(Thanks to Bondwriter and Sharon)
Chapter 3 by Ieshwar
"You have come at the right moment, my son," Jay's father said as he hugged Ryan, "Jay's marriage has just been finalized for next week." Ryan searched for an explanation in Jay's eyes but when he didn't find any, his puzzled expression turned into one of hurt.
"Won't you introduce us to your friend, Jay?" Arjun asked.
"Yeah, this is Ryan, my...best friend. We have been sharing the same apartment for three years. And Ryan, this is my elder brother, Arjun, my sister-in-law Divya, my sister Komal, my mom, my dad and this is Maya, my...fiancee," Jay said as he refused to meet Ryan's questioning gaze.
"Why don't you freshen up, Ryan? Dinner will be starting soon," Jay's mother said good- naturedly.
"Come, I'll show you to my room," Jay volunteered. He just hoped that he would be able to explain himself though he didn't know what to say. Ryan's disillusioned expression was still in his mind. How could he do that to him?
"Congratulations Jay!" Ryan said in a voice quite unlike his usual voice as soon as the bedroom door closed behind them. Jay didn't know if it was because of the sarcasm dripping from the words or because the tone was filled with anger and pain.
"Ryan..." Jay started but was stopped.
"Four fucking days I have been away from you. I was in agony there, thinking about you every second. I left everything there to come to you. And what do I see? You are engaged to that bitch! You're getting married next week. You hadn't even thought of informing me," he snapped vehemently. At least the door was closed. Jay didn't want anyone to hear Ryan.
"Ryan..."
"Why Jay? Why? Why would you do this to me? Wasn't I good enough for you? Didn't I support you at every step? Didn't I help you when you had difficulties? Didn't I love you enough? Or wasn't I good enough for you in your bed? Tell me Jay!" he almost shouted as he broke down in tears, "How could you do this to me?"
Jay had never seen Ryan in this state before. He was usually composed and calm. But Jay knew that when it came to their relationship, Ryan felt very insecure, despite his numerous efforts. Now, he had a reason to feel insecure. Jay wanted to tell him how helpless he was but no excuse could be good enough. He had hurt Ryan deeply. As he saw him completely shattered, he wanted to hold him. But did he have any right now?
Someone knocked at the door. Did someone overhear them? Fear flashed through him. Ryan hurriedly moved into the bathroom to wash his face. Jay opened the door only to find Komal.
"Jay, mom is calling both of you. Dinner will shortly be served," she said.
"Yeah, we'll be coming in a minute."
Ryan came out of the bathroom as Komal left. Jay wanted to explain everything to Ryan but he wondered if he would be ready to hear him. Every time before, Ryan had been at his side, but now? It would be really unfair to expect him to support Jay. He had broken his heart, his trust... he had broken Ryan, for God's sake!
"Ryan..." Jay started but he was once again cut short as Ryan spoke.
"They are waiting for us. I think we should be going."
Dinner was quite uneventful but nightmarish for Jay. As was expected, they mostly talked of Jay's and Maya's upcoming marriage. Jay kept his eyes fixed on his plate and barely talked. He couldn't look Ryan in the eyes. He was ashamed. Ryan was trying to mix himself in with Jay's family as he joined the conversation as much as he could. He never showed his grief to the others. Jay knew he had greatly fallen in Ryan's esteem. And this hurt.
"Dinner is over, so what is the plan now?" Divya asked.
"Why don't we play Antakshari?" Komal suggested, "We're all here and the atmosphere is quite festive. It has been a long time since we've played it."
"What is Antakshari?" Ryan asked meekly.
"It's game where you have to sing a song. Don't worry. It's very easy. For the moment, everyone sit so as to form a circle," Komal said as everyone got up and rearranged themselves as she said, "Now, I'll place this bottle in the middle and spin it. Whichever person it points to must sing a song that they'll be asked."
So the bottle, which was now empty of its wine, was set to spining and its head stopped at Ryan.
"I don't know what to sing," Ryan said defensively.
