Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters who share names, descriptions, etc., with real-life people (specifically members of the group *N SYNC); however, this is all fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about those people. To read this work, you must be 18 or of whatever age is legal in the area you reside.
This story is a very different style than any of the others I have read. You may or may not like it. For those who do, I'm glad you enjoy it. For those who don't, there are plenty of others to read--enjoy those. Any comments are welcome. E- mail me at storywrightr@aol.com. Thanks.
Subj: your story Date: 8/4/99 1:38 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hey man, read your story in the Nifty Archive. Enjoyed it. It was a little different from the others, you know? Kind of a different angle from most of them. I'm glad you don't have the guys crying all the time. And I like that you have JC as the main character. Why was that? He your favorite?
Anyway, hope you write some more. I liked it.
Subj: Re: your story Date: 8/4/99 10:15 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Thanks for the note! Glad you liked the story. Different? Yeah, I guess--just sorta my fantasy. Yeah, JC is my favorite--I mean is he like totally hot or what? And it's like he's real too. At least that's how he seems to me.
Write more? Yeah, I probably will. Don't know when though--kind of busy right now, but writing is what I love to do.
Glad you liked it. What's your name anyway? Are you a singer? (sing4u gave me that idea--smart, huh?)
Thanks.
Jared
Subj: Re: Re: your story Date: 8/5/99 1:45 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hey thanks for writing back! So you think JC is hotter than Justin, huh? I thought everybody liked Justin the best. I bet JC is real--bet he's just a real normal guy, you know?
So what are you busy doing? You in school or something?
Yeah, I sing. I love music. It's my life.
Oh, my name is Scott.
Take it easy!
Subj: your note Date: 8/5/99 10:27 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Scott, huh? That's a great name! Hi Scott!
You seem to be up late a lot--or are you in another time zone? The times are always given in Eastern time on my system, you know? Whatever. I guess I probably shouldn't ask questions about where you are and stuff, huh? I'm not ready to tell anybody on here everything about who I am, so I guess I shouldn't ask anything.
Yeah, I know a lot of people like Justin--he's cute and all, but he just can't compare to JC--voice or looks. I mean JC has the much more expressive voice. And maybe it's because he's a little older, but that face! I mean all that bone structure and beauty!
Not in school anymore--I'm working. Actually at work right now--that's where I do a lot of my e-mailing from.
Later!
Jared
Subj: Re: your note Date: 8/5/99 11:55 PM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hey Jared,
Glad you like the name! I do too. Jared's a great name too. I like J names, you know? Like Jared and Joshua and Justin and Joey; just to name a few!
Yeah, I guess it's not real good to be telling a lot of things over the net and stuff, but it also seems like it's a pretty safe way to talk to someone and to get to know them. I mean it's not like I can show up on your door step or in your office or anything, right?
So Jared, if you are working in an office and not in school anymore, does that mean you are older? I mean, how old are you? And, I guess since you wrote that story, you're gay right? Those questions aren't too personal, are they?
Take care!
Scott
Subj: hey there Date: 8/6/99 10:01 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Hi Scott,
Yep, I like the J names too. Sorry man--Scott's good too--even if it's not a J! Just giving you a hard time!
I'll answer your questions--but I get to ask some too! Okay!?
Yeah, I guess I'm older than most boy band fans--sorry, I guess I'm just young at heart--or immature (I'll let you decide!). I'm 29--I guess that is getting old, huh? Oh well. I don't care. I am who I am--and I enjoy it.
Yeah, I'm gay. Always have been. Never been interested in a female in any way but as a friend. I have lots of female friends, but never as a lover.
So back at you! How old are you? Are you gay? Are you out? What kind of work do you do? What do you look like?
There you go!
Jared
Subj: Re: hey there Date: 8/7/99 12:53 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hey Jared,
Thanks for telling me about you some. Okay, I guess fair is fair, huh?
Let's see, I'm 22; I'll be 23 very soon. I guess I'm gay, though I've not really done all that much about it. I've never slept with a woman, but have dated a lot. I'm not "out"; it's kind of difficult in my life. I don't have much choice. I work in the music industry, which is cool. I get to be around music all the time and that's my life. You didn't tell me what kind of work you do. Your turn! And do you have a guy in your life?
Oh, what do I look like? Let's see. I'm 5'11", weigh like 160, my hair is dark brown, my eyes are kind of blue or hazel; they sort of change color sometimes. And YOU? What do you look like? I mean you aren't all old and gray and bald or anything are you? SORRY man! I just couldn't resist! Had to give you a jab! Hey, bald can be really good looking! I probably should shut up, huh?
So write me back and tell me more about you!
Take care!
Scott
Subj: Re: Re: hey there Date: 8/7/99 9:23 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Hey Scott,
This is the first time I've written you from home. I usually play on the computer at work, but it's Saturday so I'm using my lap top. It's an old one, but pretty good still. I use it mostly to write; it's not nearly as fast or big as the one at the office.
That must be tough to have to pretend--I mean about not being gay. Do your friends and family know? Or do you have to pretend to everyone? I can't even imagine having to do that anymore. I guess I'm lucky. I work in advertising-- copywriter--so it's pretty open and free, you know? I'm sure not the only gay guy at the agency!
No I don't have a boyfriend--how sweet of you to ask! And how lousy of you to remind me! Just kidding. I wish I had a boyfriend, but maybe I'm too picky. Or maybe I'm too insecure. Or maybe I just haven't met the right guy. Or something! I've dated different guys, but it's always like something is missing, you know? I just don't feel the chemistry. I meet lots of guys and enjoy being with them doing things (like dinner and movies and stuff) but I don't want to go to bed with them. That usually means I don't see them very many times. I don't love them and I don't feel like I'm going to love them. And I just don't see the reason to go through the motions if not, you know? I can keep myself pretty happy sexually--don't need another guy for that! (Sure have enough practice!)
I guess since you aren't out you don't have a boyfriend, right? Have you ever? What's your sexual history? I mean, you said no women, but what about guys?
BALD AND GRAY! You are in major shit with me man! I'm not even thirty YET! And you aren't THAT much younger than me! And nobody believes I'm twenty nine anyway.
I'm 6'1", 165 pounds, light brown hair I keep short, green/brown eyes--like you said, they change sometimes--like when I've been in the sun, sometimes I grow a goatee--right now I'm clean shaven; I'm pretty lean--okay, not muscular--but okay; have some hair on my chest--kind of medium amount--not furry, not smooth, you know? And as they always say online--people say I'm good looking. Let's put it this way, if I walk into a bar and see someone I want, before the end of the evening, they've usually come over and talked to me.
Well, this got long--but you asked the questions!
Have a good weekend Scott!
Jared
Subj: hello Date: 8/8/99 2:19 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Wow Jared. That was a lot of news! But I loved it! Thanks for being so open.
I'm really sorry man about the bald and gray stuff! I know 29's not old! I mean I like older guys! That probably wasn't the right thing to say either, huh? I mean I like guys who aren't kids anymore. Anyway, you sound like a nice guy. And you also sound really hot looking. (Did I just say that?) I mean if you can get any guy you want! I like lean too; well, at least on other guys. I wish I was bulkier, but I like lean on other guys. The chest hair sounds nice too. I probably should shut up. I'm beginning to sound too interested in all this.
