Serendipity

This story is fictional. The persons mentioned within exist but are NOT gay. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of this story, or under the age of 18 then please dont read it.

Part One

It was just the two of us, sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. Or rather Nicky was eating his breakfast and I was watching him eat. Thing with Nicky is that the one thing he devotes a hundred percent attention to is eating... there's no toying with the food, no distractions and no talking, try to converse with him while he is eating and the responses are usually limited to 'hmm' or 'yeah'. But I'm not complaining, you see, that way I could watch him without fear of being caught...

I was familiar with everything about him, even his smallest habits and every precise expression of his face. The way his eyebrows curled when he was trying to do something in a hurry, or the way lips quivered if he concentrated hard, or the way the spoon always lingered close to his lips as he chewed on his cereal, so close that I sometimes wished I were that spoon. I knew exactly how many of his teeth are revealed when he smiles, and I recognised that when he is very excited, his right eye begins to sparkle while his left eye doesn't.

I can't tell you when I started noticing these intimate details, it's been a long time, I didn't even realise it until I noted the absence of the spark in his right eye when we were doing an interview on an American radio. He kept claiming to be really excited but I didn't see the spark, I knew he was more nervous than excited. I bet even Georgina doesn't recognise these silent signs the way I do...

A bit of milk trailed down the corner of his mouth and he slipped out his tongue and licked it off... I realised my mouth was open and I quickly closed it, for some reason my eyes were focussing solely on that moist part just under his bottom lip, he'd just licked it, I couldn't help wonder what it would taste like if I licked it now, what would it feel like?

"Kian?" Nicky called out to me, and I let out a startled grunt, quickly averting my eyes from the delicate skin under his bottom lip that I so desperately wanted to touch. He looked at me quizzically and it was almost as if I'd been caught in the act. "How long are you going to take to finish your brekkie?" Nicky asked, grabbing his plate and moving to the sink.

My eyes followed his movement, lingering over his back as his white cotton shirt stuck to the small of his back with sweat. I found myself getting excited by the indecent thought that flashed my mind I quickly closed my eyes and let out a soft groan as the image disappeared and I took my full bowl of cereal to the sink and emptied it out. Sighing with relief as I heard Nicky walk out of the kitchen, turning around I leaned against the sink and glanced over at the chair where Nicky had been sitting.

Rubbing my eyes with my knuckles, I decided I had to stop doing this to myself, I was still really sleepy. I could have just as easily stayed in bed a little longer like I had wanted to. But no! I heard Nicky go down the stairs and I leapt out of bed and pulled my shirt on, just so that I could have breakfast with him, it was pointless, I got nothing out of it and it just made it harder to get over him, stupid idiot!! I thought to myself and wandered back up the stairs.

Later that evening...

The sudden chill had come from nowhere. It caught me off guard and I found myself shivering as I hurried back to the house, trying to wrap my jacket around me as tight as I could, but the blustering wind made it impossible. To make matters worse, I could feel occasional drops of rain on my bare face; it was going to get faster.

I passed a group of guys, huddled under a small tree. I didn't think that tree would be sufficient shelter when the rain really started showering down. I walked passed the guys quickly, I wasn't far off now and I didn't like the idea of getting soaked through in such cold weather. I heard their voices and glanced their way as I passed, they seemed to be calling me over, but I didn't slow down or stop, the rain was already pretty fast and I could feel my hair getting wet and it was almost as if the rain had made the temperatures fall further.

A few feet on, it seemed the voices were getting closer, just hushed chatter. I didn't bother looking back at first just started walking a little faster and suddenly the voices became louder and the footsteps were close and fast. I glanced over my shoulder and the same three guys were walking just behind me... I felt my throat tighten and my stomach turn, I didn't allow myself to panic but I was really scared, I thought maybe if I walked faster I could outdo them. But that was a naïve thought, because there were three of them and they were walking faster than me...

I was ready to glance over my shoulder once more when I felt a hard blow against the back of my head. The pain shot through, and my eyes started to water, they were stinging and I momentarily lost my vision, everything went black and I panicked, my legs were moving but in every direction, I collided against something hard and cold, a fist? The fresh pain paralysed my legs and I fell to the ground.

Their voices were loud and rough, I couldn't figure out what they were saying, they all sounded the same, distorted. I was on my knees and my face was wet, inches away from a puddle, my clothes were wet and something was pressing my chest down to the ground, something on my back, a foot. I heard someone utter an aggressive command and my chain was pulled, I winced in pain as the metal scraped my neck.

I felt a sharp kick against my shins and reached down to grab it, but before I could, a pair of cold hands grabbed my hair and yanked my head back, my hands flew to my head and I tried to break free, but he was pulling my hair hard and it hurt. I heard myself cry and felt really weak, it angered me but my kicks and screams were helpless and unheard. I heard a voice demand for my wallet and my bruised senses kicked in. There was no way I could allow them to take my wallet, I felt a hand tug my wallet out of my pocket but I grabbed it at furiously and pressed it to my chest rolling onto my stomach so they couldn't get it.

In the distance a car's headlights flashed and grew closer. The guys muttered something and pushed my face into the puddle I gagged as they kicked me hard and ran off. I rolled over onto my back and tried hard not to let my eyes close, but it was no use.

The rain was so heavy now that even the windscreen wipers were becoming useless, I peered through, driving really slowly, even a tortoise could overtake me! A person lay on the ground, their head in a puddle; the torrential rain beating down on the seemingly lifeless body. I found myself panicking as I grew closer and closer, I had no idea what to do, I didn't want to get involved but leaving this person there like that would be a cold and heartless thing to do.

The headlights of the car flashed over the body and the face came into view. "Oh fuck!" I yelled, as I recognised the battered face to be that of Kian's. I stamped hard on the brakes and the resulting screech seemed to deafen me for a moment. I jumped out of the car and rushed over to him. It felt as if I was going to be sick, my throat was all acidy and my hands and feet seemed to give in, I kept trying to pull him up but I just couldn't move him.

I sat on the floor, my heart thumping in my chest and my fingers trembling so much that when I looked down at them they seemed to be all merged together, I couldn't tell them apart. I lifted Kian's head into my lap and reached into my jacket to get out my cell phone.

