Hello everyone! I do hope you liked the last chapter. I apologize for the slight typographical error, but the numbers in the story are in fact correct, despite what the heading says. This chapter is my favorite in the series so far. Once again, I'd like to thank everyone who wrote in with their comments. I hope you like this installment of "The Silent Cellist". I look forward to hearing from you!
Chapter Fifteen: The Heart of Darkness
Brittany awoke in a cold sweat with tears running down her face. She placed her fingers against her cheeks, following the stream left behind by her crying. Brittany couldn't help but feel frightened by how cold her skin under her touch. All over her body there was a fearful chill that washed over her. The kind of cold that comes from the core of your being, from places deep down that you wish didn't exist. Brittany felt her heart thumping against her breast, but it felt like it was inside her throat.
Desperately she looked around her room for something familiar to look at. A poster, a book, anything. What she found was her mirror--and her dreadful reflection; her horrified expression. With caution in her will, she stared into her reflection's eyes, searching for something to hold on to. The nightmare still playing vividly in her mind, she reached again to her cheek. Once more she felt the cold pass through her finger tips; the two pairs of eyes never unlocked their stare. Intent on finding for what she searched, she continued to stare into the nothingness of her eyes. All along Brittany felt her heart's and lung's paces quickening. Finally, after many a long minute lost unto this stranger's eyes, she found for what she so hastily searched: the answers for her nightmare.
As Brittany reclined back in her bed, she toyed with the idea in her mind. She saw her reflection smile at her, telling her it was O.K. to think of this notion. In her heart she new this to be the answer, but her brain and logic was screaming for the otherwise. In her heart she truly believed Amanda's story; her brain even agreed she couldn't have made all that up. She kept looking at her reflection's face and the different expression it wore and how opposite it was of her own. She should be happy to be thinking this, but nay, she is far from it. Brittany felt her tears welling in her eyes once again, but not from trepidation. It was from all of her bottled up frustration and confusion finally being released. She leaned her head back against the wall and let her cheeks be watered again. "Then this is it then," Brittany thought out loud. "I'll tell her before our trip."
All next week, Brittany couldn't get all of these images out of her head. These nauseating images of Amanda and Sarah's decaying bodies. She could see it in their eyes: the angry fear they felt when they died. Their last living memory being that of utter helplessness; why else would Amanda hang herself? Then there was the smell. That sickening scent of blood and decaying corpses. The mere memory of it all made her vomit at least once a day all week.
Her mother didn't know what to make of it. Yeah, her daughter hay have been having some definite mood swings recently, but her overall aura seemed to remain as vibrant as she knows Brittany to be. But now she seemed more distant than ever. She would stay in her room for hours on end, she stopped talking all together during dinner and "girl time" simply didn't exist. Coach Wilson even told her that Brittany's been slipping up and was not herself at practice. Naturally, Brittany neglected to mention the true nature of her problems in any conversation with either of them; however few that may have been.
Brittany tried to go out to the bookstore after school everyday, but everyday her courage failed her. She's seen far too many depressing images of Amanda and Sarah and to see her playing her harmonic songs would only add music to the mood. She would sit in her car everyday after school and damn herself for being so weak. People would pass by her car, seeing her crying into her hands as if her father and brother died all over again.
"Brit, you got something on your mind?" Brian asked before practice on Friday. The two of them were getting the practice field set-up along with some of the other team members. "You've been completely fucked up all week."
"I'm fine," Brittany answered in a subdued tone. She didn't want to think about anything else other than the task at hand.
"Bullshit!" he nearly screamed, obviously hurt by her seeming indifference. "Brittany you've been like my little sister for five fucking years. You've only acted like this when your dad and brother died--may they rest in peace. All this year it's been one thing or another that's been bothering you and you've shut me out every time. Wanna tell me why?"
"No, I don't, Brian," Brittany said solemnly though touched by his concern. "I appreciate it though."
"NO!" He yelled, throwing his tools at their feet. "I'm not asking you as your captain or friend, I'm begging you as your brother. Have I ever given you any reason not to trust me?" Brittany looked upon his face for the first time all day. He was crying. He was sorely hurt by her shutting him out of everything that's happened to her recently. Brian pulled his "'little sis" into him and squeezed, then pleaded, "Please, Brittany, tell me what's going with you."
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," she answered, looking back to the ground after Brian let her go. "It's complicated."
"Then simplify it for me and my heterosexual brain," Brain said chuckling but still pleading.
"If you must insist," Brittany started, taking a seat on one of the partially inflated bunkers, "it all started that night of the party..." Brittany went to tell him everything she experienced from those creepy feelings of being watched all the time, to the eerie music coming from the now destroyed old house on her block, to meeting Amanda and her hideous eyes. She went into a great amount of detail about her initial fear of Amanda, but how that changed once she beat the hell out of Kayla and Samantha, but trailed off when she got to Sunday night.
"I get the feeling there's more," Brian said in an understanding tone, hugging onto her. "I can kinda get the rest of it and why you would be creeped out by all of this, hell I would myself, but something is telling me you're leaving out something... something kinda important."
"Well I had this really scary nightmare the night of our last tournament. I don't know why, but all of these bad images came into my head. I watched Amanda hang herself from a rafter..." she managed to get out with a bit of effort. Brittany sobbed and sniffled at the memory that played so vividly in her head. "...I heard her gasping for air... then that noise of her body swinging, and that smell..." Brittany broke into tears at the thought of recounting that part. Even though it was just a dream, it felt so real, like she actually watched her kill herself and Sarah.
"Shh, shh," Brian cooed, rocking them back and forth, "you don't have to tell me anything more if you don't want to." By now, Brian himself was crying again. She had such a horrible story to tell and he wished those kinds of memories on no one.
"No, I want to finish this," she answered, wiping her face. "Her wife was laying beside the dresser of the room, stabbed and slashed to death. Amanda suddenly appeared standing over her like some kind of monster. She picked up the one picture she had of the two of them and smashed into her face... and... and then she began to mutilate herself with the broken glass. Oh, God, the blood..." once more, Brittany felt her courage and strength abandoning her, but Brian's arms offered her the comfort needed to calm down. "...then she said to me 'Why didn't you save me, Brittany?' with the glass shards sticking out of her eyes..."
