I sat on my bed while Charlie told me all the reasons why Tom shouldn't have been at my therapy session. Charlie talked and I tuned him out and imagined Tom's arm around me comforting me. "Do you understand?" Charlie asked. I was still thinking about Tom. "Sam, do you understand?"
I mumbled, "Yeah I understand." Charlie could be with Matt but I couldn't be with Tom. It wasn't fair. I said, "I understand that you're not being fair."
"How many times do we have to go over this? It's not about being fair. It's about helping you work through your problems."
"You're not helping me work through anything." The voice in my head that had been somewhat quieted by the medications found its voice again and I heard statements like: He's lying.' If he wanted to help you then he would let you spend time with Tom.' I tried to shake the thoughts away but they kept getting louder and then the voice asked, `Why does he get to be with Matt but you can't be with Tom?' My lips brought the thought to life before I had time to censor myself. "Why do you get to be with Matt and I can't be with Tom? Matt is more screwed up than I am."
"I'm not with Matt. I have a gir-," there was a slight pause, "Matt is just my friend."
"Tom's my friend!"
"Tom is more than your friend!"
"Well you act like Matt is more than your friend!"
"We're just friends!"
"He sat in your lap!" I exclaimed.
"He likes being close to me, but he knows I'm not gay."
"Then why do you let him be all over you?"
"Because it doesn't bother me. Matt hasn't crossed the line and I don't think he will."
I didn't understand how he could be comfortable with Matt touching him if he wasn't interested in Matt. "Why doesn't it bother you?"
He sighed loudly. "I think of Matt as a kid. When he kisses me or sits in my lap, it's just like Kristy doing those things or you. Why would that bother me?"
"I'm not a kid. I'm two years younger than you and Matt is older than I am."
"You're both kids to me." He laughed. "I'm an adult. You still have a couple of years before you can say that." Charlie walked over to the bed and put me in a headlock then gave me a noogie. "It's my job as your older brother to remind you that you're younger than me." He released me and smiled. I tried unsuccessfully to suppress my own smile. "Is that a smile I see?" Charlie asked.
"No, my lips wanted some time apart."
Charlie grinned. "Careful, someone might mistake that as a sign of happiness."
I laughed but my mind was racing. I wasn't sure why I was smiling and I suddenly felt out of place as if getting along with my brother was something I didn't have any business doing. I began screaming at myself to keep smiling but I couldn't. Charlie immediately recognized the change. He started backing away from me and quietly sat on his mattress and opened one of his textbooks.
I sat on my bed analyzing the conversation I had with Charlie and wishing he would say something to me. Half an hour later, Charlie's phone started ringing. He answered it and smiled at me then threw me the phone. I put it to my ear. "Hello?"
"Hi Sam. It's Matt."
"Hey. What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Oh."
There was silence then Matt brought up his new family. He wanted to know what I thought about each person. I told him his new mother was amazing and I wished I had a mother like her. I heard Charlie say, "You do," but I pretended I didn't hear it and I kept talking to Matt.
Matt and I talked for an hour. I got the impression that he really liked his temporary placement and I hoped it would be permanent for him. Mr. Washington came in to talk to Matt, so Matt told me he would see me at school.
Charlie had fallen asleep on his mattress and I saw it as an opening to talk to Tom and I wasn't going to miss it. I dialed Tom's cell phone and waited for him to answer. He sounded half asleep when I heard him say, "Hello."
"Hey, Tom," I whispered.
"Hey!"
"Sorry for calling so late, but Charlie fell asleep and I have his phone and I just wanted to call and say goodnight."
"Aww, that's so sweet. If I was there I'd give you a kiss."
"No you wouldn't."
"Yes I would."
"You'd be too busy running from Charlie." I meant it as a joke but I didn't laugh and neither did Tom.
"I wouldn't let Charlie or anybody else keep me away from you."
His words ran directly to my heart and wrapped around it. He wasn't going to let anybody keep him away from me. It was further proof that he loved me. He had to love me. Why else would he go through all that just to be with me? I didn't think I was worth it, but he did. I was worth at least that much to him. Charlie rolled over and I was afraid he might wake up. "I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay, but would you do me a favor?"
