If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include love and sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. This is a love story and it will take a while to develop, so there won't be any love scenes in the first several chapters. If you're looking for a more sexual story, I've written a few of those. Ask me. If you're into romance, I hope this story pleases you.
I'd like to thank my friends in the Nifty Six for their support and encouragement, especially Tim for his advice and his editing assistance. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
Chapter Twelve
Ben
When I looked in the mirror Tuesday morning my first thought was that I wasn't leaving the house all week. The face looking back at me was too ugly to show to the world. My lower lip was swollen and split just to the left of center. Maybe Becky had been right. It looked like it was a big enough cut to need stitches. It had stopped bleeding by itself though, so maybe it would be okay. I just hoped it wouldn't leave a scar. The area surrounding my right eye was various shades of red, blue and purple. Apparently, the ice hadn't helped very much.
After letting Lula out I poured myself a cup of coffee and sipped it very carefully, trying not to press the mug against my lip. Nearly as much coffee was running down my chin as going into my mouth but I did manage to swallow some. My first impulse when I had seen my face was to call in sick, but as I woke up I realized that I didn't want to sit around the house alone all day. I knew I had a lot to think about but I needed a little time for what had happened the night before to sink in. I'd never been hit before and I was still in a bit of shock as well as a little pain. I had to decide what to do about Joey and his family but maybe going to work and keeping my mind otherwise engaged was a good idea for a couple of days until I could sort everything out.
I went into the office and buried myself in work. My coworkers readily accepted my story of falling and banging my head against the car and were sympathetic. It wasn't really a story, that's what happened. I just lied about the cause of my fall. That evening I stayed in and had a light dinner and lots of wine. Becky called to see how I was feeling and to report that Nicole had given birth to a healthy baby boy who they didn't name Benjamin. I didn't pay much attention to the details. I didn't feel much like talking or listening either. I told Becky that it hurt my mouth to talk (it did, a little) so she didn't stay on the phone long. I went back to my wine and my brooding. I wasn't doing much clear thinking. Every time I tried to think rationally about what had happened and what it meant I kept seeing Vinnie's fist coming at me.
By Wednesday evening my lip was feeling less sensitive but the area around my eye looked darker and much worse. A guy in my office said he'd had a few black eyes and predicted mine would start fading in another day or so. I stayed in with my wine again and this time tried to focus more on Joey's relationship with his family. A little after ten the phone rang. I assumed it was Becky but when I reached for it I saw Joey's number on the caller ID. I poured myself another glass of wine and let the answering machine get it. As much as I wanted to hear his voice I wasn't ready to talk to him. I had no idea where my head was and after several glasses of wine I was afraid I'd say the wrong thing. I got a lump in my throat when I heard him sing the Stevie Wonder line. Even though he was obviously just kidding, hearing him say 'I love you' hit me really hard.
Thursday I left work at lunchtime and drove to Kennedy airport to pick up Mother and Sam. Even though the black eye looked a little better, I'd considered using makeup to try to cover it up. I decided that while makeup might work from a distance, with the hugs and kisses of an airport reunion it wouldn't hide anything. Mother was concerned about my injuries but I assured her it looked worse than it was. Fortunately their flight was on time so we were able to get around the Belt Parkway and across Staten Island before rush hour traffic got too bad. Once Mother was convinced I was all right she talked non-stop about their trip through Spain and Portugal. Sam added a little something now and then but mostly his contribution to the conversation was to agree with Mother when she prompted him. I didn't hang around at their place long because they were tired from the flight and I wasn't in a very social mood.
Not long after I got home the phone rang and I saw it was Joey again. I knew he was probably wondering what was going on. Over the weekend I'd called him so many times. I couldn't help but smile as I thought of his voice each time he picked up the phone. Now I hadn't called him in three days. I listened as he left his message and then played it back several times, just to hear more of his voice.
I sat with my wine and thought all evening. I didn't come up with any answers, none that I liked anyway. Of course, the wine not only dulled the pain I was feeling, mostly emotional by now, but slowed my thought processes down as well. As I sipped a brandy nightcap I knew I was going to have to do something on Friday since we had made tentative plans to get together. I also knew the 'something' wasn't going to be pleasant.
I don't think I got much work done on Friday. All week I'd used my work as an excuse to not think about Joey but he was all I thought about on Friday. I knew I loved him. I wasn't sure if he loved me but I knew he cared a great deal. I thought there was a real possibility of us being able to form a deep, lasting relationship. Except...
If it were just the two of us in a void, I was sure we could be very happy. Even in my little world, Joey would fit right in. But in his world it just wouldn't work. I'd seen on Thanksgiving and then again on Monday night that it would be next to impossible for me to become a part of that huge family. Even a gay Joey would not fit in there.
