're too young, or it might land you in slammer--which could be a bad thing. Finally, this entire story is a work of fiction. This story does not necessarily reflect any of the sexual preferences, views, or anything else of the members of *N SYNC or the Backstreet Boys (again, we can only hope). Even if they are terminally straight, they're both very cute and very talented, and someone who truly does enjoy *N SYNC's music, I'd be remiss if I didn't plug their album "No Strings Attached," due in stores March 21.

And away we go . . .

I groggily opened my eyes when the first rays of the sun streamed in through the mini-blinds. I lifted my head from the damp spot formed from my drool and smacked my lips sourly, trying to discern what had crawled into my mouth and died during the night.

I straightened the arm twisted uncomfortably behind me and felt around for Josh. Surprisingly, he was nowhere to be found. I stood up, almost tumbling when my foot not-so-subtly informed me that it was not yet awake. Hobbling to the dresser, I withdrew a pair of boxers and slid them on.

When I got to the kitchen, I saw Josh, standing there in his pajama bottoms, slicing strawberries over the sink. Kevin was equally topless at the table, nursing a cup of coffee.

"Good morning, sexy," I smiled.

"Good morning, yourself," he returned.

"Who said I was talking to you?" I teased, leaning over to kiss Kevin on the cheek. When I did, Kevin spit his coffee everywhere, not so much because I had kissed him but because he hadn't heard me come in.

"Do you really want to trade me in on a guy with a drinking problem?" JC laughed.

"Nah," I smiled, straddling against him and kissing his neck. "There are certain things you do that he never could."

"For which Kathy, Carrie, my therapist, and I thank you," Kevin chirped in with a knowing smile.

I almost chuckled. Instead, I ignored Kev entirely. "And why are we up so early?" I wondered aloud in Josh's ear.

He turned around and pushed a strawberry into my mouth. His fingers followed it in and streaked across my tongue. Dropping the knife to his side, he wrapped his free arm around my waist. He nuzzled against my neck and kissed my cheek before returning to the sink.

I looked to Kevin for a clue, but he just shook his head. "Don't look at me. He was already in full swing when I came in here to start breakfast."

I cocked my head to side in wonder but sat down nonetheless and swiped Kevin's cup. I took a drink, earning me a dirty look. "What is it with you and Nate? Can't you fix your own drinks?"

I just shook my head, and he sighed before going for the pot. He fixed another cup and set it before me, taking back his own. "Thanks, Boo," I offered.

"Get your own cream and sugar," he smirked.

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek again.

"Yuck," he pouted, feigning disgust as he wiped his cheek with his hand. "What was that for?"

"You said to get my own sugar," I smiled, and he couldn't help but laugh.

"You better talk to JC about the cream," he grinned, trying to maintain a straight face.

"Kevin Scott Richardson," I almost shouted, slugging him in the arm, earning an "Ow!" Turning to Josh, "Is anyone else up?"

"Nate was up earlier, and Kathy already headed into the office. I haven't seen Brian at all yet," he answered, taking the chair beside me and offering a bagel and cream cheese.

"Not to sound like a spoilsport, but don't you guys have to be at the radio station pretty soon?" I asked.

"Yeah," Kevin answered without putting down his coffee or pulling his head out of the newspaper.

I waited for some glimmer of recognition, but seeing that it wasn't going to be forthcoming, I elaborated. "Does Brian know that he needs to get up?"

"Shit!" Kevin shouted in realization, spilling coffee onto his bare chest and almost scalding himself.

I grabbed the hand towel from the refrigerator handle and ran it under some cold water. I held it to Kevin's chest and took the cup from him. He had startled himself to the point that he was just staring down at his chest with a dripping cup of coffee in his hand. The damp cloth must have snapped him out of it, because he took the cloth from his hands and looked up at me with a smile.

"Thanks," he said. I just smiled at him and started wiping the coffee from the floor.

"Isn't he great?" JC smiled, unmoving. I just rolled my eyes and threw the towel at him, but Kevin answered him.

"Yeah, he is," Kevin smiled, giving me a quick peck on the cheek, almost surprising me enough to drop what was left in the coffee.

I finally managed to regain my trademark composure and smiled evilly. "Okay, guys, we can have the three-way later, but right now, you have a radio show to do."

"Has anyone ever told you that you know how to ruin a moment?" Kevin smiled.

"Yes, they have," JC answered for me.

"Why don't I go wake up Brian so you two can get cleaned up?" I offered.

"Okay, but who will you be joining in the shower afterwards?" JC teased, rushing the blood to Kevin's face. I rolled the towel and snapped it against Josh's ass and told him to get going. Kevin watched on in amusement before heading down the hall himself.

I smiled and shook my head before heading to Brian and Nate's room. I knocked on the door lightly. "Guys?" There was no answer, so I repeated the motion. "Guys?" I asked a little louder.

"What's wrong?" The voice came from behind me, and it startled me because it was Kevin. I distinctly heard two showers running, so I wasn't prepared to see him staring at me.

"You scared the shit out of me," I laughed, lightly slapping his stomach with the back of my hand. "I thought you were in the shower."

"Nope," he said simply. "Nate's in one now, and I told JC to go ahead."

"What about Brian?" I asked, as I heard one of the showers end, obviously Nate's, since JC had been in there mere moments.

"Still asleep," he answered.

"Not to sound rude or anything, but we need to get Nate out of the shower and Brian in it, since the radio show wants to hear you guys, not us," I explained, starting to get a little nervous about the time.

"Nate's already out of the shower," Nate announced, coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and his hair dripping. "I heard you guys talking. I take it I need to get Pookie up," he smiled.

"I've got an idea," I smiled cunningly, my inner Kathy about to manifest. "Kev, go ahead. Nate and I will handle this."

Kevin just nodded and went into the bathroom. I looked at Nate, whose eyebrow was cocked, but he waited patiently for an explanation as we walked into the bedroom. Brian was lying face down with the blankets around his ankles. I grinned at Nate, "Remember that bit with Kathy?"

The light bulb went off immediately, and he went for the camera. I crawled into bed next to Brian. Rubbing my hand up and down his back, I nuzzled my nose under his ear, trying my best not to laugh. I was sure that Nate wasn't having as much luck, because I was hearing his chuckles over the snapping of the pictures. "Pookie?" I whispered, almost losing it. He turned over, still mostly asleep, resting the back of his hand on my shoulder, but managing a "Hmm?"

I brought my face inches from his, and looked over to Nate to see if I was getting a little bit too friendly. Nate, however, not trusting his voice, just nodded vehemently, so I whispered again, "Good morning, pookie." He leaned over and kissed me fully on the mouth, which caught me completely unaware. He brought his hand down to my bare chest, but I guess the hair gave it away, because his eyes shot open wide with surprise. The look was a thousand times better than the one that had been captured with Kathy, and I was positive that Nate was capturing every minute of it. Unfortunately, I wouldn't know until later because Nate was laughing so hard he was crying.

Brian jerked away from me, at which point I was rolling hysterically. Nate managed to swallow enough air to pour salt onto the wound. "I get up to take a shower, and you're in bed with the first strange guy you meet?"

I tried to pretend I was hurt by being "strange," but Brian was cutting us both looks that could have given the most combat-seasoned veteran pause. "No," he said coldly, trying to keep from laughing himself, "you were the first strange guy I ever shared a bed with."

Nate acted like he was offended, but he just couldn't stop laughing. I looked at him and told him, "I definitely want copies of those."

"Absolutely," he smiled. "As soon as I make copies for Andy, Erron, and the other Backstreet Boys."

Brian looked over at me sarcastically and pushed me from the bed. "I'm glad to provide you both with your early morning entertainment."

I just smiled. "Actually, what's gonna be even more entertaining is when I tell you that you, Kevin, and JC have a radio show to do in thirty minutes, and the studio's about twenty minutes from here."

His mouth was agape as he looked at Nate. "That's what I heard him and Kevin talking about," Nate confirmed.

Brian accidentally stepped on my chest as he sprung from the bed on his way to the shower. Kevin had walked in with his towel wrapped around his waist, still dripping wet himself, but wanting to vacate the shower for Brian. He offered me his hand and helped me to my feet.

Nate was still laughing. "What?" I asked him.

"I was just going to tell Kevin that he shouldn't have bothered putting any clothes on, since we've both seen him naked."

Kevin was stunned speechless . . . almost. "You have not!" he shouted, but when he looked at me, his memory no longer failed him. His face blazed scarlet, and he quickly averted his eyes. I turned him around and started walking him towards the door. "That was mean," I smiled at Nate.

"No more than finding you in bed with my boyfriend," he grinned back at me.

Kevin stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me in utter shock. "Don't ask," I laughed, "just go get dressed."

He deliberated for a moment, but he finally went for the door. I reached out and swatted him on the butt, and he tensed up again. It was pretty funny--I had never realized that when someone blushed, it wasn't just in their face. I smiled at Nate and told him I'd get out so he could get dressed.

