Silent Tears.... A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys. By N. Davis
Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual content about the Backstreet Boys. If any way you are offended by this please leave now. However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know what you thought of it.
Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have read, because the chapters will be narrated by Kevin Richardson as his journal entries. There will be short passages which will be told through various people to help move along the plot of the story.
Chapter 3: Grammy Night
After Kevin finished preparing himself for the big night, he decided that it was time to apologize to each member of the group privately. Not sure who to approach first, he went to Howie's room. Kevin and Howie were never really close, so he decided that starting with Howie would be the easiest. Hoping that Howie, would let Kevin say what he needed to say, Kevin left his room for Howie's suite which was two suites down across the hall.
"Hey D, its me Kevin. Can I talk to you," Kevin asked from outside the door to Howie's suite.
Howie, shocked by Kevin's appearance at his door, waited a few minutes before replying to Kevin's question. Stunned that Kevin had the nerve, to come and see him, Howie felt he had to at least hear him out. Howie turned off the television which he was watching before Kevin's unexpected visit and opened the door for his friend. Without saying a word, Howie waled back to his chair and resumed his position he was in before Kevin had knocked on the door. Not sure, what to say, Kevin followed Howie into the room and shut the door behind himself.
"Hey D, there is no good excuse for my actions lately," Kevin sad as he sat down across from Howie. "I know lately I've been acting like as asshole, and I want to apologize for what I've said and done."
Looking up at Kevin for the first time, Howie replied, "Kevin I know that lately you've been rather distracted. All the guys have noticed or at least I think they have. We have been so busy lately that no one wants to bring it up. We all figured you'll tell us when your ready. Kevin if you don't want to talk to us about it, maybe you should see a shrink or something, before what happened last night happens again."
Kevin could tell my the tone of Howie's voice that he was still upset with what happened last night. One thing that Kevin did know about Howie was how stubborn he was. No matter what Kevin said, Howie wouldn't listen until he was ready. Knowing how Howie felt Kevin decided to cut his loses and not waste anymore of Howie's or his own time and energy. He thanked Howie for his time and showed himself out.
Once in the hallway Kevin decided it was time to talk with Nick. Because of the age difference, Kevin and Nick didn't have many things in common. That's not to say they don't like each other, but other than when they have to, Kevin and Nick never spent any time
Kevin stood outside of Nick's door for a few minutes before knocking. Several times he changed his mind and walked back towards his room, but each time he found himself returning to the outside of Nick's hotel room. After debating his decision a few times, Kevin finally decided to knock on Nick's door. Surprisingly, Nick yelled for Kevin to come in. Kevin a little taken by Nicks response, entered the room at Nick's response.
When Kevin walked into the room, Nick was getting dressed for the show. Kevin sat down on the bed, unsure of how to start. He fumbled through a magazine that was on the stand next to the bed. Just as Kevin was about to speak, he was interrupted by Nick.
"Kev, we don't have a lot of time before we have to leave, and I'm running a little behind schedule. Lets make this easy on both of us," Nick said as he turned to face his friend. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I can't imagine the BSB without you. Over the last seven years, I've always admired your strength and intelligence. If it wasn't for you there would be no BSB. I can't even recall how many fights and tough times you got us through. Each of us plays an important role in the group, and you are the glue that holds us together. I was just angry this afternoon, because you scared me when you were missing. I know we've never been really close, but I do think of you as a brother and when we couldn't find you I got scared. My way of dealing with it was to yell at you like I did. Believe me, that's not the way I really felt, you can even ask the other guys."
As Nick finished, he took a seat next to Kevin on the bed. Kevin's confusion was clearly visible in his facial expression as he tried to say what he felt. Kevin was never really good at expressing emotions unless he was writing a song. Moments later, Kevin gave Nick a quick hug, whispered the words thank you. Kevin got up form the bed and walked towards the door.
