Hello everybody! I'm back after a long hiatus of writing. I'm sorry for the long delay, but coming up with new material off the top of my head is kinda hard to do. I appreciate everyone who read/commented on my last series "Loving A Shadow".
This story that is not all about sex, but rather something that goes a bit deeper than our carnal desires. This story has been planned to contain several installments (or episodes if you will) as opposed to last time where I accidentally made it be so (seriously).
If this isn't your style, then don't read it. Or if you are not of legal age, or find it offensive don't read it. Simple as that. Comments/suggestions are always appreciated. If you've read my earlier series, then you know that I am appreciative of my readers, but if you haven't then you will find out. :-) Enjoy!!
Chapter One: Diary Entries of a Sane Mad-Girl
June 1, 2154
Dearest Illitor,
Well here I am. Today marks my fifth birthday in this God-forsaken place. It was actually kind nice today actually. I was given a cake from my buddy down the block, Captain Jack. I think it's hilarious that he believes he's a pirate and the people in his block is his crew, but I'll let him continue thinking that for a while longer. Even Sgt. Cook made an appearance at our little party. Speaking of which, almost the entirety of D-Block was in attendance. It was such a nice day.
Inkye himself had a present in store for me. He played with happiest song I've ever heard. Oh, it was so nice! My cellmate Sarah even made me a nice frame for the picture Warden Hansen took of us last summer. Unfortunately you can see the perimeter wall in the background. OH DAMN IT..........I've got to go before He finds out about you.
June 16, 2154
Dearest Illitor,
I apologize for not being able to speak with you for the longest time. After breakfast Monday that damn Sgt. Cook asked me to "practice my therapy sessions" once again. Naturally I declined and tried to go about my way. When I was about to leave the library, he threw me against the doorway and proceeded to kiss me. Even though, somehow, I managed to throw him off of me he continued his assault with a renewed vigor. He slapped me across the face, roughly grabbed my jaw and tried again. This time, I just let him get it over with. In front of everyone he grabbed me by the arm and escorted me to the ice shed behind the kitchen. That odious dog of a man threw me into the side of the small shack and punched me in the face. I knew at that point my mind went numb, not just from the pain but from the knowledge of what was coming next. Once again he slapped me for my disobedience and spun me around. I knew what he wanted and through my numbed state I could vividly hear the sound of my pants and panties being ripped apart by his monstrous arms. I just stayed there, letting him slide his syringe of poison deep inside of me. Again and again he pounded against me each time telling me what a "whore" and "maggot" I truly am. I guess after being here for so long, you start to believe such banter. When I tried to look back over my shoulder, he would grab my hair and slam my face into the metal wall upon which my weak arms braced me. It was after the third time that I felt the true nature of his poison enter my body. He was of course moaning in ecstasy while my head, nose and labia were bleeding. Once his poison filled the hole his deadly needle was in, he pulled it out of me and punched me once again in the eye causing me to fall nearly unconscious. Instead of him leaving and it being just a usual day, he dragged me by my small ankles into the ice shed. There he tossed me against the far wall while saying I wasn't deserving of his love. It was then he shut and locked the door leaving me nearly nude inside of the freezing shack.
While I heard him knocking on the walls as he passed, I felt his poison leak down my shaking and weak thighs. Almost immediately I was feeling the coldness of the room. The only light source coming from the small lantern next to the fans, all I could see was how I would die. I could see frozen cow parts hanging nearby and icicles dangling from the ceiling.
My body, weakened from the rape and lack of food for nearly a week, feel upon itself. I just huddled into a ball and wished the hand of death would touch me soon. For my entire tenure at this place, I had been someone?s sex slave; I'd been passed from one to the next. Sgt. Cook was my first and he is bound and determined to be my last. He has long hated that the other "guards" have had me and now, my most recent, Dr. Sarah Jackson. I have been her "girlfriend" for the better part of a year now. She is the cruelest of them all. I was her patient before becoming her whore and she long planned to steal me away from the sergeant. She knows everything about me and uses that to get what she wants from me. It was she who ordered that I not have laced shoes or elongated bed sheets lest I kill myself with them. I know not why they all chose me, but that is my place in here. Nothing will ever change that.
Sorry, Illitor, for spilling my heart out like that, but I appreciate you listening. It was approaching dinner time when I was found. The orderly said I looked like a piece of meat had fallen off its hook when he found me. I don't think his estimate could have been any closer to the truth. He immediately took me to the infirmary. They treated me for my wounds but failed to ask me who had done that to me. Naturally I was less than surprised. The head doctor of this place, Dr. Brad stone, once held me in his "special closet" for a month before Sgt. Cook came and "rescued" me from it.
I'm glad to have a friend like you Illitor. One who listens and never complains. I can't wait until I am reunited with Inkye! We've been parted for so long. I am sure you wish for a reunion as well, Illitor. Warden Hanson says I can have him back just as soon as the week has passed. Sarah would love to hear Inikye's music once again. She says it's the only way she can sleep soundly. That is quite ironic, is it not, that my good friend and cellmate shares the name of the one to whom I am a whore. If it not for her dependence of me, I would think there was no kindness in these walls.
Thank you, Illitor, for listening to me once again. I will let you know when I get Inkye back.
