Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all the emails!! Here's a list of all the people I can remember (god, I sound complacent don't I?); Wayne, Dusty, Robert, Josh, Dane, Ry, Jeremy, Jai (and his friends), err, half pint guy...now some really special ones;
David; he writes Sins and Saviours, so read it because it's really good. AK W; he wrote something really good, I'm sure, but anyway, he's Australian, so I like him already. JJ; he writes sans vous je suis rien, and that was kinda the reason I really started this, so if you're liking this story, you'll love his. Go on, read it!! Christopher Burns; I've read chance meeting since it began, I've always liked it. Read it and make me proud!!
I don't know how many else of you know how great it is to get good comments from other writers you respect, but I feel ecstatic!!
Oh, one more thing, I love all the music I mention in this story, so go out and have a listen. You may just like it.
Disclaimer; This story in no way means to imply the respective sexualities or personalities of the featured celebrities, nor do I know any of them. If I did would I be WRITING this stuff?
Something Like Justin Chapter Three- Growing
A dull pain propagating from my shin forced my eyes open. I lay upon the tangled sheets in yesterday's clothes, still ripe with sweat and smoke: Joe's tiny frame spread to one side of me, his thick trainer pressing against my leg answering my question of hurt. I sat up and rubbed my leg, wishing that he had more peaceful sleep. Wiping the sleep from my eyes and giving a dog-like yawn, soundless and emphasized by my sweeping head movement, I prized myself from the bed and skipped to the ensuite bathroom to relieve myself. Once I had finished, I returned to the bedroom to find Joe sitting upright on the bed pushing his fingers through his hair.
"Hey honey!" Joe said cheekily, taking a stab at Britney for her constant usage of the word.
I shrugged a laugh and returned to the bed, throwing myself down onto its warmth and sighing heavily.
"It was a good night, wasn't it?" I asked plainly.
"Yeah, great." Joe sang in over enthusiasm, "Even if you didn't wake up with the right man."
"Thanks." I laughed, "I don't think there's any future where he's concerned."
"No?" Joe shrieked, adding, "I suppose there is the whole Britney thing."
"Yeah, a small matter." I said cynically, "Do we have to work today?"
"Err, no. Day off." Joe was so much better than a diary, "I'm going to take a shower."
"Fine. Use me and leave me." I smiled. He left the room chuckling to himself.
I consulted the alarm clock and realized it was one o'clock in the afternoon. Praising convenient days off and the luxury of a switched off alarm, I fell back onto the bed, screwing up the sheets under my legs. The havoc of the telephone pulled me from any threadbare reverie.
"Hello." I said in the brightest tone I could muster.
"Hi." An uncertain voice floated through the wires, "It's Chris."
"Ditto." I laughed.
"I was wondering if I could speak to Emily?"
"Oh," A smug smile crossed my features, "I'm not sure if she's up. I'll go check."
I skipped merrily to Emily's door across the passage from mine and knocked voraciously.
"Wake up, wake up!" I screamed through the wooden panelling.
"What!" She moaned angrily at me as the door was opened.
"You have a phone call from Chris." I swayed slightly as I said it, like an excited child, innuendo heavy in my voice.
"Huh?" She creased her brow, trying to comprehend what I was saying, "Oh! Right. It's in your room? You can hang out in here if you like." She rushed across to my room.
I trudged into her room and threw open the curtains, sucking in the busy scene outside. The day was already well progressed and the sight of activity made me feel guilty at sleeping in, whilst inspiring me to get out and do something. A few moments later Emily came into the room and said,
"Justin's on the phone." She licked her lips suggestively, "And he wants to talk to you."
"Fuck off." I cried happily as I ran back into my room. Picking up the receiver, I said breathily, "Hello?"
"Ooh, did I just get switched to an adult line?" Justin laughed.
"Shut up." I protested, lightly cursing myself for sounding so girlish when I'd said it, "I was just out of breath."
"Oh well, and there I was feeling all lucky."
"You're very bright this...afternoon." I retorted, that awkward feeling infecting my brain.
"It was a good night last night." He replied simply.
"Yes, I enjoyed it." I agreed, "If not for the accusations thrown at me." I laughed.
"I apologise. I can get a bit overprotective sometimes." He said seriously.
"I can be a bit too dubious." I muttered.
"How do you mean?"
"Like I said; you've got to learn not to take me too seriously."
"I don't see why you have to hide behind your jokes."
"Sorry?" I said anxiously.
"Well, you're like that so that no one can get too close."
