This is an installment of SIMPLY WORDS, my fantasy with boy band BOYZONE member, STEPHEN GATELY. Again I would like to remind you that this is just a fantasy and none of these events ever happen. Although the first part of the composition stated that it was written before STEPHEN GATELY had came out last June of 1999, this part was written after he came out.
If you are a minor, you know the rule. Please don't read this and find something more suitable for you age. If you're a bigot who just wandered here by mistake, you are allowed to stay. I would like to request you, however, to please keep an open mind
There are two song featured on this composition. The first one is 'FATHER AND SON' originally sung by CAT STEVEN, later remade by BOYZONE. The second one is 'SEPARATE LIFES' sung by PHIL COLLINS and MARILYN MARTIN for the movie WHITE NIGHTS.
I always hope that this fantasy of mine would become a reality but until then... well. This is the first explicit story I've ever written. I would gladly receive any constructive criticism about this composition. My e-mail is j_andrew_andy@yahoo.com and if another fan of Boyzone is reading this short story, could you provide me with MR. STEPHEN GATELY'S e-mail address? Thanks, I would greatly appreciate it!
Read and enjoy!!!
SIMPLY WORDS
----------------- C h a p t e r 5 -----------------
I stood just outside of Shane's room, listening intently to every word the boys were saying. I was very curious why the Boys had this secret meeting. Why was I called in to take part? After all, I was already a member. As a matter of fact, why didn't they call Stephen? Is that just strange?
"Hey, I like the guy." I recognized Ronan's voice. "Andy's a great kid. I trust him to be good influence not only to Stephen, but also for the rest of us."
"I know he seems to be a very nice boy." I heard Mikey's voice. "But don't ever you think about the consequences. This could cause problems, you know, and I mean very big potential problems!"
I knew it. I could smell the trouble brewing. They were dropping me out. I knew that I was hoping for too much. Did they just take me in because they feel indebted to me? Or worst, did they just accept me because I was Stephen's lover? "You know I have to agree with Mikey there." Shane added. "The guy is extremely talented, but how well do we really know him. For all we know, he could be just like William."
By now, I was so filled with intrigued, my mind was riddled with questions. "Who's this William person?" I thought. "Could he be a member of Boyzone? How did he fit in this puzzle? Was he an old boyfriend of Stephen?"
"Yes,... how can we forget William..." Ronan mumbled.
"If we let this,... this relationship continue, think what might happen to Stephen!" Mikey stressfully reasoned. "Remember when he was going out with that William. He became recklessly drunk in a tavern and started soliciting sex from every guy there. Good thing was we weren't really famous back then and no one recognized him."
"But I think Andy is very much different from William. Can't you see, he's quiet, boyish, smiling and shy. He's just a perfect match for Stephen. It's almost like Stephen found a twin!" Keith interjected, then added. "And he's even got an outstanding voice; all he needs is practice. I see him about a year from now, hitting the charts in America."
"I see your point." Shane added. Then, he objected. "But this is wrong. We can't use him like this, that's almost like abusing and exploiting him."
"We are NOT going to use him." Ronan said firmly. "We're going to train him on how to further use his talents. This kid got charisma, talent, and, hell, he's got THE voice." He paused then laughed nervously.
"Believe me, back at the rehearsals, I was so afraid, and I mean really AFRAID, that he might going to replace me as lead! I'm not kidding!"
"Yes, I know he has ability and capacity to sing very well." Mikey sighed. "But don't you remember what happened last year in Dublin."
There was a silence in the room... a long, cold and severe hush. "Yeah." Shane broke the stillness with his moan. "That incident last year..."
What happened last year? I asked myself. Now, I was really curious.
"Of course, I remember..." Ronan silently trailed off. "How could we forget it!"
"That was different." Keith answered defiantly. "And THIS,... this is different. I know Andy is different.
Besides, Stephen assured us it would never happen again,... that incident would never happened again!"
"How can you really be sure?" Shane challenged Keith.
"I,... I,..." Keith stammered then his voice hushed.
"I trust this guy to be different, okay..."
"Just as I said, we can not just trust anyone else." Mikey sternly said. "This is a very serious and delicate matter we are dealing with. This is our career we are talking about. Hell, I don't even trust our assistants with all the secrets. Keith, think of this carefully, if some of our fans ever find out that I once worked as stripper, think of the consequences. Our popularity rating would drop like a rock!"