"O.K. that's enough," Brian said, pulling her tighter into him. He felt his own strength leaving him. He was sobbing right along with her while they remained rocking in their embrace.
"Everything O.K. over here?" the two of them heard Tina ask. She had been finishing up with her part of the work and noticed the two of them holding each other, something she'd never seen before.
"Yeah, we're fine," Brian answered hastily. Brittany was still sobbing into his shoulder, but managed to pull herself together once she heard Tina's voice once again.
"Oh... O.K. but I need to finish getting everything set-up so we can actually practice today."
"Yeah, have Ashely and a couple of the others get the leaf-blowers out and start inflating all the bunkers," Brian ordered like her usually does. Tina left to carry out her instructions and get the tools put away.
Brian escorted Brittany back to the their staging area to sit down for a minute. The two of them heard the blowers inflating the field while they just sat there, neither of them know what to say next. Brian felt like shit for making her spill her guts like that and Brittany was a complete mess for being so stubborn. "You can go home if you want to, Brit," Brian managed to get out after their long silence.
"Weren't you listening?" Brittany quipped, her eyes glowing with anger. "I said playing and working out were the only ways I have of not feeling all of this shit. I don't know why, it just does. I'm not going home!"
"O.K., O.K. I'm sorry," Brian said in defense, "just trying to be helpful."
"Then get your fucking ass in gear," she said with that evil smile that Brian loves so much about her.
It was in that moment that Brittany felt the heavy burden falling from her shoulders and her old self reappeared. Practice went much better now that Brittany was back to herself. She realized that the mood of the entire team revolved around her despite the coaches' and Brian's ass-chewings. No one wanted to play if Brittany was feeling out of the game or if she wasn't there, for whatever reason. All of this she saw in this one day of practice.
Brittany drove over to the bookstore once practice ended. The coaches and the other players kept telling her how good it was to have her back all afternoon, but she just smiled and kept her humble demeanor about her. Despite all of the encouragement and smiles, she had an uncontrollable urge just to get the hell out of there. They may have meant well, but it was too much to hear after everything she did for two hours straight.
She arrived and Amanda was playing with Inikye still. Normally her shows would've ended about ten minutes ago, but she kept playing as if waiting for Brittany arrive. She saw her, running her hand up and down the neck as her fingers danced along the strings, all the while keeping her eyes closed and swaying with the music. Brittany watched for a long while as her friend played for the large crowd gathered in front of the door. Then after she finished that song, Amanda, with her eyes still shut, looked in Brittany's direction and smiled. Amanda bowed head for the applause immediately thereafter, but Brittany was sure she smiled at her not truly knowing if she was there. Either way it didn't matter, Brittany was standing in that spot but was soon elbowing her way through the crowd to get next to her friend.
Amanda rose from her seat and took her graceful final bow, as she was doing on a regular basis for her regular fans. Brittany joined the group in the continuing ovation but that only made it that much harder to clear a path for herself. Amanda kissed Inikye for the great show he put on and placed him in his case. She calmly carried on with putting away her friend while the crowd dispersed. Some went home, others went into the store, but Brittany was just thankful that they were giving the room to make her way to the door.
"That was beautiful, Amanda," Brittany said as she stood behind her.
Amanda looked back over her shoulder and smiled. Once Inikye was packed away, she flipped her hood over her head and grabbed Brittany's hand. She pulled her friend towards her while she stood up and picked up the case, which Brittany finally noticed was in the shape of a coffin with an arcane-looking cross carved into the surface. Some kind of Latin inscription was chiseled into the crossbar, but the only word Brittany could read was "Sarah". Amanda kept a hold of Brittany's hand, while slinging Inikye onto her back and led her away from the bookstore.
They walked for a short while, side-by-side, hand-in-hand. Brittany didn't know what to say to her to break the ice. She knew Amanda wasn't about to say anything, but she could find no form of intelligence inside her head. Her earlier talk with Brian all but vanquished all of the ghastly things in her brain. Then it hit her, out of the blue, Amanda was leading her in a specific direction but to where? Brittany had no idea.
They stopped in front of a trailer made out to be a small window-diner. Amanda stopped and rested Inikye against the wall while Brittany was left to wondering exactly what was on this girl's mind. "Hey Amanda," the owner said pleasantly from behind the window, "what's it going to be today?"
Amanda raised her fingers of the number six and the man turned his attention to Brittany. "And for yourself, young lady?"
Brittany was at a loss as to what to say. She was hungry and the delicious aroma of the grill was only aggravating her empty tummy. She took a couple minutes to browse the menu behind the nice guy and made her decision, "I'll have a number four." The man went to work making the girls' orders while Amanda took her friends over to one of the tables.
Brittany looked at Amanda's smiling face as she waved to the people calling out to her by name. This was new side to Amanda that she didn't expect to see today. Amanda looked back at her friend with a look on her face that said "what?".
"The people around this place are sure friendly," Brittany said, stating the obvious, but at least she finally said something.
"yeah, most of them are my regular fans," she wrote on a fresh pad.
"How do you know them all so well?" Brittany inquired still grinning.
"Mr. Scott, in the trailer, saw me playing one day and asked if I would play at his son's birthday party. I did so without charge and then played at his daughter's birthday party again without charge. after that he told me I can come by his place anytime"... "as long as I would play for his kids." Amanda finished her words with a little giggle.
"My, that's sure nice of him," Brittany said, surprised by this bit of news. As Amanda mentioned his name, she caught the distinct scent of her Philly Cheesesteak cooking on the grill.
"I kept his name away from Illitor, since he doesn't trust strangers as much as I," Amanda explained, knowing full well Brittany wouldn't know the difference.
"Oh, O.K.," Brittany answered, trying to be nice. "Do you trust every stranger you meet?"
Amanda just gave her a look then wrote, "no, just the ones I have a feeling about"... "like you".
Brittany felt her face blush at that one. About a million different things ran through her mind as to what she meant. Amanda had a cheerful expression on her face, but could feel the uncertainty overwhelming her friend. "What.... um... what kind of feelings?"