Just before leaving, Kevin turned to Nick, "Hurry up and finish getting ready. This is one event you are not going to make us late for, Kevin said as his flashed a quick smile at Nick before he left. Once in the hallway Kevin looked at his watch and saw that the boys were scheduled to leave in twenty minutes for the Staples Center. Because of the short amount of time the guys had to finish getting ready, Kevin decided he would talk to AJ and his cousin later after the show. Quickly, Kevin returned to his room to freshen up a little before leaving.
About fifteen minutes later, Brian, Howie Nick and AJ all arrived at Kevin's door. Just as they were about to nock Kevin opened his door.
"Well, guys you ready to win some Grammy," Kevin asked.
In unison, all the guys said, "Yes." "Good then lets go."
Kevin closed his door behind himself as he and the other guys left for the show.
The ride to the arena was pretty quiet. The guys, still a little shaken up with the days events, just sat back and enjoyed the ride in the limo to the arena. AJ was reading a program for the night's events when he happened to look up at Kevin who was staring out the window with a grin that spread his face from ear to ear.
"Hey B, what's up with Kev," AJ whispered to Brian, as he pointed towards the smiling Kevin.
Brian looked towards Kevin for a brief moment before returning his attention back to AJ whispering, "I don't know Bone, he seems to be daydreaming about something. And whatever it is, I haven't seen Kevin with an honest smile like on his face for some time now. Whatever it is that's making Kevin that happy, I wish there was more of it."
By this time Howie and Nick happened to realize what Brian and AJ were secretly talking about to themselves. Before any of them could say anything, the limo driver let the guys know that they would be arriving in less than five minutes. After Kevin heard the limo driver's message, he suddenly snapped back to reality. Aware now that AJ, Brian, Howie, and Nick were staring at him, Kevin's started to blush.
"What did I forget to do something," Kevin asked the other guys sarcastically.
Not sure what to say the other guys looked at one another to respond to Kevin's question. After a few seconds without an answer to his question, Kevin asked again.
"Well buddy, we noticed that since we left the hotel you've had this huge grin on your face, and that you were daydreaming. The guys and me, we just wondering what you were thinking about," AJ responded. "But if you don't want to tell us that's fine and we understand you want your privacy."
"Well AJ, if you guys must know I was thinking about the first time, all of us rode in a limo together. Do you guys remember what happened," Kevin asked as he looked directly at his cousin.
All of a sudden Kevin was not the only one with a grin that spread from ear to ear. Instead of staring at Kevin, everyone focused their attention towards Brian.
"Alright Kev, you got me. But I thought we all agreed to forget that ever happened and put it behind us."
"Hey, just remember that you are the one who wanted to know what I was thinking about." "Okay, Okay everybody its time to make our entrance. Everyone get ready to smile," AJ said as the limo pulled up outside the arena entrance.
The guys filed out of the limo one after another, waving to all their fans who have assembled outside of the arena just to catch a glimpse of them. After pausing numerous time for publicity photos and short interviews with various people. After about twenty minutes on the red carpet the guys made it into the arena, and to their seats.
At five minutes till 8 everyone who was not already in their seats, took their assigned seats and waited patiently for the show to begin. The boys went backstage near the end of the first hour to get ready for their performance. The guys decided that they would do a tribute to other bands before performing their third number one hit form the Millennium album, Show Me the Meaning Of Being Lonely. Kevin hated performing this song live. Every time he performed this song he wanted to cry, and tonight would be no different. Hopefully he would be able to hold his tears back form the cameras. He has become an expert at hiding his true feelings this past year, why should tonight be any different.
All the guys huddled together backstage, chatting with one another. Kevin was a little quieter than the other four. Throughout the night so far, he's been thinking up the next verse of Brian and his' song, Silent Tears. The producer told the guys to relax, they had another fifteen minutes before their performance.
"Brian Can I talk to you for a minute," Kevin asked as the guys started to move around backstage.
"Sure what's up," Brian asked hoping that Kevin was returning to his old self again.
"Well, you know that song were working on, I've written the second verse tonight, during the show, I think we should get together sometime next week, to put it to music. When are you free?"