"If you say." I said stiffly.
"I just want to be your friend." Justin said softly, "I'm sorry if I've upset you."
"You haven't." I said sweetly, "I just need to know I can trust people before I, you know, open myself to them."
"You can trust me." I could hear the tentative smile in his face.
"Thanks." I said, and then shook myself from the odd, sharing feelings and asked lightly, "So, do you live with Chris?"
"Oh, no." He laughed, "I just ended up at his with the rest of the guys."
"What about Britney?" I frowned.
"She had to get home for work."
"It must've been annoying." I sympathised, even though I seemed to be cheering in my head.
"Not really, it was good to spend the time with the guys."
"You're a very understanding boyfriend." I smiled, "She's lucky to have you."
"Yep. She is." He laughed, "I'm sure she'll offload me onto some unfortunate in a while."
"Well, tell her to have me in mind." I said bravely, "I could use someone like you around."
"For my wit and charm?" Justin flirted, "Or my shockingly good looks?"
"No, I could just borrow your clothes all the while." I chuckled.
"You really like my clothes?"
"They're great." I enthused, "So many people wear really boring clothes, but yours are fun and interesting."
"Thanks." He said, "I'll have to take you out shopping one day. I've found someone of similar tastes."
"Oh, I'm sure we'll find something we disagree upon." I said knowingly.
Joe emerged from the bathroom wearing track pants and a white towel around his neck. His hair stood out from his head randomly.
"Already calling the next guy to spend the night with?" Joe shouted so that Justin could hear.
"Huh?" Justin perplexed into my ear.
"Joe spent the night in my room." I explained quickly, then covered the mouthpiece, scolding Joe, "It's Justin."
"So, I was right." Joe laughed. I frowned, unable to stop the grin forming on my lips.
"Sorry about that." I said to Justin, "You can choose your friends..."
"But not your band mates." He finished, chuckling, "Do you want to do something soon?"
"I don't know; we don't all get time off at the same time, so I'm not sure when we'll next be free."
"No," He cut short my rambling, "I meant you and me."
"Oh." I chirped, "Err, yes, I'd like that." I bit my lip slightly, feeling awkward again.
"I've got Tuesday afternoon off."
"Tuesday afternoon..." That was a few days away. I looked pleadingly at Joe.
"You're free." He snipped.
"I'm free." I said excitedly into the phone, causing Joe to burst out laughing.
"Great. I'll come by your hotel and we can work out what to do."
"Okay, fine. I look forward to spending time with someone who's not in my band." I grinned at Joe.
"See you later." Justin said pensively.
"Yeah, see you." I simulated his tone.
I sat at the round table in the corner of the café with my friends, sitting close and forming an eerily private environment between our faces in that busy, crowded establishment. Our hands hugged the warm mugs appreciatively.
"You've got a date!" Stephanie exclaimed after I had related my plans for Tuesday, the next day.
"It's not a date." I replied angrily, knowing that I could all too easily be swept away on the tide of optimism.
"You have to admit it Chris; Just you, Justin and a sunset." Ash said dreamily, "Sounds like a date to me."
"I don't even know if it'll be that private." I argued, "I mean, we could be going to a party or something."
"As a couple?" Emily asked, "That still sounds like a date."
"It's not a date." Joe said thoughtfully.
"Thanks." I said firmly, "At least someone's being sensible."
"It's not a date, because he'll jump you the moment your back is turned." Joe chuckled manically.
"Shut the fuck up." I laughed, thinking that, in a purely fantasy frame of mind, I wouldn't mind that turn of events at all.
"Look Chris." Ash stressed, "He wants you alone. Even if it's not a date, he obviously wants to get to know you."
"Yeah, look on the bright side." Emily said.
"He just wants to be a friend I guess." Stephanie smiled, "Remember, they did say that they didn't get to make new friends all that often."
"I guess." I said quickly, and then smiled at Emily, "But someone will definitely be dating a member of N Sync soon I imagine."
"What?" Emily protested in an unconvincing voice.
"Come on! You were hanging around Chris like a cold the other night." Ash chuckled.
"Nice analogy." Emily dead panned, "As it happens, Chris and I are still exploring a friendship."
"Even though you were laying it on a platter that night." I smirked.
"I wouldn't say I was laying it on a platter..." Emily trailed off.
"Even so, you have to admit that you were showing some interest." Stephanie smiled.
"Well, yeah." Emily said vaguely, "He is cute..."
"And funny."
"Well dressed."