"Sure."
"Would you dress like you did today?"
"I'll think about it." I implied I had a choice I knew I didn't have. Charlie was going to approve my outfit again so I would be dressed like a normal teenager whether I liked it or not.
"Good just think about it and how happy it would make me to see you that way."
"Goodnight Tom."
"Goodnight my love." My love,' the words brought a smile to my face. I held the phone and pretended Tom was saying it over and over again. Goodnight my love.' My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Tom's voice. "One of us has to hang up," he said.
I grinned. "You go first."
"Alright. I'm saying goodnight again and I am hanging up. Goodnight Sam."
"Goodnight." A few seconds passed then he hung up. I held the phone and thought about seeing him at school the next day.
I sat Charlie's phone on his charger and I moved to the floor on the other side of my bed and did some push-ups and some sit ups until Charlie started tossing and turning a lot and I was afraid he would wake up and catch me. I decided to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth before I went to sleep.
In the bathroom I had just finished brushing my teeth when I felt the need to do something to myself. I was alone and upset with Charlie for always being there and for pretending like we could be normal brothers. I kept seeing flashes of us laughing and smiling. I stared at my reflection long enough to realize I was also a little upset with Charlie for not waking up and coming to stop me from what I was planning to do. Driven by impulse and a desire to feel a particular kind of high again, my hand reached for a pack of razors. I told myself not to do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.' My fingers wrapped around a razor and brought it towards me. I changed my tune and told myself, Just one time. Just one time.'
An image of Tom danced in my head and I put the razor down. I couldn't do that to Tom. I promised I would stop. I wanted to stop. I didn't want to hurt myself. The razor seemed to call out to me and beg me to look at it again. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't stop myself. I grabbed the razor and tried to think of a good place to cut. I knew my thighs would be too obvious because Charlie was sure to look there in the morning and he would notice new marks. I needed to cut a different place and it had to be a place where Charlie wouldn't check.
I held the razor and stared at it then I heard, "What the fuck are you doing?" I dropped the razor in the sink and looked over at the door.
Charlie was standing in the doorway with an accusatory look on his face. It felt as if the hospital scene was repeating itself and I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thought I had, "I locked the door."
He held up a key. "And I unlocked it! Now what are you doing?"
I knew a key existed to the bathroom, but I didn't know Charlie actually knew where it was. I couldn't remember anyone using it. "Shaving," I answered.
"Like hell you were! You don't shave yet!"
"I was,"
He walked over to the sink and took out the razor. He held it in front of my face and said, "Don't lie to me!"
"I'm sorry."
Charlie threw the razor behind me then he grabbed my shoulders and squeezed so tightly it hurt. He shook me. "What is wrong with you? Why do you keep doing this shit?"
I felt the tears sliding down my face. "I don't know."
"You have to stop this." I became a blubbering mess and Charlie pulled me to him and held me while I cried. I wished I could tell him that I wasn't going to do anything, but I knew I would have cut myself if he hadn't walked in because I wanted to have that feeling of peace for the fleeting seconds that it lasted. I wanted to get away from Charlie and I only knew one way to do it but I was glad he stopped me. I somehow managed to get control of myself and pull away from Charlie then I barely heard him ask me, "What can I do to make you better?"
"Stop being my shadow," I mumbled.
"What did you say?"
I couldn't repeat it. I didn't want to risk upsetting him more so I lied, "Nothing."
"It wasn't nothing. If you have something to say then say it."
"It doesn't matter. You don't listen to anything I say."
He leaned against the sink and said, "I'm listening now."
"You blame Tom for everything that's wrong with me. No matter what I say you don't listen. You think I don't know what I'm talking about but I do. If you love me you should be thankful I met Tom. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. In case you haven't noticed, I don't deal well with things."
"You were fine before you met Tom."