Love, Amanda
June 21, 2154
Dearest Illitor,
I took two more days than expected, but Inkye has finally come back to me. I am sitting here at my desk feeling things I have not felt in a long time. I am overjoyed to have my family back together; however, at the same time I am growing more and more disgusted with myself. Dr. Jackson held Inkye from me for those two extra days because I refused to obey her commands. That Medusa of a therapist, always wearing a coy smile, told me that we would remain apart until I "voluntarily continued my therapy". After eighteen hours, I couldn't stand being apart any longer. I relented my hate of that woman-thing and agreed to start my sessions anew. That she-devil, sitting on the edge of her desk, told me to "take my place in the world" before her. I immediately fell to my knees and awaited what was coming to me. She kicked me in the mouth with those pointed shoes of hers causing me to fall back to the floor. While I was holding my face in agony, she casually strode over to me. I looked up at her through my fingers; still she had that evil smile on her face. She stood atop of me with a foot on either side of my abdomen and proceeded to fall to her knees. I could feel her strong thighs against my sides. She took my hands into hers and, with a tender look, gave my mouth a healing kiss. My lips were split and bleeding, but she seemed to revel in the idea of taking my blood into her mouth. She speared her tongue against my cuts and licked them. As she did so, I felt two things happening simultaneously. One: I felt my tension rise and fall at my brain's confusion, and two: I felt her strong legs begin to constrict against my lungs making my heavy breathing even more labored. Once she was satisfied that weird fetish of blood licking, not to mention squeezing the air out of me, she stood up once again. With that tender look in her eyes and evil smile on her lips, she ordered me to "do my duties as her whore". I rolled off my back and proceeded pull her panties down her strong legs. As they slowly lowered down her legs, I could hear her giggling and feel my stomach begin to churn. Once her under-garment was down to her feet she simply stepped out of them instead of kicking me in the abdomen as she usually does. I guess she had already welcomed to her office. She retook her place at the edge of her desk and instructed me to crawl to her. I felt my blood run cold. My face was turning a ghostly pale as I crawled toward this woman-thing. As I neared, she opened her thighs and told me to "enjoy my present". The stench of her musk and poor maintenance of her pubic region was enough to make a dog want to vomit--and I was close enough already. However, I knew what would happen if I refused. In light of my first-hand knowledge, I planted my face into her open thighs and began to stroke my tongue against her vagina. Over and over I heard her moaning in her own ecstasy. She had a firm grip on my hair with her hands and a tight hold of my head with her thighs. Again and again she would blurt out "lick me you dirty whore" or my personal favorite "eat doctor's pussy my insane slut". Of all the names I've been called that one always makes me laugh. I felt her orgasm several times against my mouth. "Drink all of it or you'll be sent back to ice shed" she told me in a not-so-pleasant tone. After she was finished, she squeezed against my ears. Her powerful thighs propelled me backwards and then she kicked me in my mouth once again. The combined tastes of her vaginal secretions and blood almost made me lose the little food I'd eaten. She stood proudly before me, awaiting my return to her feet. Without any verbal commands, I instinctively opened the holes of her panties and brought them up to their original place. While I was still on the floor, she walked over to the closet. Inkye had been stashed in there the whole time. She told me to go over to her and kiss her. She wanted to taste her own secretions and my blood once again before I left with my friend.
However disgusted I am with myself for doing this, I am happy in the knowledge that I would do anything to keep Inkye from being parted from me. Before I started telling you about my day, Sarah wanted Inkye to sing her to sleep. He sang the most lovely song I've heard: a slow tempo Mozart piece. Before I finished the overture, I could hear her snoring. Sgt. Cook came to my window and smiled at his song. This makes the second time I've ever seen that man-thing smile.
Illitor, I am going to say good night now. Inkye and I have some catching up to do.
Love, Amanda
June 28, 2154
Dearest Illitor,
I am truly sorry for making you feel abandoned this past week. For the first time since my arrival I've been completely free of doing "my duties" to my captors. It's been an amazing week. I was given three full-course meals for the first time in years. Oh, it was so good to feel the warmth of roast beef with a complete compliment of side items like mashed potatoes and green beans. I've almost forgotten what a full stomach feels like. Sgt. Cook himself presented me with the tray full of food and he did so as if he was serving the president himself. You know at first I was skeptical of his motives, but I decided to not care and just enjoy it. Even if he's slowly poisoning me, at least I will finally remember what it's like to have someone who pretends to give a damn.
That reminds me: I heard rumors today that a bunch of my class are getting released soon. I didn't get all of the details, but I heard it was sometime in July when the exodus will begin. Here we are, just two weeks out from the start of that time line. Maybe, just maybe, we will be getting out of here with Inkye before his next birthday. Oh, what a glorious thought to behold. I know, Illitor, I must calm myself and not get my hopes up about this whole mess, but I can't. Unlike you Illitor, it's been years since I've had any hope. So let me revel in the idea of making an eternal exit from this damn place. Please?
Oh, no...he's trying to talk to me again. I am truly sorry Illitor. I must go now before He finds out about you.......
Chapter Two: A Chance Encounter
Brittany strode down the not-so-busy streets of downtown Kennview. The rain that fell the night before was still evident in the puddles she occasionally stepped over. She listening to her girlfriend, Kayla, going on and on about the upcoming fiesta. She knew from the sound of her voice that she was more than excited to have been invited. Kayla kept going on and on about how "everyone is going to be there" and some other mindless banter. Brittany, on the other hand, wasn't the least bit interested in going. She never liked the person who invited them or any of her friends, but she went along with her girl for the sake of spending time together.
As Kayla kept talking, Brittany did her part and listened to every word, even if she disliked the subject. Kayla, ever the stereotypical blond, had no way of knowing that her girlfriend hated the people she hung out with. She never could pick up on the tension between them whenever they were together, nor could she see the anger in Brittany's eyes whenever they passed. All that seemed to matter to Kayla, at least in Brittany's mind, was going to parties and having a good time. Brittany, ever the mindful girlfriend, always put on a smile and kept the peace; even if she did want nothing more than to reach out and break her neck.
"Brit," Kayla said tugging on her arm, "aren't you listening to me?"
"Yeah," Brittany said smiling her pearly white teeth. "What time does Kendra want us to be at her house?"
"She told me to show up around seven, eight o'clock," Kayla said smiling back. That smile of Brittany's could brighten even the darkest of days. "You know everyone who is anyone will be there to kick off our senior year..." Brittany let the rest trail off as she gazed into the windows of the downtown buildings.
