SNOT-BOY 10
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"SNOT-BOY" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
SNOT-BOY
by Andrej Koymasky © 2019
written on May 1st 1990
Translated by the Author
English text kindly revised by J.O. Dickingson
CHAPTER 10
DISAPPEARED
Julien was reading one of Alexandre's books when a gaoler opened the door to his cell and his friend entered. He had a satisfied expression and, going near Julien, said, "In about one week, I will be free. Do you see that to frequent the beds of the right people one always gains. If you too agreed to go with one or two citizens I know, you too would soon be free. Moreover, one of them is not bad at all, and I know that he likes you."
"No, Alexandre. You do know how I feel about that..."
"But in this way you risk getting mouldy in here, always if all goes well for you."
Those last words resounded sinisterly in Julien's ears, and he weighed them in silence, serious and tense. If all did not go well, it would mean the guillotine.
His friend continued, "And then, it is not said that here you don't risk being raped again, especially when I will no longer be here..."
"How do you know about it?"
"I told you, my friend, I have my information sources. And I also know that more than one man has laid his eyes on you and I am afraid that sooner or later, by hook or by crook, you will have to submit to somebody's attentions. If on the contrary it was you to make up your mind, and to choose the right person, it would be different, do you not understand?"
Julien was troubled. He knew that his friend was right and yet he didn't want to agree to have intercourse with others except his beloved. To be raped was for sure not a merry thing, and neither was the idea to spend in the gaol months... nor years. He was torn. Alexandre guessed the battle that was happening inside his friend and, on instinct, he withdrew and kept silent.
After a while Julien, looking at his friend and meeting his eyes, asked, "But if I agreed to make love with a stranger just to be able to leave from here, if I agreed not to belong only to my Luc, what would be the difference? It would be all the same. I can go to bed with whomever. If I want to cheat my love, it is not enough the pretext I do it just to be free. Either I prostitute myself, or I remain faithful to my Luc."
"Don't you think there could be a middle way?" Alexandre suggested with a smile.
"I don't know. I cannot see it."
"And by the way, am I a prostitute, as you say?"
"No, you do not have a lover. And anyway, each person makes his choices."
"So, you think that your Luc is faithful to you."
"I do not know, and I do not care. I can decide for myself I want to be faithful to him, I cannot decide for another."
"If he cheated on you, would you not be sad?"
"I do no know... I do not think... at least as long as he does not desert me."
"I cannot understand you. Besides, the fact that to me the same concepts of faithfulness, loyalty are completely out of fashion. Especially in these times. But if faith has to be kept, it must be for both or for no one. It is not right to make two weights and two measures. It is not right to be biased in one's judgement."
"I can possibly be wrong, but I feel that my Luc is faithful to me."
"I hope yours is not just a hope, an illusion. When desire seizes you, especially when you are separated, principles often turn upside down with extreme easiness. And we become really skilled in finding the pretexts to justify what we are doing."
They looked in each other's eyes. Alexandre's eyes had like a flashing and he added, "Anyway... I regret you do not feel like making love with me again, Jul... Marc."
"Do not think it is easy. At times, looking at you, I too feel seized by desire. You are really sensual, very sexy. And the fact I know that you too desire me, makes it all even more difficult, believe me."
"But then, why do you not let yourself go?"
"I belong to Luc, nowadays. I explained that to you. Is that so difficult to understand? I cannot give to others what is no more mine. It seems logical to me."
"I could possibly be fatuous, but I do not see things in such a melodramatic way. Each one remains his own master and cannot belong to another, unless he is a slave."
"Love, then, possibly makes us slaves."
"If it is so, then, hurrah for freedom and down with love!"
"No. The day when you too will fall in love, you will understand that it is not so. Love makes slaves and sovereigns at the same time."
"Ah, I am no philosopher," Alexandre said with a soft laughter, making a gesture with his hand as if chasing away something in front of his face. A noise at the door caused them to become silent.
A gaoler entered. "Citizen Varennes, follow me."
Alexandre bent toward Julien and whispered, "Another of my admirers, without any doubt," and followed the man.
Julien, now alone, thought again of all they had said. Yes, Alexandre did attract him very much, but to him Luc was everything. Even though they were so different in origins, education and culture, he could feel they were made one for the other. He closed his eyes and pictured in his mind his lover's body. His own body reacted at once to that image and became aroused, burning with desire. He was so plunged in these so beautiful and so painful sensations, when the door to the cell opened again and a man with a cockade entered. The man went near Julien and stared in his eyes. The door was closed behind the man's back with a loud bolting noise.