"I was being picked on every day until Tom came along. Tom made everything better. He didn't make me anorexic. I made myself that way. He didn't make me hurt myself. I did that all on my own and I promise you Tom hates those things as much as you do. Tom wants me to get better and he tries to help me. You don't know what he does. He does everything he can. When we're at school, he puts food on my tray and begs me to eat it. He bargains with me all the time so that I'll eat things. When he found out I was hurting myself he blamed himself for not seeing it, and it was the shame of knowing he knew and knowing how much it hurt him that compelled me to try to change. I've slipped up a few times since he found out, but I've also been able to hold back because of him. If this was a couple of months ago, I would have used that razor as soon as I walked in the bathroom, but I didn't. In fact, it didn't cross my mind to use it until I saw it. Thinking about Tom kept me from doing it for a few minutes, but then I thought about you and how you've been towards me and I felt I had to do it. You're everywhere and I can't take it."
"I let you hang out with Matt."
"I need more space."
"I'm just trying to help. You may not realize Tom is a part of your problem but I do. I see how you are with him and how he is with you. It's not something you would notice. You need him and he needs you. Maybe you do love each other. I won't say you don't, but I will say that the way you love each other isn't good. You're complaining that I don't listen to you but you don't listen to me either. I've told you repeatedly that your relationship with Tom is unhealthy. I'm not saying it because I don't like Tom. I mean I'm not saying I like Tom. I think it's pretty clear that I can't stand the guy, but there's still something wrong with the way you two are about each other. Your world revolves around him and you shouldn't love anybody more than you love yourself."
I almost laughed because even Charlie had to see that I didn't love myself at all. Loving anybody meant I loved them more than I loved myself that was true by default. I wanted to tell him that there was little if anything to love about me and that I was constantly amazed by Tom's ability to find worthwhile qualities in me. I knew Charlie wouldn't understand so I didn't say those words. I told him, "I can't live like this. I need my space."
"You haven't earned your space."
"Charlie, I mean it. You don't want me to hurt myself and I don't want to hurt myself either but it's the only way I know how to deal with what's going on. You hovering over me is making me want to hurt myself. What else do you need me to say?"
Charlie looked at me and I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He was quiet for a few moments. "If you had said it that way before, without all the whining and the sarcastic comments, I would have heard you. I don't want to be your excuse to keep hurting yourself so if you need me to back off a little then I will."
I interpreted his words as his way of saying he was going to let me hang out with Tom again but I knew I needed to ask. "Does this mean I can hang out with Tom again?"
"Not yet, but I will let you have some time in your room by yourself. I understand that you probably want to do some things in private."
He winked at me and I got it. He thought I wanted to jerk off, which wasn't the case at all, but I was willing to accept a little more privacy under any circumstances so I smiled and sheepishly said, "Yeah."
He leaned off of the sink and suggested we get to bed. The talk hadn't resolved our issues but it had helped. The irony was that I was pleased Charlie had been there to keep me from hurting myself. His actions proved to me that he would be there when I needed him. It was a crazy test really. Dr. Conley would tell me I had set Charlie up to fail the same way I had done Tom so many times. Charlie didn't know he was being tested and it was unfair to him and to me because if Charlie had failed I would have blamed myself and seen it as a sign that he didn't really care but that would have been another example of me being irrational. Charlie passing the test had nothing to do with whether he cared about me or not and passing the test should have had no impact on my perception of Charlie's ability to be there for me. Charlie passed the test because he happened to wake up at the right time. It was as simple as that.
My mind was busy thinking and I had just gotten in my bed when Charlie asked, "Did you take your pill?"
"No."
He left the room and came back with a cup of water and my pill. I took the pill and fantasized that Charlie wasn't the brother who was trying to drug me to follow his orders, he was the brother who was trying to keep me medicated so I could be healthier. His misguided attempts to control my life were just extensions of his love for me and his hope that he could be the one who saved me. Charlie was trying to build me up to be strong enough to stand on my own two feet instead of letting Tom carry me. I couldn't be upset with Tom for trying to help me and I couldn't hate Charlie for wanting to help me too. They both had the same mission which was to make me better by helping me get closer to normal, the only problem was that Charlie and Tom were in competition with each other.