As they passed by the music shop at the end of College Street, Brittany took particular notice of their reflection. Kayla didn't bother to notice at all until she was stopped by the sudden halt of her girlfriend. She looked back at her then into the store then back at Brittany with a questioning look on her face. Brittany just stared into her own eyes and saw something that she never realized before, but before she could ponder the thought too much she received another tug on her arm, "You O.K., Brit?"
"Yeah, I just thought I saw something," Brittany said in a soft voice.
"It's just the music store," Kayla said not understanding, "we pass it everyday..."
"Yeah, I know," Brittany said sighing, "but don't you ever wonder if maybe there's something that's been buried deep inside that you can't find until some else finds it for you?"
"I wonder if you ever don't think of this shit all the time," Kayla answered smiling. Brittany loved that smile of hers and the tenderness that Kayla sends with it "Besides, I know I unlocked something even better last night," Kayla breathed into her ear.
"Stop it you slut," Brittany said laughing, feeling the her skin rise and fall with each breath that entered her ear. Kayla knew every spot on Brittany's body that could send her over the edge without any effort and her favorite hobby was testing each one.
"O.K.," Kayla play-whined backing off a bit. "What do you say to some ice cream before we go shopping?"
"I'd say it sounds like a plan," Brittany answered before kissing her girlfriend.
As they sat in the Diary Queen just across the street from the music shop, Kayla continued on with her previous subject while Brittany tuned out and thought more and more about the mysterious moment she had minutes before. There was something in her eyes that didn't look the least bit happy at all, almost as if her soul itself was trying to tell her something she couldn't understand. The more Kayla talked, seemingly without taking a breath, the more Brittany pondered her own emotions. They both sat in their booth with their own mental agendas; however, Brittany is a skilled listener. Being able to think about these random issues that pop up while listening to someone go on and on about whatever was on their mind is a skill she blames on her mother's genes.
"Come on, Brit," Kayla said after swallowing some of her ice cream, "you could at least show a little interest about the party tonight."
"Yeah I know," Brittany said back taking a bite of her sundae, "I just hope that it doesn't turn out like last time..."
"Do you have to bring that up again?" Kayla said feeling ashamed and angered. "I said I was sorry like a million times..."
"I believe you, Kayla," Brittany cut her off before she could get into her excuse, "and you promised you wouldn't do it again. All I was saying was I hope it doesn't turn out that way again. That's all." Brittany cupped her hand into Kayla's and smiled an assuring smile.
"Oh, I love it when you smile at me like that." Kayla leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek before going back to her ice cream.
Once again, Brittany found herself staring out the window. Once again thinking things she doesn't want to think about, not because of her disdain for Kendra or her parties, and not because she is that random of a person. What she saw in her reflection scared her. Unfortunately for her, Kayla wouldn't want to talk about a subject such as that and that's another fact that scared her.
The pair continued their successful window-shopping spree. They passed by many stores without setting foot into any of them. This was about the only activity they had to just themselves, no parents, no friends, just the two of them. As they neared the Borders book store at the end of First Street, they saw a crowd gathered around the front door. Their curiosity about the goings-on was soon put to rest as they heard a cello begin to bellow out it's song. Brittany, the lover of classical music, stopped dead in her tracks as she heard this master player perform. Even Kayla, who never liked anything to do with classical music, was astounded as well by the sound of this music. It sounded much heavier that a typical cello being played. The song which started out like a Mozart piece quickly turned into something that sounded metal--some people in the crowd were head-banging to this song. The pair tried to push their way to the front of the line with no success. Of all the concerts she's been to, this was the first time that Brittany ever heard someone shredding on a cello.
The crowd gave the more than earned applause when the song ended, nearly ten minutes later. Some of the people moved on with what they were doing while others stayed behind wanting him to continue the show. Their wish was granted. Brittany and Kayla watched the show for another hour-and-a-half. Neither of them said a word the whole time. Each song seemed to get more dark than the last, almost as if he was telling the story of some unfortunate person finding his way to the inner circle of Hell itself. The player, who kept his hood over his head and never looked up, played one last song. It sounded more like a requiem than a sinister song like he'd been playing. When he was finished, he carefully picked the random assortment of money out of the instrument's case and packed it away.
"Wow," Kayla said wide-eyed, "that was freaking amazing. Plus it was free!"
"I've never heard that before ever in my whole life," Brittany said looking at the instrument's case. "I wonder if he's ever played in an orchestra or symphony."
"Why don't you ask him?" Kayla asked, playfully nudging Brittany's shoulder
"Carmon," Brittany said suddenly, taking Kayla by the wrist and speeding off down the street. The death-grip on her girlfriend's wrist was making her hand go numb, but Brittany continued her hurried escape down the street until they got to their car.
"You wanna tell me what the hell the was all about?" Kayla demanded finally feeling feelings in her hand again.
"That girl with the cello..." Brittany started but stopped to take a deep breath.
"No that was a guy with the cello," Kayla said trying to probe into the topic.
"Shut up and listen,"Brittany said sternly. "That was a girl with the cello. I've seen her walking aimlessly around my neighborhood recently. The logo on the back of her Hood is proof enough for me. I heard from the grapevine that she was recently released from the mental hospital upstate."
"You've got a nut-case walking around your hood?" Kayla asked in disbelief. She looked at her Brittany with more than an inquisitive glare, she had the look of anger for some reason.
"Why don't you believe me?" Brittany said in her own disbelief.
"Carmon, Brit," Kayla answered a bit more loudly than necessary, "You like the show that 'she' put on, but then you turn around and completely flake out about the whole thing just because you think she's the crazy bitch walking around your street. That doesn't sound like you at all. You're just freaking me out is all."
"Yeah I guess you're right," Brittany said taking a relaxing sigh. "I'll drop you off and be back to pick you up at six."
The ride back to Kayla's house was spent in silence. Neither one of them was wanting to talk about the show or what Brittany saw in herself in that reflection. The both just sat and thought. Kayla was thinking about how much fun it was going to be tonight while Brittany thought about how much things have changed within herself; things that she dare not confess to her own soul.
