This is the latest installment of SIMPLY WORDS, my fantasy with boy band BOYZONE member, STEPHEN GATELY. Again I would like to remind you that this is just a fantasy and none of these events ever happen. Although the first part of the composition stated that it was written before STEPHEN GATELY had came out last June of 1999, this part was written after he came out.
If you are a minor, you know the rule. Please don't read this and find something more suitable for you age. If you're a bigot who just wandered here by mistake, you are allowed to stay. I would like to request you, however, to please keep an open mind
I always hope that this fantasy of mine would become a reality but until then... well. This is the first explicit story I've ever written. I would gladly receive any constructive criticism about this composition. My e-mail is j_andrew_andy@yahoo.com and if another fan of Boyzone is reading this short story, could you provide me with MR. STEPHEN GATELY'S e-mail address? Thanks, I would greatly appreciate it!
SIMPLY WORDS
----------------- C h a p t e r 8 -----------------
Immediately, I spun around and saw him. I shouted. "YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"Hey, I was only kidding!" Mike laughed. "I can definitely see that you still love him, though."
"I thought you said that you were going home." I told him coldly. "So why are you still here?"
"I seem to forget my keys somewhere around, ahh,..... there it is!" He pointed out. He went over the desk and took his car keys. "Got them!"
"How long have you been standing there?" I demanded.
"Well,..." he smiled mischievously. "Well, long enough to hear you scream with anguish."
My eyes grew wide with shock, annoyance and anger. I shouted. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE THIS VERY INSTANT!!!"
"Hey, you're over-dramatizing again." Mike told me. Then he mimicked me, much to my embarrassment. "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!! STEPHEN GATELY DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!!. Get real, okay. Who do you think your fooling? Hey, if you're really in love with this guy, then call him, stupid!"
"You have no right to say that!" I looked at him chillingly. "You've got what you came for, now leave!"
He began to walk to the door. He, then, paused and said thoughtfully. "You know, take it from me. If you let this guy go and he never comes back, you might just regret it."
"I will have no regrets! He lied to me!" I told him firmly. Keeping a straight and hard look on my face, I refused to cry. "That chapter of my life has already ended, I don't think that I can reopen it again. Besides, fairytales don't come true."
"Fairytales CAN come true,..." He insisted. "If you let them."
"No, they DON'T!" I told him. "Look, he was the one who lied to me. That's his fault!"
"OH, COULD YOU JUST GET OFF YOUR MORAL HIGH-HORSE FOR ONCE, EVEN FOR THIS MOMENT." He shouted angrily. "DO YOU EVER THINK THAT HE COULD BE THE ONLY ONE FOR YOU IN THIS WORLD AND YOU'D BE AT THE LOSING END IF HE EVER DISAPPEARED FROM YOUR LIFE?"
"I told you, Mike, I'll call you when I'm ready to talk." I walked away from him wearily. "But for now, just leave me ALONE!"
"LISTEN TO ME!" he grabbed and my arm so that I would face with him. "I SAID LISTEN TO ME. DON'T YOU EVER STOP AND THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS? DON'T YOU EVER... EVER... OH, JUST FORGET IT!"
Mike's voice began to break, tremble and shake. Hastily, he looked away from me, as if hiding his face from my sight. He sat down on my bed and avoided meeting my gaze. I walked toward my bed and knelt in front of him. "Mike?" I asked in earnest concern. "Mike, are you okay?"
He didn't say anything. He just continued to bow as if ashamed of something. I asked him again, gently. "Mike, are you feeling okay?"
"No,... no, I'm okay?" Mike still facing away from me. He was crying and shaking. "I'm fine!"
"Do you want to talk to me about anything?" I patted his shoulder gently, trying to soothe him of his angst. I really had no idea what came over him.
He shook his head.
I asked him. "This about Kylie, right?"
Kylie was Mike's girlfriend, or before they had a fall out, anyway. He never did tell me anything about the last phases of their relationship. I always something must have gone horribly wrong with the both of them. Mike was regularly open with his relationships but he never gave me a clue with Kylie, especially when their love life began to falter.
