hello yawl. Thanks again for the encouraging emails and support. Once again I would like to repeat myself to say that I made this up and it never happened. (Actually, I kinda hope it never does. Poor Justin..)
~*~
I woke up early the next day. Brian was already awake. He was just lying against me, letting me hold him.
"Good morning Brian." I said.
"You 'wake Justin?"
"Yep, now I am. How ya doing?"
He shrugged and sighed. "I'm okay."
We were quiet for a moment. "You know Brian," I said. "I really do enjoy holding you."
"Have you ever cuddled with a guy before?"
"Nope. Haven't been with someone. And the guys wouldn't let me anyhows."
He sighed. "Yeah, it's nice. I've always loved it."
"How old were you when you realized you were gay?"
"Well, in a sense, in the back of my mind, I always knew. But I became especially aware of it when I was around 14. Since then I knew full well, and wouldn't deny it."
"Did you just tell everyone when you were 14?"
"No, not really. I told Kevin. He was the first to know besides me. I told him before my immediate family cause I wasn't entirely sure what their reaction would be."
"When did you tell them?"
"When I was 18. Just in case they kicked me out, I'd be able to (legally) get a place of my own to live and a job. But they weren't mad. They said 'praise the lord, he's finally told us what we always knew.' And I was like...huh? And my mom said 'it's kind of easy to tell when your son is either homosexual or bisexual when we go to dinner and he looks at the maitre'd and not the waitress.' And I'm like 'oh. Was I that obvious?' and my dad goes 'no, we were just observant'."
"Did they know when you were seeing Nick?"
"Yeah. After we first started seeing each other, I took him up to Kentucky to tell my parents so they could meet him as my significant other. They'd already met him as my friend. He told me later he was utterly shocked that they weren't mean to him. They treated him like another son, and my brother treated him like another brother."
"When did Nick realize he was gay?"
"He was bi until we started going together."
"Oh. Well, when did he realize he liked guys?"
"When he was twelve. Right before we met. But he used to say all the time that he really realized it when he looked into my eyes..." Brian sighed.
"Has he told his parents?"
"Yeah, he did when he was 17. He told them and his sisters and brother."
"What'd they say?"
"Well, he told them he was bisexual. He said he wanted to soften the blow, and they might not hate him too much if they thought he still liked girls. But he told them, and they didn't like it one bit. They kicked him out and disowned him. Except for Aaron, his little brother. I think he's um...fourteen now. His family legally disowned Nick, but let me tell you, I had no idea you could do that legally until him. But Aaron refused to sign the paper. His parents were so mad, but Aaron wouldn't do it. Nick was there, and he was so miserable and sad, a 17 year old kid on his own. Aaron said he loved Nick, he was his brother, and his sexuality didn't matter. Aaron ran to him and hugged him and Nick hugged him and he was already crying cause of his parents, but he started crying more and told Aaron he loved him and thanked him. Aaron said 'you're my brother and I love you and you don't need to thank me.' Then his parents pulled him away."
"You remember things real well." I remarked.
"All that stuff is important to me." He replied.
"Oh. Was Nick okay?"
"Sure, he got over it. It still hurts him, but he's over it. When we were going out, he liked to call my family his own. When'd we'd go to Kentucky, he would call my mother mom, and my father dad. He called my brother just Harold, but treated him like an older brother."
"Oh. Hey, how old were you when you got your first kiss from a guy?"
"Sixteen."
"Who was it?"
"Someone I knew."
"What was his name?"
"Jason."
"Did anyone else know?"
"No. Just me and him."
"Was all the farther you went was kissing?"
"Yup."
"How would you rate the scale?"
"First is holding hands. Then kissing, the cuddling, then making out, then touching, then nakey, then oral sex, then intercourse. And that's 'all the way'."
"Yeah, that's how I would rate it too." I nodded.
"So you've never even kissed another guy?"