I walked into my bedroom to find Josh already clothed. "Aww," I pouted, "you took away all my fun."

He walked over to me with a smile and took me in his arms. He kissed me lightly on the nose and grinned, "I'll let you undress me later."

My face beamed as I nuzzled his neck. "Promises, promises."

"So what are you gonna do to keep yourself amused while we play twenty questions?"

"Actually," I began somberly, "I have a doctor's appointment."

He pulled away from me with a hurt expression on his face. "Why didn't you tell me? Kevin and Brian will be fine without me."

"For that very reason," I smiled. "I don't want to be a bother unless I have to."

"Baby," he cooed, his eyes glistening, "you are never a bother."

I smiled and kissed him fully before tearing myself away from him. "You're incredible, do you know that?"

He just laughed. "And you're only wearing boxer shorts, so unless you want to drive us that way, I suggest you put on some clothes--for everyone else's sake, not mine."

I smiled and pecked his cheek before pulling a pair of pants out of the closet. Something brushed my neck, and I almost jumped until I felt Josh's hands against my skin. I looked down to see the necklace that was omnipresent around his throat. I stared at the astrological sign and realized, in that moment, just how important I was too him. When he told me that was so he could always be with me, I was on the verge of tears. He must have sensed that the moment was getting to be a bit much for me because I could hear him laughing.

I spun around to face him as he reached for the laundry basket he must have placed upon the bed. "I did the laundry this morning," he smiled. "Lucky for you, I'm a better housekeeper than I am a cook." He bit his lower lip and handed me a shirt which I recognized as Kevin's. His will was faltering when he chuckled, "That's so you can have your other boyfriend with you, too."

I reached over and tugged him by the earlobe. "Smartass," I smirked.

"One of my best features," he shot back.

"No argument there," I laughed, finishing buttoning the shirt.

Kevin was already in the den waiting for us. Damn, that boy could shower quick. He glanced at the shirt for a second and smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and laughed, "Don't look at me. JC made me wear it."

Kevin just grinned, realizing there was something he wasn't privy to, but letting it pass nonetheless. Nate walked out of the kitchen with another cup of coffee, so we all sat down while we waited for Brian. Kevin and Nate talked while I rested my eyes. I had leaned back against JC's stomach, and he had run his arm down my shirt, stroking the hairs on my chest and almost putting me to sleep.

"Wake up, sweetie," I heard whispered in my ear.

I smiled, "I'm not that asleep, Brian." I opened my eyes and looked at his smiling face. "Everyone ready?"

An assortment of nodded heads gave me the best answer I was going to get, so I led the guys out to the car after making sure that Nate had a key to the house. I drove even faster than usual to make sure that the guys got there on time, and I could see Brian digging his nails into Kevin's arms.

"I haven't killed anyone yet, Brian," I smiled into the rearview mirror.

"Well, I'm too young to become your first statistic," he said with a sincerely worried look on his face. I just shook my head and let off the accelerator, at which point Kevin jerked his arm away from Brian. "Thank you," Kevin laughed at me. "I didn't want to have it amputated just yet."

The inane remarks continued, mostly between Brian and Kev. JC, on the other hand, just kept smiling at me and squeezing my knee. I could see that scared look on his face, and I was beginning to share it.

When we got to the station, I went in with the guys, though I didn't really know why, since all of the Djs were familiar with them, most of them having met them previously. JC introduced me to the crew of the morning show as a good friend who was letting them stay with me. That was about as specific as he dared, and that explanation was labored, because Kevin had to help him complete his sentences. I smiled to myself, thinking that Kevin probably had to do that a lot for Brian and Nate.

We were left alone in a makeshift green room while we waited for the guys to be introduced, so Josh kissed me goodbye, eliciting a questioning look from Kevin and Brian. I explained that I had a doctor's appointment, and they nodded in understanding, though their concern was evident. They both asked if I wanted them to go with me, but I told them no, citing the same arguments I had given Josh.

When the guys finally did go on, I headed for the car. I started the engine and just sat there for a few moments, lost in thought. I composed myself and went to the oncologist's office. Dr. Robert North had come highly recommended by my pediatric oncologist. It also helped that he had been finishing up his fellowship when I was in nursing school, so I knew him personally.

When I got to the office, I went to the desk and picked up the paperwork I needed to fill out. I went through the usual demographics until I got to a point where it asked for two emergency contacts. I filled in Kathy's information immediately, but I drew a blank when I came to the second. The girls were obviously too young, so my first instinct was to put Josh, but I didn't know his phone number. I kind of smiled at that and made a mental note to rectify that when we got home. I then thought about Scott, but I really didn't want to put him in a position to have to make those kind of decisions for a coworker, no matter how close we had become, especially with the added tension of my current suspension. This was starting to bother me.

Finally, I decided on Kevin, since I remembered what appeared on the telephone's display when I had called him that time--thank God for a photographic memory. I figured, if nothing else, he could get in touch with JC through their management.

I muddled through the past medical and family histories, so I took the forms back to the receptionist's desk. I handed her my insurance card and copay with everything. She handed my card back to me after she made a copy and told me to have a seat--there was one person in front of me, and Dr. North was running late because he was attending a funeral. She said she hoped I understood. I assured her that I did.

I sat in the ornate waiting room, silently watching the minutes on the clock tick by. A rather morbid thought occurred to me as I wondered how many sweeps of that second hand I would see. I had slipped back into that phase of thinking how unfair life was. I finally found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, I didn't know exactly how long that would be. I knew how unfair to Josh it would be if I didn't make it. He had so recently lost Craig that I was scared he might never be able to open his heart to anyone again. The tears rolled down my cheek when I saw my girls' faces. They were my angels, and they deserved all the good things in life. Call me crazy, but I didn't think losing both parents before they were teenagers qualified.

The more I pondered this, the more uncomfortable I became. I was starting to drench my clothes in perspiration, and it felt like the walls were closing in on me. When I couldn't take it anymore, I left. I started to head back to the radio station, but I quickly realized that I hadn't left the guys all that long ago--they would barely have started the interview. Besides, I didn't want Josh to see me like this. I debated just driving around until that time, but I was a bundle of nerves. I was reduced to hysterics, and I didn't know why. I mean I did, but I didn't know what specifically--why at this moment, etc. Before I realized it, I had made it home. In my present state, I was lucky I hadn't killed anyone. A slight smile crept across my face when I remembered Brian's comment about becoming a statistic. That little moment of clarity was strong enough to suppress the overwhelming dread I felt. I was shaking so badly that I couldn't even open the door.

I was startled back to reality when I heard a knocking sound. I finally identified it as Nate, who was beating on my car door, trying to figure out what was wrong. My fingers betrayed me, rendering me unable to even unlock the door. I looked up from the door handle to find Nate gone from the window, only to learn he had noticed JC's door was unlocked. He reached across my lap to pop open the driver's side and climbed out. He reached in and literally had to pull me out of the vehicle. My knees held no more loyalty than my fingers, and I would have stumbled to the ground, had Nate not caught me against his hip. I could tell he was terrified, not knowing what was going on, but to his credit, he hid it well. He brought my arm around his neck and onto his shoulder and braced me against him by grabbing my waist. After a labored ordeal, he managed to get me into the house.

He kept trying to talk to me, to ask me what was wrong, but I either couldn't hear him or couldn't answer. I was suddenly eighteen years old again, and I was scared to death. Here I was a young father and widower fighting for his life once more. I remembered the pain that I felt--"cancer pain" they had called it. There was nothing before or since that had ever come close. The PCA pump in the hospital only made the times in between my scheduled meds more tolerable. It was a hurt that, literally, went to the bones. It felt like each step would shatter you legs and every breath would cause your heart and lungs to burst from your chest.

I remembered the roiling sensations in my stomach, when even gelatin seemed like the most noxious substance known to man. The vomiting--oh, my God, the vomiting--I would heave until the lining of my gastrointestinal tract would slough off from all of the acid. When it did, this truly revolting smell came with the blood that inevitably followed. More fluid than I had ever ingested in my life urged the blood forward, and I was so weak I couldn't move. My electrolytes obviously suffered, and they had to admit me to the hospital for TPN.

I was suddenly transported back to the present. The stimulus? I had suddenly recalled JC's face when he thought about my being fed intravenously, and I almost laughed. I couldn't give in like this, not to the disease and sure as hell not to the fear. He was one of the best reasons I could think of to give this thing the fight of its life--the fight of my life. I was not going to do this to him, to the girls, or to Kathy, and most of all, I was not going to do this to me. I assessed my surroundings, barely remembering that I had come home at all. I could see Nate on the phone, and from the sound of him, it sounded like he was trying to call Kathy.

"Don't," I said simply.