Brittany stared at her nearly naked reflection as she before she got ready for the party tonight. Her towel covered skin shined nicely with the light of the room, but still she felt those nagging feeling continue their trek along her innards. She stared into her eyes while brushing her hair, but the reflection didn't seem to stare back. She was confused as to why her reflection seemed to have those lifeless eyes. Even as her preparations for tonight were nearing completion, she didn't understand what was up with her mood. Or rather lack of one.
She arrived at Kayla's house a little passed six and Kayla still wasn't ready. Kayla's mom invited her in while calling up to her daughter. Kayla came running down the stairs shortly after hearing the glorious news of her girlfriend arriving. Brittany promised to have her daughter home before twelve, as she always did before going out.
Brittany decided to drive around for a little while before heading over to Kendra's house. Kayla seemed to pick up where she left off hours ago, going on and on about how great this party was going to be and whatnot.
"Brit," Kayla said after noticing she just blindly staring out the window, "Are you sure you're O.K.?"
"Yeah," Brittany breathed, "I just got to thinking before I came over to your house again..."
"And you started to flake out on me again," Kayla teased poking her in the arm. "Wake up in there..."
"Would you stop it already," Brittany said much louder than she intended to.
"Fine," Kayla answered angered by her girlfriend's snappiness. She turned her head and stared away from her girlfriend. Brittany didn't want to say anything. She knew that would only lead to yet another argument, but at the same time she wanted to apologize for being in such a biting mood. Fortunately the solution presented itself. Brittany hadn't realized it, but she'd been unconsciously driving towards Kendra's house.
Kayla was out of the car and heading towards the house before Brittany even had the gear in park. Whatever was going through her head about how scared her reflection made her was just amplified by a factor of ten. She knew that her gut was warning her about something that will happen tonight and this feeling was growing faster knowing full well that inebriated elation will only add to Kayla's already angered stated. Brittany sat in the car thinking about what happened last time they came to a party just after having an argument. She felt her eyes begin to water at the thought of that happening again.
Swallowing her tears and pride, she went into the house to find her Kayla. The place was already pretty full even though there weren't a lot of cars in the driveway. She went to the fridge and got herself a Smirnoff Ice and headed back out to the living room where some of the guys set up a break dancing competition. Brittany began to feel herself start to unwind and actually enjoy herself watching some her friends make complete drunken fools of themselves. She even got see her longtime friend, Curtis, start the idea of diving into the pool from the roof. Laughing and having a good time, she hadn't noticed that she'd been away from Kayla for about two hours. She immediately went looking for her on the front lawn. Her search was stopped when she tripped over someone sitting by himself under the large oak tree.
"Oh, shit, I'm sorry man," Brittany managed to get out after regaining herself. "You O.K.?"
The person didn't move a muscle. He just sat there and continued his gazing of the night sky.
"Hey buddy," Brittany said waving her hand in his face, "did you see Kayla Martin around here at all?"
To this, he shook his head "no".
"Oh damn it! I guess that means that..." Brittany stopped when she noticed him return to his star gazing. She stood under the tree and stopped thinking about where Kayla could be and turned her attention to this boy's loneliness. His strange aura was going straight to Brittany's heart and she felt sympathy for this poor guy. Maybe his girlfriend was off somewhere fucking one of his friends behind his back too.
"Is it O.K. if I sit with you for a second?" Brittany asked politely.
He shook his head "yes" and moved over to allow her some room.
"My name is Brittany by the way," she said. "What's yours?"
This time the boy looked down and pulled a small note pad and pencil out of his Hood's pocket and wrote "Amanda".
"Oh shit," Brittany said after reading the note. Laughing inwardly at her semi-drunken stated as to assume he was a boy. "Sorry, I just thought you were a boy." Amanda just reciprocated the smile.
"What brings you here tonight anyway, Amanda?"
"Just wanted to mingle with semi-normal people," she wrote on her pad. This brought another giggle from Brittany's lips. She took a swig from the bottle before continuing.
"Why are you sitting out here all by yourself when there's plenty to do in there?"
"I quickly found I'm not normal enough to be apart of that crowd," Amanda wrote with a sad look in her eye, but also thought the same about Brittany. "Why are you out here looking for this Kayla person and not in there?"
"We had a stupid fight before we got here," Brittany said looking up at the sky, taking a deep breath. "All day I've had this weird feeling in my gut about something bad was going to happen tonight. Last time we went to a party like this, I found her sitting in an ex-friend's lap getting fingered while she was kissing on her neck. I decided to give her a second chance since all of us were totally wasted and I had no reason to think she would do it again. But ever since then I've felt very empty inside and that feeling has started to interrupt my schoolwork. Just this afternoon I saw a nothing in my reflection's eyes. Kayla isn't the type of girl that understands what it means to have a deep, emotional conversation. Sorry, I must be boring you, but thank you for letting me vent."
"Brittany," Amanda wrote on a clean sheet, "Do you really think that it's right to keep putting yourself through that kind of pain? Take it from me the longer you hold something, the longer it festers into something you don't recognize as you. I think you should be talking to someone else."
"There you are!" a voice called out from the driveway. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"Kayla," Brittany said getting to her feet, "where have you been? You stormed out of my car and I haven't seen you since. I've been worried sick."
"Is that so?" Kayla said still steaming. Brittany could tell her blood alcohol content was far more than she was expecting. "Tell me who the fuck this freak is."
"She's nobody," Brittany said, agitated by Kayla's level of drunkenness. "Don't worry about it. I mean it's not like we got wasted and started fucking." As soon as Brittany said that, she wished she didn't.
"Really," Kayla said a bit calmer for some reason, "prove it."
Brittany turned around to look for Amanda, but she left as soon as she heard Kayla first speak. "I'm not going to fuck you in the state you're in," was all Brittany was able to get out.
"I see," Kayla said on the verge of crying, "did she give it to you that well that you don't want anymore?"
