I retain all rights to this story, especially that of copyright. This work of fiction is not to be distributed by any person or copied elsewhere (ex. another website unless I do so myself). I hope you enjoy this work and it is completely fictional, no character is meant to portray someone one in real life and is created from my imagination.
Smile Now, Cry Later Ch. 1
It played over and over again in my head, why wouldn't it just go away. The green light changing to red, the car speeding on without a sign of slowing down and then everything turns to black from there, I don't want to remember but for some reason I can't seem forget. My mind is in a haze and I'm tossing and turning in my bed, beads of sweat slowly rolling down my face. It's not like I don't already blame myself for what happened but my dreams are a constant reminder that will not let go and keeps dragging me to the one place that I really don't want to revisit.
"Get your ass up!" My mom said as she banged loudly on my door which was loud enough that I was sure the neighbors could hear. "You're going to be late for school!" I heard footsteps receding from the door.
I moaned as I sat up on my bed. The sheets were strewn everywhere from my tossing and turning, some even managed to get on the floor. I looked at the clock beside my bed and it read 7:45. Great, I only had 15 minutes to get ready and go to school. Did I mention that school was 10 minutes away? I really had to rush. I got up and gathered the clothes I was going to change into and quickly dressed. I went into the kitchen where my mom was at the table with my father eating breakfast, of course there was none made for me, my mom only made breakfast for my dad, she didn't care if I ate in the morning. They didn't say anything to me, not a "Hey son good morning," or "Have a good day at school son," not that I cared but it would be nice to know that they did. I got my things and headed for the door.
"Bye, see you when I get out." There was no response.
Being the only child I had no one to talk to. I was all alone, a prisoner in my own home. It is really depressing to lie in your room and just think, about your life and where it may go, the things going on now, and all the things you fear the most. I have way too much thinking time on my hands. I'm glad that I do have someone to talk to though, or I swear I would commit suicide or something. My best friend, Andrew, I met him when I first moved to this town back in the 6th grade. He was the first person I met, I was a shy kid though and didn't really talk much then, but he got me to. I'll more then likely keep to myself unless someone else talks to me first. I used to look down when I walked about but when I met Andrew he showed me that I didn't need to. He was a good looking boy, ash brown hair with hazel eyes. Every year I noticed his body changing more and more, muscles developing where they had not been before, sometimes I couldn't help but to stare at him. He was in football but that wasn't the only sport he played, soccer being another, he was exceptionally good at both. I came out to him in the 9th grade, I would have done it sooner but I feared that he wouldn't talk to me anymore or worse beat me up for being a fag. I remember that day being one of the hardest times in my life. The fear that engulfed me, the unease that I felt, I didn't know what would happen I could only hope for the best. I had to tell him because I hated hiding what was possibly the biggest part of my life to him. But fortunately he accepted me and said he had known and I asked him later how he had known, he told me that he had caught me staring at other guys; I was so embarrassed that I had been caught. He hugged me and told me that if I ever needed someone to talk to about anything that was bothering me to come directly to him, what a great friend he is, I'm really fortunate that I met him, but he wouldn't be more than that to me, just a friend, I guess that's all I could ask for.
If you didn't notice, my parents never really care; they buy me what I need to get by but other than that I can just forget it. I'm lucky if I get something on my own birthday. My parents aren't the happiest of couples either, they fight constantly and I have to hear it, sometimes I wish I could drown it all out. But it's never gotten physical, that I am glad for. It wouldn't surprise me if my mother was sleeping around with another guy though, she finds any reason she can to bitch at my dad like she feels guilty for something. My mom, even though she isn't the most nurturing woman in the world, has shown the most interest in my life, she doesn't ask what I do but she does worry where I'm at and the kind of people I hang out with, go figure.
I walk toward the direction of the school as I see fellow classmates drive by in their cars. I didn't mind walking to school, it kept me in shape. To describe myself, I have golden blonde hair that nearly covers my eyes; I inherited this from my mom. My eyes where a deep blue, I consider my eyes my best feature, for some reason I like them above all else. I didn't have a muscular build but I was pretty athletic, I would walk or jog around the block just to get away from everything sometimes, occasionally I would do some sit ups or push ups in my room, nothing more than that. The trip from my house to the school wasn't a long one, before I knew it I was already there. I headed towards my first period which was English, the class that I hated the most, the teacher was alright but it was such a boring subject. I sat down at my desk which was at the back of the class, I was usually the first person there but today a girl was there talking to the teacher. I didn't recognize who she was, must be a new student I figured. When she was done talking to the teacher she sat at the desk that she had been assigned to and after settling in turned and faced me.