I think it caught him completely unaware that I had spoken, at least coherently. He hung up the phone and walked over to sit next to me. He asked what was wrong, and I was finally able to string together words in some semblance of coherency. I didn't know where to begin other than to apologize for scaring him. He assured me that apologies were hardly necessary, but he wanted to know what he needed to do to help.

"I honestly don't know," I told him. He just stared at me in uncertainty, so I continued, "Do you remember the other night on the patio? Everything just kind of hit you all at once?"

He nodded his head, obviously transported back to that place and time. "I guess that's what happened to me today in the doctor's office."

I could see the question forming, so I answered it before it was asked. "I had a doctor's appointment this morning. When the hospital called with the results of the scans I'd had done, they--they being my friend David--had taken the liberty of setting things up with Dr. North, an oncologist."

"How come . . . why . . . ?" Nate started to ask, but halting himself when he realized it sounded accusatory.

"Why didn't you all know about the appointment before now?" I asked for him, and he nodded. "Truthfully, a part of me was trying to put it out of my mind, but more simple than that, I thought the appointment was a few days from now. It wasn't until yesterday, when I went to make a note in my day planner about taking the guys to the station, that I noticed it was today. I was going to tell everyone last night, but you and Brian had gone out. Besides that, JC distracted me," I smiled.

He returned the sentiment. "So what do we do now?"

"I really need to go talk to him, to find out exactly what I'm dealing with this time, but I don't know that I'm up to it."

"Do you just want to rest? I'll call Kathy's office and see if she can pick the guys up," Nate asked, his concern evident.

"No, that's okay," I forced myself to smile. "I'll be okay. Besides, I don't want the guys to worry any more than they already are."

"Then I guess the question still stands as to what we're gonna do," he pointed out, the side of his mouth turning up into a half-smile.

Feeling much better, I almost laughed. "That depends--do you feel up to dealing with Memphis drivers?" I asked, and the reaction on his face told me he was less than enthused, though he was willing.

Nate had a white-knuckled death grip on the steering wheel, and his eyes constantly darted around intently. "I appreciate it," I told him. "I just wasn't up to driving yet."

"No problem," he said, trying to convince himself as well as me. As we headed towards the interstate, he asked, "So which way to the radio station?"

"Actually," I decided, "we're not going there just yet. The guys obviously have some time left, so if you don't mind, why don't we go to Dr. North's office?"

The color literally drained from his face, and he barely whispered, "Okay."

As we rode to the physicians' office building near the hospital, Nate continued to ask me if I was okay. I told him that I was, or at least as much as could be expected. He was strangely silent otherwise, especially when we pulled into the parking lot. I realized how much all of this was probably getting to him. I deeply appreciated the concern, but I was beginning to come around. I just needed that little breakdown to give me perspective, I guess.

Nate asked something else, but I was lost in thought and didn't hear it. I was about to get him to repeat it, but we had reached the office, and as I opened the door, Dr. North was sitting atop the receptionist's desk.

"I was hoping you were on your way back, Matt," he smiled. I looked around the waiting room to see all eyes on me, and all of the color drained from my face. "Come on back," he laughed.

We followed him back to an office instead of an examination room, which kind of surprised me. He motioned for Nate and I to take a seat while he hopped up on his desk. I smiled to myself when I realized that he had changed very little since I knew him years ago.

"Bobby North," he offered, extending his hand to Nate.

"Nate Healy," Nate responded in kind.

"The author?" I looked over to Nate, who seemed both a little surprised and flattered that he knew who he was. Nate finally nodded. "I'm impressed. Matt's apparently broadened his social horizons." I was kind of taken aback by that remark, so I cut him a dirty look. "In all seriousness," he amended, "I'm a big fan of your work, and I look forward to reading your next book."

"A pleasure to meet you, Dr. North," Nate smiled. I made a mental note to tell Brian he wasn't the only celebrity around here.

"Please, call me Bobby." Nate nodded, and Bobby turned to me. "We're gonna be talking about quite a bit. Your friend might be more comfortable in the waiting room." Nate started to stand, but I put my hand on his arm and signaled him to sit again. I knew what Bobby was doing, but I really wanted someone here with me.

Bobby nodded, silently telling me, 'However you want me to handle this.' He picked up a manila folder that rested on the desk beside him. "These are your lab and radiology results, which, by the way, I'm glad you've saved me the trouble of getting. HOWEVER, I do not condone self-diagnosis, nor do I approve of your using Scott's name without his permission. You know he will string me up for not telling him."

I cringed at the chastising. I'd honestly forgotten that Bobby had done his emergency rotation under Scott. I got the impression from what Bobby had said that he wasn't going to tell Scott, but somehow, that didn't make me feel any less guilty. "I'm glad David called me. I trained under the same doctors you went to at St. Jude, but more importantly, I'm your friend.

I want to do all I can to help you."

He stopped for a minute to thumb through some of the paperwork. I looked over at Nate, who still seemed a little distraught. Luckily, I knew Bobby's good looks and outgoing personality would help put him at ease.

He set the paperwork down beside him once more and picked up a pencil and a yellow pad. "Matt," he began, suddenly very solemn, "I've know you for a long time now, and I know you don't want me beating around the bush. As such, I'm going to tell you straight out. I wish I had some good news for you, but . . . ."

"But you don't," I interrupted. "I'm a pretty bright guy, and I figured out as much already. Basically, I just need to know what to do next."

He halfheartedly smiled at me. "Of course. As you no doubt know, until we get some pathology results, nothing's for certain, but you can pretty well bank on what I'm telling you as gospel."

I visibly tensed. I'd never heard Bobby be so serious in my life. "Okay, I'm ready," I barely stammered, more for my benefit than anyone else's.

"Judging from the symptoms that you described to David and the apparent course that the malignancy has taken through your body, your Hodgkin's Disease is at least stage IIIB again, though it could conceivably even be stage IV."

Nate finally said something, and until he had, I'd honestly forgotten he was sitting right next to me. "How bad is that?"

I smiled, recalling something I had heard Tracy Nelson say years ago. "On the plus side, there's no stage V."

He caught my meaning instantly, and I could see his face fall. On the verge of losing it myself, I turned back to Bobby. "Did you have any nodular sclerosis last time?"

I nodded, so he continued, saving me the embarrassment of trying, rather failing, to speak. "In that case, looking at the protocols that they used last time, I'm thinking that combination mantle field radiation and hybrid chemotherapy is our best course of action Specifically, I'm thinking MOPP/ABV."

I shook my head. "They used some advanced treatment algorithms, and one of those included mechlorethamine, which I had an anaphylactic reaction to."

Bobby scratched through some notes he had made. "In that case, we'll stick with ABVD, but considering that your disease is recurrent, I think we need to go with total nodal irradiation."

I nodded my head in agreement. "When do you want to start?"

"As soon as possible. A week? Two weeks max."

That knocked the breath from me. "That soon?"

Bobby nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay," I conceded. When I stood, so did Bobby. He gave me a quick hug and shoved some papers in my hand. "I know you know the drill," he told me, "but there are some numbers on there if you need support or just someone to talk to. And it goes without saying that you can call me anytime."

"Thanks," I smiled, trying not to be reduced to tears. I looked over to Nate, who followed my lead to the car.

We were on our way home in no time, but Nate had said nothing. I could only imagine what was going through his head, so I finally broke the ice. "He's cute, huh?" I couldn't discern whether the stunned look was because I had finally said something, I had asked something so off the wall, or I had embarrassed him.

"Who?" he asked.

"The doctor," I prodded.

"Bobby?" he asked.

I grinned, "Yeah, 'Bobby.'" Unfortunately, he didn't have the decency to blush like Kevin always does, but at the very least, I knew his mind couldn't be back in the office.

"I guess," he finally managed, even beginning to smile.

"Let's go back to the house. We've got well over an hour before the guys get done, so you can get some work done and I can grab a power nap."

"Sounds good," he nodded, and for the first time, I could actually guess what he was thinking.

"Go ahead and says what's on your mind," I told him.

He looked as though he was going to ask something, but he hesitated.

"Let me see if I can fill in the blanks," I smiled. "You're wondering what my chances are."

Nate's face paled, and I knew that that was exactly what occupied his thoughts. "Yeah, I guess I am. Sorry," he admitted. "I was kind of surprised that he didn't tell you."

One side of my mouth went up in a half-smile. "First off, don't be sorry. Secondly, he didn't tell me because he knew that he didn't have to. If it's stage III again, my five-year survivability is maybe fifty percent."

"Five-year survivability?"

"It's the benchmark by which we measure how effective our treatment has been. If there has been no recurrence within five years, we're considered cancer-free."

"Hasn't it already been longer than that for you?"

"Yeah, but then again, I always have been a slow-starter."

He almost smiled at that, but the inevitable question arose. "What if it's stage IV?"

"Ten to twenty percent," I answered flatly.

He was speechless. I considered it a pretty impressive feat to steal the words from a writer's mouth. "I'm sorry," he finally uttered.