After dialling both Mark and Shane's number and telling them to get out of the house as quick as possible, I sat feeling helpless, looking down at Kian's awfully bruised face, all that blood and blue, of all the emotions you could have at a time like that, I felt angry! Kian stirred slowly and tried to open his eyes, he looked up at me with them still half closed and opened his mouth, "Nicky??" he choked and I nodded like a madman.

"Yes, yes Ki, I'm here now, it's going to be alright!" I reassured, but he was already drifting out of conscious again. I became desperate, looking at the empty road that leads up to the house; neither of them was here yet. As I looked back at Kian I saw his wallet in his hand and reached out to grab it. His fingers were closed around it tightly; I had to snatch it out of his hand. Oh god, I thought, please don't tell me he fought them for his wallet!"

I opened his wallet with my clumsy cold fingers, wondering how much money he had in it that it was worth being beat up for. I lifted the first flap and saw a photo staring back at me, a photo of me!

Part Two

The radiator churned just next to me and aside from Kian's wheezy breathing, the room was silent. I leaned against the wall, sliding my hand over my pocket just to make sure Kian's wallet was still there, it was. On the other side of the bed, half asleep himself, sat Shane. He kept jerking his eyes open whenever there was a sound and then drifted off again.

Four hours had passed since we bought him in and he's been adequately bandaged and cleaned but he hadn't yet woken up. He was lucky I suppose, his much cherished face wasn't damaged as much as we had feared. There was a scar under his left cheekbone and a big purple bruise just above his right eye. The rest of his face had escaped pretty much unscathed but the deep cut on his neck, where the chain had been was pretty bad, I bet it hurt.

Just while looking at him, all bruised and bandaged my mind turned unexpectedly and suddenly to the wallet again. My photo in the wallet to be more precise, at first I was thinking the usual, what, why etc. but I'm not stupid, I knew what it meant and I knew that there could be only one plausible reason for Kian to be carrying my photo... and while I was thinking this, going through it in my head, reasoning with myself, I realised I felt kind of scared!

It's hard to explain, I can't even make sense of it in my own head, but there's no denying it, there was some sort of fear in my head, a fear of what this might mean and what might happen. I just know this isn't a good thing, you know? There are something's that no good can come of and the worst part of it is when you are made aware of that something, what are you supposed to do?

It had gone just past two in the morning. The best thing would be to go home and come back in the morning. Kian wasn't going to wake up during the night, at least the doc told us not to expect that to happen. And besides Mark and Bryan were going to drop by first thing. I pulled away from the wall and stretched my limbs, my whole body ached, my shoulders, my legs and even my head hurt.

I walked over to Shane and shook his shoulder slowly to wake him, He stirred, grunted, then stirred some more and then went back to sleep. I sighed and gave him a shove, slightly harder, a little too hard actually, he winced and jumped simultaneously and shot me an annoyed look.

"Lets get going" I said to him, shoving my wrist in his face so he could see the time. He rubbed his eyes and took a peek and then stretched his arms, making a weird groaning sound while doing so. "Yeah, s'pose nothing we can do sitting here" he said, grabbing his jacket. I nodded, glancing at Kian one last time before we walked out and closed the door.

The moment I walked into my room, I let my jacket fall to the ground and just about pulled the curtains together before I fell face down onto the bed, well half on and half off to be honest. A pleasurable sigh escaped my lips and I found myself drifting off to sleep. But Kian's wallet in my pocket was positioned uncomfortably, it was poking my thigh, I rolled over onto my back and pulled the wallet out. I was about to slip it under the pillow when my fingers - working independent of my already half-asleep mind, opened the wallet, lifted the flap and pulled my photo out.

I stared down at my face in the photo, just stared at it quietly for a moment, then I grabbed the top and bottom edges between the index finger and thumb of both hands and ripped the photo into two pieces.

Following Morning...

I opened my eyes and the first thing I realised was how much my body was aching, all over. I had this urge to stretch my arms and legs just to make sure they were safe and intact, but as I tried to move them, a pain shot through me and I let out an agonising grunt.

"Hey, you alright mate?" Mark asked, rushing over to the bed. I nodded, "Just hurting a bit" I said smiling weakly. I felt the bandages on my face and wondered how bad the scars were, I wondered if my face had become repulsive, I wondered what Nicky thought of it. Looking around the room, I couldn't see any of my clothes, what do they do with them? I thought, but the more urgent thought that bought with it a nervous feeling - where was my wallet? Was it safe with the rest of my clothes? *

"Nicky, get a move on" Shane bellowed from the bottom of the stairs. "One minute" I shouted back and rushed to grab my jacket, glancing in the mirror on my way out. I looked like I'd just come out of hibernation... scary. It was only eight in the morning, and at most I'd probably got two hours sleep, so I had an excuse to look my worst.

I slicked my hair around with my fingers, trying to get them into some sort of presentable shape, but sod's law will have it, when you don't have enough time, things seem to take twice as long. It was all right for Shane, he had probably dosed off straight away and even an earthquake measuring seven on the Richter scale would have no effect. But I couldn't sleep last night... I had too much to think about.

Another look in the mirror, and I groaned, deciding to give up. I headed out of the door and half way down the stairs when I remembered Kian's wallet. Standing on the fourth step down, I debated whether I should take it or not... if I took it he would know I'd taken the photo out, but if it weren't there he would notice it missing...

The doctor and nurse had been to see me twice, lucky me! Mark and Bryan had just left and I was left alone. The white walls of the hospital room seemed to be closing in; the room appeared smaller than it was when I woke up. The ticking of the clock on the wall was too loud, and the light from the window was too dim. What was it with hospitals being so gloomy? Perhaps they were designed this way to encourage people to get better quick and get out of there as fast as possible?

The next time the door opened, Shane popped his head round and smiled, "Hey buddy" he said, walking in, the door closed, there was no one else behind him, Nicky hadn't come. I smiled at Shane, "how do I look?" I asked, sarcastically. He laughed and winked, "great as ever mate" I tried to laugh but my ribs didn't like the idea, I was trying to hide my disappointment but my eyes kept returning to the door. "Where's Nicky?" I asked Shane at last, trying to sound as off hand as I could. "He should be up in a minute, he was talking to the doc"

That's when the door opened again Nicky walked in. He was moving in slow motion as if trying to make sure he didn't wake me, then he saw me sitting up against a pile of pillows and smiled, relaxing himself and walking like normal. First thing I noticed was how tried he looked; next thing I noticed was how nervous he looked. "How's it going?" he asked. I smiled, "Have been better! I said, hoping Shane didn't notice how much more complete my smile was.