"You really are a gorgeous boy as I was told," the stranger said with a pleased smile.
He drew nearer to Julien and put his hand between the boy's legs and fingered there, feeling and testing the boy's erection. Julien jolted back while in the man's face appeared a lusty and wicked smile.
"You already are awake, I can feel. Don't avoid me. Anyway we are shut in here and they will open only when I tell them. I like you, boy. Undress."
"No, citizen," Julien answered, looking straight in his eyes and backing farther.
The man, pulling off his overcoat and throwing it on a chair, went again near the boy. "Oh yes, for sure. If you will be easy with me, you could only get benefits. Undress, boy. I want you."
"If you want me, you have to try to take me by force. But, I warn you. I will oppose you with all my energies."
"Come on, nice young male! You know that if I want I really could have you held fast and take you at my pleasure, don't you? Be sensible, undress, it will not be bad, you'll see."
"Stop it! Don't touch me!"
"It's I the one to give orders in here. You are just a prisoner. If I so decide, I can send you to the guillotine, don't you know? But, if I want so, I can also free you. It depends only on your behaviour. What do you choose?"
"I'd rather prefer the guillotine, citizen, then submitting to your obscene lust."
"Ho, ho, how noble! But also how naive. I want you, and I'll have you. I'll bend you, you'll see. It will be enough some fasting, some lessons with the lash, and it will be you who will be begging me to take you. Nobody, never, has succeeded in slipping out of my hands, remember. And if you compel me to take you with force, afterwards there will anyway be the guillotine. Is it not better for you to surrender at once?"
"It could be as you say, but you will never have me with my will. You can also do what you like with my body, but I remain free. Even if you rape me, even if you kill me. And nothing can shelter you from my contempt."
The man, picking up again his overcoat from the chair, went to the door and knocked, then turned toward Julien and said, with a low and sharp voice, "See you soon, imbecile."
Alone again, Julien sat on the edge of his bed. His heart was beating strongly, and his head whirled. He could possibly never again see his Luc because of that refusal. Just that made him depressed, but he didn't repent for his reaction. He had signed his own death sentence, but he could not have acted differently. Little by little he calmed down and when Alexandre came back, he was already and again serene and quiet.
As soon as his friend entered the room, he said to Julien, "I warned him beforehand that he would for sure receive a refusal from you, hoping that he would not try with you. Now he is furious. I really fear he will make you pay for what you have done. You really are crazy... If you had accepted to stay with him, you would have solved all your problems, he is a very powerful judge."
Julien didn't answer.
Then Alexandre sat near him. "On one side, I admire you, do you know? He said he felt you were aroused and yet you refused him. I would never have done such a thing. That really made him furious. To try to help you, I told him that, for what I knew, you never made love with a man. But I am afraid I made a mistake, as this made him desire even more to have you. He is not a sadistic man, for what I know, and it is even pleasurable making love with him. He does not have a too big endowment, and he knows how to use it. But now he has put in his head the idea he has to take you at any cost, and in one way or the other, he will do it. Believe me."
"He could have my body, but not me. Do you think he will like to couple with a corpse?"
"You are not thinking, by chance, to put an end to your life?"
"No, possibly not. I do not know if I would have the means, or the courage. But to him I will be like a corpse. And not without fighting to the last bit of strength I will have."
"You are a hero, or you are a fool."
"Perhaps there is not so much difference is there? Perhaps I am the one and the other, perhaps neither."
"Tell me something - he said he felt you were aroused. How is that? Not for him, I presume."
"Certainly not. I was thinking of my Luc when he entered and touched me."
"It was to be guessed. But... do not you think of other than him?"
"Oh yes, I think several things. But he is always there, with all my thoughts."
"He must be an extraordinary boy, to have charmed you so much, and you would rather lose him than to cheat on him. I really cannot understand you. If I really could have a so wonderful lover, I would rather cheat on him than lose him."
"Yes, he is extraordinary, he is wonderful, and even more than that. But if I cheated on him, I could no longer feel I belong to him and so I would lose him. If I cheated on him, it would be my choice, so I would be guilty. If I lose him now, it is a choice of other people, the guilt of other people."