"The same rules apply for you as for Kevin--no more apologies. This sure as hell wasn't something that you're responsible for."

"I know," he sighed, running his hand through his hair. "But I can't help but feel bad that there's nothing I can do."

"Welcome to my world," I chuckled. "I'm going to start my treatments in the next week or so, and that's all I can do. You, on the other hand, are here for me, and that's exactly what I need you to do." He smiled, more because he didn't know what else to do. "I do want to ask something else of you, though."

"Name it," he responded immediately.

"Don't mention anything to the guys about what happened this morning, especially to JC."

He tried to smile. "Mention what?"

I just nodded in appreciation as we pulled into the driveway. We walked into the house, and I threw my keys on the table as I heard the answering machine beeping. I told Nate I'd let him get back to work and excused myself so I could check the message. It turned out to be from Andy, so I picked up the phone in my bedroom and dialed his cell phone.

"Hello?" a female voice answered.

"Aunt Cate?" I asked with uncertainty.

"Matt! It's about time I heard from you," she chastised lovingly.

"Sorry," I smiled. "I don't suppose saying that I've been busy would help."

"Not in the least," she laughed.

"Not that I don't love hearing my favorite aunt's voice, but I thought I was calling Andy. He tried to get in touch with me earlier."

"You got the right number. They have a show here in town tomorrow night. He's asleep on the couch. I heard the phone ringing in his jacket."

"Asleep?" I laughed. "It's an hour later there than it is here. Tell the lazy shit to get up."

"Watch your language, young man," she giggled. "He got up early to go shopping with me."

"I'm teasing," I confessed. "I was about to lay down for a nap myself. I just wanted to see what he wanted."

"Hold on," she started. "I'll get him up."

"Wait, Aunt Cate," I said, so quickly that my mouth didn't give me a chance to second guess my thoughts.

"Yeah, honey?"

"Is the other lunkhead around?"

"Yes. He's in the kitchen. Do you want to talk to him?"

I exhaled. "Yes and no. There's something I need to tell you--all of you."

"Okay. Let me get them both in here."

"Thanks," I muttered. "Let me call you back at your number so you can put me on speakerphone."

"Okay," she hesitated, obviously worried. When I hung up, I realized just how dense I was at times. I should have listed her or one of the boys as an emergency contact. I dialed the number, and she answered once more.

"Hey," I greeted.

"Hey," the three of them collectively answered.

"Good, you're all there. First off, what'd you need earlier, Andy?"

"Matt, I'm gonna have to kill you. You realize this, right?"

"You may want to hurry," I whispered, surprising myself not only with the words, but the sentiment.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," I answered, shaking it off. "Did you want something?"

"Not really," he told me. "Big brother and I thought we'd give you a shout since we couldn't make it down to see the girls' dance. He wants to introduce you to his new girlfriend sometime soon, though."

"Ooh," I laughed. "Nicky's got a girlfriend? Who'd want that ugly mug?"

"I heard that," he laughed. "So what's up?"

"A lot, actually. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

"Why don't I like the sound of this?" Nick asked.

"Okay, I'll start with the good," I tried to laugh. "I've met someone."

"What are they like?" Andy asked. Leave it to him to be politically correct enough not to assume whether it was a guy or a girl.

"Well, he's fantastic. He's sweet, he's sensitive, he's funny, he's gorgeous, and he's amazingly talented. I guess I'm just drawn to great singers," I laughed.

"Oh, really?" Andy asked. "Anybody we would know of?"

"Maybe," I grinned, deftly choosing my words.

"So when do we get to meet Romeo?" Nick asked.

"I guess the next time you guys are in town, if I can coordinate it with his schedule, too," I answered.

"Is he on tour?" Cate asked.

"Not at this moment, but that's a story in and of itself that I'll tell you another time."

"Okay," I heard Andy say. "I think we're gonna be in Little Rock before too long. That'll probably be our next chance to see you."

"Sounds good," I commenting, my voice trailing off.

"What aren't you saying?" Cate asked, seeing through my words.

"And now the bad news," I began, bracing myself. 'No way to do this other than straight out,' I decided. "My Hodgkin's Disease is back."

There was a brief silence on the other end. "Oh, honey," was Aunt Cate's response.

"What can we do?" Nick asked.

"Nothing, at the moment," I told him truthfully.

"When do you start your chemo and radiation treatments?" Andy asked.

"A week or so."

"Do you want us to come down?" Nick wondered.

"No," I smiled at the sentiment. "You guys have a job to do, and it's time-consuming enough without baby-sitting me."

"Don't be stupid," he commented. "You know we want to do everything we can."

"I know. I'm sorry." Now it was my turn to apologize. "My nerves are a little on edge."

"Understandably so," Aunt Cate tried to soothe.

"Listen, guys," I told them. "I appreciate it--really I do. Right now, I'm okay. I'll let you know if I need you to be here for me."

"We're always here for you," Andy assured me.

"Absolutely," Nick added. "But you better call us if you want us to physically be by your side. You know we'll be on the first plane."

"I know," I acknowledged. "And I will. Besides, I can't wait to meet this new girlfriend, Nick."

"Only if I get to meet Mr. Wonderful," he countered.

"Absolutely," I chuckled.

"In the meantime, dear, you let him take care of you," Aunt Cate added.

"I will, Aunt Cate. I promise," I smiled. "I'll talk to you all later."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Andy asked.

"Yeah," I admitted. "I am."

"Okay," Nick conceded. "We'll see you soon."

"Okay," I returned. "Love you all."

"Love you, too," they echoed in unison.

I hung up the phone, somewhat relieved. That had gone much better than I had expected. I only hoped my heart-to-heart with the girls would go as well. With that off of my chest, I was able to close my eyes and fall asleep.

My internal alarm clock woke me up several minutes before the real one. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed just yet. I looked over to JC's pillow, and envisioning his sleeping face immediately brought a smile to my face. I lifted my head from my pillow to his. It already smelled like him.

I closed my eyes again and sat there motionlessly. The feel of the linens against my skin reminded me of his touch, and I beamed with the realization of how much I loved him and he loved me.

Surprisingly, this morning's visit to the doctor's office hadn't been as bad as I expected. I was hoping for a better prognosis, but ultimately, nothing he said had caught me unaware. I felt much stronger this time than I did before, and not just physically. I had a good feeling.

The most hideous invention ever devised blared when the predetermined time had been reached, and I quickly hurled it to the wall to silence it. All of my extremities had fallen asleep while my mind wandered in thought, so I gradually roused them. Sitting up, I stretched my arms, popping several joints along the way. I managed to rise to my feet once more, though their unsteadiness sent me spiraling towards my dresser. I managed to get my arms in front of me and stopped my fall. I slid my clothes back on and rejoined Nate in the living room.

"Hey, you," he smiled upon my entrance. "Is it time to get the guys?"

"Don't worry about it," I smiled. "I'll go get them. You seem in the middle of something, so why don't you keep doing what you're doing."

"Are you sure?" he asked, and I knew exactly what I meant.

"Positive," I assured him. "I'll be fine."

He nodded in understanding, realizing that I needed to do this for myself. I grabbed a drink from the fridge and headed out the door.

On my way to the radio station, I wasn't thinking about the cancer. Honestly, I wasn't thinking about much of anything. I contentedly listened to the guys' voices on the radio. In retrospect, I realized that Nate was listening to the same thing when I left. I was happy for the chance to be alone, not with my thoughts, but merely alone.

I got to the studio about the time they were wrapping up. The guys stopped to sign autographs from the mobs of people who'd flocked to the station during their broadcast. I tried to stay off to the sidelines and out of the limelight as much as humanly possible, but leave it to JC. He looked up and smiled at me, drawing everyone's attention to me. All of the sudden, I was bombarded with people wondering who I was. Kevin came to the rescue and said that I was a friend of theirs who was giving them a ride. Much to my confusion, that lame cover story seemed to pacify them, and after weeding through the crowds, we made it to the car.

As I started for the driver's side door, JC grabbed my arm. "I think I'll sit in back with Brian. I think he and I have some things to discuss," he whispered under his breath. I nodded in understanding--the motives if not the reason.

"Hey, Kev, why don't you sit up here with me?" I hollered across the top of the car. Both he and Brian looked confused, but Kevin just shrugged to his cousin and hopped in the front seat.

We had barely gotten back on the interstate before I watched Kevin's head bounce against the window with each bump. He was out like a light. I wondered if Kathy had gotten him up when she left for work. I turned up the radio a little bit, trying hard not to eavesdrop on JC and Brian, but it proved to be to no avail. Before it was over, the topic of conversation had me too intrigued to ignore the voices.

"So what was with you yesterday?" JC asked Brian. I immediately I thought that this was none of JC's business, or mine, but by the same token, I realized how uncharacteristic this was of JC's behavior. There was something going on here.

