Disclaimer: Story characters belong to the author, any resemblances to real people are entirely coincidental.
Content Advisory: Adult situations, language, sexual references
Copyright, 2010, Anyta Sunday
I hope you enjoy it. Please comment to: anytasunday@gmail.com
This story will continue to be posted on Nifty. It is COMPLETED, however, and can be found also at http://www.gayauthors.org/story/anytasunday/shaneandtrey
Also, St-st-stuffed (following Karl and Paul--introduced in this chapter, I believe-is just completed and can be found at http://www.gayauthors.org/story/anytasunday/st-st-stuffed )
Chapter Eight
Trey wasn't there when I got to the car. He'd left the keys in our letterbox with a note saying see you later. Which didn't happen either. So for the last week I'd had the room to myself. Mostly, I thought this a good thing. I wouldn't have known what to say to him anyway. But I knew he was with June. I'd gone around to talk to her the day after the—thing, and had seen them through the crack of her open door, holding each other.
Of course, as it should be, I'd thought, hating myself for the self pity curdling my gut. Whatever, get over it, I'm stupid if I thought it would ever be otherwise.
Thinking it would be best to keep this distance between us, I'd gone to the student association. It turned out changing rooms was not an option, unless, quote, "The problems are serious and cannot be worked out through other sources of mediation."
Apparently the first step would have been discussing our issues together with the dorm supervisor. Well, I couldn't see that happening.
Adding to my worries, Syd had been acting sort of—um—odd. He'd be smiling one moment and—sometimes within the same breath, even—frowning the next. Which is exactly what I was looking at now, sitting across from him on the floor by his bed.
"Okay, Syd, what's up? Really?"
He looked at me, the sudden wetness in his eyes brightening the green. I slid over and pulled him into an embrace. It was sort of awkward because of the way he sat, but it didn't matter.
"I shouldn't be upset about it, but I am."
"Upset about what?" I asked, lifting his head so I could see him better.
"Lucas. He..." Syd shrugged and moved out of my grip, leaning his head back on the bed. He rubbed his eyes, the same like I did when I wanted not cry.
"Hey, it'll be okay." A stupid statement, considering I had no idea what had happened, what was wrong. "Tell me about it, yeah?"
Syd smiled and continued to stare at the ceiling. "Do you believe in love at first sight?" He didn't wait for my answer, which was a good thing because I wasn't sure I would have been able to. "That happened when I met Lucas. I mean, when I bumped into you at the cafeteria, I thought you were hot and sweet, and I clicked with you. I don't regret trying to woo you either." He laughed, and I smiled. "But when I saw Lucas, actually I heard is voice first. Him and his band performed during the day at the Ori café. And his voice—God this is going to sound corny, but he sounded like an angel." Lifting his head, he met my eye. "Something panged inside. My heart just started like ka-bom, ka-bom, ka-bom really fast."
"But that's wonderful, man. And he likes you back, right?"
Syd got off the floor and moved to his desk, rearranging papers on it. His shuffling made me nervous. "He does, doesn't he?" At least everything he'd described to me sounded as if it had been requited.
"Yup. He does. A lot."
Okay, so why was Syd so—
"He's positive."
The air around my ears thickened, and I was sure I'd not heard him right. "Sorry, what?"
"He told me that afternoon we had a date. He was straight up about it and said he was HIV positive." A knot tightened in my gut. "He's bi. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him and that's how he got it. He didn't use protection, because he trusted her."
I hardly had time to digest the implications of what he was telling me, when he continued.
"The thing is that scares me."
I breathed out heavily. No words came to me. Only the knot inside me seemed to grow. "Have you two—"
"No. But I want to. Really, really want to."
"Ah," I said, trying to think rationally and fairly, although a big part of me wanted to tell him to let this one go. I just...Syd was my friend. I didn't want to see him get hurt, much less get...I shook my head. He couldn't keep seeing this guy. I mean, everything I'd heard about it was that it was dangerous. Or was that just dated thinking?