Maybe I was paranoid, but I sensed Nicky was struggling with something, there was a change in his conversation, in his look, in his posture, he was really uneasy, but even his awkward uneasiness was sexy! Even his crouched frame and lowered gaze was teasing my eye. It's funny, my whole body was aching but inside I was still acting like a stupid love struck puppy.

A little too soon for my liking, it was close to noon and Shane and Nicky were getting ready to leave. "Doc says you'll be coming home tomorrow! Nicky said, quietly. I nodded, "Yeah he told me" I replied. Shane looked at me quizzically, "Cheer up Ki, you don't look any worse than you normally do" he joked. He laughed loudly, I smiled, and Nicky didn't react. Disappointed with the dire reaction to what he thought was a great joke, Shane headed for the door and waited for Nicky.

Nicky walked up to the cabinet next to the bed with his hand in his pocket, he pulled his hands out, clutching my wallet, he placed it on the cabinet, without looking my way and walked out after Shane. My heart was in my mouth; I just stared at the wallet, motionless and apprehensive. After what could have been hours but was in fact only a minute, I reached out and picked it up, slowly, my trembling fingers opened the wallet and I lifted the flap... it was empty, the place where Nicky's photo was supposed to be was void.

I bit my lip and stared at the white wall opposite me. Shit, I thought, Shit Shit.

Part Three

Two nights and one morning, that's how long I stayed in hospital but it felt like forever. As Shane escorted me out of the twin doors at the front of the hospital, the fresh air greeted me with all it's essence, thirty-six hours without the fresh crisp air was a long time in my books. I got in the car, and stretched my leg, it still hurt a little but at least it still moved!

Shane sat next to me and continuously asked me if I was all right, I wasn't but not for the reasons he thought, so I stayed quiet and nodded reassuringly. Mark was driving so it would take is twice as long to get home, I wanted to be home as soon as I could and I wanted to be left alone for a while... but I'm aware that would appear ungrateful so I wasn't going to do it.

Bryan fidgeted with the CD player, which meant that we'd probably get to hear music for all of about five seconds throughout the journey! Nicky hadn't come. I didn't ask why and I wasn't told why. But I'm not naïve, I know why he hadn't come, there were two possibilities, he was either angry or upset, either way was bad news for me. Maybe he would tell the others too, maybe they would all be angry or upset or something like that?

I didn't want to think about it, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Perhaps if Nicky told them, they would accept it, they were his friends, and they cared for him. But what if they didn't, what if when the coin is flipped it lands on the wrong side? He looked out of the window as the car glided through the suburban streets of Dublin, houses appeared and faded, people all going about their business with a sense of purpose... how much more easier would this be if he was like them? If he wasn't famous?

Once inside the house, I headed straight upstairs followed closely by Shane while the others went into the kitchen. In a way I was glad Shane was with me, despite thinking I wanted to be on my own, If I was I would most probably have tormented myself by thinking about the unthinkable.

I heard them walk up the stairs, I heard his door close... I know I should go see how he is, that's what I would have done normally, but things weren't exactly normal anymore were they? This isn't supposed to change anything, he's the same Ki, and I'm the same me. So what if he feels that way about me, doesn't change what we are... that all sounds fine in my head, but that's not the way real life works.

Things will be different even if I don't want them to. How can we act and behave like we used to when we both think differently, I will always be aware of it, it will cause a rift between us, he will start making me uncomfortable, I will try to avoid his eyes, maybe being in the same room as him will make me nervous or self conscious. I told you before, there are something's that no good can come of... it's the way life is and life sucks!

Shane is my closest friend; we have been mates longer than I can remember. We're good friends, good friends don't hide things from each other, what I'm trying to say is that if I tell Shane myself before Nicky can tell him, maybe it will be easier. No, strike that, there are no maybes about it, it WILL be easier and Shane will help me through this... I owe it to him, I owe it to myself to face the music, the longer I keep this inside the more damage it will cause when unleashed...

The thought had come to me out of the blue, so I was mustering up the courage to tell him now that there was the perfect opportunity. We were alone and more importantly I really felt I could tell him... if I left it for later I probably wouldn't be able to do it, that's what always happens, but not this time, let me get it out in the open... let it be separated from me for a few moments at least.

I cleared my throat, Shane looked up at me expectantly, the door opened, Nicky walked in. All the mustered courage segregated in an instant, with the release of a burst of breath my courage was gone and I felt desperately helpless. "Hey" Nicky almost whispered. "Hey! I whispered back, biting my lip... he was wearing tight black pants and a body hugging grey top, there was no doubt why I was crazy about him... he was perfection personified!

A few minutes later Shane walked out of the room, he was going down to get me something to eat. His departure left an eerie silence hanging in the room, the silence was almost like a veil between Nicky and me, he was avoiding eye contact and his long slender fingers were fidgeting with the hem of his wrist. If there was ever a time for another person to be present, it was now! Things were getting seriously uncomfortable.

"Your bruising has gone down," Nicky said softly, obviously as conscious of the silence as I was. I nodded dumbly, didn't want to open my mouth, I had a feeling my voice would betray me. But this was probably the time to speak, maybe explain that no matter what I felt it was not meant to come between us... he was never meant to know... and I knew he could never be mine. But who would say all this? I couldn't even speak.

"Want to listen to some music" he asked, his eyes wandered towards the hi-fi system. "Yeah sure" I muttered, managing just about, to make some sound come out. Nicky walked over to the table where the hi-fi system was placed and bent over slightly to select a CD. My eyes followed him and I watched, holding my breath without realising it, I watched as he bent over and his perfect, firm ass teased my eyes, the tight material hugged his cheeks and the sight was tormenting... my heart was overflowing with untapped longing for him, a longing that would never be satisfied!

I tore my eyes away from him and turned my head, angry with myself for my lack of control, and a little angry with Nicky for being so irresistibly beautiful that my eyes were at the mercy of his every move, spellbound and addicted like a bee to honey. The sound of music relieved some of the tension in the room and we sat quietly listening to it. I glanced at him and he appeared tense and edgy. I would give more than just a penny for his thoughts at this very moment.

