Sleepy Days, Come No More
Chapter 45
The next month passed quickly. I had done well on my exams and as planned opted not to attend summer classes. I increased my therapy sessions to three times a week and continued to work with Adrian at the health center, which was fun. And I had planned a two week vacation. I was going on a cruise to the Bahamas five days and then was going to Vegas to visit Chuck. I was pretty excited about the entire thing really. I had never been on a vacation before, growing up we barely ever left town. When my parents would go on trips me and my brother would usually stay with relatives, so this was a big thing for me.
Michael decided to spend part of his summer with his boyfriend and his family in Boston. It was pretty quiet around the apartment without him, I missed him, but it was also nice to have some time to myself. I walked around the place naked and had days without any noise at all.
The celibacy thing was going well too. I will admit that there were times that I would become aroused and it would be difficult not to attend to myself and had done so a few times, but only a few times and never with anyone else.
Work was also going well, it was becoming a little monotonous but that is normal. I mean I had achieved my goal of entering hospital management and once you get what you want it is hard to maintain the same level of excitement. I would still work late nights on occasion but it was not as frequent as it once had been. I was making better use of office resources so that really cut down on all of the leg work that I had insisted on doing myself originally.
I had not seen or spoken to Blake since the day we had that argument. I wanted to call him the next day and many other times after but I decided it was probably best to let things settle down and see what would happen. Besides I really didn't have anything different to say and our conversations just seemed to go in circles, with each of us expressing the same things over and over again.
Vanessa and I still had lunch nearly every week and got together from time to time after work and she had mentioned that Blake had gone to Chicago after the school year was completed. That was the extent of information I had about him, I guess I could have asked her about him but that just seemed like the wrong thing to do.
Then one day out of the blue Blake sent me a letter. I went to my room and lay across the bed to read it. It smelled like him, which I liked.
Steve,
I don't even know how to start this letter, it seems odd that we have reached a point where I feel a letter is more appropriate than a phone call, but I guess that is where we are.
I have been thinking about you a lot since we last talked and I have thought about the things you said too. I can't say that I agree with your choices about our relationship but I know that it isn't going to do either of us any good to keep going on like this.
After our talk and everything else that has been happening recently I decided to come back home and try to see what to do next with my life. I just feel like I want to make some changes, I want to do something new. At first I thought about moving back to Chicago and working with my mother at the organization that she is involved with. It seemed like a nice change. I would be able to work for some positive changes, but as I was thinking about further I decided to look into going abroad.
I joined an organization that places teachers in Latin America. I have been placed in Peru. I will be there for at least three months and may extend that period depending on how things go. I think that it is exactly what I need, a change of pace and a change of scenery. It was really something that I always wanted to do and this is as good a time as ever to go.
The family is fine. Dad has even cut back on his hours since I have been home. We have been going fishing and he has been giving me golfing lessons. It has been really cool actually; we never spent this much time together before. Mom has been really busy with work but she did help me find the teacher organization and has been going overboard with researching Peruvian culture.
The house still feels strange without Liz but things aren't as weird as they were the last time I was home. The guys came over the other night and we hung out here all night, it was pretty fun. Theresa has not come to visit yet but I will see her and Caleb before I leave. My mother is going to have a family barbeque for me and the uncles, aunts, and cousins will be here, so that is going to be pretty cool. That is about it really, everything is pretty calm right now.
So what about you?
I know that you had your finals earlier this month, I'm sure you did well. I know that work is probably going well for you too; I just hope that you are taking care of yourself as well.
Well, that is about it. I will be back in town on Monday. I will be there for a week to get things in order. I will be leaving for Chicago on the 17th if you want to see me before I leave or say bye or whatever.
Later,
Blake
P.S. I still love you man.
I read the letter at least three times before I put in away in my drawer. I continued with my usual routine but the closer the 17th came the more anxious I was. I knew that I wanted to see Blake before he left, part of me wanted to tell him not to leave, but I didn't know if it was the right choice. I didn't want it to turn into another awkward and hurtful meeting.
A couple of nights before the big day, I had dinner with Adrian after one of our health care classes. The restaurant was pretty sparse, not just in customers but also in regards to decorations and furniture. It was very minimalist. Since there weren't many people we were seated quickly. We placed our orders and began to talk.
"It is very bare in here." I observed.
"It is contemporary; I think it's meant to promote conversation." Adrian said.
"And I bet it is very inexpensive as well." I replied with a smile and a chuckle.
