Sleepy Days, Come No More
Chapter 38
The remainder of the week went pretty fast. I was busy with work and school. I had spoken with Blake but we were never able to set a time to meet and talk, mostly due to my schedule. I had not spoken to or seen anyone outside of coworkers and classmates; it even seemed that Michael and I were seeing less and less of each other. When I left in the morning he was still asleep, when he came home I was already in bed and so on.
Vanessa was out of town so we didn't meet for lunch that week and I hadn't spoke to Marie since our discussion on Tuesday. I had been trying to catch up with Sean but he was always busy or I would get the voicemail, so I spent the little free time I had watching television and doing crossword puzzles.
Saturday night I was finally able to catch up with Sean. Liam had mentioned that there was going to be a get together at a sports bar. He said that I was welcome to come, though I really had no intention of attending, but when I couldn't get a hold of Sean all week I decided to go.
It was pretty full. There were a lot of guys there drinking and talking, some were even arguing about the various sports that were being shown on several different large screen televisions all around the bar. I saw Liam and Dylan with a group of other guys, some I recognized toward the back of the bar. They were watching a baseball game; I think the Yankees were playing.
I walked over and greeted the group. I looked around but did not see Sean. I sat down and watched the guys as they watched the game intently. It was strange, the atmosphere was very loud and busy, yet the there was little action going on in the actual game. There were no homeruns or dramatic outs, it was all very action free, but the guys seemed to be having more fun arguing about which team would when, who was the better player, and an intense dialogue about the Red Sox and the Yankees.
This went on for an hour and a half and the score remained unchanged. However, I did notice that Sean had arrived. He was talking to some people at the bar. I waited for about fifteen minutes, thinking that he would soon join us, but he did not come and I grew inpatient so I decided to go over to him.
As I approached I heard him flirting with a couple of guys, one of which was Sammy, the hedonist that Sean had introduced to me a few weeks back. I stepped behind Sean and poked him lightly in his back. He turned around to see who I was.
"Hello stranger." I said with a smile.
"Steven. What are you doing here?" Sean asked in surprise.
"Well, at dinner, Liam mentioned that he was having a little gathering here, so I thought I would come and check things out." I replied.
"Steve, you remember Sammy?" Sean asked.
"Of course, how are you Sammy?" I asked.
"Shitty! I just lost 100 bucks." Sammy exclaimed.
"I am sorry to hear that." I said.
"This is Brian; I think you may have met him before." Sean said.
"Hello Brian." I said.
"So, Steve, have you given any further thought to having a little group sex . . . . . . letting go of the inhibitions?" Sammy asked with a smirk.
"Wow! From hello to orgy, nothing in between." I said.
"I told you before, I don't like bullshitting. When I saw you walking over here, that is what came to mind." Sammy said bluntly.
"You are in to group sex?" Brian asked.
"It seems that Sammy wants to have sex with everyone he meets." I said with smile.
"I think I hit a nerve, I think that you wanted to have a threesome that night with me and Sean, it's not too late, hell maybe Brian will come and we can have a four way." Sammy said flatly.
"Perhaps I do want to have a threesome or perhaps I have. Maybe I just did not want to have one with you." I countered.
Brian and Sean laughed.
"I hate to break up your good time, but may I speak to you Sean, privately?" I asked.
"I better be going myself." Brian said.
"Already?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, I have an early morning tomorrow, but I will catch you two at the party next week. Nice to meet you man." Brain said as he left.
"Sammy, I'll catch you later." Sean said.
"Yeah later. Maybe later for you too Steven." Sammy said.
"If I'm lucky." I replied.
Sean and I went outside to the parking lot.
"What's up?" Sean asked.
"What's up?" I replied.
"What are you doing here?" Sean asked.
"You know that I love my sports." I said with a smile.
"You hate sports, aside from tennis." He countered.
"I came because I thought that you might be here. It seems that you have been avoiding me." I informed.
"Avoiding you?" He asked.
"Well, we usually spend a couple of nights together and have a few playful phone calls in the course of a week, but you have had other plans all week, when you even answer your phone." I explained.
"I have been busy." He said.
"Is that all?" I asked with doubt.
"Yeah, that's all. Just been busy." He said.
"Do you have plans tonight?" I asked.
"No." He said.