"Just Nick. But I wasn't really kissing him back."
"Oh. Why not?"
"Cause I don't love him."
"Oh. Hey, when did you realize you were gay?"
"When I was 16. When I realized I-swear on everything that you won't tell ANYONE Brian-that I had a little bitty crush on JC."
"You do?!"
"I did." I corrected. "In 1997, when I was 16, I realized I was thinking constantly of him, wanting to hug him, wanting hugs from him. My daydreams wondered what it would be like for him to kiss me, like on a dare so he wouldn't be all 'yuk' or what-not. I realized I loved him. But I wouldn't...I dunno...i wouldn't ever try anything with him cause he doesn't fly that way. I wouldn't ever do anything at all unless he said I could, which isn't going to happen."
"Do you still Like him?"
I shrugged. "Not really. I just love him as a friend. That's why it hurts so much that he hits me, especially when I don't do anything to deserve it. Cause I love him, and it's hopeless. I used to always think that if anyone would help me and realize I'm not bad and stick up for me, it would be JC. But then he hit me so I lost the hope. That hurt me more than his fists."
"I'd imagine." He said. He sat up. "Well, how about some breakfast, eh?"
"Okay." I said. He stood up and stretched. I stood up, stretched, and scratched my stomach, and followed him into the kitchen. "How about some French toast?" he asked.
"Sure." I sat down. I set the table while he cooked. The phone rang. "Want me to get that?" I asked, reaching for it. Brian nodded. "Hello, Brian Littrell's residence." I said.
"Justin, don't hang up."
"JC?"
"Yeah. Please don't hang up."
I paused. "Brian, it's JC."
"Hang up."
"He asked me not to."
"So find out what the hell he wants."
"What do you want?" I said into the receiver.
"I...why did you lock your room up? Why'd you leave?"
"First, cause I felt like it. Second, because (a) I felt like it, and (b) I wanted to see him and already said I would. Why?"
"Well...I just...I just wanted to tell you..."
"What?" I said gently after a moment.
He took a deep breath. "Lance doesn't know I'm calling you. None of them do."
"Is that what you wanted to tell me?"
"No." he sounded like he wanted to say more.
"Then what?"
"I...I..."
"Just say it."
"I...can't. I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but I just can't. I can never bring myself to say it to you."
"So just spit it out. You'll only have to say it once."
"Okay. I'm...I'm sorry, Justin." He said, and I heard the familiar click that indicated he'd hung up. I took the receiver away from my head and held it in my hands and just looked at it.
Brian put three French toast on my plate. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'I'm sorry Justin'. Then he hung up." I said slowly and softly in a daze, as I slowly put the receiver back.
"Sorry about what?" he asked, cracking some more eggs.
"I...don't know. He didn't say. Maybe hitting me. Cause earlier he said he felt bad when he saw me cry, and he told Lance he 'kinda sorta' wanted them to stop hitting me."
"Or maybe he's sorry he couldn't tell you what he really wanted to."
"Touché." I nodded.
Brian served himself and sat down. "Eat." He said. "You haven't taken a bite yet."
I shook my head. "Maybe I'm just dazed. A lot happened in the last two days I need to think about."
He nodded. "Yeah."
We were quiet a moment, then Brian suddenly asked, "Have you ever been in love?"
I didn't say anything for a minute, then sighed. "I don't know." I said. "What does it feel like?"
He paused. "You want to be with a person. He's all over your mind. You can't stop thinking about him. When you're with him or around him you're really happy, and when you're not, you're sad. You wonder what he'd think about things you encounter. You want to hug him and be close to him. You feel funny in your heart. If you think you have a chance, your heart is anxious, but happy. If you think you don't, your heart is anxious and achy."
I thought about that. "I think I am."
"Now?"
"Yeah."
"With who?"
"I'd rather not say until I'm sure I love him."
"Oh come on Justin. You can trust me."
"I'd really-"
"If I guess will you tell me?"