Amanda almost rolled her eyes at the question. She hesitated a moment before she answered. She racked her brain for a minute since she could tell what Brittany was flushed about and had to choose her words wisely. As she put her pen to paper, Mr. Scott called out to them.
"Amanda! Order's up!" They two of them got up and headed for the window, Brittany reaching into her purse for her wallet, but Mr. Scott stopped her. "Any friend of Amanda's is a friend of mine. It's on the house."
She took her plate from the kind old man, "Thank you."
"No problem, sweetheart," he said, smiling. He turned his attention back to his grill while the girls took their plates over to their table.
The girls ate in silence, both enjoying "The Best Grease Pit Food in the City" as Mr. Scott's sign read. Neither one of them, or anyone else who'd eaten there, would disagree. Brittany ate and though of how her friend had a way with people. She was a state certified nut-job but everyone she met seemed to love her. Roger, Mr. Scott, hell even her own mother took an immediate liking to her. Brittany thought back to the night they met and thought of just how easily she opened up to her. That night she thought she just needed an open ear to fill, but in hindsight she really felt comfortable around her.
"Damn that was good," Brittany said once she finished. Amanda, who had her mouth full, smiled and nodded her agreement to that statement. Brittany let her eyes drift while Amanda finished her free dinner. Once again she saw the inscription on Inikye's case. She studied the words for a moment, but there was no way she going to able to translate it: "Diligo ot Sarah Iacio Intus".
Amanda saw her studying the inscription on Inikye's case and quickly started writing. Once she was finished, she tapped Brittany on the shoulder and pointed to her paper, "it loosely translates as 'Sarah's Love Lay Within'."
"That's beautiful, but I though you picked him out," Brittany said, trying to start some manner of conversation about her friend's past.
"I did, but he sang for the both of us," Amanda wrote, getting a little choked up at the memory of those long nights. "Sarah told me that whenever I couldn't be near her I should hold Inikye and our love will be forever reborn." Amanda felt her tears coming into her eyes when she turned the paper to Brittany to read.
Brittany felt her own heart breaking as her eyes skimmed the words. Just then her fears were realized: she can only love Sarah and no one else. Brittany felt her heart shatter at the thought of it all. Amanda, on the other hand, thought she was crying out of grief. Oblivious to what Brittany was truly thinking, Amanda got up and hugged her friend. She held onto her for a long while. People around them noticed that the embrace was lasting much longer than your typical acquaintances parting.
"would you like to meet her?" Amanda asked once she finally settled down. Brittany, even with her heart broken, took a deep breath before answering.
"Sure," she said in a shaky breath. "Is that why we're going to the asylum tomorrow?"
"no," Amanda wrote after recomposing herself. "we are really going to further your education about me, but I do want to pay my respects to her before we leave"... "you're more than welcome to visit her if you choose."
Brittany didn't know how to respond to that one. Somehow, Amanda turned it around on her and made the decision entirely hers to make. Brittany just nodded and rose to her feet. Amanda followed suit and threw Inikye over her shoulder. Brittany did her best to keep a friendly demeanor about her, but found it difficult after realizing that she had no chance with this girl. This girl, who can make her heart melt with a look, who make her soul soar with her playing. This girl who is clinically insane, who can't let go of her first and only love. Brittany couldn't really blame her. She would be forever attached to someone if she were put in that situation, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
The two girls walked back to the bookstore, still holding hands, but both of them knew nothing of what the other was thinking. Brittany was crushed and heartbroken, but Amanda felt happy and content. Amanda told Brittany to wait a moment while she got her something. Brittany remained standing by the door even as Roger came by to lock up for the night. He saw the hurt in her eyes, but didn't dare ask how or why it was there. About five minutes later, Amanda came bouncing through the door, holding a leather-bound book. She leaned over and gave Brittany a kiss on the cheek. Brittany accepted the book from Amanda then took off like a bat out of hell.
Brittany sat on her bed thinking over and over how much of a fool she had been. To think that she could dare to love someone like Amanda, someone who is insane and so oblivious to her emotions that it made her heart sink at the mere mention of it all. She had no doubt that Amanda was only using her to tell a sob story to gain her trust only to later abandon her when another unfortunate fool crossed her path.
With all of this running through her head and tears falling from her eyes, she saw the book sitting on her pillow, right where her head would be lying. She saw it, then Amanda's body took it's place. A familiar voice called out to her, beckoning her to lie next to it, place her head against Amanda's breast. Brittany wiped her eyes clean and picked up the book.
She opened the cover to have a note fall into her lap. Instinctively she picked it up and began to read it. The very familiar penmanship of Amanda's hand was displayed for her:
"Brittany,
Herein lies the raw story of my time in that awful place. The uncensored, gritty and graphic tale of someone who was deemed insane only to be pushed into becoming. This is what you've sought and now possess. I will never ask it back from your care nor will I ever ask if you've read the pages. You wanted answers and I give you truth. Never has the thought of lying to you ever crossed my degraded mind. The choice is yours and yours alone: turn the page, or close the book.
Love, Amanda
P.S. Roger and I will leave for the asylum from the bookstore at 9:00 A.M. If you are not here by 9:05, then I will assume you will not be joining us."
Brittany only felt her heart ache as she read the note again and again. The note felt so cold, in yet it carried a sense of cryptic care. Brittany thought she knew the truth only this morning, but she soon found realized that every truth has two parts. Amanda sounded like she cared for her at the same time she was driving her point home... and that point was well delivered. All of Brittany's curiosity was screaming at her fingers to turn the page while her good senses told her to put the book down and ne'er again pick it up. In the emotional roller-coaster of her head, she opted for the former. Brittany set the note down and began to scan the pages.
She read every word Amanda had written about her life. Brittany would feel her stomach turn as she recounted the rapes and beatings she suffered. The graphic and brutal nature of her encounters with these people, all of whom were addressed by name and occupation, could make the most hardened coroner queasy. As hard as it was for the girl, she couldn't stop reading the pages.