She smiled. "Hi my name is Lauren." She made a small wave motion with her hand. She was very pretty and outgoing I had guessed by her forwardness. She had dirty blonde hair that came past her shoulders. She had blue piercing eyes like mine and had a nice hourglass figure that any girl would be envious of; she was drill team or cheerleader material at the least.
I smiled back not wanting to be rude and replied. "My name is Jared. I figure your new here right?"
"Yea today is my first day, I used to go to a private school but my parents figured it was time for me to go to a public school again." She looked around the classroom. "So, what's this class like?" Her eyes were once again one me.
"It's alright, she gives a lot of homework though and most of it is grammar." I hated grammar the most; I did worse in that than anything else.
She didn't talk to me after that, students started to pile in and the tardy bell soon rang. She seemed like a really cool person. I wish that we could be friends, but I knew that soon she would be in the popular group of girls and wouldn't have the time of day to talk or that she would even consider talking to me again. I wasn't really the most popular kid in school; the people I did hang around with were usually outcasts like me or people that were overlooked. Class ended as soon as it had started and before I walked out the door Lauren came up to me to my surprise.
"Can you show me where this class is?" she asked handing me her schedule and pointing to the class she was asking about. "I really have no clue and I don't want to get lost or appear as a stupid freshman on their first day of high school, which would be embarrassing." I quickly glanced at her schedule and noticed that we had the same class next. I wondered why she didn't ask someone else though, she had picked me.
"Yea sure, we have the same class actually so just stick with me." She smiled when I said that but I didn't pay attention thinking nothing of it.
"Thanks I really don't know what I would do without you." She smiled at me genuinely showing off her perfect white teeth; she really had an amazing smile. If I wasn't gay I was sure I would have hit on her or something she is what any guy would call "a fine piece of ass".
We made our way through the traffic of the many students who were heading to their next class or going to meet up with friends. Not wanting to make a bad impression by not talking I thought I might as well get to know a little bit more about Lauren. "So what was your other school like?" I asked.
"Pretty much the most uneventful school that there is in this town. Everything about that school was so boring, no dances, no boys which by the way sucked the most, and all the girls were stuck-up bitches." She said in response, she moved her bangs out of her eyes. We made a turn and were heading into the main hall by now.
"The most interesting thing that's happened in this school is when we got vending machines. There were quite some large lines the first couple of days." I smiled and then chuckled. "Still are actually. But as for the girls there are quite a few bitches, most of them being the popular girls."
"Well I'm not jumping into that kind of crowd again, I hated being fake when I was 'popular', I mean don't get me wrong being popular does have its perks but I want to be myself this time." I had gotten her wrong. She wasn't the kind of girl who was going to be a cheerleader and date the jock, the regular clich‚ that movies portrayed. Maybe there was a possibility we would become friends after all. She glanced at me and smiled as if she had heard what I thought.
The next class wasn't far away and we were nearly there. She looked at me, "Thanks for helping me find my next class." She smiled. I'm pretty sure she would have asked someone else but what had made her talk to me, even ask for my help? I guess it could have been my looks but I was self conscious and quickly shrugged that idea off.
"No problem, any time." I smiled back. What had caused this sudden burst of confidence in me that had made me want to talk to her? Usually I would have shied away and not talked and made a complete ass of myself. She sort of had this spark to her, I'm sure she could have gotten a mime to talk if she really wanted to. I should talk more I told myself. "So, if you don't mind me asking but what made you go to a private school in the first place?"
"Well to be honest I had went to this public school in another town and things got pretty messy there, I had this best friend who spread these terrible lies about me," she was staring forward, " and I couldn't escape them, the only way I could was to go to another school. And the only option at the time was a private one." She turned back to me. I silently wondered what these lies were; could they be true whatever they were? I felt I shouldn't press the subject because it might have been a sore one.