So if I were to continue this relationship, I'd be asking Joey to give up his whole life for me. Even if he were willing to do that, and I wasn't sure he would, I wasn't worth it. I had so little to offer him. If you were to put me on one side of a scale and Joey's family and world on the other, there's no question which was more important. I knew I had to end it and get out of his life while I still could. I loved him and wanted him, but I had to do what was best for Joey, not for me. He'd been truly happy living a straight life before, one that fit into his world perfectly. He could do it again.
I had no appetite for dinner when I got home from work. I played with Lula for a while, trying to distract myself from what I knew I had to do. Finally, I put a few ice cubes in a highball glass and poured myself three fingers of Scotch. I rarely drank anything stronger than wine or brandy but I'd been through a lot of that this week and my body and brain were getting immune to it. I was trying to get up the courage to call Joey when he called me. I took a big gulp of liquid courage and picked up the phone.
"So, you're still alive. I was getting worried."
"Yeah, Joey, sorry I didn't return your calls. I was kinda busy this week."
"I know, between Becky and your mom I guess you didn't have much time. I just missed the sound of your voice."
"Well, actually, I did have some time to myself, and I used it to do a lot of thinking."
"Thinking? About what? Is something bothering you?"
"I've been thinking that maybe this isn't such a good idea after all."
"What isn't a good idea? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about us, Joey. I don't think this relationship is a good thing for either of us."
There was a long silence on the other end of the line. I took another gulp of Scotch and hurriedly went on, explaining why I thought we were wrong for each other (actually, why I was wrong for him) and how his life would work out so much better if he were with a woman, someone like Angie. He didn't say anything but I really didn't give him a chance. I didn't want any argument or discussion; I wanted him to understand that it just wouldn't work. I went on and on, mostly repeating myself, trying to get him to see. I finally had to stop for a few seconds to catch my breath.
"I don't understand where all of this is coming from, Ben. We've talked about this before, a few times. You know I like Angie, but as a friend. You're the one I want to be with, the one I l-, um, want to have a relationship with."
I'd been afraid that would be his reaction. Unfortunately, he was right; we had already gone over all of this before and had ended with a different conclusion. But I had to make him see how wrong I was for his life. I drained the glass and took a deep breath.
"Don't you get it, straight boy? We live in two different worlds. You're a nice church-going family man who needs a wife and kids. I'm a slut who's been with hundreds of guys and will hopefully have hundreds more. I'm a whore for cock, Joey, and I can't imagine ever settling down. You were a challenge, that's all. I never had a straight guy before. It was a nice fuck but that's all it was. Now that we've done it, it's time for me to move on. You've had your walk on the wild side. Go back to the safe little straight world you belong in."
Tears were streaming down my face and it felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest but I tried to keep my voice steady. I think all of the bottled up emotion probably made my voice sound nasty and harsh but maybe that was for the best. I had to turn Joey off, to turn him away from me. There was a long silence on the other end of the line, then what sounded like a quiet sob and a click, then nothing.
I hung up the phone and collapsed on the couch, curled up in a tight ball and let it all out. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and cried. As much as I was hurting I was aware that my words had hurt Joey as well and I hated myself for that, but it was the only way to drive him back to where he belonged. After a while, I became aware of Lula whining next to me. I got up and let her out, poured myself another Scotch and watched her as she just stood on the patio. I realized as I sipped that she'd been trying to comfort me, not asking to go out. I let her back in and sat on the couch. She jumped up along side me and nuzzled me.
"I love him so much, Lula. Why couldn't it have worked out? Why?"
Joey
I got home from work on Friday and since I still hadn't heard from Ben I assumed that whatever we were doing didn't include dinner so I ate with my parents. After helping Mom clean up I left Connor in the living room with Pop and went up to my room to call Ben.
I half expected to get his answering machine again but was thrilled to hear his live voice. At least I was thrilled until I heard what he was saying. I couldn't believe he wanted to break things off with me and was giving all those potential problems with my family as the reason, especially when he suggested I'd be better off with Angie. We'd talked all of this out ages ago and agreed that, while there would definitely be problems, this was what we both wanted and we could deal with them. I couldn't understand why he was bringing it all up again.
When I questioned him he turned nasty. I'd never heard him like that. I felt like he'd slapped me in the face. Actually, it was more like a kick in the gut. I was stunned. He described our relationship in such harsh cold terms. Was that how he'd felt all along? Was this all just some kind of game he'd been playing? I couldn't bring myself to say anything and when he finished his little tirade I knew I was going to cry, so I quickly hung up the phone.