A tear slid out the corner of his eye. "I love him, Shane."
I sat rooted to the floor unable to get up, to comfort him. Was I being so narrow minded not wanting him to be with the guy? "You said you shouldn't feel upset about it. But, Syd, I think you can be. HIV is a big deal."
"Yes. But it's not like it used to be, either. Yesterday, I went with Lucas to this support group where people shared their stories and discussed what it meant being positive. Well, Lucas looks after himself, he takes his meds. He says he wished it never happened, but that he lives with it. It's a part of his life, but it doesn't dictate it." Syd leaned back on his desk and crossed his arms. "And I mean, arrghhh,"—he began tapping his foot—"It's not like we wouldn't use protection, right? So why am I still so scared?"
My immediate reaction was to tell him he was right to be scared. That he should just not go there, but when I thought about it, I felt sick with myself. Wasn't that discriminating? Like I was segregating what people could sleep with what other people? I mean, should it matter? As long as the two people involved were careful, right?
"Have you, ah, talked to him about it?" I asked finally.
"We sort of—No I skirt around the issue. He wanted to talk about it more last night, but I sort of freaked and changed topic." Syd's face had gone red in embarrassment.
"I don't want to be this person. I don't want it to ruin what we could have. Which I believe would be something really amazing. But I'm afraid my fear is very unattractive. And how can it not be? He probably thinks I don't accept him entirely—and who would want to be with someone who thought that?"
Limbs in working order again, I stood up and gave Syd a hug. "You're being a bit hard on yourself. You've only known him how long, a week? Just over?" He nodded, his chin bouncing on my shoulder. "Well, maybe just take things slowly. Get yourself used to the idea. And when you're ready, talk to him about it, yeah?"
He gave me a small squeeze and thanked me.
"How about a game?" I asked, rubbing my hands.
Syd grabbed one and we played. I made sure to lose most of the games in an effort to make him feel better, but on the end few, where I did play to win, Syd beat me anyway. I laughed. So much for trying to lose.
"Hey Shane?"
"Mmmm?" I dropped the controls on the couch between us.
"Maybe... Would you meet him? I—I want to show him he means something to me. I thought introducing him to my friends..."
I was touched. The gesture would be sweet to Lucas, but it meant something to me too. That confirmation from him of our friendship made me feel the lightest I had all day—scrap that, all week. "Yeah, man. Of course." Then after a pause I added, "It's a shame we never worked out. How much simpler life would be, right?"
"Maybe. I'm hoping love is worth the hassle." Syd laughed lightly. "We'll see." He waited a moment, searching my face. "You know you're going to have to tell me about it sometime."
"About what?"
Syd shrugged. "You tell me."
Not now, but soon. Sometime soon. I jumped up from the couch. "Let's go get some chocolate milkshake."
When the library shut for the night, I traipsed across campus to the dorms. It'd been hard to focus on my work, thoughts of Trey, June and Syd circling my mind. After talking with Syd this afternoon, I felt an extra layer of worry cloaked over me. I felt so, so sick. Eating was difficult and, I—ah—had to make myself throw up to feel a little better again.
Now the fresh air on my face helped a bit, but I knew nothing was going to get properly better until I talked to June. As if she sensed my need—I mean, we were twins why wouldn't she?—she was sitting with her back to my room, waiting for me. Okay, well I assumed it was me since Trey had been with her all this time.
Staring into the distance, she didn't seem to see me approach. Her puffy eyes worried me and I dropped to a crouch. "June? Are you okay?"
She snapped out of her reverie and focused on me, a hard and pained look straining her sweet face. She pulled herself up, ignoring the offer of my hand. That simple action had my heart beating in triples. Bile swirled up my throat, my gut hurt. What had happened? "Come on inside, we can chat."
Glancing into the room, she flinched. "Actually, I'd rather we talked back in my room. I can't go in there right now." Her hand shook as she flicked it in the direction of Trey's bed.
