As my dad's old truck rumbled its way up the coast road, I wanted to watch for the few glimpses of the ocean, but that would have had my head pointed in his direction. All I wanted to do was stare out of my window and try not to think. Try not to let the over analyzing brain of mine to get it to work at full speed as it often did. But how could I not think about it? The most beautiful moment of my life and worst, all rolled into one. I kept my eyes watching the ground outside the truck fly bye, my dad not saying a word. At least, one thing was good. The tension in that truck would have been worse if it had not been for all the rattling, clanking and rumbling that old tuck was doing, it was almost like it was singing a song called "thank god I did not have to listen to my dad talk". Okay, that thought kind of made want to chuckle and, for a second, I didn't feel so rotten. Then, another image would flash into my mind, followed by the same type of feelings I felt in the cove. How soft and warm he was, with the cool night, water. He and I. Our touch our kiss. Chills ran all through my body, my guy parts jumping in response. I quickly started doing some math in my head, to avoid the inevitable embarrassing boner that was struggling to make room in my pants.
Suddenly, my dad turned the car down the dirt road that led deeper into the redwoods and closer to our destination, Dad's favorite camping area. Usually, at that time of the year, there is hardly anyone camping there. Not many people even knew of the place. There were no hook ups for RV',s, not that one would even fit down the small dirt road, but you know how them RV people can be. They take those forty foot RV's and attempt to park them in some small places, having them stick out in everyone's way then turn on their ac, their satellite dish, and tv spoiling everyone's time. Why did they even leave home? Okay, now I sound like my dad. One time,. my dad just went over and cut the power cord, saying, " I did not drive all the way out here to listen to that shit!" My dad, you just got to wonder about that dude.
My dad had a gentle smile on his face when we first arrived. It would, for a moment, seem that maybe he was human. Maybe we could actually have a good time. But, once the tent would keep him guessing, once again, as how to put it together, his happy grin would melt away and he would start bitching about anything and everything. Man, this sucked! Why did I let him drag me here! I hate this! I hate him! I knew, I had no choice, unless I wanted to get my ass kicked. I had felt his wrath many times and the fear of it never left me. Never, Not even for one second. Okay, that night... that one night that everything melted away, all the fear left me. That possibly was the only time I ever felt that way. Bam! As usual, when I was off in a thought, my dad would throw something at me. This time, the tent. It wasn't a large tent but I think it weighed more then me. losing my balance, almost falling over, I quickly snapped back into the reality I was doomed to. Two days of this, I remembered though, that I did love it when I got away from my dad and went off for a walk threw the redwoods. That was the only thing that was keeping me going, at that point. I tried to help get the tent set up, as fast as I could, so I could start that walk. Then it started. The happiness that I had seen on my dad's face was gone, as he yelled at me.
"You stupid fuck, can't you do anything right? Just let me do it! Go get the rest of the stuff out of the truck! Let me do this!" He yelled.
Whoohoo, good! I liked my new job better and wasted no time finishing it. Then, I just walked off. I new this would piss my dad off. But, I also new that if I did not make my getaway now he would be shoving a fishing pool in my hand and the torture of having to sit with him at the river would begin.
The musty sweet smell of the forest floor as my body slammed into the ground. Here was the moment! It could not be held back another second. Even though, my mind raced for one last piece of evidence that it was not true. I knew, I just new it. I always have. Girls would always end up my best friends and guys would always make me feel nervous and my heart would speed up and feelings would arise that I had was very good at stuffing back down into that deep secret place. But no longer could that place hold on and I said it. In my head, at first. Maybe, a few times in my head, it is hard to say. Then, I heard the words as they finally flew out of my mouth
"I am gay. Damn it, I am fucking gay." Tears were falling from my eyes to the forest floor. With all them feelings and all those tears I had to be seeing things. Those were not shoes standing there in front of me, where they? They were. Well, they had not better be my dads shoes. I had finally given into some aspect of my self, and was at a point now ready to think about what I should do about it, and now here I am. Slowly, I lifted my head from shoes up, to see who was standing there. I knew, before I got to his face, who it was, but hope was holding out to the last second.
Not a word was spoken. Had he heard me? The look on his face was not like any I had ever seen. Fear hit me, I was searching for something familiar in that look. I would have been somewhat okay, had I seen the pissed look I was so used to seeing or that look he gave me when I screwed something up like not making the team for football. The disappointed look, I knew that one. But, this look I had never seen, this look frightened me more than I could ever imagine.
I felt like I had just lost every thing. Like the gods hated me for sure, the gods must have been sitting back with a huge bag of popcorn just enjoying the show, reveling in there creation of complete shit. They had to be proud of how much of a mess they could create, how miserable they could make one person. They had to hate me. I had plenty of proof.
My dad and I just looked at eachother, the stare was long and painful. I waited for that "oh so familiar" ass kicking. My dad leaned down on one knee and reached for me. I was ready to flinch, as if a flinch would make it heart less when the bashing started. Then, he put his arm around me and pulled me close and hugged me. Who was this man? Had I hit my head on the ground or a branch and was doing some kind of Dorothy in the OZ dream? Some man was hugging me and saying "it is ok son". I thought I heard someone say "son", who was he talking to?
"Breathe son, you need to breathe. It is going to be okay." I must have been bleeding from a scratch on my head and some blood had reached my eye, only adding to the confusion. "It's going to be okay. everything is going to be okay, take slow breaths, son. You must breathe! it is all going to be all right."
