I hate to say it, but I was looking forward to getting back...well, it's the closest thing to a real home that I've had in years. Jeff and the boys had come back last week to help us finish loading up what we were taking and we helped them unpack their stuff. They were lots of fun, enthusiasm making up for their lack of stature. But the thought of having somewhere to call home was intoxicating.
Then, too, I was looking forward to seeing Brian again. We had both changed so much since we had known each other, but I was looking forward to renewing our friendship. Well, friendship with benefits. Though it'll be nice to have someone to just talk with.
And I needed to talk to him. My feelings for Jim had me so confused. He had explained about the bond between papa and cub, but...well, I don't have anything to compare it to, but my feelings for Jim felt very strong. Hopefully I can gets some time alone with Brian to talk.
Shouldn't be hard. Jim has suggested I see if Brian can help with my PTSD. Not one hundred percent sure what he thinks he can do, but right now, there's little I wouldn't give to live a normal life again.
Or as normal as I can be considering what I'm becoming.
So, I found myself following Jim home. He was driving the moving van, towing my Jeep behind him. It was packed full. So was the truck I was driving.
I glanced at myself in the mirror and smirked at my reflection. I had let Jim talk me into letting my hair and beard grow. I had always shaved, everywhere, because hair didn't grow through my burn scars. But in the last few weeks, I had been able to sprout a respectable growth. Nothing like Jim had, but it was a start. But it itched like hell, at least at first. Then, too, there was the fact that what grew through my scars was white. The rest was red, close to the color of Jim's hair.
I looked like one of those red bicolor cats. When I mentioned that to Jim, he laughed and told me to ask Brian about cats.
We made pretty good time, all things considered. I tried my best to keep my urges under control, but Jim had made me promise to let him know if I needed to stop. He was usually able to find someplace we could get something to eat. Or someplace private when my hunger wasn't for food.
It was a relief when the scenery became familiar. I was shocked when we pulled up to Jim's place. When we had left, the place was little more than a shell. From the look of things, at least the outside was done.
What was more, there were four guys waiting for us, not just Brian and Paul. One was a big black man, the other was dark skinned as well, but in a way that made me feel extremely uncomfortable.
"Oh, my God! Ben!" Jim shouted as he jumped out of the van. "What are you and Jay doing here?"
Jim ran up to the black guy and took him in a bear hug.... Bear hug. Sometimes I crack myself up.
"Daniel! Come here," Jim called, waving my over.
I cautiously got out of the truck and walked toward them, unobtrusively eying the shorter guy.
Brian looked at me and stepped forward.
"Danny," he whispered in my ear, wrapping an arm around me. "Jay's Indian."
I started, looking at him, then slowly smiled.
"Am I that obvious?" I whispered back.
"To me," he chuckled gently. "I don't think anyone else noticed."
He guided me to where the others were talking excitedly.
"Papa had asked me to come talk to Brian. Jay wanted to come along."
"Would you have left me behind?" Jay said archly.
"Never," Ben replied, pulling him close. "Once we got here, Brian suckered us into helping on your place."
"Well, it looks great," Jim said. "At least on the outside."
"Wait 'til you see the inside," Brian said with a sly grin.
"What did you do," Jim growled.
"Let's go in and see," Paul said, opening the door with a flourish.
"Wow!" Jim said as we entered the house.
"I was good," Brian said reassuringly. "I stayed on the blueprints. Mostly."
Jim turned to glare at him.
"I think you'll like what I did," Brian said slyly. "All I ask is that we get to use it once in a while."
"Should I be scared?" Jim muttered.
"We put in a more extensive play room downstairs," Paul said. "More like the one that Mike and Cliff have at their place. They're hoping to try it out. With you this time."
He gave me a wink and I laughed back.
"Jim and his friends out West taught me quite a bit," I said with a grin. "I think I understand things a bit better now."
"What friends?" Brian asked.
"I have friends," Jim replied, glaring back at him.
Brian held his hands up.
"Didn't mean it that way," he laughed.
"I know," Jim twinkled back. "My buddy, Jeff, is moving into my old place with his pups."
"Pups?" Brian said, eyes aglow. "They're wolves?"
"Nope," Jim said, folding his arms with a smirk.
"What are they, then?" Brian asked after a long wait.
"They're otters," I said.
"Otters?!" Brian exclaimed, then his expression blanked.
His eyes widened, his pupils seeming to expand until his eyes were black, with specks of light flashing within.
"That's odd," he said, as his expression returned to normal. "I don't have any otters."
"Going for a complete set?" Ben laughed.
"No, just wondering why?" Brian said introspectively.
"You took in the spirits who didn't have spirit keepers of their own," Paul said, rubbing Brian's shoulders. "Perhaps they already have one."
"As I told you," Jay said calmly. "It may be that you will need to work on finding others like you."
"Wouldn't do me much good," Brian growled back. "We've already got two."
"But you could...nudge them in the right direction," Jay said softly.
Brian gave a shudder.
"How about we get these guys unpacked," Paul said, making an effort to change the subject.
"Yeah," Jim said. "We should be able to knock this out and then we can try out my new playroom."
With a cheer, they headed back outside.
"Well, Daniel," Jim said, wrapping me in his arms. "You're finally home."