What did Stephen do in Dublin? I was so filled questions; I was burning up with curiosity. I leaned closer to nearly shut door so I could hear the conversation a little bit clearer. I have to know,... what had happen in Dublin last year.
Then I slipped. Much to the surprise of the boys, I fell into room. I quickly stood up, smiled uncomfortably and said "Hi?"
I clearly sense their discomfort with my presence. Painful silence enveloped the entire suite. Finally, Mikey was able to break the ice. Calmly and coolly, he spoke up. "So, how long you have been listening out there?"
I looked down to my feet. "Just long enough to hear everything..."
"Look, Andy." Keith stood up and came closer to me. "We,... I..."
"What he means is that..." Ronan tried to cover up Keith.
"Oh, just cut the bullshit!" I interrupted Ronan. "Tell me the truth. I was asked to join the band this afternoon. Was it because of my voice or because I'm just one of Stephen's conquest?"
"You have the talent!" Mikey assured me. "I can guarantee you that."
"Don't even try to patronize me." I glared at him. "I'm already tired in listening to your pathetic backbiting. I WANT THE TRUTH!!!"
"You are talented, Andy, believe me." Ronan stood up from the bed and approached he. "We want you in the band. You have one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard."
"Yes, we need someone like you." Shane added.
My voice was quivering, I looked Shane square in the eyes and sadly said "So why are you campaigning to axe me."
"Because... uhm,... because..." Shane stammered, trying to look for the right words to say. "We don't want to..."
"I told you to cut the bullshit." I answered coldly.
"What happen in Dublin last year."
"I don't think you'd want to know." Ronan said as he rubbed his temples.
"Oh, yes, but I do!" I replied chillingly. "I think I've been quite honest with all you from the very start. I believe that my relationship with Stephen was very open with the rest of you. And I believe the incident in Dublin is concerned with Stephen. So I would greatly appreciate it if one of you would be sincere enough to tell me the truth. What happened in Dublin last year?!"
"Should we tell him?" Keith looked at Mikey
"Tell him." Mikey answered as faced away from me. "Tell him everything. He deserves to know."
I can't believe how cold the room suddenly felt. All the boys looked away from me, trying to avoid my gaze.
I was already close to tears, but I held on to my stand. I gave a hard look and remained strong, but they knew how I felt.
"Please, tell me." I begged nearing to tears. "Why are you trying to break us apart? Please tell me the reason. I love Stephen and I think, no,... I know that he loves me too. We are very much in love. Tell me the reason, please."
"Well, last year, Stephen and William finally decided to break their affair." Shane began slowly and uncomfortably. "Stephen was so heartbroken. Every night he'd go bars, got drunk like hell and solicited sex from guys in the bar."
"One time, he came home with a guy named James." Keith continued the tale. "Very much like you, young, quiet, deep thinking. We all thought that, at last, he returned back to his normal self. But that was just one of his rebound relationships. After that, strings of short-lived love affairs followed."
"We were wrong about James, very wrong!" Ronan said ruefully. "He was even worst than William. He wanted Stephen to come out. As much as we want to be honest with our fans, we couldn't tell them about Stephen's homosexuality."
Right now," Mikey told me flatly. "Stephen just got out from another relationship. He was heartbroken when we left the UK. We'd like him to be happy. We don't want him to get hurt again."
"So you're asking me to leave the band? Is that it?" I asked bewildered. "You're asking me to leave Stephen? Now tell me, isn't that a just little bit too ironic? If I leave him now, wouldn't that even make him more heartbroken?"
"At least the two of you are not really deep into this affair yet." Shane replied. "Besides, we don't want you out of the band."
"We don't want you to leave band." Mikey spoke in a calm and sensible voice as he looked at me straight in the eyes. "We wish to train you to further enhance you singing. However, we would like to request you to stop you relationship with Stephen. I know it is for the best."
I hung my head, crying. I was so hurt. "I don't think so."
"We are quite sure that this is just one of Stephen's rebound relationships." Mikey said honestly. "Just imagine, if both of you had a fall out during our tour, think of the catastrophe, the havoc and the damage it would cause."
I stood there silently for a moment, thinking of what they had said. I had to admit he was right, they we're all right. "I... I have to go out." I gasped for air. "I have to go out for some air."
I walked out of the room calmly and when I reached the hallway, I began to run... I ran away as fast I could,... I had to get away from this place. The place sickened me.
I wanted to puke...
