I know this took a long time and to anyone who was waiting for it, I'm sorry. Thanks to Drea and Lauren for being the first to send feedback, I hope you guys like this chapter. And of course millions and millions of thank yous to Aaron for encouraging me and repeatedly asking why I haven't sent in my next chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't know N Sync, I don't know if they're gay or not and my story is complete fiction. Obviously.
Chapter Two
Justin woke up in his hotel room and stretched out across the bed. He looked at the clock. It was five in the morning. He hadn't had a good night's sleep.
He had waited in JC's room for a long time. When JC finally came out of the bathroom he looked like hell. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was tear stained. He had refused to talk to Justin and went straight to bed. Justin had worried about him all night, scared that JC wouldn't talk.
Justin was also worried about what he was feeling for JC. JC had been like a big brother to him for as long as he could remember. And Justin had always liked girls. He never even remotely had feelings for another guy before. But here he was and all he could think about was JC Chasez and his beautiful blue eyes. It was confusing. Justin knew JC was gay and he hadn't ever given it a second thought. It didn't really matter to him who JC wanted to sleep with. Now Justin was wishing it was him who JC wanted to sleep with.
That was another weird thing. Justin always thought that sex with a guy would be gross. But he wanted JC badly. He wanted to rip off his clothes and touch every part of his body.
Justin knew he couldn't go to any of the guys about this. And if he talked to Sara there was a chance she would tell JC. He decided that it would be best to tell Christina. He had known her for a long time and he knew he could tell her anything. Plus she would understand what he was going through.
Justin quickly got dressed and tied a blue bandana over his unruly blonde hair. Then he walked down the hall toward Sara and Christina's room. He felt a little bad waking them up so early, especially after the noises he heard last night, but he couldn't wait anymore. He lifted up his hand and knocked on the door. He heard some muffled whispering and movement.
"Don't answer it," a groggy voice from behind the door said.
"But it's Justin," the other voice replied.
The door opened and Justin saw Christina wearing nothing but a white sheet wrapped around her body. Her hair was a big mess.
"Justin, it's like five thirty, what do you want?" she asked.
"Look, I need to talk to someone, it's super important, " Justin replied.
Christina saw the worry in his eyes and knew that something was seriously wrong.
"Okay, just give me five minutes and I'll be at your room."
Justin nodded and walked back to his hotel room. Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Justin got up and let Christina in. She still looked tired. She took his hand and they sat down on the bed together.
"I'm sorry," Justin said, "I didn't meant to bother you guys."
"It's okay," Christina replied, "If something's bothering you, I want you to talk to me about it."
"Yeah, I know," Justin said.
"So you wanna tell me what's wrong?" Christina asked.
"It's JC," Justin began, "I..."
"Sara told me he was upset last night. She didn't tell me why though."
"Yeah, but it isn't about that. I mean, I'm worried about him, but it's something else that's bothering me," Justin said.
"Something else about JC?" Christina asked.
"Yeah," Justin said.
"What is it?" Christina asked.
"Well..." Justin shifted uncomfortably, "I just...I don't know how to say this."
"Calm down, and tell me when you're ready. I'm here for you no matter what," Christina told him.
"I think I...have feelings for JC," Justin said softly, keeping his head down.
Christina smiled and squeezed Justin's hand. She had thought he might have a thing for JC, but wasn't sure if he'd admit it.
"What kind of feelings?" Christina asked.
"I...I think I'm...I'm in love with him." Justin stammered.
Christina lifted Justins' chin so that he was looking into her eyes.
"Justin you know that's nothing to be ashamed of, right?" she asked.
"I know that, it's just...confusing right now."
"Because you've never felt like this about another guy before?" Christina said.
Justin nodded and started fiddling with his hands.
"It's just that he's the only thing I think about," Justin began, babbling nervously, "and when I'm around him I feel so happy and good, but it feels wrong like, I don't know, like it shouldn't be happening."
"Do you want to be with him?" Christina asked.
Justin looked up at her, startled.
"Yes. Yeah, I do. I really, really do."
"Then tell him how you feel," Christina said.
"I can't," Justin replied.
"Why not? I did it with Sara. Well actually, I showed her how I felt, but still," Christina said.
"What would I do if I told him I loved him and couldn't live without him and then he just laughed in my face and didn't feel the same way back?" Justin asked.
"JC would never ever laugh at you, Justin. And you have to take a chance," Christina replied.