I lied in my bed thinking about it for a while then I whispered, "Charlie."
"Yes?"
"If you want me to be better and Tom wants me to be better, and you're both working towards that goal, wouldn't it be easier if the two of you were working together?"
"Go to sleep." He rolled over on his mattress and closed himself off from the conversation.
I was upset with him for not answering my question. I started thinking of ways I could hurt myself in the bed while Charlie had his back to me. I thought of lots of things I could do. I thought about pinching myself or biting myself or scratching myself, then I started getting creative with my ideas by thinking of unique places to do it. I fell asleep fantasizing about ways to hurt myself.
Charlie woke me up the next morning and he had a smile on his face. "Let's make a deal," he said, showing his perfect white teeth as his words sent quick breezes of his nicely freshened breath. "If you're good for the rest of the week then you, me, Tom and Janet will go out on a double date this weekend."
I didn't know he was dating Janet again. He had dated her off and on in high school but he hadn't mentioned her at the dinner table since he started college. "You're dating Janet again?"
He looked guilty for a moment like I had caught him with his hand down his pants. "I guess I should confess." He took a deep breath then said, "She's the reason why I can see what's wrong with you and Tom. In many ways she's like my Tom only not so extreme," he said, "but I know how to deal with her now. I love her. I'll probably always love her. She just isn't my entire world anymore." Charlie sat on the side of the bed. "I don't know how much you remember, but Janet really did a number on me. I thought the sun rose and set on her. She was my life, and then she wasn't and then she was again and then she wasn't and then she was and then she wasn't and then I hated her and then I didn't and then she called me and we talked about it and decided to be friends. I dated a few girls and she dated a few guys but I think we both still wanted each other so we've been dating for the past two months." He laughed to himself, "You can't tell Mom though because she feels about Janet the same way I feel about Tom. Mom was the one stuck picking up the pieces when Janet hurt me time and time again, but here I am, putting myself back out there for Janet. She's changed though, she's matured and I've matured and I'm no longer her doormat and she doesn't want me to be her doormat. I wish you would find someone other than Tom, but I can't make that choice for you, so I want to do the next best thing. I look at you and Tom and can't help but think that if I almost fell apart because of Janet, you'd probably die if you couldn't be with Tom and I don't want to lose you so I feel like it's my responsibility to prepare you to be your own person. Love doesn't come with a guarantee that it'll last forever. What happens if one day it's just you?"
`I'd want to die,' I thought. "The only way Tom would leave me is if something happened to him. He loves me."
"He loves you now but sometimes love changes or fades. He's your first love that doesn't mean he'll be your only love or your last love. I'm not telling you to love him any less or to think that it won't last. All I'm saying is you need to be okay with you so that if the day ever comes when it's just you, you'll be able to deal with it. I'm telling you this from experience. I know you think I'm perfect, but I'm not. I have the same insecurities and fears as everyone else. I want to be loved and I worry if I'm good enough or if I'm cute enough or kind enough. We all have something that we think is wrong with us. For years my problem was wondering why you liked Tom more than me. I thought I had messed up or offended you somehow. I may not have shown it, but it hurt every time I tried to reach out to you only to have you slap my hand away."
I reminded him, "You used to complain every time Mom told you to walk me home or pick me up."
"I'll let you in on a little secret." He made a dramatic pause then said, "A few times I complained because I had other plans, but most of the time I complained because I already knew what would happen: I would try to talk to you and you would ignore me. Dealing with you was mentally exhausting. It was easier to just not deal with you, but things are different now, we're talking and I'm thankful for that."
Charlie kept surprising me with his memories of how things happened between us. It was strange how his versions always had me pushing him away and him wanting us to be closer. According to him, I was the one who had damaged our relationship. I was tired of hearing his rendition of our history but I understood that we saw the same events differently and I had already decided to abandon my efforts to correct him and tell him how things really were. I sat up. "So you want to help me because you think losing Tom would be the end of me?"