Hesitating a little, Brian tried to avoid his cousin's question. How could he break it to him that he thought the song was stupid and that they should abandon it and start on something else. Brian didn't want to hurt Kevin's feelings, but the first verse wasn't any good, and Kevin hasn't had the creative touch lately. Realizing that Kevin was waiting patiently, Brian tiptoed around the subject.
"Kev, I'm not sure yet, what's going on next week, can I get back to you," Brian replied shyly.
"Sure, but I feel really good about this song, I'm thinking it could be a single for the next album."
Brian didn't know what to say to Kevin, so he just nodded in approval and walked away to avoid talking about the song anymore. He joined the other three guys who were getting some water. The producer said they had about two minutes till their performance so they should take their places. The guys all lined up and were ready to begin. Just as Rosie announced them the music started and the guys began their tribute to other bands, before moving to the other side of the stage. Once their they finished their tribute and began to sing Show Me The Meaning... .
Brian started the song off singing the first half of the first verse. AJ finished the first verse followed by the chorus. Kevin's solo was up next. After the chorus, Kevin stood up form his stool and belted out the words of his solo...
Life goes on as it never ends Eyes of stone Observe the trends They never say forever gaze for me
Kevin belted out the lyrics, like he's never have in the past. Kevin out so much energy into his solo that Nick, who finishes the second verse, was so stunned he almost couldn't sing his part of the song. Kevin looked out into the audience and for a brief second, he thought he saw his father standing on the balcony of the upper level of the arena. All this was to much for Kevin to take in, and without warning a few tears ran down his check and rolled down past his chin. He managed to regain his composure and finish the song. As soon as the camera were off the band, Kevin ran backstage and outside for fresh air.
"You guys what happened to Kevin out there," Nick asked as the guys walked backstage." "His performance was so emotional, and blew me away. I almost couldn't sing my part."
"Well it would've mattered anyway Nick, no one heard you over the thunderous applause Kevin got after his part. The audience drowned you out," AJ replied.
Once backstage the guys, looked for Kevin but couldn't see him. No one backstage knew where went when he left the stage, and the guys started to get worried. AJ could see the concern on the other guy's faces and he was a little worried himself.
"Guys remember what Kevin said earlier, he would never do anything to jeopardize the group. We all know how emotional this song is for him and his father. He'll be fine. Just lets get back to out seats and Kevin will join us, I believe that he'll be okay. Just give him the space he needs," AJ told the rest of the guys.
"Yea lets just hope he didn't bring any alcohol with him tonight, or we may never find him," Howie said sarcastically in response to what AJ had said.
"That's enough Howie, Kevin's my cousin and I won't hear another bad word about him, Brian shouted." Noticing people were listening Brian lowered his voice and rather angrily added, "We've all done things were not proud of and Kevin is no different. He apologized to us and AJ's right, we need to trust him. Lets just go back to our seats, and wait for Kevin. He's probably just a little nervous about performing with Elton John tonight, you know Kevin has always looked up to him."
At the next commercial break, the guys headed back to their seats, each one thinking the worst, although no one would admit it. Before they left backstage, Brian sent someone to try to find Kevin. He couldn't tell no one he was worried about Kevin's disappearance, he had to be the one to keep the group's spirits up.
With tears, flowing down his face, and running past his chin, Kevin ran off stage, as soon as the song was over. All he could see was his father sitting in the audience, Kevin missed his father more than anyone could imagine. Its been awhile since his father's death, but Kevin was still not able to overcome the void left in his life by his father's death. Kevin needed some time alone, so before the other guys got backstage, Kevin made his way to the basement of the Staples Center. Normally, this would have been blocked off, workers were busy, carrying backgrounds down into the storage areas. Kevin was able to sneak past the guards, without anyone seeing him. Once in the basement amongst all the confusion, Kevin was able to walk around undetected. After walking down, a dark hallway, Kevin seemed to be lost. He passed by a few different doors all of which were locked. As he got closer to a large black door at the end of the hall, Kevin could hear some piano cords being played. Once Kevin reached the door, he tried the handle to see if it was unlocked. Luckily it was, so Kevin cracked the door just enough to see a young man sitting in the corner of a small barely lit room, playing a piano and writing down notes on paper.