Brittany continued to read the book, even when her mom came to kiss her good night. Brittany's eyes never left the page from which she was reading. She arrived at the part of Amanda's account of the first execution she was to witness. Brittany could feel Amanda's anger and fear coming out of the words and into her own soul.
"...how he screamed as the spikes were driven through his fingernails and out of his wrist. This man, a hardened gang member of the Aryan Brotherhood, cried like a small child while Sgt. Cook laughed a merry laugh. Even from where I was, behind the safety of a two-way mirror, I felt my innards churn until at last I gave back what little food I had to give.
"Cpl. Barnes took out his knife and cut the man's jaw open, slicing that razor from mouth-to-ear on both sides. I can still see all the blood pouring from that wound, but the pain was not to end there. Sgt. Cook held back his head, causing his mouth to fall open. Cpl. Barnes put the tip of the knife against his gumline and pried out each one of his teeth. One at a time I watched the bones fly from his mouth. One tooth at a time did that crimson spray splash across the corporal's face. His only response was to laugh at the man's shrills of pain. I refused to watch anymore, but I didn't need to. All involved seemed to know I turned away. Suddenly, I heard them narrating what was going on in the room. Louder still was the man. More than once did I hear him speak of his innocence for whatever it was they accused him. I heard them take out their 'Special Wands' and systematically beat him while the Wands electrocuted him with twenty thousand volts a piece.
"I don't know why, but I looked through the two-way mirror once more. The beating stopped, as did most of his shrieking, but experience taught me to know better. They had him bent over the interrogation table with his pants to his ankles. Sgt. Cook went to the closet and pulled out a sharpened broom handle. That disgusting man-thing looked right at me as he thrust it into the man's anus. Over and over and over again the spear entered his rectum, tearing apart his outer skin and his inner parts. Even though I couldn't see but the man's face, I knew just how badly he was bleeding from the front and the back. With every thrust, not only did Sgt. Cook's vile weapon go deeper, but chunks of flesh and intestine and squirts of blood were flying all over the room. The man's eyes found mine and then he stopped screaming"...
Brittany felt her face go white from Amanda's recollection of he first witnessed torture and execution. She not only felt faint, but could hear the man screaming into her own ears for some kind of release from this torture. Brittany scanned the pages further down, bypassing much more of Amanda's graphic detail and saw that he died from loss of blood. Amanda had to close the book for a moment and let her senses come back to her; she had to reason with herself before she could carry on with the writings.
As repulsed as she was, she couldn't help but keep reading. No matter how hard it was to take in the details that Amanda so easily recounted, Brittany had to find the pages with something good Amanda had written about. She thumbed through several more entries. Some of which had ink smudges from when her tears hit the paper, others had spots of dried blood that must have seeped after one of her bad days.
She found it just a few entries after that one, where Amanda spoke of her and Sarah's marriage and nothing else. This must have been one of the good days Amanda spoke of earlier. Brittany continued reading the pages and found an entry with her name in it. Brittany blushed as she read how highly Amanda thought of her after such a short period of time knowing her. She thought back on it and they've only known each other less than two months, but Amanda seemed as obsessed as she with finding out more about her; this brought a smile to the girl's lips.
Well into the early morning hours did Brittany keep reading. Her attention so into the writings of her friend that she scarcely noticed the rising sun's first light enter her room. The only way she came out of Amanda's written reality was the annoyance of her blaring alarm clock. Brittany shot up off her bed, scared out of her head by the sudden shock of noise. "God damn it!" she yelled as her fingers found the OFF button.
Brittany got dressed into something comfortable before she headed out to the bookstore. Even though she hadn't slept a wink the entire night, she didn't feel an ounce of fatigue. Just as she was about to leave her room, she collected Illitor to finish the reading on their way to the asylum. As a last bit of business, she left a note for her mom explaining that she was going out with "two friends" and will be gone the entire day.
She arrived at the bookstore a good fifteen minutes before Amanda's strict departure time. Brittany checked herself over at least a dozen times to make sure she was ready for this. Her heart was racing and her breathing was hoarse. Her nerves were all but shot when she exited the vehicle. Brittany felt her legs going weak with every step she took, her palms sweating beyond belief. Brittany calmed down immediately when she remembered what Amanda said to her once: "Don't be afraid of what you cannot see."
"Hey Brittany," Roger called out from the doorway. He was wearing his usual outfit of an old T-shirt and torn up jeans, a bit less formal than Brittany's blouse and lengthy skirt. He looked down at the teenager sitting on his doorstep, immediately thinking of how much she resembled Amanda those two or three months back. "We weren't sure if you were coming or not."
"Yeah, I'm going, Roger," she answered solemnly, getting to her feet. "I read most of Amanda's diary last night and now I have to see it for myself. She went through a lot, too much for her to still be halfway normal, let-alone alive." Her eyes remained lowered the whole time, trying to put herself into that same situation but couldn't.
"Yes she has," Roger said, feeling a tear drip down his face. He too has spoken to Illitor and he is still troubled deeply by what he had to say. "I can't help but feel guilty about this whole thing. There were so many things I could have done to keep her out of that place, but I was too full of my own teenage crap that I didn't give a shit about anyone or anything. But enough about me, I'll bore you another time." Roger looked back through the open door with his eyes raining tears. Amanda came walking out of the far door which concealed the stairway into their apartment. She smiled immediately when she noticed Brittany's ebony locks floating in the breeze.
All three of the travelers piled into Roger's car. The two girls opted to sit next to each other in the back so they could be close. Without a single word spoken from them, Roger started the car and took off for the highway. Amanda could sense Brittany's nerves growing more and more tense by the moment. Well into their trip all was silent, save for the stereo playing Roger's heavy metal albums. Brittany spent most of her time running different possible scenarios in her head, the same ones that have ran through her mind all week. She kept her gaze out of the window, trying to find something way to think of a good scenario. Amanda, on the other hand, kept her eyes on Brittany the entire time she stared out into nothing. She knew damn well what Brittany was going to see, but didn't know if she was ever going to ask... or wait to be surprised.
The long silence of the passengers was broken when Roger spoke out to get Brittany talking. "Do you have a preference pf music?"