"Well hung." We all looked quizzically at Joe, "What?" He protested, chuckling away to himself.
"Whatever..." I rolled my eyes and asked nobody in general, "So have we heard anything from management about...anything?"
"They want us to stay in New York for another week. They reckon they've got quite a few publicity things for us to do here, and they thought we'd like a few days off as well. Oh, and, uh, they called about the TRL thing." Ash said cautiously.
"They did?" Joe moaned, "What did we do wrong?"
"Nothing." Ash quickly replied, "They just said that it was a job well done."
"Strange," Emily pondered, "They don't usually call to congratulate us like that."
"It was our first TV appearance..." I brain stormed.
"Just one thing." Ash added in a lower tone, "They said that our performance was a bit, err, heavy."
"You mean we scared some of the viewers or something?" Joe laughed.
"Actually, MTV got some complaints from parents."
"What?" I couldn't help but laugh slightly.
"I suppose we were a bit risqué." Stephanie wondered aloud. She had this very empathetic streak in her, and, had she not joined the band, was planning on being on a nurse.
"But they should have expected it." Emily brushed it off, "I mean: we're not like a kid's band are we?"
"Anyway, it may do us some good." Ash furthered, "I mean with the slight controversy and all; according to management."
"Well, we can't be expected to change our songs just for TV." I said bluntly.
"We might have to, in future." Ash said, "Because there may not be many shows that could feature us if the normal performance is too much for the audience."
"I guess we have to make compromises." Emily muttered, "I mean, as long as we keep the sentiment, even if we clean up the words a bit and tone down the deliverance."
"I mean, it's like; what is our objective?" Joe morphed into seriousness, "Is it to make a living or be true to ourselves?"
"I'd personally feel like shit if I couldn't perform the way I wanted." I downed the last of my coffee.
"But you'd be eating shit if we didn't make some money." Joe stated.
"Okay; compromise it is." I sighed, "I guess it won't be too bad, but it'll be so distracting worrying about how we are coming across when we perform."
"Why don't you take some pointers from your new boyfriend?" Joe droned. All that deserved was a death stare.
"Come on, we'd best finish up." Stephanie announced primly, "we have an interview in about half an hour."
The remaining caffeine was quickly consumed, leaving the ringed mugs isolated on the plain table, accompanied by the fan of coins we left as a tip, along with a hurriedly drawn picture of a pig, which was Joe's contribution.
The blessed tones of Becoming by Pantera reverberated around the square confines of my hotel room as I stumbled about, pulling on a pair of loose jeans and stripping my closet for something attractive to cover my torso. I had a few minutes before Justin would show and was split between wearing something obviously special to improve my appearance, or to wear something a bit casual to make it more of a "matey" kind of image. The knocking on the door eventually cut through the beating guitar riffs.
"Hi, hi, hi." I spilled my greeting as I opened the door, having quickly thrown on an old, woollen jumper.
"Did I come at a bad time?" Justin smiled.
"Huh?" I returned the smile, but with a dazed expression.
"The music." Justin's smile became cheeky.
"Shut up." I grinned, "Just because I have broad musical tastes." Nevertheless, I skipped to the hi-fi and extracted the CD.
"Are you ready to go?" Justin inquired behind me.
"Shit no! I'm still not dressed." I laughed, slipping Pearl Jam, Vs into the CD tray.
"You have interestingly coloured skin, and a lot of body hair." Justin chuckled, "If you aren't dressed, that is."
"Oh, no, I just meant I haven't decided what to wear." I needlessly explained.
"Wear what you've got on." Justin grinned, "You look great."
"I look like a jumble sale!" I exclaimed, "This jumper is so old, I think it can remember where it was when Kennedy was shot."
"Really, you look fine." Justin recovered from giggling, "Anyway, dressed like that, no one will recognise you, so we won't have to worry about being mobbed by little girls."
"Huh?" I choked, "I think you were referring to yourself just then."
"No," He stopped, "Well, obviously that could happen to me too, but I meant you."
"No." I said with disbelief, beginning to sing quietly along to 'Animal'.
"Since your performance on TRL, I've been hearing that the youth of America is quite taken with you." Justin insinuated.
"Ugh." I screwed up my face in disgust, "I mean, it's kind of flattering, but, ugh."
"Bound to happen." Justin smirked at my disgust.
"Whatever." I brushed it off, removing the remarkable Eddie Vedder from the CD tray, "Let's be off. Where are we going, anyway?"