"Well, let's go back to your place so we can make up for lost time." I said flirtatiously.
"I should go in and speak to everyone before I leave." He said.
"Alright, then we'll go back to your place?" I asked.
"Sure." He replied.
We went back inside. Sean spoke to his friends and we watched the end of the game. Then we headed over to Sean's place. He was unusually quiet during the drive and that didn't change when we arrived at his place. It was late and we both were tired, so we completed a little hygiene and got into bed.
He was a little standoffish, which led me to initiate the activity. Once we got started he was more enthusiastic. I usually enjoyed having intercourse with Sean, but that night it was different. It was slower and gentler. I even found him looking at me more and there was more kissing.
After we were both finished, we cleaned up and just laid there in silence.
"What's wrong Sean?" I asked.
"Why do you keep asking me that?" He countered.
"Because you are not acting like yourself. You haven't smiled or made any smart ass comments. You are just acting strange. Why?" I asked.
"Everything is fine." He said.
"No something is different, even the sex was different." I said.
"You didn't like it?" He asked.
"It was very nice, I liked it, but it wasn't your usual style." I observed.
"Well, you've to change it up sometimes." He said with a slight smile.
"Finally." I exclaimed.
"What?" He inquired.
"I saw a dimple." I informed.
He smiled broadly and blushed a little, "You talk more than any other guy I'm with." He said softly.
"I am sorry for having a brain, it causes me to make those kind of obnoxious mistakes from time to time." I said sarcastically.
"You can be such an ass." He retorted.
"Sean, be honest with me, what's wrong? You have been acting different since the last night we spent together." I pressed.
"This is why I make all the others leave." He said with a chuckle.
"Come, stop side talking me. Tell me the truth." I insisted.
He thought for a moment, "I don't know, I guess the last night we spent together was . . . . . . . . . well, it just," He paused. "You scared me man. Seeing you tussling around with the sheets mumbling things and even fighting me a little when I tried to wake you . . . . . . it just freaked me out a little bit." He confessed.
"I thought that might be the reason. You don't have to be concerned about it; it doesn't usually happen that often." I assured.
"It has happened a couple of other times, but never to that extent." He said.
"Why didn't you say something? What did you do the other times?" I inquired.
"Like I said, it has never been as bad as the last time. The other times it just lasted for like a minute, then you would stop, I would just watch to see if you were okay and then go back to sleep. But the last time you were wilder and louder and you weren't stopping." He explained.
"It is okay, it was just a bad dream. No big deal." I said.
"I just didn't like how I felt, watching you . . . . . . . I was worried about you. I don't like feeling worried. I don't like it." He confessed.
"That is normal. People worry about each other, that is human nature." I said.
"I know but that is why I don't do relationships." He said.
"Is that why you have been avoiding me, you think we are getting too close or you think that this is becoming a relationship?" I asked with a perplexed smile.
"I don't know, I just thought that this was going to be straight forward. I mean I liked you from the first time I met you. You were cute, I wanted to fuck you. Then when I found out that you were with rich boy, I wanted you more, just to kind of stick it to him." He smiled slightly. "I know that sounds like an asshole move but you knew that I was an asshole when we started hooking up. And pissing him off was just a bonus. The more I hung out with you the more I liked you. You are a smart ass and you think you're pretty tough, that was hot." He smiled and took a breath.
"I knew that you only hooked up with me because you were on the rebound, which was a plus for me. That meant it was just going to be a physical thing and we could have some fun but nothing serious. But the fact that you treated me like the trick intrigued me. I mean you would have sex with me and then just leave. No one ever pulled that kind of shit with me before, I usually did that." He said with a laugh.
"I just feel so comfortable with you. We sleep in the same bed and sometimes when you sleep, I watch you. Sometimes I even want to hold you. That is just not my style. I am not ready to be that involved with anybody. At first I thought that since you were so in to Blake, that neither of us would get hurt. Now it just seems that I am the one who's starting to have feelings for you." He confessed.
"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked with a smile.
"We aren't a couple. I am not breaking up with you. I just don't know if I want to keep going in this direction." He admitted.
"So you like me too much to continue? That is a nice twist." I said with a laugh.
"It is the truth." He said.