"Not really," Brittany answered in a soft yet polite tone, "I've always liked heavier stuff. Who's your favorite band?" Brittany could stand her self-induced uncomfortable silence no more.
"Well, now that you mention it, I have a lot of favorite bands. Most of them have been dead for well over a hundred years, but I can't help it. I'm a sucker for the oldies of heavy metal, you know? Guys like Metallica, Korn, Disturbed, Dying to Bleed, etcetera."
"Oh I love Disturbed!" Brittany nearly shouted. "My mom doesn't like me listening to that stuff, but then again she doesn't understand why I love paintball so much either. But I would have to say that my all-time favorite band is the String Metal Septet."
"Hell yeah, girl!" Roger shouted in agreement. "Those guys fucking rock!... oh and one girl, excuse me. You want to hear some? I've got all of their albums."
"Hell yeah!" Brittany answered, feeling her earlier tension dissolve away. Amanda could only smile at her friend's change of attitude. She could now see why she was so popular with people. Brittany had an aura, a life-force that immediately found it's way into the hearts of everyone around her. Amanda noticed that when Brittany was down, so was she, but, like just now, when Brittany was upbeat and having a good time so was everyone else.
Brittany closed her eyes and let the music just flow through her. She moved her hands with the pitch and tempo of the music as if conducting the band. Amanda just watched her in amusement as her friend abandoned her earlier fear and doubt and replaced them with happiness and contentment. Her face held a certain peace, a kind of joy that flowed from her and into Amanda's very soul. She watched her friend lip-sync the lyrics of the female vocalist without a care in the world.
Brittany opened her eyes to find Amanda smiling back at her. Brittany, although confused why Amanda was just looking at her smiling, just smiled back--what else could she do? Music like the kind their listening to always made her forget about her worries and woes.
"Do you like this band, Amanda?" Brittany asked, speaking to her for the first time today.
"yes," Amanda wrote on the pad she carries everywhere, "people often tell me I could rival the playing of Tyler Charmon, but I think he's a far better player than I."
"Oh, you doubt yourself," Brittany retorted. "I bet you could give him a good run for his money."
Amanda laughed a little, "too bad he's much richer than I am."
This made Brittany giggle a bit. "Come on, you're a great cellist. I think Tyler would agree."
"perhaps," Amanda wrote relaxing her expression. She thought for a moment about what else to talk about. "you know, I've told you a great deal about me and Sarah. Why don't you tell me something good about you and Kayla?"
"I don't think so," Brittany answered, feeling a bit insulted to be asked that. "Did you see that crazy look in her eye when she looked at me?"
"no, I was behind her remember?" Amanda answered with a chuckle. "but the way she spoke of you did prove to me that she has feelings for you"...
"I hate that bitch!" Brittany said, cutting her off from finishing her sentence. The sudden scream even startled Roger. "I don't care what feelings that cunt has for me. I may have loved her, but I don't anymore. Kayla is fucking crazy! She should have been the one in that asylum, not you..." Amanda's face immediately changed to hurt. Just then, Brittany realized that those last words should have stayed in her head.
"you should wish that on no one, Brittany," Amanda wrote with that sad and solemn expression on her face. "I don't care how much ill will she may have caused you, you have no right to say such things."
"Sorry, I... I... just let it come out. I... I didn't mean to hurt you..." she stammered over her words, not knowing exactly what to say, not to mention she was shocked by the troubling look on Amanda's face. Brittany couldn't argue that point--she read all about what Amanda went through in that living Hell.
"We're here," Roger called out to the girls over his shoulder. Brittany felt her blood run cold through her veins. Her shin ran ragged with goosebumps. As scared as she might have been, she still had enough strength in her heart to exit the vehicle.
The trio of visitors began a slow walk towards the front door of the main building. Brittany allowed her gaze to drift over her surroundings. The front lawn as properly manicured and the bushes well trimmed. There wasn't a blemish to speak of on the building itself and the people walking around seemed as happy and helpful as one would expect. Brittany felt herself easing the more she looked around. Her eyes soon found their way unto Amanda's face. Brittany immediately began trembling at the sight sight she now beheld. The continence in Amanda's gaze was that of a blank piece of paper, no color and no life.
Roger held her for a moment. Gently he brought his baby sister into his embrace and stoked her hair. Amanda's breathing could barely be felt against his neck. She had tears running down her cheeks and blood running out of her head. She's made this same trip at least twice since her release to see her beloved Sarah, but neither one of those occasions brought her this close to the end of her rope. Roger looked up to see Brittany taking Amanda into her own embrace, to which Amanda responded immediately. She took a hold of Brittany's blouse and would be damned to let go. Still holding her, Brittany began walking towards the front door once more.
Just like the courtyard, the main reception room looked perfectly normal-- nothing like how Amanda described in her diary. In her head, Brittany kept arguing with herself of how much did Amanda make up out of grief--or insanity --and how much was truth. The staff all seemed happy with their content smiles and giddy dispositions. The room was very clean and orderly, it even carried that "hospital smell" of sterilization. Even the "inmates" seemed well nourished and healthy. Everyone and everything was presented in a nice package.
Brittany, with Amanda still clinging onto her blouse and Roger close in tow, walked unabashed through the reception room and out into the center courtyard. What awaited them was a carbon-copy of just moments earlier. Roger and Brittany kept looking around at the beautiful bush-sculptors and state-of-the-art buildings. They continued their trek in their random direction as there were several paved paths leading into different areas of the facility. No signs were posted to give the guests any sense of direction, but this group had their own guide.
"Amanda which way is it to your old room?" Brittany asked in a loving tone. No one had said a word since they left the car and she knew too loud a tone would scare the hell out of her. Amanda pulled her face out of Brittany's shoulder and looked around for a moment. She let go of her friend's blouse just long enough to point down the far left path and then return to her death grip. As they started walking down that path, Amanda buried her face back into Brittany's shoulder as if she at all didn't want anyone to see her, not the staff and not the inmates.