"Wait, Andy!!! Don't go, we have to talk" Ronan shouted.
I didn't stop I ran to the elevator and pushed all the buttons. As I looked around me I saw Ronan chasing to stop me. "ANDY, STOP!!!"
I didn't. When the elevator doors opened. I rushed inside and pushed the 'close' button as many times as I could. "WHY WOULDN'T THIS DAMNED DOOR CLOSE!!!" I shouted.
"Andy, don't shut the door." Ronan called out as he chased me to the elevator. "Wait for me..."
Much to my relief the door had finally closed shut,... just as he reached the elevator. I fell on the floor and wept. I couldn't believe it Stephen would just use me like this. "No, I don't believe them." I thought to myself. "I know Stephen loves me. I know he does."
At the back my head, I could hear a voice. It said "...What if the boys were right..."
I thought on that for a moment. "That could be true, after all, they've known Stephen much longer than I do." Then I shook the thought out my head. "I don't believe them. I love Stephen and I know he love me, too"
"...But, do you really think so..." The voice asked me, as if challenging me.
I became angry at voice inside my head. I stood up and shouted. "I KNOW HE LOVES ME!!!" I shouted with all my might and anger. "I KNOW HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!"
As if on cue the elevator doors open, just as I was waving my fist in the air and shouting angrily. It must been quite a sight because the people outside tried to avoid eye contact with me. With my final ounce of strength and last shred of dignity, I wiped my wet eyes and walked out as calmly, confidently and quietly as I could.
I know they were looking at me, the people with their curious looks and prying eyes. But I didn't care. I passed the hotel lobby, trying not to notice the stunned appearance of the other hotel guests. I didn't care. I walked out the main door, the doorman looked at me with concern. I didn't care. I just wanted to leave the appalling place.
I didn't care!
I hailed a cab and ask him to drive as far away as he could from that horrible building. I didn't care where he would take me, I just didn't. Just as long as I didn't have to see the building, I would be happy.
@;-,-'--- @;-,-'--- @;-,-'---
I knew I shouldn't have gone to the concert that night but I had to know,... I have to face Stephen and ask the truth, I have to know if he really needs me. When I reached the place, I immediately went to the back entrance. To my dismay, a huge crowd of young girls was already forming outside the rear portion of building. I pushed and clawed my way into thick and unruly crowd. Miraculously, I was able to reach the door.
"Please, you have to let me in." I asked the guard.
"Sorry, authorized personnel only." The guard said. I could sense his weariness.
"You've got to let me in." I begged. "I was supposed to be in there."
"Then why are you out here?" He asked curtly
"Please, you've got to let me." I pleaded. "Believe me, I have..."
"Didn't you hear what I just said!" The guard interrupted me. His voice began to rise.
"Wait, please find Mr. Jerry O'Brien." I quickly remembered Stephen's aide. "He is Stephen's administrative assistant. You've got to believe me. He knows me, just tell him that Andy Tan is outside looking for him."
"Very well." The guard gave in. He went inside and, a few moments later, he returned with Jerry.
Jerry was surprised and pleased to see me. "Andy! Where were you? They boys were beginning to get frantic." He was concerned. "Especially Stephen! He was so worried that he almost didn't want to perform tonight."
I went in quickly and told him. "How's Stephen?"
"He's still very upset that you suddenly disappeared." Jerry told me.
"So, did he know about the..." I asked uneasily.
"No, the boys decided it was best not tell him." Jerry answered.
"Oh,..." I sounded disappointed.
"Well, you've got to get ready." I hurried me off. "You still have to perform. If I'm not wrong, the next number belongs to you."
I was guided to the dressing room. I quickly changed into a white shirt and a pair of black slacks. The cosmetics girl hurriedly applied make-up on my face. All through out the application, there was nothing on my mind except how to break the news to Stephen as gently as possible.
When I was done changing, I walked to the left wing of the backstage and looked outside. The boys were performing 'WE'RE GOING TO BE SO GOOD' effortlessly. In the way they were dancing, they didn't look too disappointed to me, as if tonight's episode never did happen. I looked at Stephen, he looked tired and spent. His eyes were sad and weary.
I waved my hand to gain his attention. He looked my way and saw me. He smiled and waved at me. He flashed me a very energetic smile. I smiled back at him. He seemed to dance more vigorously and much livelier than before, now that he had seen me, as if he found a fresh source of strength.