"How do you know JC wouldn't laugh at me?" Justin asked.
"Because," Christina answered, "he just wouldn't. That's not how JC is and you know it. Even if he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him, he would never make you feel bad about it. And he won't stop being friends with you."
"I'm so scared though," Justin whispered.
Christina moved closer to Justin and put her arm around his shoulders.
"What exactly is it that you're so scared of?" she asked.
Justin looked at Christina and she was shocked by the look on his face. He looked lost and alone, which wasn't something she'd ever seen from him before.
"I'm scared that he's it for me," Justin said, "I'm scared that there's no one in the world I'll ever love like I love JC. I'm scared that if I'm not with him then I'll be alone for the rest of my life."
"Justin..." Christina said, trying to soothe him.
"There's nothing you can say to make it better," Justin said, his voice catching in his throat as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"No, you're right, there isn't anything I can say. Because this is up to you. If JC is so important to you, then how can you sit around here and do nothing? Don't you wanna take a chance? What if JC has feelings for you, but you're too chicken to speak up? Then you're gonna spend your whole life without your one true love just because you didn't have the courage to tell him your feelings."
"I can't," Justin said.
"Yes, Justin, you can," Christina replied, "I know you can. I'll be here for you the entire time."
"But if JC had feelings for me, wouldn't he tell me? Because he hasn't yet," Justin said.
"Justin, JC doesn't know you're gay! What the hell is he supposed to do, come up to his straight best friend and say, 'Hey, what's up? I know you don't like guys, but I'm in love with you.'? That would be stupid!" Christina said, getting exasperated.
"Christina, don't say that," Justin said quietly.
"Don't say what?"
"Don't call me gay," he replied.
"Why?" Christina asked.
"Because, I'm...I'm not," he said.
"Justin..."
"I know. You think I'm in denial. But I'm not, I'm just not ready yet," Justin said.
"What do you mean?" Christina asked.
"Well, it's easy to say I'm in love with JC, because I am. I know I am. That's just the truth and there's no way around it. But saying I'm...gay, well that's more complicated. This is the first time I've ever felt this way about a guy. My whole life I've been attracted to girls and I've had relationships with them. And now that I want to have a relationship with JC, well that doesn't automatically change everything. I haven't started checking out guys to see if they're hot or not. And I don't think I ever will. I still find women attractive, though. So really, how can I say I'm gay? It doesn't make sense," Justin paused for awhile while Christina thought about what he said.
"What about you?" he continued, "do you just like girls now?"
"Well I guess I'm different from you," Christina said, "I always liked girls. For as long as I can remember. I pretended to like guys, but that was only because I thought it was the right thing to do. And when I met Sara, I knew I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't hide what I was because I had to be with her. There was no other way for me. I just realized one night that if I let her walk out of my life I would be miserable and I would end up hating myself."
"See, we aren't that different," said Justin.
"Yeah," Christina said, "but now you have to follow in my footsteps. If you tell JC you love him and he doesn't love you back, the only thing that will happen is that he'll say he's sorry and that he doesn't want it to afftect your friendship in any way. And at least then you'll know."
"But it'll hurt worse than anything," Justin said.
"For awhile. But you'll deal with it," Christina told him.
"No, I won't!" Justin said, as he started to pace the room, "I won't just deal with it. Don't you understand? If it isn't JC I wake up beside on my fiftieth birthday, then I'd rather not wake up at all. Ever."
"Well if you don't tell him, then you won't have the chance to wake up with him. And trust me, the pain of not knowing is going to be a lot worse than the pain of being rejected," Christina said. Then she got up and walked out the door. She knew that if she left Justin alone to think about things for awhile, he'd eventually come around.
*** JC sat straight up in his bed. Like Justin he hadn't slept much. He had been lying awake for hours, imagining what it would be like to spend a night with Justin. To press his lips against Justin's soft full ones, to run his fingers through Justin's silky curls, to feel his naked skin against Justin's hard body. That was all JC wanted. Even if it was only one night, it would be worth it.
It was getting harder and harder for him to ignore the way he felt about Justin. And it wasn't even just how sexy he was either. JC truly and honestly loved Justin. He wanted to hold him and protect him from everything that hurt him. Sometimes Justin seemed so fragile. He was still young and even though he'd been in the business for a long time, he managed to maintain a small amount of innocence. JC loved it when Justin got that naive look in his eyes. Like he would trust anyone. JC wanted to be cynical when Justin couldn't. He wanted to make sure that nobody ever took advantage of his little curly haired angel.