They took off down the trail towards what appeared to be a dormitory. The three of them once again started off in silence, no one really knowing what to say and Amanda clearly was in no shape to talk anyway. Brittany had a million questions running through her head and wanted to hear answers, however, she dared not to ask. She thought that her dreams and Illitor and Amanda's own conversations provided answers, but every time she thought she knew all the answers they only led to more questions.
Brittany did notice, however, that the closer they got to the dormitory, the more people started looking at them. At first it was nothing more than the natural curiosity to look at the people around you, but then they started staring. People dressed in the inmate's uniforms would stop dead in their tracks and stare at the three guests. They followed them with their heads and eyes, not moving any other muscle. Roger's guard immediately went on alert for his girls. Then it hit him, they hadn't seen a single guard since they've been here. Brittany's nerves were being tried as well. One or two people thinking they recognize one of them would have done nothing, but literally everyone they came across stopped and stared.
They entered through the large steel door to a welcome sight: a guard desk with a guard actually sitting behind it. Brittany couldn't help but giggle about the fact he was actually eating a donut and reading the newspaper. Amanda, on the other hand, was somewhat less than enthusiastic about being in this building. They continued on through the foyer to the directory in the far wall, just right of an opposing set of double doors. Without anyone speaking her name, Amanda looked at the large sign and put her finger on the arrow directing them to the third floor.
"Hey! Excuse me," the guard said suddenly, startling the trio. "Can I help you with something?"
"Yes, actually," Roger said in a kind tone, "we're looking for room 368. Can you tell us where that might be?"
"Third floor," the guard answered sounding a bit annoyed to be thought of as a speaking road-map. He went back to his donut and paper and let the guests walk right on through the doors as if it were normal around here to have strange people nosing around.
Roger took Brittany by the hand and led the two girls up the stairs. The winding staircase had been recently cleaned with quite a bit of care. Brittany looked down and could see herself in the reflection of the granite stonework. She also happened to notice that Amanda's face was covered still by her blouse, not to mention the swell of her breasts. They passed the second floor get-off without noticing the inmates looking at them still through the slits in the doors.
Roger led the pair through the door on their floor's get-off. Once again, there was a small receptionist and guard desk immediately to the left. He looked back again to his right and saw a long corridor that ended at a "T" intersection. Without much thought, they started down the hallway keeping their eyes peeled for Amanda's old room number. The doors that flanked the hall had the numbers above each with odd numbers on the left and evens on the right. Armed with the knowledge of which room they were looking for, they kept their attention to the right side of the hall.
"Hey. Hey!" called out the receptionist from behind her desk. "Do you have a visitor's pass? If not, then I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The first thought that went through Brittany's mind was the bitchiness of her mood.
"We were never given one," Roger tried to explain in a calm manner. He couldn't help but notice the large scar across her left cheek, but didn't think too much of it; their in an asylum after all. "No one stopped us in the main building and the guy downstairs told us to come on up. He never mentioned a pass."
"Didn't you read the notice when you arrived?" her tone changed if only to get more annoyed. "You couldn't miss it."
"Well lady, apparently we did," Roger said, trying not to lose his patience with this woman. "Could you lose the attitude and tell us what we need to get one?"
"I beg you pardon sir!" she nearly yelled, feeling insulted. Right then she looked over at Brittany, who she paid no mind till now, as if to turn her mood on her. Then she stopped--her face went pale. Amanda pulled her face out from Brittany's caring, but aching, shoulder and looked right at this woman with all the hatred of the world. This woman felt her blood run cold; she looked like she had just seen a ghost. "I... I'm sorry. I di... didn't know you had a g... guide," the woman stammered in horror. "Ga... Go ahead."
Brittany looked over at Amanda with even more questions going off in her head. Roger sighed and retook Brittany's hand. Amanda put her head against Brittany's shoulder, but kept her eyes looking forward. Brittany decided once more to keep her questions to herself and just do what they came here to do.
It didn't occur to either of them for a while that they could hear nothing while in the hallway. Through the the slit-windows in the doors, they could see the inhabitants doing whatever it was they were doing but no sound exited the room. Brittany glanced over at Roger for a moment to find that he too found it odd that the rooms were sound proof. She looked over at Amanda but found that she remained as stoic as ever; all she saw was the top of her head.
"So Amanda..." Brittany began, but paused to find the right words without setting her off. "...you told me to come here so you could explain a thing." Amanda turned her head up to face the girl but didn't change her expression. "Care to start explaining?" Brittany somehow managed to keep her voice as tender as possible, especially by how creeped out she was by being watched by so many "crazies".
Amanda stopped dead in her tracks when they got halfway down the corridor. Roger and Brittany were busy looking for the room, so her abrupt halt caused them to stammer over their feet. Brittany was about to say something but a voice in her head told her to keep her mouth shut. She looked at her friend and saw her staring intently at a spot on the floor. Amanda took a knee on that spot, a tear trickled down her cheek at the memory of what happened here. Roger himself soon realized the importance about the place Amanda held her hand. Brittany put her hand on Amanda's trembling shoulder silently letting her know she was there for her. Amanda placed her hand atop Brittany's and squeezed, turning her cheek towards the contact. Even the little bitch down the hall, who'd been watching them this whole time, was weeping, remembering the tragic event that happened in that spot for she was also cut by Captain Jack.
After several moments of Amanda beating herself up inside, she stood up still holding Brittany's hand. Amanda looked over at her friend to see she wore a knowing smile. This proved that Brittany did indeed speak with Illitor last night. She put on a smile of her own and took over the lead of their exploration. Without her so much as looking up, she walked right to her old room. Amanda turned to her companions as if to gesture them to look inside. Brittany was the first to do so. She saw the room was unoccupied and dimly lit, but was in good order--hell, the books on the shelf were in alphabetical order. The beds were made, the chair was tucked up to the desk and the small rug in front of the left-side bed looked vacuumed and ironed. Brittany was shocked by the difference from what she read in Illitor's pages. She stepped aside to let Roger see it for himself, all the while she looked at Amanda with yet more questions going through her mind. Roger shared Brittany's
questioning look once he stepped away from the window.
