Silent Water - Chapter 6
Loneliness
I took nearly three hours to drive the forty minutes trip home. Tears kept blinding me.
I sent Ian and Ross on a month's holiday and did the same with Juan and Isabelle. I didn't want anyone to see me come apart at the seams. I wrote long letters to Sam ever week. Ian and Ross when they came back did everything they could to bring me out of my depression Juan and Isabelle crept around me like mice.
After a year of self destructive self pity I decided it was the Castillo that was the problem. Silent Waters whispered to me from every corner. I needed somewhere he wasn't. Arizona influenced it. I built a 12,000 sq. ft. Adobe style hacienda North of Vera on a hill. All we could see was a derelict village inland and the top two floors of the hotel on Vera Playa. On a very clear day I could still see the Castillo. The new house had a stupendous courtyard with every type of cactus and palm we could find in the area and a huge fountain in the centre. The entrance hall and most of the floors were tiled with Mexican tiles and the décor was more New Mexico and Arizona than Spanish or European. Stupid I suppose, it reminded me of where my Baby was. There was a fancy pool with lined rivers flowing from/to it encompassing the house. We could swim all round the house and end up in a huge kidney shaped pool with a wet and dry bar. Getting to the house was magical because I had bridges designed and placed at intervals around the river system that mirrored different civilisations architecture. When we moved in Ian and Ross were in heaven. They had a private suite with their own lounge. The gym was state of the art and at the seaward side of the grounds I had built a small stable block that resembled a Newmarket Stud Farm. Half a dozen good quality horses and a head groom with his own quarters at the stables, the yacht only a few miles away in Garrucha and I should have been in heaven. Instead I slid into an even deeper depression than before. We moved in at the start of winter and I had a huge open fire burning in the lounge. It would have been so romantic curling up with Sam on the large couch in front of the fire.
Ian and Ross eventually could take no more of it and gave notice.
"We're sorry boss, but you don't need us and don't really want us now."
So they went. I didn't tell Sam. I was still writing every week but he had never replied and never contacted me. I guessed our love had run its course and it was just me that couldn't get on with his life. Eventually I got suicidal and decided to end it. I sold the horses, made all the staff redundant with generous payoffs and had a final meeting with Philippe to make certain Sam would be contacted and would be able to get at the money and the house if he ever wanted it. Deciding that I would go and see him once more and when I came back I would die at the Castillo where my greatest happiness had been. I closed up the house and flew out to the States.
My first stop was the house I had built for Running Bear, Silent Waters Grandfather. Sam was living there but at work.
"If you ride Robert, Little Bear will take you to where Silent Waters works."
"Thank you Running Bear. How is Silent Waters?"
"Quiet, like his name. He is a good boy, thoughtful and caring, generous, no trouble to anyone. His boss at the ranch thinks very highly of him and as a result has given other boys from the tribe jobs on his spread."
It was quite early in the day. I could watch Sam work for a little while, say goodbye and fly back across the Atlantic tonight. Sam was a cowhand at a ranch just outside the reservation. He had worked there continuously for nearly two years and was apparently well regarded because he was good at his job and he turned up for work every day.
I had my binoculars with me so that when we came over the brow of a hill and Little Bear pointed Sam out working the boundary fence I told him I would watch from here for a little while. Little Bear left and I dismounted hobbled my horse and watched Sam through my binoculars. He and another cowboy were fixing a badly damaged fence that had many gaps and were riding out every so often to round up cattle that had strayed the wrong side onto reservation land. I marvelled at his skill on horseback. The time flew by and before I knew it Sam was riding across the boundary on Diablo making his way home. I rode down to join him much to his surprise.
"Robert, what are you doing here?"
"I came to make sure you were okay. I needed to know that you were happy."
"Why?"
"Because." And I laughed, I didn't want any further interrogation. "I can see how well you are I have been watching you work. You are very good. Would you like to buy your own ranch?"
"Yes, I could run my own spread now, I have worked hard and learnt a lot in two years. But never mind me, you don't look well. Have you been ill?"
"No, just lonely, but that's not your problem. Where would you buy a ranch?"
"Near the reservation if I could, but I have much more money to save before then. Running Bear is old and when he dies I can search further afield for a small spread."
"Good, maybe you won't have to wait too long."
"You said you were lonely. Don't you have a boy friend Robert."
"Don't you read my letters Silent Waters."
He blushed so I knew he hadn't.
"Are you staying long?"
"No, now that I have seen you and can see you are happy and settled I will fly home tonight."
"Stay for a little while Robert, we have plenty of room."
"No Sam, too painful I have to go."
"It's seven years since you called me Sam."
"Mmm, that's how I think of you here more often than not. Silent Waters is back in Spain. He whispers to me from all the corners of the Castillo and now that I am in the new house he even whispers to me there. I have closed it all up. When I leave here I will go back to the Castillo, that's where you and I were so happy so I need to be there now."
"What about Ross and Ian, Juan and Isabelle?"
"Ross and Ian finished a few weeks ago and I terminated the others this week."
"Who will look after you then."
"I won't need anyone to look after me Sam."
By that time we were back at the house and I could get away from the questions.
I said my goodbyes to Running Bear while Sam was showering and gave him an envelope.
"Hold on to that for me please Running Bear, it is for Silent Waters, you will know when to give it to him. Now I must go. Thank you for your hospitality, look after him for me."