"You wouldn't understand," Brian sulked. I kept stealing glances at the two of them in the rearview mirror, averting my eyes if either of them looked ahead. I tried not to, but I couldn't avoid it. Their body language was saying as much as their words.

"Try me," JC smiled.

One side of Brian's mouth went up in a feeble attempt at a smile. "I guess you might, at that."

"I'm all ears," JC told him with a comforting look.

"Just feeling like the canary in the gilded cage I guess," he confessed.

I expected JC to say something, but he didn't, he just sat there silently, nodding in understanding as he waited for Brian to continue. He looked up at JC and realized that he was preaching to the converted.

"You know what it's like for us. We can't do any of the things we used to do without it becoming a media event to be scrutinized by everybody. Every waking moment is something to be torn apart and examined under the microscope like we're some kind of lab rat."

"I'll give you that," JC told him. "But there's more to it than that."

Brian just stared out the window. For a moment, I could have sworn JC caught my spying, but if he did, he wasn't letting me know it.

"Of course there is. When is anything in our lives' simple?"

"Most of the time, actually," JC interjected. Brian immediately turned to look at him with a confused look. JC continued, "We do what we love. We have family and friends who care about us, unconditionally, for the most part. Not to mention we've found someone dumb enough to want to spend the rest of their lives with us."

"That's just it, JC. As if being gay wasn't hard enough under normal circumstances, now we have to complicate matters by risking the happiness of those very people, not to mention our careers."

"Not much else we can do, though," JC pointed out.

"I'm not so sure," Brian muttered.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours, Brian?"

"How can we ask someone to be a part of this madhouse . . . this . . . circus?"

"How can we not?" JC asked softly.

Brian looked more confused than ever. "Now I'm not following."

"Okay, Mr. Protestant," JC grinned, "was it a given for you that being gay was a natural part of your life, and that no one would have a problem with that?"

Brian's face hardened. "Of course not. I was confused, and I was scared that everyone would hate me."

"And what about the whole fire and brimstone thing?" That one threw even me for a loop.

"What do you mean?" Brian asked.

"You know that a large chunk of the free and not-so-free world think we're going to burn in hell for being gay."

"You're not exactly giving me a news flash, JC."

"Bear with me. You came to terms with that, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be where you are now."

"I'll grant you that, but . . . ."

JC interrupted, "At some point, you decided that this was not something you had a hand in. Coming from my upbringing, I know how difficult that was."

Brian just shook his head in confusion again.

"Let me finish," JC cut in again with a smile. "At some point, you had to realize that you didn't have any control in being gay."

Brian just nodded.

"And did you ask to fall in love?"

Brian sat there awkwardly silent and motionless.

"Let's try this again," JC urged. "Did you ask to fall in love with Nate?"

"No, of course not. You don't ask to fall in love, it just happens," Brian answered. As he did, the answer was almost as apparent to him as it must have been to JC all along.

"Exactly. You just made my point for me. We fell in love with them for our reasons, and they fell in love with us for theirs. Ultimately, some driving force led us to one another, because we don't have enough sense to figure things like love out alone."

"Speak for yourself," Brian cut in, forcing a grin.

"Anyway," JC rolled his eyes. "We didn't ask to sit at the table, but we've been dealt a hand that we're gonna have to play anyway. The same applies to them."

"I know, JC, but for God's sake, I can't even tell him that I love him without looking over my shoulder first."

"Don't you think I know that, Brian? Don't you think that my first instinct a few minutes ago was to run up to Matt, hug him--kiss him, tell him how much I love him? Don't you think I know what it's like to not be able to do that?"

"Of course you do, JC. That's my point. It isn't fair to them."

"No, Brian, it's not, but it's not fair to us to not be with them."

"I think I'm lost again."

"It took a lot of soul-searching to admit that I wasn't some evil monster because I was gay. It took even longer to admit to myself that I deserved to be happy--that I deserved everything that everyone else took for granted."

"But won't they resent us for it in the end?"

JC shrugged. "Honestly, they might, but isn't it worth the chance that they won't?"

Brian seemed stuck on that one. I don't think the questions reeling through his mind were completely sated, but he had a lot to process now. The timing couldn't have been better, because we were pulling up in the driveway that very instant. As I turned off the ignition, I looked at JC in the rearview mirror. His eyes met mine and he smiled. I was completely hypnotized when Kevin asked if we were home already. I laughed, and we all went into the house.

I let us in, and Brian immediately headed for the living room, where we all presumed Nate to be. Kevin smiled and went into the kitchen while I went back outside to check the mail. It didn't take long to figure out that JC was right behind me. He stuck his hand in the box with mine and gave my hand a squeeze. "I love you, you big peeping tom," he grinned.

"What?" I laughed.

"I saw you eavesdropping on us."

I blushed. "I honestly didn't mean to."

"I know," he smiled. "So did anything I say make sense?"

"To Brian?"

"To you."

I just shook my head and smiled. "Now, I'm the one that's lost."

When we were safely under the carport, he walked behind me and wrapped his arms tightly around me. He kissed my neck. "I know you have doubts, Matt. You'd be crazy not to, but I want you to understand how much I care about you. You're worth any risk I have to take."

I leaned back and kissed his nose. "I love you," I echoed. "You're pretty smart when you need to be."

"I'm no child prodigy like some people, but I have my moments," he laughed, pushing me through the door.

We plopped down on the couch that was adjacent to Nate and Brian. Kevin was looking over Brian's shoulder at something in his hands--a drawing, judging by Kevin's question. Apparently, it wasn't a character sketch, like JC had seen this morning. I was feeling like the odd man out here, because I had no clue what they were talking about. JC obviously did, because he nodded. Nate told Kevin that this was a picture of a woman I presumed to be his grandmother.

"May I see it?" JC asked, motioning towards the pad in Brian's hands.

Nate told him that he could and passed it to him. He told us that it was finished, though. I was looking over JC's shoulder, and I had to admit that it was really good. I'd been lucky enough to inherit my mother's artistic talent, and I would have been hard-pressed to do as well. I hadn't really drawn since before I got sick, and my last paintings were placed in the attic when I moved into this house.

"That is really good," JC added before returning the pad.

Apparently, Nate's "Nana" was a modest person and would not have approved of being the model.

"And Papa didn't step in and defend her from herself?" Brian asked.

Nate laughed an answer that consisted of a smartass remark from his grandfather. He told us that was the only time he'd ever seen her flip someone off. The slightly somber tone obviously broken, we all started laughing.

JC opened his mouth to say something--what, I had no idea--but Nate's cell phone was ringing on the coffee table. Brian quickly snatched it up and answered. He finally handed the phone to its rightful owner with the announcement that it was Carrie.

"Ooh, Kev," I taunted, trying to draw everyone into a conversation so that Nate could have some semblance of privacy. "Your girlfriend's checking up on you."

"Very funny," he snapped sarcastically. "Not all of our significant others can just take time off to hang out with us."

JC's forehead hurled. "Hey, wait a minute. I get the distinct impression that I should be insulted."

Brian just laughed, "Me, too."

"And where are you going next week, Mr. Richardson?" I prodded.

My point wasn't lost on him, so he answered in defeat, "To see Carrie."

I wasn't about to let him off that easily. "Exactly. As long as there's one person in the relationship that isn't hindered by a real job . . . ."

"Hey!" JC smiled. The comment was immediately received my three pillows smacking me upside the head.

"Good," Nate almost yelled. The words weren't nearly as disconcerting as the harshness with which they were spoken. We all froze and looked at him. He ignored us and stood up, walking out of the room.

"I take it that this wasn't a social call," JC glibly added.

"Pretty antisocial," Brian forced himself to smile. "Must be work. It happens to the best of us."

"Some of us, anyway," I muttered under my breath, not as quietly as I had intended.

"Huh?" Brian asked.

"Long story," JC told him.

"I'll tell you later," Kevin whispered, though having only a few feet of space separating us, the effort was somewhat wasted. I just smiled and nodded towards him when he realized that I'd heard every word.

"How did things go at the doctor's office this morning?" JC asked.

My smile faded, and I could tell that this fact hadn't escaped Kevin. Brian, luckily, was looking towards the other room where Nate was.

"No great surprises," I said honestly. "It ended about the way I expected, and I'm going to start treatments in a week or so."

"So soon?" Kevin and JC asked in unison. I smiled at their concern.

"The sooner, the better."

"How . . . ?" Kevin and JC both started to ask again. When they realized that the other was asking the same thing, their voices trailed off.

"It's about the same as last time. Maybe a bit worse--they're not sure yet," I stoically answered their unspoken question.

They sat there silently for a moment before both of them started to speak again. "Is there anything . . . ?"

I was laughing at how closely they echoed each other. "No, guys. There's nothing you can do . . . right now, at least. That's sweet of you, though--of both of you. That does remind me, though. Kevin, I listed you as an emergency contact, since I didn't know JC's number."