"Stop it!" JC said to himself, "I can't keep torturing myself like this!" He got out of bed and quickly pulled on some clothes. He decided that he needed to go and get a newspaper or something. Anything to take his mind off of Justin.
When JC opened the door, he saw Christina coming out of Justin's room across the hall.
"Hey JC," Christina said, giving him a sympathetic smile, "you look like you didn't get much sleep."
"Uh, no I had a few things on my mind. What are you doing in Justin's room so early?" JC asked.
"Oh, he just needed to talk to me about some things," Christina said, waiting to see what JC's reaction was. But she didn't get much of a reaction.
"Oh," was all JC said. Christina decided to push him a little bit.
"He's worried about you, you know," she said.
"Justin?" JC asked.
"Yeah. He didn't really say much, only that you were upset last night." This was a lie, but Christina had a feeling she knew what JC was upset about and she wanted to confirm her suspiscions.
"Well, it's not a big deal. He doesn't need to worry. I was just a bit run down and I didn't know how to deal with it," JC said.
"Okay," Christina said, "I hope you're feeling better. But talk to Justin. He needs to know what's going on. I, on the other hand have a naked woman in my bed that I need to get back to!"
With that she kissed JC on the cheek and continued her walk down the hall to her own hotel room. JC laughed at her boldness, despite his miserable mood. He stopped laughing however, when he realized he was standing right outside Justin's hotel room, and he really did owe him some sort of an explanation, even if it was only the fact that he couldn't give him one. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" Justin asked quietly.
"It's..it's me," JC said. He heard some hasty movements and then the door opened. Justin looked pretty much the same as JC. His hair was a mess and he had bags under his eyes. Only, Justin's face was a bit red, as if he had been crying. JC decided that it was probably just from lack of sleep, and despite all of this he still found Justin to be the most beautiful thing he had ever looked at in his life.
"Come in," Justin said with an awkward smile. He was surprised to see JC, but extremely happy. JC walked past Justin and sat down in a chair. Justin closed the door and sat down on the bed opposite him.
"So..." Justin said, "how are you?"
"I'm...okay," JC replied.
Neither said anything for about a minute, until JC broke the silence.
"Look, I'm really sorry Justin," he said.
"You don't have to be sorry Josh, I'm just really worried about you," Justin replied.
"I know and I don't want you to be. I'm really okay. It's just that I've got a lot of things on my mind right now and they aren't things I can talk about," JC said.
Justin looked down at his hands.
"I..." Justin began.
"What?" JC asked, "what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry JC, what did I do?" Justin said, not looking up.
"What are you talking about?" JC asked.
"Whenever you're upset, you come to me to talk about it. You've never run away from me before. What did I do wrong, Josh? What did I do to make you think you couldn't trust me?" Justin said quietly, his voice starting to shake.
JC actually felt his heart breaking when Justin said that. When he said his name in that quiet, helpless whisper it almost brought tears to his eyes. He quickly got up and went and sat beside Justin on the bed. He slid his arms around Justin's body and held him close. Justin melted into JC's arms. He felt protected and loved.
"How could you ever think that?" JC asked, pulling away and tilting Justin's chin up so both pairs of eyes met, "Of course I trust you. You never did anything wrong."
"Then why won't you talk to me?" Justin asked.
"Because it's complicated," JC replied, "this time it's different. It's something that I'm just not ready to tell you."
"But you told Sara," Justin said.
"Yeah, I did," JC said.
"So you trust her more than you trust me?" Justin asked with an innocent look in his eyes.
JC gave an exasperated sigh and leaned back on the bed.
"That's not it Justin, you and Sara are the two most important people in my life besides my family and I don't trust either of you more than the other," he said.
"Well that's what it feels like," Justin said.
"I don't want to hurt you at all. You know that's the last thing I would ever intentionally do. But right now you have to trust me," JC told him.
Justin looked down again and thought for awhile. It worried him that JC wouldn't tell him what was wrong. This was the first time he had ever kept something that was bothering him from Justin. But Justin did trust JC and he knew that there had to be a reason he was keeping this to himself. Besides, JC could handle things by himself a lot better than Justin ever could. He was the strong one.
"Okay, I trust you," Justin said, looking back up, "but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna worry about you, okay?"
