Hi everyone! I took a long time again. I apologize. But I was out of town for awhile and then when I got back I had some difficulty writing. Most of the difficulty came from the fact that there's more sexual content in this chapter (don't get your hopes up, I said sexual CONTENT, not actual sex) than in any of the others. I had to keep re-writing it to make it sound better. I'm still a bit unsure, so if you think it totally sucks, just tell me. Also, to anyone who e-mailed me, I got really behind when I was away so I have no clue who I need to reply to and all that so I'm really sorry, just write to me and yell at me!!! I'm running short on time here, so I'll just say thanks to everyone who's given me compliments, complaints, death threats and marriage proposals! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't know/own 'N Sync. Enough said.
Chapter 8
JC sat on his bed, stunned. For some reason he couldn't move. Everything in his head was a big mess. He was still thinking about the kiss.
The kiss.
It had been amazing. More amazing than JC had ever imagined it would be. It kept playing over and over in his head. He could still feel Justin's lips on his. And the fact that it was Justin who kissed him and not the other way around had not escaped him. At the time he had thought Justin wanted him and it had been perfect and wonderful and good. No other kiss had ever been better than that one.
But Justin had run away. He had looked at JC with fear in his eyes. Justin didn't want him after all. It was a big mistake. And that hurt him like nothing else in the world.
JC put his head in his hands. He knew he should go after Justin, but he couldn't. He couldn't face him right now. He'd have to stand there while Justin told him how wrong he'd been and how he hadn't meant to kiss him like that. And JC wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he cried in front of Justin. That would mean letting Justin know how much pain he was in, and Justin would feel incredibly guilty if he thought it was his fault. JC didn't want Justin to be upset and he didn't want Justin to feel sorry for him. He'd just wait until they had both calmed down, and he'd go and talk to Justin rationally.
JC got up from his bed and went into the bathroom to wash his face. He felt weird and almost numb. It was like nothing had registered yet. He looked at himself in the mirror and his eyes looked empty. He blinked a few times, thinking something would change. But it didn't. He was still standing there, alone. And Justin was gone. JC didn't know where he went, but he was gone.
He let himself sink down to the bathroom floor, and he sat there in silence, his eyes wide open and staring straight ahead. He didn't know why he wasn't crying.
Justin ran down the hallway, not wanting to stop. He turned the corner and collided with an extremely large, beefy man. He looked up to see Tony, one of 'N Sync's security guards.
"Get out of my way," Justin said, trying to push past.
Tony effortlessly held Justin in place.
"You're not going anywhere," he said, "I've been instructed to keep you all inside until tomorrow morning."
"I said MOVE!" Justin repeated, pushing a little harder.
"And I said you're staying here!"
"I can have you fired, you know, you better do what I say!" Justin yelled, getting angrier by the second.
Just then Christina, Sara and Lance walked around the corner, returning from the party. Christina quickly grabbed Justin's arm and gently pulled him away from Tony.
"Justin, what's going on?" she asked, turning him to face her.
"HE won't let me out!" Justin said, pointing at Tony.
Christina shot Tony a confused glance.
"I was told not to let anyone out," he said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Justin, you know we aren't supposed to leave the hotel until tomorrow morning. If there's something you need I'm sure someone will get it for you," Christina said.
"I just want to get out of here! When did I lose my fucking freedom?" Justin yelled, exasperated.
"Calm down Justin, let's just go to my room and talk, okay?" Christina said.
Justin leaned back against the wall, knowing he wasn't going to be let out.
"I'll just go hang out in Lance's room for a bit, okay?" Sara said.
Christina nodded as Sara and Lance walked past her. She took Justin's hand and pulled him over to the door of her hotel room. She fumbled with the key for a bit and then let Justin in first. He went and flopped himself down in a chair, a seemingly permanent scowl on his face.
"What on earth is going on?" Christina asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," Justin replied.
Christina sighed as she sat down on one of the beds beside Justin.