"Let me think of an easy one," Arjun said who was sitting next to Ryan as he pondered for a few second, "okay, sing any Hindi song for us. Anyone you know."
Jay was really fond of Hindi songs and often listened to then. When Ryan and Jay started living together, Ryan learnt a bit of Hindi too, for Jay's sake, and listened to quite a number of Hindi songs.
"Okay," Ryan said quietly with a strange seriousness in his voice. Then his voice filled the room. The accent was obvious but the pronunciation and wordings were perfect.
Meri mohabbat yaad karoge (You'll remember my love)
Ro-oge faryad karoge (You'll cry, you'll plead)
Meri mohabbat (My love)
Mujhko to barbad kiya hain (You have ruined me)
Aur kisse barbad karoge (who will you ruin now?)
Ro-oge faryad karoge (You'll cry, you'll plead)
Meri mohabbat (My love)
Kaise bhoolo ge tum mujhko (How will you forget me?)
Yaad mere bad mujhko karoge (You'll remember me after I'll go)
Ro-oge faryad karoge (You'll cry, you'll plead)
Meri mohabbat (My love)
Silence applauded this intense song. Ryan, who had watched Jay throughout the song, dropped his head and stared at his empty lap. Jay knew that he was fighting against tears. Seeing Ryan in such pain, he felt as if thousands of needles were pricking his heart. He suddenly understood what a thousand deaths a second meant. It wasn't because his life was being tied to someone else or that he was on the verge of losing his identity, it was because Ryan was hurt and he was the reason. Heck, he was so helpless: he couldn't even comfort his boyfriend.
"That was very deep and unexpected," Divya said when the silence had become tense, "You're an amazing singer, Ryan. You should try in Bollywood. You can start a new craze with an occidental-oriental fusion. But as for our Antakshari, let's see who's the next on the list."
But before the bottle could be spun, Jay got up. Ryan's eyes shot up immediately and stared at him. There was a flicker of hope in them which was instantly doused after Jay spoke.
"I'm feeling quite tired. I think I'll go to bed," he said before seeking refuge in his room.
He had barely lain on the bed when Ryan entered. Without even bothering to switch on the light, he changed his clothes and went to bed too. Both young men laid next to each other lost in their thoughts. It would have been a good opportunity for Jay to talk to Ryan but he decided against it. He himself was lost and how could he help to support Ryan? First of all, he had to clear his thoughts. The lives of many rested on his decision.
---*-
Jay sat on a huge boulder and contemplated the scene in front of him. It was the ruin of what had once been a beautiful house. The roof had long ago caved in, making it vulnerable to attacks from rain and dry leaves. It had changed since his last visit. The eastern walls, which a few years ago stood proud and tall, were now reduced to a heap of bricks lying on the floor. He wondered how he had forgotten about this place. He used to come here a lot when he was younger, especially when facing dilemmas. It was his secret place where he sought refuge to think. Very few people came here and there was this calm and serene atmosphere here, which always pleased him.
Many said that a very sad tale lay beneath these ruins. It is believed that, decades ago, a young man built this house for the one he loved. He had built it to prove his independence and to gain the consent of her parents. The day they were married and were supposed to come to the house to live, they met with an accident and both lovers passed away. The house is still considered a symbol of true love by the locals and no one ever tried to destroy it. As time went by, the house gave in to the weather but everyone could still feel the love engraved in the bricks.
Jay stared at this wrecked house and wondered if this was the future of his dreams, his family, his love... All this seemed so surreal. A few days ago, he was living happily with Ryan and now, it all was disappearing. Every time he thought it would get better, it just worsened. It seemed as if he was holding a handful of sand; the tighter he held, the more it slipped away.
He always asked himself what caused this disaster or who was responsible for this. Only one answer came - himself! Yes, he was the one to blame for these complications. Had he been more decisive and brave in the beginning, he would have never seen this day. But the truth was that he remained a coward. Yes, he was a coward.
Perhaps if he had come out before going abroad, he might not have faced such a situation. He could have at least told his mother about his sexuality. She would have had a bad initial reaction but she would have certainly understood in the end. How could he have not thought of all this before? In his fear of being rejected, he had hidden himself inside a shell.