"No problem," Kevin smiled.

JC was scribbling down what I presumed to be his number. He placed it in my hand and closed my fingers around it. He kissed my cheek and patted my hand. "Sorry, sweetie, it never even occurred to me."

"Me, either," I assured him, stroking his cheek with the back of my hand. I glanced down at the number and committed it to memory.

"Should Kevin and I leave?" Brian laughed.

"Kevin, no, but you . . . ," I teased. Brian just rolled his eyes.

"Well, he's right here, but I don't know how handy he is," Nate laughed as he entered the room and walked towards Kevin. Now it was Kevin's turn to roll his eyes. Nate told Carrie he'd talk to her next week. "No problem," he responded. "I'll let you talk to tall, dark, and handsome now." When he handed me the phone, I was as lost as Kevin seemed to be.

"Hello?" I said unsurely.

"Who's this?" the woman asked.

"Matt."

She laughed. "Oh, hi, Matt. I'm Carrie."

"I kind of figured as much," I chuckled. "On the plus side, I've heard nothing but good things about you."

"Yeah," she giggled. "But Kevin's kind of biased."

"Who said I was talking about Kevin?" I shot back.

"Whatever," she laughed. "I'm sure we'll get a chance to meet some other time, but in the meanwhile, can I talk to him?"

"I guess," I laughed as I handed the phone to Kevin, who went towards the back of the house.

Brian asked what the phone call was all about, and he gave us the gist of it. "My former editor, Pete, was canned this morning because everyone had basically jumped ship since he and I parted ways." I started to ask how come, but I didn't need to. "He was a real asshole about a lot of things," Nate continued. "Not to mention that there's some very bad blood between us after the stuff with Nick."

I immediately knew that he was talking about that incident in the tabloids, but I don't think any of us were quite clear what that had to do with anything on the table at the moment. Luckily, Nate didn't keep us in suspense. "Anyway, now the powers that be are riding Denise, who's Carrie's boss, who's, in turn, riding Carrie, who's now riding me," he sequenced, pausing to draw a breath before pushing onward. "I'm not the little fish in the big pond that I was a year ago, and in their own twisted way, the higher-ups are trying to make sure that I'm not getting the raw end of the deal like I did with Pete. Unfortunately, in return for their interests, they're looking out for exactly that. They were less than thrilled with the progress I'm making, or rather, lack, thereof. In short, I've been told to get my ass in gear."

Brian commented that their designs on a vacation were pretty well shot, but Nate reassured him that that wasn't the case. They could only take what he was willing to give.

"And if you don't give them what they want?" I asked him, more than a little concerned.

Nate told us that worst-case scenario involved financial retribution, but they were apparently loathe to do that unless he just didn't give them anything. He seemed pretty confident that they were just trying to "motivate" him or something. Brian voiced a concern as he patted Nate's knee in support. Nate smiled and echoed the sentiment, citing that he needed to work, if we could keep Brian entertained., which I assured him we could manage.

Nate gave Brian a peck on the cheek. "And try to keep the threesomes to a minimum, okay?"

Brian laughed and kicked him, and Nate left the room. All of the sudden, Brian had a perplexed look on his face.

"What?" I asked him.

"I'm hungry," he pouted. "What are we gonna do for lunch?"

JC had a worried look on his face. "Just because I did breakfast this morning, does that mean I have to do lunch?"

I grabbed his cheeks between my fingers and kissed him squarely on the mouth. "No, sweetie. I'll do it."

"Or I could," I heard Kevin say behind me as he set Nate's phone on the table. "I don't think I've done breakfast yet."

"I don't think you have, either, Mr. Body Beutiful," I grinned, causing him to blush once more. "And you're not getting out of it that easy, either. You have breakfast duty in the morning." Turning my attention to Brian, "How about Mickey-D's?"

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Do you really have to ask?"

"Burgers and fries it is," I grinned. Brian leapt to his feet and lifted me off of my own.

"I think I could love you," he smiled.

"I think you could kill me," I gasped. He set me down, embarrassed. "You know," I smiled, "for celebrities, you guys are cheap."

It was JC's turn to spring forward. He wrapped his arms around my from behind as he had earlier and nibbled on my ear lobe. "And easy," he laughed.

"Speak for yourself," Brian chuckled.

"Let's see," JC grinned maliciously, "Kevin's showered with him, and you've kissed him. Yep, I'd say easy is a pretty good summation."

"Neither one of those we initiated," Brian countered.

JC acted hurt. "You're saying my boyfriend is sleeping around?"

"Who said anything about sleeping?" Kevin laughed. It was pretty uncharacteristic of him to resort to the same lewd humor that the rest of us were accustomed to. I was pretty proud of him.

"On that note," I cut in, smiling, "I'll go get us some food."

"I'm coming with you," Brian quickly added. He looked at the puzzled looks. "What? I have to eat my fries on the way home."

JC just grinned. "Well, I'm not leaving you alone in the car with Romeo."

"Who me?" Brian asked.

JC just shook his head. "Who said I worried about him being alone with you?"

Kevin just grinned. "Well, I'm not sitting here alone, but you do realize we're doing drive-thru?"

Brian and JC nodded. Brian headed back just long enough to stick his head in the bedroom and tell Nate we were going out to grab something to eat and we'd bring him something back. After that, we headed out again. I chuckled to myself as I got behind the wheel.

"What?" Kevin asked from the back-seat.

"Just thinking I need to get some gas," I smiled. "I've put more miles on my car in the last week than I have in the last month."

"Sorry," Kevin told me.

I abruptly put the car in park at the end of the driveway. Everyone was thoroughly confused when I walked around to Kevin's door. I opened it and leaned inside. "I told you not to apologize anymore. You know what happens next, right?"

"Um, no," he answered truthfully.

I looked over at Brian, trying to hold my composure. "Is he ticklish?" I asked him.

Brian's smile grew to the point it was blinding. "Why, yes," he grinned. "As a matter of fact, he is."

Kevin looked at me in horror. "You wouldn't."

I motioned to Brian, who snagged Kevin's arms behind him. "I would," I assured him. I proceeded to tickle him for all he was worth. JC, not to be outdone, unbuckled his seat belt and came over the armrests to help.

Before it was over, Kevin accidentally popped me in the chops, and I was afraid JC was getting the beginnings of a black-eye. Kevin was completely disheveled. His face was tear-streaked, his hair was sticking out in all directions, and his clothes were bedraggled. He was clutching his stomach in exhaustion, but the wicked look on his face told me I was due some revenge.

'So be it,' I thought as I went back around to my seat. I stared in the rearview mirror at every red light, rubbing my already-swollen left cheek.

"Matt, I'm . . . ," Kevin started. Brian was motioning with his hands for him to continue. Kevin just smiled and shook his head when he saw my daring look. "Never mind."

We got to the restaurant, and I ordered the food, as well as an extra cup of ice. Nobody thought much of it until I told JC to hand me a glove from the box, ironically, in the glove compartment. I dumped the ice into the glove and tied off the end. I took the makeshift ice pack and held it up to JC's eye until he took it from me. I did likewise for myself, and we headed back to the house. True to his word, Brian had not only eaten his fries, but about three-fourths of everyone else's, too.

When we got inside, Nate joined us, and we wolfed down the sandwiches while watching Rosie O'Donnell on television. Nate had told me about how they met, and I knew their meeting up on that show had a lot to do with the fact that they were together now. JC, I was pretty sure, didn't know, but he always had fun on her show, so we all watched while we ate. JC even mentioned that he and the guys were scheduled to go on her show in a couple of months.

I asked Nate if he'd gotten anything written, which he said he had. He told us he had gotten to a stopping point, trying to decide where to go next with the story. Brian failed miserably in his attempt to offer his services to read it and give him ideas. Even I knew that wasn't going to happen.

Kevin and I disposed of all the trash, while Brian moved from his spot next to Nate to directly behind him. He started massaging Nate's shoulders, remarking how tense he was. "You know what I bet would help relax you?" Brian asked him. Oh, that was too much, and I just couldn't maintain the straight face. Nate asked him what he had in mind. "A nice, hot shower. And, of course, I would have to come along and keep the back rub going."

"Of course," Kevin cut in flatly, almost reminiscent of a Grey Poupon commercial.

Brian whispered into Nate's ear, causing him to stand. Brian wasn't positioned for that, and he went spilling to the floor, earning a chuckle from all of us.

"We'll be back," Nate announced.

JC grinned, "Thanks for the warning."

Nate just led Brian down the hall like he didn't even hear him.

I handed Josh the remote and rested my head in his lap. Kevin was on the other end of the couch, so I lifted my legs up and dropped them in his lap. He rolled his eyes. "I don't suppose there's any way I'll be able to get you to move these things?" I just smiled at him and closed my eyes. "Nope." I could hear him almost chuckle, "Didn't think so."