"That sucks." I told her. "She must not have been much of a best friend to do such a thing." I couldn't get more in because we suddenly found ourselves at the door of our next class. She went to the teacher and handed her schedule to her while I took my usual seat. The only seat that was available was one at the back of the class, mine was in the front, and I wouldn't get another chance to speak to her, we had no more classes together that I had seen and she had a completely different lunch period than I did. Oh well I told myself I was sure that she would soon forget all about me and our brief period together.
The rest of the school day was pretty much uneventful. I sat at lunch just staring either at my food that I was idly stabbing at with my plastic fork or just staring off not being able to take my mind off the new girl. Andrew noticed my behavior which wasn't much different than I normally act but he knew me well and asked what was up. I told him it was nothing and he didn't question any further. If it was really something he knew I would have told him. "Hey," he said after a moment of silence, "I was going to go to Pizza-Hut later on with a friend and I want you to meet her, do you want to go?" he asked nonchalantly.
"Let me guess." I smiled devilishly at him. "You met this girl and now you want to know what I think. Ha you're such a girl." I joked with him. He gave me a small punch on the arm.
"Shut up man, you know I always want your approval. I want you to like the girls I plan on going out with." He gave me a grin. I rolled my eyes at him. 'Plan on going out with' he said as if they would never say no. This was nothing new he always liked to know what I thought of the girls he liked. I wondered if I would know this girl, however I didn't think at the moment to ask.
"Yea I guess it's not like I have plans or anything." He smiled at me again. Sometimes I wished it would be me he was going out with. It kind of hurt still when I saw how happy he was with whatever current girlfriend he was dating and how I know he had no feelings for me whatsoever other than the ones that made him care for me in a brotherly way. I never regretted telling him about me though. He was probably the only person I trusted, actually, he was.
Whenever he got his heart broken by a girl I was the one there for him, telling him he would find someone and the girl was a slut or tramp trying to console him in some way. It hurt me to see him hurt though and I knew I could never do enough for him but be there. He'd encouraged me to go out with some boys though. I always blushed when he talked about me being gay as if I was embarrassed. He always told me that I had nothing to be ashamed of and that any guy would be lucky to have me. Whatever, I thought. I didn't know any gay guys cause everyone was still in the closet I guess. The people in my school didn't really approve of gays and I'm sure would beat up anyone who was discovered to be one. This was why I was so reluctant to tell Andrew, thinking he was just like every other anti-gay person out there. I hoped one day I would find that person that was meant for me.
Lunch went by and so did the rest of the periods. When that bell rang releasing us I headed towards Andrews car. We always met up here since he would give me rides after school he never did in the mornings though because I had told him I liked to walk. He understood. He met me shortly after and we both hopped into his expensive mustang that his parents had bought him for his sixteenth birthday. I wish I was as lucky. We talked about nothing as we drove to his house quickly passing by houses that I remembered from going to his house so many times. His parents didn't know about me and I wanted to keep it that way. His dad could not stand gays and I hated it when he mentioned them. It was always bitter remarks and how much they don't deserve to live and things like that. No one argued with him, there was no point in it. We headed straight to his room after we greeted his mom who was in the living room. His dad at the moment was at work, he stayed there until midnight. His mom was the sweetest lady I had ever met. She thought of me as another son since me and Andrew spent so much time together. I guess I considered her like a mom though too, so it was mutual. "How was your day at school dears?" she had asked before we headed to his room.
"Well mom," Andrew started, "I met this girl today and I'm going to meet her later on today and introduce her to Jared." His mom smiled widely at him, she had no greater joy than when her son had found someone he was interested in.
"Okay well I hope you have fun I'm going to go run some errands so I'll be gone until your dad gets home." His mom was a nurse and the hospital and they usually needed her, she was pretty important to them. "Don't be out to late and I hope that I meet this girl soon, don't keep her away from me Drew." She smiled and I think her eyes even sparkled.
"See you later Mrs. Handan." I told her before she turned to leave.
"Bye Jared, you boys take care of your selves now." She smiled pleasantly and left without another word.
"So what time are we going to meet this girl of yours?" I asked him looking at the clock on the wall, it displayed 4:07 p.m. "Do I know her by the way?" I realized I hadn't even asked.
