=DISCLAIMER= This story is meant to imply nothing about the sexuality of the real people involved. Anything mentioned from this point on is purely fictional and not meant in any way but the highest regard.
The lyrics used within are not meant to imply anything about the individual preferences, practices, or lifestyle choices of neither Moby nor Lenny Kravitz. The lyrics are not used for any personal monetary profit...
Thank you for the feedback... all two of you. But in all seriousness, if you enjoy the story then I'm glad regardless of if you contact me.
I'm always open to feedback, positive, negative, or constructive so please feel free to let me know what you think. I'm also needing ideas for general characters, gay or straight, for my story. I need things like name/age/general height and weight/background/personality traits and the like. This also goes for people who want to be included in the story as an actual character so let me know!
The mentions of previous works of gay fan fiction are meant in the utmost respect...
WARNING!!! No sex in this chapter. Just emotion and story development. WARNING!!!
Comments, Suggestions, and Criticisms can be sent to saboteur_98155@yahoo.com
Enjoy!
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| || The Compound- Chapter 6 || || By Reid || ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
=11:30am. Weekend marine biology study groups are meeting at the Northeast dock.=
I raised my head up off Zac's rising chest and turned on the bedside lamp, lighting the room in it's beautiful fluorescent glow. He didn't wake up as I lifted my hand off his bare shoulder and admired the cute plastic spider ring he had given me the day before. My head laid back down and I listened to his heartbeat and slow, peaceful breathing as he slept, his warm skin sliding under my fingertips as I ran my finger down and slowly rimmed his belly button. My mind had been in different states of whirl ever since yesterday afternoon when he had proposed to me. For Christ's sake, a guy had proposed to me. As much as I loved Zac and devoted all my heart to him, part of me deep down felt it was kinda weird and abnormal to actually marry another guy. Being gay didn't make it any easier to accept or see things any clearer if they had been embedded in your psyche as being outside the norm. I sighed.
The sensation woke Zac up and his hand went to my hair and he played with it idly as he yawned, "Am I a good pillow?"
"The best." I rolled onto my stomach and kissed a line up his stomach and chest and onto his chin. He wrapped his arms around me as my kisses tenderly touched his tanned skin and he shivered slightly, nuzzling my forehead before I pulled off. Settling myself comfortably on his waist, I sat up and straddled him, admiring how his tousled blond hair and sleep dulled face looked against the light blue pillowcase. My fingers walked over his broad shoulders and down onto his strong forearms, and I enjoyed the feeling of his stretched, soft skin over the muscle. He smiled up at me.
"Do you need any more time to think?" He reached up and fondled my finger with the ring on it, stroking it and playing with the plastic legs of the spider.
"Uhhh... it's not that I need to think. I just need to be comfortable with the idea."
"Things won't be different. It'll be us and we'll be officially together." Zac said as he pulled the comforter up over the both of us and trapped it under its hot confines. He wrapped his legs around my waist and pulled me down on top of him and our lips pressed together and his eyes sparkled in the dimness under the blanket. Our warm bodies rubbed together as he tickled me playfully, making me squirm and giggle as I tried to get away. After tickling Zac in return long enough to fight my way out from under the blanket, I got half off the bed before he managed to grab my ankle and stop me from moving. He pulled himself out of the bed like a cheetah pouncing on a gazelle and landed ontop of me and we laid there half-naked on the floor. He grabbed my wrists and held them against the floor above my head as he looked down at me, his sloppy ponytail flopped over his shoulder and his thighs squeezed my waist, making me groan and try to get him off me.
"Why do you need to think?!" He asked.
"Because getting married is a big decision. Get off me, you're crushing my spleen."
"No! I'm not getting off you until you give me a good reason why you need to think."
"I just did! It's a big thing to do."
"Wrong answer." Zac said and squeezed me with his thighs; forcing the air out of me and making me squirm and gag under him.
"What... what do you want me to say?" I wheezed, "Besides... are you sure you want to commit yourself at 15."
"What do you think I've been doing for the past three months?!" He jumped up and down, landing with his ass right on my stomach, "Reid! Let's get married! Let's make it official!"