Just then, Shane entered with some half cooked lasagne and chips. The change in Nicky's posture was striking, he was filled with relief... what did he think? I would pounce on him? I ate the food quietly while Shane decided that the music we had been listening to was no good and he changed the CD to an old Beatles Album. Nicky left the room shortly after and in some ways I was glad and in other ways not. Despite it being half cooked and a little cold, the lasagne tasted a lot better than the hospital food I had endured over the last two days.

At the end of the next track, I grabbed the remote and paused the CD. It was now or never. Shane looked at me questioningly and I tried to smile. "I need to tell you something Shane," I said. Shane nodded, "go on". I paused, staring him in the face I became weak, I was trying to think of the positive things about telling him but the bad points kept creeping up on me. I cleared my throat forcefully and fidgeted with the fork in my hand. "Erm, err... this is really important and really hard for me to say" Shane nodded again and smiled, "go on mate, you can tell me anything" he said.

I smiled, "Yeah, that's why you're the first person I'm telling" I said, looking at him to see whether he understood the intensity of what I was about to say. He looked concerned and his eyebrow was raised questioningly. For some reason I closed my eyes, let out a sigh and said it, "I'm gay, Shane"

Silence. I opened my eyes when it became unbearable. He looked at me expressionless and then a small smile crept up his lips, "You're kidding right?" he asked, laughing a little. I shook my head and looked down, I could see my lips quivering in the stainless steel of the knife. "It's true," I whimpered.

"Fuck!!" Shane said, slowly, the he raised his hand and scratched his head, "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he repeated, shaking his head violently. His reaction stunned me, I felt stranded and scared. My head dropped into my hands and I fought back the tears. "You're a fucking faggot??" he asked, his voice full of venom.

Part Four

I heard yelling from Kian's room, I turned the music off and listened again, it was quiet for a few moments and then there was a loud crash. My heart started thumping just like that, as if waiting for a trigger. I rushed out of the room and across the hallway to Kian's room.

The door creaked open, and the first thing that caught my eye was the smashed plate that Kian was eating from when I left. Smashed to pieces on the wooden floor. Shane was towering over Kian's curled up-form with his fist clenched and ready to make contact. What the fuck? I thought, totally thrown for a second before physically reacting.

I grabbed Shane's arm and pushed him against the wall. "What the hell are you doing??" I asked, furiously. Shane's eyes were wild and shimmering with something unseen. "Let go of me Nicky" he muttered, trying to force himself away, "it's what he deserves, the fucking puff" he spat out the words.

I looked down at Kian, curled up in a ball with his right arm shielding his face, he was trembling and crying, his stifled sobs were just about the only sound in the room at the time. First I wondered, how much had he told Shane? But then more to the point I wondered how someone as open minded and care free as Shane could react this way? A twisted and homophobic reaction.

I eased my grip on Shane's wrists and sat on the bed beside Kian. His face was buried under his arms, I reached out and squeezed his shoulder, but it didn't stop his fragile frame from trembling as he cried in almost silent sobs. "Don't touch him Nicks, he's a sicko" Shane muttered. I shot him a furious glance, "No he's not Shane" I said, "You're the sick one, the way you think is sick and twisted." "He's a fag!" Kian whimpered as Shane said the words again and again. "So What?" I asked, "He's still the same Ki you practically grew up with you idiot!" Shane shook his head, "No he's not!" Shane muttered as he walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him with such force that once closed it opened again.

The door shook back and forth for a few seconds, the rest of the room was dead still aside from Kian's lightly quivering body. This was the moment I was supposed to reassure him, tell him everything would be fine, but would it? This was the moment I was supposed to comfort him in some way - perhaps I should hug him? But what if he misinterpreted the gesture? Instead, cowardly, I squeezed his shoulder once more and walked out of the room, closing the door and leaving Kian lying face down on the bed, moist with his own tears.

The words were hanging in the air with the carbon dioxide and oxygen particles, the dust, and the light rays from the window, the words 'fag' and 'puff' and the way they were said. I rolled onto my back, my eyelashes were wet and they blurred my vision, I wiped them with the back of my hand and stared at the ceiling. It was dirty, the once white paint had collected layers of grey dust and now the ceiling was yellow.

But where Shane had said those hurtful words, what had Nicky said? His words were sweeter and friendlier he didn't hate me. And his touch, soft but assured, a light squeeze of my shoulder and I'm falling through the air, there is no bottom but that's okay because Nicky's hand is squeezing my shoulder and it's telling me in it's own way - everything will be alright. I found myself smiling ever so slightly, despite myself.

• • I find it hard to explain It's crazy, but it's happening And I'm falling again Much farther than I've ever been I'm falling deeper than the ocean I am lost in this emotion

Love breaks and love divides Love laughs and love can make you cry I can't believe the ways That love can give and love can take away...

From 'Love gives love takes' - Talk On Corners (The Corrs) Copyright 1997 Polygram International, The Corrs and BMI - -

I turned onto my side, one hand under my head. It was like my mind was divided into two, one part thinking of how awful Shane had reacted and what that meant, and the other part thinking how much I want Nicky, more today than yesterday, more yesterday than the day before...

I wanted him but Georgina had him. That's the way it is, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I've always known and I don't think I once seriously thought what I felt and hoped for would ever materialise, I didn't plan on telling Nicky how I felt, I would have kept it inside in a safe place. Like a private movie for my own use, my personal viewing, to go through and imagine on those nights when my yearning was so strong I lost all control of my senses.

After leaving Kian's room I went straight to Shane's room. The music from inside was loud, my persistent knocking was not heard, I turned the handle and it turned so I went in. Shane was sitting on the bed flipping through a magazine, he didn't look up when I entered, and I walked over to the shelf and switched the music off. He looked up, his face was blank but mine wasn't, I was furious...

"That was real low," I said He shook his head and tossed his magazine aside, "After more than a decade as best friends, he tells me that he's a puff, am I supposed to be thrilled?" Shane asked seriously. "No, you don't have to be thrilled, but you have to be supportive because you ARE his best friend" I said. "To think of all those nights we shared a bed, we had showers together at school, makes me sick to think about it" Shane muttered, "This isn't about you Shane, it's about Kian, he told you before he told anyone else, because you're his best mate, doesn't that mean anything?" Shane leapt up and paced the room; it made me uncomfortable as I sat on the table, watching him move from one end of the room to the other. "I'm not his best mate anymore, I don't want to be associated with a puff".