He grinned wryly, "I'm going to make it a surprise. So don't ask anymore. We're going to meet up at 5 so we still have an hour." Why did he want it to be a surprise? I knew about every girl in school even if I didn't talk to them so it must be someone who I either did talk to or someone I didn't like, I wonder which it would be. Usually the kind of girls Andrew dated were the ones that were very pretty and a lot of guys drooled over. He was a big flirt when it came to girls. I laugh to myself when I would see him approach a girl and try to be all suave. The girl would by blinded by his looks and go instantly gaga over him. It was funny because he wasn't even smooth, not that he needed to be, but he once tripped up the stairs when going to a girl and I have never let him forget it.
We spent the hour by playing a video game on his PS3, which I lost every time, it didn't even matter what the game was, sports, fighting, etc. When the time came he announced it was time to go and we headed for his car once again. Once inside we got to the place we were meeting at in no time and I was kind of curious as to who this mystery girl was going to be. I really liked pizza, it was my favorite food and I knew that Andrew picked this place because it was somewhere I would enjoy myself I guess; strangely pizza put me in a good mood. We walked in the double doors and the host seated us. Andrew told him we were expecting us and placed us in a booth. We waited to place our order for food and just had drinks, I got a root beer and he got a coca-cola. I sipped on my drink glancing warily at the doors wondering when this girl would show up hoping she wouldn't keep us long. I had to find out more about her before she arrived.
"So are you going to tell me who she is or are you really going to make me wait in suspense until she gets here?" I looked at him and he was grinning "I think I might die of curiosity." I stated.
"They say that curiosity killed the cat." He chuckled.
"So now I'm a cat?" I asked jokingly. "I think I feel insulted. But for real dude you always tell me who the girl is going to be. What is so special about this girl you won't even tell me?" He was drinking some of his Coke and didn't say anything so I decided to keep badgering him.
"So you won't tell me huh? Looks like I'm going to have to guess. Is it Carmen?" As soon as the name came out he spit some of his coke on me without meaning to, I think. "Dude I was just kidding! Calm down." I laughed at his reaction.
"I can't believe you would even say Carmen, she is such a fucking slut. I think she's even fucked most of the boys in the junior class not to mention the senior." He calmed down and then laughed as well. "The reason I don't want to tell you is because I do really want it to be a surprise, she told me when we were in school that she knows you." A girl that new who I was? That meant it was someone I knew, maybe someone who was friendly with me. I didn't know. "Do I know her? Is it someone I talk to?" I asked glad he had disclosed some information.
"I'm not giving anything away, you're just going to have to suffer and wait." He said and it sort of infuriated me. I wanted to know! I guess I should drop it because soon enough she would arrive and the curiosity would end.
"Fine, I guess I will have to suffer." Just then I looked towards the door and noticed that the girl that I had met in first period step through them. She didn't wait for a hostess and went to find a seat. It couldn't be her could it? Of course it would make sense though. She was hot, Andrew was hot, and she did know who I was. My mind was put to ease when she came over and joined us. I couldn't believe it. Andrew wanted to hook up with her, the new girl at school. I guess I would have my chance to become her friend after all. I'm glad there was the possibility that she and Andrew would hook up because that meant she would be with a good guy, not some jerk who just wanted some or just as a trophy prize. Andrew was always serious with his girlfriends. He wore his heart on his sleeve when it came to his girlfriends, something that baffled me because Andrew would never come off as that type of guy but yet I guess when you got to know him it was just who he was, now what was expected of him.
"Jared." She said my name gleefully as she took her seat next to Andrew after he scooted in. Wow she had remembered my name. "It's so good to see you again." She smiled her award winning smile. Now wonder Andrew was attracted to her I bet he literally drooled when he saw her and that dazzling smile of hers. "Andrew here," she glanced at him and motioned with her hand then looked back to me, "told me that you and he were friends and that he wanted to get to know me better. He told me you wouldn't know who was coming here though." So she was in on it. I shot him an angry glance for not telling me it was her but he gave me his most innocent face that he could, but I guess it didn't matter I was sort of glad it was Lauren and not someone else.
I gave her the best smile I could. "Hey Lauren, it's good to see you to. Find the rest of your classes okay?" I asked sincerely.
"Yes thank you again for helping me this morning. After I left second period I found my third period and met Andrew here who showed me to my next class and then the rest after, he was so helpful." She almost said it sarcastically. Andrew looked away turning a little red. "Have you guys ordered yet?"
