Sleepy Days, Come No More
Chapter 40
The next couple of days were tranquil. I stayed in over the weekend and just relaxed. On Monday it was back to work and school. On Wednesday I had my regular session with Dr. Berger. Everything started with the session as it always had, except she was slightly tardy, but it caused no real disruption.
We started with general things, such as how I felt at that exact moment and how the last few days had gone. Then we focused on the conversation I had with Blake. I told her that I had asked for space and stuck to the boundaries that I felt were best.
Then she began with some questions.
"I know that it hasn't been long since your relationship with Sean ended and now there is a more definite separation from Blake, how have you been doing? How have you been coping with the change so far?" Dr. Berger asked.
"Well, like you said, it hasn't been that long. At first it just felt surreal. It still feels surreal but now it has settled in more. I mean the other day I was kind of feeling bad so I was going to call Sean to see if he wanted to spend the night together. I had literally begun to dial his number when I remembered that we weren't together anymore. I mean we were never really together, but you understand." I said.
"Why were you feeling bad?" She inquired.
"I don't know, I had finished work early and I didn't have anything to do, I felt lonely." I said.
"Are you sure that it was loneliness that was behind your emotional state?" She asked.
I thought for a moment, "Yeah, I mean I felt lonely." I said.
"Do you feel lonely often?" She asked.
"I don't know, I mean sometimes, but everyone feels lonely sometimes." I said.
"I would like for you to describe what loneliness feels like to you?" She requested.
"Umm, I . . . ." I paused for a moment trying to recall how I felt. "It's hard to describe, I feel sad and maybe a little scared, I just feel like nothing." I exclaimed.
"Like nothing?" She asked.
"I feel empty, just empty." I affirmed.
"I know that it may be difficult to describe but could you talk more about the emptiness that you feel?" She asked.
"I just feel that everything is out of my control and I don't know the purpose of anything, not just on an individual basis, I don't know if there is a point to anything at all." I confessed.
"How does that equate to loneliness?" She inquired.
I sighed, "I don't know, I guess, I usually feel like that when I am alone or have nothing to do . . . . . .when there is someone else around it is easier to be, to be less consumed by it, to feel that things are more anchored or real. You know? It just helps." I explained.
"You said that you spent long periods of time alone throughout your childhood and for most of your adulthood. How did you cope with being alone or with the feelings that plagued you during those periods?" She probed.
I thought about it for a moment, "Well, when I was young, I would watch television or play imaginary games or sleep." I replied.
"What about when you were older?" She asked.
"When I was older I watched more television, I still imagined things or dreamed of things being better, I studied a lot, and I slept a lot too." I explained.
"So you basically did the same things from childhood through young adulthood?" She asked.
"I guess, yes." I said.
"Okay," She paused briefly and looked down at the notepad that she had been writing on. "I want to talk about the feeling of emptiness, moreover the feeling of powerlessness or a lack of control; yes the word you used was `control'. We have discussed the issues of powerlessness when spoke about the trauma with your uncle as well as the dysfunction in your parental home." She said.
"Yes." I replied.
"When you spoke of the feelings you associate with loneliness, you mentioned fear and sadness. Then you say that you feel emptiness, as though there is no purpose in your life and also a sense of powerlessness." She said.
"Yes." I said.
"I know that was a bit redundant, but I restated these things because I feel they are all connected together, I think that culmination constitutes your definition of loneliness. Perhaps the sole issue isn't loneliness at all but the bigger issue of fear, purposelessness and powerlessness which results in sadness." She explained. "Do you understand?" She asked.
"Somewhat." I replied softly.
"How often are you afraid?" She asked.
There was a period of silence, probably only a minute but the seconds were long and still.
I took a breath and exhaled, "I don't think about it much, I mean sometimes when things slow down, when there is nothing left for me to do, I feel a little afraid. At night when I am alone, I may have a bit of anxiety but I manage." I said.
"You manage? How?" She asked.