"How will I break him the news?" I thought. "How will I tell him? How can do that without breaking his heart?"
The song finally ended and the boys went out of the stage and into the wing. Stephen directly dashed to me, almost jumping on my arms. He embraced me tightly as he asked. "Where were you? I was worried sick!"
"I had more butterflies in my stomach than I first though." I lied. "I had to get some fresh air,... to clear,... my..." I looked carefully in his eyes, and I decided that I have already said too much lies. I just then shrugged and said. "Nevermind!"
"Well, anyway, you're next." Stephen pointed out, then looked at me with his sad teary eyes. "You don't know how much heartache you've given me. Please don't do that again, please."
I looked him and stare. My own eyes were getting wet themselves. I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to tell him about what happen late this afternoon. But I just couldn't, I couldn't tell him that. I didn't want to hurt him.
"I... I..." I stammered.
Luckily, Shane tapped my shoulders and said "Andy, better get ready. You're next."
"I have to go." I hurriedly said.
"Wait!" Stephen grabbed my hand and pulled me back. He gave me a passionate kiss. He smiled. "That was for good luck. Break a leg!!!"
"Thanks." I tried hard to smile.
I walked over to the edge of the wing. I heard Ronan talking to the crowd. "We have traveled around the world. And if you've been around the globe, you would really meet many very talented people." He paused, looked my direction, then continued. "In our trip to the Philippines, we were very fortunate to meet one such person."
"He's such a good singer that I've decided to quit the band and let him replace me." He joked, drawing laughs from the audience. "But seriously, folks, this guy is so good, we've decided to make him a part of Boyzone."
With that remark, the mob cheered. Ronan continued. "I am proud, no,... I am honored to introduce the new member of Boyzone, Andrew Tan."
The crowd went wild as they welcome me. The stage lights shut down and the noise finally died down. The music started to play. One single spotlight shone down upon me. I took a deep breath and started sing...
"It's not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old
But I'm happy"
"I was once like you are now
And I know that it's not easy
To be calm when you've found
Something going on
But, take your time, think a lot
Think of everything you've got
For you will still be here tomorrow
But your dreams may not"
"How can I try to explain
When I do, he turns away again
And it's always been the same
Same old story
From the moment I could talk
I was ordered to listen
Now there's a way and I know
That I have to go away
I know I have to go"
Suddenly, several other lights were switched on and the stage was brightly lit again. I looked around me and saw the other boys coming into the light. They were my backup vocals in the song. Stephen gave me a thumb up, supporting me through this very difficult time. I smile back at him. I returned my attention back to the crowd and took an even deeper breath.
"It's not time to make a change
Just sit down and take it slowly
You're still young that's your fault
There's so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old
But I'm happy"
"All the times that I've cried
Keeping all the things I know inside
And it's hard, but it's harder
To ignore it
If they were right I'd agree
But it's them they know, not me
Now there's a way and I know
I have to go away I
know I have to go"
One can not imagine the thunderous applause I've received from my audience. I turned around and saw the boys coming towards. As usual, Stephen wore his big trademark smile. He approached me and gave me a hug. The other boys followed suit. I tried to smile to keep up appearances but I knew the boys weren't fooled.
"And that was Andy Tan." Shouted Stephen as he clapped ecstatically.
Ronan started some small talk with the audience. I stood there in the background with the rest of the members.
Stephen tugged my sleeve and said. "I knew you'd be a hit."
"Thanks." I replied half-heartedly
"What's the matter?" He looked very concerned. "You seemed disturbed. Anything wrong?"
"Oh, I just overwhelmed." I lied again. God, I hate to lie to him.
"Don't worry, all will be fine as the night progresses." He assured me.
I wish it were true. But sadly I knew this would be the last time I'd be with Stephen. I had already planned everything. I'm going back to Cebu and nothing is going to stop me from leaving. I had already purchase my plane ticket home. I just wanted to leave this place. Then, I looked at Stephen, my sweet Stephen. I thought. "I'm sorry, Stephen. I wish these were better times."
I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Mikey. "Andy, you'd better get ready. You're up next."
"Mikey, could you please tell the music band that I'm changing my song?"
"Sure, no problem." He replied. "What's the song"
"I'll be singing 'Separate Lives' by Phil Collins." I told him.
I looked at Ronan, still talking with the audience. "So without further ado, here again is Andy Tan. This guy is truly a hopeless romantic. He'll be singing 'Love Moves in Mysterious Ways', a great love song by Julia Fordam."