"I thought that we could do some window-shopping. Maybe go to the pool or the courts."
"Tennis?" I giggled, "'Cos I'm ceded first in the World, you know."
"Not tennis; basketball." Justin rectified me, "And I'm ceded first in the World in basketball, so we have something in common."
"Well, if we're swimming, I'll have to get my gear." I blushed, hoping that we wouldn't get round to it. I hated swimming because I had quite a few body issues.
"Okay, I'll meet you in the car out front." Justin called after me.
The afternoon began pleasantly, even if Justin did try to annoy by playing Missy Elliot in the car. He was delighted to find out that my music tastes really were broad and I liked M. Elliot's style. I started a conversation with him about Jurassic 5, which seemed to impress him somewhat. Window-shopping was fun, even if it became real shopping when Justin started buying clothes that I pointed out to him. I bought some hair colour wash and promised him that next time he saw me, I would be Chris the red. We took a while looking in a music shop as we offered snippets of our musical histories with one another as we found items that sparked memories, and started throwing CDs at one another, attempting to impress our tastes on one another. We ended up back in Justin's car as he insisted we go swimming. I expected to see a large sports centre to welcome us, but he drove further and further out, away from the busy suburbs.
"Where are we going?" I grilled him.
"Like I said; swimming." He grinned.
"Okay, so where's the swimming pool?"
"Who needs a swimming pool?" He said like it was the most obvious turn of events.
I shot him a look of utter amazement and confusion, turning to wind down my window and let the breeze momentarily distract. It was beautifully fresh, flavoured faintly with salt, biting at my skin with a slight sharpness. I recognised the feeling almost instantly.
"We're going to the seaside?" I excited so much that I sounded childish.
"Yep." He grinned at my response, "We're going to the beach."
"Wow. I haven't been to the beach for so long." I enthused, pausing when I noticed the fading light, "It's getting a bit dark, isn't it?"
"Not too dark." Justin argued, "Anyway, we're going somewhere that they have lights. If we want them, that is."
"In the sea? Cool." I replied wondrously, adding thoughtfully, "I should have brought a bucket and spade..."
"You're so funny." Justin giggled at me.
"What? I loved to build sand castles when I was little." I protested.
"Me too." Justin agreed, "I just wouldn't have the guts to admit it now."
"Look, you were the one telling me to be more open to people." I smiled.
"But we all have secrets." Justin said pensively, "Even the people who seem transparent."
"Maybe you can share some of those with me some day." I encouraged gently.
"Maybe." A smile gradually formed on his lips.
The resultant silence, although comforting to begin with began to distract me, so I flicked on the radio. 'Cherry Lips' by Garbage swam out of the device to my ears, and I remembered how I imagined the song could have been written about Justin a couple of years earlier.
'You're such a delicate boy, In an hysterical realm Of an emotional landslide In physical terms
'With your cherry lips and golden curls You could make grown men gasp When you'd go walking past them In your hot pants and high heels They could not believe That such a body was for real It seemed like rainbows would appear Whenever you came near the clouds would disappear Because you looked just like a girl Your baby blues would flash And suddenly a spell was cast'
Smiling at the absurd thought of Justin in high heels and hot pants, I reconsidered my theory. What I had known of Justin before I met him was that he was a good-looking guy from a boy band. Of course, that was after he had shaved his hair off and started to wear really provocative clothes. Before that he had been a very young seeming member of another annoying boy band, famous in Britain only for 'Bye, Bye, Bye' and being a suspected replica of the Backstreet Boys. It was strange how destiny dealt with our lives.
"What?" Justin grinned at me.
"I was just thinking; you seem to have changed a lot in the past year or so."
"Have I?" He smiled.
"Well, from what I know. The first thing I knew of N Sync, you were kind of the kid. You know, err, cute and innocent." I felt stupid telling him that he was cute, "But now, it seems like you're the one that everyone wants. And the most musically inclined."
"You're saying that I grew up?"
"I guess." I pondered, "Well, of course you've grown up; it's been a few years, hasn't it? I just meant that it seemed to happen real quick."
"Because I lost my curls?" Justin said in a baby voice and batted his eyelids.
"Okay, okay. I know I'm being superficial."
"Don't worry about it." He said.
"It's just strange, because it's not like normal when you make friends." I fought for an explanation, "I mean, you'll get to know about my past from me and my friends, and photographs, but what I know of you before I knew you properly was kind of processed. But even though I know it wasn't all true, it's difficult to just dismiss it."