"Mike?" I asked him. "You don't have to say anything right now. You know I'll always be here for you."
"I was so stupid." He looked at with his tear-drenched eyes. "I was so stupid to let her go."
"Would you like to tell me about me. Please tell me, I want to help." I begged. "You trust me. We're still best friends no matter what, right?"
"Our relationship died because I was too proud." He began, wiping his tears. "I couldn't accept her past relationships and reputation."
"WHAT?" I shouted, shocked at his revelation. "What do you mean 'her reputation'."
"Her past boyfriends really used her, she slept around... you know, just for fun,... for sex." He looked away from me. "And when she came to me honestly about her past, I couldn't accept the fact that all I got were leftovers."
"Oh, Mike!" I exclaimed. "I'm so sorry to hear that.
I really am."
"She begged me to stay, she begged me to love her. She said she would totally change herself for me!" He laughed angrily and bitterly at himself. "But what did I do? I told her that she was a slut, and that she was the mother of bitches."
"You didn't." I avoided his gaze, shamed of what I heard. "You wouldn't,... you couldn't!"
"Oh yes. Yes, I did." He looked at me, with pain in his eyes. "And what was worst, I felt really good after telling her that. I told her to fuck off. And I even added 'too late, I forgot, you already did that, didn't you!', I feel so sick of myself."
He cried his eyes out. He gulped for air and continued. "That was her cry for help and for forgiveness, she asked me to give her a chance,... just one chance, that's all she asked. And what did I do, I spit on her face. Oh God, I hate myself! I was blinded by my pride, so blinded that I couldn't see my love for her and her love for me."
He continued to sob. I put my arms on his shoulder to comfort him. He wiped his tears off his eyes. "The next day, I realized what I've done. I hurriedly went to her house to apologize. But, when I got there, she was already gone." He sobbed in anguish. "She had already left the Philippines for good. She moved away. And even now I don't know if I could ever see her face again. I don't know if I could ever face again, after what I did to her. I was so stupid."
"Oh, Mike!" I cried with him. I hugged him tightly and said. "Everything will be fine, I can assure you that."
"No, it's not." He gulped some air and tried to stop you from crying. "Look, Andy, I didn't,... I didn't give her a chance. I couldn't swallow my pride and now, now I lost her forever. You, you still have him.
You still have Stephen and he still wants you. Please don't make the same mistake I've made before. Give him a chance, Andy. That's all he has asked from you, one single chance."
I didn't say anything. Even now, I was still hurt, angry,... and distrustful. What if he would do it again? What if I was just one of his rebound relationships. I just couldn't take the chance of getting hurt again, the pain was just so agonizing. "Should I trust again?" I asked myself.
As if he was reading my mind, Mike immediately said. "Andy, how long will it be until you see the truth. Love is about taking chances, taking risk. You don't know what ahead the bridge until you have to cross it first."
He stood up and said as calmly as he could. "Because you are my best friend, Andy, I'm only going to say this to you once, and only once." Mike paused and took a deep breath. "Don't... no. Never push away those who want to help you. Never take those who love you for granted. Because when they're gone, when these people are gone, you'll have no one left to stand for you. Ponder on that."
As Mike left my room, I still have my doubts whether to trust Stephen again or not. The hurt I've received the last few days were enough to give me a lifetime of nightmares. My room was as silent as a graveyard. I continue to search for meaning in the events that transpired a few days before. I hate to admit it but I still love him, God, I still love him.
"How can I tell Stephen that I still love him?" I thought out loud. "Does he really love me?"
"Yes, I do... I really do." I heard someone say behind me.
Without turning around, I shouted. "Mike, I'm happy that you are all 'up and bouncy now', BUT WILL YOU STOP THAT, IT'S BEGINNING TO IRRITATE ME!"
I turned around to push Mike out of my room once and for all. He was starting to get into my nerves. I shouted as I stood up. "ONCE AND FOR ALL, MIKE, GET OUT OF MY..." Then, I froze when I saw him. There he was, leaning on my wall. I, then, told him coolly. "Oh, it's you,... I thought you were on your way to Hong Kong."