"Yes. I deal with it, I manage. It isn't really that serious, I mean, I don't want you to think that I am afraid of the boogeyman or anything." I said with a laugh. "Everyone has moments of fear and anxiety, it is absolutely natural." I affirmed.
She smiled kindly, "Steven, you are right, we all have our fears and we all experience anxiety from time to time, but it is not healthy to exist in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety. And it would seem that you are constantly struggling with this and only manage through . . . . . . . busyness." She said.
"I am doing the best that I can. I know that things aren't the best, but they are not the worse either. I know that I can manage this, I know that it is within my control, I just have to work a little harder." I exclaimed.
"Steven, if we are going to make any progress with this issue, then you have to be less defensive. I am not trying to disparage you in any way. I simply want to get to the core of the problem so we can try to resolve it." She said calmly.
"I know. I am sorry if I was defensive." I said.
"The issue of control and power are significant. From our time together, as well as the notes I received from Dr. Meltzer, your issues with control and a sense of powerlessness stem from your childhood. We have talked about it in the past but never at length." She paused and looked at me, then proceeded. "It is completely normal for victims of abuse, especially physical and sexual abuse to feel powerless. I feel that we have to work on you accepting that it is okay for you to have felt that way so you can begin to overcome it." She said.
"Accept it?" I asked with confusion.
"Yes. Accepting something doesn't mean that you endorse it or think that it is right, it simply means that you acknowledge it as reality. Until you can accept that you feel powerless you will never be able to overcome it." She proclaimed. "This is true of every issue that we will and have faced in our sessions. You must start to accept these things from your past and reassess your responsibility for what happened. In many areas you blame yourself for things that were beyond your control and in others you don't realize your own accountability." She said.
"You feel that I have a lack of accountability? Could you explain that?" I asked sharply.
"I think that you must be more accountable for the way you manage your life. For how you manage your emotions and how you choose to cope with your difficulties." She informed. "You have to choose to do the hard work and really dig deep." She said.
There was another short period of silence.
"I don't have an opening after our session, so why don't we take a fifteen minute break. You go to the restroom and get something to drink or a bit of fresh air, then we can resume." She suggested.
"Alright." I agreed.
I went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. My stomach was a little upset, probably from tension, so I decided to get a soda, hoping that it would settle things a bit. There was a small balcony down the hall from the bathroom, so I went out and stood in the still air.
I tried to gather my thoughts. The session had gone in a direction that I had not expected. I wasn't prepared to confront some of the things that Dr. Berger had suggested. The shock left me feeling confused and at sea. I knew that I needed to steady myself so the rest of the time could be productive, but in my heart I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run away.
The fifteen minutes had nearly elapsed, so I took a very deep breath and put on my business face. I went back to the office and took my place. Dr. Berger was standing by a window, but quickly took her seat. She fumbled with her glasses briefly, which had been hanging from her neck. She took her notepad from a table and smiled.
"How do you feel Steven?" Dr. Berger asked kindly.
"Strange. I wanted so bad to leave." I confessed.
She nodded, "That is normal. I am glad that you were able to be honest about that." She paused. "We were talking about accountability, but that was a byproduct of the discussion about power and fear." She stated.
"Yes." I acknowledged.
"I just want to reiterate the possible connection between the feelings of powerlessness and fear, possibly precipitating into the feeling of, of um, of emptiness or purposelessness." She exclaimed.
"I understand the concept of a loss of power or control lending itself to fear, but you think that it could also lead to a feeling of purposelessness? And when we say purposelessness it is in reference to the broader sense of life in general and not just limited to the personal sense." I said.
"Yes that is correct. I believe that the lack of structure and safety provided to you during your childhood would create a sense of purposelessness or a doubt of the meaning of life. Most people who, don't even have past trauma struggle with the same things, at one point or another. It just seems that those who have been traumatized become disillusioned much earlier." She explained.
"I guess that seems plausible." I said.
"Well, you yourself said that you spent a lot of time removed from reality, you also watched a lot of television and spent a lot of time drawn within yourself. All of these things are a very strong foundation for disillusionment." She paused and gazed at me.