"I understand. You know, like you said, I hooked up with you because I was upset about Blake and I just wanted the distraction. I wanted to be wanted. Maybe I even wanted to get back at him." I confessed. "I knew that this was not really something that I should be doing, I can't have sex with someone and not start to have some feelings." I said.
"Sometimes I watch you sleep too and I want to cuddle with you. I even feel a little sad when I see you with other guys." I chuckled. "I know that that is lame, but it is true. That is why I couldn't go through with the threesome, it wasn't just about being with another guy, but it was having to see you with him. It just turned me all the way off." I divulged.
He smiled, "When you mentioned having a threesome I was pretty excited. I thought that if you were having sex with other guys that it would lessen my feelings for you, then it could be like any other sexual encounter but I was glad that you didn't go through with it. It really isn't you." He said.
"Is it really you?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I mean, you sleeping with all these guys. Obliviously you are capable of having feelings for someone; you said that you had a serious relationship before. How long do you plan to be a playboy?" I inquired.
"Forever!" He exclaimed with a smile.
"Seriously, I mean don't you ever get tired of a different guy every night. Don't you want to have someone who will be there?" I asked.
"That just doesn't work out. You and rich boy seemed pretty in love and look at how that worked out. I just want to have fun and be free, I don't want the complications. Like having my ex jump over a table and attack my cousin." He said with a laugh.
"You are such a prick." I retorted.
"A big one." He countered.
"Blake and I didn't work out but I am glad that we were together, it was nice having someone to love and who loved me. It doesn't always end badly, look at Liam and Dylan, you yourself said that they are genuinely in love. That doesn't make you want to settle down, not even a little?" I inquired.
"Look, I don't know if I am ever going to settle down, I am too selfish. I am an ass, I own that. But you on the other hand are the type to settle down, you are still hung up on Blake, if you still want him maybe you should give it another try." He advised.
"You are encouraging me to reconcile with `rich boy'" I asked.
"No, I think he is a jerk. I am just saying go for what you want and if that is rich boy, then go for it." He clarified.
We continued to talk until the early hours of the morning. He even told me about his ex-boyfriend. Apparently, they were very much in love and had even got a studio apartment together. They lived together for six months and then one day his partner told him that he couldn't continue with a gay life style, that he couldn't be separated from his family. So, he left Sean and returned home.
Sean said that the guy was married with three children now. He tried to appear nonchalant when he discussed it but it was clear that it still hurt him. We talked about some childhood troubles and some adulthood triumphs. We laughed and joked around and eventually fell asleep.
I woke up first. I climbed out the bed, went to the bathroom, and quickly got dressed. I walked over to Sean's side of the bed and kissed him on the forehead. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. We looked at one another for a moment and then I headed home. I spent the day doing chores with Michael, studying and just lounging around.
The next day it was back to business, work and school. Nothing of particular significance occurred on Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday afternoon I attended my therapy session with Dr. Berger. As usual we started off the session with a brief recap of what we discussed the week before. Then we covered what had occurred since our last appointment. I told her about the incident at the club and my break up with Sean.
"So, how do you feel about the breakup with Sean?" Dr. Berger asked.
"I don't know. I am sad and relieved, somewhat regretful." I said.
"Can you explain the reason for each of those feelings?" She requested.
I sighed and thought about my reasons, "I am relieved because, I had so many concerns and some much guilt about having casual sex. It was just a very taxing predicament . . . . . I felt lonely and Sean wanted me and I liked that he wanted me. I wanted to be loved but without the attachment, but I also wanted the attachment too," I laughed, "I know that sounds insane. But the closer we got the more afraid I became truthfully, but when he pulled away from me over the last few days, I wanted him more. Anyway, I am relieved that I don't have to grapple with the conflicting feelings." I said.
"Sad, I am sad because it still feels like a loss. I liked Sean, he was fun and I enjoyed being around him. I am sad that he didn't want to settle down with me or keep me, even though I myself wasn't ready for that either. And now . . . . . . there will be no one for me to flirt with or hit on me, and he is so cute and has the best dimples. I just hate that I got into this in the first place. If I didn't start this fling then I would not have to overcome these useless feelings and that is where the regret comes from. I regret being in this position. I regret it, I just regret." I confessed.
"Very good." She said.
"Very good?" I asked.
"You expressed those feelings with little hesitation, which is a positive." She explained.