Black! It is funny how just sudden black, not seeing a thing, buzzing in my ears, was a welcomed experience. I faintly remembered feeling as though I was laying in someone's arms and being carried somewhere. Then, I remember waking up, laying in our tent. It took a few minutes for me to even remember where I was. Wow, now I remember! I had an emotional overload, spoke the evil word "gay", forgot to breath, some strange man was hugging me and me and my dad had gone camping,. There he was, right now, coming into the tent holding a damp cloth and saying "welcome back son, let me put this on your head. You got a nasty cut there just above your eyebrow. Now, son, I know what I heard you say and I want you to stay calm this time. Things will be okay, you just stay relaxed ok?" That was my dad talking to me? It was! What a trip! I have no plans of tapping my heels together and saying "I want to go home, I want to go home" over and over . This place I had magically traveled off to, I liked. Okay, I know this is real. But how could it be? My dad being nice to me, even loving? He said I blacked out, and he had carried me back to camp. He told me to pack things up so that he could take me home.
"How are you feeling, son?"
How was I Feeling! I don't ever recall anyone asking me that question before. "I am okay, Dad," I said. "We don't have to go home, my head hurts and I think a ride in the truck would be worse" I answered.
"Are you hungry? I should start our dinner. Oh, yeah, I have to go back out in the woods and get our fishing gear, I left it behind."
I almost started laughing, it was just a nervous reaction, sort of like my body didn't know what emotion to pick from the experience. Alright, so I was a dork. I took everything too far, I let my emotions get the best of me. Maybe, being gay was not all that bad. Okay, so I was out of the closet to my self for a few seconds... then, I outed my self to my dad by mistake... forgot to breath... passed out... and so far, in this short time, it was not so bad at all. Just weird feeling. And my dad that is just something I just don't understand . Geez, if I had known that all I had to do was crash through the forest , cut myself to bits, screamed that I was gay, and pass out, I would have done that long ago. Even if I wasn't gay, I would have lied just for that one hug from him. Just hearing him say "it will be ok son", just once, I would have done it. For just one second of having my dad show love for me, I would have done it a long time ago.
Just then, my dad returned. I knew he was going to ask me about what happened. What made me go wacko. I was not sure what to say but I felt at ease. There was something in that hug. I guess, love, real dad loves son love, like better then brady bunch dad love. I wasn't afraid, WOW! Me, not afraid? This is twice. Now . My dad came into the tent, bringing me breakfast for dinner. I think the only thing my dad knew how to cook was fish and bacon and gravy. We had not fished so the meal was the standard. Usually, my dad would be feeding me that and saying "had you listened, we would be eating fish, right now. You need to work on your cast, you just fish the same spot." I would just think, "Hey, I don't see that you had much more luck, man ." That just grated on me. But, this time, he said "Here, son, hope it came out all right for ya. I tried to make bacon crispy like you like it but the fire just would not cooperate.", I was amazed at the transformation I was seeing in my dad. The only thing that seemed the same was him being unpredictable and yet predictable, at the same time.
"Ok so, only if you want to son, only if you feel ok, you should tell me what is going on." He added.
I quickly answered, "What is there to say? All I can say is that I have tried every thing I could to make it not true but... dad... I am gay. I just am, and I just cant keep pretending anymore. It is killing me to do that dad."
Wow, I really felt it, when I said "dad", like I actually loved him or something. Weird , I also felt the freedom of being me, no pretending, just me, take it or leave it. It felt good, it felt soooo good.
"Well, son, I have to tell you about what happened to my friend when I was your age. My friend Jake and I were best friends. We were inseperable. I knew him from such a young age, I don't even remember him not being my buddy. But he killed him self, a long time ago. I was about 17 when that happened. I loved him so much, he was my best buddy. I didn't know he was gay. I don't think I even knew what that was. Even though I didn't understand it at the time, I understood that I missed him so much, and I could not understand how anything could be so bad that he had to choose such a permanent way to deal with it . When I found you in the woods and you said you were gay, all I could do was think of how much I loved you and how I could not take it if I lost you like I lost Jake."
I listened. I watched and I could almost see a tear forming, but I think he had dad power or something and that tear didn't make it far. I realized that maybe he had just forgotten how to feel, maybe, there were so many hard knocks in his life that he only felt safe with anger, and maybe even his anger was somehow his safe way of loving someone. Good or bad, at least I was beginning to understand him. That was new. As I listened, he told of how he and his buddy's favorite thing to do was to camp and fish, and how just skipping rocks across a lake or river on a long summer day was just the best time they had.
"So, you think you are gay? Besides that, what has happened that has gotten you so upset?" He asked, then went on, "You can tell me son, I will not get mad, I will try to understand."
There was no way I could tell him about that night on the beach. No way, even if he he did understand, it would be way to creepy to tell my dad that I was in love with a boy named Jason. But he just was trying so hard to be a good dad I had to say something. So, I just told him that I had fallen in love. Then, I laid down and closed my eyes and waited for sleep.
He said love is something that can be rare, so if I have found love I had better make sure I don't let it slip away. With those words, I felt a warm feeling come over me and drifted off to sleep.
We arrived home, late the next day. The whole trip home we just chattered away, hardly letting a minute pass without one of us talking or laughing at some great story we had just shared with eachother. When we walked in the door, I think my mom didn't even know who we were, with all the smiling we were doing.
I went to my room to call Jude. I had not gotten a chance to talk with her and I knew that she was going to want to know the w hole scoop, what I wanted is to know if she new how I was going to find him again. I knew, Jude would know what to do. All right, I am wimping out here, again. It is just that all I knew about him is that he was visiting his cousin for the summer and that it was his first time on that beach. I was thinking that I should just go to the beach each weekend until he came back. Just then, Jude answered the phone. What a shock! It was 7:14pm and she was home!
I said, surprisingly, "You are home! Are you ok?"
"I am fine but was worried about you and new you would call sooner or later, " she answered.
If you would like to comment on my story you can eather email me at zowell@mindspring.com or go to http://communities.msn.com/californiagayguys and post your thoughts on my the message board