Believe me I know about keeping yourself happy sexually! No I've never had a boyfriend. And here goes: no, I've never been with a guy. (Except in my mind all those times I'm making myself happy sexually!) I know, I'm pretty old to be a virgin. But there really are reasons.
Yeah, I do pretend to my friends and family. Can't imagine, huh? Well, I can't imagine how great it must be to be like you and be able to be open and honest. Lying all the time, even if you really believe it's for everyone's best interest, gets pretty old sometimes. It hurts to lie to people. It hurts even more to realize they probably would hate you if you told the truth.
Whew. Sorry about that. Hope you don't mind. I mean, I really like having you to "talk" to, you know? I mean, I can be honest with you. Ha! That's funny, huh? You don't even know where I am or who I am; but I feel more honest with you than with the people I know and love.
Better subject: laptop to write? So you like to write at home? Or is that to do work at home?
Hey, did you read that last story about *N SYNC in Nifty? It was really funny. I mean the story wasn't so bad, but have these people never looked at a map before? I mean, where's there a beach or an ocean, in Orlando? Why do they set these stories in places they've never been. Or if they've never been there, why don't they read about them or find out about them. That one always makes me crazy! Or hills in Orlando. Nope! Crazy huh?
And I also love to see which members of the group they make gay or mean or whatever! I love that!
Hey Jared! Thanks man for listening! It means a lot to me!
Love,
Scott
Subj: Re: hello Date: 8/8/99 3:44 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Hey, you should talk! That last note of yours is long too! LOL But I really liked it, you know? I mean, it means a lot to me too that you talk to me. I'm really sorry you don't have friends you can talk to--but I'm glad you feel like you can talk to me. I like it.
So Scott, were you like coming on to me? That paragraph about liking older guys? J/K
So you want to be bulkier. Do you work out? Do you do weights? You don't want to get real big, do you? So--blush--is your chest hairy?
Hey, we'll have to have an x-rated exchange sometime about jerk-off techniques!
Don't worry about being a virgin though--that's kind of cool, you know? Anyway, I was a virgin until I was 21 (or about a week before I was 21). It wasn't so bad. More important that I did it first with someone I loved.
Yeah, I use the lap top to write--I mean write stuff I want to write. Like that story I posted--but also more serious stuff. It's what I love--I guess like you love music. It's what I hope I can make a living doing someday--without having to work at the ad agency.
Hey! How do you know about Orlando? Just good in geography? Or have you been to Orlando?
I haven't read the last story yet. Who was gay this time? It's interesting to me how many of the writers really like Lance. I mean, he's okay and all, but I don't really get it--you know? I mean, I get it with Justin--he's cute; and you know how I feel about the beautiful and perfect JC--but Lance? I guess it's just different taste, huh? He does seem like a really sweet guy in the interviews and stuff.
So this is my afternoon before going back to work. I think I'll try and get out and spend some time outside--it's pretty out there today. I'll take my lap top and try and do some writing (probably will just enjoy the sun and fall asleep!).
So Scott--keep writing, okay? I enjoy hearing from you.
Take care!
Jared
Subj: hello out there Date: 8/9/99 10:15 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Missed hearing from you today. I mean, I know you're probably busy and all and it's not a big deal. But here I am at work and there's no e-mail from you. I had gotten used to it being there to break up my morning! Sorry--don't mean to sound like a crazy person! I should erase this paragraph, huh? Oh well, I'm not going to--I mean, that's the thing here, right? We're being honest with each other, right? Like we maybe don't feel comfortable being with other people?
I guess that's part of my worry--I hope you didn't feel bad about telling me the things you did in your last note. I mean, it's not like I even know you or will ever meet you, so you shouldn't be embarrassed or nervous. Am I just projecting here?
Bail me out Scott! Write me a note!
Take care!
Jared
Subj: Re: hello out there Date: 8/10/99 1:14 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hey Jared!
Sorry I was out of touch. Yesterday was my birthday, so my friends took me out to celebrate. It was really late and I was really tired by the time I got back, so I didn't even sign on at all. Sorry if it seemed like I was avoiding you. I should have told you that I probably wouldn't be on last night. And I usually can't sign on during the day. It's only late at night that I'm alone. Thanks for the second note though! That was great to find two when I signed on tonight!
I guess I should be embarrassed by some of what I write to you, but I'm not really. Like you said, it's safe on here to talk; at least I feel safe talking to you. Should I? Can I trust you? Oh, and I don't think you seem like a crazy person. I think you sound like someone who is becoming a good friend to me.
Hmmm . . . was I coming on to you? Gee, I'm not sure. Maybe I was. I don't have much practice in this area, remember? I guess I do like to flirt. It's kind of part of my job. But that's different. I don't know, Jared, it's just that I can express things to you that I can't to anyone else, you know? Hope I didn't offend you.
I do work out some, but my work is pretty strenuous and pretty long hours, so I don't usually have the chance to really work out. At least not on a regular schedule. And no, he he, I don't have hair on my chest.
An x-rated exchange, huh? Cool! I mean, if we can survive it. I don't want it to interfere with us talking about other things though. You know? I mean, I can go in a chat room to talk dirty. But I can't go in there and talk like I do with you. That okay?
So cool. You had sex for the first time with someone you loved. I'd like to hear that story. I guess you aren't still with him, but I hope it was good while it lasted.
And way cool about your writing! Can't wait to read your first book! When will it be ready?
Yeah I know Orlando really well. I spend a lot of time there. It's my home base actually. Why'd you ask?
And you don't like Lance huh? LOL Well, that's probably okay. I doubt he'd be interested in you either, what do you bet?
So Jared, don't worry; I'm not going to stop writing you any time soon. I mean, you've become important to me. I mean, I hope that's okay; I don't want to put any pressure on you. It doesn't need to. I mean I hope you don't mind me writing. I really like our correspondence. Okay, now I'm sounding like a crazy person, huh?
Anyway, thanks Jared for being a good friend.
Love,
Scott
Subj: Welcome back! Date: 8/10/99 8:21 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Welcome back Scott! I missed you! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Why didn't you tell me? That's very cool. So you're 23 now? Cool--so now you are only six years younger than me!
Look at this! I'm at work early! Isn't that sad? I wanted to have time to write you before anyone came in and started bothering me for WORK stuff!
You sure gave me a lot to think about. But first! You are in Orlando a lot of the year? Scott, I LIVE in Orlando! Isn't that weird? I mean, we could be in line together for a movie sometime. Or shopping in the same stores! I mean, doesn't that freak you out?
Now on to other subjects. Have you noticed that I take your note and write over it so I don't miss anything? I don't want to miss talking about things you talk about, you know?
Please, please, don't ever be embarrassed by anything you tell me or want to tell me. I'm here for you, okay? This friendship is important to me too. I mean, I guess it's crazy--I guess maybe we're both pretty crazy--having an important relationship with someone who is faceless--almost nameless. Whose voice we've never heard--maybe never will hear. Who we'll never even shake hands with, much less hug. Whew, maybe I am crazy, huh? Maybe I'm getting carried away here.
Change of subject!!! Flirting is part of your job? And how is it strenuous? Please explain!