I was really anxious now. "Okay, sure."
As soon as we got to her room and were alone—her roomie Sara was on a mountain climbing trip for two weeks—I met her gaze. "What's happened, June?"
"We—we—we broke up," she said, breaking into sobs.
I reached out to bring her close to me, but she swatted my hands away and stepped back. "He said he thinks he might be gay."
I froze, immediately reflecting on how he'd pressed up against me, he'd definitely been aroused, and—
"I knew. Deep down, I actually knew. I'm so stupid, so dumb." She took a ragged breath and continued to spill her thoughts in a complicated web. But her emotion was evident. I wished she'd let me hold her and not push me away. "I feel like a part of me has disappeared. It's hard that he still loves me. Can you believe he told me that?" Pointing to her ruffled bed sheets, she said, "Three days he held me and kept saying he'd try harder. That somehow he'd make it work between us again. That he'd ignore it. I told him not to bother."
She wiped her streaming tears with the back of a hand. "But, and the worst bit is, a part of me is relieved. I never thought I'd think that. Never thought it would be the case. But—I'd been making so many excuses why he couldn't sleep with me anymore. Weeks. Ever since that day you..."
That day I what? But she drifted off, now looking out her window. "It's so hard, Shane. I want him to be happy, but I wanted it to be me to be the one to do that."
She sighed and I took the opportunity to speak. "You did make him happy. He's told you, he's told me even that he loves you."
"He really told you that?" June stopped sniffling and frowned. "He said he hopes in time I'll forgive him and understand." For a moment she met my eye, but it was brief. "I already have, but I don't want to have so soon."
I closed my eyes. My sister was the most loving person in the world. Her sensitivity, honesty, and the depth of which she felt things made her just so, so damn beautiful. This time when I pulled her toward me, I didn't let her push me away. Finally, she rested her head on my shoulder and I sat on her bed, letting her snuggle on my lap. She was breathing more calmly now.
In an oddly calm voice she said, "He said he's thought things... thought about..."
My heart pumped fast and erratic. Every time she mentioned Trey I felt guilty and sad. As if every one of his thoughts that had turned him off my sister was something to do with me.
June stopped talking, and for over half an hour I held her. Her hair caught in my fingers as she suddenly pulled away while I was stroking it. She met my eye, her expression serious. "I need you to do something for me, Shane. I need you to look after him."
What? Whoa, no way—
"He's really upset. I told him I couldn't have him here with me anymore. That I needed some space. I want to comfort him, but I can't. And I think he needs someone to talk to about stuff." She continued holding my gaze and as she said `stuff' I saw a flicker in them, as if—did she know something? Was this her bringing the topic up? Should I tell her? Surely this was not the right time to bring it up, right?
"I don't think I'm the best person—"
"Shane. Please. You room with him. You're able to keep an eye out."
No. The idea was to get away from him, not the opposite. I should just be honest with her. I would--"But June, sweets, I don't feel right about it. There's something I need to—"
She shook her head, warning me with her stare. "Don't say it. I think I know. But I can't handle learning it for sure."
What? What...How...Did she know, know?
"It's partly my fault, anyway."
Her fault? What was she on about? "Nothing's your fault, June. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, okay?" I lifted her chin, but she looked out the corner of her eyes.
"You know you're more than my brother, yeah?"
I held her tighter. "Yeah."
"I'd do anything for you too, you know."
For a couple more hours I stayed with her, until my legs started cramping, and I was busting to go to the bathroom. Still, I could hold on a little longer. My gaze fell onto a framed family photo next to her bed. Mom, June and I together at the beach as young kids. "Hmmm."
"What?"
"I was just weighing up how much of a bad time this would be to tell you..." She looked at me expectantly, and I grinned. "...that Dad's coming at the end of the month."
June laughed. It was only a tenth of her usual enthusiasm, but it was something. "Actually, it might help change my focus of thought. It's not much better, but any change is welcome."