He looked at me carefully with an amused smile gracing his lips.
"You really are funny, you know?" He asked warmly, "It's a very attractive quality."
"Thanks." I said stiffly, uncertain of the intention of his words.
"Hey, we're here." Justin announced brightly, destroying the intimate atmosphere that had filled the space within the metal cage of his car.
The place where we swam turned out to be in a bay with a bar and various huts along the beach, reminding me of those idealised snapshots of desert island style holidays. The water was calm, but still retained a pleasing motion as the waves rolled in, lifting us above one another in its progression as we played around with inflatable balls and the like.
It was fairly busy to begin with, but gradually the sparse patrons began to filter away as it grew later and the bright floodlights were illuminated. The light filtered through the water, attributing it with an ethereal appearance, as if we were suspended in a blue fog rather than an encompassing liquid. We were alone, except for the devoted bar man stationed in the wooden cabin a little way from us on the clear sand.
"I've had a great time." I smiled at Justin from a few feet away.
"Good. It was supposed to work out that way." He grinned and splashed water in my face, prompting a bout of spluttered laughter from me.
"You look like a disembodied head." I called back before returning the prank.
"You too."
"We should bring the others here sometime." I suggested, knowing that my friends, who I was slowly beginning to feel included Joey, Chris, Lance and JC, would enjoy it.
"Maybe," Justin began hesitantly, looking in my eyes for a reaction as he added, "But it's nice to have somewhere just between two people."
"I guess." I returned his wary stare, "Like a shared secret."
"That's what this will be then." He affirmed, "Our secret."
"So nobody else knows that you come here?" I asked with disbelief, "Not even Britney?"
"No," He looked away when I said her name, "It's nice to have time away from the others once in a while."
I marked his choice of words. He didn't refer to her singularly. She was one of the guys as far as he was concerned. I swam over to him and bobbed about in the tide before him.
"I agree." I whispered.
"So. This is our secret." Justin finalised, "Kind of like a den..."
"But more like a public swimming facility." I finished for him, earning a smile for my troubles. "So, what do we do now?"
"Hmm, not sure." Justin said with a blank face.
"Let's go." I commanded, "I think now is a good time to end."
Justin nodded silently and we swam back to the shore, retrieving our possessions and returning back to the firmness and stability we had known before.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Ash? It's Chris."
"Hi! How did it go?"
"Great, I think."
"God, can you stop doubting every good thing that happens?"
"Whatever. You know me; always the optimist."
"So, where'd you go? What did you see?"
"We went shopping for a few hours, then we went to the beach."
"To the beach? But wasn't it a bit late?"
"Yeah, well, there's this place; it has lights and everything so you can swim at night."
"Sounds special."
"It was, I suppose."
"And romantic."
"Hmm, not too sure about that."
"What do you mean Chris? He takes you to an obviously romantic, intimate place. I'm guessing that nobody else was there."
"There were some people there to begin with."
"But not his friends or anything."
"Oh, no!"
"Okay, so romantic and intimate, not to mention it was a surprise."
"What are you saying Ash?"
"It sounds like a date."
"But it wasn't. I didn't get any date vibes. It was almost like it happened by chance."
"Sounds like a perfect date."
"But, it couldn't have been a date."
"Why the hell not?"
"Besides the whole Britney and him being straight issues, Ash, I wasn't at all nervous, and we got on like friends. I had a really good time. It reminded me of the fun I have with you guys."
"What are you saying? You don't fancy him?"
"I'm not sure. I find him attractive..."
"Funny, intelligent, good to be around, inspiring?"
"All those things."
"And you're problem is?"
"I feel comfortable around him. Like he's a friend. All the other men I've fancied I could barely speak to; unless I was drunk, or I had been around them for ages."
"Maybe..."
"Maybe what?"
"Maybe you've just grown up."
"Thanks."
"No. I mean it. Perhaps you are just more comfortable with yourself now, so you are more comfortable flirting around and stuff."
"I don't know. It's just wearing me out thinking about it. I don't want to do anything foolish."
"I wouldn't want you too either."
"So, I'm not going to consider the possibility that Justin Timberlake could possibly be attracted to me whatsoever."
"If you're sure."
"I'm sure."
"You should get some sleep. You sound tired."
"Yeah, I guess I should. But next time I see you, we'll talk all about you, okay?"
"Fine."
"Sorry to be so self-centred."
"I'm used to it. Good night, Chris."
"Good night Ash."