"Zac..." I groaned, my stomach feeling it was being assaulted with a cannonball, "Please... get off... me..."
Zac rolled off me and laid next to me on the floor, "Come on.... Please?"
I coughed and felt my burning abdominal muscles, "Zac..."
"Please?" He asked again and I could see in that one moment how serious it was. I could see how much it meant to him. His eyes locked onto mine and he didn't need to come up with some dramatic pout to get his point across as my mind went over the pros and cons. The pros: spending the rest of my life with Zac, having someone to hold and cuddle with, never being alone, and having companionship. The cons: Ummmm... hmmm.... Waking up to his face every morning, albeit a very cute face. But that was about all the bad aspects I could think of.
"I can't marry you Zac." I said seriously but with enough of a joking tone in my voice. I turned away from him and laid down on my stomach on the bed and sighed.
"Why not?" He asked, with a lot of melodramatic heartbreak in his voice, getting up and kneeling next to me, "What did I do Reid? Tell me! Tell me what I did!" He wailed, throwing himself over me, looking like a worshipping priest.
"Zac... I can't marry you because..." I pretended to choke up.
"Why?! WHY?!" He whimpered.
"Zac... I'm not in love with you anymore."
"Wha... what happened..."
"I don't know... I think you farted in front of me too many times. Or maybe waking up and your morning breath smelling like a bear was trying to wipe his ass with my face... I just... I don't know."
"What can I do?! Anything!" He sobbed, burying his face in my neck.
"Zac, I'm on the fence right now. My feelings are very unclear." It was getting harder and harder to keep a straight face.
"Well... that isn't possible!" A new cocky edge came into his voice.
"Yes! Yes, it is!"
"Oh no!" He said, straddling my hips, "You can't be undecided with me. There ain't no middle ground with the Zacman. Either you love me or you hate me!"
"You're... indifferent to me." I snorted.
"Poor Reid. You're going through a terrible denial right now... MTV's propaganda has gotten to you." He said, leaning down and nuzzling me, "But I can make it go away."
"No, you can't. Get off me." I was trying to buck him off, but it was nearly impossible.
"Oh no... you need some tender, loving, hot, sweaty, erotic deprogramming," He whispered in my ear. My morning hardon was throbbing under me and as Zac continued to rub his lips around the rim of my ear, it strained against the mattress to an almost painful size. But I wasn't going to give in.
"Mr. Hanson... please remove yourself from my person." I said in a flat tone.
"Oooh... you know I love it when you get all formal." He said and pulled down the collar of my T-shirt and kissed the back of my neck, licking it and nibbling gently. I had to fight the urge to cum.
"If you don't get off me..." I said in my best warning schoolteacher tone.
"Oh, I'll get you off all right." His hands slid down into my shorts and began to fondle me.
"Hey... I'm serious..." My voice was barely more than a whisper.
"So am I." He murmured, reaching around and squeezing my ring finger.
=Later...=
"Rumor. Taylor once said in an interview that he likes cats but he's never had one of his own."
"OK... Did you get the band kicked off the bus in the MMMBop video?"
"Rumor. We rented the bus."
"Did Taylor break your nose by launching rocks off a seesaw?"
"Fact. We were trying to impersonate the Animaniacs and it kinda went sideways and smashed my face," He said, and he started laughing, "Dude, there was blood everywhere."
"That's pretty funny, Zac." I said.
"Well, yeah... it's funny now but when it happened, it wasn't funny. Next one."
"Did that DJ spit on Taylor in the interview in Tulsa, Tokyo, and The Middle of Nowhere?"
"Rumor. Someone spilled water and Taylor put his hand on it and it startled him."
"Hmmm..." It was the best thing in the world. Zac and I were lying in the sun on the grass of the courtyard, and Zac was debunking or confirming every clean and/or dirty Hanson rumor I had ever heard. We laid there and watched the staff platform diving competition at the outdoor pool as Dr. Rios led a field of twenty participants and was in line to win. The staff, being all female, needed an occasional event to help them blow off their stress of taking care of 15000 gay men and the occasional athletic contests were a welcome opportunity. The large grass hill spanned the north side of the hill and before lying down to watch the divers, Zac and I had plenty of fun applying the sunblock.