Now it was too late. What was the use of all these ruminations? On one side, there was
his mother living on a thin thread. Any shock might be fatal for her. His coming out would most certainly kill her. When Jay thought about all these years of love and affection and the way he was repaying that, he felt ashamed, ashamed of his very own existence. Would he be able to build a home with Ryan on the grave of his mother?
On the other side, there was Ryan, the one he loved and the one who loved him unconditionally. If he didn't come out and ended up married to someone else, he wondered what would happen to Ryan. The latter would be devastated and he certainly didn't deserve all this. Betraying a person like Ryan was... just unjust! Ryan had always put Jay before everything. He never cared for himself. Jay knew that Ryan would sacrifice himself of he asked it. But wouldn't it be unfair to ask Ryan to pay the price for Jay's cowardice?
And between all this, there was Maya. Every time Jay thought of her, he felt a pinch in his heart. He often wondered how she landed in all this confusion. She had never hurt him but Jay knew that either way she would be hurt. Marrying her and making false promises would be like playing with her trust and emotions. And if he came out and walked out of this alliance, he would be leaving her halfway. A girl, whose engagement had broken, would have to face the harsh words of the society in India. Either way, he would be hurting her.
The barrier he had been putting up for himself finally collapsed and tears flowed out. He brought his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them as he sobbed. For the first time in his life, he felt so helpless. He was so powerless that he couldn't even commit suicide. This would bring grief to all the ones he loved- Ryan, his mother, his family and perhaps Maya too. Perhaps that was his destiny- to bring misery to others.
After a few minutes, he felt movement behind him but he didn't even turn to see who it was. He was too busy trying to stop the tears. Then, he felt the too familiar pair of arms embrace him. He tried to move away at first, thinking that he didn't deserve this consolation but Ryan insisted.
"I'm really sorry, Ryan," Jay sobbed.
"It's okay, dear," he whispered in his ears, "I'm sorry too about yesterday. I was harsh with you. I know you would never do such a thing to hurt me intentionally. I should have talked with you. I should have at least tried to understand you. But all I did was to increase your worries."
"I love you Ryan!" Jay said as he tightened his hold on Ryan's hand. Their exchange last night still haunted him.
"I know, Jay. I love you too."
Then, Jay told Ryan everything that had happened from the start- from his mother's illness to his engagement with Maya.
"Everything happened so quick that I didn't even have time to think properly. I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you anything. You were right yesterday. I should have at least informed you. Right now, I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss," Jay said.
"You're in a very difficult situation. But it's you who has to make the decision and quick!" Ryan said wisely, "I don't want to cause you more worries. But you have to decide fast what you'll do. I know it's difficult but you have to do it. And one more thing- whatever you decide, I'll always accept it. Don't forget that I love you!"
Saying that, Ryan kissed Jay's head affectionately. Jay found tears on his cheeks but he knew Ryan was right. He had to make a decision and quick!
WRITER'S CORNER
Ok, First of all, SORRY for such a late reply! But I got good news. The fourth and last chapter of `Standing at Crossroads' is half complete. I had thought it would around 2000 words but now, I think it will be up to 3500 words!
You must have heard that comments and criticism are the fuel that keeps the engine of the writer on. Well, we're going to prove it! If in seven days, I get at least five comments from the readers, I PROMISE you to have the story finished, beta-read, edited and posted here before the tenth day! What do you think of the `deal'? Sounds fun (But I'll have to write more; don't worry, I'll never compromise with quality)
Don't think others will review because they don't! Please review yourself! So if you ever liked the story a little bit, send your comments to sexhavoc_66@yahoo.com
Or else, you can go to this link and write your review in the small box below. It's very easy and practical! http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewstory.php?sid=281&chapter=3
As I have said, the fourth chapter will be the last one. Tell me what you think of the story and the direction it is taking. My weaknesses and strengths? I'm just a budding writer so do I have potential?
Impatiently waiting for your comments.