"What is your fucking deal today?" Brittany asked getting even more agitated by the second. "All you've been doing is completely ignoring me and talking about this fucking party, that I didn't want to be at in the first place, then you get all pissed off and leave me alone in the fucking car. So tell me now where the fuck have you been."
Kayla was not expecting anything like this to come from her Brittany; even in the drunken state she's in, she was surprised. Never before had she blown up like this and the look of shock was spelled all over Kayla's face. "I was trying to have a good time," was all she managed to get out.
"Well I hope you fucking got it," Brittany quipped. The blood running through her veins was absolutely teething with anger. "Now, get in my car. I've got a promise to keep."
Brittany grabbed Kayla by the arm, more roughly than necessary, and lead her to the car. Kayla was sober enough to have performed getting in the car on her own, but Brittany opened the door and practically threw her into the vehicle. She stormed her way to other side after slamming Kayla's door shut, making her shudder even more. Brittany slammed her door shut after she got in. They sat in the driveway for a second--Brittany resting her head on her hands against the steering wheel, Kayla trying to avoid being close to her at all cost. Brittany drove Kayla back to her house as quickly as she could. She wanted to be near her as little as possible tonight.
Kayla tried to give Brittany an apology kiss when they reached her house. She leaned over towards her girlfriend and was immediately slapped in the face. Kayla recoiled crying, her brain finally coming out of it's inebriated state. She lightly touched her stinging cheek, her eyes watering already. Kayla exited the car and slammed the door shut. She ran up to her house as Brittany raced off down the street. As she was driving home, she let her true emotions come forth. Her anger gave way to sadness, her love gave way loneliness. She didn't want any of this to be true, but had to finally admit that she doesn't love Kayla anymore.
Finally making it home, she threw the door open and ran right into her mother's arms. She immediately took her daughter into her embrace trying to find out what was going on. Over and over she tried to use soft words to ease her into talking it out, but the teenager's emotions were relentless. They somehow managed to make it to the couch where her mother continued to run her fingers through her soft hair, like she use to do when she was a child. Brittany pulled away from her mother's chest and noticed the huge wet spot from where her tears had flooded from her eyes.
"Now tell me what's going on," her mother asked softly but sternly.
"Kayla and I broke up tonight," Brittany said sobbing.
"Oh, Brittany, I'm so sorry honey," Her mother said pulling her into her chest once again. "What happened at that party tonight to make you want to call it quits?"
"She got completely wasted for the last time," Brittany said fighting back the hurt. Taking a deep breath she continued, "I've been feeling things lately that I thought were just me being nervous, but tonight everything just came together. I not only fell out of love with her, but I realized that she never really loved me. I blew up on her when I finally found her, I even slapped her when she tried to kiss me..." Brittany was cut of from the memory of actually striking Kayla in the face.
"I'm so sorry, honey," her mom said brushing her wet cheek. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel any better?"
"Actually I 'd like some of your cookies." Brittany smiled at the prospect of getting some of her mom's award winning cookies, the one thing that has always turned her mood around no matter what.
Brittany helped her mother with preparing the dough with the enthusiasm of a five-year-old. The were laughing and having a good time making Brittany all but forget about Kayla. They left the dishes in the sink for the morning's chores and just enjoyed the scent of their treat cooking. Brittany and her mom sat around the table and just talked about nothing in particular until they got onto the subject of the party. Brittany immediately clammed up about the the whole topic, but then, for some strange reason, she felt a good come from that party. Only then did she realize she met someone, who didn't even speak, that told her exactly what she needed to hear.
"Brittany, you O.K.?" her mother asked after she noticed her blank state.
"Yeah," she answered blinking herself out of the memory, "I was just thinking about what that girl said to me...or rather what she didn't say." Brittany giggled at the idea that she really didn't tell her anything.
"Well," her mother said probing the topic, "what's the deal?"
"Today when Kayla and I were walking around downtown we happened upon the bookstore where this girl was playing a cello. And this girl can play. I've never heard anything like it before. Kayla and I stayed for the entire show, which lasted about an hour-and-a-half. Do you remember me telling you about that crazy person walking around outside the other day? Well, this was her."
"Well," she answered in a bit of shock, "I guess you jumped to the wrong conclusion there, huh? Keep talking while I get the cookies out of the oven"
"I'm not sure about that, but I am very impressed by her ability. After Kayla and I had a stupid fight tonight, hell I don't even remember why anymore, I found a girl sitting by herself under a tree just looking up at the stars. I still don't know why, but I put Kayla off and sat down next to her. I tried to talk to her, but come to find out she's a freaking mute. I couldn't believe it. I mean, she sat right next to me and listened to me vent about Kayla and what I thought about her, the whole time making me feel good about the whole ordeal. She let me open up, but then she 'told' me that I had to talk to Kayla about what I was going on about."
"Sounds like you at least made a friend," her mom answered, bringing with her a full plate of cookies and a glass of milk.
"I wouldn't say friend, but she was very nice," Brittany admitted. "The next time I see her walking around the school I'll try to talk to her."
"There is one thing you should do first," her mom said sternly.
"What's that?" Brittany asked biting into her cookie.
"Make a clean break from Kayla," her mom said with a serious tone. "I think you do owe her that much for the two years you two were together. I know that tomorrow is Saturday, but get up early and once you've cleaned the dishes I want you to call her and..."
"I get the point mom," Brittany said feeling good about the idea.
They cleaned off their plates and went to bed. Brittany spent some time looking up at her ceiling without a single thought about her now ex-girlfriend. Once again, the happiness she felt from what that strange girl "told" her returned to the forefront of her mind. Then her thoughts about what Kayla was feeling right now took over. Brittany felt no guilt nor shame about what happened tonight. Her unquenchable lust for going to parties and not giving a damn about what was really going on in their relationship and then the way she handled the incident last year came to mind. She did apologize, but the sincerity was lacking. Brittany gave her a second chance; everybody fucks up at some point. Without any warning, the image of that girl, Amanda, came flooding back. Brittany spent the rest of her conscious hours thinking about it until she succumbed to the Sandman.