And coming on to me would NOT offend me! But you probably are right. An x- rated exchange is probably not wise. THAT would really be embarrassing!
My first book is probably a long way off--unfortunately. I just wish I could write all the time, instead of having to go to work. But then on the weekends, I usually find other things to do besides writing. Maybe I have a block. Maybe I'm just not ready. I don't know. But as they say, I'm not quitting my day job!
Yeah, my first time with sex was with my college roommate. We were thrown together as roommates, but over time became best friends. And a little while later, became lovers. It lasted for a few years. It was good, while it lasted; but we really wanted different things. And it's tough being someone's first. They start wondering what they are missing. (Remember that!)
Hey! You don't think Lance would be interested in me huh? Remember, you haven't seen me!
Bye, my friend!
Jared
Subj: Re: Welcome back! Date: 8/14/99 2:11 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
My dear Jared,
I'm really, really sorry to have not written the past few days. Especially after saying I would not quit writing. I could say that I had been busy. And that's true. But it's really not that. I was scared. First I was scared that I had really come to depend on you and care for you. And then you said that stuff about having such a relationship with someone who isn't real. And then you told me you live in Orlando! Then I really got scared. I mean, there was so much comfort in having this on-line relationship with you. But as you say, it isn't real. But then if we're both in Orlando, it could be real, right? Except that I think I'm too scared to let it be real. And so I guess I sort of cut myself off from you. But I missed you too much, Jared; right or wrong or crazy or whatever, I missed you and I wanted you back in my life.
I guess I just have to hope that you weren't too hurt or mad at me this week. I hope you'll forgive me and write back. And then there's the question of whether you want to go on in this unreal real relationship or whatever it is.
I need to write a song! Maybe I can express it that way! Ha Ha All those songs I've written. Some of them are actually good too! But what do I know about love and all that stuff I write about?
I hope I'll hear from you Jared. I miss you. I am sorry. Please forgive me.
Love--yes, love,
Scott
Subj: Re: Re: Welcome back! Date: 8/14/99 7:39 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Hey there,
It's Saturday, of course, so I'm home. I read your note this morning and have been wondering all day how to respond to it. I'm still not sure how I'm going to respond--I'll just have to read along with you and see what I write!
I'm sorry you were scared. ARE scared? I guess I should be scared too--I've gotten really attached to you too. And this week showed me how dangerous that was--you can just disappear for days at a time and what can I do about it? Sorry, didn't mean that to sound like a guilt trip or something.
As far as both of us being in Orlando, just think of that as a possibility. One that never needs to be acted upon, but is there if we BOTH choose to do something about it. It will be strange though to see some dark haired guy a couple inches shorter than me, early twenties, maybe in a store or something, and have to wonder if he's you. If you see someone who looks like me staring at you, who knows? It might be me!
Stupid of me or not, and even though I really missed you this week--or maybe because I did--I don't want you out of my life. I want you in it--in whatever way may work for us. I've really enjoyed our writing to each other. I hope it will continue.
Love you too, Scott
Jared
Subj: Thank you! Date: 8/14/99 10:37 PM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Jared! Thank you SO much!
I know it's all crazy. I'm crazy. Who knows? Maybe you're crazy too. Most people are, aren't they? Thanks, though, for forgiving me. For giving me a second chance.
And yeah, I'm still scared. But not when I'm writing you. Or reading a note from you. Then I don't feel scared at all. I just feel good.
About Orlando, for now it doesn't much matter. I'm not there and won't be for a while. I guess we can cross that bridge when we get to it, right?
Love,
Scott
Subj: Re: Thank you! Date: 8/14/99 10:59 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Wow--that was almost live! What are you doing home on a Saturday night? I have no life, but I assumed YOU did!
I think we need to get beyond this whole subject, okay? Let's move on to other things!
You still didn't tell me about your job. I still want to know how flirting is part it! Are you a dancer or something? You aren't a NAKED dancer, are you???
I did do some writing this week in the evenings! Aren't you proud of me? I'm working on a short story right now. I think the storyline is pretty strong--and the characters too. Maybe this will be my breakthrough! You may know a famous author yet! (NOT someone else! ME!)
Hey, Scott? Can we make a promise that next time we get scared--either one of us--that we'll tell the other one? Let's not just disappear, okay? I mean, that's exactly the kind of thing we should help the other one look at, you know? Remember? This is a safe place to write anything and talk about anything. And tell me if I say something that bothers you--I want to know. I don't want to make you uncomfortable--I'd like our friendship to be something good for us both.
Okay. Please tell me more about your work and your other interests--I want to know!
Love,
Jared
Subj: Re: Re: Thank you! Date: 8/14/99 11:23 PM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Dear Jared,
This is SO cool! It really is almost like talking live, huh? I mean you wrote that note to me just 20 minutes ago!
I worked tonight, but it was early; and we don't have to travel tonight. The guys were going out, but I just wasn't in the mood. I was thinking too much about you and how I had treated you. I had to deal with that. I had to know if you'd forgive me. (Thanks again!) So I just came back to my room.
I'm also feeling pretty tired. Maybe in part from worrying. And I love to sleep! And that's what I'm going to do in a little while. After I finish writing to you.
I'm really lucky with my work. I get to sing and dance (WITH my clothes on!) and that's what I love more in life than anything else. It's a lot of hard work. I don't have much free time. I'm always moving around; a lot of times just one or two nights in a town before moving on. And as we've already discussed, it means I can't be honest and open about who I am sexually. Or who I want to be. But I love my work. And someday it will be different.
I guess it's like you and your writing. You do what you need to and have to for now so that you can write and you dream of the day you can have it all. That's how I am; I dream of the day that I can have my music and live openly as who I really am.
Maybe you'll help me get there? Talking to you has helped me think about a lot of things already. Maybe with more time with you being my friend, I'll get it clearer in my mind.
Wow, I'm really sleepy. I guess I was so relieved you forgave me that it let all the tension go and I'm just left sleepy! I better head to bed.
Thank you, Jared!
Love,
JC
Subj: Hi Date: 8/15/99 1:45 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Dear Scott,
That was great "talking" to you last night. It made me feel really close to you. In fact, it kind of kept me up much of the night thinking about it--and again today. I was kind of nervous about writing to you today--but here I am! You know you are revealing a lot more of yourself to me. Maybe more than you realize.
Do you keep copies of the notes you send to me? Does your system let you look back at them? Just wondered.
Remember, we promised that if we get scared, we'd still talk about it. You know? This is a safe place and we trust each other, right? Good. Just remember that.
I think I have a much better understanding of what you are going through with keeping being gay a secret than I did. It must be awful to know that what you love to do--both for a living and because you just really love it--would all be jeopardized if people knew that you liked guys. Like I said, in advertising it's different--some people think you NEED to be gay to be in this industry! It certainly doesn't hurt for the most part. Like old ladies that think only a gay man can do their hair or something! But if you are a popular singer, people still want to think you are singing about a girl and meaning it, huh?
How do you deal with the hectic schedule? That would get to me. I like travelling--like for a vacation; but would hate changing hotels every night or two and eating restaurant and hotel food all the time.