"You'll feel better if you do," she said, "and you may as well get it over with because I'm not leaving you alone until you talk."
Justin whispered something under his breath that Christina couldn't make out.
"What did you say?" she asked.
Justin looked up at her, tears brimming in his eyes.
"I kissed Josh," he said.
Chritina's first reaction was to congratulate him, but she stopped herself when she remembered that Justin was angry. It didn't make sense.
"And what happened?" Christina asked.
Justin's tears started to roll down his cheeks. He tried to say something, but he couldn't get it out. Instead he just shook his head. Christina was worried. This wasn't supposed to happen. She got up and reached her hand out to touch Justin's arm.
"Don't touch me," he said, pulling back.
Christina stopped and sat back down.
"I want to help you Justin, I just don't know what to do. You have to talk to me," she said.
"I can't," Justin replied.
"Yes you can. Let it out," Christina coaxed him gently.
"He doesn't want me," Justin whispered.
And then he started bawling like a five year old child who got pushed off the slide at the playground. Only there was so much more emotion behind his tears. Christina felt helpless. She had no idea what to do. It was disconcerting to see a grown man crying the way Justin was.
Christina got up and moved toward Justin, hoping he wouldn't pull away again. He didn't. In fact, he did the exact opposite, pulling Christina toward him. She rubbed his back and let him cry on her, unable to stop a few stubborn tears form falling from her own eyes.
JC awoke the next morning on the bathroom floor. He couldn't remember how long he had been there and he hadn't meant to fall asleep. His neck was sore and he was freezing. He pulled himself up and stretched. He glanced at himself in the mirror, not too interested in the skinny, tired looking man with dark circles around his eyes that was staring back at him.
Today was going to be a long day. He would have to face Justin and there was nothing he could do about it. They'd be on a bus together all day long. JC decided that he was going to make things right again. He wouldn't be able to stand it if he and Justin couldn't even be friends.
He quickly had a shower and got dressed. Then he packed up all the last minute odds and ends and pulled his luggage out of the door. He left it in the hall, knowing that somebody was supposed to pick it up for him. Then he went back into his room to do a final check. Everything seemed to be spotless and there was nothing left in the room that belonged to him.
JC turned back to the door and stepped into the hallway. Suddenly the door across from him opened and Justin stepped out. JC tried not to gasp at his appearance. He looked like he had been run over by a truck. Their eyes met briefly and then Justin quickly looked away. He left his luggage in the hall, closed the door behind him and started to walk away.
"Justin..." JC said.
"Don't," Justin replied, stopping in his tracks, but not turning around, "I'm not ready."
"Okay," JC whispered.
Justin kept walking and JC waited a bit, until Lance came by.
"Hey, what's up?" Lance greeted him.
"Not much," JC replied, trying to smile.
"Are you feeling okay?" Lance asked.
"Yeah, why?" JC asked.
"You just look tired."
"I am."
"Where's Justin?"
"Already gone, I guess."
Lance was worried. JC was acting weird and he and Justin went everywhere together. It was odd that Justin hadn't waited for JC to go down to the bus with him.
"Are you ready to get going?" Lance asked.
"Yeah," JC said.
The two of them went down to the bus together and climbed on. Joey and Chris were sitting at the table looking half asleep.
"Good morning!" Lance said cheerfully as he sat down beside Joey.
Chris mumbled something grumpily and Joey didn't even bother replying at all.
"Where's Justin?" Lance asked.
"He went straight to his bunk," Chris said.
"He looked like shit," Joey added.
Lance laughed.
"That sounded pretty stupid coming from you two," he said.
"Ha ha, very funny," Chris said.
"If you can believe it he actually looked a million times worse than we do," Joey said.
JC stood by listening to his band mates talk. His eyes kept wandering further down the long bus to where he knew Justin was hidden away in his bunk. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to be alone, yet he didn't think it would be smart to go to his own bunk, which was directly on top of Justin's.
"JC?" Lance said.
"Yeah?"
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Um, yeah, like I said, I'm just tired."