The next morning Brittany woke up to a mid-morning sun shining right into her face. She cussed herself for not closing the shades knowing that was going to happen. Taking a good stretch, she immediately went to her phone to get the inevitably ugly call over with. She quickly dialed the number and waited the long few seconds before someone picked up.
"Hello?" Mrs. Martin's voice said pleasantly
"Hey, Mrs. Martin," Brittany said equally pleasant trying not to think about any conversations Kayla may, or may not, have had already. "Is Kayla awake yet?"
"Hold on Brittany," she answered as usual, telling Brittany all she needed to know.
Brittany waited and waited and waited for Kayla to finally answer the phone. "What the fuck do you want?" Kayla hissed
"I assume then that you can read my mind," Brittany answered sarcastically.
"Oh fuck you, bitch!" Kayla said even more pissed. "We're fucking through. I hope you're fucking happy."
"Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it," Brittany could feel herself becoming more and more comfortable after Kayla decided to say it first. As soon as Brittany said that, Kayla threw the phone down. This made her laugh a bit, finally feeling free from her.
"Did you do as I asked?" her mom said as she came bouncing into the kitchen a short time later.
"Yes I did," Brittany answered smiling from ear to ear. She took her place at the sink to finish last night's dishes.
"I hope everything went well."
"Hell no it didn't," Brittany said being caught up in the moment of her emotional high. "She threw the freaking phone across the room then slammed it down."
"And you're happy with this?" her mom asked with a concerned tone.
"Hell yes I am," Brittany nearly yelled. "I don't know, I finally feel free! I don't have her damn guilt trips to worry about anymore. I can focus on my grades and the team."
Her mother could tell there was a new life flowing from her daughter. It's been a long time since she's seen her this happy. "How's that going anyway? The thing with the team?"
"Yeah I nearly forgot," Brittany answered calming down a bit. "We've got a tournament coming up two weeks from today actually. Are you gonna be able to go to this one?"
"I've gotta check with my boss, but I should be off since I'm off today." Brittany immediately broke into another one of her famous smiles. Her mother rarely gets to travel with the team and she really didn't understand the game that well, but she has always supported her.
Brittany finished the dishes thinking about all of the things that she and Kayla had done together. They've been more than friends for the longest time before they started dating. Kayla always had to be the one that decided what to do. Either it was as simple as playing cards or up to their orgasm-filled night before the party. Brittany tried to count the times anything was her idea or something that she actually felt a part of, instead of apart from. She counted three times was something her idea, including last night. She decided to go for a walk before she had to be off to the field for practice.
"Mom, I'll be back in a little while," she said as she was walking out the door. She was out the door and on her way before her mother could say anything.
She walked and thought, trying to get her head completely clear before she had to be at the field for practice. Coming back from her earlier high of breaking up with Kayla, she realized how much of an affect their relationship had on her over the years. Before the two of them hooked up, she always knew what she was doing. Brittany was not the kind of person that was easily controllable, but Kayla had a way with her that not even she understood. Brittany's own mother couldn't figure out how or why Kayla held her in sway like that. The more Brittany thought about how easily she let Kayla "own" her, if you will, the more she thought about how much she missed her old self. She was the one who would flirt and turn down, but not because she was a bitch but because she knew she has the power to do so.
Then the thought hit her: she would never be that person again. Nevermore will she be able to hold her sway over the hearts, or loins, of people like she use to. No more would she be able to, or willing to, admit to herself her ultimate defeat by another person. Brittany long understood the age-old saying "love isn't free", but she also understood that love should be be at the expense of your own free will.
Brittany interrupted her thoughts when she became aware of the fact that she was not alone on the street as she thought she was. Her instinct feeling like someone was watching her became overpowering. Her head cam out of the clouds of her mind and shot her eyes into focus in search of this malevolent aura that took her by surprise. Franticly she looked all around her, searching for the face of this nameless fear that held her heart and squeezed. Finding no one in sight, she made the wise decision to turn around and head back home.
As she ran past one of the few abandoned houses on her block, she could hear a weird sound coming from within. Brittany stopped dead in her tracks and listened, though she didn't know why. She walked past this house a mere five minutes before and it seemed as it always had, since before her family moved into their house. A decaying white house with a few broken windows from the years of neglect and petty vandalism. The roof looked like it would cave in any day now, but gave the illusion of unrelenting protection for who ever was in there now, playing this music. This music coming from a decaying house. After a brief moment of listening, Brittany felt those faceless eyes begin to watch her once again. She quickly found the strength to move once again and sprinted back to her house, shaking with fear the whole time.
Brittany arrived at the practice field a little before ten. Some of the other team members were finishing up with getting the field set-up with what they were going to practice today. Judging from the layout of the bunkers, it was going to be a dull, drill-filled practice with little actual playing time. Sighing to herself about how much she hates these kinds of practices, she got her gearbag from her trunk and set to work getting her gun set-up and gear ready to go. Curtis came walking out of the storage shed pulling the wagon full of paint for today.
"Hey Brit!" he called out to her. "How'd that thing with Kayla go?"
"You just get right to the point, don't you?" Brittany answered tying her cleats. "Well if you really must know, we broke up."
"I see you're really shaken up by it," he said full of sarcasm. "Are you O.K> with it all? You look a little pale."
"Really?" Brittany said in shock. She thought she was able to get her head back on her shoulders, but the frightening incident with the old house must still have her shaken.
"Yeah, you sure you wanna practice today? I could let the coach know if you want me to." His concern was genuine. He's known her since they were in elementary school and never once has he seen her looking like this.
"And have you think you can take my spot on the starting line? I think not!" Brittany answered already feeling a bit better. "Don't forget who you're talking to."
"HA!" he said knowing he can always make her feel better. "I thought that would get to you. But seriously, you know I'm always here for you if you need me." Brittany just pulled him into her and gave him a sisterly embrace.