So Scott, you--the person I've gotten to know through our letters--has become important to me. Remember that! I want to be a friend to him. He's a good friend to me. I'm going to keep concentrating on him--cause I think he's you--and I'm just going to keep thinking that, ok?
Take care!
Jared
Subj: Re: Hi Date: 8/16/99 3:37 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hi Jared,
I don't know where to begin. You said I can be honest and that I can trust you, huh? I sure hope so.
Your letter really kind of threw me. It was like you knew something or thought you knew something. I couldn't figure out what had happened. But as I reread it, I saw the big hint you gave me, asking if I could look back at my old e-mails. Yeah, I can. And I went back about four and read them and reread them. Finally I was rereading the last one for like the tenth time, and I saw it.
Good eyes Jared! Really good eyes! Who knows, maybe I did it on purpose, without knowing it? Isn't that what some shrink would say? That I really wanted you to know who I am, but my fears wouldn't let me tell you directly? I really think it was just that I was so sleepy. And that I've come to think of you as my good friend. And that's how I sign my e-mails to all my good friends.
So, you spent most of your last note trying to make the point that it was all okay with you, I guess? That you still like the person you've gotten to know in the notes? I still had to think a long time tonight before knowing what to write to you. It's pretty late. But I had to think and had to answer you.
You said that the guy you got to know in the notes is a good friend. Well, believe me, the person in the notes is the real me. No matter what else you hear or read or see. I think I'm more real with you than with anyone else in my life. Now or ever. And not just about the gay thing. So I hope you won't start thinking differently about me.
It's pretty cool, actually. Now I don't have to talk to you only about some of my life. I can talk about all of it. If that's okay with you. Is it?
Are you really okay with this? I hope you aren't mad that I lied to you. I mean, I wouldn't like it if I found out you had lied to me. I mean, I'd feel like you weren't the person I had gotten to know. How do you feel? (You didn't sign your last note "love" you know?)
Okay, I'm going to get some sleep now. Maybe! I trust you Jared. And I love you. And I'm sorry about lying to you. I just hope you'll understand.
Love,
Wow! How do I sign this? Actually I was getting to really like Scott. It is my middle name, you know? I kind of like that you have a different name for me than everyone else. It's like the name for this new me; the open me; the honest me (well, now!).
Love,
Scott
Subj: I'm okay Date: 8/16/99 6:48 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Hi there,
Yeah, I'm okay, I think! Reading your note and seeing that YOU seem to be okay is making me more okay, I guess. Your note--in it's abstract way-- confirmed what I thought I knew. It's still going to take some time to really sink in though.
I guess it's also just weird because as much as I trust you, I really don't know you. I mean, you still could be some forty-year-old guy someplace messing with my brain, right? But I can't let myself think that way--I have to trust that I have really gotten to know a real person who is who he says he is (and who he HASN'T said he is!!!).
Okay, so I'll be the first to put it into words. You, my Scott, are really JC. Amazing. Perhaps too amazing. I don't know how I really feel about it. You asked about being more open and talking about all aspects of your life. Yeah, that's okay--but can we take that kind of slowly? I mean, you were interesting enough, complex enough, fun enough as just Scott--I don't need the JC stuff to like you or be interested in you. And I don't want to feel like overwhelmed or feel like I'm suddenly talking to some celebrity that I can't relate to. That's kind of scary to me. I mean if I really think about who you are and what your life is like, I'm going to feel kind of small and pretty insignificant. I liked it when I felt like we were just a couple of guys getting to know each other.
Anyway, let's just try and keep going, huh? I mean how weird would I be to NOT want to keep knowing you after finding out that you have this fabulous life--and also after finding out what you really look like! (Sorry, couldn't resist that one.) I just have to get comfortable with the idea.
So thanks for understanding. I am glad we're being honest.
Hey, I'm going to attach a picture of me--I mean, I know what you look like now, huh? So why not. We can better imagine the other one reading or writing.
Love (sorry for not saying that last time),
Jared
Subj: Re: I'm okay Date: 8/16/99 5:31 PM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hey there yourself!
Personally, I think you are better than okay! I think you are a great guy!
And speaking of better than okay, thanks for the picture! Wow! I mean I imagined that you were probably good looking, but wow! My good friend Jared is hot! I bet you CAN have any guy you want! (Are you blushing yet?)
I'm sorry this all seems like so much to take in. And it's unfair to you; I've known all along! But seriously, I really am the guy you've been writing to. Just I have this complex and busy and very public life when I'm not writing to you. That's part of why you are so important to me. With you, I can be me and can be away from all that hectic stuff. You are like my moment of peace each night. Or afternoon. I'm on dinner break right now, but just had to see if you had written to me. You sure were up early this morning!
I'll talk as little or as much about the rest of my life as you want. I guess I love the idea of being able to be open and honest with you finally. To tell you about my friends and stuff. Actually, you've never told me much about your friends or anything either, you know? We've been so into just this little world. Maybe we should start there, with YOU telling me more about you, if you want to and are comfortable doing so. I'd like to know more about your life. Okay?
Thanks for not giving up on me!
Love,
Scott
Subj: thanks Date: 8/16/99 9:34 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Hi again,
Thanks for the note. That was cool to sign on here tonight and find a note from you. I usually get to read something from you in the mornings. This was a nice surprise.
Yeah, I did blush about the picture. But thanks.
So the rest of my life, huh? Let's see. I spend a lot of time at work--oops, probably compared to your long days, I don't work much at all! But it seems like I'm there a lot. I have some good people I work with and some annoying ones-- guess it's like most offices. Most are just work friends--you know? We don't do things outside of the office, except maybe lunch sometimes. We talk about what's going on in our lives, but if one of us changed jobs, we probably wouldn't stay in touch much.
My best friend is Paul. He's a gay guy that I've known for a couple years. We met in a bar. He tried to pick me up--he had had a lot to drink. Anyway, we exchanged phone numbers, and he called me. We started hanging out together and are now best friends. We talk on the phone everyday and go to movies and dinner and stuff together. We're different in lots of ways, similar in lots of ways- -you know, how friends can be?
Let's see, I've never talked about my family either, I don't think. I have one brother--much older than me. He's married and has two kids. My parents are both dead. So family doesn't play a big role in my life. I think I'll save all that for another time.
Sorry--doesn't seem like I said much. But I guess it's a start, huh?
Jeez! I just realized that you first wrote to me about my story about YOU! How embarrassing! But wait--that means you read the stories about you guys on the web!!! That's so wild! I hadn't thought about that! That must be a trip! So what did you really think about my story? How'd I do on the other guys? This is so weird!!!
Okay--I'm signing off now. Gotta go to bed soon.
Night Scott!
Love,
Jared
Subj: Re: thanks Date: 8/17/99 1:36 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hi sweetie!
That was cool. Getting two notes from you in the same day.
So are you and Paul like together? Were you ever together? I'd like to hear about your family sometime if you want to tell me. I'm really sorry about your parents.
Yeah, I guess it is weird to read the stories about us. But it's really fun! But I can't tell the other guys about it. I wish I could; we'd have a great time laughing together about what they say. It was Chris who first showed me fanfic stories, but they were by little girls dreaming of marrying us. That got me wondering if there were any gay ones and that's how I found the Nifty archive. These tend to get more involved (especially some of them) than the ones the girls write. Maybe the guys are better writers?