I sighed. "Maybe later, okay?"
"Sure." He picked up our dishes and put them in the dishwasher. "What do you want to do now?"
"Just talk. Let's go in the living room."
"Okay." He led and I followed. We sat down, he in the cuddle chair and me sprawled across the couch. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked.
I thought a minute. "Sex."
"Okay."
"Can I ask you how big you are?"
"Go for it."
"How big?"
"I don't know exactly."
"What! How can you not know?"
He shrugged. "Nick knows. One time we both took a tape measurer to each other. I know his length and he knows mine. We didn't tell each other the measurements."
"Oh. How big's his?"
"Seven and 1/2."
"Cool. Hey, you got a tape measurer?"
"Yeah, with some other junk in a drawer."
"Go measure yourself."
He looked at me funny. "Why?"
"Cause I wanta know how big you are."
He held his fingers apart. "This big."
"So what's that, about six, seven inches?"
"Somewhere around there."
"Go measure it."
He sighed, and when to a hallway, where I could see him, and rifled through a drawer. He came up with a tape measurer. He looked at me.
"Should I do this in the bathroom or do you not care if I do it right here?"
"I really don't care." I said, trying to sound disinterested, when in reality I was really interested...
He shrugged, the paused. "Hey, did you know it can become up to 2 inches longer when fully erected?"
"I do now."
"So should I have a stiffy to do this?"
"I guess so."
"So how am I supposed to do that?"
"I dunno...do you have a magazine or something?"
"Nope."
"Gay porn movie?"
"No."
"Well, try to get a mental picture of something that would excite you."
"That would be Nick naked. And that would make me sad."
I rolled my eyes. "So touch yourself."
He whined. "I don't want to do that."
"Well for crying out loud Brian. What do you want me to do about it?"
He just looked at me. "Would...would you?"
"Touch you?"
He swallowed, then nodded.
"Oh..."
"I'll do it for you." He offered. "You can measure. That is, if you don't already know."
"Seven."
"With an erection?"
"Oh. No."
"So..." He looked at me.
I sighed. "Okay."
He grinned. "Okay. Um...pull your pants down."
"You first."
He unzipped and unbuttoned his jeans, and pulled them down, along with his boxers. He looked at me.
I sighed shakily. I undid my belt, and with shaking hands, unbuttoned my jeans. I pulled them down to my ankles, and took a deep breath. I looked at Brian helplessly. He walked over and began caressing me, over my boxers. I got hard immediately and groaned. My legs shuddered. He put an arm around my neck and kissed me on the lips. I returned the kiss eagerly, reaching for him.
I started rubbing my hands on his naked manhood, and he took in a breath. He pulled my boxers down, and put his hands on me. Oh...my...GOD! that felt good! (Being a guy, of course I've jerked a little before, but this was so much better!) I was really hard now, and could feel he was getting there. I started moving my hand up and down his length, jacking him off. He started jerking me while tonguing me. This was just heaven. I just could not believe it, how good this felt. Brian broke away, and pushed me back, so I was laying on the couch. He climbed up on top of me, and we pressed together. He was still touching me with his hand, and was moving back and forth on me, grinding me. I cried out in pleasure and ecstasy and wrapped my legs around him, pulling him on me closer and harder. He continued kissing me, and moved down to my asshole. I just lay back and closed my eyes, waiting for what I assumed would follow.
He stopped. I could feel him pause, and I opened my eyes to look at him.
He was looking at me with a half shocked half horrified expression on his face. "What's wrong?" I said.
"Oh...god, what was I doing!" he cried, and leapt off me. He pulled his pants up quickly. I sat up on the couch and looked at him. He looked at me. "I am so, so sorry Justin." He said. "I didn't mean that, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I can't do that. I can't take your innocence, especially like that. I'm so sorry, really. You're just a kid, what am I doing? Justin I didn't mean that, please forgive me." He said miserably.