JC softly brushed the hair from my eyes and caressed my forehead. I felt Kevin shift beneath my feet in an effort to get comfortable. I could hear the abrupt changes in sound emanating from the television, so I knew JC wasn't having much luck finding anything to watch.

"Sweetie?" I smiled at JC without opening my eyes.

"Yes?" he replied, the smile evident in his voice.

"I'm thirsty again," I said in my best five-year-old.

"And what do you want me to about it, hon?" he grinned.

"I want a soda," I pouted. I felt a can being shoved into my hand. My eyebrow shot up, since I knew that JC had finished his drink already. My curiosity, however, was not enough to get me to open my eyes. I just smiled and said, "Thanks, sweetie."

"You're welcome, dear," I heard Kevin answer. I opened my eyes and looked down to my hand to find the Coke he had been drinking. I looked at him in puzzlement. "Anything to get you two to quit," he smiled. "As if Brian and Nate weren't bad enough."

"Thanks, Boo," I cooed as I shut my eyes again. I was pretty much out of it when Nate and Brian came back in. I had no idea how long they had been in the shower, but we all knew exactly what they had been doing. They dropped down onto the other couch in silence, and we remained that way for quite a while.

Finally, I felt JC and Kevin both shifting. I had the distinct impression that I was putting both of their legs asleep, so I forced myself to sit up.

"Come here, sweetie," JC soothed as he shut off the television and set the remote control on the coffee table. He slid behind me and massaged my back and shoulders. When his fingers kneaded into my spine, every hair on the back of my neck stood on end. He placed both hands on my right shoulder and started rubbing in opposite directions. His left hand pushed towards my neck while his right moved to my upper arm. I felt my whole body going weak--not numb, just incredibly relaxed. The boy was good at this, and I made a mental note to that effect.

He had just moved to my left shoulder when my doorbell rang. I was not a happy camper, and obviously, neither was Nate. His eyes were straining to open like he was in that middle ground between wakefulness and dreaming. I grunted and stood up after it rang a second time. I was honestly hoping whoever it was would go away.

I walked to the front door and opened it. It was a woman I didn't know. "Can I help you?"

"Mr. Hunter?"

"Yes?" I prodded again.

"My name is Hannah Neale," she said curtly, extending her hand like this was some sort of meeting.

"Well, I'd introduce myself, but you seem to have the advantage here," I said rather sharply.

"I'm here to see Mr. Littrell and Mr. Healy," she announced flatly.

I didn't like how this was going. "I'm sorry," I lied. "I'm afraid I don't know who you're talking about."

"Come now, Mr. Hunter, you and I both know that to be untrue," she said, completely devoid of emotion. "Brian Thomas Littrell, a member of the singing group known as the Backstreet Boys, and Nathaniel Healy, author of the novel 'Blue Sky,'" she continued, as if to stress the fact that she knew for a fact they were here. "They have been staying with you for most of the week."

I was getting really pissed off. "I'm sorry, Ms. Neale, but I can't help you."

"I think you can, Mr. Hunter, and more to the point, I think you should. It could be detrimental to both their careers and their private lives if you don't."

My face hardened to stone. "You're treading on some very dangerous ground here, Ms. Neale. You have come to my home to invade the privacy of my guests, you have made demands, and now it seems that you are threatening my friends. I don't know what your game is, Ms. Neale, but . . . ."

"It's no game, Mr. Hunter, I . . . ," she interrupted.

"BUT I don't like it. I will tell Brian and Nate that you wish to speak with them, but some friendly advice, Ms. Neale--Watch your step." I coldly slammed the door in her face and headed back for the living room.

"Nate?" I called, seeing his eyes shut once more, "Brian? There's a woman here, and she's insisting on talking to you."

Kevin instinctively went on the defensive and wanted to know who she was. I told him that I didn't know anything but her name. He kind of brushed it off with that, citing that they were on vacation, but before I could protest, Brian urged Nate off of him and said that they would see here. Brian dragged Kevin with them, apparently thinking that she was there to see the Backstreet Boys or something. I started to point out that she wanted to speak to Brian and Nate, but I thought better of it. Brian said something about hoping that she didn't know JC was here, and of that much, I was sure.

That seemed like a trump card that she would have played in our little tete-a-tete.

I was lost in thought until I heard Kevin apologize, yet again. I assured him that it wasn't a problem for me. I dearly hoped that the same could be said for Brian and Nate. Now it was my turn to apologize for her finding them. I was beginning to think all our little outings had opened us up for this.

"I hate she found us, too," Brian smiled. "But no harm done." Somehow, I wasn't sure.

"Yeah, don't worry about it," Kevin clasped my shoulder. "We're used to it."

Nate just kind of waved it off, as well.

They all went to the door with me in tow. I opened the door, and I saw Nate smile. This wasn't some display of manners. I didn't trust this woman and certainly didn't want her in my home. Ms. Neale introduced herself as the guys did the same. As I expected, she was caught completely unaware by Kevin's appearance.

Brian politely asked what she wanted, and she made it abundantly clear that this wasn't a social call. She all but told Kevin and I to get lost, and I could see the worry in Kevin's eyes. Nate asked if they could use the dining room.

"Sure," I told him, trying not to let my demeanor disconcert him. He seemed aware of my tension, and the look he gave me tried to set me at ease.

I led Kevin back to the living room. "That was weird," he commented as he sat back down on the couch.

"You don't know the half of it," I said absentmindedly.

Josh's eyebrow went up immediately, as did Kevin's. "What do you mean?" the latter asked.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "Something's just off here. What you saw a few minutes ago was pretty typical of the conversation she and I had, with one major exception."

"That being?"

"She said that it could be 'detrimental' to their careers and their lives if she didn't speak with them."

"What's that supposed to mean?" JC asked.

"I wasn't sure, at first, but . . . ."

"What is it?" Kevin asked.

"Just a gut feeling."

"What aren't you telling us, Matt?" Kevin asked again.

I exhaled deeply. "I think I saw that woman at Graceland yesterday, and . . . ."

"And what?" JC asked.

"Maybe nothing," I replied.

"Or maybe something?" Kevin wondered aloud. I was saved by the proverbial bell when Brian came in. "B, what is it?"

Brian didn't say a word, he just sat on the couch lifelessly. "What's wrong?" Kevin asked again, but with similar results.

I patted JC on the leg and went to the kitchen. I grabbed some drinks from the fridge, and as I started back for the living room, I bumped into Kevin. I had to laugh, though luckily, everything was in an unopened can. We bent down and scooped up the drinks. "Why do I feel like there's something I'm missing?" he asked me.

I just shook my head. "I'm probably thinking the worst. Why don't we just wait for Nate?"

Kevin's shoulders fell, and we went back to JC and Brian. I pulled JC into the recliner with me. I just wanted him near me. He didn't have any problem with that, but he could tell something was on my mind. Kevin offered Brian a Coke, but Brian just shook his head.

Nate finally joined us with an envelope in his hand. Kevin turned his attention from Brian to him. "Nate, . . . ," he began. Nate just shook his head, telling him not to say another word.

"What do we do?" Brian asked, looking like someone who'd lost his best friend.

"I guess that's what we decide now," Nate replied under hushed tones.

Kevin finally started in on Nate again with the same question that he'd plagued me with. "What's going on?" Nate handed him a business card, and all Kevin could do was utter a profanity under his breath.

JC was, understandably, curious. He took the card from Kevin and read it where we both could see it. I couldn't even hear what JC had said. All I could think of was how much I wished I had been wrong. I asked if my thoughts were on track, and Nate passed the photos around from Kevin to Josh to me. It had been a camera flash I'd seen at Graceland. I was a bit uncomfortable seeing pictures of Brian and Nate not only being romantic but en flagrante delicto, as well, but under the circumstances, I knew my awkwardness was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Kevin was the first to voice his concern, but Brian gave us some hope that our worries may be unfounded. "Then what did she want?" I asked harshly, remembering my interaction with her earlier. I handed the pictures back, and Nate returned them to the envelope with the negatives. They explained that she was not going to publish the pictures in exchange for their stories at some future date.

"That, and to warn us that we have to be more careful. She said that if she could get those shots, anyone could."

That last part seemed to really stick in Kevin's craw, but he started rationalizing, saying that they needed to call their management. Brian was confused, but Kevin was explaining that he was just trying to be practical in this situation. He wanted to make sure that she didn't draw any more unwanted attention to them.

Nate told us that wasn't going to be a problem. We obviously wondered why, and he basically explained that he'd intimidated her.

Then, the fireworks started. Kevin started chastising him for being so reckless. Though I agreed with the sentiment, I didn't like how he was going about it. I started to say something, but Nate went ballistic in kind. Brian tried to calm both Nate and Kevin.

Brian looked completely unlike himself. There was hopeless expression on his face when he told Kevin that he could fix this for him.

I, reluctantly, offered my two cents, and told him that there wasn't much they could do about it. Tell her she had the story to get her off their backs and hope for the best. Kevin inserted some doom and gloom in, but Nate had calmed down enough to explain his contingencies.