I wondered if he saw the tears in my eyes. It was going to be incredibly difficult to say goodbye to Sam. In the end I chickened out. As I headed for the door I said over my shoulder, "And say goodbye to Sam for me."
I drove off that reservation as though the devil was on my heels and flew back to Spain.
Silent Waters Story.
I heard Robert's car drive away and rushed down the stairs.
"Why didn't he say goodbye Grandpa?"
"Perhaps it was too much for him."
"I don't understand."
"Your friend is dying Silent Waters. I think he is going home to start his journey to the happy hunting ground."
"But he can't. Why, if he is not ill?"
"You must know in your heart little one, it is not for me to tell you."
I went back to my room and pulled out all the letters Robert had sent. One every week since I left him and I had never opened one. Now I did and the sun was rising by the time I had finished. I also knew what Grandpa meant. Robert was dying from his love for me and was going home to finish it. I ran down to find Grandpa.
"I have to go to Spain, Grandpa, I think Robert is going to do something terrible."
"Silent Waters, you must not. You cannot live Robert's life for him. The only reason you can give for following him is your love for him. If you go out of pity that will make it even worse. You follow him because your love is as strong as his or you leave him to his fate. There is no other choice."
"I do love him Grandpa but I love you and my Indian life as well."
"I am sure if you both love each other so much you can find a compromise. But you only go if you could accept no compromise and devote your life to living like a western man for him."
"I do love him Grandpa. I have been lonely without him but I have had you. He has had no one. Please I want to go to him, don't be sad at my leaving. We will come back I promise."
"Silent Waters, he is your man, he should be your life, I am an old man but I am happy for you. He is a good man you should be with him to honour him for his love and generosity."
Little Bear ran me to the airport.
"You can have my room again Little Bear. Tell the boss at the ranch that I am sorry. Maybe he will let you have my job. Look after Diablo for me, I will send for him when I am settled"
I flew to Dallas then Madrid and finally Almeria. I took a taxi to the Castillo but it looked empty. There was no car in the Car Park and I could see no lights. I walked in the back gate and across the pool to the study doors. There was a dim light shining underneath. I opened one gently and could see Robert writing at his desk with just his desk light on. This lovely warm room that I remembered with such deep affection looked cold and lifeless. He looked up after a few minutes and obviously saw an indistinct shape in the shadows.
"I thought I had left you at the new house. Will you gloat at my end or will you be truly sad. You won't be able to tell Sam but he will know I love him more than life."
"I would be truly sad Robert. I love you so much and was blinded by my selfishness."
He stood up, strode to the light consul and turned the lights up full. He looked awful, in less than twenty-four hours since I had last seen him he had aged thirty years. I was devastated, obviously not nearly as much as him though. He let out a strangled cry, "Oh my love", and collapsed.
The Ambulance had us at the hospital in Huecal Overa before I knew it.
Doctor's assessment, emotional breakdown combined with malnutrition, no wonder he looked ill when I saw him. Robert had been starving himself for months.
I swore at that moment that I would spend the remainder of my life making this man happy. He had rescued me from an almost certain unpleasant ending, lavished enormous quantities of love on me, given me anything and everything he could to show his love and I had abandoned him. He wasn't perfect, but every time an imperfection occurred in his attention to me he worked overtime to correct it. How could I not have seen what this attention meant? He had tested his love on numerous occasions and found it sound. No wonder he was devastated, he could not have done more. I wept.
When the hospital released him we returned to the Castillo. I couldn't handle the new house yet. I employed no new staff and looked after Robert by myself. I cooked and cleaned and acted as gym trainer to help my man back to health. I smothered him in a cocoon of love. He had been so strong, so dominant all our life together. I wanted that man back.
It happened, slowly.
I went through what he had all those years ago, convincing him that I loved him and in my case, would never leave him again, as against his case of never hurting me again. I had inflicted more pain on him than I could ever have imagined. His love for me still frightened me, but not often. Almost a year, unbelievable, but eventually my man started to make decisions. I was in awe of what he had done for me now that I had experienced something of the same.
"Silent Waters, we ought to go and have a look at the new house. There is so much room there compared to the Castillo, and I have a surprise for you."
Unbeknown to me Robert had re-employed the head groom, bought back most of the horses he had sold and flown Diablo back from Arizona. He had re-employed Juan and Isabelle and installed them in staff quarters in a small villa in the grounds as permanent staff.
Of course Diablo was the main surprise, I had missed him and my riding. Juan and Isabelle were amazing. I had no idea how much they had loved me as well. How could I have been so stupid? All my clothes were in my wardrobes all my personal possessions in place.
"How Robert."
"Oh, Running Bear and I have been working together."
I threw myself into his arms.
"I never deserved you before, now I deserve you even less but still you lavish love on me like there is no limit to it."
He looked surprised and said.
"There isn't any limit little one. There never has been and there never will be."
"Robert, I have no right to ask for anything from you, but is there any possibility we could have Ian and Ross back?"
"Mmm I really should get everything back to normal shouldn't I and those two are about as normal as this household gets."
He laughed happily and I melted, it was so wonderful to have my man back. We flew to London to interview new security staff. The advert had been posted, worded in such a way that few applicants would meet the criteria. Ian and Ross took the bait and were the only two called for interview. When they saw Robert and I they just grinned.
"Ok Boss, whatever terms and conditions you set the answer is yes."
Game, set and match, our household was complete. Stupid, all that time lost but we were a family again.
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Back to happy times which means, of course, lots more sex.