"I tried to leave, I really did..." Stephen told me, adjusting his sunglasses on face. "But I just couldn't go without knowing if you still love me or not."
"No, I don't want you!" I told him indifferently. "Now go to Hong Kong, you might miss you concert there."
"Andy, please hear me out." Stephen begged. He took off his glasses and, my god, were his eyes bloodshot. I could definitely see that he was severely crying. "I know I haven't been totally honest to you, so you have the right to be angry at me. But I did some soul searching, and I know I want to be with you. I love you. I really love you."
"So, there WERE rebound relationships." I told him, still coolly.
He admitted without hesitation. "YES!"
"And was I one of them?" I asked.
"No!" He avoided my gaze.
"You're lying, Stephen." I walked away from him. "You're just wasting my time. Go to Hong Kong and sing there. You may still able to fool some of your fans over there."
"Okay! Okay, at first okay, at first it was,... it started out as a rebound relationship. I just had a break up with someone in the UK." He said to me, staring me at my eyes. "But as I got to know more about you, I decided to take you seriously. I wanted to make our relationship more than just a one-night stand. I want you to become a permanent part of my life."
"So who am I, really?" I asked him. "Just one of your toys? Your playthings?"
"No,..." He took a deep breath and said. "No, I see a deeply romantic guy with some innocence and child-like persona. But also I see you as one who is serious, who takes his hurt to heart and prefers to express his emotions in other ways than just talking. You are a very deep person, who really shows his love for others and who is willing to move heaven and earth to achieve his goals. You have the sensitivity of a little boy but your thoughts are way ahead and beyond your time. A little bit selfish at times but a good person as a whole."
"You've got me." I smiled. But my smile quickly faded. "But you've forgotten about honesty."
"Please, Andy." He said tiredly, close to tears. "I've tried to be honest with you, really I did. But I could not just tell you that I've got strings of relationships before you,... before us. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Too late, you've already did." I gave him a pained look. I gave him the cold shoulder.
He came closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder.
"I never intended to hurt you in anyway." He begged.
"Please believe me!"
Deep inside, I wanted to jump to his arms and tell him that everything is forgiven. But I just couldn't.
There was a part of me that still refuse to give in. My pride, maybe?
"Andy, please." He begged. "Forgive me!"
"You were not truthful to me!"
"Oh, come on!" Stephen whined. "Give me a break, it was just a mistake not..."
I interrupted him and looked at him sharply. "One mistake is ONE mistake."
His eyes were now filled with tears. "Are you sure about at that?"
"Yes, I am."
"You refuse to forgive me because I once told you a lie?" Stephen asked."
"Now, you've got it." I replied sarcastically, mockingly even. "Now if you've got nothing more to say or do, you can leave! And, oh please close the front door when you get out of the house. I don't want any other low-lives coming in to my house unannounced."
I started to walk out my room to go to the bathroom. As much as I love him, I just couldn't show I cared. I have to leave my room before my tears start to fall.
"Wait,..." He called out to me. "I still didn't get my answer."
"Which is?" I asked without facing him.
"Do you still love me?" He said as he walked towards me.
"No, I don't love you anymore." I told him avoiding his gaze. "Now, please leave."
"Face me when you tell me that." His voice was shaking. "So look me straight in the eyes when you tell me that you no longer love me."
"I,... I don't..." I stared him in the eyes but I couldn't say it. I back off slowly walked away from him. I reached the window and looked out. I then told him. "I don't love you anymore."
"I don't believe you. You're not looking at me." He, then, challenged me. "You still love me... You still love me bad."
"WHAT?!!! OF ALL THE CONCEITED, BRAGGING, SELF-CENTERED, SELF-ABSORBED, EGOCENTRIC, OVER-CONFIDENT, SELF-IMPORTANT, BLOW-HARD EGOMANIACS! " I cried out in anger, in full fury. "I COULD NEVER LOVE SOMEBODY LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!!! HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE ME TO SAY THOSE WORDS!!! I WOULD NOT WASTE A SINGLE MOMENT OF MY PRECIOUS TIME JUST TO SATISFY ONE OF YOUR MASOCHISTIC DESIRES!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!!!"