Brian told us he didn't really see an option. In truth, neither did I. Neither did any of us, including Kevin. All I could do was nod my head in agreement and tell them how sorry I was for what they were going through.

Nate almost laughed. "Me, too." He stood up, grabbed his makeshift sketchbook, and left the room. Before he made it through the doorway, we heard him. "For about five seconds there, I actually thought that we could approach a normal relationship."

Brian just sat there, tears steadily rolling down his cheek. "Brian?" Kevin asked.

JC's silence ended. "Kevin, don't."

"I'm just . . . ."

"I know, but you're not helping the matter," JC said sharply. "You're making snap decisions about what you would do in a situation you couldn't possibly understand." I placed my hand on his arm to try to calm him down. "Josh, . . . ." "No, Matt. Kevin, I don't want to make you out to be the bad guy here, but we have you issues beyond your comprehension."

I could see Kevin poise for the defensive, but as each word was hurled by JC, Kevin seemed to shrink. Brian was listening, but excruciatingly silent.

"There's no one out there," JC said on the verge of tears, "to tell us how we're supposed to act, what we're supposed to do. There's no gay nuclear family. We're kind of in uncharted territory here, doing the very best we can to just survive."

"I'm . . . ," Kevin started, but his voice failed him.

"I know, Kevin. This is hard on you, seeing Brian or Nate suffering like they are right now, but the moral majority of this planet will turn against them the minute they learn that they're together. They don't need that from you, of all people."

Kevin's tears were evident now. "I had no idea. I mean . . . I didn't mean to . . . ." Brian saved him from himself and pulled him into a hug. Brian's chest was heaving now, and Kevin's wasn't far behind.

I intertwined my fingers with Josh's. Josh realized he was jumping on Kevin the same way he had jumped on Nate earlier. His tone softened. "Kevin, all I'm saying is: yes, they made a mistake. They hardly need you to point that out to them. What they do need you for is support."

Josh left me and walked outside. I looked over at Kevin and Brian, who still had his face buried in Kev's shirt. Kevin swiped the tears from his eyes with the palm of his hands and nodded towards me. I walked over to him, placed my hand on his shoulder, and kissed him on the top of the head. He patted my hand, and I followed JC outside.

His back was to me as he leaned over the railing. "You okay?" I asked him.

"Fine," he said flatly. "Nothing I haven't dealt with before."

"That doesn't mean you're fine," I smiled. He turned around and smiled back at me. "No, I guess it doesn't."

I took his hand and led him to the swing. I pulled him against me and cradled his head. "Did I go a little overboard?" he asked.

"Maybe a little," I smiled. "But your heart was in the right place."

"Even if my mouth wasn't," he laughed. "That wasn't really any of my business."

"I don't know about that, and I'm certainly not one to criticize you for the outburst. In case you haven't noticed, my mouth bypasses my brain entirely when my emotions are involved."

"I just looked at Brian," he mumbled softly, "and I saw myself not so long ago. Right now, he feels like the only one in the world who knows what he's going through. Everything's tearing at him from all sides. He's in turmoil with himself over being gay and his relationship with Nate. He's got family and friends and the other couple billion people in the world telling him one thing, but the voice that's the strongest is the one he hears with his heart."

"And what does it say to him?" I tried to smile.

"The same thing mine does," he smiled, squeezing my hand. "That he's in love, and he doesn't care about the consequences or who knows it. It's his head that's causing the problems. It tells him how much he has to lose from all this when every fiber of his being screams what he has to gain. He'll be okay--he just wasn't quite ready for all of this to hit him yet. In the long run, it's for the best. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger," he said absentmindedly.

"You sound like you're talking from experience," I pointed out.

"I am," he said coolly, turning around so that he could lean his back against my chest. "Someone got a picture of Craig and I kissing once. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears from our management and publicists, not to mention a lot of money, to kill that story. I, personally, wouldn't care, but I have the group to think about as well."

"I know, honey," I assured him, stroking his hair. "I'm happy with us, just the way we are. I'm not going to ask you for something you can't give."

"I know," he smiled, looking up at me. "That's one of many reasons I love you."

"I know you do," I smiled. "But I also know how hard it is for you, and for Brian. I just worry about you and your happiness."

"And that's another reason I love you," he smiled, pulling me down to kiss him. "But in case you haven't figured it out yet, you're my happiness."

"But it can't be enough, not the way it is, not now. We all want more," I reminded him. "What do you want?"

"Who said you're not that more for me?" he smiled.

"Josh, I'm serious."

"So am I. When Craig and I decided to get married, I decided to hell with everyone and everything. I was gonna have that white picket fence around the little house with the perfect yard. Granted, the 2.4 kids was gonna be a problem . . . ," he chuckled.

"Hey," I grinned, "at least we've got a head start on that one."

He just smiled and reached back to stroke my face. "I want to have that family that everyone dreams about. I want to have that rapport, that connection, to someone else--the way that my parents have it."

"You found it with Craig?"

"Yeah, I did, but obviously, things weren't meant to be between the two of us. In some bizarre sequence of events, fate made it so that we could be together."

"Do you blame me for Craig's death?"

"Of course not. There's enough of a good Catholic boy in me to attribute that one to God's purpose. That sounds like a cop-out, but I kind of like knowing that someone up there is watching out for all of us."

I hugged him tightly, and he brought his hand up to squeeze my arm. "So," he continued, "what more do you want?"

"You," I smiled. "I've never been this happy before. Sure, the girls are my life, but that completes paternal instinct. It doesn't do much for that feeling when things are going terribly wrong when you just want to be held by someone, not like a mother's touch--more intimate, more personal. That complete in sync-ness, if you will," I paused to watch his eyes roll, "that could let two people sit in a room for days without saying anything, not because they didn't want to, but because they didn't have to. I guess I just want a lover and a best friend."

"And?" he asked.

"And I found him," I smiled, kissing him again. "You had Craig, and I owe him more than I could ever repay by loving you the way he did, opening your heart for me."

"You would have liked him, you know?" he said proudly.

"I'm sure I would have." I paused for a second. "What about me?"

"What about you?"

"What would he have thought about me?"

"He wouldn't have liked you," he said without expression. Then, he smiled, "He would have loved you."

"Do you think you'll ever get married again, Josh?"

"Maybe. Is that a proposal?" he laughed.

"No," I laughed. "At least not yet."

"What about you?" he asked.

"What about me?"

"Do you think you'll ever get married again?"

I paused. "For the longest time, the answer to that would have been 'no,' but now I'm not so sure. I'm rapidly coming to the point where I can envision spending the rest of my life with you," I confessed. Lightening the mood, "So what are you doing for the next fifty or sixty years?"

"Spending them with you," he smiled, leaning up to kiss me again. He kissed the back of my left hand and played with my wedding band. "Do you still wear this everyday?"

"For over a decade now," I sighed wistfully.

"She was that important to you?"

"Yes and no. Not in the traditional way, at least. Obviously, she was the girls' mother, but she was my best friend as well. There was no pretense of sex, but otherwise, we would have been a great married couple," I laughed. "This ring was a promise I made to her that day. When we left the church, she made me swear that I'd never wear another until I found the right guy--I guess she always knew that if she couldn't make me happy, no other woman could."

"That's kind of weird," he grinned.

"I guess," I admitted. "But she was one hell of a woman. She and Kathy were a lot alike."

"God help us all."

"No kidding," I laughed. "Let's go inside."

"Okay," he sulked, finally leaning forward so I could breathe easily again.

We walked back inside to see Brian walking towards the bedroom while Kevin was walking out. "Things any better?" I asked Kevin.

"A little, I think . . . I hope, at least. Thanks," he halfheartedly smiled. Turning to JC, "And thank you."

"Anytime," JC smiled. "No Nobel Prizes in the near future, but I am good for advice from someone who's been there."

Kevin walked over to him and hugged him. He even gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "You are pretty good for that," he conceded. "Maybe you can talk some sense into those two."

"I'll do what we can," JC told him. "We all will, but mainly, it's just gonna take time."

"I just wish there was something I could do to take his mind off things."

"Maybe there is," I pondered aloud.

"Matt, what are you thinking?" they both asked me.

"Why don't we get out of here tonight?"

"Excuse me?" JC asked.

"Why don't we get some hotel rooms or something?"

"Excuse me?" Kevin echoed JC's earlier remark.

I rolled my eyes at both of them. "I'm not talking about a no-tell motel. I'm talking about going to a nice restaurant, and afterwards, we can stay at a nice hotel for a change of place."

"Honestly," Kevin granted, "the idea's kind of growing on me. Do you have any place in mind?"

"As a matter of fact, I do . . . ."

TO BE CONTINUED . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Please send all feedback to: m_n_hunter@hotmail.com. Comments and criticism are appreciated.