It's fun to see how people imagine us though. I love to see who gets made the bad guy or the one that can't accept the gay one or whatever. Some of the things sometimes hit pretty close to reality. It's always easy to see what stuff they pick up from articles or websites or whatever. I've spent a lot of time wondering which ones would be closest to true if I told the guys that I'm gay.
Don't be embarrassed by your story. Actually it was because of the way you wrote me that I wrote to you in the first place. You're the only author I ever wrote to. I guess it was just weird reading about me in your story. First you made your main character so in love with me. That was really kind of cool, you know? The way you wrote me was pretty good, actually. What wasn't true about me was stuff I WISH was true about me. Like it was the kind of guy I'd like to be.
You didn't get into the physical descriptions too much either. That can be really funny! Wow, how do they think we'd be able to stuff something that large in our pants and still dance! (You know what I'm talking about, right?)
In your story you had Justin and me as good friends. That's true. We've known each other a long time and we are good friends. We don't spend as much time together as we used to, and because I can't be honest with him about some stuff, that's kind of driven us apart.
The guys in the group are close. We pretty much have to be since we spend so much time together. We joke together a lot and stuff. Spend free time together playing ball or whatever. We also give each other private time. We've just been through so much together that we really are (like it always says in the interviews) like brothers.
Whew. I'm tireder than I thought. I think I better go to bed while I'm still making some sense. And while I'm awake enough to turn off my computer! It was a long day! For some reason tonight's show was really tiring.
More to come! Tell me more about your life. I want to know. I don't even know what part of Orlando you live in. Are you in an apartment?
Night sweetie!
Love,
Scott
Subj: Re: Re: thanks Date: 8/17/99 10:21 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Hey sweetie yourself!
That's so cute! Your asking about Paul like you were jealous or something! J/K-- I mean, I know you'd never think about me that way. I'm just kidding with you.
No, Paul and I have never done it--there was just never that feeling for me; I mean he's a great guy and all; I love him as my friend; but not romantically or sexually. Afraid HE didn't agree with me. It sometimes causes problems. If he doesn't have a boyfriend or someone he's interested in, he always brings it up again--like why can't we be together, etc. I just don't want to do it with a friend, you know? I mean if it were a friend that I fell in love with, and we both felt it, then I'd want to take the chance. Otherwise, I don't want to be one of those guys whose slept with all of his friends. It's a little too personal for me. Does any of this make sense to you? Hope so.
More about my boring life, huh? Gee--that's tough! Work really does take up a lot of hours--even if I don't find it very interesting (nor very difficult). I work out at a gym about three times a week. Most of my evenings I spend writing or reading--sometimes watching TV (usually movies). I really enjoy writing, so I like to do it in my spare time. Just wish I could do it all day long. Paul and I usually get together a couple times a week--sometimes we go to a movie, sometimes out to eat, sometimes shopping, sometimes just hang out and watch videos--you know, just whatever.
Oh, I live in Winter Park. Do you know it? I really like it. The old brick streets and stuff. It's pretty. I have a small apartment downtown. I could have more space if I were out in a complex someplace, but I like that this is unique and is where I can walk to stores and cafes and stuff. It's real convenient to almost anywhere in Orlando.
Where do you live when you are here? What do you like to do when you are here?
That's really cool that I imagined you so well when I did the story. You said that you would like to be like the JC in my story. How are you different? You seem an awful lot like him to me--besides the looks--the sweetness, the caring, the sincerity.
So how do you think the guys would react if they knew that you are gay? That's too bad that you think the secret has put a wedge between you and Justin. What about the other guys? How do you think they'd react? Do they say anything? Does anyone tell homophobic jokes or anything? You think any of them are gay? You think any of them suspect about you? Is that a long enough list of questions???
I better get back to work. I look forward to your next note! By the way, where are you? I guess I could look on some website or something and find that out, huh? Gee, since I know one of you, I guess I should read those pages, huh!?!?
Talk to you later!
Jared
Subj: Re: Re: Re: thanks Date: 8/18/99 12:39 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Dear Jared,
I wasn't jealous. Not really, anyway. I just really want to know about you, you know? And how you think. And who's important to you and stuff. And why does it just have to be kidding? I mean, why do you say that you know I'd never think about you that way? Because you would never think about me that way?
Yeah, I do understand what you said about Paul. I guess I've waited this long to have sex with someone, I'd want it to be with someone who meant a lot to me. I don't think I could get into just meeting someone and doing it without even knowing them. Does that make me weird? Am I not interested enough in sex? I sure feel like I'm interested in sex! I sure do it by myself enough!
Your life doesn't sound boring! I really want to read some of your writing. Or some more of your writing. I just got to read that one story. What else do you have? Will you send me something? I really think that you feel about writing like I do about music. I love to spend time at the piano or in the studio or writing songs or whatever. I love the creative part.
What kind of movies do you like? What was the last movie you saw? What are your old favorites?
Shopping, huh? Like where? For clothes and stuff?
Yeah, I know Winter Park. I used to have a friend who lived there. Her family had a big house on a lake. They had a boat and we'd go water skiing a lot. It's great there. And that little street down town with the shops and the park and the train running right through there. How close are you to that part?
I still stay with Justin and his Mom when I'm in Orlando. Out in Wyndemere. You know that area? When we next have a lot of time off though, I'd really like to get a place of my own. The problem is that it would be hard to just have an apartment in a complex because of security. So I'd probably have to buy a house, which seems like a waste. I'd love to have enough room to have a music room or even a little studio in my house though. That would be so cool. And it would be nice to have a yard and a pool, I guess. Would love to go swimming at night. Without any clothes. Probably all by myself!
You'll just have to keep getting to know me and see how you think I'm like or unlike the JC in your story! I don't want to tell you the bad things about me!
The guys. You sure asked a lot of questions! Just kidding. I don't know how they'd respond if they knew I like guys. Maybe okay. Sometimes someone calls one of the others of us a fag when we mess up playing basketball or something. It's not really anything to do with being gay, it just means not good at the game or something. I think most of the gay comments have been taken out of our talk because of all the gay guys around us. You know? Like musicians, technicians, management, and all. And no one would want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Do I think any of them are gay? I've wondered. I haven't wondered about Joey! I'm pretty sure he's very, very straight! Chris has made me wonder sometimes; especially since he's older and really never been very serious about any girl. He's just serious about his dog! Lance would probably be too afraid of any gay feelings. He'd probably go through his whole life without ever doing anything about it even if he felt it. Justin? Gosh, that would be something! Sometimes, I guess I could imagine him being gay or at least being open to it. At least with someone he really cared about. I can't imagine him giving anyone a hard time about it. He's so easy going and open and loving. But gay himself? I don't know. Maybe bisexual. That would be like Justin to not discriminate against anyone!
Oh, where are we now? We just got into Phoenix. We have a show here tomorrow evening. The next night we have to be in California. Tomorrow night will be spent on the bus. You can probably get the schedule for this tour on the web, but don't believe everything you read on those websites if you go there!
"Talk to you later!" huh? Gosh, I used to get "Love."
Well, love from me anyway!