"That's part of it, but that's not the only reason. I love you and I want to salvage our relationship before I leave."
"Where are you going?"
"You have to promise not to tell anyone."
"I promise."
"If things go well with Janet, we're going to get a place together in the summer." Charlie smiled at me. "You're the only other person who knows. It feels good to be able to confide in you. Almost like we're brothers or something," he laughed.
I laughed, "Yeah, almost."
I wasn't sure what had changed for Charlie overnight, but he was different towards me. He was more brotherly. The way he spoke to me was like a friend and not like a parent. I wanted the moment to continue and it did. He handed me my morning pill bottle and kindly reminded me to take my medicine. He didn't hand me the pill with a glass of water and stand over me to make sure I did what I was supposed to do. He gave me the bottle and stood up then walked towards the door. He turned at the door and faced me. "Most of your shirts are black so I took out a few of my old shirts that I thought would look nice on you. They're going to be a little big on you but they should look fine." He nodded towards the floor and I saw three shirts folded neatly on top of his mattress. "You need to hurry up because you should eat before we leave. I'll be downstairs."
Charlie left the room and I sat there with my mouth hanging open for at least a solid minute. He voluntarily left me alone and with my pills. I wasn't sure what to do at first. I wondered if it was some kind of trap. I thought maybe he was giving me enough rope to see if I would hang myself so I decided I had to do everything the right way. I went to the bathroom to shower. The pack of razors was gone. I looked around the bathroom for it just to see if he trusted me enough to leave them. My heart sank when I couldn't find them.
I contemplated slamming my finger in the small door on the sink, but I didn't want to live up to Charlie's expectations of me. I wanted to be better than Charlie thought I was, whether Charlie was around to see it or not. I turned the hot water on in the shower and waited until the water was hot enough to sting my skin. I wasn't trying to burn myself. I just wanted to feel the water and know it was touching me.
After a particularly steamy shower, I went to my room and decided between wearing either a green or a blue or a yellow shirt. The decision wasn't hard. Tom loved me in blue. Charlie was at the table when I walked in the kitchen. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. There was a bowl and a spoon on the table next to an almost empty gallon of milk and a box of cereal. I noted the difference in the size of our bowls and smiled. I had a regular cereal bowl with a standard spoon, but Charlie had a medium sized mixing bowl and a tablespoon. He was happily eating as I sat down. He pretended to concentrate on eating, but I caught him stealing glances at me to see what I was doing. I put about a handful of cereal in the bowl and maybe half a cup of milk. Charlie looked up at me and I smiled and added a little more cereal and a little more milk. He went back to eating without saying anything.
I estimated how many calories I was probably eating and wondered when I would get a chance to burn them off. "Charlie," he looked up from his cereal, "I use to go running after school and I was wondering if it would be okay for me to go running today."
"We can run together and you should ask Matt if he wants to run with us since he's coming home with us after school. Then we can go to the store and pick up the ingredients you need to make me my favorite sandwich."
"Okay." I kept eating my cereal then I felt guilty for calling Tom and I confessed. "I called Tom last night."
Charlie started grinning. "I know, but thanks for telling me."
I dropped my spoon in the cereal. "You know?"
"You had to talk to him. I get it and we're going to work on that."
"Did you hear me talking to him?"
"No. Janet wanted me to call and wake her up this morning and I noticed a strange number in my phone. I called and Tom answered."
"What did he say?"
"Nothing. I hung up and called Janet. She thinks I should try a new approach with you. She says if I want you to trust me then I have to trust you." He ate a big spoonful of cereal. "Everything isn't going to change overnight but I'm going to try." I played with my cereal. "Did you take your pill?"
"Not yet." I pulled my pill bottle out of my pocket and took a pill. Charlie watched. "Does this mean I get my phone back?"
"Nice try, but no. We're taking baby steps. Today you get bathroom privileges, tomorrow we can talk about the phone."
I wanted to call Janet and personally thank her for what she had said to Charlie.
Copyright Lustyville 2008 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out more of this story and my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville and my website at www.lustyville.com