"No we were actually just waiting for you." Andrew told her. At that moment the waitress came by and took our order. While waiting we chatted more about school. When our food was ready she came and brought it to our table. We had ordered a stuff crust pepperoni pizza, my favorite. Lauren and Andrew were the ones who did all the talking I would join in occasionally saying a word here or there and Lauren would give me these glances as if she was wondering why I didn't say more. I learned a lot about her while we ate, her favorite music, her favorite color, the kind of people she liked to hang out with, and just things she was interested in, we had a lot in common but I didn't say anything. Andrew looked like he was hanging on to every word she said, almost mesmerized. I listened intently hoping she would mention her old private school but she never did.
"So how did you get here?" I asked at one point taking a bite of my pizza afterword.
"My parents dropped me off I told them I was meeting a couple of girlfriends so they wouldn't forbid me to come, they don't like the idea of me hanging out with boys a whole lot." She grinned. "Do you think I could get a ride to my house with you guys?" she asked hopefully.
Andrew answered at once nearly choking on his pizza trying to swallow it down fast enough to reply. "Sure, did you even have to ask? Just tell me where you live when we get to the car." She giggled while he gulped down some of his drink trying to get what pizza hadn't gone down. That was the first time she giggled and it sounded so innocent almost like a five year old girl.
"Okay so now that you know about me, why don't you tell me some things about your selves?" She sipped her sprite. That started another conversation with Andrew talking most of the time. Telling her about the sports he was in and she seemed really interested. Then telling her how he had won a game one time in football for the team and how everyone was proud of him, the coach especially. She was impressed, it was obvious but how could you not be with Andrew, everything about him was impressive. What was there to me? Nothing I was average to say the most. She would look me occasionally wondering when I would stop Andrew from babbling and mention myself. But there was nothing I could say.
I fixed my gaze on something that was occurring on the plasma TV that had caught my attention. A reporter was saying that there had been a terrible accident where an eighteen wheeler didn't have enough time to stop and collided with at least three other cars on the interstate and that there were no survivors; traffic would be backed up for quite sometime. Then my heart was racing. No one noticed that my heart was beating like a hummingbird's wings or that I suddenly was unable to budge, and I was thankful for that. My mind went into a flashback; I saw a green light changing yellow then to red. I heard the roar of a car speeding towards the driver's side of the car showing no sign of ever slowing down. Then there was the guy in the driver's seat that was oblivious to all that was occurring around him reaching to change the radio station, his mind set on only that. To me everything was going by in slow motion. My mouth was open as I sat there in the passenger's seat unable to speak fast enough, to tell him to stop, to get his attention. Then my mind came back to the restaurant were there was a low noise of murmuring as the people conversed. I stood up abruptly and both Andrew and Lauren looked at me surprised by my sudden action.
"Uh, sorry I'm just going to go to the restroom." Andrew shot me a concerned glance and I heard the unspoken question, 'What's wrong?' I didn't give Andrew more of an explanation but just escaped to the men's restroom. I went in and was glad to be in there alone. I went to the sink and placed both hands on each side looking down with sweat starting to form on my forehead, my breathing was ragged as if I had just ran a mile.
It was a curse, I was forced to never be able to forget, and I would have to live with my guilt for the rest of my disgraceful life. I slowly looked at the mirror and froze in place when I didn't see my own reflection facing back at me. Instead it was him there. This boy looking back at me, the face I could never forget; the person who had been in the driver's seat. He had short black hair that came past his ear, his eyes looked lifeless and I couldn't bring myself to stare into them directly. His face had no expression, there was blood slowly trickling from the left side of his head and I blinked hoping the boy would be gone when I opened them back up. He was but I still couldn't bring myself to move. I began to cry softly, tears rolling down my cheek and into the sink. I brought my hands to my face and just cried there for a minute or two until I was able to regain myself. Just disregard what happened I told myself. Just don't think about it, but how could I when the memory was engraved into my head as if it were a concrete slab. I dried my eyes and breathed in a deep breath. I pushed the door open and headed back to the booth. I faked a smile when Andrew looked at me and noticed things were not okay but didn't say anything. I knew he would pester me when we were alone. Lauren must have noticed too because she suddenly asked.
"Are you okay Jared? You look like you've just seen ghost." She was somewhat right. I noticed that my arms and hands had become clammy and that I must have looked pale. I had to relieve them some way.