Amanda didn't bother to try and explain anything. She took Brittany by the hand once more and led her back down the hallway. They paused for a second at that spot once again. Amanda bent down once again and kissed her finger tips. She pressed her hand at the baseboard of the wall then stood back up, taking a deep breath. Brittany looked over her shoulder out of the sense of someone looking at her. She saw a nude woman pressing herself against the window and giving Brittany lustful look, licking her lips and few teeth. This only made Brittany want to vomit, and not only because of her grotesque appearance. Amanda followed Brittany's gaze and saw the same image. The woman immediately pulled herself away from the window and disappeared into the room. She pulled on Brittany's hand and led the three of them out of the corridor. Roger decided to spare himself the visage after her saw the disgusted look on the girls' faces.
"I'm so sorry about earlier. I didn't know you had our Amanda with you," the receptionist said as the trio walked in front of her station. As her words left her mouth, something snapped in Roger's head and all of his pent-up anger and guilt came out.
"Shut up, cunt!" Roger cried out as his hand found the woman's left cheek. "That's my baby sister you're talking about and I'd be damned if you try and claim her."
The woman said nothing further. She merely retreated back behind her desk and put her face in her hands. Roger grabbed Amanda's other hand as he started off towards the doors with great haste. He didn't say a single word as they made their way down the steps. Brittany was also filled with anger by that woman's comment, but was more alarmed by Amanda's indifference about the entire thing. She long thought of herself as property, a self-described "sex object" and "human punching bag"; she often thought of herself as little more than a lifeless rag doll. They stormed out of that dormitory without giving the guard or inmates any mind.
As they retraced their steps back towards the main building, Amanda let go of Roger's hand. He didn't notice at all, he had more pressing things on his mind. The way that woman treated them was enough for him to want to kill her. Not only was she a discourteous, stuck-up bitch talking to him like he belonged here, but then have the audacity to call his baby sister "our Amanda"... his blood was boiling. While all of these thoughts went through his head, Amanda just smiled. She could spent the next ten years reminiscing about this place and still leave something out. Brittany, on the other hand, could only look at her with questioning eyes. No words could come from her mouth to actually say them, but she knew Amanda didn't need to hear them.
Amanda reached up and grabbed her brother's shoulder after giving him a minute to vent. She knew he needed an outlet for his anger, both back then and now, so she let him have his time. Roger spun around with a sad look on his face. His lips were moving, but nothing was coming out; Amanda thought it odd yet funny that this place could do that to good people so easily. She nodded her head to the left and they took the path leading to an open area behind the far north building. Brittany kept her eyes adrift to the plethora of strange people walking around and staring at them. While Roger was going around, ranting and raving about that woman, Brittany watched as people, inmates and staff, stopped in their tracks to look at the girl holding her hand--they gave no thought of Roger's ranting since they see it everyday.
Brittany tugged on Amanda's hand as she took off down the path in a hurry. She felt the longer they waited, the more people would question their presence here and she was already freaked out as it is. The walk to that clearing was longer than it looked; the building was bigger than it looked. Even in their hasted pace, it took the visitors about ten minutes to get in front of the damn thing. Despite being in a hurry, Roger and Brittany couldn't help but marvel at the magnificent structure. Amanda, however, took over the initiative of wanting to get to their destination as quickly as possible; besides, she's seen everything this building has within it's walls and beneath it's foundation, and those memories she'd rather not have. Her brother and Brittany followed behind her but kept looking up at the structure with a wondrous glee in their eyes.
The three visitors finally made their way to the rear of the building. Brittany averted her gaze away from the beautiful building to see what she put away from her mind for the duration of the trip. Roger also found himself feeling saddened by the visage just a few yards away. Right in front of them was a wrought iron gateway with the words "Potter Field" etched into the arch. Brittany felt her heart beating harder but slowing it's pace. She unconsciously squeezed on Amanda's hand. Roger's face went pale for a moment as he took in his new surroundings. Of all the descriptions inscribed on Illitor's pages, this place was the most accurate. The grass and trees were nowhere near the likes of the plots out front. The grass stood about knee-high and was about as yellow as possible without dying. The trees were not the trimmed pieces of art like out front, but were overgrown and many were without leaves. The headstones were poorly placed, many looking like a stiff breeze
would blow them over.
"Oh my god," Brittany said placing her hand over her mouth. She was so taken with the sight before her that she barely felt Amanda pulling her through the gateway and into this cheerless place. Roger was quick to follow the girls into the cemetery once he realized they already entered. Not only was this place enormous with countless grave markers and disheartening to look upon, but the aura of the dead seeped up from their tombs. The air inside the gate was heavy with grief and despair making every step harder and harder.
Brittany and Roger looked around at the random graves in their immediate surrounding. Most of them had names and dates, but several were blank pieces of stone. Even Roger found himself saddened by how terribly these people must have been treated in life, only to be forgotten about in death. Amanda, who was visibly shaken by this place, just walked without looking around for even a second. Brittany was looking at one of the graves when she ran right into Amanda, who stopped when she found the grave she sought. Brittany looked at her a moment, then down to her feet.
Standing in a spot that was recently cleared by a mower, was a marker with the solitary inscribed word "Sarah". No last name, no date of either birth or death, or even an epitaph, just that one word. Brittany felt a wash of many emotions flow through her being. Roger looked down at the stone and immediately fell to his knees. His eyes red with tears and sorrow.
Brittany watched as Amanda let go of her hand and sat down next to the marker. Her lips never moved, but Brittany could feel her talking to her love. With grief and sorrow in her heart, Amanda wrapped her arms around the granite slab. She couldn't help but allow her tears to flow. Brittany could help herself no longer. She too started weeping for this girl whom she never met. She took her spot behind Amanda and took her into her embrace. Amanda felt the contact and responded by adjusting so Brittany could tighten her grasp.
Brittany put her face into the nape of Amanda's neck, sobbing for her friend's loss. She closed her eyes, holding onto the one image she ever saw of Sarah. What she saw in her mind's eye was the two of them in a happier time, holding each other and laughing. Brittany saw them sitting on a park bench, Sarah's arm wrapped around her love, just enjoying each other's company with a care in the world. She watched them growing old together... then she felt Amanda stir.