The next few days passed quickly as I seemed to work non-stop on performances, interviews and some composing. I pushed myself to work hard, trying not to analyse the friendship which had begun to pupate between Justin and I, knowing that too much thought directed towards the subject would only make me depressed. It was difficult not to think about him though, as things he had said to me, and some classic facial expressions he had pulled, kept squeezing themselves from the recesses of my memory at random intervals, springing smiles to my lips and inquiries from my company as to my change in mood.
Before a performance we were giving on some chat show, which I forget the name of, Emily and I had a spare few minutes, so, armed with water bottles we sat down on the speakers to chat.
"So, have you heard anything from Chris?" I asked after swigging at my water.
"Oh, yes." Emily said banally.
"And? What have you heard?"
"I saw him the other day, for coffee, as you know, and it was good."
"Good as in kiss kind of good?"
"Kiss kind of good." Emily laughed, "He suggested we all meet up again soon."
"Oh, I'd have thought he would want some time with you instead."
"It will be, and, shudder at the thought, he likes spending time with my friends."
"That would be good." I commented.
"You haven't seen Justin for a while, have you?" Emily asked with interest.
"No." I said, fighting the gloom, "He's probably busy."
"Well, you can see him when we all meet up."
"Is anything already planned?" I probed, sensing that I was being left out of something.
"Hmm, no, not yet." Emily said casually, although I could tell that it was just poor acting.
"Okay," I narrowed my eyes at her in suspicion, "But don't you dare do anything to embarrass me."
"Would I?" She batted her eyelids at me like a cheap actress, swigging at the water, adding, "Oh, I think it's us now."
The floor manager was waving frantically at us with a meaty clipboard fluttering paper with his motioning. We all began to psyche ourselves up for the performance in our own particular ways, Joe's being doing a sequence of headstands. Good ol' Joe. I closed my eyes a few times, calming myself down with a few, long, drawn out breaths, then commenced with a quick succession of breaths, like deep sea divers use, to inflate my lungs with as much air as possible. It made my head float slightly, and I knew that I was ready.
I cast glances at Stephanie, Joe, Ashley and Emily. Receiving nods from the elated faces, I was assured we were all keyed up to perform. The host announced us and, beyond the screeching glare of the studio lights, I saw the bulky, monstrous cameras swivel their black eyes towards us, and beyond that, the shadowy faces of the audience. Emily began playing her light intro, tweaking slightly with the pitch and speed, as we had agreed, hailing me to start singing.
"She may be The face I know >From a time In my long ago"
The end words were held on my lips for a while, at a delicately high pitch, riding beautifully with Emily's quick fingers on the fret board. Joe began a similarly delicate drum riff. The beginning of the piece had a very light timbre, so as to create an oddly improvisational air.
"She's back there For a reason In the coldest Darkest season"
Stephanie and Ashley joined us, Joe increased the density of his playing; introducing a stronger, tribal beat and Emily merged her work in with Ashley's.
"She's the reason I want to live So I can make Myself forgive
She's the only Girl I want On the 32nd Of every month"
The music began to reach a climax as we launched into the chorus.
"Forever She's so different Forever She's the same Forever I'll be driven To try and forget her name."
I felt myself possessed by the song as we moved into the last verse, allowing my body to begin to move more freely to the influence of the music.
"She can eat me >From flesh to fur Seems I could so Easily let her
She's the one Who kept me crying Killing her Stops me dying
Forever she's so different Forever she's the fucking same Forever it's proven I must forget her name
Forget her name
Forget her name
Erase his face
And forget his name."
Okay, end of Chapter Three!!! Hope you liked it. I thought I'd introduce this little commercial break. I'd advise you to go away and get a nice drink of something... maybe a G+T, or, if you are of a non-alcoholic persuasion, perhaps a nice glass of water. Thanks to David for reading over the last chapter and throwing nice words my way. The next is virgin territory, seen only by my very own eyes, so I hope it stands up to the test.
Oh, the next chapter is very short, like one scene in a movie, but I really wanted to add it, because I'm strange like that.
By the way, this story is not in any way encouraging or promoting the use of stimulants in any form, even though so far we've had coffee, alcohol and now cannabis. Chocolate should make an appearance sometime soon. Please send your comments to me, even some suggestions for where I can go with this, if you like. I'm already waiting...