Kevin slipped into the almost dark room unnoticed (or so he thought) and just listened to the young man's music. The echo from the room made the beautiful melodies sound terrible, but Kevin could hear the raw talent coming from the young man. After about fifteen minutes or so, or writing and playing, the young man started to play and sing his song that he obviously wrote. Coincidently, the song was about the loss of someone in this young man's life. Kevin curled into he corner just listening to the song. Tears once again began to form in Kevin's eyes, but this time he was determined not to cry. He quietly got up, out of the corner, and went to leave.
"Going so soon are you," a voice asked?
Stunned, Kevin turned around to face the young man behind the piano. Kevin stood facing the guy, not able to utter a single sound.
"Hi, my name is Andrew, but you could call me Drew," the young man said as he stretched his arm to shake hands with Kevin.
Kevin reached out his arm also to meet Drew's. As the two shook hands, Kevin tried to utter his name. But he did not need to mention it for Drew knew who he was.
"Kevin if you have the time, I would love for you to stay. I would love to know what you thought of my song. I have some other Sings I could play for you also."
"Drew, I think form what I heard already, your a talented songwriter and singer, but I have to go. I'm supposed to be performing with Elton John in a few minutes.
"Really, I would love to play with him, someday. He's my idol you know. I've always wanted to be bale to play the piano like he could, but I don't think anyone can. Anyway I really wish you could stay longer, but I know your busy. Good luck"
"Yeah thanks Drew," Kevin replied. As Kevin turned to leave he couldn't help get that song out of his head. Kevin turned to Drew and said, "Why don't you give me your number and next time, I'm in town, I'll give you a call and we could get together." Drew gave Kevin his number, knowing that he would probably never hear form Kevin again. Kevin took the number and left in a hurry. The guys and him were on next. Kevin got to the backstage area where the other guys were with two minutes to spare.
"Hey guys, I'm sorry it took me so long," Kevin said as he approached the guys. He knew they were probably pissed with him for disappearing without telling them where he went.
"Kevin where did you go, Brian asked angrily."
I'll tell you guys after the show, Kevin replied in a tone that the all the guys noticed. After seven years the guys could tell when one of them didn't want to talk about something by a certain tone in their voice. Moments later, the Boys were called on stage to perform with Elton John. All of the guys were honored that they were chosen by Elton John himself, but especially for Kevin this was a dream come true. He always loved Elton's music and admired how Elton had managed to continue his success so many years after he began. Somewhere deep down Kevin wished that twenty years from now he would still have the success that he had today, but he knew that a career as a Backstreet boy was not to be his destiny. It was merely a stepping stone to his true destiny, one that Kevin knew he would eventually find.
After the boys' performance, they returned to their seats for the remainder of the show. The boys were up for a few awards that evening, but unfortunately by the show's end, the boys came up a little short in the award category. However, after the show, all of them headed to a party that they were throwing. A few weeks before, the guys decided to throw a post-grammy party. They rented a mansion near Los Angeles for the event. After the show the boys made their way to the party which had already began.
On their way to the party, all the guys were pretty much quiet in the limo. Kevin, still excited from performing with Elton John stared at the world as it passed by the windows. Due to the Grammys the traffic was very heavy in Los Angeles. Seeing that they would be on the road a little longer than expected, Howie decided to speak up.
"So, Kevin where did you go tonight when you disappeared? I never knew you moonlighted as a magician. Maybe on the next tour we can have 'Kevin the Magician' open for us."
Kevin pretended not to hear Howie's sarcastic comments. Why should have to explain to anyone where he went after their performance? Is he not an adult? Kevin continued to stare out the window looking at all the other limo's passing by, while the other guys were anticipating Kevin's response. With nothing being said from Kevin, Howie once again started trouble.