The rest of the team showed up a short time later. They filled their pods and got to getting the initial warm-ups and stretching out of the way. Coach Wilson went over the drill explanation and they split into their respective lines. Brittany has been playing this sport since she was eight years old, when her dad would take her out to this very field to play some recreational paintball. Now she was the captain of her own line, and second co-captain, of the best X-Ball team in this region, not to mention was given the award of being the Best Insert Player and the Sportsmanship Award last year; respect as a player is something she has.
Their drills finished a bit ahead of schedule. Brian, the team's captain, chose a handful of the newer guys to get the field set-up in the layout of the upcoming tournament. While they went about their duties, Brittany pulled her line aside, with clipboard and layout diagram in hand, and went over everyone's assignments for each point. Once the newer guys, and one girl, finished getting the field ready, they returned to the pit area and got their assignments.
Brittany, yet again, could feel those faceless eyes watching over her again. She looked through the netting of the pit area to find the usual suspects sitting in the bleachers. The occasional girlfriend, boyfriend, sibling or parent were sitting in groups watching them practice or talking amongst themselves. She ran her eyes from one side of the stands to the other feeling this ominous, gut-wrenching fear wash over her. She about gave up hope of maybe seeing these eyes' face until she noticed some movement coming from below the near side seats. Whoever it was was sitting on the grass with his arms folded over his knees. Even though he was far away, Brittany could see him paying strict attention to her.
"Brit," Brian said tapping her on the shoulder, making her scream out.
"Shit, Brian," she said slapping her hand against his lowered mask, "you scared the hell out of me."
"Sorry about that, but get your line ready. We're about ready to go."
Brittany tried to focus on playing her game, but even the people in the bleachers could tell she was not on her "A" game. Every point, it seemed, she was making stupid mental mistakes and getting shot out early. Even when she decided to play a back corner, couldn't seem to get her dominance on her tape and her front guy kept getting blasted out quickly. She felt her tension rising even more in the pit where her line and the coaches were riding her for "playing like a fucking newb".
At the halftime whistle, she looked back to the stands and that person was still sitting there. His body position hadn't changed at all in the last thirty minutes.
"Brittany, I don't what your fucking problem is but you better lose it quick," Brian said trying to get her to snap out of her delusion. "You played like shit the whole first half. I haven't seen you play like that since you were on the JV squad."
"I know that Brian," Brittany yelled back in anger. "You don't think that I know I'm playing like shit. Johnny has been getting fucking blasted out of the snake every point because my game's not up to par." She took a deep breath to control herself before saying something she would later regret.
"Two minutes!" Coach Wilson yelled out. "Brittany come over here please." Coach was speaking in a much more calm voice than her captain, but it was nonetheless intimidating.
"Is there something you want to tell me about?" he asked his star player.
"No sir," she answered. looking him dead in the eye. "Brian and i have already talked it over.
"All right then. Get out there and show these new guys how to play!"
Brittany readied her line by apologizing first, then yelling their signature chant. Her entire line could feel the emotions of their captain being lifted. The energy that usually puts out was back. However, they were still down by five points with an eight-to-three score and the other line was completely pumped as well. Brian and Curtis know how to keep their line pumped up and ready to blow the faces off of whoever they are facing.
"One minute!" Coach Wilson announced over his megaphone.
Gathering her team around for one last huddle before this upcoming half, Brittany just let the energy flow harder. "ALRIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS! GET YOUR FUCKING GAME UP. WE ARE WINNERS, THEY ARE NOT! GET OUT THERE AND RAM IT DOWN THEIR FUCKING THROATS!" The rest of the line was trying to get their composure ready for the ten second call, due to come anytime soon.
Throughout the entire second half, Brittany and her lines played more than just their game, they followed the captain's advise. They played with a murderous rage the likes of which no one has ever seen. They opened the flood gates and showed no mercy. In a regulation match, most of them would have received a lot of major penalties, but Coach Wilson just kept his smile on watching his star players get into this fight, each bringing brass knuckles. Brittany managed to win by a final score of fifteen-to-nine.
"Brittany please tell me you will keep that up all season," Coach Wilson pleaded as the lines were coming off the field.
"No problem, coach," Brittany said smiling through her mask. Taking it off, revealing her sweat-covered face and glowing white teeth, she looked over to the bleachers again to find the man still sitting there. While her teammates were padding her on the back, accidentally hitting her welts, she couldn't help but feel that nameless fear wash over.
"Alright people," Coach Wilson announced after the team finished putting their gear away, "take a few cool-down laps and get ready to start the clean up. Once we're done out here we will be heading for the weight room."
Brittany arrived home a little later than she expected. Not only was she responsible for cleaning off the bunkers and the captain's meeting, but she had to take the long way home. She could feel that person's presence at every turn.
"How did practice go?" her mom asked as she entered the house.
"Pretty good actually," Brittany said smiling while dragging her gear bag behind her. "We had a little scrimmage after the actual practice. We mixed in some of the JV squad and my team won by a landslide." Brittany continued bragging about her comeback as she loaded her practice clothes and gear in the washer. She sat down in the middle of the living room and started to clean the rest of her equipment. Once she had her clothes out of the dryer, she took a shower and went to bed, completely exhausted.
Chapter Three: Diary Entries of A Sane Mad-Girl
August 15, 2154
Dearest Illitor,
It seems like just yesterday that the three of us left that hellhole. The elation that constantly runs through my brain is beyond compare to be rid of those walls. Inikye's music has improved greatly since that day. My only regret is having to leave my beloved Sarah behind to rot in that shallow grave. Never again will I see her smiling face. Never again will I hear her laughter, nor will I ever her her sweet voice expressing her love for me. Her death has been difficult to bear. I know, Illitor, you and Inikye have missed her as well.