I just looked at him. "You don't have to be sorry." I said. "I liked it."
"Of course you did, you've never done it before, and you got all those hormones."
"Actually Brian, I was kinda hoping you were going to make love to me."
"I was, but then my conscience knocked some sense into my head, and I realized it's wrong. Please get dressed, it's not going to happen."
"But I still have a stiffy." I protested.
He looked at me. "Yes, you do." He replied. "But we can't do that. We can't have sex. We're not married, not going out, not in love. It's just too wrong."
I sulkily and reluctantly pulled my pants back up. (Although that small scene had reinforced a small idea I had I realized earlier that had been gnawing at the back of my head.) I dressed and sat upright on the couch. He practically collapsed in the cuddle chair.
"Brian, I have something to tell you..." I said suddenly.
"Wait. Before you do, let's make a deal. None of us will ever mention that almost-scene to anyone, even ourselves or each other, ever again. It never happened. Swear on everything, okay?"
"Uh, okay."
"Okay then." He looked relieved. "Now you can tell me what you wanted to."
"Okay. I'm...I'm in love with you, Brian."
"You're WHAT?!" he looked shocked.
"I'm in love with you."
He looked at me in disbelief. "You...you love me?"
"Yep."
"Wh...wha...why?" he stammered.
I shrugged. "Because you're so nice to me. You've been such a good friend to me. You're so nice, you're really sweet, and cute...you're eyes take me away, Brian. I just...I just love you."
"What makes you sure?" he whispered, his eyes wide. He looked aghast.
"I think about you all the time. The first night I was here and you gave me a backrub, I went to sleep feeling your hands on me. When Nick kissed me, all I could see was your face. I think about you whenever I'm not around you. All those things you said earlier about how it feels to be in love is how I feel about you B-Rok. I just love you. I want to be with you, I enjoyed holding and cuddling you to an unusually high level and I want to kiss you. I loved that almost-scene more than anything I'd ever felt before, Brian. I love you and I want to be with you. I want you to hold me and promise me love and that no one will ever hit me or hurt me ever again. I don't know why or where or from when, but I love you." I said.
He just looked at me. "It's...it's just your feelings and hormones going out of control from that scene, Justin. You don't love me, it's all in your head."
I shook my head. "Nope. It's all in my heart."
He sat back, dumbfounded. "Seven 1/2."
"7 1/2 what?"
"Inches."
"Huh?" I said. "Uh, question mark."
"Me. 7 1/2 inches."
"Oh." I grinned. "Oh like that matters anyway, you felt so good."
"NO you can't love me." He said.
"Why not?" I said, hurt.
"Because you can't. look Justin, it's nothing against you personally. I can't be with anyone now, I'm still in love with and love Nick. I'm not over him. And I barely know you."
"You were just about to have sex with me."
"What if I had?" he looked at me funny.
I shrugged. "I'd love you more."
He was shaking his head. "Justin, we can't be."
I sighed. "Please Brian, just give me a chance. I love you, what's so wrong with that? I'll be good for you, really. I'd do anything you wanted. Sexual or otherwise. And if you thought it was too soon to do sexual things, I'd wait."
He shook his head. "No."
I felt like I was going to cry soon. "Please Brian, just a chance. A two week trial period. And if you still don't Like me you can break it off no questions asked."
He sighed. "Please don't cry Justin. It's hard for me too. Sure I'd like to be with you-I'd love to soothe your pain and heartache away and I'd love you to do so for me. But we can't be. I know what I'm talking about, trust me."
I sat back, heartbroken. I just looked at him, and he came over and sat by me. He put his arms around me and held me and I cuddled up to him. We stayed like that for hours, and occasional kiss taking place.
~*~
Waiting for a response, people!!
===== you have just recieved mail from aj. consider yourself lucky!
Stop saying why. Start saying why not?
How can anyone govern a nation with 246 kinds of cheese?