Something started welling up inside me, I found myself getting angry and frustrated with his cold-heartedness. "Fuck sake Shane, you cant be that big a homophobe" I yelled. Shane shot me a glance, "if you feel so bad for him, why don't you go and 'support' him?" he asked, sarcastically. There was no point talking to him, his vision was blurred he could only see what he wanted to see. But I left the room answering his question in my mind; I can't support Kian because he's trapped me in a corner.

Part Five

I stood outside the kitchen peering in through the glass door; Shane was the only one inside, chewing away at his toast absent-minded. I was hesitating because I wasn't sure whether to face him or to turn back and wait till he's gone. I didn't want to hide from him because I've done nothing wrong, but those words still rung in my ears and the way they were spoken was still so tormenting.

Footsteps at the top of the stairs, I didn't want to be caught lingering out here so I strode into the kitchen, eyes lowered, heart beating in a mad frenzy. He didn't speak, he didn't even look up, I walked to the fridge and took out a bottle of milk, the room was so eerily quiet at first that the scraping sound of the chair on the floor nearly made me drop the bottle. I tuned to see Shane walking out of the room.

A loud thud shook me awake, I jumped up in bed and scratched my head, the morning light was seeping through the badly drawn curtains, one look at the clock and I realised it was not the morning light but the almost-afternoon light. The bizarre dream had forced me awake at around one and I couldn't get to sleep for hours. I got out of bed and walked straight into the bathroom, without glancing into the mirror, I knew I would be looking like a poor impersonation of Frankenstein.

Exactly fifty minutes later I was refreshed, dressed and smelling of strawberries (something in the shampoo!). Having opened the curtains I was greeted with sheer whiteness, fresh snow bathing the horizon in its purity as far as the eye wandered. "What a beautiful day" I exclaimed, to no one in particular.

One more reason to be excited was the fact that we didn't have anything on our schedule today. My first thought was to go spend some more time with Georgina, she was always complaining about that so... but no, I didn't feel like it. Instead I planned the afternoon for the whole group, the only sensible thing to do when it's snowing... SNOW FIGHT!!

The first footsteps in the crystal white sheet of snow, I walked around, inward, outward and diagonal to make a pattern, although it didn't look like much when I finished. Bryan and Ki walked out and spilt it by stamping all over it. "Where are the other two?" I asked, Bryan shrugged and I noticed Kian glance up at Shane's window, I guess that explains his absence.

Kian shuffled his hands into his pockets and looked back down, he caught me watching and smiled meekly, I shrugged hoping he would not worry too much about Shane's attitude. And for the first time, I noticed there was something different about the way he looked at me, something in his eyes that wasn't there before? I don't know maybe I was seeing it only because I knew how he felt, sometimes it happens, you don't notice something until it's pointed out. But in this case I'd have preferred to remain ignorant, because the look in his eyes was strangely hypnotic.

We both stood frozen in the snow, like snowmen, only not as lifeless, because our minds were racing, at least I know mine was and I suspect his was too, he had more to think about. "Aghhh" I let out a gasp as the cold snow touched my skin, I shivered, Bryan smacked another snowball against my neck and I turned to curse him, shaking it off. Kian burst out laughing and I kicked into the ground splashing some snow on him, he ran out into the openness and grabbed a hand full of snow and threw it back, I ducked and it hit Bryan smack on the face.

Bryan grabbed a handful of snow and chased us both out towards the trees, he took a shot and it missed me, splashing against the trunk, Kian and I hid behind the tree, both moulding the snow into a ball in our hands, we could hear Bryan's footsteps as he disturbed the crystal flakes of the snow. My breathing was really loud, Kian told me to 'shhh' and counted to three, I could see his lips moving and as his lips formed the word 'three' we both turned and took aim. Hitting Bryan on either side of him, he gasped and tried in vain to retaliate. "You bastards!" he cursed, brushing the snow off his jacket.

He grabbed a handful of snow, and Kian and I stepped backwards, teasing Bryan with our taunts. Kian stood in direct view of Bryan and froze, "free shot" he yelled back at Bryan. Bran swung his arms and threw the snowball aimed at Kian's crotch. Kian slightly thrust his ass outwards and the ball flew past the inside of his body. In the mean time I had moved around and was now standing behind Bryan, I quietly grabbed a handful of snow and crept up to him, he must have heard the shuffling because he turned but he was too late... I splashed the icy snow against his neck, it rolled down his back and he jumped up like a crazed lunatic.

I ran towards Kian and we both laughed at Bryan, mimicking his actions. Bryan swore and shook his head, complaining, "not fair" he moaned, "you're ganging up on me!" Kian stuck his tongue out at him and grabbed another handful of snow. Mark appeared in the door and yelled out to Bryan, "Kerry on the phone". Bryan swaggered his finger at us both, "I'll get you back" he said and ran off inside. I was about to turn to face Kian when I felt his cold hands on my collar, I knew what he was going to do, but I just froze... the snow yanked down my back sent a chill through my body and I let out a little scream.

Kian grinned wickedly and pushed me backwards, "catch me if you can" he laughed, running off. I chased him with the mission to grab him and bury him in the snow. We staggered through the snow, he turned this way and that but I was always behind him, surprised by his agility. I finally got as close as I could without bumping into him and reached out to grab him, he moved a little faster and I ended up wrapping my arms around his legs, bringing him down in a rugby tackle.

I straddled his stomach and grabbed a handful of snow, grinning mischievously I looked down at him, "What you gonna do now?" I asked.

He shook his head, "Don't you dare!" I clasped my snow-filled hands together and rubbed them, sprinkling the thick flakes of the snow onto his face, he shook his head one way and then the other as the cold crystals teased his face. His hands were moving at the sides and I knew what he was up to, I turned to look but he quickly lifted one hand and covered his eyes, "Owwww, my eyes" he cried.

Oh fuck, I thought, I grabbed his wrists and tried to pull his hand away from his eyes, "I'm so sorry Kian" I blurted, my face quashed with worry, he wouldn't let me move his hand and I got really scared, "let me see Ki" I said, tugging at his hand, he moved it away and smiled at me, winking. "You idiot" I yelled, punching him lightly in the chest. His other hand moved towards my neck in lightening speed and before I could react he had struck.