After fully winning be back into his adulation, Zac had agreed to let me think about his question a little more and sounded nicely mature when he said he understood my needs. We laid there in the hot sun and Zac sat up and pulled his T-shirt off and laid back, resting his head on his folded arms. Dr. Rios had just scored a 5.7 out of a 6.0 on her second dive out of four and we had a while before she would dive again so we sat there and Zac let me sort his "dirty laundry."
"Come on Reid, let's have a good one now." He said, smiling at me and adjusting his sunglasses.
"Ok... is it true that you hurt your lip when Taylor caught you jacking off into his bottled water and bashed you with a microphone stand?"
"Ummm... partially rumor." He said and began to blush a little.
"Oooh. I did pick a good one!" I rolled over from my back and onto my stomach, "Which part is true?"
"I did jerk off into his bottled water but he never caught me and he never hit me with a mic stand."
"Wait... did he find out?"
Zac grinned and shook his head slowly, "And I saw him take a big ol' tug off it during a concert. I don't think he noticed."
"Or... maybe he liked it."
"Ewww! Shut up," He laughed, "Next one."
"Was the sore you had on your lip caused by Herpes?"
"Rumor. Not enough chapstick before we went to Australia."
"Is Taylor really hyper at night?"
"Fact. God... yes. There were times he almost humped Ike's and my leg because he was so whacked out."
"You and Taylor developed coke habits and couldn't concentrate on This Time Around and that's why it screwed the pooch."
Zac leaned up on his elbow, "Rumor. This Time Around screwed the pooch because our record label chopped our musical balls off."
"How?"
"They made us bring in choirs and John Popper and Jonny Lang and all sorts of bullshit instead of letting us PLAY OUR MUSIC." Zac fumed, getting steamed at just the thought of it.
"Good Zac... calm down... don't attack..." I said, stroking his cheek and mopping the beads of sweat from his brow. He growled and kicked jokingly and settled down. Something really weird happened at that moment because looking at him, shirtless and leaning up on his elbow, his golden hair looking a little ratty in it's ponytail and his dark sunglasses perched on his nose, the fine tufts of hair under his arms... he honestly had never looked so handsome. The way the sweat on his forehead, shoulders, and collarbone, glistened in the bright sun and how his full lips looked so red and lush... the weird thing was that I had always assumed the moment when I saw someone that way would be much more manufactured and pre-planned. But, as my relationship with Zac was teaching me time and time again... nothing I had ever expected or planned for in my mind was even pretending to come true.
My gaze went on as Zac idly picked up a small pink flower petal and idly rubbed it over the skin of his stomach, smiling as it tickled the skin and then brushing it over his lips as he smelled it. My stomach fluttered and my head felt light as he continued to play with the petal, rubbing it on his forearms and enjoying the velvety texture. He laid back down and stuck the petal in his belly button, the soft pink and white color standing out against his tan and it took me several deep breaths before I was confident I wouldn't pass out.
Zac looked over at my pale, damp face, "Hey... you OK?"
He reached over and put his hand on my knee. When I didn't answer at first, he slid over and sat next to me, holding my face in his hand and pushing the sunglasses onto the top of his head. I shook my head and tried to clear the sudden murkiness that had come upon me so quickly, blinking my eyes rapidly until I got my symmetry back. Zac continued to hold my cheek and he leaned in and kissed me gently, his face showing genuine concern.
"Hey... talk to me... Reid..."
"Yeah... I'm OK..."
"You want go inside? Are you too hot?"
"No. No, I'm fine. We owe Dr. Rios this." I said and laughed, mopping my brown with the sleeve of my shirt.
"Well, that's your damn problem! Take that off, sexy." His hands crept down to my waist and began to pull off my shirt. I fought playfully but let him pull it up and off me, drawing some woos from the crowd sitting a ways away from us. After flipping them off, Zac and I settled back as we saw Dr. Rios approaching the board and we cheered.
"Now diving... #07A, Caroline Rios." The announcer said as she climbed out on the board.
"Our little girl!" Zac said in his 'squeaky' emotional voice, "Look pa! She's a'gonna dive!"