"Thanks, Ronan, for that very kind introduction." I said to him, as I took the microphone away from him. Then I faced the crowd, trying my best to put on a good face. "I'm sorry I didn't hear much of Ronan's introduction. I blank out when he started speaking. I get bored easily." Then I made a face. The crowd laughed. I looked Ronan and he grinned
"I think he had it wrong when he said that I am a hopeless romantic." I continued. "I only considered myself hopeless." Again, I drew laughter from the audience. "I see tonight we have a very good crowd. Guys, don't you think we should take this crowd to all of our concerts." I tuned to the boys and they nodded and clapped.
I returned to spectators. "Why don't we give ourselves a big hand."
The crowds howled and clapped.
"But seriously, I decided to change the song I'm singing tonight." I changed the tone of my voice to a more solemn one. "I was supposed to sing one of my most favorite songs 'Love Moves in Mysterious Ways', but due to some events that transpired tonight..."
I looked to the direction of the boys. Immediately, Keith looked away from me. Ronan and Shane looked down but Mikey just looked forward with a straight hard face. "I decided to change my song to a Phil Collins classic 'Separate Lives' from the movie 'White Nights'."
I continued to talk to the crowd. "I know I can never sing that song like Mr. Collins but I will try my very best. Since I don't have Marilyn Martin with me for a duet on this one, I would like to request Stephen to help me out."
Almost immediately, Stephen approached me at the center of the stage. The rest of the boys moved out to the wing of the backstage. I whispered to Stephen's ear. "I hope you know the lyrics to this one."
"No problem. I can handle it." He answered still smiling. Poor Stephen, he didn't know that I was already saying goodbye to him through this song.
"I would like to dedicate this song to a very exceptional someone who really made me feel very special these last few days." I started. "Love, I hope you understand I will always love you no matter what. Though, this is not the right time for us, nothing will change."
"He can handle it he says." I thought bitterly. My eyes were already starting to swell with tears. I didn't turn around to Stephen because I didn't want him to see me crying. I moved forward to the front of the stage. As the music began filling the concert hall, I took a deep breath and opened my heart.
"You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes
When you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?"
"You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives"
I looked Stephen with my teary eyes. But he was too engrossed with the song. He still didn't understand the meaning of my song. Or did he?
"Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me,
Will you never let it show?"
I joined in for the duet. My voice started to shake with sadness. It took me all of my strength and courage to control the shuddering and quivering of my voice and the tears from flowing out of my eyes.
"There was no way to compromise
So now we're living (living)
Separate lives"
But I held my tears back, controlling them to the best of my capabilities. I held them back not because I didn't want the song to be ruin. I held them back because I didn't want anyone to know, especially my dear Stephen, that my heart was shattered.
"Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger"
"Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Someday I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes"
"But for now, we'll go on living separate lives"
"Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives"
"Ohhhh,... Separate lives..."
By the end of the song, the stage lights were shut down and the entire proscenium darkened. I decided that it was my best chance to leave without any of the boys or the crew noticing my disappearance. As the crowd started cheering their hearts out and asking for an encore, I ran as quickly as I could in the dark... I dashed out of the stage.
On the wings, I bumped into Ronan. "Hey, where are you going. The crowd is asking for an encore?"
"I have to go back to the hotel." I avoided his gaze. I didn't want him to see me cry.
"But crowd loves you!!!" Ronan tried to stop me. "They want an encore."
"I'm not feeling very well tonight," I fibbed. "Must be all the all the excitement."
"Oh, okay..." Ronan told me. "Better have plenty of rest. Tomorrow, we'll be leaving for Hong Kong."
I replied vaguely. "Sure..."
I left the building and hailed myself a taxi. I couldn't hold my tears anymore. I broke down in the cab. I cried as we drove off. I cried all through out the ride. I cried when my ride reached the hotel.
When I reached the hotel, I immediately went up to our room and packed my things...
But I still cried...
When I was done packing, I went inside the bathroom and washed my face. As I looked over the shower area, I remembered the times we shared,... our happy moments... Stephen and me. "No, I shouldn't think about that." I scolded myself. "It's over. There's nothing more to be done except leave."
I reached for my bag and headed for the door. When I reached the entrance of our room, I turned back one last time. I said "Goodbye, Stephen I hope you understand..." Then, I left,... as I closed this chapter of my life.
-----the end???????-----