"Maybe you should get some sleep before the show."
JC just nodded and walked toward his bunk. If he pulled the curtain closed Justin probably wouldn't even know he was there. He slipped his shoes off and pulled himself up. He laid back and closed his eyes, hoping for even a few minutes of sleep. He just didn't want to have to think about anything anymore. But it was hard to clear his mind when he knew Justin was sleeping directly below him.
Justin woke up to the distinct sounds of someone moaning. It took him awhile to realize that he was still on the bus. He knew he had been rude that morning, pushing past Joey and Chris without even saying anything. He just couldn't face anybody.
He remembered talking to Christina the night before. Well actually, he hadn't done much talking, just crying. And then this morning he had seen JC, leaving his hotel room. He had tried to get away as quickly as possible, tried not to look into his pretty blue eyes.
But JC had stopped him. He had said his name. And it made Justin want to cry. Just hearing his own name fall from JC's perfect pink lips had made him want to turn around and fall into his arms. Normally that's what he would have done. But this time he couldn't do that. Because he had screwed everything up.
Justin struggled not to cry. He had done enough crying. His attention turned back to the barely audible moaning that had woken him up. He pulled back the curtain and peeked out. He could hear Lance, Chris and Joey laughing at the front of the bus. Then he looked down to the floor in front of him. There, beside his own shoes, placed neatly beside eachother, were JC's sneakers.
Justin quickly pulled his head back into his bunk, his eyes as wide as saucers. He realized the sound was coming from above him. That was JC's bunk. And JC's shoes were on the floor beside his. He tried to breathe deeply as thoughts ran through his head. Was JC masturbating? On the bus?
No, he couldn't have been. JC wouldn't do that, would he? Just thinking about it made Justin hard. Maybe JC was just having a bad dream.
Slowly, Justin pulled himself out of his bunk, trying not to make any noise. He didn't know what he was doing. It was as if someone else was moving him. His mind was screaming at him that he was crazy, but at the same time his eyes were glazed over with lust. He couldn't get the image of JC touching himself out of his head.
Justin carefully stepped onto the floor of the bus, thankful that the other guys were being so loud. His heart was beating a million times a second as he pulled back the curtain to JC's bunk.
Justin had to bite his lip to keep from gasping. There, spread out before him like a banquet in a five star restaurant that he wasn't allowed to eat was Joshua Chasez, jeans around his ankles, cock in his fist.
Luckily JC's eyes were shut tight and he was completely unaware of Justin's presence. Justin was drooling and he knew that if JC opened his eyes he would see him staring. But he couldn't make himself move. Watching JC masturbate was the closest Justin had ever been to touching JC himself. It was the most beautiful, erotic thing he'd ever seen.
"Oh God!" JC moaned suddenly, trying to keep himself quiet. Justin's eyes widened even more, if it was possible, and he watched in awe as JC's hips lifted off the bed and he came all over his hand.
JC relaxed on the bunk and Justin stepped back, rushing to the small bathroom and locking the door behind him. He leaned against the door and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He thought the zipper on his pants was going to bust and he had never been more aroused in his whole life.
JC heard the door slam and quickly pulled his pants up, groaning uncomfortably because he hadn't cleaned himself up. He wiped his hand on the sheet and then pulled the sheet off as he slid out of the bunk, deciding he could just wash it later. He hoped Justin hadn't heard him.
JC didn't know what had gotten into him. He kept thinking about the kiss and what could have happened if Justin didn't run away and he couldn't help himself. It had been a turn on knowing that Justin was so close and that JC could have easily been caught.
JC went to the back of the bus where all the luggage was being stored and quickly changed. He shoved his dirty sheet into a laundry bag and then joined Lance, Chris and Joey at the front if the bus.
Justin came out of the bathroom about fifteen minutes later and avoided eye contact with everyone. He plunked himself down on the sofa and stared out the window. JC watched him the whole time while Lance, Chris and Joey exchanged confused looks.