Scott
Subj: hey there Date: 8/18/99 8:14 AM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Dear Scott,
It's kind of confusing writing to Scott and thinking about JC. I know you said it was kind of cool that I called you something different from everyone else, but sometimes it's confusing to me. Or makes you less real or something. I'm just feeling confused this morning I guess--about who you are and what this is all about and stuff like that. I think I'm just thinking too much, what do you think?
Do you realize we've only been writing to each other about two weeks? Doesn't it seem longer? I feel like I've known you for a long time. I mean it seemed like I knew Scott for a while. Then I got to know Scott as JC. But it's been exactly two weeks. It was two weeks ago this morning that I got that first note from you. Wow--that's too amazing. Way too much way too fast.
The jealousy thing. I guess I thought you'd never think about me that way because I'm just me--you know? I'm not famous or anything. And I'm older than you. Would I ever think about you that way? THAT way meaning sexually or romantically? Are you kidding? I have to fight it all the time. I mean, remember I wrote that story. You think those feelings that the main character had weren't feelings I want to have about someone? Especially someone like you? But it would have to be someone real who could really be in my life. I can't do it just as fantasy.
Let's get to some easier stuff. Movies? I like lots of movies. I usually only go to the movies to see foreign films or independent films--you know the ones that don't play many places and not many people go to see? I try to see almost any gay film. I really like Almodavar films. You ever heard of him? He's a Spanish (Madrid) film director--and gay. His films are really outrageous, but really good. I see some of the big blockbusters at the theater, but most of them I see when they are on cable.
Shopping? I love Banana Republic and Abercrombie, places like that.
Sure I know where Wyndemere is. Glad you know and like Winter Park. Those lakes behind the homes are great. You never know most of them are there until you figure out that that's why the roads wind around so much! I live just off Park Avenue--the downtown street you described. Your ideas for a house sound great. I'd love to live in a house someday. How's living with Justin and his mom --is that okay?
From all your comments, it sounds like you shouldn't be so afraid of the other guys finding out. I mean you make them all sound really understanding and caring and far from being homophobic. And the fact that you could imagine some of them as being gay or bi, that should really make you comfortable, shouldn't it? I know it's still really difficult--I don't mean to make it sound like it's nothing. Especially since you are with them so much and it's your career and your whole life, really.
You seemed really taken with the idea that Justin might be gay or bi. You have a crush?
Well, enjoy Calif. I've been to LA a couple times--and SF. I enjoyed them. Where will you be? LA's sort of Calif's Orlando, right? (Or I guess that's the other way around--Orlando is our LA.)
Bye for now,
Jared
Subj: Re: hey there Date: 8/18/99 11:44 PM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Dear Jared,
Wow, that was a pretty deep note. I'm on a little early tonight. We got right on the bus after the show, so I'll use my cell phone to connect and send this when I'm finished. The other guys are in their bunks, and I'm going to sleep soon, but wanted to "talk" to you first.
I don't know what to say about what you said about jealousy and how we think of each other and stuff. Did you mean that you DO think of me romantically? That's pretty cool if you do. I mean, I don't know what it means or what it can mean because of my crazy life. I guess that's what you mean about if you cared for a guy it would have to be someone real. Not a fantasy. But don't I seem real to you?
It still makes me feel good, that you might think of me that way. And what do you mean about me? Just because a lot people know who I am I could only be interested in someone else that was well known? And I thought we already covered the age thing. You aren't that much older than me. It doesn't seem like you are older or act older or think older.
I know what you mean about it seeming like a lot more than two weeks. In some ways I feel like I've known you forever. I mean you know me better than anyone in some ways. I feel more honest with you. I can tell you things I won't tell anyone else. But I also realize that we really don't know each other in a lot of ways. Maybe it's my turn to get confused? What do you mean, too much too fast?
You know you can call me JC if you want, right? Or Josh. I like Josh too. I mean if it makes you feel less confused or whatever. I don't mind. It's just that no one else calls me Scott. But I see what you mean about it being kind of disconnected from the "other" me.
I don't know that film director you talked about. Sounds interesting. I'll have to look for a film by him. Are any on video?
Good taste in stores! I agree! How about J Crew?
Probably you're right about being open with the guys. It was interesting to have to write down how I felt and then to read your comments back. But you are right. Right now, it's my whole life. THEY are my whole life. Well, and my family. And you. It's all pretty scary.
Justin--I wasn't going to answer this one, but probably I should. For me as much as you. I don't THINK I have a crush on him. But I love him--he's my best friend. And I can see how adorable he is and all. But to do anything with him? Or be involved with him that way? I don't know. It sure would be nice to be open with him though--to feel honest with him again. Nice IF he accepted me.
You aren't getting jealous, are you??? (hee, hee)
So another note not signed "love." I guess I'll just have to accept that huh? I won't say anything else about it. Hope you don't mind how I sign my notes though.
Love,
Joshua Scott
Subj: are you okay? Date: 8/20/99 1:15 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Dear Jared,
Missed getting a note from you tonight. You've been spoiling me. I'm used to that message of light and friendship each night. I miss it. Not trying to make you feel guilty, just want you know that it means a lot to me.
Today was really crazy. And now we're in the bus on our way to San Francisco. I hate these days when we have a concert each day, and each one in a different city. It's hard.
So how was your day? Really busy? Is that why you didn't write? Hope you are okay and stuff. Wish I was there to check on you.
Okay, I guess that's it for now.
Love,
JC
Subj: hello? Date: 8/22/99 12:05 AM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Dear Jared,
So I'm kind of worried about you. It's never been this long a time that I haven't heard from you. Did you go away or something? You didn't mention begin gone. I hope you aren't sick. I mean, even if you weren't at work, you said you could sign on to get your e-mails at home on you laptop, right?
Course it may be that you are mad at me or something. Or just lost interest in talking to me. I guess I'd just have to accept that, right? And I can't even call you to ask you if everything is all right. Or to tell you how disappointed I am to not hear from you. I don't even know your last name. Guess it's none of my business, huh? Except that I thought we were friends. I thought I did mean something to you. Course you don't have a phone number for me either, do you? It's not fair to ask for yours if I'm not going to give you mine, huh?
If you are mad at me or are finished writing to me, would you just send me a short e-mail saying that? All you have to say is that you are fine and that you aren't going to write me any more. At least then I can stop worrying about you being okay.
Okay?
Love you,
JC
Subj: Re: hello? Date: 8/23/99 9:27 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Dear Josh,
That's the first time I've written that. I think I prefer that to Dear Scott. Scott seems too much like a made up person.
I apologize for being out of touch. I've been fine--well, at least physically. I guess the confusion I was feeling about our relationship or whatever it is just got to me. I needed some time away. I'm sorry, it was mean and unfair of me to do it without telling you that I was going to not write for a while. Not sure I knew I wasn't going to be writing. Everytime I sat down to write, I just couldn't do it. But when you took those days off, I came back about how we should promise to be open and honest, and here I was not very good at being either one.
I just got really worried. You see I had come to really depend on those notes from you. And that scared me. I mean, you aren't really real, are you? I mean, I can't go to dinner with you. I can't sit around and watch TV with you. I can't even talk to you on the phone--hear your voice (except on the radio!). And I can't hug you or kiss you. And yet, when I think of those things and wishing I had someone to do them with, it's always you that comes to mind. Both of you or all of you or whatever--Scott who I got to know in the e-mails AND JC who I listen to and watch on TV and stuff.