We sat there quietly as I tensed and she took off, performing a near flawless 3 1/2 twist and entering the water straight as an arrow with no splash. After a few seconds, the crowd exploded into cheers as did Zac and I as she climbed out of the pool and smiled. The scores were announced and she had won quite controllingly and as she walked off the second platform, Keri was standing there and from where I sat, it looked like they smiled at each other. I looked over at Zac and he shrugged. Very interesting said I.
=Later still...=
Oh, his lips.
Jake sat at the white topped table in the sector library watching Zac talk about the diving competition earlier than day and it was pure torture. Not that every day since Zac had come in had been any easier but what made it worse was that Zac liked him... but it was just like. Zac only saw him as a friend and it made Jake ache and feel like he was decaying inside when he had to watch Zac's beautiful mouth move and describe what had happened. It wasn't quite as hard as hearing Zac's moans of pleasure down the hall from his own room as he lay lonely and heartbroken in his bed. Not wishing that Zac would break up with Reid because he could tell how much it would hurt them both... just wishing and longing for someone else to hold him and ease the pain he'd felt when Brandon had stomped on his tender heart.
"So then she twisted again and went into the water half bent over but it was still cool." Zac said and Jake looked at him, and didn't say anything, "Jake? Earth to Jakie..."
"Huh? Yeah. It sounds pretty cool." He said, feeling lower than plankton shit.
"So how have you been?" Zac asked, casually resting his foot on the table and giving Jake a torturous view of his bare thigh.
"I've been OK. I've just been doing lots of homework and extra credit stuff and it's been real hard on me."
Zac shrugged and drummed on the edge of the table, the thumping and vibrating finding it's way to Jake's thigh and driving him nearly insane with lust. Jake sighed and looked down at his shaking hands below the surface of the table, not wanting to burden Zac with the knowledge of how bad he felt. It was almost like a dream a few minutes ago when Zac and ruffled his hair and sat down opposite him at the table. Jake had nearly bust a nut in his shorts at the sight of Zac and then his touch which almost sent him out of his skin after he had tried not to notice Zac and Reid coming into the library. Reid had gone off to pick up a new book and Jake had done his best not to look at Zac or indicate the burning lust that was rifling inside of him... but Zac, with the purest of intentions, had sat down across from him and blessedly interrupted his social studies project work.
"Look at that guy over there. I wonder if he sells himself." Zac smirked, pointing to a swishy looking resident with his T-shirt tied in a knot over his bellybutton and his shorts turned into hotpants.
"Yeah, probably." Jake mumbled.
"I could never do that. I could never sleep around."
"Well... how often have you been lonely?" Jake asked.
"Before I came here, I was pretty lonely."
"Did you ever sleep with a guy who you thought could make you not as lonely?"
"Not until I came here and found Reid. Have you?"
"Almost but no." Jake lied.
Zac nodded and leaned back in his chair and for a split second, Jake could make out the dark outline of Zac's scrotum inside the leg of his shorts. For a few seconds, Jake couldn't breathe and his chest felt like lead before Zac looked off to his right and smiled. Jake knew he saw Reid and for a few seconds, he pretended Zac was smiling at him as he walked towards him and then they could go off and be together. Just like friends but... more than friends when they climbed in bed at night. He could hold the hyper boy and rub his back gently... then his stomach... then further down until they were both panting and holding onto one another...
"Hi Jake." Reid said as he came up to the table and Zac reached up and rubbed his arm.
"Hey Reid." Jake said and turned back to his work. Zac stood up and hugged Reid from behind as Reid adjusted the books in his hand.
"You OK, Jake?" Reid asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a lot of stress."
"OK, cool," Reid said and turned to Zac, "You ready to go?"
"Yup. Later Jake."
"Bye." Jake sighed as he watched Reid throw his arm around Zac as they walked out of the library together. His heart ached again and he clenched his eyes shut but couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks but he managed to keep from sobbing openly. After sniffling and wiping his eyes discretely, Jake turned back to his work and resumed. And the clenching, cramping ball in his stomach only got worse...