"Okay," JC said with a smile.
"And I don't want this to be a habit either!"
"Yes sir, whatever you say!" JC said, in mock seriousness.
They both started laughing and JC felt a big sense of relief. As long as him and Justin could laugh together, things would be alright. When they both stopped laughing, there was a comfortable silence in the room.
"JC?" Justin suddenly said.
"Yeah?"
"Will you promise me something?" he asked.
"Well, that depends on what it is," JC replied.
"I want you to promise me that one day, whenever you're ready, you'll tell me what it is that's going on. Even if it gets fixed and it isn't affecting you at all anymore, I wanna know. Okay?" Justin asked.
JC closed his eyes and took a deep breath. If he promised this, it would mean that some day, somewhere down the line, he would have to tell Justin how he felt about him. And he couldn't break a promise to Justin. He didn't even know if he could deny him this promise, if only because it would make him feel a tiny bit better. He didn't want Justin to worry about him. And he knew that if he opened his eyes right then, he would see Justin's innocent face staring at him, hoping that he'd say yes.
JC opened his eyes.
"First, I have to ask you something," he said.
"Okay," Justin replied.
"Would you want to know, even if it was something that would upset you? If it was something that could affect our friendship?" JC asked.
"JC, nothing in the world could ever make me not be your friend. No matter how bad it is, we can work through it. We have too much history now for that to change. This isn't something that's gonna pass, is it?" Justin said.
"No," JC replied, "this isn't gonna pass. It'll be with me for the rest of my life."
"It kills me that I can't help you with this," Justin said.
"I know. And I'm sorry."
"Just promise me you'll tell me. I can wait until you're ready," Justin told him.
"Alright," JC said, "I promise that I'll tell you, one day when I'm ready."
Justin smiled at JC and JC bit his lip, slowly realizing what he had just done. There was no escaping it now. At some point in his life, he would tell Justin Timberlake that he was in love with him.
BANG BANG BANG!!!!
JC and Justin both jumped when they heard someone pounding on the door.
"Justin?" a voice asked from outside the door, "are you in there?"
It was Lance Bass. Justin got up to answer the door.
"Hang on, hang on, I'm coming," he said.
"Is JC in there, too? He's not in his room," Lance said.
"Yeah, he's here," Justin said as he opened the door.
"Okay, well we gotta get moving, we have rehearsal in like fifteen minutes and it's gonna take at least thirty to get there," Lance said, pausing to look at his friends, "Hey, you two look like shit."
"Gee, thanks Lance," JC told him, getting up from the bed.
"I was just trying to warn you," Lance replied.
"Well next time don't," Justin said.
The three guys started to walk down the hall toward the elevator. When they turned the corner they saw Sara and Christina blatantly making out where anyone could see them. JC cleared his throat loudly. Both girls jumped and quickly pulled apart.
"Holy shit you guys, I almost had a heart attack!" Sara said.
"Well what in God's name were you thinking?" JC asked, "What if it was someone else who came around this corner? It would be on the front page of every newspaper!"
The girls looked down sheepishly, but Christina had an impish grin on her face. Suddenly she looked up with a serious look on her face.
"Aye aye, captain Chasez!" she said with a salute.
Everyone burst out laughing, except JC. But after awhile, even he couldn't hold it in. The elevator door opened with a ding. Chris and Joey were in it, looking like they had been hit by a semi. Both of them had messy hair and were wearing dark sunglasses.
"You two look worse than Justin and JC," Lance said.
"Ha ha, very funny," Chris replied.
"What did you two do last night?" Justin asked.
"Well, Joey here had the bright idea to go clubbing when we had rehearsal at Seven O'clock the next morning!" Chris said.
"Whatever man, you were all for it last night," Joey replied, "and I didn't hear you complaining when you were grinding with that blonde chick on the dance floor for an hour!"
"We're gonna be late," JC said.
Everyone filed into the elevator to go downstairs where the vans were waiting. JC closed his eyes when Justin pressed up against him. It was hard for him to keep his self control when Justin was this close.
Christina pressed the main floor button and the elevator doors closed. The elevator started to move and Justin stumbled back into JC a bit. Instinctively JC put an arm around Justin's waist to steady him.
"Oops, sorry," Justin said, steadying himself. It felt good to have JC that close.
All of a sudden the lights in the elevator went out and it came to an abrupt halt. Everyone got jumbled around and Justin went falling back into JC's arms.