"Well, that's it," Jim said as he carried the last box out of the van.
"How late is the rental place open?" I asked.
"Think they close in about an hour," Jim said. "Why?"
"Was thinking Danny and I could go drop it off," I said innocently.
Jim folded his arms and looked at me with narrowed eyes.
"What?" I shrugged. "Can't I do something nice for my uncle and new cousin?"
"You've done a lot already," Jim said, waving his hand around the house. "What's up?"
"Was thinking Danny and I might visit some of the places we used to hang out at when we were kids," I said sheepishly.
"That's fine by me," Jim laughed. "Just be warned, he needs one end or the other filled 'bout every hour or so."
"Don't I get a say in this?" Danny said.
I had been looking forward to getting a chance to reconnect with him and was rather set back that he didn't seem to feel the same.
"I've seen what he's got between his legs and it's scary," he said and I relaxed.
I can certainly understand his concern.
"Don't worry," I said. "I don't force myself on anyone who doesn't want it."
"It's hard enough to get him to force it on someone who does," Paul called.
"I know you just got back...," I said hesitantly, turning to Danny.
"Somebody's got to do it," he said with a growing smile.
"Let's go!" I whooped.
The problem was there wasn't a drop off nearby. It took over half-an-hour to get there. And then we had to find a station nearby to gas it up before we returned the van.
After we finished up, we got into Brian's Hummer.
"So what did you have in mind?" I asked.
"Want to feel old?" he grinned back.
"Oh?" was all I said.
He drove for about ten minute and stopped at the top of a hill. We got out and sat under an huge oak tree at the crest.
"Remember this place?" he said with a sly grin.
Below us was a strip mall, backing up on the first of many subdivisions. Cars traveled the streets, kids were playing in manicured yards. Looked much like any other part of the country.
After a few minutes, I shook my head.
"Do you remember when we used to go stargazing?" he asked.
I nodded, then it hit me.
"This is the place?" I asked.
"Yep," he nodded ruefully. "But not likely to be able to see much of the night sky any more. Too much light pollution."
"Dunno," I said. "Looks like it's getting pretty dark up here."
I glanced at him and recognized that look he was giving me. But now I knew what it meant.
I reached over and touched his leg. He smiled brightly at me.
"Do you have any idea how much I wanted you to do that when we were kids?" he said warmly.
"It would have felt wrong, then," I said. "You were just a kid."
"Like you were that much older," he said, then grimaced.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing," he replied, reaching out and pulling me closer.
He was warm as I leaned against him.
"I had such a crush on you when we were kids," he said as I rested my head against his shoulder.
"Me? Why? I looked like...," I began until his placed a finger over my lips.
"I think even then I had some inkling of what other people were feeling," he said softly. "Most people wanted to get close to me because of my family's money. That didn't matter to you. All you wanted was to be my friend."
"All I knew was that you and your sister treated me like I was just a regular kid," I said. "You have no idea what that meant to me."
"At a guess, I'd have to say Carla might have had some similar...senses. Maybe her kids would have, too, if they'd had a chance to...," he suddenly choked off.
I felt him quiver against me.
"Sorry," he rasped and wiped his hand across his eyes.
"Why?" I whispered,feeling my own eyes sting. "Do you think I don't miss my mom? Hell, I'm not even over losing my dad."
I was a little shocked to hear myself admit it. But once the words passed my lips, I recognized their truth.
"I think that's why I was so excited when you came back into my life," he said softly. "I may still have Joe with me, but he never even met my family. You shared that part of my life like no one else. I think you understand."
I dropped my eyes.
"I think so," I whispered. "After the fire, the only one I knew who remembered my dad was Mom. And she didn't like talking about him. It hurt too much."
He kissed the top of my head and just held me in the deepening shadows.
"Are you still having nightmares about the war?" he said after sitting in silence for a while.
"Some," I said with a shudder.
"Can I...can I see if I can do something about that?" he asked hesitantly.
I looked up at him, seeing the lights of the houses reflected in his eyes.
"I suppose," I replied with a slight smile. "Don't know what good it'll do. The doctors...."
"I can do things they can't," he said, cutting me off.
He reached out and gently stroked my forehead.
Suddenly, I was back in the firefight, experiencing the atrocities anew. But this time, I could feel him with me.
"The problem is," came his voice inside my head, "You are a good person at heart. You had to do terrible things because you had no choice. I do think I can help."
I'm not sure what he did, but suddenly, it no longer felt as if I was doing the things I had done. It was as if I was removed from those things. I still remembered them, but they were no longer so...immediate.
I opened my eyes and blinked up at him. He smiled at me and I began to smile back, when he stiffened. A look of panic crossed his face and the...connection between us slammed shut.
"No!" he cried, struggling to his feet.
I heard the tree crack as he clutched at it.
"Brian!" I called as he staggered toward the Hummer. "What's going on?"
"Not again. Never again," he growled.
I steeled myself and stepped in front of him.
"Brian!" I shouted. "What's wrong."
"I have to help him," he grated as he gripped my shoulders.
I could feel the strength of his hands, but what shook me was the panic that flowed into me. I don't know why, but I got the impression it wasn't coming from him.
I shook his hands off and stepped back.
"Give me the key," I ordered. "Just tell me where to go."