I'd been sitting on the side of the bed so when I put down the phone I turned and lay down, burying my face in the pillow, and cried. I felt like wailing and thrashing around but remembered that my parents were downstairs so I just let it all out into the pillow as quietly as possible. After a while I calmed down, rolled over and stared at the ceiling. The pain I was feeling surprised me and only confirmed the depth of my feelings for Ben. I couldn't believe he meant any of what he had said but it still hurt and he'd made it clear that he wanted to end our relationship. I wasn't ready to give up that easily but I didn't know what I could do. I lay there lost in thought but couldn't get my mind to work right. My head was spinning from Ben's harsh attack.
I'd been hoping that Ben loved me the way I loved him. Of course, he'd been involved with lots of guys so maybe his feelings were a bit different, but I couldn't believe this had all been about getting me into bed, of adding another notch to his bedpost. Unfortunately, the timing of his apparent change of heart made it sound like that could be the case. He'd been so loving and so caring, but now, a week after we finally made love, he was dumping me. I thought about his words. He'd called it 'a nice fuck' but it had been so much more than that to me. I'd thought it was more to him as well. I felt like crying again but it was Connor's bedtime so I knew I had to get my act together to face my parents. I decided that this wasn't over but I'd have calm down and to give it some thought before getting in touch with Ben again.
Saturday I felt a little like a zombie at work. The first truckload of Christmas trees had arrived the day before so I was working the whole weekend. That was probably a good thing although since it was early in the season business wasn't very brisk so I had a lot of time to think. Anthony was the other family member working and I think he noticed how preoccupied I was. He kept giving me a concerned look and acted like he wanted to say something but was afraid to pry.
I wasn't in the mood for dinner with Angie but it had become a routine and I hadn't thought to cancel until it was too late. We went to the diner as usual and she spent most of the meal talking about a couple we knew from high school. They'd gotten married right around the same time as Jenny and me and Angie had heard at the salon that they'd just split up. I didn't really care about the gossip but Angie went on and on which left me to my own thoughts. Fortunately, Connor had one of his rare fussy nights and was acting up so badly I was able to cut the evening short. As I put Connor to bed I thought about Ben's comments about Angie and my life. There was no way my feelings for her were even remotely close to my feelings for Ben.
I went to early Mass on Sunday so I could open the nursery at noon. Vinnie was also working and though he wasn't usually the most sensitive guy in the family he noticed how distracted I was.
"You're looking really out of it, bro. Something on your mind?"
I couldn't confide in him, especially knowing how he felt toward Ben, but I had to talk to someone.
"I talked to Ben the other night and he said he didn't think our being friends was such a good idea. I thought we were getting along so great so I can't figure out what went wrong."
"I guess he got the message." My curiosity about that comment must have shown on my face so he explained. "Queers like him are only interested in one thing-dick. Most fags go for straight guys because they want a real man, not just another fag. Some look at getting a straight guy as a challenge. I guess once Ben realized he wasn't going to get you, he decided to move on."
"But Ben's not like that at all."
Actually, Ben had used almost the same words about me being a challenge and that had hurt, but hearing it from Vinnie made me realize what a lie it was. Vinnie continued to run down Ben but fortunately a couple of customers appeared and he went off with them. My mind was finally working on a new track as I realized the big fallacy in what Ben had said. He'd said it had all been about getting me into bed and once that was accomplished, he had no more interest in me. But we'd made love on Thursday, and for three days after that he had been more caring, more attentive and more romantic than ever before.
In fact, everything had gotten better and better through Monday night, which was possibly one of the nicest times we'd ever had at Angelo's. So it wasn't our having sex that had changed Ben. It had to be something long after that. But what? I hated to put Becky in the middle but she was my only hope at finding out what went wrong. She'd been with him Tuesday night so maybe she knew something. As soon as I got home from work I called her but her roommate said she'd been away at her sister's all week and wouldn't be back until Monday. It looked like I was going to have to wait. Maybe I could talk to Ben at bowling. It wasn't the ideal setting for a serious talk but at least I knew he'd be there. Maybe I could talk him into going to Angelo's.
Ben
After I got off the phone with Joey I really tied one on. I wasn't used to drinking hard liquor so it didn't take much to get completely wasted. Saturday morning I had a hangover but it had faded by lunchtime and I started drinking again, this time sticking with wine. I kept a good buzz going all afternoon and evening, dulling the pain I was feeling. Every time I thought of what I'd said to Joey, I could picture the pain in his eyes. I knew what I'd done was best for him in the long run but I still hated to think that I'd hurt him.