=The Other Soon-To-Be Mr. Hanson...=
"Hi there. I'm Paul Gaines with Channel 13 sports here LIVE on location at the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France! I know lots of you T.Bay freaks are up either real late or real early but believe me... you won't regret it! My God, do we have a treat for you extreme sports fans out there... Tampa Bay native Devon Snow, at 17 years old, is set to become the youngest person in Guinness history to complete a free fall bungee jump from the big tower here in Paris! Joining me now is my co-host for this wild event, Ms. Lia Ludon. How are you, Lia?"
"I'm excited, Paul. Here in Paris, Devon Snow, The Snowman, who has been called THE wildest risk taker under the legal voting age is going to risk life and limb in a spectacular stunt! Ever since he started skydiving at the age of SEVEN, Devon has been risking his young life to entertain his fans... which, as expected, are young girls from all over the world! With his teen idol good looks, charming personality, and crazy nature, he has won the hearts of women young and old! As you'll see in the picture to my right... there it is... Devon recently had an "accident" where he was caught naked on camera much to the delight of his fans. The visual distortion is NOT his natural naked state, by the way. And, Paul, this young clown has it all. And after tonight, he'll be a world record holder!"
"We're all excited, Lia. Devon has refused ALL interviews in his tradition before a big stunt. As you remember, in 1998, when he free fell from Victoria Falls, the South African press tried their hardest to interview him but to no avail. This kid is iron clad. Recently, much has been made of his lack of a girlfriend since his much publicized rumored tryst with one Ms. Spears and when whispers of his sexual preference came up, he still refused comment. This young man is one hell of a showman, Lia."
"That he is Paul... wait... we're getting word that he's ready to jump. Let's go there now."
"Look at him, Lia. 17 years old and ready to jump from the Eiffel Tower... there he goes...."
"Paul... this tension... I can't take it..."
"YES! He has DONE it! Devon Snow has completed the longest junior world record bungee jump in world history!"
"Paul, listen to the screams from the girls in attendance. They love him! What an accomplishment for a junior in high school."
"Lia... let's get him over... Devon, come over here... Devon Snow, at 17 years old you are world record holder! How does it feel, buddy?"
"It feels great, Paul! I'm on cloud nine right now! What up THUNDER BAY!"
"Devon, do you have anything you want to say to all the fans?"
"Yes, I do, Paul..."
"Go ahead, brother. You earned it."
"I'M GAY! I'M GAY YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! COME GET ME! COME GET ME!----
=7:00pm. One hour until all residents are expected back in their rooms.=
Zac and I had putzed our way back to the room after the library and once we were inside, he whipped out a deck of playing cards that his mom and given him. We sat down on the bed and as I shuffled, Zac and I played footsie and he rubbed his leg against mine. Once the cards got dealt, it was all business as Zac planned and strategized over each move and I could tell he played to win. Even though we were playing Go Fish despite his desires to play Strip Poker. My years of passing time idly came in handy as I creamed Zac in the first four games until he finally won and did a dramatic victory dance before settling back in for another hand. And I won the next one as well... and the next one... and the one after that... but Zac took each defeat good-naturedly, rewarding me with a long kiss before demanding another chance. After the twelfth straight win, my conscience began to bark and my merciful side kicked in.
"Do you want to do something else?" I asked.
"Nope. I like gettin' my butt kicked. Are you getting bored?"
"Not really. I just don't want to damage your psyche any further." I reached up and fondled his cheek.
"Hah! My luck is about to change! Let's play again!"
"OK..." I sighed and began to deal the cards.
"Hold on. I have to use the little girl's room." He kissed me on the cheek and walked into the bathroom.
Turning my head back down to the cards and as I shuffled then, something seemed amiss. I heard the sound of Zac peeing but what got me was that he didn't close the door. I got up off the bed and stood by the bathroom door and watched him taking a leak. I wasn't getting turned on, by the way.
"Hey sexy... want a drink?" Zac purred.
"Ugh," I said and made a sour face, "Why didn't you close the door?"
"Well... you've seen the tools." He shrugged and did the 'jiggle'.
"Yeah... but you're peeing. Isn't that a private act?"