"Say it. SAY IT." He shouted. "Then say it, I won't leave until I hear you tell me that you don't have any feelings for me right now."
"OH, I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU!!!" I screamed, enraged with his provocation. "WORDS CAN NEVER DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW... WAIT, THEY CAN. I AM DISGUSTED!!! I AM REVOLTED OF YOUR... YOUR PRESENCE IN FRONT ME."
"You're not saying it!" He told me, practically in tears. "Say the words Andy, and I will leave. I will never disturb you again. Just let me know, Andy, please. Just tell me that you don't love anymore and you will never see me again, I promise you."
"I DO NOT LOVE YOU!!!" I sneered angrily. I hissed like a infuriated and cornered feline. "I HATE YOU!!!
I LOATHE YOU!!!"
"OH! Oh, I see..." He looked hurt and shocked. As he took an envelope from his coat pocket, he swallowed hard and said. "Well,... I came here in hopes that you would still want to go with me to Hong Kong. But, I guess, I guess that,... that,..."
His voice broke in a series of sobs. Stephen started crying. He started to walk away, hastily. In his hurry, he dropped the envelope. I was so engrossed with the sudden rush of emotions that I didn't even cared to stop him from leaving.
After Stephen had stepped out of my room, I slowly stooped down and picked the envelope. I opened it gently and look at what it contained. Inside was an airplane ticket to Hong Kong with my name on it and a letter hastily written on a hotel stationary. I opened the letter and started to read it.
Dear Andy,
I never thought that not telling you the whole truth would cause this much hurt, pain, anguish and heartache. Ever since you left me, there has been nothing on my mind except how to get you back, how to win your love. True, I lied to you. And true, I had strings of short-lived love affairs, most of them ended with my fault. But I wanted more for our relationship.
Call me selfish if I say I want our love to grow. Call me greedy if I tell you that I only want you for myself. Call me anything you want, but I know I can never live without you. Sounds like a cliché, I know, but it's true. I can never ever live without you. I don't want to breathe with you. I just want you to be mine, is that too much to ask?
I don't want to give you the moon and stars, or write you love romantic poems, love sonnet or songs about senseless and sweet nothings. I just want to be able to say I need you and I love you. I just want to hear you say that you need and love me, too
Please need me, Andy. That's all I ever wanted. Please need me like I need you...
Please Come Back
I'm sorry for what I've done
I've hurt you with my careless lie
I didn't know that I had hurt you
Until you've said,... good-bye
And, though, you may not love anymore
my feelings for you are still here
Deep inside my heart I know...
and losing you forever is my greatest fear
I've loved you all my life
I hope you'll plainly see
all the sufferings I've faced
please come back to me
Every night I dream, you are at my side
and when I wake up you're not there
I just simply cried, cried and cried
Wondering, if you still care
My friends told me to forget you
to leave all memories behind
They say all broken hearts heal
broken hearts heal soon in time
Time heals all wounds they say
but that's not true
cause my broken heart still bleeding
since I was left by you
Please come back to me...
Please?
Love always and forever
Stephen
After reading the letter, I could feel the tears slowly falling down my face. I was crying,... not of sadness, but of great ecstasy. "He really loves me!!!" I was still in a state of shock. "He really, really loves me."
Still dazed, I walked to the bed and sat quietly. Still in a state of confusion, my head was still cloudy. Suddenly, like a twenty-wheeler truck, it hit me and it hit me hard. He was leaving me, forever. Quickly, I ran out of my room and out of the house. "Oh, no!!" I thought. "He's going to leave me forever."
As I went out of our gate, I saw a taxi turning around the corner. I tried to chase it but much to my dismay, I failed. I slipped and fell on the road.
"Oh no, he's gone." I cried. "He's gone."
-----to be continued-----