"What first you disappear and now you've become a mute. Maybe you can sign all of our songs at the next concert, since you can no longer speak," Howie said sarcastically.
Kevin still quiet, looked at the others in the limo. He didn't have to explain himself to anyone. But in order to get along Kevin ignored Howie's previous comment. "Guys, I'm sorry about running off stage tonight. You all know how much that song means to me, and tonight while I was singing, I thought I saw my father sitting in the balcony watching me. I guess it was to much for me to take. I needed to get some air, so I snuck out the back stage entrance and walked around outside to collect my thoughts. I would have been back sooner, but I managed to get myself lost in the basement of the building. I should have waited till you guys got backstage before I left, but I didn't want anyone back there to see me cry..."
Before He could finish, Nick interrupted him by saying, "Good thing you didn't have any alcohol on you, or we'd still be out looking for you."
Nick's comment was meant as a joke. He always tried to cheer up the group when they were down. Unfortunately, due to Howie's previous comments, Kevin didn't find Nick's comments amusing in the slightest. In fact Kevin was hurt by the comment Nick made. After their discussion earlier, Kevin thought everything was alright between Nick and himself.
"Maybe your right Nick, maybe I should have just left the arena and got plastered. Maybe I should just go back to the hotel tonight. I don't feel like being around you or anyone else tonight anyway."
Before, Nick could tell Kevin he was only joking, Kevin told the limo driver to pull over. They were only a few blocks from the hotel, and he could walk the rest of the way. As Kevin got out of the limo, Brian and AJ tried to persuade him to get back in and come to the party. Kevin kept walking, ignoring his friends. The guys watched as Kevin walked back to the hotel until they couldn't see him anymore.
"You guys I'm sorry I only meant it as a joke to liven everything up. I didn't mean to offend him or anything. Do you think he'll be alright?"
"Nick, I know Kevin will be okay physically, but emotionally I think he's going to need our help. He is the glue that holds us together. Without him, we wouldn't be here. At the end of this tour, with the exception of AJ we'll have a lot of extra time on our hands. I think we seriously need to find out what is bothering Kevin and what we can do to help him," Brian stated.
The guys all agreed, even Howie. He and Kevin were never really close, but he was still a friend who needed his help.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kevin made his way to his suite. It was still early but Kevin decided to turn in for the night. Before going to bed, Kevin reached in his desk where he had kept his journal. Once again he needed someone to talk to and once again he was alone, so he would have to rely on his journal for companionship.
Well this is my third entry today, and my problems are still here. I love performing with the guys, but it's not enough anymore. I need more out of life. I have decided after this tour to stay on with the group, but I will be stepping down as the "leader". From this point on, I will sing and write songs, but no longer will I have anything to do with the decisions of the group. I have decided to stick it out with the group until the end though. I've made a commitment to the group and the record company, and my promises are always kept.
Dad, I know that the person I saw tonight was really you, and I know you're watching over me. I want you to know that I appreciate it. Please continue to protect me. I know you know how much I loved you, I'm just sorry that I didn't get the chance to tell you myself, before you died.
Tomorrow I will tell the guys and our manger my decision about my position in the group. I'm gonna recommend that Howie take my place. Nick and Brian are to naive and with AJ going out on tour himself, he can't be bothered with all these small trivial things. Plus this will keep Howie from bothering me. Hopefully, this will give more time to develop my material for the next album. It will probably be the last BACKSTREET BOY cd so I want it to be the best it can.
Kevin Richardson February 23, 2000. *****************************************************************************
Everyone: I want to apologize for taking so long to post the third chapter of my story. After rereading chapter two I wasn't happy with the direction story was going. I hope that in the future I will be able to post each chapter about a week apart. However, I don't know if I will be able to keep up with that pace. I want to thank everyone who sent me email. Once again complaints along with questions are welcome also. Comments can be sent to author@backstreetboys.com