It's been a long time that we've had an actual roof over our heads. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for that. I forgot that once I was incarcerated, they took all of my belongings and that list included my home. I discovered yesterday that an elderly couple with the last name Tanner purchased it at a greatly reduced cost than my parents. Nice as though they were, I couldn't bear the thought of living with them. I also must apologize for dragging you into this homeless hell that the state has wrought upon us. I know you need not nutrition to stay alive, but it would be nice to be writing these words on a full stomach and while sitting at a desk, or even whilst sitting on a chair for that matter. The dark abyss in which we now dwell will have to do for now.
Come to think of it, I haven't eaten in five days. The fresh rain we received yesterday brought me riddance of my nagging thirst, however, my stomach still growls for sustenance. Inikye is resting right now. He had a long day; he played his heart out in front of the book store today and he did it very well. If we have another show like that I just might make enough money to eat for the next week. So, please rest up my sweet Inikye. I know not what the future will hold for the three of us, but I do know that Sarah is watching my every move. Oh, I love her so much. Sorry, darling, for I have disappointed you. Sorry for that Illitor, but I had to give Sarah her due apology as well. I'm sure you won't mind.
That reminds me: a strange couple watched the show today. They didn't speak, they didn't move and they didn't even give money. What they did do was leave hurriedly after the show was over. I know I've seen the black-haired girl from somewhere before, but my memories have yet again betrayed me. The redhead is of little significance to me for she had a look in her eye that did not sit well on my heart, but the raven-head had a look that only one other has given me. I also saw her again later at night. I was just sitting under a large oak tree just looking up at the stars. I was kicked out of the party that was going on inside, but I didn't want to come back here just yet. I think I sat there for about an hour or so when she literally tripped over me. I though tit was humorous, as did she apparently, but she did apologize for it. For the first time in nearly a month, I felt like someone was trying to be nice to me. She even sat down next to me and tried to talk. She is a nice girl named Brittany. Our one- voice conversation was interrupted by that redhead, who I found out mere moments before is her girlfriend. She is not the sort that I would think a sweet girl like Brittany would be endeared to, but I'm no judge of character. Even as I left with her face, and name, still fresh in my thoughts I cannot place her to any of my memories. I couldn't even recognize her scent. I know this will fester in my brain until her face can be placed to that shaded memory.
Thank you for being my friend, Illitor. I love you too, don't forget.
Love, Amanda
August 16, 2154
Dearest Illitor
It's been one month to the day since my last conversation with you while incarcerated in that dark place. I have to refamiliarize with what it's like to not be beaten and raped on a daily basis. I had tat recurring nightmare again last night. All of the years of being beaten, raped and forced to watch the torture of "enemies of the state" have left their scar on my brain. I can still hear their ear-piercing screams of pain and innocence. I can still see their hooded faces, watching the rivers blood run down their necks as their heads were systematically drained. The smell of their rotting corpses, lying in piles along the walls of the dungeons, is ever present in my nostrils. I think one most horrific of them all was my first, as it was the bloodiest of them all--at least as far as I remember it being. This is also the scenario that plays in my nightmare, come to think of it. Watching this man's teeth get cut out of his mouth by Cpl. Barnes' razor-sharp knife prying from under his gumline. I don't think I will ever hear a scream of pain like it for as long as I live. Thirty-two times I watched the red and white fly from his oral cavity, as I do in my dream. I watched him get electrocuted, beaten with Special Wands and sodomized by a broken ans whittled broom handle. But what scared me the most was when he looked right into my eyes. His eyes were not that of a broken man. No, they had life left in them until they closed to never again reopen.
That vision is forever burned into my eyes and it makes my stomach churn every time I recall it to the forefront of my mind. Speaking making my stomach churn, Inikye's music made enough money today for me to get something to eat today. This is the first time in nearly a week I was able to get some food fresh from a grill. I didn't have to go digging in a dumpster for food that will only make me vomit it back up later. Oh, it was so delicious. That's not the only good news I have for today. While walking around the town, on a full stomach, I found this run down house that is due for demolition. According to the sign out front we still have about a week until we need to find another place to live, but this will certainly do for now. Yes, I'm very excited about this, Illitor, as you should be too. it's the first time in a month that the three of us have been indoors for a night. Inikye was so happy that he played one of his favorite songs. We even had a familiar audience attend the little celebration. It was that black-haired girl from yesterday. She didn't stay long, but she did watch us for a little while. I think what caught my attention the most was the fact that she was alone and a bit scared. The redhead was not holding her arm like she was yesterday. I didn't want anything to happen to her, so I decided to follow her as she retraced her steps.
Eventually she made her way back to the high school for some kind of practice. I tried to avoid any of the people that were also watching the game so I stayed seated below, in the shadows. I saw a lot of people, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and parents alike, cheering on those playing, but I failed to see the redhead known as Kayla sitting amongst them. I don't think anyone saw me seated there, until I saw her glance my way. She had that same look of fear in her eyes when they settled upon me. I could almost feel her skin rising when she looked at me. Illitor, I didn't think I am a frightening person. I don't suppose you think I am. Oh well. She seemed to come back to the game with all the anger in the world because she absolutely blasted the other team away. This game is very foreign to me, but I overheard one of the other people call it X-Ball, a certain format of an even larger game known as paintball. Apparently it's been played for nearly two hundred years and is even classified as a professional sport, but all I saw was a bunch of people shooting each other. However you slice it, a lot of people found it interesting and it brought a big smile to Brittany's face, if only until she saw me again.
Illitor, am I a scary person? Ever since she saw me yesterday she's done nothing but be fearful of my presence, except for our little moment under the oak tree. I think I'm starting to remember from where I'd seen her before. Those piercing dark eyes of hers remind me of someone I once knew back in elementary school. She was a grade behind me and it's been almost eight years since then, but those eyes haven't changed. I never got her name, but I remember seeing her in the hallways and at the cafeteria tables. It's ironic that Sarah had the same eye color as this Brittany person. Well, as Sarah always use to tell me, the future will answer all of my questions. We shall see.
Love, Amanda