"You seem to be in a better mood now." He said.
"I feel fine. Did I seem less than okay earlier?" I asked.
"When we were setting up for the class you seemed distant, like there was something on your mind. Is there something going on with you?" He inquired.
I smiled, "No, everything is fine. Work is great, well, great might be an over kill, it is fine. And since I am not taking summer classes I have less pressure so . . . . . . . I really don't have any complaints." I replied as I continued to smile.
"I don't know if that is completely true, but it is good to see that you are better now." He said.
"Well, this is a bit personal. My ex is leaving the country. He is going to Peru to teach." I informed.
"That is good, I traveled a lot and it really enhanced my life. I take it that you don't think it is so great?" He asked.
"I think that I really don't have the right to an opinion, I mean we aren't together anymore. I really shouldn't be affected by it, like you said . . . . . . . traveling and meeting different people is an awesome thing and not a lot people get that chance so I should totally be happy for him. He will be helping people and Peru is a beautiful country." I said.
"But you don't want him to go?" He asked.
"I don't know Adrian. I am conflicted, I don't want him to go but I don't want to not want him to go." I paused and started to laugh. "It is freaking insane. I hate that, I hate being like this." I confessed.
"Well, that is normal. You can't control how you feel. It sounds like you are, if not in love with him, then very infatuated with him." He said.
"I think it past the point of simple infatuation. I mean I do love him, I love him very much. It just doesn't seem to add up." I said.
"It doesn't add up?" He inquired.
"We love each other but things just haven't matched up right. The timing and circumstances are always out of order. Any way he is leaving town in a couple of days and I am wondering if I should go see him and tell him bye or just stay away." I explained.
"Are you on good terms with him?" He asked.
"It is complicated. I mean, it is like we go from not talking for months and to ripping each other's clothes off like no time had passed at all. Excuse my description; I know it is not the most appropriate thing to say." I said with wry smile.
"It is okay, we are both adults." He said.
"I know but we are colleagues so to speak and I don't mean to be . . . . . . . crass." I explained.
"I would like to think that we are more than just colleagues Steven, I think of you as a friend." He said with a smile.
I smiled again, "That is really great Adrian. I really, really respect you and all the work that you do in the community and I guess I have been looking to you as a mentor of sorts. That's why it is so unusual to talk about my personal life. I mean professional matters are a breeze with you, you give excellent advice but I didn't want to violate any boundaries or anything like that." I explained.
"Steven you can be so uptight, discussing some of your personal issues won't offend me in the least. I told you about some of my personal matters." He said.
"I know, I guess I am just more comfortable with listening." I admitted.
"So, are you going to visit your ex before he leaves?" He asked.
"I don't know yet, I probably won't decide until the last minute." I confessed.
"That doesn't sound like you." He observed.
"What doesn't sound like me?" I asked, the food was brought out before he could answer.
Once the server had left he answered. "You just seem very sure about what you do, there never seems to be any doubt about your career or our work at the clinic." He explained.
"Oh, yeah. I am usually more self assured about things but I have struggled in this area and with this particular person." I confessed.
"That all sounds normal. We can't control how we feel, you clearly have strong feelings for this young man. I think you should go and tell him goodbye if that is truly what you want to do." He advised.
"My gut says go and see him before he leaves, but I don't want to make things worse." I said.
"Do you think he wants to see you before he leaves?" He inquired.
"Well, he told me when he would be leaving so I could come and tell him goodbye if I wanted to. He said that he still loves me." I said.
"So you both still love each other?" He inquired.
"Yes." I responded.
"But you don't want to be together?" He continued.
"Well, he wants to get back together or at least he did, but I don't, I just think it would be a mistake. I mean we tried and it didn't work, for one reason or another. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I love him very much but there are some things about him that I don't particularly like and to be honest there are things about myself that I want to correct." I explained.
"Seldom are there ever any perfect circumstances, life is like a continual work in progress. Sometimes you have to multitask." He said.
"Multitask?" I asked.
"Yes, you may have to work on yourself and balance a relationship too; just like you would balance work and school or a family." He said.
"Yeah, we all have to multitask more often than we would probably like, but some things require more care and attention then we are able to give. The issues that I need to focus on are consumptive and the issues between Blake and I are also consumptive, I can't balance both right now and I think if I tried I would just end up hurting him and failing myself." I paused. "I love Blake and I want him the way I want chocolate cake and pizza, I would eat them every day, but I know that that wouldn't be good for me. You understand what I mean?" I asked.