"Well, sorry. I won't do it again." He pouted as he pulled up his shorts and flushed the toilet. He went to walk out of the room but he smiled and turned towards the sink and rinsed his hands, looking at me for approval and I nodded sanctimoniously.
"You want to play again or are you humiliated enough?"
Zac looked at me wearily and lowered himself down on his back on the floor, spread-eagled, and he played dead.
"I think that's a yes." I couldn't help but laugh.
"You are my master. You've beaten me. I am your willing slave." He said, panting as if he'd just been knocked out in a boxing match.
"Damn right." I held my hand out to him and he pulled himself up with my help. We walked over to the bed and sat down as I moved one of Zac's dirty socks off my nightstand. Next to my bedside lamp was a small picture of my nephew. His name was Reid too. My sister had been approved to adopt by the state of Colorado and she adopted a half-Hispanic, half-Native American baby and showing the old Cameron generosity, took him in and gave him a decent shot at life. Naming him after me was, she claimed, a way of acknowledging my courage and strength in the face of being sniffed out like a dime bag at a Turkish airport. But I also thought it was a big "fuck you" to my parents, but that's just me.
I smiled again and then it hit me.
"Oh my GOD... did you step in a dead hobo's armpit?!" I said, holding my hand over my mouth and nose.
"No," Zac laughed, "Once they air out, they won't smell so bad."
Shaking my head was about all there was to do. Zac had pulled off his shoes and socks and the reek of his sweaty feet could have been a legal chemical weapon for the Army. He laid back on the bed and put his bare feet up and wiggled his toes as I fanned the air in front of my nose and wiped my watering eyes before Zac elbowed me affably and I did the same to him as I pinched my nose shut. Looking for anything to distract me from the haze of foot fume rising above the bed, and I found it in the ring on my finger. It was a pretty ingenious thing for Zac to choose a ring that would so easily grab my attention anytime it entered my field of vision. Or maybe not... maybe it just looked cool to him. Zac laughed and waved his hands over his feet and gagged in-between laughs.
"I guess maybe they do smell kinda bad." He coughed, "Whew!"
"Kinda bad?" My voice was nasal and distorted, "It smells like teen spirit."
"Oh man... do you think I need to see a foot doctor or something?"
"I don't know! Maybe you do." I said, getting a little concerned but eventually, the smell began to get sucked into the vent and the air in the room became breathable again. With theatrical caution, my hand came down from my nose as the threat of being infected passed and I adjusted the ring. Zac was looking at me, expressionless, and timidly playing with a lock of his hair.
"Hey Reid... if you just don't want to do it, that's cool." He said quietly.
"No, it's not that Zac. It's just... it's not me I'm worried about."
"Why would you be worried about me?" He sounded relieved.
"Zac, you're 15. Do you want to commit yourself to me so young?"
Zac sighed as he sat up and used a damp towel to clean the toe jam from between his toes, "Reid... at my age, two months is long enough to be a lifetime. And you and I have been together for just a little longer from that and all I think of every day is how awesome it is. All I want to do is be with you forever. You don't threaten to beat the hell out of me when I fart, you didn't lock yourself in the bathroom when I took my shoes off, you don't criticize everything I do, and you accept me. How am I not supposed to want to be with you for the rest of my life?"
He tossed the towel on the floor and rolled over on his side next to me, "I don't want to pressure you. I just... I don't know. I mean, I may not be able to say it but I feel it. I may not be old enough or "well traveled" enough to put it into words, but I feel it EVERY time I see you."
"Zac..." I was flailing, "I'm just... just tell me one thing, OK?"
"Anything." He said, his face was close to mine and I could feel his warm breath on my lips. He began to rub the back of his hand over my arm.
"Will I be the only one? I couldn't handle finding out in a year or two years that you cheated on me."
"I don't want anyone else but you, Reid. That won't change. And I don't change my mind on the big stuff."
"Yes, Zac."
His lips curled into a smile, "Yes..."
"Yes."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, but if you ever call me the 'little woman', I'm outta here."