So I guess I just had to hide for a while--run away a little. Sorry, I guess it was mean of me.
You know what else? I haven't told anyone about you. I mean, of course I haven't told anyone about JC--not that anyone would believe me anyway. But I mean I haven't told anyone--even Paul--about having someone on line that I write to. He'd probably just think I was crazy. It is crazy, isn't it, Josh? I mean, this whole fantasy thing is really weird.
I guess I just want too much. I mean, all I want is reality. I just want someone real.
Love (yeah, I love you--just not sure that that's a GOOD thing!),
Jared
Subj: Re: Re: hello? Date: 8/23/99 11:31 PM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Dear Jared,
I don't know what to say. Well, first I know I want to say that it's a relief to just know that you are okay. Thanks for letting me know that. I was really worried about you.
Second, I really depend on you and your notes too. I mean, they are like this high point of my day. They are like this little bit of honesty in my life. Isn't that ironic? What to me is a bit of honesty to you is an unreal fantasy. Isn't that weird? I mean, I AM real, Jared. You certainly seem real to me. I wish I didn't seem so unreal to you.
Why don't we talk on the phone? Would that help? I think it would help me. I'd like to know what your voice sounds like. Will you call me? You can call my cell. It's 407-555-7843. It's even a local number for you since the phone is from Orlando. You can call anytime. If I don't have it on, you'll get my voice mail. Or call late at night, like after midnight.
Would that help? Would that keep me from losing you? Please?
Please don't desert me.
Love,
JC
Subj: hi Date: 8/24/99 7:45 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Dear JC,
Thanks for the note. And thanks for trusting me with your phone number. Don't worry, I won't give it to anyone. (How much do you think I could sell if for, though? J/K!) I also may not use it for a while. I think I have to work myself up to it. As much as I want this to be real, it could quickly become very, very real, huh? That's scary too.
Sorry, now I'm really starting to sound like a crazy person!
I'm trying not to desert you.
By the way, my phone number is listed here in Winter Park. My last name is Wright (get it? wrightr? rather than writer?). Jared Wright in Winter Park.
Love,
Jared
Jared: Hello.
JC: Jared?
Jared: Yes, who is this?
JC: Hey Jared! It's JC! [long pause] Jared? It's JC. Josh. You know, Scott?
Jared: [another pause] Um, hi.
JC: Hey! [laughing] You okay?
Jared: Um, yeah--just shocked. Is it really you?
JC: Yeah, silly! [laughing] It's me. It's great to talk to you, you know? I mean to finally hear your voice. It's a nice voice!
Jared: Thanks.
JC: So . . . how was work today?
Jared: [laughing] It was fine!
JC: What's so funny?
Jared: Just, it seems strange for you to ask that--I mean like we just talked last night.
JC: Well, we did sort of--you e-mailed me. That's like talking.
Jared: Yeah, I guess. Still seems strange. Where are you? What time is it there?
JC: Same time as there! I'm in Atlanta!
Jared: Oh. No concert tonight?
JC: Yeah--but not for an hour or so. We're on dinner break. I just told the guys I wanted to rest a while in the dressing room.
Jared: Ah, so you're resting!
JC: Yeah . . . this is resting! And it makes me feel good. So it's the perfect thing to do before a show!
Jared: Okay . . . if you say so!
JC: I do! Unless you're going to put me in a bad mood!
Jared: I won't--at least not on purpose! [pause] So this is so unreal!
JC: What? You told me how to get your phone number. You said that you didn't think that I was real. I wanted to make it more real. I mean I love writing to you and reading your notes, but I want you to think I'm real, so I thought this was good.
Jared: You sound so cute! This IS good! I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I just really am surprised! No fair--you knew you were going to call--I'm in shock! But I'm getting used to it! [laughing]
JC: [laughing too] Well, don't get too used to it--my break is almost over! [pause] So Jared, I like your voice. I like talking to you. This is very cool. Can I call you again?
Jared: Absolutely. Does this mean we aren't going to e-mail anymore?
JC: NO! I love reading your notes! Send me one tonight so I'll have something to read when I get back to the hotel. Then I won't have to go to bed lonely.
Jared: Hmmm . . . that would be a shame for you to have to go to bed lonely! [chuckles]
JC: Are you flirting with me, Jared? Or just kidding with me?
Jared: Which do you want it to be? [laughing]
JC: [laughing] Well . . . I like being kidded . . . but I also like the idea of you flirting with me.
Jared: Well, I might not be as good at it as you--I don't do it for a living.
JC: Very funny--I do more than just flirt for a living! There's a little more involved than that!
Jared: I'm sure you are very good at it! Actually I will get to see--Disney is showing some concert of you guys.
JC: Oh yeah--that thing should be okay. I haven't seen it finished, but they did a bunch of taping of us just talking and stuff. It might be okay.
Jared: Can't wait. I'll get to learn more about you! Did they ask about your girlfriends? Or what you like in a girl?
JC: Be nice. No, they talked to me about music. It should be okay.
Jared: Good. I get to see it later this week--if I happen to remember it's on . . .
JC: Yeah, yeah, right! You better watch it! [laughing]
Jared: [laughing] I will. Just giving you a hard time!
JC: I think you like to do that! But that's okay.
Jared: Yeah, well, I won't go where I could with that one!
JC: Good--I'm blushing already!
Jared: Good! [pause]
JC: Hey, I better go. They'll be needing me to get ready. [pause]
Jared: Okay . . .
JC: Hey, I thought you were uncomfortable--that you were so surprised by my call.
Jared: It's okay--I've gotten used to it! I like it.
JC: Good--then you won't mind if I call again, right?
Jared: Not at all.
JC: Or maybe you'll call me sometime.
Jared: Maybe.
JC: Why maybe?
Jared: Well, just that you are always busy. I wouldn't know when to call.
JC: Anytime. If I can't take the call, you can just leave me a voice mail--that would be nice to find when I turned the phone back on.
Jared: You are definitely flirting now, I think. And if you are, I'm definitely liking it.
JC: Good. [pause] Hey Jared? I really like talking to you. Can't wait until we talk again.
Jared: Me too. Hope it's soon.
JC: It wll be. [pause, then almost whispering] Okay, bye.
Jared: [whispering] Bye.
JC: [whispering] Bye.
Subj: wow Date: 8/25/99 6:33 PM EST From: wrightr To: sing4u
Dear JC,
Wow--that was so cool! I can't believe I talked to you on the phone. I guess you really are real, huh? You amaze me!
So I hope the concert went well. Does it ever get boring? Do you do the same stuff over and over?
I really will watch that concert on Disney--can't wait to see what you talk about. (And it better not be what you like in a girl!) (Sorry--I know if you have to you have to--I'll be quiet.)
So I have this new campaign at work. It's so strange! The client is a chain of stores that sells sex toys! Isn't that crazy? I mean, it's like a real company--and the stores are very respectable. They are fighting the idea that they are just a sex store. Somehow we're supposed to get the idea of "family" into this thing! Isn't that funny? (AND a challenge!) Everyone's been kidding about getting samples for a photo shoot. Almost always when samples come in, they don't get returned. But a lot of times they aren't things anyone wants. These might be fought over! (NO, not by me!)