Sunday wasn't any better. I kept looking at Lula, wondering how dogs managed to sleep nearly twenty-four hours a day. I wanted to do that, just go to sleep and wake up several days later when the pain was gone. Since I couldn't manage that much sleep, I stuck with the wine. Monday morning I was hung over again so I called in sick. I hadn't shaved or showered all weekend and I was starting to smell but I didn't care. I knew I had to pull myself together and go on with life but I just wasn't ready. I was hoping that the pain I was feeling would fade to a dull ache that I could live with. Around six o'clock I called Scott and told him I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be at bowling. I was actually feeling a little better (maybe it was the wine) but there was no way I was ready to face Joey. I was thinking that I might have to drop out of the league altogether since I might never be ready to face him again.
I decided that I'd get up early in the morning and clean myself up and go back to work. I spent the evening snuggling on the couch with Lula and a glass of wine, wishing it was Joey in my arms instead of my four-legged friend. Around ten the phone rang. I didn't even have to look to know it was Joey. It was just about the time we'd be at Angelo's. I let it go to the answering machine and was surprised to hear it was Becky and that she had heard the news. I wasn't ready to deal with her interrogation yet. A few minutes later the phone rang again. This time it was Joey. He kept asking me to pick up the phone but I wasn't about to talk to him either. Why couldn't he just accept that it was over?
Joey
I was disappointed when Ben's teammates told me he wasn't going to show up at bowling but I wasn't surprised. I managed to get through my three games and went over to Angelo's. I wasn't really expecting Ben to be there but still I hoped he might turn up. The place was nearly empty when I got there and Angelo was surprised to see that I was alone.
"No Ben tonight, Joey? What's up?"
"I don't know, Uncle Angelo. He wasn't at bowling. He told his teammates that he wasn't feeling well."
"Well, I hope he's okay. I'm glad you met up with him. He's good for you, Joey. He makes you happy and that's what I like to see. You seem to make him happy, too. Hang onto him."
"I'm sure going to try."
I was a little surprised, not by what he'd said but the way he'd said it. He seemed to realize that there was more than friendship going on between Ben and me and he was trying to let me know that it was okay with him. Of course, he'd had lots of time to observe us when we were together, not paying too much attention to anyone but each other, so I guess it wasn't hard for him to figure us out.
I decided to try calling Becky again. Her roommate had said she'd be getting in late so maybe I could reach her.
"Hey, Joey, what a nice surprise. Aren't you supposed to be at Angelo's with Ben right about now?"
"Yeah, I'm here but Ben isn't. That's why I'm calling. Ben broke up with me Friday night." My throat tightened up as I said those words.
"Broke up? No way! What are you talking about?"
"I wish I knew. Everything was going great when I saw him last Monday but then when I called him Friday he dumped me and wasn't very nice about it either."
"That doesn't sound like Ben at all. He's crazy about you. Besides, he'd never break up over the phone. That's just not him."
"Yeah, well, that's what he did. I was hoping maybe you knew something about what was going on in his head last week but your roommate said you've been away."
"Sorry, but I don't know anything. I haven't seen him since he got home from Angelo's last week. He didn't say anything about you but he was pretty much out of it because of his injuries. Then I talked to him a couple of times during the week but since it hurt for him to talk we kept it short."
"Injuries? Hurt for him to talk? What are you talking about?"
"He didn't tell you? Apparently he slipped on some ice in the parking lot and banged his head against his car. His face was pretty beat up. I wanted him to go to the emergency room but he wouldn't go."
"He didn't say anything about it but the only time we talked after that was Friday when he broke things off."
"Well, I'm going to call him and get to the bottom of this. I'll let you know what I find out. How are you dealing with all of this?"
"Not well at all, Becky."
"Well, don't worry, baby. Now that I'm home I'll straighten everything out."
After I hung up I thought about what Becky had said for a minute. I remembered it had turned colder last Monday but I hadn't noticed any ice in the parking lot. I went over to the bar to see Angelo.
"Did you happen to see Ben fall in the parking lot after we left last week?"
"Fall? No. I looked out the window a few minutes after you boys left and saw him talking to John and Vinnie but that was all. When I looked out a few minutes later they were all gone."
"John and Vinnie were here?"
"Yeah, I thought they were stopping by for a drink but they didn't come in. I thought that was strange."
I thought it was strange, too. Then the pieces fell into place. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. Vinnie and John didn't like Ben at all and didn't like me hanging out with him. They'd shown up at Angelo's after I'd left and talked to Ben, then a few minutes later Ben arrived at home looking 'beat up.' After that, Ben decided we shouldn't see each other any more.