"And yet, you made love with me when you already had met him."
"Yes, that is true. But I had not yet accepted his love, I had not yet understood it, I did not yet belong to him and neither him to me."
"I would like to meet this demigod of yours, this superhuman being."
"He is no demigod and he is very human. He has his flaws, like any of us. He is very beautiful, but not perfect. Intelligent, but has his limits. But he is my Luc, and that is enough, and makes him unique."
"More than the words you are saying is the light that is in your eyes that makes me guess how very precious this boy is to you. You talk about him and you are transformed. If it was up to me, it would be enough to free you and let you go back to him. But that man... I really fear he will make you regret your refusal. He is not wicked, I think, but terribly proud. And also stubborn. And powerful - he is nowadays one of the most influential men in the magistracy of the new Republic."
"You once told me that neither the King nor the Pope can prevent somebody from loving. Is he perhaps more powerful than them?"
"No, certainly not. But he can prevent you from living, from seeing again your Luc."
"But not from loving him. That is enough to me. If I surrender to his yen, to his demands, it will be me to feel unworthy of Luc. As you can see, there is no way out."
"I would like to help you, my poor Julien. I would really like to be able to help you. You make me feel so much tenderness. But here, I am lucky if I can just help myself."
"In one week you will be free, is it not so?"
"So my protector promised me. Let us hope he is not deceiving me."
"You seemed so sure about it, Alexandre. What happened?"
"I do not know. I hope that the judge, angry because of your refusal, will not take his revenge also on me."
"I regret that, my friend. But I cannot help it. I cannot change my mind, can you understand?"
"Certainly, I understand. And I am asking you nothing. If I really had the power to ask you something, I would try to persuade you to make again love with me," his friend answered with a gentle smile.
"And yet, you do not miss occasions to amuse yourself, even in here. At least according to what you have told me. Why have you set your heart on me?"
"It is certainly as you say. I have at least six lovers in here. From the coarse Marot to the refined Denouel, from the young Charriere to the mature Tourette, from the powerful Maximilien to the poor Des Noillet... But you are something special. Perhaps for the fact you do not want me any more, I desire you even more. Or possibly because I feel you are more akin to me than the others, I do not know. With the others I amuse myself, give vent to my needs and obtain something in exchange. If it were not for that I would possibly not stay with them, except Charriere. But you really are special."
"What do you plan to do, when you become free?"
"I do not know. I will possibly become Maximilien' s lover, at least as long as he does not get tired of me. What can an aristocrat who has lost everything do? Of course not manual work. But what else? I really have no idea. But I will live, and I will succeed in becoming a man of some importance, if only luck assists me."
"I wish you to succeed, my friend. These are hard times. All is changing and not one of the old certitudes has any more value."
"And yet, I feel it, all will be like before... But you, what are your plans for your future?"
"If I will have a future... I will go abroad with my Luc and will work with him."
"You will work? You, an aristocrat?"
"I will work. Julien de Jambville does not exist any more, he died in his castle, on the night of the assault. Marc Teissier can do work, can he not? And at Luc's side any work will be a very noble thing, believe me."
"And what if Luc was not waiting for you? Or if one day he gets tired with you? If you, going out from here did not find him anymore?"
"And what if now an earthquake came and we died buried amongst these walls?"
"What do you mean?"
"That all can possibly happen, but there is no answer before that, so it is useless to think about it."
"But if you had not met your lover, you would anyway have lived, is it not so?"
"I could possibly have been killed in my bed on the night of the castle assault. Moreover, to reason with "if's" has no sense. The reality is what we now have, not what could have been and neither what could one day possibly be."
"But your reality now is that you are in danger because of your refusal. Mégot is a vindictive person, I warned you."
"Never mind!"
"But how can you be so... so... I cannot define you. You are risking to lose your freedom, perhaps even your life, and to lose your Luc so important to you, and you do nothing. You just wait."
"I wait."
"I ... I fight for my life. Do not smile, I fight, even at times bending to the lust of who has the power, but doing so I bend them to my whim."
"A river fights flowing, a mountain fights standing still at its place. Can you say that one of them fights more than the other?"
"You and your philosophy!" Alexandre exclaimed, cutting off that speech.
After a while Julien asked him, "May I ask you a courtesy?"
"Certainly."
