Sleepy Days, Come No More
Chapter 47
I walked over to Chuck, passing a couple of other people who were sprawled out on the floor. I extended my hand out to him, "Chuck. Let's go man." I said.
He looked up at me again and smiled, and then his head fell back to his chest. I squatted down in front of him and shook him a little. He was simply not responding to my prompts. I stood to my feet and went to seek help from Tyler.
Once I located him we headed to the room. Tyler led the way without directions. Apparently he knew where Chuck was all along. We went to the room and gathered Chuck. We carried him out to the car and laid him on the back seat.
There was no discussion on the way back to Chuck's only the occasional direction given to me by Tyler, as I was not very familiar with the area. When we arrived we again gathered Chuck and then carried him up to the apartment. We put him in his bed and I removed his shoes and pants.
I turned off the light and we left the room. It was nearly 5 o'clock in the morning we both looked pretty beat.
"You ready?" I asked.
"Ready for what?" Tyler asked.
"Don't you want me to drive you home?" I clarified.
"Oh. No I'll just crash here; I do it all the time. I guess you've been using the sofa bed?" He inquired.
"Yeah." I replied.
"Well, I'll just crash on the floor." He said.
"No. You can sleep on the sofa bed." I said.
"You want to share it?" He asked in surprise.
"No, you can have it. I'll crash with Chuck." I explained.
"So, do you want to talk about tonight?" He asked.
"Talk about what?" I inquired.
"Well, about Chuck." He replied.
"No, I mean it is pretty clear that he is high. I think anyone can see that. I guess the only question is how long has he been using and what?" I asked.
"He's been doing a lot of coke, some prescriptions drugs too." He answered.
"Crack cocaine or just plain cocaine?" I inquired.
"Regular as far as I know." He replied.
"How can he possibly afford a cocaine addiction, he was working at a clothing store the last I knew?" I asked.
"Well, he has a lot of friends, he's a popular guy." He said.
"And they give him drugs?" I paused and thought for a moment. "I think I understand." I said.
Tyler sighed and gave me a sympathetic glare.
"How long has he been doing this?" I inquired.
"A few months." He responded.
"Okay. Well, thanks for being honest with me." I said.
"Yeah." He said.
"Goodnight or good morning I guess." I said and headed toward Chuck's room.
Chuck was dead asleep. The blinds were closed and the curtains drawn but there was light streaming in from both sides of the window. I locked the bedroom door and walked over to the bed. I looked down at my friend, my clinic compatriot, as his chest rose and fell. He was such a smart assed tough guy, but everyone looks more innocent when they are lying asleep, all vulnerable and care free.
Sleep gives everyone a reprieve from reality, a chance to catch their breath. I didn't know what exactly triggered Chuck's relapse, what proved to be the catalyst that led him back down that dark path but I knew what was at the root.
Some memories are just too hard to forget. Sometimes you just can't escape the past no matter how fast you run it is just always there, always reminding you of the things that you so desperately want to forget. I looked at my friend for a while longer and then decided to join him, I too wanted a reprieve.
I took off my shoes and socks, and then my pants and shirt. I climbed into bed with Chuck and just looked up at the ceiling while listening to him snore. I wondered what he was dreaming about and how he was feeling. I thought about what I would say to him when he woke up or if I would say anything at all.
As usual I found my mind swirling with thoughts. Each possibility and scenario played out in my mind, from the happiest to the most alarming. I was becoming a bit overwhelmed with my thoughts and decided it was best if I got to sleep.
I took a few deep breaths and uttered a simple prayer, something that I only did when I felt really shaken. I didn't know if anything would come from my desperate prayers but they always seemed to settle me a bit. I prayed for the right thing to do and for peace. I took a few more breaths and closed my eyes tight. Before long I had drifted off to sleep.
When I awoke I couldn't recall a single thing that I had dreamt, perhaps I hadn't dreamed at all. I did however feel a sense of calm and peace, rather it was some divine gift or a simple religious placebo, it did the job.
I turned over on my side and found the bed empty. Chuck had awakened before me. I lay there for a few minutes reviewing the reasons why I should get out of bed when I wanted to do was go back to sleep. The perfect reason finally prevailed; I had to use the bathroom.
I sat up and rose to my feet. I stomped my way out of the room and into the bathroom. I relieved myself and went about so basic hygiene. I then went out to the living room but there was no one there. Tyler and Chuck were gone.
I went back to the bedroom to retrieve my phone. I saw that I had a text from Chuck. He said that he had to run a few errands, taking Tyler home was mentioned. I decided to have breakfast or rather a late lunch. After that I watched some television.
It had been a couple of hours and Chuck still had not returned. I sent him a text and he said that he would be back in about an hour. I dared not ask him what he was doing; he may have been at the grocery store or with his supplier. Maybe he was in some dark alleyway or some neighborhood full of vacant and dilapidated houses. I laughed to myself at the thought; I guess I had been watching too much cable television.