I looked at my watch. John and Vinnie would probably still be at the bar at the bowling alley and I felt like beating the crap out of both of them. But I was concerned about Ben and really needed to talk to him. I took out my phone and called but he wouldn't pick up. I left some money on the table for my beer, waved goodbye to Angelo and took off, heading for Florham Park. He could ignore the phone calls but he couldn't avoid me banging on his door.
Ben
The doorbell rang and I ignored it. I wasn't in the mood to see or talk to anyone. After a minute I heard banging on the front door and tried to decide if it sounded like Becky's fist or Joey's. I was a little tipsy from the wine and staggered a bit as I walked to the door and looked out the peephole. Joey. I could deal with Becky, but not Joey. I decided that he'd give up after a while and went back to the couch in the family room. After a few minutes the banging stopped. I was just starting to relax when the door from the garage opened and Joey walked in.
"What do you want? How did you get in?"
"I'm the one who suggested where you should hide the spare key to the garage last summer when we were putting up your fence, remember? So what's going on here, Ben? I think I know what happened after I left Angelo's last week but I want to hear it from you."
How could he know? No one saw what happened and I was sure his brothers wouldn't say anything. From the message she'd left I knew Becky had talked to Joey but even she didn't know what happened. Joey had to be guessing and he might be all wrong. At any rate, I wasn't going to rat on his brothers.
"Nothing happened except that I fell. I don't know what you're talking about."
Between not shaving or bathing and the fading bruises around my eye I must have looked like hell. Joey was looking at me closely and looked very concerned.
"I know that you ran into John and Vinnie last week, you got hurt and then you broke up with me."
"You're jumping to a lot of conclusions, Joey. Those three things don't have anything to do with each other."
"Yeah, right. It all makes sense to me but I'm disappointed in you, Ben. I could kill my brothers for hurting you, but I thought I meant something to you. I didn't think you'd turn away from me so easily."
I could see the hurt in his eyes and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I burst into tears. Joey sat next to me and took me in his arms, holding me, stroking my head, murmuring soothing words in my ear. I just completely fell apart. After a very long time I struggled to pull myself together.
"I'm sorry, Joey. It wasn't like that. I may be a little afraid of Vinnie and John, but I don't care what they do to me. I just didn't want to ruin your life. I love you so much. More than anything I want you to be happy and being with me would fuck up your life and make you miserable."
"I love you, too, Ben, and being without you is what will make me miserable."
"You love me?" I couldn't quite believe it, especially after the way I'd treated him.
"Yes, Ben, I'm totally, madly, head-over-heels in love with you." He held my face in his hands and looked me in the eye. "I think about you all day and dream about you at night. I am never so happy as when I am with you. I love every minute we're together. I know we agreed to go slow but not communicating seems to be messing everything up."
"I'm just as in love with you but I haven't quite been able to believe that you're not straight and that you might possibly love me. Besides, I'm not good enough for someone as wonderful as you."
"Why would you think that? You're the sweetest guy I've ever known."
"Well, I can be a trashy queen at times and I've slept around quite a bit. You're such a decent guy. I couldn't believe you could love me."
"I think I've gotten to know you pretty well over the past few months and you're a decent guy too, you know. Don't ever think you're not."
"If you say so. You seem to know better than me about most things so I'll have to take your word for it."
Joey
When I first walked into Ben's house I couldn't believe how bad he looked. His clothes were rumpled and his hair was a dirty mess. While he didn't have a very heavy beard he had patches of stubble all over his face. I could also make out the faded bruises near his eye and anger toward my brothers welled up inside me.
It quickly became obvious that he was in even worse emotional condition. He wouldn't tell me exactly what had gone on with John and Vinnie but he didn't deny my assumptions. It didn't matter. Once we opened up and told each other how deeply we felt, that was all that counted. As our relationship had developed, I'd always let Ben take the lead because he was older and so much more experienced. I'd realized that deep down he was a bit insecure, but even so I was surprised to see how fragile he was. I tried to reassure him as much as I could and held him for a long time. After a while, though, his days of not showering got to me.
"No offense, Ben, but I think you're a bit overdue for a shower."
"I know it would make me feel so much more human, but I think I'm a little too tipsy to risk it."
"Yeah, I noticed the recycling bin in the garage was getting pretty full. I think you've had enough wine for a while."
"You'd better believe it." He got a sly look in his eye. "Think you could give me a hand in the shower, maybe hold me up a bit?"
"If I didn't know better, I'd say you planned this. Okay, I'll help you out, but no funny business. Remember, I'm an innocent straight boy."
He smirked at me. "Yeah, right."
To be continued...