"Please, continue." I said.
"The fact that you had such a dysfunctional life, placed in direct contrast to the type of shows or social images you saw of what childhood and family were suppose to represent, could cause anyone to question the meaning of life. It could have also propelled anyone into a type of withdrawal. It is a survival mechanism but now you don't have to employ those tactics." She said.
I took a deep breath and exhaled heavily.
"I think that we have talked enough about these issues. What I want you to do is take time to think about them, to really evaluate them for yourself." She said.
"Okay." I agreed.
"I also want you to start using a positive thinking technique. I want you to start off your days with positive affirmations. I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself, that you are smart, that you are worthy of love, that you deserve to be happy, that you are in control of yourself." She said.
I laughed, "Positive thinking." I said.
"That's right. I know it may feel strange but it has helped a lot of people change their self image and start to revert some of those negative seeds that have been planted. Try for a while and see if it makes a difference." She advised.
"I will do just that." I said with an awkward smile.
"Good. I want to touch on your conversation with Blake." She said.
"Okay." I said.
"You told me the overview of what happened but didn't give any emotional context. I want to know how you feel about the decision." She informed.
"I felt better about when I decided to do it, I didn't feel so great about when I said it." I admitted.
"Do you feel that it was the right decision?" She asked.
"Yes. I think that it was the right decision. I need to focus on getting things in order and we weren't moving forward in our relationship, he is still with his guy and honestly I wouldn't make anyone a good partner right now anyway." I said.
"I think that it is a very wise decision to focus on your personal issues before involving someone else." She said.
"I know that it was a logical decision, but it has only been a few days so I don't know if I will feel so good about the choice later, but I still think it was right." I said.
"Well, it is good that you are aware that things may get difficult, it should help you to cope better. Awareness is always a very important aspect of living a healthy life." She informed.
I smiled, "Yes, awareness is really something." I said flatly.
We spent the next few minutes just reviewing what we had discussed. Dr. Berger said that she felt that we had been having some very productive sessions of late and commended me on my efforts to be more open.
After the session I went directly home. I didn't even take the train, I opted for a taxi. I was so drained that I went to my bedroom, stripped of my clothes and climbed into bed. It was still early but I felt completely exhausted and was fast asleep.
The next few months were uncomplicated; I don't know a better way to describe them than that. Don't get me wrong I still had some challenging days like everyone else but they were simpler. In many ways my life had reverted back to the way it had been before I met Blake. I didn't go out to clubs or bars. I wasn't being sexually active; in fact after discussing it with Dr. Berger I had decided to be celibate.
She felt that I had been using sex as some type of emotional validation, as if I measured my worth by how desirous I was to others. I didn't know if I agreed completely with her theory but I could not refute the logic or the fact that I often viewed myself through others, which is why I had become so isolated and detached from people. That was something else I had acknowledged in therapy.
Along with therapy, I was also journaling everyday as well as exercising and meditating too. I had lost weight and firmed up. I was in the best shape of my life and I felt stronger than I had in a very long time. Though I stopped going to clubs and bars, I did continue to spend time with my friends. I went to lunch with Vanessa once a week and spoke with Marie almost every day, and kept up with Lena and Chuck, I had even gotten pretty friendly with Luis.
I had also been spending quite a bit of time working with Dr. Janssen or Adrian, as he insisted I call him. He had started teaching safety and health courses twice a month at a local clinic, so I assisted him. It was actually pretty fun and relaxing. We would meet occasionally to discuss the course and plan different lessons. He did most of the planning, I mostly just agreed. Though sometimes we would talk about other things too, nothing personal, just worldly issues.
It was nice having an associate who was in the same field as me. He was very supportive of my career and advised me of certain lectures and associations that could be helpful to me. It was like having a mentor, I liked that.
School was coming to a close and I decided not to take any summer classes. I chose to increase my therapy sessions to three times a week during the summer, I thought it would be the most beneficial use of time. Since I was spending so much time at home, Michael and I were getting closer. We even talked about our respective childhoods.