He pushed me off him onto the floor, got up and ran off. I scrambled to my feet as fast as I could and chased him again. He wasn't expecting me as I grabbed a handful of snow and caught up with him, surprised, he turned and I pushed him to the snow-covered ground. I leapt on top of him with my right arm raised, the snow hardening in my hands. I looked down at him mercilessly but was caught off guard by that look again, that strange way he looked at me, hypnotic and somewhat distracting.

I let the snow crumble out of my hands, as a fresh fall started, thick white flakes falling onto the ground and falling onto us. I noticed a flake land on Kian's eyebrow; I brushed it away with my finger then I realised I was lying on top of him in the snow. This wasn't right, I told myself, and I scrambled to my feet and turned around, heading back to the house. I was hoping Kian wouldn't get the wrong idea...

I sat up, as the fresh white snow thickened and fell to the ground, layering it once more with its pure whiteness, covering the tracks we'd made. I watched Nicky walk back to the house and felt my heart sink, it was hard not to let my hopes go up every now and then, just once in a while, I found myself thinking maybe, just maybe... but I was no fool, there were no buts and no maybes.

What's this addiction, that's Got me yearning for you? Begins from within, lighting my senses Keeps them burning for you, And the flames from the fire start to Melt me away, just like your touch, I can't turn back time I can't stop this Hurting, it's all too much...

While walking back to the house, shaking off the snow from my jacket, I looked up as the figure caught my eyes. Looked up at Shane's window and saw him staring down at me. I wondered not for the first time that day, how much does he hate me?

Chapter Six

The music was starting to give me a headache. I looked around at all the amazingly flexible bodies, doing all sorts of acrobatic dancing, where as I had two left feet, and trust me, that was putting it lightly. I stood in the corner sipping away at my beer, waiting for the lads to show up. Georgina had left half an hour ago and I stayed to meet the lads, but now my throbbing temples and aching head were screaming out to me... get us out of here!!

I got my cell phone to call the lads and tell them I was leaving but that's when I spotted Mark and Bryan walking towards me through the crowds of sweaty bodies. "Hey" Mark said, reaching out to grab my drink off me, I let him take it and rolled my eyes. "Hey, where's Kian?" I asked, looking around, expecting to see him. "He wasn't in the mood" Bry said, taking off his jacket and throwing it aside, no doubt it would stay there.

"Oh right" I replied, wondering what was wrong. It was most probably nothing, but I don't know why I just would have preferred it if he was there. I'll say its because he's a lot of fun when he's out getting pissed, I'll say that because it sounds like a good excuse, but truth is, I didn't know why I wanted him there. "And Shane's not here also" Mark said, looking at me with a curious expression, deliberately mouthing the words slowly.

I felt a bit awkward, put on the spot; he kept his eyes firmly glued to my face as if expecting an explanation, but an explanation of what? "Err, well I didn't think he was coming, I kinda spoke to him earlier" I lied, to make me sound believable, I added a wry smile, but Mark obviously still had his doubts, before his doubts start shifting to me, and I end up doubting myself too, I had to get out of there.

I was having one of those nights. You know? When you try hard to get to sleep, but the sleep never comes, it wanders at the corners of your eyes, deliberately teasing you, burning your eyes but not letting you close them. I tried to empty my head of all thoughts, but still sleep didn't come, I tried to count sheep, but still sleep didn't come, and I felt like a bit of a fool. So I sat up in bed, and reached under the bed.

At first, my hand roamed around empty space, I started to panic but then I felt it, cold sheets of paper as I grabbed the magazine. I opened it to the centre page and smiled to myself, sleepily. Nicky's picture on both sides, oh fuck, he looked incredible. In the picture he stared at the camera, it was me for now, he was staring at me, smiling that sultry smile of his, lips upturned at the corners, eyes sparkling. What was the picture saying? It was saying... Kiss me Kian! I slid my fingers across his lips on the picture and closed my eyes, hoping to make them real....

I opened my eyes, and moved to my side, put the magazine next to me and looked at his picture real close, I know I shouldn't have been doing this, but I just cant help it, I get an urge and then I'm helpless, its so stupid and childish to sleep with his picture close to me, but it kinda made me dream of him, and in the dreams things appeared so real, it wasn't much but it was enough.

The knock on the door startled me and I jumped, quickly closing the magazine and shoving it under the bed, "come in". Shane walked in and looked at me hesitantly, I felt every muscle in my body tense, why was that? Was I scared of him? Scared of my best friend? He approached the bed, and it seemed to take him an eternity to do so, the room was still, aside from his reproachful footsteps. "Hey, you didn't go out?" he asked, his voice softer than I expected, calm before the storm?

"I didn't feel like it" I told him, he looked around nervously and then his eyes settled on my face, I lowered my eyes and bit my lip, the atmosphere in the room was so awkward, like a whole other entity present in the room along with me and Shane. The silence was long drawn and noisy, but that was probably because my heart was thumping in my chest so loudly. Finally he spoke again, and after such a long silence, his voice startled me. "Kian, I'm sorry for what I said"

He looked at me as if expecting some sort of confirmation that I'd expected his apology, but I didn't, I couldn't, not without an explanation. He seemed to read my mind, because an explanation was mumbled. "I reacted badly, I was caught off guard, I was just so surprised that I reacted without thinking and said the things that first came to my head" he paused, his eyes were never before as expressive as they were now. "That's the way I've been bought up, and that's the first thing to come to my mind, but I had time to think about it and when you think about things you always see things differently".

"I don't have a problem with it, why should I? It's not about me, its about you and I realise that now, I'm just so sorry I didn't think at the time. Then today out in the snow I saw you all behaving as if everything was the same as before and it made me realise that it was, of course it was, nothing has changed, it made me feel like such a prat" I smiled, hearing him call himself a prat, and he smiled too, laughing a little. "I'm really sorry mate," he said again, ruffling my hair with his hand, as if sealing his apology with a silk ribbon.

I didn't quite feel like going home, yet my head was hurting so much that I couldn't stand another second inside the club. The crisp air of the cold night was a welcome change from the suffocating air inside, I looked across as the trees swayed this way and that, dancing to the music that was the wind. I got in the car after the hair on my arms stood on end with all the cold.