The imagery may have been laughable but the fact that he could be out there getting high or scoring dope did make me uneasy. I still had not decided what I should do. I thought about not saying anything but that seemed wrong but I knew that talking to him may just cause him to push me away.
True to his word, Chuck came back to the apartment around the time he said he would. He walked through the door with a smile on his face.
"Hey Steve. How did you sleep man?" He asked cheerfully.
"I slept fine. How are you?" I asked.
"I am great." He replied.
"Where did you go?" I inquired.
"Well, I took Tyler home and then I went to the bank and to the post office." He informed.
"Oh." I said.
"Look, you should take a shower and get dressed. I want to take you out tonight." He said.
"Actually, I was hoping that we could spend the night in." I said.
"Why? You can spend the night in at home. I want to show you a great time." He said.
"We can have a great time here. I am leaving tomorrow so we should spend some quality time together." I said with a smile.
He looked at me and gave a wry smile, "I think I know what this is." He proclaimed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Look, I didn't want you to know about what is going on with me. I wish you didn't know and I don't want to talk about it either. I just want to enjoy our time together so I want you to get dressed and go out with me." He said.
"Okay, but tonight . . . . . . ."
"Don't worry about it." He said.
We went out and did all that Chuck had planned. We didn't stay out as late as the other nights since I had to head out the next day. We had a lot of fun, considering the circumstances; I was concerned every time he was out of my sight.
Chuck helped me pull out the sofa bed and make it up for the night. I went to the bathroom and changed into my night clothes. When I came out I found Chuck sitting on the bed waiting for me. We lay in the bed and talked. We didn't discuss his drug usage directly or the way he was financing it, but we did talk about the future and what we wanted out of life.
We talked until we both had fallen asleep. I don't know who went first. The next day I packed all of my things. Chuck and I had something to eat and then he drove me to the airport. We stood outside his car and embraced.
"You take care of yourself Chuck." I instructed.
"You take care of yourself too." He instructed.
"Remember, there is no shame and getting help, if things get bad give me a call." I said.
"I thought we weren't going to talk about it." He reminded.
"A last ditch effort." I said.
"You call me when you get home." He instructed.
"Of course." I paused. "Chuck, I love you. You call me if you need anything, even if it is just to say hi or to hear me tell you that I love you." I instructed.
"Stop being such a wimp, go on, you have a plane to catch." He said with a smile.
I arrived back home that night and soon my life had resumed. Summer was past and gone in what seemed like a blink of an eye and autumn was not to be out done in that regard.
Michael had returned from Boston and we both took fall courses. I continued with therapy and work and I still worked with Adrian at the healthcare center.
Marie and Thomas were expecting a child, which was exciting. Thomas asked Marie to marry him shortly after and she agreed. They had always planned on getting married one day; I guess the child was as good a reason as any to expedite things.
Blake had decided to remain in Peru for another year at the least.
We didn't really talk much during the summer, I guess it was a little uncomfortable for both of us but we began to speak regularly during the fall via email. He would tell me about life in Peru and send me pictures. He also kept me abreast of his family issues. I also spoke with his family from time to time, usually for special occasions, such as birthdays and holidays.
I told him about my life, mostly about the center and my friends. I would also send him care packages from time to time, just to let him know that he was on my mind. Our communication was very friendly and respectful but there was still a sense of apprehension, like neither of us wanted to offend the other. The topic of our love lives never came up. I suspected that Blake may have been seeing someone but I dared not to ask.
As for my romantic life, well it was pretty dormant until the winter. I don't know exactly how it happened but I had been spending more and more time with Adrian and one night after we went out to dinner, following one of our classes, he kissed me.
He told me that he was very "fond" of me and that he would really like to see if we could be more than friends. In truth I was very surprised and a bit reluctant to venture down that road with him. I knew that I liked him very much and he was an attractive man, I would even say that he was the type that I always envisioned for myself. He was older, accomplished and well cultured.
I wouldn't describe our relationship as a whirlwind romance or say that it was hot and heavy, but it was pleasant. We attended dinner parties together and art shows. He took me to the theatre and the opera. We were very compatible in the way we managed our lives. It was all very organized and neat. I understood his goals and he understood mine, we operated like a sort of team.
I maintained my celibacy for the first several months of our relationship and Adrian was very supportive, he never made me feel pressured or anything like that. Once we finally decided to take the next step, we discussed it. We listed all the pros and cons; it was a very cerebral approach.
Making love with Adrian was very different from being with Blake or even Sean. He was caring and gentle with me but he wasn't very passionate or spontaneous. It was always the same way and around the same time. It wasn't fantastic but it was nice, it was very nice.