Something Like Justin Chapter Four- Waking
The candelabra held only three dinner candles, all purple, tipped with blue and yellow wavering wicks, exuding a faint powdery light, devouring the darkness central to our grouped forms, dripping molten wax over its own, steely limbs, which hardened quickly, forming a pearly crust. Our faces peeked out of the surrounding night, our features dripping with shadow and glowing with the affecting warmth of the candles. The mixed, heavy odour of the cloying wax, and the fragrant, floral aroma of the glowing, rolled papers held snugly between our fingers, crept its way inside our fragile minds, painting its warm sunsets on our retina. I looked from one face to another. Joe, Ashley and Emily.
"Fucking crying." Emily moaned.
"On television." Joe added knowingly, nodding his head at me.
"I wasn't crying." I protested.
"Like shit you weren't." Ash laughed, "There were little rivers running down your cheeks when you finished."
"Okay, so maybe I was crying a little." I negotiated, "But it was while I was singing, so people won't think too much of it."
"It can only be a good thing." Emily ventured.
"Why were you crying again?" Joe asked, pausing to briefly lay the spliff between his lips, "And why did you change the lyrics?"
"I don't know..." I muttered, turning away from the group to pour more wine for myself, concentrating heavily on aiming correctly, "I just had my mind on other things."
"Justin?" Ash questioned with a smile.
"I guess." I smiled briefly, raising the cool glass to my mouth, tipping its contents, allowing a small amount of wetness to remain on my lip.
"Get him out of your head, alright?" Joe encouraged.
"Yeah, the performance was good, but you should really not bother with him." Emily enthused.
"I don't think there's much chance of anything happening." Ash added.
"There isn't." Emily said plainly, switching her attention to her deep red wine glass.
"What?" I questioned, creasing my face up to interpret her assuredness, "You know something?"
"Chris said to not bother." Emily responded lightly.
"Chris said what?" I frowned, "You told him I liked Justin?"
"Err, yeah." Emily laughed.
"Emily!" I shouted vaguely, "You don't just tell people that kind of shit."
"I don't see why not."
"Because it's my business. I hardly know Chris. What is he going to think of me now?"
"Umm, not to stand with his back to you?" Emily laughed.
"Fuck off." I said angrily, I could feel my tear ducts straining against my efforts.
I quickly stood and felt my way to the door. The handle turned easily under my persistent grip, briefly flooding the room with light as I stepped out into the corridor. The world seemed so normal out here; so bright, so clear. The room seemed like a kind of weird dream, but the faint smell of hash tickling my nostrils told me that it had not been. I sat down against the wall.
I felt so strange. I felt angry with Emily, for saying what she had. I felt angry with her for telling Chris, like I was just gossip. I felt angry with myself for caring that he knew I was gay. Why should I care? I ran my hands down my cheeks, stretching my bottom eyelids so that the complex fretwork of blood vessels was visible bordering my eyeballs. I sighed and tried not to cry.
The noise of the steely lift doors parting with a mechanical cough, and the light footsteps approaching worried me slightly, although my physical actions seemed five steps behind my mental ones.
"Chris?" The figure squatted in front of me, pouring forth his rich American, his eyes looking squarely at me, "Are you okay? What are you doing sitting out here?" A peppering of amusement was there.
"Huh?" I groaned, trying to rearrange my vision to distinguish the shadow from the riotous background.
"It's Chris." Then he gave a short chuckle, "Emily's Chris."
His face came into view. Emily's Chris, who knew that I was gay, and who was looking at me with a mixture of concern, curiosity and amusement.
"Oh God." I complained to the Fates.
"Do you want to go back to your room?" He dragged me up by the arm, muttering to himself, "Where is it?"
I found directions and random room details spilling from my lips. I didn't know why he needed to know the colour of the carpet; I just thought maybe it was useful. He sat me down on the bed, turning to close the door. I smiled at the creases in his clothing; his brown trousers and faded blue tee.
"Do you want some water, or a coffee?" He asked.
"I'll do it." I said in an undoubtedly unconvincing voice.
"No, I don't think you will." He laughed as I lay back on the bed, adding, "I'll get you some water."
Reality seemed to escape me for a while as I left the bed and lazily encouraged India Arie into my hi-fi. I skipped through the first few tracks, settling on Nature, one of my favourites.
"Hey baby Why are you rushing? Lets sit back and watch the flowers grow Why you wanna swim against the tide Let's lay and watch the river flow."
I sang lightly, in my best, drunken, seductive tones, returning to the bed. Chris smiled at me and handed me my water, positioning himself on the bed next to me.
"So, India. You going to tell me what's going on with you?"
"We should just let nature run the show." I giggled unconvincingly, "Why do you care? I don't even know you."