He didn't say anything... he just looked at me with a huge goofy grin on his face and I couldn't help but smile back at him. His eyes began to look damp around the edges and he breathed deeply and slowly, gently resting his hand on mine and squeezing it devotedly. His hand felt so warm and it was like a big, smooth paw on mine and his fingers felt their way to the ring and he poked the body of the spider and pressed it into my finger. The room was totally silent except for the air conditioner as my fingers lifted Zac's hair out and away from his face, setting it back behind his shoulder. It felt so good to stroke his soft hair, it felt like woven golden silk under my fingertips and he sighed as I smoothed the hair onto of his head and combed the darker streaks and gliding along the natural waves and crinks. He laid his forehead against my chin and I felt his arms slowly slide around my back as he held himself close to me and we laid down together, and the warmth of his body took on a new meaning for me.
It meant the companionship I'd pushed away for so long. It was a feeling of being needed and desired. I felt for the first time in my life like someone wanted me and spent their time with me because they actually found me pleasing. My head fell back on the pillow as a slightly self-righteous smile came onto my face and silently, I gloated. My inner child laughed and did a dance of glee as I took pride in knowing that my asshole of a father and drunken overbearing bitch of a mother hadn't killed the one thing I had left. The one thing they couldn't take from me had asserted itself and brought me happiness when I needed it most... my ability to love had survived.
"My guard is down." Zac said softly against my chest.
"What do you mean?" I asked, stroking his hair.
"I'm not being funny or hyper or putting on a show. I'm vulnerable as hell."
"Pretty fragile?"
"Yes... please don't drop me, Reid."
=Processing...=
"All right. Name?"
"Dees."
"Last name?"
"Nuts."
"DAMN IT! That isn't his name! Listen to me, you little prick... you give us anymore attitude and you'll be pissing cranberry juice for a week!"
"IT by Stephen King. Said by Tom Rogan to his soon to be ex-wife Beverly Marsh when she was about go back to Derry to fulfill her childhood promise. Try again, fatBOI!"
"Look... both of you. Calm down. Agt. Preston, go outside. Devon, Please cooperate."
"Why should I? I'm going to a concentration camp anyway. Why do I need to cooperate with you? By the way, your large breasts have no meaning to me. In case you haven't heard.... I like BUTT."
"Please?"
"Look, keep Full Metal Jackoff outta here and I will. It's insulting that he quotes Stephen King."
"First name?"
"Devon, last name Snow. Middle name, Hayden."
"We're taking you to 22A in the U.S.V.I."
"Isn't that where Zac Hanson is?"
"Yes, it is."
"I hear he has a boyfriend?"
"He does."
"Maybe they can hook me up with somebody. I won't have to be so fucking lonely anymore."
=Tulsa...=
1:27pm. His heart still ached.
The tears didn't seem to stop as he spent most of his time alone, out of view of his older brother and father, not wanting to let them down or seem weak. Several times, he'd excused himself from the barbecue and went inside to "use the bathroom" but in actuality, he would go up to his room, bury his face in the pillow, and sob. He would sob and cry until his body ached terribly but not even nearly as much as his heart.
It wasn't so much the guilt anymore as it was the loneliness. It wasn't the same without him. The house seemed dead and just lacked the life it had before. But it wasn't that that got to him the most. It wasn't the lack of the occasional morning he would wake up with a dirty black sock on his face or the lack of the occasional 4:00am wakeup call to watch an infomercial on padded drumsticks. It wasn't the lack of legos strewn across the floor or the halfassed way his clean clothes would get crammed into the dresser. It wasn't the unquestioned loyalty and love or the surprisingly good listening skills when he needed to pour his heart out to someone and his was the only ear that would understand...
It was when the little ones would ask for him. When they would look around puzzled when they didn't hear the belches or the funny voices that always made them laugh. It was the sad, bewildered look when they found out he wasn't coming back. It would tear the heart out of the coldest person in the world. The eventual realization that their goofy, playful, hyper big brother had been taken away and not even been allowed to say goodbye. The empty chair at the dinner table that no one really wanted to talk about... the extra towel on the rack... the lack of water on the floor after a shower... the windows in the garage that stayed solid... the empty treehouse... the lack of an unkempt, scruffy, blond zombie shambling into the kitchen in the morning.
Sometimes the loneliness hurt more than the guilt.
=To Be Continued...=