Anyway, if I get anything, I'll keep it for you!
So how long in Atlanta? And then where?
I'm going to be scared to call you for a while, I think. Scared it might be at a bad time or something. So don't be hurt!
Are you still going to write to me? I love getting your notes too.
I really liked talking to you, Josh. It was very cool. Thanks. And you do seem much more real now. That's very cool too. And maybe just a little bit frustrating!
Okay--bye for now.
Love,
Jared
Jared: Hello.
JC: Jared?
Jared: Josh?
JC: Hey! Is this too late to call? Were you already asleep or anything?
Jared: No. I usually go to bed around midnight. I was just finishing up something I was writing. Just starting to get ready to go to bed. I sent you an e- mail tonight.
JC: Yeah I read it. So what do you mean about frustrating?
Jared: What did I say?
JC: You said that you liked talking to me--wait, let me see. "And you do seem much more real now. That's very cool too. And maybe just a little bit frustrating."
Jared: Don't make me sorry I wrote you! [small laugh] Just that if you are more real, then I want you to be totally real. Totally in my life, I guess. [pause] Sorry, did I say something wrong?
JC: So Jared, how do you think of me? I mean, am I just one of your friends or what?
Jared: Oh yeah, just one of my friends--you know, you, Brian Littrell, Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias--just one of my friends.
JC: [laughing] Stop! You know what I mean. Hey, that list was a little heavy on the Latin guys, wasn't it?
Jared: Oops--one of my secrets is out!
JC: So that's who you'd want to be involved with? A hot Latin guy?
Jared: I'd want to be involved with someone I found attractive--both in mind and in body. Someone I could talk to. Someone who made me feel good. I don't know--someone I loved or could see myself loving.
JC: Oh. So am I just one of your friends?
Jared: Josh, if you mean are you like my friend Paul or some other person in my life, no, you aren't like them. But that's for lots of reasons. I mean, look how we've gotten to know each other. And then look at who you are. How could you just be another one of my friends?
JC: But besides that stuff, how do you see me?
Jared: Josh, what's this about? Are you talking about romance versus friendship?
JC: Yeah, I guess I am.
Jared: I'm not sure I'm ready to answer that. Can you answer the same question?
JC: I know how I feel part of the time. But you know I'm not very experienced in this stuff.
Jared: Well, even though I'm older than you, I don't know that I'm all that experienced either. What I do know is that this isn't something that can happen just through e-mail and a couple phone calls. I think that each of us has to decide if we want to explore the possibilities of something other than a friendship, and if both of us do, then we have to find time and ways other than this to see if there's anything. I mean, I can get all analytical about this--as I am now--but what I know is that I'm already worried about how much I think about you and how much I care about you--it really scares me because I'm probably setting myself up to really be hurt. I mean, phone is more real than e-mail--but it's not the same as spending time together. If I keep going like this and getting all hung up on you, but never see you, it's like crazy. And in the meantime, I won't go out and meet anybody else, because I'm thinking about you--that's just the way I am.
JC: Whew! That was a long answer! Sorry, just kidding you. I'm glad you said all that. And I think what you said was that you might be interested in being more than friends with me, but that you aren't willing to go there just by phone or e-mail. Right?
Jared: Right. And you avoided answering the question altogether!
JC: Well, would I have brought it up if I didn't want something more?
Jared: I guess not. You know the other reason I worry?
JC: Because you worry too much?
Jared: Very funny. Maybe I do, maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I try to protect myself.
JC: Lotta maybes! [laughing]
Jared: Josh, if I find that I think you are as special in person as you are by phone and e-mail, I'm afraid I'll fall really quickly and really hard. It's just the way I am. I mean, we'd have to see if we got along in person--I mean, who knows if we could take a half hour straight of each other without getting on each other's nerves. We have to have some things in common and stuff. But anyway, even if all that's great, you've never been involved with anyone before. That really scares me.
JC: Because your boyfriend from college left you to see what other guys were like?
Jared: Good memory. But yeah, I mean it's healthy to want to explore and meet different people and stuff.
JC: Yeah, but if I were to fall in love, I don't think I'd be running off to see what someone else was like. I mean, I've been alone this long; I don't know why I'd want to make a change.
Jared: Well, that's probably way down the road. Who knows if or when we'll even meet.
JC: I know. I mean I know when we'll meet.
Jared: WHAT? What are you talking about?
JC: Sorry. I mean I know when we COULD meet--if you wanted to.
Jared: Oh. Wow. So you been thinking about this, huh?
JC: Of course I have. Haven't you?
Jared: Yeah. Or fantasizing about it, I guess. I guess I've thought it was mostly up to you. So what's the big date?
JC: Well the end of the tour has been changed. It's now ending September 4 in Canada. I'm not sure if we're going right to New York for the MTV awards or if we'll get a couple days off. Either way, we'll be free for a while after September 10. I think all the guys are going to kind of go their own way for a week or so. I'm not sure if I just want to stay in Orlando or get away--except that I'd only want to get away if a certain new friend of mine wanted to get away too.
Jared: Whoa! That's a lot--going away--I mean we haven't even looked each other in the eye yet!
JC: Yeah, I know. But if I'm staying in Orlando, I'm going to stay at a hotel or something so that I'm not with Justin and his mom--so I have some privacy.
Jared: So we could actually be seeing each other in just two weeks?
JC: Yeah! If you want to!
Jared: Yeah--I want to! I really want to!
JC: Good.
Jared: Listen, I'd love to talk to you all night, but I'm so sleepy and I have to work in the morning and you've given me a lot to think about--especially the idea of actually meeting you.
JC: You just want to get to work to write about sex toys!
Jared: That's right! Hardly! But I am really tired. Aren't you?
JC: Yeah, but I'm always on like an adrenaline high after a show. [quietly] And when I talk to you.
Jared: You're sweet--or just flirting again!
JC: [quietly] The first one.
Jared: [also quietly] Good.
JC: Talk to you soon.
Jared: Yeah.
JC: Glad we talked about these things.
Jared: Yeah, me too.
JC: [whispering] Bye.
Jared: [whispering too] Bye.
Subj: hi Date: 8/26/99 1:23 PM EST From: sing4u To: wrightr
Hi Jared,
That was very cool talking to you. I enjoy hearing your voice. I also like exchanging our thoughts and stuff without having to wait to get an e-mail back.
You know that you are really important to me, right? That's why I really do want us to meet. I think it will be wonderful. I do know what you mean about it's also scary and who knows if we'll get along. But I really do think it will be great!
So the MTV awards are on a Thursday night. I'm sure we'll be in New York that Friday. I don't know if we'll fly out on Friday or Saturday. But we could make plans for that Sunday. Sunday, September 12, 1999! What do you say Jared? I'm asking you out for that Sunday. Will you go out with me? Will you meet me face to face? I hope so!
What will we do? Going out is a little difficult for me. But a lot of restaurants are cool. They'd give us a private or secluded table. I just want to spend time with you. To be able to look into your eyes as we talk. And talk. And talk!
I guess that's all I want to say right now.
Talk to you soon, Jare!
Love,
Josh