"It's nothing I just..." I scratched the back of my head and gave them a wry smile. I couldn't think of anything to say, how would I explain the odd way I looked to them, I had to think of a lie even if it wasn't a good one. "I just remembered that I'm failing a class and that my parents have to sign a slip, they're going to kill me." I chuckled weakly. Andrew new better but still said nothing.
"Yea my parents are strict when it comes to my grades they would ground me for a month if I even so much as make below a B minus in any of my classes." I was glad that Lauren had bought the lie.
We had finished our pizza and I had taken one last sip of my root beer before Andrew paid the bill, seeing as he invited us here, and headed to his car. Andrew and I led the way to the parking lot with Lauren on our heels. Andrew had placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze in what was a comforting way but took it off before Lauren could think anything of it. We got to his car and I let Lauren sit in the front to be able to point out when Andrew was getting close to his house and so that she could give him directions, mainly so that I could be to myself. I noticed that Andrew at one point had taken a hold of Lauren's hand; she did not pull back which made me very pleased for my friend. I looked out the window aimlessly, I was thankful to be alone in the back. My mind still on what I had seen in the mirror. I knew I couldn't tell Andrew even though he thought he knew what was making me so sad and miserable. I couldn't bring myself to tell him.
It wasn't long before we were at Lauren's driveway. I looked at the surroundings and noticed this neighborhood wasn't to far from where I lived. I stayed in the car while Andrew got out; he was going to walk Lauren to her door. "Bye Jared, see you tomorrow in first period." She waved a small goodbye and gave me a smile. I smiled back.
"Yea see you." I watched as he held her hand once again and walked slowly to her door as if not wanting to part.
They stood at the door for a moment and I was pretty sure he was saying something like 'I had a great time with you today' I knew what would happen next. And sure enough it did. I looked away wanting them to give them some privacy even if they didn't know I was looking. He kissed her for quite a while; I'm surprised he stopped because I'm sure he would have never gotten tired on that doorstep as long as he was kissing her. I looked back wondering if it had ended at that moment he gave her hand a kiss, aw how romantic' I thought in a sarcastic tone, I chuckled out loud. The lengths he would go to just to ensure a girl liked him. He jogged back to the car when Lauren was safely inside. I had already gotten into the front seat and Andrew was grinning from ear to ear, nothing would make that smile disappear. "Things went well I assume?"
"Yea they did." He held out his hand and showed me where Lauren had written her number. "She wants me to call her later. I'm not going to ask her out just yet, I want us to hang out before I make my move." He said as if he was playing a chess game.
He started to drive, "She seems like a really nice girl Andrew; she's really good for you." I looked at him and then he turned towards me still smiling like a boy who had just received the best gift on Christmas day.
"Really?" he said almost too pleased with my remark. "So you approve then, thank god, I feel like she may really be good for me to. So I want to tell you something." He didn't look at me when he told me this. "She sort of told me she really liked you." This shocked me, I was not expecting that. "She wasn't sure if it was okay that I wanted to you know talk to her just in case that you like her too." He shifted his eyes in my direction and he saw that I was staring back at him. "So I told her that it was cool and that you wouldn't mind, that you had just gone through a hard breakup and weren't ready to date again." He lied for me.
I smiled at him. "Wow." I laughed. "Someone as hot as her liked me?" I asked in disbelief. "I guess I'm not that bad looking after all."
He laughed to, "See I told you that you weren't completely ugly." I punched him. "Okay, okay. Jesus I was just kidding. He rubbed where I had punched him pretending that it had hurt him, as if I could have. We both laughed. His expression abruptly changed from a smile to somewhat of a frown. "When we were at Pizza-Hut, what happened to you?" He asked worried.
My face showed no emotion. "I told you it was nothing." I had said it too feebly. But I shrugged to illustrate that I meant it. "Like I said my grades are dropping and now I have to face my parents, thanks for reminding me jerk." I half- heartedly laughed. His face was still stern.
"Jared you know that I really do love you, but only as a brother." He thought that I was miserable or angry because he was going out with Lauren and not me. We had had many conversations about our feelings and I told him I was ok, I had meant it. I was glad that I and he were best friends and I decided a long time ago that that's all I needed.