One thing that I did miss was a sense of intimacy, I mean we talked about everything but it wasn't intimate. I don't really know how to explain this, I told him everything I was feeling and we discussed everything thoroughly but we always needed to talk, it always required work. We didn't have that sort of silent understanding that I had enjoyed with Blake. It is ironic really, I always felt I understood what was going on with Blake and always thought we should talk more but never knew what Adrian was thinking or feeling unless we discussed it.
Our consistent communication made everything go smoothly but there were no butterflies or any semblance of tension. It was what I always wanted, a productive and highly communicative relationship. We never argued or raised our voices. It was very calm.
As time went by I eventually told Blake that I was seeing someone, he seemed to be okay with it. I was relieved to finally let him know, I knew that we weren't a couple but I didn't feel good about withholding information from him.
Marie and Thomas were married in February and the baby came in early March. It was a beautiful baby girl, they named her Madalyn for Thomas's maternal grandmother. They were very happy to have a family, and Michael and I acted as secondary care givers for the child, which we both enjoyed.
The months continued to accumulate until winter was upon us once more and I found myself closer to thirty. It is something odd about getting older, when you are a child you think it is great, that age will magically make everything better. The longing to get older seems to make the time pass slowly but once you realize that there is no magic number that makes life great, but that age only slays childhood illusion, time starts to speed.
Suddenly aging just makes you want to slow down the clock so you can have more time to do the things that you always planned to do but never seemed to have enough time to accomplish. With every birthday acting as a reminder of fading youth and loss opportunity.
I had spent my 27th birthday with Adrian when we first started dating and now I was spending my 28th with him too. He took me out to a very nice and very expensive restaurant. We had dinner and then we went back to his place for the evening. He had a beautiful condo that overlooked the city.
When we arrived at his place we sat in the living room and watched the evening news. After that we started to talk.
"So how are you feeling?" Adrian asked.
"About what? Just in general?" I asked.
"About your birthday?" He clarified.
"Oh, you know that birthdays aren't that important to me. I mean technically I am only one day older than I was yesterday." I said with a smile.
"That is a good attitude to have." He said.
"It is logical." I said with a smile.
"I have wanted to talk to you about some things." He said.
"Oh, well, let's talk." I said.
"Well, I want to talk about our relationship." He informed.
"Don't tell me you treated me to a night on the town only to dump me the same night." I said with a smile. "And if so you could have totally scored tonight, but now that won't be happening." I laughed.
"No, that isn't the issue. I want to talk about the future of our relationship." He informed.
"The future, that sounds, well . . . . . . . serious." I said as my stomach tightened.
"I think that it is serious." He said.
"Okay, continue." I implored.
"I care about you a great deal and I think that we can make a nice life together." He informed.
"What exactly do you mean?" I inquired.
"Well, I know that we haven't made a verbal commitment to each other, but I know that neither of us is seeing anyone else, so I was thinking that we should define our relationship and what we want it to be in the future." He said.
"Wow, that sounds pretty serious. What do you want the relationship to be in the future?" I asked.
"Steven, I am getting older and I want to settle down and have a family, we have been dating for over a year now and I am very happy with our relationship I think that we can accomplish a lot of things together." He informed.
"A family?" I asked in surprise.
"Yes, I want to get married and start a family. Isn't that something that you want too?" He asked.
"Well, yes, I want a family, but I don't think I am ready yet." I admitted.
"I don't expect this to happen overnight, I just wanted you to understand where I am in my life and what I want in the future, I just want everything to be clear." He explained.
There was a period of silence. I took a deep breath and broke the silence.
"Honestly, I don't know what to say. This is a lot to absorb so soon and it wasn't exactly expected." I confessed.
"We have discussed what you wanted in life and you said that you were interested in having a family and getting married at some point in your life." He reminded.
"Yes, that is what I want. I just don't know when I will be ready for that. I mean, I am going to be finished with my degree this semester and I will graduate in January, so this does seem like a good time to discuss it. But I am just not sure." I said.
"That is fair. I want you to take some time to think about it. Like I said, I don't expect this to happen overnight. Right now I just want us to make a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship." He explained.
"Well, I think that I certainly can agree to that." I said.
We talked for a while longer and then retired to his bedroom.
Acknowledgement:
We live in a world that can provide such beauty and hope, but in contrast it can also harbor the most heinous events. Violence and cruelty is an ever present theme in the media. Recently there was a mass murder in Colorado and shortly after that there was a mass killing in Iraq, which has left over one hundred people dead in one day.
These types of tragedies are occurring more and more often and that is truly unfortunate. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge the victims, not only of these violent acts but of all violent acts, and their families.
Remember to have Fun and be Safe.
Appreciation:
Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Rogue, Jerry, Paul, Greg, John J., Harold, Kim, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, David S., Randy, Liam, Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Alex, Tony, Jerry L., Emmanuel, Lulu, Joseph, Bruce, Peter M., Andrew, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Brissie, Dale, Gregory, Bill, Ryan, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce, Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.
Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.
Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work.
Let Me Know:
Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.
Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.