Nobody talked much for the rest of the bus ride. Justin kept staring out the window, JC kept watching Justin and the other guys tried to keep busy even though they knew something was up.
When they arrived at the arena Justin and JC both left and went to their seperate dressing rooms without saying a word.
"What's with them?" Chris asked.
"I don't know," Lance replied, "I've never seen them like this before. I mean they've been in fights, but this seems weird for some reason. They both seem more sad than angry."
"I'm sure they'll work it out," Joey said, "they always do."
JC was laying on the floor of his dressing room. He didn't want to move. Everything was so weird. He still felt numb and removed. He wasn't excited or nervous about the concert and he wasn't devastated about Justin. Well, he was devastated, but it was almost as if he knew it rather than felt it. He didn't know what to do. All he wanted was to talk to Justin, so he knew how bad the situation really was.
JC rolled over onto his stomach and started fiddling with the carpet. It was hard to believe that he had actually kissed Justin. Sometimes it seemed like a dream, and at other times it seemed so real.
JC jumped as someone knocked on his door. He pulled himself up and went to answer it. He was surprised to see Justin when he opened it. For a second their eyes locked and both of them remembered the intense stare thay had shared right before the kiss. Then Justin broke it as he looked to the floor.
"Can I come in?" he mumbled.
JC didn't say anything, he just stepped aside as Justin entered the room and began pacing around.
"Justin..." JC began.
"No," Justin said interrupting him, "let me talk first."
JC closed the door and and nodded.
"I don't know what I was doing yesterday," he began, talking quickly, "I was just all worked up from the excitement of the show and then I got confused and I just stopped thinking and then before I knew it was happening I...I..."
"Kissed me," JC said.
For a minute Justin looked startled, and then he continued his rambling.
"It was stupid and wrong and I'm sorry, so let's just forget it ever happened," Justin finished.
JC just nodded and watched Justin leave the room. He closed the door behind him and sank to the floor.
Wrong. Justin had said it was wrong. He didn't want JC. There was no hope anymore. JC wanted to go back to before Justin had walked into his dressing room. Because now that numbness seemed better, comforting. The pain he was suddenly feeling was unbearable.
"Justin," he whispered, his eyes brimming with tears, "I love you."
Then the sadness he had been holding back since the night before suddenly broke free and JC began sobbing uncontrollably. He felt his stomach lurch and he quickly got himself to the bathroom. As he leaned over the cool porcelain of the toilet he kept hearing Justin's voice.
"It was stupid and wrong and I'm sorry, so let's just forget it ever happened."
It was the first time in his life that JC could ever remember wishing himself dead.
The next day was horrible. Lance, Joey and Chris were mad because the concert the night before had been the worst they'd ever performed. And it was Justin and JC's fault. They were talking to eachother, but only when they had to. On stage they were both lacking in energy and the chemistry they usually shared was nowhere to be found. This threw the other guys off and it was probably apparent to the fans who had been to a concert before that they weren't up to their usual standard.
The bus ride was even worse than the day before. Everyone wanted to get off as soon as possible. Lance had tried getting Sara and Christina to talk to JC and Justin, because he had a feeling they knew more about what was going on than anyone else, but even they couldn't get a response.
After the bus ride there was another concert that went pretty much the same as the night before. Lance, Joey, Chris, Sara and Christina had gathered in Lance's dressing room.
"No offense, but you guys really sucked tonight," Sara said.
"Don't worry, we know," Joey replied.
"We have to do something," Lance said, "this is getting way out of hand."
"Well they won't even talk to us for more than two seconds," Chris said.
Sara and Christina looked at eachother nervously, an exchange that didn't slip past Lance's notice.
"You guys know something, don't you?" he said.
"It doesn't matter if we do or not," Christina said, "because it wouldn't be fair of us to tell you."
"Fuck fair!" Joey said loudly, "This is affecting us, too!"
"When did we start keeping secrets from eachother?" Chris asked.
"Look you guys, even if you knew what was going on, it wouldn't make a difference because there's nothing you can do," Sara said.