"I can't believe that you still think I feel depressed because your straight and I'm gay." I sighed. I looked at him directly in his eyes and what I saw was hurt. He wanted to be gay because he didn't want to hurt me, he only wished that he could return the feelings that I had had for him, I probably still did somewhere in my broken heart that could never be put back together. But that wasn't it. I only wish he would stop beating himself over it and comprehend that I had moved on from that part of my life. "It's not that Andrew... It's just that I-I..." I couldn't let him know, not yet. "It's something that I really can't discuss," I was still looking at him and I still saw how hurt he was because it was something that I wouldn't tell him, something I was keeping from him, "I'm not ready to talk about it, but when I am you'll be the first person I talk to, but now's not the best time." He sighed which meant that he understood. "But I'm over the feelings I had for you, I already have you as my best friend, I don't want to push my luck." I gave him a crooked smile. "Please if you love me, let me tell you in my own time. It's not that I don't want to tell you, I do. I just can't bring myself to..." I looked down into my lap. He stopped the car on the side of the road but I hadn't noticed.
He lifted his arm and with his hand lifted my chin to bring me eye to eye with him again. "I do love you, you know that. And when you want to tell me, whatever it is, know I'm always here for you." He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I mean it. I don't want you to hide anything from me again just because you're scared of my reaction." His face was close to mine and for that moment I was happy. I didn't deserve him. He was too good to me. A pathetic queer who no one could possibly love, so why did he?
"Thanks Andrew, for everything, for being so understanding, for being my friend, and for loving me when no one else does." A tear broke free from my eye. I hated getting emotional around him. It showed my vulnerability and I hated being weak when he was so strong. At that moment he took me in his arms. Like when a brother hugs his younger brother who has just scraped his knee from falling. He was trying to comfort me.
"Jared, don't do this again. You know I'm not the only one who is ever going to love you. You'll find the person who your meant to be with," His hand was rubbing my back, this was the only way he could think to soothe me, "someone who will love you because of who you are and because your someone who deserves to be loved. I hate it when you talk so down on yourself. I bet you think I'm the strongest guy out there, and that I have no weakness, but your wrong. You see how I get with my girlfriends and you're always the one there for me when I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I only hurt myself. I'm the one who should be thankful for you. For a friend who puts me above his own life. So please, just stop beating yourself up." His eyes were slightly watery. I hated to hurt him and that was exactly what I was doing. I didn't want to keep talking about this so I just agreed.
"Ok, I'll do my best to stop." I rubbed my eyes as he leaned away from me and started to drive towards my house again. We didn't talk any more after that and just listened to the radio.
We both needed to think. I stared out the window looking at nothing in particular and just replayed our conversation in my head which I was sure he was doing the same. He was right I guess. I would find someone who loved me more than he did even though that was difficult for me to believe. He had placed his arm around me and it made me feel good, to know that he was here for me. We got to my house and I really didn't want to go back to the hell that was my home. He slowed the car and put it in park in front of my house. He didn't say anything though, he just waited for me to say bye, something I didn't want to do, I felt completely safe with him. I looked at him as I opened the door to get out.
"I love you Andrew." He knew I meant as a friend. But did I? He smiled warmly.
"I love you to Jared. I'll call you when I get home, okay?"
"Okay." And with that I closed the door behind me and he sped off. I looked at him go until he was no longer in view. I sighed; time to go face my parents again, if you could really call them parents.
I walked to the front door and opened it, I was about to shout that I had returned home but instead I heard shouting coming from the kitchen.
"You mother-fucker I can't believe after all that I've fucking done for you that you were cheating on me with some slut! I knew there was always somebody else and now I know I was right!" I stood where I was. They were fighting again but from what I just heard my dad was to blame for this one.
"I want you out of my fucking house and take that fucking loser boy of yours with you, I don't ever want to see you again do you understand! Get the fuck out of my house!" I heard a loud smack and I was sure that my mom had just slapped my dad and it wasn't a small one from the sound of it. There was a short moment of silence. "Get out!"
"Fuck you I don't need a piece of shit like you, I'm leaving not because you tell me to but because I fucking want to, I should have done it a long time ago!" My mom came out of the hallway and looked very pissed. I had never seen her when they were arguing I was usually confined in my room. "Get your shit packed! We're leaving!" Great, I thought.
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This is the first installment of what I hope to be a great story so please tell me what you think.