"When you are out from here, will you look for Luc Teissier and, if you find him, tell him about me? Just remember, Julien de Jambville does exist no more, for anybody. I am Marc Teissier."
"I will do it willingly, my friend."
On that same evening Julien was taken by the guards in a closed coach and moved to an underground cell in another prison.
While Julien was being taken away, Alexandre whispered to him, "May God help you, dear friend. I will never forget you."
The new cell was narrow, dark and damp. There was no window, besides the spy hole on the small and massive door. Julien laid down on the bare plank bed, trying to settle somehow, and waited. At times he dozed off, at times he was awake. No noise penetrated to the cell, no sound, no sign of life. Were they leaving him die in there? Who knows how it would be to die of starvation?
He recalled Luc and saw again his beautiful, luminous and warm body, his perfect proportions, and felt a sweet warmth enveloping and permeating him. He was not afraid. He didn't feel any emotion besides that blissful sensation thinking of his beloved.
Time was passing, at times seeming very slow, almost still, at times fast. Missing any external reference made it impossible for him to assess the exact rhythm of time. He just began to feel a gradually increasing hunger and thirst, growing little by little and starting to torment him, and this allowed him to guess that many hours had to have passed, perhaps days, but he could not know how many.
He was awoken from his drowsy state by a sudden clanging at the door of his cell. The bolts were being pulled open. He remained still, his eyes closed. He heard the door close again.
Then a voice said, "So, then, still determined to refuse?"
Julien kept still and didn't answer. However, when he felt a hand alighting between his legs and trying to feel him, he literally sprang from the plank bed and, opening his eyes, saw the hard face of the other, his staring eyes lightened by a grim smile.
"Little wild boy! You are not yet tamed, but you'll see that it will be you to beg me to use your body. You will remain here in the dark, without food or drink, until you surrender."
"Sooner or later they will have to hold my process," Julien said in a challenging tone.
"Wrong. I am the chief examining magistrate, and your file has disappeared. Your trial will never happen. You don't exist anymore, you will be forgotten here. I am the only one who can take you out from here, but I will do that only after you ask me to take you for my pleasure."
"You will have only my corpse."
"Oh no, you will surrender before that."
"Don't be so sure of it. You will certainly not bend me with hunger nor with tortures."
"It is not time of tortures, this, we life in a civilized era nowadays. But you have given me a good idea. I know a couple of fellows who, for few coins, would be ready to break all your bones... I will ask them, instead, to break your arse. What do you think of that?"
"You can do as you like, but you will never get a 'yes' from me. You can bend my body, but never my will."
"You aristocrats are always filled with conceit, with pride. But you will see, I will bend you, bend your will. If I wanted to possess just your body, I could already have had you kept still and taken you. But I want to tame your spirit, your will. I want you to beg, to implore me to take you."
"Do you want to possess also my soul?" Julien asked with sarcasm.
The man smiled ominously. "Soul? Doesn't exist. But you will become my object. You will do anything I demand of you. I'll use your body as long as it pleases me ... then I'll throw you away."
Julien shook his head, slightly smiling. "You are really ridiculous, are you not aware?"
The man's eyes flared up in a temper, and with a jolt he seized Julien's arm and gave a strong backhand to his face. Then, grasping his vest and shirt by the chest front with both hands, and slightly raising him from the floor and shaking him, he hissed in his face with range, "I'll make you pay also for that, little worm. After I have amused myself with you, I will make you become the whore of all Paris prisons, I swear. I will pardon one week of prison to any criminal for each time he throws his rod into your arse! They will queue for it, you'll see!"
The man dropped the boy and backed up one pace, continuing to look at him with threatening eyes, and then, with a tone again normal, added, "If you had said to me 'yes' at once, you could now be free and respected. You did wrong in challenging me, boy, really wrong. You will curse your 'no' for all your life, I swear. And I will take care so that you will live for a very long time!"
So having said, he made the guards open the door and left, taking away the lantern, so that Julien was again in the most total darkness. The boy sat on his plank bed. He recalled how he had been raped in his second cell and tried to imagine what it could mean to undergo that same treatment not just once, not just from one man, but several times each day, from hordes of men, day after day.
"It is just a physical thing, and the body gets use to all!" he shouted in the darkness, then added with a low voice, "But you can never reach my soul, you can never have it. I will always and only belong to Luc, I ..."
And slow, bitter tears streamed down his cheeks.
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 11
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