"Sorry, was I squeezing too tight?" Brittany asked as soon as she felt the movement. She let go to allow her some room to move. Amanda just looked back at her and shook her head. She grabbed Brittany's hand and returned it to it's original place. Amanda let go of Sarah's grave and threw herself against Brittany's chest. Not knowing what else to to, she just held her there. She looked over at Roger, who was still feeling the grief and guilt flowing through him, and beckoned for him to join the two of them. He gathered the girls into his fold as if to give his sister a thousand apologies for the years he neglected her.
Many minutes passed before they got around to rising to their feet once more. Amanda could barely move under her own strength, but Brittany and Roger held onto either arm, guiding her out of the cemetery She could feel Sarah in her heart, speaking to her own soul. Amanda felt her body go limp, Brittany and Roger, however, felt a sudden heaviness in their arms. Simultaneously the two conscious ones were forced to carry Amanda all the way back to the car.
"Amanda, sweetheart, can you hear me?" Sarah's voice came to her. Even in her unconscious state, she could see her love's face just as clear as day, and what a continence to behold.
"Yes, Sarah," Amanda spoke, crying in her dream at the touch of Sarah's hand against her cheek. Just like her last visit, Sarah followed her out from her eternal place of rest. "I hear you, darling. I miss you so much."
"And I you," Sarah said with tears streaming down her face. "I want you here with me, but..." she hesitated a moment, lost in her own emotions. "But there is another who needs you now. I have watched her struggle to understand what our lives were like back then. I've watched her try to find the answers that have festered in her heart about why she is so utterly lost. She has barely slept for days in yet everyday she puts happiness and joy into the people around her. She is a fighter of good will and seeks only to make the world a better place after she's gone. This Brittany Williams has captured your heart as well as my own."
"Yes, I feel that I do love her but I'm confused," Amanda said with a great deal of effort. "I feel like I'm betraying your memory..." Amanda got lost in the sea of emotions flowing out of her eyes.
"No sweetheart," Sarah said with a smile. "I've only ever wanted the best for you and I still do." Sarah placed her hand on Amanda's breast, "You must follow what's in here. Don't worry about me. I'm well taken care of here."
"Has she said anything?" Roger asked as they were getting onto the highway. He's been completely flaking out since she went unconscious; his driving wasn't doing Brittany's nerves any favors either.
"What do you think?" Brittany said in an annoyed tone. "She doesn't talk at all, remember?" Roger could feel the tension coming from his back seat. He knew Brittany was feeling scared and worried, as he was too, but couldn't find the right words to say.
"I know, sorry, but is she coming around?"
"I think so," Brittany said with her attention focused on her friend. She could feel Amanda moving on her own as she lay in her lap. Her head would turn side to side, as if in disagreement with something... or someone. Brittany saw her lips moving, but of course she could hear nothing; however, it did leave her the hope that she would wake up soon. She bent over and gave her a hope- filled kiss on the forehead while she stroked her hair. All was silent for a few minutes, but this only added to the driver's tension.
"Damn it girl say something!" Roger almost shouted. Brittany looked at him, appalled by his sudden outburst; she really didn't know to whom he was speaking, her or his mute sister. He was nervous, concerned, afraid, in a word: a mess. "Brittany, please say something to her. Please keep talking," he got out through his frustration.
"What am I supposed to say?" she asked, more to herself than Roger. "Roger she's moving and moving her lips so just give her a couple minutes to come around."
All the response she could get to that was, "I'm so sorry, Amanda..." over and over again.
With that, Amanda fluttered her eyes open and looked around. Brittany gasped a moment, but couldn't find any words. Amanda turned her head, looking at her new surroundings. She noticed that Sarah's face had faded away and became the continence of her caretaker. She stirred in Brittany's lap, brushing her hand against Roger's arm; he near flew off the road at the contact of his baby sister's fingers. Amanda sat upright and immediately threw her seat belt over her shoulder making Brittany giggle a bit.
"Shit, sorry girls," Roger said after he regained his composure, "you O.K.?"
"Yeah," Brittany sighed. Amanda nodded with a scared look on her face.
"Amanda, how are you feeling?" he asked, looking at her in his mirror, to which she just shrugged. She took out her pad and began to write on it, but her hands were shaking so bad the pen was making this feet all but impossible. Brittany thought it might be from such an emotional day, but Amanda knew the true cause.
"Food," Brittany read the note aloud, lifting an eyebrow. As soon as that one word left her lips she felt her own stomach growl since they hadn't eaten a single morsel today. Amanda just shrugged and smiled, turning her head away from her friend.
"I'm a bit famished myself," Roger said, trying to calm himself from the elation that just washed over him. They pulled into the nearest fast-food place to get a quick bite before heading back to Kennview, which was still another twenty minutes away. No one said a word, but everyone wanted to. Amanda just ate like an animal that had been starved for weeks, seemingly oblivious to the tension on her friends' faces--she even stole some of her brother's and Brittany's fries in her fury.
They got back on the road shortly thereafter. All was still silent amongst the travelers as the hour grew late. Brittany looked out of her window to see the late summer sky begin to give-way unto the evening. The sun was sinking in the western sky, making their faces glow with the orange tint of the night's beckoning. Brittany struggled to find the answers to her most recent questions inside herself; she didn't want to be the one to break the silence. Roger kept beating himself up inside as they neared their hometown, but Amanda just sat back and listened to her wife's words echo in her brain.
"How are you feeling?" Brittany asked, unaware of the fact words left her lips. Her eyes widened as soon as she realized that she'd spoken.
Amanda turned her attention back to her friend. Brittany still had her attention focused out of her window but Amanda could hear the genuine concern in her voice. She leaned over and placed her head back onto Brittany's lap as if to tell her that all she needed was a little love. Brittany's let out a small gasp as Amanda suddenly laid her head into her lap. She unconsciously began stroking her hair and in a short few minutes, and for the second time today, Amanda was out like a light while lying on her friend's legs. Brittany felt a sudden sense of contentment wash over her soul at the thought of this becoming a regular occurrence.