He had come from a pretty poor family and his parents never really wanted children and had little interest in him. They weren't physically abusive but they were negligent. He had an elder sister but she had run off when he was young, so they were not close. Despite his difficulty with his parents, he didn't seem to begrudge them; he simply didn't want to be around them.
Michael and Ryan still were not speaking. Ryan just said it was too hard only being friends and Michael didn't feel that he could be anything more. He had been sad about the circumstance for some time but he started to go out again and had met a nice guy named Malcolm who he had been seeing for a couple of months.
I think that just about covers everything, except for the one thing you want to know most. Well, Blake and I had stood by our agreement. We were not involved in each other's lives. I had seen him a couple of times, which was pretty unavoidable given the fact that we lived so close to each other, but there was no contact, just a simple nod of the head. For what it is worth he looked great.
Everything was going well. I felt more in control of my life, not because I had become more powerful, but because there was less tension. I was learning to relax more and loosen up. I was trying to be more accepting of things that were not in my grasp. I was trying not to be so avoidant of my own feelings.
It was ironic, the more I accepted my lack of control, the more control I seemed to gain. I was far from healed but I was making a lot of progress, but nothing would test my resolve more than the events that were to come. I was completely unprepared for the task that was about to be laid upon my shoulders.
The day was routine. I had gone to work that morning and then went to class that evening and came directly home. I took a shower and changed into some more comfortable clothes. I fixed myself a quick dinner and sat on the sofa and watched the news.
As I sat there and listened to who had killed whom, followed by what celebrity wore what best, there was a knock at the door. It was late for visitors so I assumed that Michael had forgotten his key or that Marie needed to burrow something.
I scrambled to my feet and made my way to the door. I looked through the peephole and saw a handsome stranger standing there.
"Who is it?" I asked.
Acknowledgement:
I would like to encourage all who can to make a donation to Nifty. I am sure that any amount would be appreciated and all donations aide in making this forum available to us all.
I would also like to thank Jake for giving me some much needed perspective. It was really helpful Jake and I certainly appreciate it. I would also like to thank everyone who has taken the time share their thoughts and encouragement.
Have Fun and be Safe.
Comments:
Very interesting conversation, but for me I would've liked to have Blake come clean out Jonathan.ÿ Blake knows all about Sean but he has not told Steven one thing about Jonathan---even if he is a real person or just someone Blake made up to make Steve think that he is involved with someone----maybe to get Steven to get his act together.ÿÿ No one really knows, but I don't think Blake has been too honest----like how can he profess love for Steven yet be sleeping with someone else?ÿ Just doesn't add up.
Greg
I read the chapter and was really disappointed.ÿ I can't believe that Steven got his way again.ÿ He did all the talking and it was what he wanted.ÿ Blake just sat there and pretty much told Steven he would wait for the end of time for him.ÿ Well, I just feel Blake is insecure or Steven must be really good in bed if he is willing to sit and wait and do whatever Steven wants and says.ÿ Blake should have grown a pair andÿtold Steven he is the one that needs to explain why he went away and apologize for not being a good partner.
Paul
Steve is having nightmares and his days are a mess. He loves Blake, He kinda loves Sean. He is devoted to work...Even His friends see he has major problems...The poor man is like a feather in a whirlpool, spinning faster and faster, going deeper and deeper. Who has the lifeline to save Him from Himself?
He is His own worst enemy..He is fighting with his inner self for control of a life he has no clue how to live..He suffers from a lifetime of damage..Bless His heart...I so want Him to be happy, I know, it's just a story, but again, You put so much into the character, and I'm drawingÿ from Your character, wanting for Him as I'd want for myself...Love and Happiness..Geez I'm and ole soppy "MO"...
Clayton
Appreciation:
Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Paul, Greg, John J., Harold, Kim, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, David S., Randy, Liam, Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Alex, Tony, Emmanuel, Joseph, Bruce, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Gregory, Bill, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce, Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.
Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.
Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work.
Let Me Know:
Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.
Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.