Once I parked the car outside the house, I stayed inside for a while, my head wasn't hurting as much and the car had only just warmed up, I didn't want to have to walk through the chilly night once again. I looked up and noticed Shane's light was switched off, and then I realised that the downstairs lights were all switched off too. Now that was strange you have to agree.

Shane didn't go out tonight because of the weird mood he's been in ever since that night. So if he wasn't in his own room and he weren't downstairs then... it doesn't take Einstein to work it out, does it? I felt my heart rate quicken, suddenly very worried for Kian, okay so Shane was his best friend, but it was the same Shane that very nearly punched the living daylights out of Kian had I not stepped in.

With my head reeling from a sudden nauseating feeling, I ran inside the house and up the stairs, I was still half way up the stairs when I heard and then saw Shane's bedroom door close. I stood on the top step, gasping for breath, looking between the doors. After somewhat recovering from my midnight sprint I walked towards Kian's room and opened the door.

He scrambled to his feet and turned to look up at me. "Hi" I said. "Oh hey" he replied, looking suspiciously surprised. "What were you doing?" I asked, he shook his head, "nothing". I walked towards the bed, thinking, what now? I mean here I am for no apparent reason, what am I supposed to say? He looked at me nervously and I stared back at him just as nervous.

"You're back early" he said, he spotted something beside his bed, on the other side to where I was. "Yeah I didn't feel too good" I replied, following his apprehensive gaze. I walked to the other side and sat on the bed, the corners of a magazine were sticking out from under it. "What's wrong?" Kian asked, the concern ebbed in his voice made me look up at him. I'm losing my mind, I wanted to say, but said nothing.

"Nicky?" "Yeah?" Silence. "Kian?" I asked, "Yeah?" he replied. He laughed a little. "What's going on?" I asked, surprising myself with the question. Where the hell did that come from? I wondered. I looked at him but he looked down, staring at his fingers as he wove them in and out of each other.

He looked up again after what could have been an eternity or a millennia but was probably just a few seconds. "I know we can never be together Nicky" he whispered, "I don't expect that". I inhaled inwardly, realising that was what I'd actually asked, wanting the answer to the silent question. "Kian I know, it's just..." I started to speak but he stopped me.

"I know you're with Georgina and you're so happy, I wouldn't want to ruin that for you. The truth is if you hadn't found out, I would never have told you Nicky, I'm sorry you had to find out. But don't worry, I'm not going o make it hard for you or anything, just pretend like you don't know." He said. I turned and looked at the blank wall behind him. It's not so easy to pretend, surely he knew that? "Okay good, I'm glad we cleared that up" I replied, quietly.

I walked out of Kian's room, kicking myself, feeling pathetic. What a stupid thing to say. "I'm glad we cleared that up!" cleared what up? Nothing was any clearer, everything was still so mixed up, and I was still so confused...

Chapter Seven

I stood in front of the mirror with my fingers intertwined in my hair. The look on my face was that of frustration, because it just didn't look right, I kept spiking my hair this way and that, but I wasn't happy with it. I gave up after a lot of deliberation and put my favourite shirt on and sprayed a generous amount of my favourite fragrance. One last check in the mirror and I decided this was as good as I will get, with that reassurance in mind I left the room, to meet up with Shane and Kian, as we were going on a spending spree.

Surprisingly, I found myself wondering whether Kian would like to see me in the other shirt rather than this one. I frowned as the thought crossed my mind, but once you get a doubt in your mind, it leaves you wondering, doesn't it? So I ran back inside and changed into the shirt that I thought was more to his style. I glanced in the mirror once more just to be sure, and I almost imagined Kian standing behind me with a smile on his face, as if to say, 'yeah, you look good'. So I was satisfied, walking down the stairs and waiting for them in the kitchen, I was satisfied for looking the part.

The clock was ticking louder than usual; I had one mind to throw something at it, just to make it stop. I glanced at it, and realised it was time to go, but I kind of didn't want to, and I thought that was strange because I never thought I'd pass a chance to spend a whole afternoon with Nicky, whether it was work or just casual. But maybe, I thought, maybe I was concerned about how difficult it was to be so close to him all the time.

It's like leaving a starved person in a room full of food and telling him not to eat it, how could anyone expect him not to? How could I be expected not to want him even more when I'm always so near, but never close enough? I groaned loudly, and fell backwards onto the bed, feeling hopeless and desperate. Unrequited love was hell on earth, the most damning curse there is. The ugly face of Love.

Knowing I can't keep them waiting, I stood up and checked my reflection in the mirror. I had spent the best part of the morning getting ready, changed three pairs of clothes, styled my hair twice before I realised there was no point. No matter how good I made myself look, the one person who it was all for, would probably not notice. I grabbed my wallet and went downstairs into the kitchen. "Sorry for taking so long" I said, to no one in particular, trying not to look at Nicky for fear of staring.

"Ki, I can't go with you guys" Shane said, "I need to head up to Sligo this afternoon" "Oh, we'll I guess we wont go then, maybe tomorrow" I replied, the thought of being alone with Nicky filled my stomach with butterflies but the word 'no' was scurrying in my head, telling me not to be seduced by it. "We can still go" Nicky said. I looked up at him and he smiled at me, for a split second I admit, I thought I didn't hear him right. "Are you sure?" I asked, quietly, knowing that Shane was confused by my question. Nicky nodded, "Yeah I'm sure, come on" he said, heading for the door. Dumbfounded, but reluctant I followed.

As we walked down the street, I stayed one step behind Nicky, torturing myself by admiring his fine ass. For moments, I was unaware of anything else around me as my eyes focussed on his firm butt, while he walked ahead of me, it was stupid and maybe a little weird but it felt so good just to stare at it. Maybe one day, I thought, maybe I could trace those curves with my fingertips. Lost in my thoughts, I didn't see the brick in the middle of the path and nearly tripped over it. I steadied myself, swearing at myself and then swearing at the brick, but it was a good thing, because my thoughts had started to get rather lewd.

"Are you alright?" Nicky asked, grabbing my waist to help me stay on my feet. I nodded, every inch of my skin, every hair on my body and every vein running through me was so painfully aware of his touch, I hoped he didn't hear the soft whimper that escaped my lips while he kept his firm hands on my hips. But didn't he keep his hands on me for a little too long? Or was it wishful thinking on my part? Most probably the latter.