I smiled, "I feel like I have just received one of those star of the day stickers, from elementary school." I said with a chuckle.
"Well, you deserve it. Now, I want to take a break from Sean and talk more about the club incident. We talked about what happened but I want to spend the remainder of the session discussing why it happened." She informed.
"Okay." I said.
"You said that you had seen Blake with the man you assumed was Jonathan and this prompted your desire to leave?" She inquired.
"Yes." I affirmed.
"So, when Blake came over and wanted to introduce you to someone, presumably Jonathan, why did you agree?" She asked.
"I told him that I didn't really want to." I said.
"Yes, but you went anyway. Why did you?" She probed.
"I don't know, it was so loud and everything was happening so fast. I didn't want to seem as if it bothered me to meet this guy, I didn't want it to seem as if I were bitter." I paused. "I wanted to see him . . . . . . . I wanted to see him. I wanted to look at him; he has been such a huge, yet invisible part of my life. I wanted to size him up, see what was so damn great about him." I confessed.
"And when you saw him?" She pressed.
"I don't even remember walking to the table; clearly I did because I got there. Only thing that I remember clearly is him smiling at me and wearing that shirt. The next thing I know I am being pulled off of him by Blake. It was so horrible." I said.
"You say that Jonathan has been a huge part of your life. Could you explain?" She requested.
"Well, I think of him sometimes, how could I not, the thought of him follows every thought I have of Blake and I think of Blake often. I know that he didn't steal Blake from me, no one can steal anyone else, but I still, as illogical as it is, I feel like he is the wall between us." I said.
"You were the one who broke things off with Blake and Blake is the one who chose to bring Jonathan into your lives, correct?" She asked.
"Yes, that is right." I affirmed.
"Well, if that is true, then Jonathan is not really the huge part you have made him out to be. And given the fact that you have not really mentioned him before, it leads me to believe that you may not think he is really the problem." She said.
I thought for a moment, "No, he is not the problem, just the scapegoat." I admitted.
"But it seems that you displaced some anger, even rage upon him." She said.
"I guess you could say that I have been angry about what has happened, between Blake and I." I said.
"It was more than anger that caused you to attack Westin. It was jealousy and rage." She proclaimed.
"I know, I can't believe I allowed myself to get so out of control. I don't act like that." I said.
"I can believe it." She said.
"You can believe it, why?" I asked.
"Because you are avoidant, you are reluctant to address your feelings. The failure to process your feelings properly make outbursts very likely. Until you are able to discontinue your avoidant behavior and develop a healthy emotional management system this will always be a possibility." She replied.
There were a few minutes of silence.
"I think that you have made some progress during our therapy but I don't think it has been as successful as it could be. You mentioned what your friend told you about your life, and she feels it is out of control, I must say that I agree. Though I don't really think that your life has ever been in control, I think you have just done a good job of creating a facade. Now you must decide if you want to continue on with that path or if you really want to address your issues and work on resolving them." She paused. "You need to really think about what you want and prioritize things." She advised.
Bono's Corner:
There is an impending conversation between Steven and Blake, which will be presented in the next chapter. What do you think context of the conversation should be and what outcome would you like to see?
Please go to Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner and let your opinion be known.
Comments:
Enjoyed 37. I think I see that Sean is in love with Steven, who is not really aware of it. I think they are soul mates but don't recognize it. Yet!!!!
Bruce
Excellent chapter [37]. Very interesting comment from Steve's friend. I so hope he finds love...maybe Michael
Tony
The only thing I can say about this chapter [36] is "Good Grief!" Steven has gone off the deep end because of not admitting to himself how deeply in love he is with Blake. Blake on the other hand has given Steven plenty of room to find himself. I suspect Blake wants to "talk" to tell Steven he loves him, has always loved and always will. He can't have a complete life with out Steven in it.
I only hope Steven remembers to keep his promise and call Blake.
You know it's interesting to count up how many people love Steven. Sadly, Steven is the only one who doesn't love Steven.
Michael
Appreciation:
Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Paul, Greg, John J., Harold, Kim, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, Randy, Liam, Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Alex, Tony, Emmanuel, Joseph, Bruce, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Gregory, Bill, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce, Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.
Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.
Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work.
Let Me Know:
Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.
Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.