"Yes, I think I understand you." He said with a smile.
We ate our meal and continued to talk. After dinner Adrian walked me to the train station, he offered to give me a ride but I insisted on taking the train, on account that he lived in the opposite direction as me. I went home to my empty and very quiet apartment and went to bed.
When the 17th came I found myself lying in bed looking up at the ceiling as I had done so many times before. I climbed out of bed, took a shower and had breakfast. I put on a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt and headed out for a walk.
I walked around the neighborhood for an hour. I told myself that it was for the exercise but I knew the real reason and my final destination was Blake's door. He opened the door and let me into his now empty apartment. Only thing that remained were a few boxes stacked against the wall.
"You've been really busy." I said.
"Yeah." Blake said with a smile.
"Are you excited about Peru?" I asked.
"Yes, I am." He answered.
"I read a lot about Peru. A very diverse culture and beautiful." I paused. "And it isn't dangerous or anything." I said.
"Right." He agreed.
"Are you sure that you want to go? Is this what you really want to do?" I asked.
"Yes, this is what I want to do Steve." He said.
"Well, I just wanted to come to say bye and to wish you luck. I appreciate you telling me that you are leaving, I know that you didn't have to." I said.
"I wanted you to know." He said.
"Thanks, I appreciate it." I said again.
"You're welcome, I'm glad you came." He said with a smile.
"It is really empty in here." I said with a laugh.
"Yeah, I found a lot of things that I thought I had lost, under dressers and between cushions." He confessed.
"So when are you leaving for Chicago?" I asked.
"This afternoon." He informed.
"Are you putting your furniture in storage?" I asked.
"I am taking it too my parents, storing it in the pool house. No one really uses it anyway." He explained.
"That will save money. Did you have to pay much to break your lease?" I inquired.
"It wasn't too bad. I didn't have too much longer any way." He said.
"I see your hands are all healed." I observed.
"Yeah, it didn't take too long, like you said they weren't deep." He said.
"Yeah, I did say that. I guess that is all the small talk I can think of." I confessed.
"I guess it is a bit awkward." He contended.
"Yes, a bit." I said with a laugh.
"I should get back to work." He said.
"Well, good luck Henry Mitchell." I said with a smile.
"Thank you Steven Matthew Greene." He replied with a smile.
"No fair, I didn't mention your middle name." I exclaimed.
"I don't mind you using my middle name, it doesn't bother me in the least." He informed.
"Of course it doesn't bother you, you use it as your de facto name anyway." I said.
"Well, if you like I will start calling you Matthew or Matt." He said.
"No, I am used to Steven. Besides my family is not obsessed with one name so I don't have to use my middle name as my first name, what are you the 20th Henry?" I asked facetiously.
"Very funny Matthew, very funny." He said with a smile.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye." I said.
"Yes, this is goodbye, at least for now." He said.
"Handshake, fist bump, or hug?" I asked.
"Surprise me." He instructed.
"Okay." I agreed.
I walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek and wrapped my arms around him. We hugged for what felt like hours and then we stepped apart.
"You take care of yourself Mr. Mitchell." I directed.
"You take care of yourself Mr. Greene." He instructed.
We smiled at each other and then he walked me to the door. He stood in the hallway as I started to descend the stairs. Then I turned to look at him one more time.
"Mr. Mitchell." I said.
"Yes?" He asked.
"I still love you too man." I said and then turned and continued down the stairs.
Acknowledgement:
As I am sure many have heard, there has been a mass murder in Aurora, Colorado that left 12 dead and dozens injured. There are no words that I can say to adequately express my sincerest condolences to all of those who have been affected by this heinous event, but I am truly sorry to hear of it and am heavy of heart.
This seems to be an unfortunate trend of late. It seems that more and more I learn of someone losing their lives at the hand of some sick individual. It creates an atmosphere of fear and may discourage us of human kind but I hope that we can all appreciate the good that still exists in life and try to find some semblance of peace.
Be Safe and Enjoy yourselves.
Appreciation:
Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Rogue, Jerry, Paul, Greg, John J., Harold, Kim, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, David S., Randy, Liam, Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Alex, Tony, Jerry L., Emmanuel, Lulu, Joseph, Bruce, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Brissie, Dale, Gregory, Bill, Ryan, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce, Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.
Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.
Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work.
Let Me Know:
Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.
Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.