Both Kian and I had our hands filled with bags as we stopped at the café by the central square. The sun had decided to make a much appreciated but undue appearance in the middle of winter, prompting hundreds of revellers to sit around, surrounded by dead leaves trying to enjoy the few moments of bright sun. We decided to sit on one of the outside tables, waiting for our coffee to arrive.

"Are you alright?" Kian asked, as we sipped on the unusually large cups. "You look like your cold" I looked down at my arm and realised the hairs were standing on end. Making me wonder how they were connected to my thoughts? "I'm okay," I said, softly, but a few seconds passed and then I said, "No I'm not okay Kian" Kian leaned forward, looking all concerned, "What is it?" he asked, almost whispering. I sighed and rubbed my arms, "It's you" "What about me?" he asked, "What have I done wrong?"

I hesitated, I regretted saying it, because I couldn't explain what was going on. "I wish you'd never told me how you felt about me" I replied, quietly. Kian stayed quiet looking down at his hands, I stared at him, realising probably for the first time that his bottom lip quivered when he was nervous. "I never planned on telling you Nicky" he said, I was about to say something when I saw a lonely tear drop from his eyes and land in his cup. Taken aback, I watched as he sniffed quietly with his head down.

"I told you, I won't come in your way, I wont spoil things for you" he was saying, "I promise, you can just pretend you never saw it". "How can I pretend?" I asked, "how can I pretend when it seems to have engraved itself in my memory and keeps coming up and making my head hurt" without realising I had developed an angry tone. Kian still didn't look up as he said, "I'm sorry". His tear-filled eyes made me feel like a villain.

I tried to calm down, wishing I could get better control over myself. After a few seconds of deafening silence, the only sound that was heard was the chatter of the other people walking around, but some sort of vacuum was drowning it out. "Maybe I don't want to pretend either," I said, softly in barely more than a whisper but he heard me. "What?" he asked. I shook my head "Nothing".

We sat staring out onto the street, quietly finishing our coffee. But this matter was unresolved, I had bought it up and probably ruined our afternoon, but now that we were talking about it, I could ask all the questions I've wanted to, the kind of questions I need answers to. "How do you know you love me?" I asked, making sure I didn't speak too loudly. For the first time in a long time Kian lifted his head and stared at me. "What do you mean?" he asked. "How do you know?" I repeated, staring back at him with resolve.

He looked away and sighed, "I just do," he said. "Or maybe you don't love me at all?" I suggested. He shot me an unreadable look and I wondered if I'd stepped too far over the line. "I know because you mean everything to me" he said, "Your everywhere I look, when I close my eyes, when I sleep, when I go out, even when I look in the mirror, I see you and it makes me smile even when I'm sad. Everything I do, I wonder what you will think of it, nothing else matters, if I do this will you think any less of me? If I wear something I wonder what you will think of how I look.

"Sometimes I don't feel like getting up in the morning, and then I think of you and realise if I don't get up I wont see you. When I'm happy you're the first thing I think of, when I'm sad, your the first thing I think of, its almost as if I have a whole different mind that has nothing else inside it except for you, your face, thoughts about you" he was breathing so heavily as he spoke, "maybe it's not love Nicky, but its something".

I looked at him shocked, my throat had gone all dry and something felt funny in my stomach. "Wow" is all I said. He stared at me through his moist eyes and bit his lip, "I do love you Nicky, it doesn't change if you don't believe it" he said, "trust me, I've tried". "Sometimes, two people can be so completely in love, but they can be wrong for each other" I said. Kian raised his eyebrows, "What are you saying?" he asked. "I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying" I responded.

"I don't know if it's right or wrong Nicky, that becomes insignificant when that's all there is, if I had a choice I'd choose what is right, but when you don't have a choice, right and wrong doesn't matter" Kian said, I noticed my hand was lingering dangerously close to his, I quickly moved it back and turned away. "Come on lets just go," I said after a while.

I drove quietly, the road was deserted and the depressing shadow of the naked trees allowed the sun to seep through. I stopped the car under one of the larger tress and started ahead. Neither of us spoke, we just sat there watching the empty road and the clouds looming on the horizon. "Why have we stopped?" Kian asked. "Just because" I replied. More silence but this time I thought I heard his breathing so heavy and ragged, or was it mine? I looked down and my chest was heaving. I gripped the steering wheel tight and felt Kian's eyes on me.

I turned to face him. "What if I want you too?" I asked. "Do you?" I sighed, "I don't know" I replied. "I just don't know. How does that make you feel?" I asked him. "If you could feel how hard my heart is beating right now Nicky, you'd know how it makes me feel" he said, looking at me with his eyes, and that same piercing blue stare that has been haunting me for the last few weeks. Hypnotic stare, takes hold of me from inside and then I don't know what's coming and what's going.

I reached over and put my hand over his chest, where the heart is. The solid beating was so rapid that I gasped with surprise. I looked up at him and saw his soft lips trembling, I wondered if that meant he wanted to be kissed, I wondered if I kissed him would it help me to understand better? I raised my head and pressed my lips against his, his lips responded with soft kisses, lightly brushing against my lips, making them moist, I felt a surge of something new strike through me as he licked my lips with his tongue, without knowing, I opened my mouth and his tongue slid in, and when it thrust against my tongue my whole body shivered.

My head seemed so light; it felt like if my lips weren't entrapped in his then there would be nothing holding me up. He pulled away and I found myself disappointed, I kept my eyes closed, maybe he would kiss me again. Finally I opened my eyes and sat back, staring out of the window, breathless, speechless. My lips were sort of numb, like my whole body was alive, hairs standing on end, veins pumping, skin breathing but my lips were paralysed.

"So?" Kian asked, whispering. "It was different," I said. "Good different or bad different?" he asked. I sighed, how could I begin to describe. It wasn't like an ordinary kiss, where your mouth responds and probably your dick, with this kiss every inch of my body, every thing inside and everything around, responded and joined in. It was incredible. I smirked as I turned to face him again, teasing him with a delayed response, while he stared at me with his puppy dog eyes, with bated breath.

"Good different" I said, smiling. His eyes lit, almost as if he had forty-watt bulbs inside them. "Good enough?" he asked. I laughed a little and leaned into him, kissing him once more, except this time I didn't intend on breaking the kiss until I was satisfied. After this, there was no contest, what my mind had been saying for days now, was finally realised, with irrefutable proof. I wanted him and it was worth a try!

THE END

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