"Well, from what Emily tells me, you're a good person at heart. And I don't want you to be unhappy."
"Aren't you supposed to be seeing Emily tonight?" I questioned, "Or do you hang about our hotel normally?"
"I did come to see Emily, but she didn't know, and as much as I'd like to see her, I think you need someone to talk to more at this moment."
"Ooh, I'm honoured." I mocked him, "But I don't need your talk."
"Right. I should have left you crying out in the hall then?"
"Maybe. I don't know." I sulked.
"You're upset." Chris said gingerly, "And I want to try and help."
"Like you can do anything."
"Well I know some of the background, I guess. I know that you like Justin."
"Look, just fuck off, okay?" I turned my body away from him and let the pillow absorb my stubborn tears.
"No. I won't." He argued, "If this problem of yours affects Justin, my friend, and Emily, my, err, girlfriend, then it concerns me."
"Tell me about you and Emily." I asked, intrigued by the childish delight in his voice when he had mentioned her.
He obliged, understanding that I needed the talk from him to encourage my own confessions. He told me about how he had felt when he first saw her; when he first talked to her; how he was confused and worried about her feelings towards him; how amazing it had felt when she told him that she wanted to see him; how it had been when they had first kissed; how his anxieties seemed to dissolve whenever they met up.
"I want to feel like that." I offered.
"You could." Chris said.
"No, I can't." I said bluntly, "He's got Britney."
"Look Chris," He spoke softly, "Maybe Justin isn't the person you need in your life right now."
"Maybe not."
"He isn't." Chris enforced, "Find someone else, someone better."
"Someone like you?" I slurred, running my fingertips down his side.
"No." He took my hand from his body and looked into my eyes, "Someone who deserves you."
"Who deserves me?" I whined, "I'm fucking nothing."
"Don't be so self obsessed." Chris cut me dead, "Go out and find someone who is as sorted in the head as you are. Don't go chasing possibilities, get the certainties."
"You mean some fucking queen, don't you?" I replied angrily, "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm just not into that, okay?"
"No, I don't. Look, I can introduce you to some people I know."
"What do you mean?" I frowned.
"I know some gay guys." Chris said casually.
"Okay, now I feel like some kind of guinea pig or something."
"You might like them. You never know."
"Yeah like hell." I replied grumpily.
"You've got to admit, it's better than just going to a gay club and picking up something that'll probably run to the tabloids."
"I suppose." I hated gay clubs anyway. Glitter makes me choke.
"So, I'll introduce you to some of my other friends. I'll try and get the really attractive ones." He slung an arm around me and squeezed my shoulders lightly.
"Thanks." I said, my brain slowly draining of most substances as I sobered up, released from my phase of self-absorption, "You're a good guy, and Emily's very lucky."
"I kinda think I'm the lucky one." Chris mused.
"Actually, you're right." I grinned, "So what are you doing tomorrow?"
"Oh, I think there's some promo in the morning."
"Won't you need to get some sleep?" I asked.
"If you want me to go..." Chris suggested quickly, his muscles tightening in his face, showing his disappointment.
"No." I said firmly, "You can stay here tonight if you want."
"You're sure."
"Yeah, I think I need the company." I smiled, "You don't have to worry. Joe and I usually stay up late together and fall asleep before we can sort ourselves into our own rooms."
"Your guys, the band I mean, are good friends, aren't you?"
"I guess. We weren't, like, assembled, if that's what you're thinking."
"No, I wasn't." He protested sharply, "I just meant, you've held it together well."
"I suppose. But you and the rest of N Sync are close too, aren't you?"
"Of course. It's been ages, so we're like a family in some respects."
"So, are you the daddy?" I smirked.
"Me? I doubt it," He laughed, "I'm more the evil brother."
"That makes two of us." I laughed.
"Do you wanna watch some TV?" Chris inquired, "Or are you tired?"
"Hmm...TV the cure for all ills!" I chuckled.
The screen burst into life, painting our faces garish, changing shades as I switched off the main room lights. The excessive channels were bypassed until we reached a film. It was 54. The film sprung memories inside me. Happy memories: Ash and myself at my parents' house, me sprawled on the carpet with a bowl of homemade popcorn and Ash perched lightly on the sofa. Those days had been so different. I hadn't known what was to become of me then. Some things don't change.
End of (mini) chapter four!! Email me with comments, maybe some suggestions for the directions that I could go in with this.
Shouldn't this feel like hard work?
Kristof