"Trust us, it's frustrating not being able to help them. But it's something they need to work out on their own," Christina added.
"Well they better work it out fast," Lance said, "because I can't take much more of this."
"At least we're staying in a hotel tonight and we can have a break from those horrible bus rides," Joey said.
"One night isn't enough," Chris said.
Justin was frustrated. He didn't want to be shut up in his stupid hotel room, but there wasn't anywhere to go. He knew Lance, Joey and Chris were mad at him, and he didn't want to be a third wheel to Sara and Christina. What he wanted was to hang out with JC. But he couldn't do that. He wished he could just take back the stupid kiss. It had been wonderful at the time, but it was painful to think about now. That one moment wasn't worth losing his friendship with JC over.
Justin turned the TV on and started flipping channels. But nothing could keep his attention. Plus he kept thinking about what had happened on the bus. It bothered him that even after all of the shit that had happened, he still wanted JC as much as before. He got up and emptied his suitcases. Then he folded everything neatly into the drawers. He knew they would only be there for one night, but he needed something to do.
He went and sat down on one of the beds and touched the phone. He picked it up and put it to his ear. Then he hung it back up. He knew JC's room number. He had peeked at the list when they were assigning them.
For a long time Justin just stared at the phone. All he had to do was pick it up, push three numbers and he would be talking to JC. It seemed so easy. He wanted to call and tell him that he loved him and that he liked the kiss and to beg JC to let him kiss those perfect lips again. But he couldn't.
What he could do though, was call and try to at least fix their friendship.
Justin picked the phone up again and without thinking dialed the number to JC's room. It rang twice before he picked it up.
"Hello," said a sleepy voiced JC.
Justin took a deep breath. It was so nice to hear his voice.
"Hello?" JC said again.
Justin froze. He couldn't do this. JC probably hated him now. Maybe he didn't even want to be friends with Justin anymore.
"Hello? Is someone there?"
Justin quickly put the phone down and stared at it, silently cursing himself for being so stupid. He got up and walked around.
When had everything gone so wrong? How could one little kiss ruin his whole life?
Suddenly Justin lost it. He picked up a shoe and chucked it across the room. It felt good, so he threw the other one. Then he threw the remote control, and a stack of magazines and an empty suitcase. He ripped the blankets and sheets off of his bed. He pulled all of his clothes out of the dresser drawers. Then he threw the empty drawers, too. He pulled his hair and ripped his shirt off. He didn't like the way the material felt against his skin. All he wanted to feel was JC. His pants soon followed. He ran his arm across the table, pushing everything to the floor. He turned around and placed his hands on the TV. He yelled as loud as he could, not caring if anyone heard him. He wanted to pick it up and throw it. He wanted to so bad. But the moment of hesitation brought him back to sanity.
All of a sudden the door flew open.
"Justin? Justin, are you okay? What's going on?"
He heard the voice, but he wasn't sure if it was real or imagined. Then he saw him. JC stepped around the mess and looked at Justin.
"Josh," He whispered.
He felt his legs give out and his body begin it's descent to the floor. But he never made it. JC swiftly ran across the room and caught Justin, dragging him to the bed. He held Justin in his arms, not saying a word.
Justin took a deep breath and bit his lip. The smell of JC's colone wafted around him. He ran his hand down JC's arm. And then he cried.
He cried for JC and what he knew he could never have. He cried for sadness, he cried for friendship and he cried for love. He cried for all the things he wanted to say, but couldn't get out. He cried for JC's hands, for JC's smile, for JC's eyes, for JC's beauty. He cried for all the pent up frustration he had. He cried for loneliness and longing. He cried because he never knew that being in love would hurt this much.
JC didn't know what to do. He didn't know what was wrong. So he wrapped his arms around Justin's shivering, half naked body and held him.
Okay. It's over. The last few paragraphs took me a LONG time to write. I don't know why. What did you think? E-mail me! I like e-mail! Talk to everyone soon!
~ERIN~